Jeopardy! Producers Claim Ken Jennings Cheated During His Epic Show Run

Posted on November 16, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BURBANK, California –

Ken Jennings, the longest-running Jeopardy! champion in the history of the game show, who won 74 straight Jeopardy games in a row, has been accused of cheating by producers of the popular series. After pouring over hours of taped footage, producers have made a spectacular discovery, and they say they are asking for the astounding $3,196,300 Jennings won during his run back.

“After receiving an anonymous tip from someone who only identified themselves as Hal, we decided to do an investigation,” said Brad Butters, executive producer of Jeopardy! “After going over hours of game footage, along with backstage footage of Ken in our green room, certain patterns became clear to us. Mr. Jennings, who spent over 125 hours in our sound studio never once used the bathroom, and in our green room – where contestants spend most of their time – Jennings never once ate or drank anything from our free buffet. This seemed extremely odd to us.”

“Game footage revealed that, despite being under bright studio lights, Ken never once blinked or had a drop of sweat anywhere on his brow,” said Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek. “As the producers researched his footage, they also noticed that in game 53 of Ken’s winning streak, competing contestant Brenda Bush was having a sort of ‘wardrobe malfunction’ that caused many nip-slips, and he never even once glanced over to her. I say that it definitely proves that Ken Jennings is not a man at all, and that he must be an android being.”

“By the rules of the game, Ken cheated. Line 43 of the Jeopardy application clearly states that all contestants must be human, and that any sort of cyborg or android beings are strictly prohibited,” said Butters. “We have made numerous calls to Ken to get back our $3 million dollars, but all we get when we call him is that annoying fax machine-type sound you used to get prior to everyone having a cell phone.”

“Being accused of cheating does not compute,” said Jennings in a statement to the Associated Press when news of the possible scandal reached his home. “I was not programmed to cheat, therefore I cannot. It’s not a possibility. Thus ends my comments on the accusations, as it is time for me to recharge.”

Kanye West Insists On Nobel Prize, Claims He ‘Brings Peace’ Everywhere He Goes

Posted on November 15, 2014 by Abe Abrams

LOS ANGELES, California –

Rapper, songwriter, record producer, director, fashion designer, entrepreneur and now – world’s only chance for peace? Singer Kanye West has been on a rampage in the media the last several days, proclaiming that he deserves a Nobel Peace Prize.

“Obama won one, and he drops bombs on people. You give me a peace prize and I promise I won’t drop bombs on anyone, I’ll just drop killer beats. I’m tired of being snubbed for awards. Did Kanye win a CMA? No. Did Kanye win a Emmy? No. Do I deserve those awards? Of course I do, I’m Kanye West,” said West in an interview with Kanye West magazine.

“You drop my CDs in the Middle East, and people be too busy dancing, they won’t have time to fight. Kanye is about love, just ask Kim, if I can keep that giant booty happy, I can keep ISIS happy. It just makes sense. I deserve to win that peace prize thing. Kanye deserves all awards, because I’m a genius, and it’s only the haters and the racists keeping Kanye down. If I do a show in Jerusalem – peace! If I do a show in Afghanistan – peace! If I do a show in China – peace! It just makes sense. People don’t get it. Norwegians don’t get it. Wherever Kanye goes, peace and love follow. Except for Oakland, that always ends up in a shooting, but that ain’t Kanye’s fault.”

“I’m not sure who Kanye West is, but unfortunately for him, nominations had to be submitted by July,” said Hans Hammarskjold, chairman of the Nobel Prize committee. “We take all our prizes very seriously, and as for his reference to President Obama’s Peace Prize, we have asked for it back but the White House has not returned our calls.”

[NSFW] ‘Paper’ Magazine Releases Untouched Pictures From Kim Kardashian’s Photo Shoot

Posted on November 15, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LONDON, England –

Earlier this week, Paper Magazine published an article featuring Kim Kardashain, a woman who has become famous for being famous, completely nude. The article was titled, conveniently, Break the Internet, and has unironically showed up in everyone’s Facebook feed ever since.

Today, Paper released one of the unedited photos from Kardashian’s shoot, much to the chagrin of both the star, and the photographer.

“I took the photos at the right angle and with the best lighting possible to really make Kim shine,” said photographer Gett N. Noshous. “Unfortunately, not even the best photographer in the world could get it right in the studio every single time, especially with what we were working with this time around, so we had to do some touch-ups in Photoshop. It’s a fairly common thing these days, whether it be for print of a mega publication, or even someone’s Facebook profile. Though as a professional, I really hate it when the untouched photos make it to the public view.”

