Man Overdoses on Pink Himalayan Salt; Doctors Put Him On Life Support

Posted on January 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

Himalayan salt is said to improve respiratory and vascular health, lower blood sugar in diabetics, and reverses the signs of aging. Dave Cyrus read inititally tried it because he thought it would help seasonal affective disorder and give him more energy.

Within a few months he was ingesting so much pink salt, he was diagnosed with salt poisoning. Salt poisoning signs are often subtle at first, including lethargy, irritability, and bloating. With continued ingestion they can result in seizure or coma. Dave’s wife found him unconscious in the kitchen last week, barely able to move.

Wife Jessica says her husband became obsessed. “It started with those salt lamps. They have nice ambiance. I didn’t complain. Then he discovered pink salt. He’d just rave about how healthy he was, how good it made him feel – and if nothing else, he was definitely more horny. Whenever I warned him he was taking too much salt, he’d just whip it out, and I couldn’t argue with that.”

Dave remains at Mercy hospital in a coma. Jessica says she will keep him on life support as long as it takes. “When he gets out of this coma my first words to him are going to be, ‘I told you so, you lunkhead.’ My second words, though, will probably be ‘Can you whip it out for me again, though, hun?'”

Police Uncover Multiple Bodies In Indiana Junkyard; Owners Deny Any Serial Killers In Family

Posted on January 16, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WESTFIELD, Indiana –

A recently-deceased scrapyard owner is Westfield Police’s initial suspect after five bodies were found on his grounds last Friday. Ed Aviry, of Aviry Metals, passed away from heart failure only a few short weeks ago, leaving his business to his brother John Aviry. Ed’s nephew, 12-year-old John Jr., was the one to discover the first of the remains.

John Sr. says he was in the office, going through paperwork, when his son told him he had found bones.

“’Course I thought they were animal bones, but I agreed to go out to take a look. Then I saw they were sticking out of a jacket and we called it in…But I never thought it was Ed who had done it. He might’ve been a loner, but that don’t make him a killer.”

John Aviry Sr. also said Ed had a bad back and would not have been able to hide the bodies amidst the junk. “He was too old for that shit. Plus, from his books, I reckon he wasn’t doing much business the last few years. Who knows how often he even went out in the yard? If anyone was out there burying bodies, I’d have known. I was out there every day, all day. I swear, I wasn’t burying bodies or anything, though.”

Police say that they are still uncovering bodies throughout the 14-acre property, and the entire area has been designated a crime scene.

“At last count, we had found 11 bodies spread throughout the area, and we are, at this time, considering them all as homicide cases,” said police chief Joe Goldsmith of Westfield Police Department. “We have not publicly named any suspects, although at this time we are asking the Aviry family to not leave the area.”

Teens Allegedly Vandalize Cemetery in Name of Satan

Posted on January 16, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Paula McCain, who lives across the street from the Westview cemetery in Atlanta, witnessed the black-clad teens enter the graveyard and – recognizing that they were local goths – immediately called police.

Fearing a reputation of ‘rat’ in the community, McCain made it clear that she would not have normally called the police. “If it had been some boys from the football team, I’d have thought ‘boys will be boys,’ they’re probably just sneaking a beer. But devil worshipers going into a graveyard after dark – well, they’re likely sacrificing a cat or something.”

Officer Browne seized a half-smoked cigarette from one of the teens and confiscated a copy of the Satanic Bible by Anton Szandor LaVey as evidence. The 3 teens have been charged with vandalism for three old tombstones that appear to have been tipped over. The rumor that the teens are behind the recent disappearance of neighborhood cats has caught on and angry citizens are demanding that the courts throw the book at the kids.

Michael “Damian” Luther denies hurting anyone. “God must be sacrificed. ‘Under no circumstances would a Satanist sacrifice any animal or baby!’ It’s right there in the Satantic Bible. Look it up. If the pigs hadn’t taken my copy, I’d show you,” said Luther.

All three children are currently grounded by their parents while awaiting sentencing.

