FBI Charges Hillary Clinton With Multiple Counts Of Sharing ‘Top Secret’ E-Mails

Posted on August 30, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Democratic Presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton’s campaign has been struck a mighty blow today, with news of the FBI’s announcement of criminal charges being formally filed against her for allegedly sharing top secret information via public channels.

“President Obama was shocked to learn about the charges against Clinton today while reading the paper on a golf course in Hawaii,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest.”The President has said he puts his complete faith in the FBI, and promises to learn more about charges against Mrs. Clinton when he gets back to the White House next week.”

“I don’t know anything about how to set up an e-mail account,” said Clinton during a press conference this morning. ”When I was the Secretary of State, I thought it would just to be easier to use my current email address, HillaryRocks at AOL dot com. Chelsey set it up for me years ago, and it’s cute, so I kept it. I never knowingly shared top secret information with any foreign government – I’m just old, phones confuse me, and the buttons are so small. I may have hit ‘forward all’ a few times, but never on purpose. I committed no crime here, and it’s clear I’m being thrown under the bus by President Obama, who just wants to see Joe Biden as the next President!”

When asked why President Obama would have any reason to discredit her, Clinton mentioned that there may have been some issues between her family and his in the past.

“Well, Bill may have gotten a little frisky once with Michelle Obama at a government party, and Barack has held a grudge ever since. I want to promise my supporters that I will beat these charges, though, like we Clintons have always done. Even though I’m not smart enough to figure out how to have two different email addresses on one phone, I’m still smarter than Biden and those republican idiots.”

In another turn of events, Vice President Joe Biden says that he may actually run for president now, with the full support of Obama and his current cabinet.

“With this shocking news, it’s clear that I will have to throw my hat into the ring and run for President to save the Democratic party,” said Vice President Joe Biden. ”That’s right America, old Bumbling Joe needs your vote – and your money – because I am getting into the race, even if it is a little late.”

If found guilty of the crimes charged, Clinton could face up to 50 years in prison.

Handgun Charged With Murder Of 3 In Virginia

Posted on August 29, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

MONETA, Virginia –

In a shocking series of events, a semi-automatic handgun has been charged with the murder of 3 people in Moneta, Virginia, after a widely-broadcast shooting recently took place. Prosecutors are saying that since the alleged shooter was also killed, the only responsible party remaining is the actual gun itself.

“After murdering two people, the gunman used this semi-automatic pistol to then kill himself, leaving nothing behind except for the gun,” said prosecuting attorney Myles Shepherd. “Guns are extremely dangerous, and we feel it is time that they should be held accountable for their crimes.”

Attorneys for the defense team say that the Ruger semi-automatic handgun was acting under the control of someone else, and should therefore not be held accountable for its actions.

“This gun was simply doing what guns were made to do, and that’s fire off rounds shamelessly into the bodies of other people, even if that happens on national TV and in videos posted to social media,” said defense attorney Jeremiah Clifford. “Yes, people were killed. Yes, it was senseless and violent. But is that really the fault of the gun, or the person who was holding it? Everyone knows that guns don’t kill people, people kill people.”

“People may kill people, sure, but guns kill way more often. We strongly believe that guns are to blame for the crime and hate in this world, and that finally holding the weapon responsible will force peace everywhere,” said Shepherd. “Guns across the globe will be afraid to fire. They will no longer hurt and kill innocent people. They will be held accountable for their actions, and we may finally get some resolution to the problems of violence plaguing our nation.”

A hearing is set for this week in the Moneta County court system. If convicted, the gun could, ironically, face the death penalty.

Did Josh Duggar Have A Sexual Relationship With A Male Porn Star?

Posted on August 28, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Over the last several months, 19 Kids and Counting star Josh Duggar has become something of a household name, after it was revealed that when he was a teenager, he molested several girls, including his own sisters, causing TLC to completely cancel their show. Just recently it was also discovered that Duggar had been reportedly having affairs for years, holding not one but two separate accounts on the cheating website AshleyMadison, which had its servers hacked and customer base released to the internet some weeks ago.

Last week, a female porn star named Danica Dillon came forward, claiming that Duggar and she had had sex several times, and that Duggar was a violent sexual partner, “tossing her around like a ragdoll.” The internet star said that she hoped her coming forward would bring other people forward who were also having sex with Duggar, and it appears that the truth may be spilling out.

