Blind Klan Member Kills Himself After Sleeping With African-American Prostitute

Posted on November 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HARLAN COUNTY, Kentucky –

Marshall Rogers, a longtime racist and self-proclaimed bigot, reportedly hung himself after discovering that he had slept with an African-American prostitute.

Rogers, who was legally blind, has paid for the services of Amber Grey, a prostitute in his hometown where Rogers was an active member of the Ku Klux Klan. Although Grey says that she knew that Rogers would be “extremely upset” if he found out she wasn’t white, she continued to allow him to pay for sex.

“I thought it was hilarious, really,” said Grey. “He would call me up, I’d go over. He thought I was white, I guess, because he’d always talk about how glad he was to find a nice ‘white piece of ass’ out of all the ‘nigger trash’ that whored themselves out. Frankly, I needed the money, and it kind of made me happy to be putting one over on the old racist bastard.”

After several months of procuring Grey’s services, Rogers was informed by members of the Klan that she was not white, and Rogers, who was reportedly already unstable after losing his eyesight during Vietnam, hanged himself in his den. He left a note addressed to his Klan, although police are not saying what it contained.

Grey, who has been cooperating with police on any information she is able to provide, will not be charged with any crimes in the part of Rogers’ death, although she has been arrested for solicitation.

4-Year-Old Girl Recognized As Youngest Ever Confirmed Pregnancy

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LEXINGTON, Kentucky –

A 4-year-old girl who has been confirmed to be 4 weeks pregnant has been recognized by the World Health Organization as the youngest person ever to become with child, according to a spokesman for the WHO.

Amy Jones, 4, was confirmed to be pregnant by her pediatrician. Although the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy are not clear, doctors say that it’s “not surprising” a child of that age could conceive.

“With all the hormones put in food and drinks these days by unscrupulous companies, it’s a wonder that babies couldn’t get pregnant,” said Dr. Emmett Fields of the Lexington Medical School. “Before this, the youngest child ever to become pregnant was 6-years-old, and she had turned 7 by the time the baby was born. It’s mind-boggling to think, but when it comes down to it, girls are experiencing puberty and younger and younger ages.”

Dr. Fields says that as times have progressed, children have hit their puberty cycles earlier and earlier. A recently as the 1940s, the average age of a boy or a girl hitting puberty was 12. As of this year, it’s 9.

“It’s staggering, really,” said Dr. Fields. “I am saddened by the developments, but excited at the prospect of working with this young girl as she goes through her pregnancy. It will be a first for everyone.”

Police who were contacted about the pregnancy say they are working with doctors to discover if there was any abuse, but so far say there is no evidence leading to that conclusion.

Family Loses House After Christmas Lights Cause Massive Fire

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BUXTON, Maine –

A family in Maine who decorated their house far, far too early for Christmas have reportedly lost everything after the lights they placed around their house caught fire, destroying the home in a massive blaze.

The Miller family of 35 Willow Lane in Buxton, Maine, say that every year at this time they decorate their house for the upcoming holiday season.

“Not for Halloween, though, that’s the Devil’s holiday,” said Mary Buxton, 42. “We skip the entire concept of Halloween and go right to Christmas. The beautiful lights, the colors, the fake snow. We love it. We always decorate for Christmas at the end of October.”

According to police, though, this year the Millers’ received a stroke of bad luck, after a string of Christmas lights the family hung outside blew, the sparks causing a fire that destroyed the home.

“Thankfully, no one was injured in the horrific blaze,” said fire chief Mike Pooler. “I will say, though, that this should be a lesson to everyone to not rush into the Christmas spirit. If you are decorating for Christmas now, I am of the opinion your house deserves to burn to the ground. I mean, I tried to save the home, but in the back of my mind I was thinking ‘Burn, you house of Christmas! Burn!'”

The Miller family says they are starting a GoFundMe page to try and raise money to replace the Christmas presents that were already inside the home under their stupid fake tree.

Haunted House Employee Dressed As Jason Voorhees Arrested After Killing 19

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MANCHESTER, New Hampshire –

A haunted house employee at a venue in New Hampshire was arrested after police say the man “snapped,” and murdered 19 people with a machete while they were inside the haunt.

Thomas Richards, 37, was taken into police custody after a haunted house volunteer called 911. They claimed that one of other costumed characters working the event, who was dressed as horror movie character Jason Voorhees, was attacking people with what was supposed to be a fake machete.