Woman Sells Her 2-Year-Old Son On Craigslist To Get Money For Abortion

Posted on January 14, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COMPTON, California –

Marlene Jones, 23, was arrested for attempting to sell her 2-year-old son Jamal to a couple via Craigslist. Jones says that she needed the money for an abortion.

“Look, I already hads the one kid, and it was too damn much just feeding his ass and shit,” said Jones. “Then I found out that Marques got me pregnant. Or Damien did. Or Leon. Shit, it don’t matter who the baby daddy is. Alls I’m saying is that no one was giving me no $400 to go get rid of the kid, so better to kill two birds with one stone, anyway.”

Jones says that getting pregnant with her son Jamal was also an accident, and it ‘ruined her life.’

“Everyone kept telling me to keep him. They saying stuff like ‘Oh, you don’t want him now, but carry the baby and when he comes out you’ll never love anything more,'” said Jones. “I don’t know why I be listening to dumb bitches. I love plenty of things more. I love my Gucci bag more than Jamal for shit sake. I definitely ain’t about to be having no other one.”

The couple who were planning on purchasing Jamal said that they were “only doing it to help the child,” and see that he didn’t stay in an unwanted home. They are being charged in separate crimes by police.

Psychic Assaulted After Refusing To Divulge Winning Powerball Numbers

Posted on January 11, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DOVER, Colorado –

After Sarah “Moonbeam” Morris told Ricky Murphy to “go get a fortune cookie” when he demanded Saturday’s winning Powerball numbers, she was allegedly assaulted with a crystal ball. Moonbeam says she did not see it coming, but her guides had warned her to expect a visit from someone with desperate financial troubles earlier that day.

“The messages are vague sometimes. Think of communication from the other side like a bad cell connection. It can be a bit choppy,” says Moonbeam.

The longtime psychic says Murphy came in for a reading, at first venting that he was down, and then becoming agitated when she “refused” to give him the winning Powerball numbers. He then picked up a large quartz crystal ball, used for readings, from her table, and struck her twice over the head.

“My life purpose lies in helping others find the pathway to healing and happiness through the gift of psychic and intuitive counseling- not asking my spiritual guides for lottery numbers.”

She claims her spiritual guide did give her his license plate number though, which she gave police. Police later picked Murphy up at the Grand Dump Chinese Buffet. He is being charged with aggravated assault and leaving the scene of a crime.

House Cat Wanted By Police After Robbing Massachusetts Liquor Store

Posted on January 8, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LYNN, Massachusetts –

A white and black house cat and his owners are wanted in connection with a robbery of Loomos Bros. Liquor on Boston Street in Lynn. The cat was strapped with what appeared to be explosives, a GoPro camera, and a fanny pack.

The cat was also equipped with a microphone. “The cat wandered in, and at first I thought it was cute,” said store owner Joe Lewis. ” Then I heard a voice saying the pussy was armed, and to put the money from the register in the fanny pack.”

In the 911 recording, the operator at first informs the owner of the penalties for abusing 911, but reluctantly dispatches police. Investigators say the owner’s story has been backed up by store surveillance videos.

Edward Rogers, lead investigator, says, “We expect the perpetrators are local. Someone had to know someone was training a cat in this neighborhood, and there will be a leak. I have no doubts.”

Police say the cat is a black and white tabby, with spots on his back. He was last seen wearing a green fanny pack. People in the area of Boston Street who have seen the cat are encouraged to contact police.

Woman Leaves Toddler In Freezing Car For Over 30 Minutes While She Buys Red Bull

Posted on January 8, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AKRON, Ohio –

Cheryl Crawford has been arrested on charges of endangering a child after leaving her 5-year-old son in the backseat on an unheated car in frigid temperatures. She reportedly was getting him a Red Bull inside the gas station when a cash register malfunction held up the line.

Police Chief Andy Alleman told reporters a a concerned citizen called in, saying a young child was in the car alone on the 9-degree day. An officer responded within minutes and waited for the guardian’s return, fifteen minutes later. He had been preparing to break open the window.