“I look just dreadful. Truly, dreadful,” said Kardashian. “The photos that they published, they were perfect. I’ve never been ashamed of my body, but when I saw the original, unedited photos, it made me wonder what Kanye would even want with me. I don’t want that to be my public persona.”

“Personally, I have no problems with the original images getting out there,” said Charles Gerd, the photo editor hired to make the pictures more appealing. “I mean, all that really does for me is get me more work. The better job we do making someone look beautiful, the better my paychecks look.”

“I think the retouching goes too far these days,” said the editor of a major U.S. fashion magazine, who spoke under anonymity. “We pay photographers thousands to get the shots we want, and then we pay graphic designers thousands more to take those shots and make them more perfect. But who is to say what’s perfect? Why is one body better than another? Why is okay for Kim Kardashian’s ass to appear on the cover of a magazine and all over social media, but it’s not okay for a woman to breast feed in public? Why is it not okay to wear a two-piece bikini at the beach unless you’re a size zero? Breast feeding is natural. Having curves and being okay with that is natural. Kim’s bare butt on the cover of a magazine? Well, it’s not natural.”

What do you think? Would you rather see original, unedited images published in magazines, or do you think retouching and Photoshopping images is okay? Sound off in the comments!

Morgue Delivers Living Baby From Pregnant Corpse

Posted on November 14, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FREEDOM, New Hampshire –

A woman who died in a car accident last week in New Hampshire gave funeral directors at a local morgue quite a scare this morning, after the staff discovered that the woman’s baby, who was thought to have also died in the crash, was still alive. The mortician, Brian Warner, and his assistant, Carlie Neil, were able to successfully remove the baby from its mother, and the newborn is said to be in fair condition at Freedom Memorial Hospital.

“Craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Warner of the incident. “The woman, I won’t say her name out of respect for the deceased, but the woman was brought in a few days ago, and she was a wreck. Just awful. Accident nearly tore her face clean off. You ever seen someone whose face was ripped from their body? Of course you haven’t. I’ve seen worse in my day thanks to that Vietnam Conflict, but not by much.”

“I was just prepping her for embalming, when I noticed that there was something moving under the skin of her stomach,” said Neil. “I honestly thought it could be some sort of parasite. Turns out I was close – it was her baby. Since she was dead already, we didn’t bother with any formalities – we just cut into her and pulled the baby right out. He was pretty lethargic when we pulled him out, but I’d seen enough movies and TV to know one quick smack on the ass would fix him up, and it worked. He took a breath, and he never stopped crying after that.”

Doctors say that for the woman’s baby to have survived 6 days inside of her after she had died is nothing short of miraculous.

“Babies feed off what their mother’s eat and drink – they really are like a little parasite growing inside. A person can’t normally go that long without food or water, and a growing baby needs the nutrition even more. The fact that he made it out alive, I can’t believe it. It’s highly possible that he’s the reincarnated Baby Jesus or something. I don’t know, I’m just a doctor, what do I know? I have to say, though, that this whole situation is a medical marvel.”

NY Giants Football Team Name Protested by ‘Little People’

Posted on November 14, 2014 by Abe Abrams

EAST RUTHERFORD, New Jersey –

It may be hard to see and you may look over it, but if you tilt your head down what you will see are angry little people. Little people ranging from short to ridiculously short have been holding protest outside of the Giants’ home MetLife Stadium for the past week.

“We got the idea from Native Americans protesting the Redskins. If they can be offended, so can we,” said President of the Short and Proud Group Paul Learylocks. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Giants fan through and through, but the embarrassment I feel when I put on a jacket that says ‘Giants’ on the back, it hurts, not to mention the look of disappointment from my wife and kids.”

“He’s not the only one offended at the name Giants, just look around, we have had no less than 20 protesters here since Sunday,” said Short and Proud Group’s vice president, Neil Prescott. “The support we are getting through the mail and internet fills my huge heart with pride; this is more than just a protest, this is a movement. So far we have yet to hear from the NY Giants or the NFL, and this is the first anyone from the media has even asked why we were protesting. I’m sure any day now our little protest will start a media firestorm and the Giants will be forced to change their name. I’m also sure any day now Obama will stick his nose in where it doesn’t belong, just like he did with the Redskin protest. Me, personally, I think the name New York Leprechauns would be a name people of all sizes could be proud of.”

When asked about the protest, NY Giants general manager Jerry Reese seemed confused.

“What? I never even knew anyone had a problem with the name – it’s certainly news to me. Well, the hell with that. Football is a game meant for normal size people, anyway. You know what ”

McDonald’s Restaurants Plans Lawsuit Against Man Who Named His Son ‘Big Mac’

Posted on November 13, 2014 by JP

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

Carl Powell, 35, is facing a major lawsuit from popular fast food chain McDonald’s after naming his first-born son Big Mac Powell. Powell feels that the lawsuit is ridiculous, and that they should be paying him for the additional publicity that his son’s name will give them.