This morning, a male porn star, John Holmes, 38, came forward, claiming that he and Duggar had sex on multiple occasions, and that Duggar “enjoyed it immensely.”

“Seriously, the guy can’t get enough of me. We hooked up probably 3 or 4 times a week when I was shooting my movies in D.C.,” said Holmes. “To be honest, I don’t care that he was molesting his siblings or screwing every woman on the web. Whatever, that’s what I expect from someone born and raised in Arkansas, anyway. But I just can’t sit back and ignore the fact that he hasn’t called me in months, and that’s why I’m coming forward now.”

Duggar has already confessed that he suffers from a massive internet porn addiction, and has supposedly sought treatment for his sexual needs, referring to himself as a “hypocrite.”

“Of course he’s a hypocrite – he’s religious nut. If you’re that religious, you have to be a little bit off your rocker. Just works out that his rocker is screwing around on his wife,” said Holmes. “But seriously, the whole Duggar family is a little off. I mean, hello – condoms anyone? 19 kids? Get the fudge outta here with that shit. Seriously though, Josh, if you’re reading this…call me, baby! I miss that ass!”

Outed Millionaire Cheater Puts $5 Million Bounty On Ashley Madison Hacker

Posted on August 28, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

ONTARIO, Canada –

An anonymous millionaire in Ontario, Canada has posted a $5 million dollar bounty on the hackers who leaked sensitive information from the website AshleyMadison.com, a website dedicated to helping married men and women have discreet hook-ups and affairs.

The millionaire, who took out full page ads in the Ontario Free Press, The New York News, and the LA Gazette, said that he was an active member of the website and, although many people are currently suing the AshleyMadison website, he felt that there was a better way of “getting justice.”

“Just because I can’t keep it in my pants, doesn’t mean that I want the world to know about it,” read the full-spread ad, included in Friday’s edition. “My name is one of over 35 million active users, and I paid for a service that was supposed to keep my name OUT of the spotlight. I’ve made enough money in my life that I can and will cum anywhere I want, whenever I want, on whoever I want, and I will do it discreetly so that my wife doesn’t take half my money in the divorce. This leak of private information is a disgrace and an outrage.”

The ad went on to say that there was a $5 million dollar ‘bounty’ to the first person who could find the hackers, and release their names publicly.

“If they’re going to go ahead and release my name, and everyone’s name, then they should be known. Anonymous is bullshit! Unless, of course, you’re trying to get your rocks off without your wife knowing. Then anonymity is everything.”

So far, all 3 major newspapers have been inundated with calls and emails asking about the purchaser of the ad, but so far, they’ve actually been able to keep all information private.

New Disgusting Secrets Emerge from Jared Fogle’s Basement

Posted on August 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

The ongoing investigation of former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle continues to dredge up shocking new evidence, which promises to bring even more legal trouble for the extremely disgraced pitchman.

According to recently released FBI documents, police investigators found a false wall hidden in Fogle’s basement. Inside the secret room were hundreds of bags of Quizno’s sandwich wrappers. Most disturbingly, many of the wrappers were from Quizno’s kid’s meals.

While Subway did not have the foresight to include a clause in Fogle’s contract regarding statutory rape, they did have a clause that dictated Fogle’s eating habits, including that Subway be the only sandwich chain he was allowed to frequent. Lawyers for the sandwich giant will have cause of action for a lawsuit if they can prove Fogle was the one to buy the Quiznos sandwiches.

Attorney Abraham Bergen says after the settlements are granted to the underage victoms, Subway will likely seize any assets Fogle has left. “You could say Subway is the real victim in all of this,” said Bergen. “They spent years promoting their sandwiches with Fogle as the face of the company. No doubt they’ll be there to pick the bones and take whatever’s left. I’d advise them to move fast so there is something to take, but it’s a sensitive situation.”

Hackers Steal Vital iTunes User Info, Plan To Release Names of Nickleback Fans

Posted on August 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CUPERTINO, California –

A group of hackers that call themselves The Knights of Freedom have reportedly hacked into Apple’s iTunes database and stolen vital information about user purchases. The KoF say they plan on releasing the names, addresses, and emails of iTunes users who have purchased songs by the band Nickleback.

