Poultry Farmer Accidentally Tarred And Feathered By Road Crew

Posted on October 19, 2014 by DvanL

HUNTINGTON, New York –

Centuries ago, the practice of tarring and feathering was used to publicly humiliate lawbreakers and petty criminals. Hot tar was poured onto the wrongdoer, followed by a generous application of feathers. It was a form of public shaming used to set an example.

Last week in upstate New York, a series of unfortunate incidents led to a modern-day instance of the long-discontinued practice.

Hollis McCloud, 46, has quietly made a successful business for himself, supplying a growing market with fresh, free-range poultry. “We call them ‘run-around’ chickens,” said McCloud. “More and more folks want them. Too many chemicals in the supermarket ones. We call them ‘foul fowl.’ That’s a little chicken joke we say up here all the time,” he explained.

McCloud’s delivery truck was filled to capacity with fresh hens, when he noticed a road repair crew along Cuba Hill Road, his regular route. “I saw they had the cones out, but I figured I’d drive off the road and around. I’ve done it before. All those big asphalt trucks and steam rollers blocked everything. They flagged me down and told me to turn around, but that would have made me waste an hour and a half!”

“He argued with us for a long time,” said construction supervisor Ted Graham. “His truck was driving pretty low to the ground to start with, and the grass was pretty uneven off the road, but he wouldn’t back down, so we finally told him he could try driving around but we wouldn’t be responsible.”

“So I drive around to the grass,” explained McCloud, “and one of my wheels gets stuck in a hole. I’m leaning way, way over to one side so I jump out to push the crates back up straight and that’s when the tie-down snaps and the crates fall off. Some of the chickens got out.”

McCloud chased the clucking runaways through the grass and unfortunately, back up to the freshly tarred road.

“Well my foot gets stuck,” McCloud continued. “The chickens get stuck, I fall down face first and the chickens run up to me all concerned ‘cause they think I’m their mother, I guess. I don’t know. More and more of them follow each other. It was a damn mess.”

The construction crew halted their work and did the best they could to assist the now asphalt and feather-covered chicken man.

“I tried not to laugh,” said Graham, “but it was like a movie. We tried pulling some of the chickens off of him, we got chicken feathers stuck on our gloves, we got some feathers stuck in the road, one of my crew almost got pecked in the eye, but we had to help the guy.”

The crew was able to tow McCloud’s truck back onto the road, as well as help to recover most of the chickens. “I got back on the road but had a lot of explaining to do when I was making my deliveries. I could tell some of my customers were just waiting till I drove off to bust out laughing, so I didn’t make a lot of small talk. I tried to keep my head held high, but that’s hard to do when you’ve got tar and chicken feathers all stuck to your face. I tried to keep some self-esteem, but it wasn’t easy.”

“Next time I see a traffic cone,” said McCloud, “I’m flyin’ in the other direction.”

Man Dies In Haunted House, Mistaken For Prop For Almost 2 Weeks

Posted on October 18, 2014 by DvanL

WAUKEGAN, Illinois –

Halloween in Waukegan, Illinois is anticipated by the entire town, as every October for the past 8 years, the Graham family has unveiled their haunted house to the neighborhood, with the event drawing thousands of visitors throughout the season.

The event became so popular that for the third year in a row, local police had to set up barricades to keep both automobile and pedestrian traffic moving along at an orderly pace, and the Graham’s started pre-selling tickets to the event to keep track of visitors.

“That’s how we noticed something was off,” said Hank Graham, owner of the Wicked Waukegan Haunted House. “The tickets came up one short when we counted out the receipts at the end of the day. That was the first or second night of the attraction, at the beginning of this month.”

The mystery of the incorrect ticket count was solved late last week when a 6-year-old visitor told his parents he was very frightened of the “old, dead stinky man” on the second level. “I heard the little boy say that,” said Hank, “and I thought – ‘Oh great!’ If kids are getting a scare, well, that’s the whole fun of it. Every year we add new props – we have mummies, skeletons, and mannequins, plus the ol’ peeled grapes as eyeballs in a bowl, strobe lights, fog machines – crowd favorites, I guess you’d call them. Unfortunately, it was not one of our props that had scared the boy.”

That same evening, 31-year-old Susan Johnston, screamed in terror as her children, who she was accompanying through the haunt, accidentally bumped into what they thought was a prop dummy, and discovered it to be an actual dead body.