“It’s crazy man, I’ve never faced anything like this before,” said Powell. “I hate that a big company like that thinks they can just push around someone small like me. I mean their motto is ‘Have It Your Way,’ isn’t it? No, wait, that’s not right is it? That’s Burger King. I eat a lot of fast food so sometimes I mix things up.”

McDonald’s has yet to comment on the lawsuit, but a letter sent to the Powell household by the company expressed that either Powell change his son’s name, or he’d be sued for millions.

Ironically, Powell’s net worth is just over $4 million dollars, after he won a lawsuit against McDonald’s in the 1990s. The lawsuit against the company occurred because Powell choked on a Big Mac while dining inside of a McDonald’s restaurant, and the entire staff watched him choke, while doing nothing. He lost consciousness, and fell into a coma for weeks.

“When I finally awoke in the hospital bed, a lawyer was standing over my bed asking if I wanted to become a millionaire. It was the happiest moment of my life – well, up until having my baby boy Big Mac. That the reason I named him that, to honor the day I became a millionaire, and because even though one almost killed me, Big Macs are delicious.”

Powell has hired a lawyer to defend his right to name his child whatever he likes.

“This is America, damn it. Where a man can eat a Big Mac, name his son Big Mac, or have sex with a Big Mac, if he chooses. McDonald’s may have given me these millions, but they’re sure as hell going to fight to take them away.”

Man Sues Hospital After Doctor Accidentally Performs Sex Change Instead of Liposuction

Posted on November 12, 2014 by Abe Abrams

LOS ANGELES, California –

Rick Ryan, an aging porno film star that has appeared in over 500 films, is suing his surgeon and the hospital he recently visited for botching a simple procedure. The actor allegedly had his livelihood cut off in what was supposed to be a simple tummy tuck procedure.

“I’m a star, or at least I was a star. I had one of the most recognizable penises in the world. A small amount of liposuction was all I wanted,” said Ryan. “Every guy knows that the smaller the stomach and pouch is, the bigger the penis looks. I’ve had the procedure done in the past, but this time they removed my penis, inverted it, and gave me a vagina!”

“It was all a horrible misunderstanding,” said Dr. Clark Campbell, the surgeon who performed the operation. “I wasn’t even supposed to do the procedure – my partner came down sick, so I finished his surgeries for the day. There was a mix up with the charts it seems, which is unfortunate and I apologize. I didn’t think anything of it when I performed the surgery because, quite frankly, Mr. Ryan’s penis looked like he beat it as if it owed him money. I thought to myself ‘this is a man who doesn’t want his penis.’ Now that I know he was a popular adult film actor, it does give an entirely new explanation for why his dick was so raw and swollen.”

“To be honest, I’ve already gotten some work offers doing some girl-on-girl, but it’s just not the same. I do find myself playing with my vagina more than I did my penis, but this lawsuit is not about pleasure, it’s about money. I’m Rick Ryan, damn it. They took my dick, now I’m going to take their balls!”

Peter Palmer, public relations for Los Angeles Metropolitan Hospital said he doesn’t really understand the complaints.

“This is very embarrassing for us as a medical establishment, yes, although I don’t see why Mr. Ryan is that upset. I’m a big fan of all of his films, but to be fair they were all gay porn and Ryan is a bottom. His moneymaker has always been that ass.”

Ray Charles’ Former Wife Says Singer’s Blindness Was Just An ‘Elaborate Hoax’

Posted on November 12, 2014 by Abe Abrams

ATLANTA, Georgia –

In a exclusive interview, Cindy Charles – 2nd wife of singer Ray Charles – came clean about what she says is Ray’s ‘biggest secret.’ Cindy, who is the mother of 2 of Ray Charles’ 12 children, says that Charles was not actually blind.

“I didn’t know Ray when he was a child, but I can tell you what he told me,” said Cindy Charles. ”Pretending to be blind started out as just an elaborate hoax to get out of chores when he was just about seven years old. Ray’s mom was a strict, God-fearing woman, and she told Ray, ‘If I find out you’re lying about your eyes, boy, I’ll tan your hide and you’ll burn with the Devil for lying to your Mama!’ So that’s how it started, and that’s how it continued for so long.”

“All his life, he had to walk around, bumping into things, any time someone was around who didn’t know his secret. I’m not sure how many people knew that he could see perfectly, but it wasn’t long before Ray realized that being blind had it’s advantages – at least when the blindness wasn’t real,” continued Cindy Charles. “He could ‘accidently’ touch girls breasts – which coincidentally was how we met one night. Also, he didn’t have to get a job, so he was able to concentrate on his music.”

