Trump Superfan Gets Portrait Tattoo Inside Her Anus

Posted on June 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

A Donald Trump superfan has gone to great lengths to both show – and hide – her support for Making America Great Again. Mark Rogers, a tattoo artist in Las Vegas, Nevada, has confirmed that he did tattoo a portrait of the Republican nominee inside the anus of a 29-year-old woman.

“She doesn’t want her name out there, because her family doesn’t know she’s a Trump supporter, so she doesn’t want me to mention her, but I can confirm that I did give her the tattoo, yes,” said Rogers. “I was surprised that a supporter would want his tattoo in their asshole; that seems more like something that someone who hates him would get – at least placement wise, but she said she wanted to keep it a secret.”

Rogers says that in his 20 years of tattooing, it’s not the first time he’s tattooed someone’s anus, but it is the first time he’s done a portrait there.

“It was a long, slow process, but we got a really good likeness, I think,” said Rogers. “For my money, though, I wish I could have done a Clinton portrait instead.”

Woman Says She Got Pregnant After Sitting On Target Store Bathroom Toilet

Posted on June 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JACKMAN, Mississippi –

Roberta Jones, 33, says that she got pregnant a few weeks ago after visiting a local Target store and using their bathroom.

“I saw a man coming out as I was going in, but I didn’t think nothing of it,” said Jones, a cashier at a grocery store. “I thought he musta walked in there by mistake. It’s happened to us all at one point or another. But then when I used the bathroom, I did notice that there was something sticky and nasty on the seat when I sat down. I knew I shoulda hovered.”

Jones says that a few weeks later, she took a home pregnancy test, and it confirmed that she was carrying a baby.

“I haven’t had sex in over a year, and when I thought back about it, I knew it had to be that toilet. I think that man done jerked himself off in there, like a creeper, and left his little babies all over the seat,” said Jones. “Some of ’em must have flowed up in me when I was peeing. It’s nasty. But God says I can’t abort the baby, so here I go again.”

Police say they are working with the Target store security team to review footage and locate the now-expectant father.

You Won’t Believe The Scam That These People Fell For

Posted on May 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COLUMBUS, Ohio –

Across the nation people have reported receiving scam calls that falsely suggest they are in trouble with the IRS. In a recent twist to the old scam, that most people would find ludicrous, cons are asking consumers to pay off their debt in iTunes gift cards.

Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine is warning consumers to beware of callers who claim to represent the IRS and ask for payment via iTunes gift cards, after 10 Ohioans recently reported losing between $1,000 and $11,500 to the ploy.

The victims were told to purchase iTunes gift cards, often worth $500 each, to resolve the supposed tax problem. After buying the cards, the victims were instructed to read the numbers on the back of the cards over the phone, and assured that this was a more secure method of payment because they were not giving out their credit card or checking information over the phone. Scammers then drained the cards’ funds, making it nearly impossible for the victims to recover the money.

“Obviously the IRS is not going to call you unexpectedly and demand that you pay off tax debt using an iTunes card,” Attorney General DeWine said. “This is not how the IRS operates. But some people are just dumb. We’re encouraging people with sense to talk to friends, family, and neighbors about this.”

11-Year-Old Boy Accidentally Kills Mother With Mushrooms; Sentenced To Death Penalty

Posted on May 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FREEMONT, Nevada –

Jackson Russell says he was just trying to surprise his mother with breakfast in bed when he accidentally served her death cap mushrooms. This variety of mushrooms has a similar look to wild edible mushrooms, but as much as half a cap has enough poison to kill an adult.

“I was just making her a breakfast to make her happy. I did not try to poison her,” said Russell. “The mushrooms came from the outside, near the barn. I got ’em when I was getting eggs from the chickens.”

Four hours later, Russell’s mother, Katrina, was hospitalized after she experienced nausea, vomiting, cramps, and diarrhea, which normally pass after the irritant had been expelled. She thought she was feeling better and was discharged from the emergency room, but hours later she died.

Jackson Russell was taken into police custody, and was charged in the death of his mother. Normally an accidental death would not form a stern punishment in the case of a young child, but the harsh judge delivered a strict verdict, and sentence Russell to the death penalty.

“I am so sorry that I hurt mommy, but I didn’t mean it,” said Russell in the courtroom. “The judge says I was too bad, though, so I have to go live where Daddy used to live, and then they’re going to give me a shot in a few months. I’m sad about that, too. I hate shots.”

Woman Kills Husband, Says ‘Crystal Skull’ Told Her To

Posted on May 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUGUSTA, Georgia –

Deanna Reaves says she killed her husband for everyone’s benefit. The 47 year old woman claims to be in contact with a member of an ancient race who resides in a crystal skull she bought from a local shop.

The crystal skull allegedly told her to hill her husband because the illuminati deemed him a threat.