“I told them to be careful as we went through, but my little Grace, I think she touched him and it knocked him over, and his arm literally ripped right off his body! Blood and other bodily fluids got all over Grace’s jacket and in her hair, and my son Ricky got some sort of slime all over his hand. They were both terrified. It smelled so bad when we first walked in, but we thought it was all just part of the attraction. Both of my children vomited right there on the floor.”

According to police, a 71-year-old man, whose identity has not been released pending notification to the family, had leaned up against a corner of the building after climbing the stairs to the second floor, and had apparently passed away. “We don’t yet know whether he had a heart attack or an existing illness that may have caused his death,” said Officer Allison Garfield, who had been on the scene to direct traffic. “It was mayhem after he was discovered, though. People ran from the building screaming, but not in a good, fun way as you’d expect at a place like this.”

“To think that someone could live all alone in this world in a way that no one would notice you gone for multiple weeks, and he made a trip here all by himself to have some fun…We didn’t notice him ourselves – it’s just awful,” Said Lynn Graham. “We have so many props up there I guess I thought Hank put him up there, and he thought I did.”

The local health department shut down the Halloween exhibit, but authorities did not file charges against the Graham family. “It was just an unfortunate accident,” said Officer Garfield. “These are just some wonderful people who open their home every year for people to have some fun, and this just put a shadow over the whole thing.”

The Grahams have closed their attraction for the remainder of the season, but said they do plan to re-open the haunt next year.

‘Price Is Right’ Superfan Drowns In Hot Tub He Received As Prize

Posted on October 17, 2014 by DvanL

VENTURA, California –

Ted Bosworth was a dedicated husband, father, and self-described ‘ultimate superfan’ of The Price Is Right, the iconic daytime game show known for its legion of enthusiastic fans.

Bosworth attended so many tapings of the show, that audience coordinators knew him by name. He was at Bob Barker’s final show in 2007, and just last year, the ultimate superfan’s dream came true – he was selected to “come on down!” and become one of 4 lucky audience members to join ‘Contestant’s Row.’

Bosworth had dreamed of this moment for years. “He loved the show ever since we were kids,” said Bosworth’s younger brother, Al. “It’s like he was always preparing for it. Life’s just not fair sometimes,” said Al, “I mean what happened to him. Life’s just not fair.”

Ted bid on the first prize of the day, a state-of-the-art hot tub, and was indeed, the contestant who came closest to the ‘actual retail price without going over.’ “That was no surprise,” said Al. “We watched the show so many times, he always came closest when we watched at home. He bid, and he won.”

“After he won,” continued Al, “it was like watching a kid waiting for Christmas. It took a few weeks for the tub to be delivered, so he got the space all ready in the backyard, fixing it up and getting the plumbing done. When they came to install it, we almost had to tie him down. Deb [Ted’s wife] told me he didn’t sleep the whole night before.”

“We were planning a big party for the ‘Christening.’ That’s what we called it – people were coming over for the first hot tub party that night,” said Al. We were all out getting food and drinks and Ted stayed home testing it out, and that’s when the accident happened.”

The “accident” Al refers to was an all-too-common household mishap – slipping and falling in the tub. “We got back home and I knew something was wrong. The house was too quiet. I went back out to the patio and that’s when I found him. He must have slipped and hit his head and went under. We called 911, but I knew it was too late even when I was pulling him out of the tub.”

Paramedics were unable to revive Bosworth and he was pronounced dead at the scene.

“We drained the tub and took it out the next week. It was too painful to keep it around but we planted a tree out back to remember.”

“I couldn’t watch the show anymore for about 6 months, but one day I thought about it and decided that Ted would want me to move on and watch it again, since we both had so much fun enjoying it over the years. It’s like he’s here when the show’s on,” he added.

Sean Hannity Fired From Fox Network, Blames Liberal Smear Campaign

Posted on October 17, 2014 by DvanL

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Shockwaves rippled throughout the broadcast journalism community today, with the news that conservative political commentator and show host Sean Hannity was fired by Fox News Channel President Roger Ailes.

Hannity, a Fox News programming staple since 2008, will be replaced by a new, yet-to-be-named animated news and current events show produced by Seth MacFarlane, creator and producer of Family Guy, and American Dad.