“All of that head bobbing back and forth when he played piano, well that was just part of the act. What you couldn’t see because of the dark glasses was that he was looking down to see what he was playing,” said former manager Joe Goldsmith. “The reason everybody who knew kept it a secret was the money – nobody wanted to stop that money train. Ray had 12 kids with 10 different women – that’s a lot of paying off. I know he was keeping me in the good life for quite awhile back in the day.”

“The money train has dried up, though, and why I’m telling this story,” said Cindy Charles. “Legend that he is, ain’t nobody buying Ray’s music anymore. Rap, hip-hop, and free music downloads stopped putting food on the table ages ago. If it hadn’t been for Jamie Foxx and that movie a few years back bringing Ray’s story to life on screen, I think I’d have spilled the beans a long time ago.”

Columbia Records and the Ray Charles estate deny all accusations made by Cindy Charles. “Nonsense” was their only comment.

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ TV Series Picked up by SPIKE TV

Posted on November 11, 2014 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Recently cancelled by TLC, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been picked up by SPIKE TV, and will have new episodes airing in January. TLC cancelled the show when “Mama June” broke things off with her husband, Sugar Bear, and moved in with convicted child molester Mark McDaniel. TLC executives said they felt that June’s actions were putting her family in harm’s way, and although they resolved to continue paying for her children’s education and counseling, they would no longer be airing the TV show.

“A trailer trash mom with young children has a convicted child molester move in, that’s just the kind of plot twist our viewers love!” said Mike Miller, SPIKE TV program manager. “Little Honey Boo Boo in danger every night, now that’s TV! We at SPIKE do our best to make sure Honey Boo Boo and McDaniel spend as much time together as possible.The first episode will have Mama June winning a three-day vacation, leaving McDaniel home to watch the kids. It will be dynamite TV. I’m looking forward to this being one of our highest rated shows, and I have so much confidence in it, we will put it to directly compete against MTV’s 12 and Pregnant.

“I want to thank SPIKE TV for giving me and my Honey Boo Boo a second chance,” said Mama June.”I don’t know what all the fuss was about anyway, Mark is a good man. He loves me and the kids, he’s not a molester – he’s just a touchy-feely kind of guy. He just keeps forgetting he don’t live alone anymore, I’m always yelling at him not to walk around naked in front of the youngins. Anyway, I’m glad Mark’s here, the medications I’m on just know me right out at night, ain’t nothing can wake me up, so it’s nice to have a man around to keep the kids safe.”

Because TLC owns the rights to the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo titles, the Spike TV version will be called There Goes Honey Boo Boo. “It’s better than our original title, I think, which was Here Cums Mark McDaniel.”

‘Ghost Hunters’ Capture Real Ghost On Film While Shooting Episode

Posted on November 10, 2014 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Sy-Fi channel’s Ghost Hunters claim they have finally captured a real ghost on film, and the channel plans to air a special episode on Thanksgiving Day. Executives at Sy-Fi hope this will be the most watched hour in television history.

“It’s amazing, and truly terrifying. We were filming at a Civil War battleground site, and we actually saw and caught a ghost on film. It wasn’t just a noise, and it wasn’t just us playing things up for the camera like normal,” said Jason Hawes, paranormal specialist and star of Ghost Hunters. ”I’ll be honest with you – the show has always been fake, of course. We never find anything real. It’s TV for crying out loud. The way it usually goes is Grant or Steve say in a scared voice, ‘did you see that?!’ or ‘did you hear that?!’ and then we all act scared, but it’s just for show. Not this time, though.”

“I was scared as hell. I’m not going to lie – I pissed myself when I saw it. All this time ‘hunting’ for ghosts, we’d never seen a thing. 10 years of filming episodes; neither us nor our viewers seeing anything but night vision images of ‘spooky’ locations,” said Grant Wilson, co-founder of TAPS. “That’s half the reason I left the show in the first place. I am so glad I came back for this hunt. This changes it all. When this airs, people all over the world will stare in awe. It’s not any trickery, it’s not CGI. This was an honest-to-goodness, no bullshit ghost.”

“Now that I’ve seen a real ghost, I’m done, I’m never doing this again, it was fun when it was fake, but now forget about it,” said Hawes. “I’m going back to Kansas to work in my Dad’s Hardware store.”

”Ghost Hunters have filmed a real ghost, trust me, I saw it a couple of days ago and I haven’t slept since,” said Sy-Fi Channel executive Mark McGoldrick. “I can promise you, this will change the world as we know it. We now have proof of an afterlife, and of a spirit world. Do you have any idea what that will do for our ratings?!”