“These individuals have, indeed, been able to breach our secure systems to find the information they needed,” said Apple security manager Joe Dante. “They were not able to access any payment or credit card info, but we have learned that they did steal the names of those users who have a habit of buying or listening to Nickelback music. We apologize profusely for allowing this breach to occur, and we are praying for our users that these hackers never release their names.”

The KoF reportedly left a message on popular website Reddit, claiming responsibility.

“We know who you are, Nickelback fans. We have your names. We know your addresses. We will not be stopped. Confess your sins now, release the deep burden you carry inside. Tell your friends and your family what kind of monster you are. Let them know now, before we release this list publicly.”

“This is an outrage. Truly the worst thing to happen to me throughout my entire life,” said an anonymous iTunes user posting online as DemonJohn. “My wife, my kids…my damn parents. This is going to destroy my life worse than when my name was included in the Ashley Madison hack list.”

Apple reports that they have increased their systems to provide better security for users who purchase and listen to tasteless, generic music. Sources inside the company say that fans of other sub-par artists and internet punchlines, including Lil’ Wayne, Skrillex, and Kanye West, are still safe from ridicule and shame.

McDonald’s Gives In To Demands From Employees, Raises Their Wages To $15 Per Hour

Posted on August 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

OAK BROOK, Illinois –

For the last year, employees at major fast food restaurants, including McDonald’s and Burger King, have been protesting for higher wages, claiming that even the lowest paid employee should be making $15 an hour, almost double the Federal Minimum Wage, but closer to what they say is the “livable wage” they need to survive. Today, in an unprecedented showing of gratitude for its employees by a major corporation, McDonald’s has agreed to bump their minimum pay to the $15 USD an hour the workers wanted.

“The McDonald’s corporation would like to formally announce the new pay scale for our employees,” said Donald Thompson, CEO of McDonald’s. “From now on everyone in our restaurants will be paid the livable wage they were looking for.”

Thompson went on to say that the employees had ‘long been looking’ for this pay raise, and that he felt they ‘definitely deserved it.’

“We know that their jobs are really, really hard,” said Thompson. “They have to stand on their feet for sometimes 4 or 5 hours a day, and take orders from customers, flip burgers and throw down fries. They are forced to repeatedly make the same mediocre food over and over again, using almost completely automated cooking appliances. They even go home smelling like oil and grease sometimes. Can you imagine? Gross. It’s hard work they do for us, and that’s why we are changing the pay scales.”

Thompson said that it is not only a pay-raise for many employees, it’s a pay-cap that all of their management and higher-paid employees will have to deal with.

“The $15 an hour we’re merging to, than that is the top that anyone will make. From the janitors on up through the store managers, everyone will make the same $15 dollars an hour, in every one of our restaurants, all through the US.”

One store manager from Colorado, Aaron Silver, was furious over the news.

“I was making $21 an hour as the store manager, after working my way up from a cashier making $8 an hour,” said Silver. “I worked my ass off to get where I am, because I don’t have a great education, and couldn’t afford college. I started working for McD’s when I was a senior in high school, and it took me 7 years to get to management, and I was pretty happy in having made a career out of fast food. Now they’re going to lower my pay to $15, which will be the same as everyone else? What’s the point in even trying to work your way up the ladder if you’re never going to get anything out of it?”

Kenneth LaChance, a restaurant employee from Bangor, Maine, had completely different views on the new pay.

“I’ve only been with McDonald’s for about 6 weeks, but I am only making $8.25 an hour, and that’s just not enough money to live on,” said LaChance, who is a freshman in high school and lives with his parents. “I have to pay for my own cell phone and like, if I want to go to the movies with friends or something. What they’re paying is so low. I’m glad that I’ll be getting $15 an hour now. I deserve to be paid at least that. If not $20 an hour!”

Thompson has said that McDonald’s is standing by their decision, and anyone who doesn’t like it can ‘hit the bricks.’

“Now that we’re paying everyone $15 an hour, if you’re a manager who doesn’t like it, then I’m sure you can find a new job with Burger King,” said Thompson. “We’ll just bump up one of the kids in your store to take your spot. Easy-peasy.”

Thompson, who has been with McDonald’s for 2 years, makes roughly $9 million dollars as CEO. Broken down into a part-time salary of 25 hours, which is what most employees for McDonald’s are scheduled, Thompson makes approximately $7,000 an hour.