“Mr. Richards had apparently swapped out his foam, haunt-provided machete for a real one, and attacked guests as they made their way through the haunted house,” said police chief Mario Colone. “He was able to attack over 30 people, with 19 of them dying from injuries sustained by the machete blows. These attacks took place over a period of 45 minutes, as no one knew the screams inside were real.”

Richards was well liked by his fellow haunt employees, and haunt organizers say that Richards had come back multiple years, with 2015 being his 9th year playing Jason in the haunted house.

“It’s mind-boggling that Thomas would just snap and kill all those people,” said haunted house organizer Christopher Creed. “I don’t know what would make him do it, but it is insane. The scene was bloody and violent. It was so disturbing I cringed. In fact, it was so disturbing, we decided to leave the crime scene the way it is for next year’s haunted house. People will be scared to death!”

Richards is scheduled for arraignment on Thursday. He will be charged with 19 counts of first-degree murder, as well as an additional 15 counts of attempted murder and assault with a deadly weapon. Police say that he faces the death penalty.

Mother Arrested For Burning Her 4-Year-Old Child Alive; Claims Toddler Was A Witch

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRIGHTON, Delaware –

A Delaware mother was arrested and charged with first-degree murder after allegedly tying her 4-year-old child to a stake in their back yard and burning her alive. The mother, Amber Stone, says that she needed to perform the burning because her toddler was showing “witch-like” powers.

“When Julie was a baby, everything was normal, but in the last couple months, she’d been displaying horrible, witch-like attributes,” said Stone in a police interview. “She would cry all the time, and whine. Often times, when she didn’t get her way, things would happen in the house, like a light bulb would burn out or the dog would bark uncontrollably. It was very frightening.”

Stone says that she initially consulted a priest in hopes of getting an exorcism, but she was denied because she was Jewish. In the end, she said her online research led her to believe that her daughter was actually a witch.

“I didn’t believe it at first, but there were entire forums dedicated to it, and Julie was definitely a witch, or was going to become one soon,” said Stone. “I asked users on Reddit what they thought I should do, and they said the only way to free her soul was to burn her alive at the stake, so that’s what I did.”

Police reports indicate that Stone built a small fire pit in her back yard with a long pole in the middle. She reportedly tied up her daughter, wrapped her in a blanket, and doused her with lighter fluid. Police were called when neighbors complained of a “horrific odor” emanating from the Stone’s house.

Amber Stone faces the death penalty for her crime. Lawyers for the defendant say that she has “no chance in Hell” of being found not guilty, and that they barely plan to try and defend her.

Company Rents Out Children to Couples Who Are Considering Parenthood

Posted on October 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALTON, Minnesota –

A small Minnesota town is making national headlines this week after the Associated Press learned that a local Planned Parenthood facility was renting out babies and young children to couples who were deciding on whether or not to start families of their own.

According to reports, the New Beginnings Clinic in Dalton started a program where, for a fee, couples could ‘lease’ a child for a short period of time to better familiarize themselves with what being parents would be like. The program director, Gail Levesque, says that since the program started last October, many couples were able to decide positively if they wanted a future that included children.

“The support has been wonderful,” said Levesque. “The entire community really understands what we’re doing, and many families have helped by loaning to us their babies and toddlers so these couples could really see what life is like with a child. We always split the rental fee with the family who was gracious enough to lend us their precious bundle of joy.”

Levesque says that couples looking to rent a child from them go through extensive background and criminal checks, as well as drug testing. After all reports come in, then – and only then – will the clinic approve the request for loan. The fee to rent a baby for a week begins at $400. The longest they allow you to keep the child is 9 weeks, for an even $2500.

“It’s a small fee to pay to really understand what being a parent is like,” said Levesque. “So many of our couples who have chosen not to start families after their rental period really thank us for showing them a possible future. They are more than happy to have spent only $400 for a week with a baby to know that they couldn’t possibly handle 18 years of the same things.”

“It worked out really great for my me and my husband,” said Amber Perry, a mother of a 2-year-old boy. “We wanted to take a vacation to Palm Springs, and bringing along a small child would be such a hassle. We didn’t have any family to take him in, so we loaned him to New Beginnings. They gave us $200 up-front for the use of our child, so we got to have some extra fun on our vacation!”