The officer asked Crawford what had been so important in the store, and she produced lottery tickets, cigarettes, and a 12 oz RedBull. When the Crawford opened the locked car the boy “threw a fit, demanding the Redbull, which she refused to do, worried it might be illegal to give children caffeine.”

“Look, when you got a pain-in-the-ass little boy, then you talk to me about leaving him places,” said Crawford. “I went in the store, and there was problems with the register. What am I supposed to do? Take him inside every time I have to go to a store? What do I do when I go into my boy’s house to pick up a gram? Do I bring him in there, too? Shit.”

Woman Arrested For Assaulting McDonald’s Manager Over Dollar Menu Price Increases

Posted on January 7, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

McDonalds has been forced to raise prices on its popular dollar menu items, citing the rising price of mystery meat, the increase in wages forced on them by lazy employees, and decline of customers looking for the instant diarrhea experience.

Lucia Haywood, 38, stormed into the McDonalds on Main St. in Denver, Colorado, demanding to speak to the manager after she was informed that her favorite food item, the popular McDouble, was no longer a dollar. Haywood was arrested after she smacked manger Joe Donaldson in the face with her purse.

Haywood says she deserved the normal price, since there were no indications of the change on the menu board outside, and the items were still listed under “dollar menu.”

“It aint a dollar menu if it’s more than a dollar. That is false advertising!” claimed Haywood to police. “If all I gots left from my welfare at the end of the month is a buck, then I want to spend that buck on a Dollar Menu burger! That manager should have adjusted the price. I ain’t got no extra forty damn cents!”

Police agreed with Haywood that Dollar Menu items should be only one dollar, and she was subsequently released.

Woman Arrested After Spanking Her 28-Year-Old Daughter Over Her Parenting Techniques

Posted on January 6, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Karen Stillwell, 52, was arrested after spanking her 28-year-old daughter, Renee Stillwell who allergy spanked her two year old unjustly. Karen Stillwell told local news, “She spanked that precious little baby, so I gave her a little slap on the behind to show her how it feels.”

Renee had a neighbor photograph pictures of the handprint on her behind and then called the police. “It wasn’t a little spanking. She tackled me to the ground and whacked me repeatedly,” said Renee Stillwell. “I’m not going to take that kind of abuse, especially not from my psycho mother. She hit me enough growing up. The only person who gets to hit me like that is my husband, but really, only if he’s a good boy and I don’t have a headache.”

When asked if she spanked her daughter as a child, Stillwell said she did, but only with good reason. “She was a willful little brat, always trying to get into my candy stash and her dad’s potato sticks. She deserved it. My grandson, that sweet little angel didn’t deserve it. He was just being mouthy, calling his mother a ‘fucking bitch,’ which, sad to say about my own daughter, is entirely true. It’s easy to see it’s a completely different situation.”

McDonald’s Manager Assaults Customer With Mozzarella Sticks

Posted on January 1, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DETROIT, Michigan –

Fed up with all the complaints she was getting about the new McDonald’s mozzarella sticks, shift leader Harriet Truman threw a box of fresh, hot mozzarella sticks at an irate customer. Because of flaws in the baking process, the sticks may or may not still have their cheesy centers. The customer had gone through the drive-thru, and came in upset that she had gotten a “dud stick”.

Truman tried to defuse the customer by replacing the order, but the customer was still not happy.

Gloria Potts, the customer who was assaulted with the cheesy deliciousness, says she was mad that she had to get out of her car in the first place. “The only reason I do go to McDonald’s is so I can get my afternoon snacks without getting out of the car. I deserved to be compensated for having to do that. All she wanted to do was give me a new batch. I want that, plus my money back, plus some coupons for free food at a later date. I’m the customer, and the customer is always right.”

Truman was not fired, but did receive a warning from corporate not to throw food. She was taken into police custody for assault, but released on $50 bail. McDonalds is aware of the issue and offered a public apology Thursday after receiving numerous complaints about the lack of mozzarella in their cheesy snacks.