World’s Oldest Woman Gives Birth At 119-Years-Old

Posted on August 16, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JAMAICA PLAIN, Massachusetts –

Mrs. Josephine Smith, who officially turned 119-years-old on August 3rd, is the oldest woman in the world. Mrs. Smith, who attributes her longevity to Good ‘N’ Plenty Candy and regular bikini waxes, has something more to celebrate this year than just becoming a world record holder. This year, Mrs. Smith has actually become a dual-world record holder, as just two weeks after her birthday, she has given birth to a healthy baby boy.

“It was definitely the candies that helped me lived this long, but God knows what kept my uterus fertile all these years,” said Mrs. Smith. “It might have been all the pickles I ate in my teen years, or it might have been the fried chicken dinners my late husband made for my every Friday evening, without fail, for 62 years. I’m not really sure. Either way, I am so delighted to have given birth to my new son, Reginald.”

Mrs. Smith, who already has 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 16 great grandchildren, and 4 great-great grandchildren, is still very excited to welcome another bundle of joy into her life.

“I can’t hold him or anything, because of my brittle, arthritic hands, and I’ve already forgotten to feed him a few times because my mind isn’t what it used to be, but it’s very exciting.”

The father, 22-year-old Ricky Tedesco, said he was very excited to be a new dad.

“I’ve been in love with Mrs. Smith ever since I started mowing her lawn when I was 11,” said Tedesco. “It wasn’t until I was 19 that we began a romantic relationship. I went from mowing her lawn to plowing her field, if you know what I mean. She’s excellent in bed, too, given her age. Did you know she once gave a reach-around to Fatty Arbuckle? She’s been around for ages! It’s so crazy to think that she is the mother of my child. I’m so happy.”

The couple will reportedly live separately, as Mrs. Smith currently resides in the Shady Pines Nursing Home in Jamaica Plain, and Tedesco still lives in his family’s basement.

Pope Francis Announces Presidential Run in 2016

Posted on August 16, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

VATICAN, Rome –

Pope Francis, who is known for ardently following United States politics, has said that he has decided to throw his Mitre in the presidential ring, stating that he “didn’t see a worthwhile” candidate, and felt he could do a better job.

“Popes have been running the Catholic Church, as well as Vatican City, for longer than anyone could possibly remember,” said the Pope in a prepared statement. “I have done so many good things for our religion since I took a seat as the Pontiff, and now I want to step away from just religion, and plan to run for President of the United States in 2016.”

Catholics around the globe say that this current Pope would make a fine Commander In Chief, and that his stern political leanings wouldn’t cause any problems when running the country.

“Frankly, the United States has had 43 purported Christians as leaders of the free world, and not a single one of them knew a thing about the Lord,” said Cardinal Joseph, of Rome. “His Holiness is a real man of the cloth, a real leader, and could bring back the spirituality that the United States has long since forgotten about.”

In recent polls, Americans seem to be favoring two current candidates, Bernie Sanders, an Independent, and – unbelievably – Donald Trump, a bag of Hot Air.

“I honestly believe that both of those men are decent people. Well, at least Mr. Sanders is,” said the Pope. “But frankly, neither man knows anything about leading, and neither man knows anything about One Nation Under God. With me as president, we can make this One World Under God, and that’s what the American People need. See you in 2016.”

With the Catholic Church and the Vatican being worth an estimated $15 billion dollars, political analysts are saying that Pope Francis may very well have this election in the bag.

KKK To Add New Chapter For African-Americans

Posted on July 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MOBILE, Alabama –

In what many bigots are calling “disgusting” and “unbelievable,” the Ku Klux Klan has announced today that they will be starting a new chapter for African-Americans, with hopes that they can “branch out” to people who might not have previously thought of the Klan as a go-to club.

“It’s about time that us whites in the Klan opened our arms to our nigger brothers,” said Grand Wizard Joseph Smith. “Over the years our numbers have dwindled to the point of near-joke levels. Even those skinheads and neo-Nazi guys have more members than we do, and that’s just not right.”

Grand Wizard Smith says that if they get enough “negroes” to join up, they may also expand their membership to “spics and Jews,” too.

“Everyone deserves an opportunity to join one of the oldest, least-respected organizations in the United States,” said Smith. “We only hope that them blacks can overcome their pre-conceived notions of who we are, and come see for themselves. To celebrate, on August 1st we are having a big ol’ barbeque, with plenty of fried chicken, watermelon, and grape Kool-Aid to welcome our black brothers.”