Reaves explains the killing saying, “We are not indigenous to this planet. An old native American legend describes the existence of thirteen ancient crystal skulls, the size of human skulls, with moveable jaws that were said to speak or sing. The legend tells that these crystal skulls contain important information about some of the great mysteries of life and the universe. They contain knowledge about the past history of our species on this planet, and information about mankind’s true purpose and future destiny.”

“The legend also says that one day, at a time of great need, all of these crystal skulls will be rediscovered and brought back together to reveal their information vital to the very survival of the human race. But the legend also warns that when that time arrives mankind must first be sufficiently developed, suitably evolved both morally and spiritually, so as not to abuse this great knowledge.”

A judge is determining Reaves’ mental state, and whether she is fit for trial. So far, he’s thinking “absolutely fucking not.”

‘Adult Baby’ Sexual Trend On The Rise Among Kinky Section Of Public

Posted on May 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FLINT, Michigan –

Donald Grover has been pretending to be a baby for most of his adult life. His wife, Mary, feeds him, changes his XXL diapers, and even breast feeds him. The trend of being an “adult baby” has become more and more common in the last few years, at least when it comes to certain kinky groups that are making their way out of the underground.

“I love wearing my diaper. I love shitting myself, and I love when Mary has to change me. It’s a sexual thrill, yes, but it also brings me back to my younger and more vulnerable years, and it makes me feel so good,” said Grover, who used to be a lawyer before he started carrying a rattle. “Mary loves taking care of me, too. We never had a child of our own, so it works.”

Mary, for her part, does seem to be okay with the entire situation.

“It becomes really weird when I’m changing him and he pees on me or something. Or when he gets mad and throws his food across the room,” said Mary. “That’s not really a sexual turn-on for me, but I do the best I can with what I have. I’m no looker, you know.”

Many people say they are turned on by the idea of dressing as a baby and being pampered, although most do not do it on a regular basis.

Anti-Circumcision Activist Forcibly Circumcised

Posted on May 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A man who was in our nation’s capital protesting the circumcision of infants was reportedly attacked and forcibly circumcised himself, by an assailant that is being referred to as “very angry.”

“He came out of nowhere, out of the shadows, and he pulled me into an alley,” said the protestor, John Jacobs. “He whispered into my ear that ‘dicks should look good, asshole,’ and then he pulled my penis out and cut off the tip.”

Unfortunately for Jacobs, he was actually already circumcised, and the entire head of his penis was cut off.

“The guy was very angry that we were trying to make people stop cutting their babies, and I have no idea why,” said Jacobs. “I think that sometimes people are very passionate about things, and they don’t know how to handle it. Unfortunately, I may have lost my penis, but I feel no ill will. I just want this poor man found so he can get the help he needs.”

Teen Arrested For Threatening To Kill Parents After They Confiscate His Marijuana

Posted on May 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRIDGETON, Delaware –

An 18 year old high school senior, Jack Cloutier, was arrested at his school, Madison Sr. High, after his parents filed criminal charges against him. He has been accused of telling his parents he would kill them, after they found and confiscated marijuana from his room and refused to return in.

“First he started dressing in all black. Then his grades started falling. His face began breaking out, and before we knew it he was lashing out at me and his father,” said Mary Cloutier, Jack’s mother. “Of course we knew he must be on drugs, because nothing else could turn out sweet baby boy into such a monster.”

Jack was being held on charges of attempted assault and criminal threatening. His parents say that they refused to return his marijuana because they had smoked it all themselves.

Organ-Stealing Group Of Thieves Moving Up and Down East Coast

Posted on May 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

A gang of blackmarket organs dealers have been roaming up and down the East coast, attacking and later killing people for their organs, which can be harvest in an illegal trade for thousands, and even hundreds of thousands, of dollars.

“They’re hard to track because they aren’t local and they aren’t predictable. They target teens and mature adults, but young organs fetch the highest price,” said police chief Oliver Nunez of Miami PD. “Thing is, we have no idea who they are, but we have taken in over 65 dead bodies so far, all of which have been completely drained of blood and had their organs removed.”

Miami police say that they are working with police departments as far north as Boston and even Portland, Maine. They say that the number of actual deaths so far could be as high as 300. They are advising people to not go outside wearing skimpy clothing that could make them an easier time for being cut open.

Mom Says Her Baby Is Reincarnation Of Jesus After Seeing Image Of Savior In Dirty Diaper

Posted on May 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SANTA VALARTE, Mexico –

Mary Flores claims Christ is born again, and it is her baby. She claims she has seen the sign of the Lord in her son’s dirty diaper. She immediately Snapchatted the cross of poo she found in her son’s diaper, where all her contacts proclaimed it a miracle. She has preserved the diaper in a display case, welcoming those who want to see the miracle.

Flores says, “I expect many will make a pilgrimage. Bring me gifts – I mean for my son. They will bring gifts to the baby Jesus.”

According to Flores, her first name is no coincidence. “God whispered the name Mary in my mother’s ear for a reason. He had a plan for me.”

The diaper has not yet been evaluated by anyone from the Vatican, but Flores hopes to have the Pope bless the poop.