“This is a business,” remarked Ailes, when questioned outside Fox News Headquarters in New York. “Hannity was great, it performed well, but numbers were going down. People get tired of hearing the same old complaints. Maybe we’ll open up a spot for Sean if Hillary gets elected. The well’s running dry on fresh, new Obama criticisms. Even I was saying ‘haven’t we done this already?’”

Reportedly too distressed to face reporters himself, Hannity’s close friend and former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin made a post to her Facebook page, deriding the decision to remove Hannity from broadcast.

“Doggonit here we go again with the further erodation (sic) by the liberal ‘lamestream’ media folks over there, with those goshdarn attacks on REAL Americans like the great Sean Hannity, who was sadly removed from our precious airwaves today. I will continue to defend our ideals and our dearly held freedoms as these pre-packaged, left-wing newsbites are prepared in easy-chew pills for the masses, and a certain member of the White House continues to shuck and jive his way through it all.”

No mention was made of Hannity’s immediate future in the television broadcast journalism realm. He will continue to host The Sean Hannity Show on radio, which made its national debut in September, 2001.

Creator Of ‘Sons of Anarchy’ Reveals Series Ending On Instagram

Posted on October 16, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Earlier this week, Kurt Sutter, creator and driving force behind the hit television show Sons of Anarchy, posted an image to Instagram showing the final few lines on the last page of the final episode, giving fans a glimmer of hope about the survival of main character Jax Teller.

The Instagram post was made without comment, except to say that he had ‘finished *713,’ which would be episode 13 of the 7th season, the final episode to be made in the much-loved, and highly acclaimed series.

The Instagram share is still on Sutter’s account, but many people are claiming that the posting may have initially been a mistake, and that Sutter will now, or has since, changed the ending.

“I swear, I thought it was done by accident,” said a fan. “Like he probably meant to text the picture to his wife Katey (Sagal, a lead on the show) or a producer or something. Just to show it was done. If this is how the series ends, I will be so excited! No one wants Jax to die. He should live happily ever after.”

Fans are speculating on the ending of the series, which last season saw several main characters killed off, and who will live or die during these final few episodes.

“A series like this begins filming months before the final drafts of the later episodes will even be completed,” said Mark Robertsen, a television writer not affiliated with Sons. “So it’s very possible that there have been or will be changes made to the end of the series. It’s even more likely that several of the stars don’t even know if they will live through the final credits. At this point, the only one who would really know is Kurt [Sutter] himself.”

The final season of Sons of Anarchy is airing Tuesday nights at 10pm EST on cable network FX.

Final Page SOA — A screenshot from @sutterink on Instagram shows the final (possible) ending to Sons of Anarchy

Body of Union Leader Jimmy Hoffa Discovered In Nashville

Posted on October 16, 2014 by carriesnotscary

NASHVILLE, Tennessee –

Investigators have officially identified the remains of bones that were discovered buried under the lawn surrounding Nashville’s replica of the Parthenon as that of Jimmy Hoffa, the Teamsters Union president who mysteriously disappeared in 1975.

“They’re not exactly bones that we found,” said Detective Evan Hoodunett. “We found parts – lots of tiny, chopped parts of bones. This guy didn’t go easy. I haven’t even seen something this bad in a mafia movie, let alone the hundreds of real mafia murder crimes I’ve witnessed or researched.”

For decades, the whereabouts of Hoffa’s remains were an unknown, and were widely speculated and discussed. Most theorists were certain he was kidnapped and murdered by the mafia, who at the time were a large part of the Teamsters and worker’s unions across the country. It had been speculated that they drove Hoffa to New Jersey, Florida, or Georgia and hid his body. Some were certain his remains were somewhere in Detroit, not far from where he was last seen outside the restaurant Machus Red Fox.

Yet still other, more bizarre theories exist. In researching this article, it was discovered that there are at least three people on the Internet who claim that the Coen brothers got their wood chipper scene idea in the well-known film Fargo from first-hand knowledge of, and involvement in, Hoffa’s death. No explanation was given as to why, or how, that would even be possible.

“Yeah, it takes all kinds of guesses, theories, and weirdos to really keep a story like this alive for the better part of 40 years,” said Hoodunett. “I’d honestly be surprised if someone hadn’t said that Hoffa was abducted by aliens or something, by this point. There were just so many crazies out there with their arm-chair detective skills.”