“We’re trying to help people really plan for parenthood,” said Levesque. “I think that we’re accomplishing that very well.”

Wendy’s Employee Kills Manager After Having Time Off Request Denied

Posted on October 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BROOKLYN, New York –

An employee at a Wendy’s location has been arrested after allegedly killing his boss when his time off request was denied.

Jerald Marques, 26, was arrested after another Wendy’s employee called 911 on Wednesday evening. The call, which was made to police around 6pm, recorded the voice of a frightened woman who was calling from inside the kitchen of the Wendy’s.

“Oh my God, my God! Jerald done killed the boss! He just killed the manager!” said the unknown caller. Police arrived on the scene to find Marques casually eating a cheeseburger in the dining room of the restaurant. He was reportedly covered in blood and mustard.

“I asked for Halloween off almost over two months ago, and that dumb muthafucka denied my request,” said Marques. “I wanted to take my baby girl out trick-or-treating, and he said I couldn’t. Well fuck him, I do what I wanna do.”

Marques was arrested and taken into custody. He is scheduled to be arraigned on Monday. He is charged with assault with a deadly weapon (metal spatula), and murder in the first degree.

Animal Breeder Successfully Joins Sloths With Kittens

Posted on October 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

A selective breeder from Kentucky has said that he has successfully combined the internet’s two most popular animals – the sloth and the cat – into one extremely cute animal.

“It took many years of genetic research, and plenty of time and effort,” said animal breeder Jeremy Richards. “Not to mention trying to entice a sloth to have sex with a cat. That was not easy. In the end, though, it’s all been worth it, because I’ve finally been able to breed a new animal, which I have dubbed the Slitten. Or, possible, the Cloth. I haven’t decided.”

Richards says he has been working on creating the “internet’s perfect animal” for the better part of 10 years.

“I’ve had success in the past combining rabbits and cats, cats and chickens, goats and beavers, all sorts of animals,” said Richards. “This is the first time, though, I was able to work with an exotic animal like a sloth.”

Richards says that he made the animal “purely for show,” and that he would not be selling them.

“I just want people to be able to admire them, but I don’t know their temperament or anything yet, so for now, they stay with me.”

Woman Who Was Arrested For Masturbating With Sausage Dies In Prison

Posted on October 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CLARKSVILLE, Louisiana –

Last week, shopper Shaniqua Johnson was arrested for allegedly masturbating with a Jimmy Dean sausage inside of a Wal-Mart Super Center in Louisiana. The incident, which was reportedly caught on camera, prompted the arrest of Johnson, who was being held after it was found she was unable to make bail.

“Ms. Johnson, who was arrested for lewd acts and shoplifting late last week at a Wal-Mart location, was found dead this morning in her cell,” said Police Chief Richard Brown. “In an ironic turn of events, it appears that Ms. Johnson choked on a sausage that was part of her state-provided breakfast meal. The coroner will release his full findings after an autopsy.”

“It’s a shame, really. If she had just paid for those sausages before masturbating with them in the first place, she never would have been in jail,” said Wal-Mart store manager Ross Mitchell. “I almost feel somehow responsible for this, like maybe I shouldn’t have called the cops. I mean, it was just a $5 package of sausage. I could have written it off.”

Johnson, who would have been facing 3 years in prison for her crimes, will be buried in the state cemetery, as no living relatives could be located.

Dehydrated Human Finger Found In Bag Of Jerky

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUSTIN, Texas –

A Texas man says that while eating a bag of Johnny Frank’s Jerky yesterday, he got more than he bargained for when he bit into what he says is a dehydrated human finger.

“It was pretty damn nasty, not gonna lie for a minute,” said Texas rancher Billy Bob Jones. “I didn’t notice how it looked at first, but damnit, when I bit into that finger, I knew something wasn’t right. Someone at the Johnny Frank’s is gonna pay.”

“We at JF’s Jerky pride ourselves on delivering a reputable, delicious product, and it would be very difficult, based on the way we manufacture our jerky, for a human finger to end up inside a bag,” said Johnny Frank spokesman Carl Lewis. “We are taking Mr. Jones’ statements very seriously, and are beginning an investigation into the matter.”

In the meantime, Lewis says that they will be offering Jones a replacement bag of jerky at no cost.