As far-fetched as the Hoffa theories got, absolutely no one predicted Nashville’s Parthenon as a possibility.

“These wise guys, or, er – I mean, whoever it might have been that did him in, really did an impressive job,” said Hoodunett. “Not only did they get away with murdering a prominent public figure of that time, but they left the entire lawn where they buried his chopped up body parts spotless. We never looked here before the tip, because it was totally clean and completely random, a location that had absolutely no connection to the victim or suspects. It’s like, having red wine with burritos. Who does that?”

Family and friends of Hoffa are uneasy now that they know for certain the details of the brutality of his murder, though a select few commented that they were relieved now that they know he “got what he deserved.” Hoffa had been declared dead in absentia in 1982.

Tampax To Market Pumpkin Spice Tampons

Posted on October 15, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Not a company to be left behind when it comes to current fads, Procter & Gamble have announced today that they will begin selling their brand of Tampax tampons in a pumpkin spice scent.

The company says that they knew that the autumn season there was a big call for pumpkin spice flavors and scents, until this year they never thought they’d bring such a product to market. Head of Design Martha Plumb says that the company received so many letters and emails about developing the product over the last few years, that they decided it was time to produce it.

“Most people, especially women, love the scent of pumpkin spice,” said Plumb. “It reminds them of the fall, of autumn leaves and pumpkins and Halloween and just all the lovely, fun things the season brings. We wanted to capture that smell, those feelings, and make them available in a tampon.”

Plumb says that although the product is being developed, it won’t be ready for market until next year. “If it does well, which we believe that it will, we may introduce other scents for different times of the year, including Apple Pie, Fresh Cut Grass, and Winter Snowfall.”

Not to be outdone in the pumpkin spice arena, Reckitt Benckiser, maker of Durex brand condoms, has also announced that they are considering bringing to market a pumpkin spice flavored condom, and Charmin has said they have plans to create a pumpkin spice scented toilet paper.

Pres. Obama Orders Millions Of ‘Disposable Coffins’ In Anticipation of Ebola Deaths

Posted on October 15, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Despite claims from the CDC and other health organizations that the American people are safe from being infected with the very-deadly Ebola virus, President Obama has been secretly stock-piling over $65 million dollars worth of ‘disposable coffins,’ or plastic bins in which people can be contained and buried in the wake of an Ebola epidemic.

The coffins, which were discovered by a pilot in Madison, Georgia, are estimated to be numbered in the millions, a scary thought for a country already panicked by the idea of a deadly virus in their midst.

“I was out flying one day, and I happened over into Madison, just sight-seeing,” said Joseph Goldsmith. “I live in Covington, not too far away from Madison. Over there we got the Vantage Products company, and they already make heavy-duty casket liners for folks who are worried about being eaten alive once they’re dead, for some reason. Anyway, I happened to notice a handful of Vantage trucks pulling into a giant, gated area while I was flying over Madison. There were hundreds of thousands of large, plastic coffins. I turned around and flew the hell home fast. It was unnerving.”

An employee for Vantage Products, who asked not to be named, said that it was true that a large order of pre-fabricated plastic coffins, normally used as liners but specially designed to be used to hold actual remains, had come from someone at the White House.

“The President himself doesn’t sign the check, of course,” said the anonymous employee. “But I can tell you that the order is large, in the millions of dollars and in the tens of millions of actual product. They are preparing for an epidemic of monstrous proportions. It’s clear to me that they know something we don’t.”

Representatives from the White House refused to comment. Health officials from the Center For Disease Control maintain there is nothing to worry about, and that Ebola, although deadly, is very difficult to contract, and it has not, as some conspiracy theorists believe, become an airborne illness.

AMC Announces ‘Breaking Bad’ To Return For 6th Season; You Won’t Believe This Plot Twist

Posted on October 14, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

LOS ANGELES, California –

If you were are fan of the hit AMC TV show Breaking Bad, then I hope you’re sitting down for this news. Vince Gilligan, the creator of the much-loved series, has announced that on top of working on creating spin-off series Better Call Saul, he and his writers have begun working on a sixth season for Breaking Bad.

“It’s true, we did decide to come back for another round with Walt,” said series creator Gilligan. “Better Call Saul is going to be able to stand on its own, but there is more to Walt’s story. He hasn’t died just yet.”

Gilligan says that the story he wanted to tell got wrapped up ‘too quickly,’ and that he, his producers, and AMC executives mutually decided that they needed to provide the fans with at least one more season.

“I was contacted by executives from AMC, the network which had been our home for five great seasons,” said Gilligan. “They told me, in no few words, that they couldn’t survive as a company on just the strength of The Walking Dead; as good as people think that show is for some reason, as many records as it might break, it doesn’t have the viewership or the type of rabid fans that Bad has. So yes, this is about continuing the story for our fans, but it’s also about AMC really, really not wanting to let go of a franchise that has made their channel a contender in the world of cable.”

Series star Bryan Cranston, who previously played the lovable, goofy father on Malcolm In The Middle, became famous as Walter White, teacher-turned-meth dealer, who fans couldn’t get enough of for 5 straight years.

“I knew the show would be huge,” said Cranston in an interview last May. “It was written too well, the ideas and characters so involved, it was a lot of fun working on the series, and I’m glad I got to be a part of it.”

Cranston said that he was approached almost immediately last month about continuing the series, and didn’t hesitate for a second once he was told a bit about where they wanted to go with his character, and with the series as a whole.

“I loved playing Walter, and I was glad to jump at the chance to do it one more time,” said Cranston. “We have a lot of things happening in this last season – not giving too much away, obviously Walter didn’t die. Jesse is on the run, and our relationship is strained. The DEA and FBI don’t know Walter is alive, so the meth still flows for a while. I already know that Walt ends up in jail at some point, there is a trial, but you can bet that won’t be how the series ends, either. Everyone will be in for a real treat in season 6, I can promise that. I haven’t seen the final ending script, so hell, maybe season 6 won’t even be the last, who knows?”

Breaking Bad, which was the recipient of 10 Emmy awards during its run, begins shooting season 6 in December. The entire original cast is expected to return.

‘Russianized’ Bees Trained To Attack Ukraine For Russian Military

Posted on October 14, 2014 by DvanL

MOSCOW, Russia –

A Russian whistleblower has spilled the beans on another planned invasion of Ukraine by Russian forces, this time aided by a specially trained and bred species of attack bees.

The ‘Russianized’ bees were housed and trained in what the informant described as “anger hives,” specially constructed to keep the bees constantly agitated and ready for attack.

Through a translator he said, “We interrupted the bees’ sleep and work cycles and sometimes would poke the anger hives with sticks and broom handles. At first we were not given adequate protection to keep us from getting bee stings, and one of our workers had to be hospitalized after he accidentally tipped over one of the bee boxes. I was stung only a few times, but my friend was stung many hundreds of times.”

After the February 14 Ukrainian Revolution, Russia stepped up hardline efforts to re-establish control in the troubled region. Special military forces annexed Crimea, an act that Russian President Vladimir Putin reluctantly admitted after many international inquiries for answers.

It is unclear whether the worldwide collapse of bee populations is connected with Russian bee recruitment efforts, although the unnamed informant did provide some clues as to how the bees were obtained.

“We were ordered to plant many special fields of clover and other plant and flowers that would attract the bees. These orders came directly from President Putin. We sprayed the plants with synthetic bee hormones to attract them, and then with smoke machines and nets we were able to calm and capture them for the hives.”

As for the ‘training,’ it was explained that following the bees’ capture, the anger hives were placed in a greenhouse type structure where they were exposed to bright lights 24 hours a day, with loud ‘Ukrainian style’ music played throughout the day. Teams of ‘box bangers’ were also recruited to agitate the bees. The box bangers would rhythmically hit the hives with sticks at pre-determined times during the day at pre-set intervals timed to coincide with specific musical passages. It was believed that this schedule provided a command structure for the bees, thus making them easier to attack when triggered by the replay of the musical selection.

Russian authorities have denied the story. A spokesman for the Russian military said the charges come from “the delusions of an ex-member of our forces who received what you would call a dishonorable discharge. These absolutely ridiculous rumors came from an individual labeled a misfit. He could not withstand the rigors and discipline of military training.”

At present, it is unclear if bee recruitment and training did progress to the level explained by the informant, as no physical evidence can be found of either the fields used to attract the bees, or the anger hive structures.

“That is not surprising,” said the informant. “Why would they admit such a thing? I saw it with my own eyes and have several bee-stings to prove what I saw is true. Someday the world will know that I am not a crazy person and that I speak the truth,” he added.