The Secret To How ISIS Is Gaining Support And Funds From Around The Globe

Posted on October 9, 2014 by Rab

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Lead investigators from the Department of Defense have finally straightened out how exactly terrorist group ISIS is getting most of their money.

“It’s amazing to me, that this day and age, this idea didn’t occur to us before scraping the bottom of the barrel,” said DOD Defense Secretary Robert Gates. “As it turns out, this militant group are using self-made crowd funding websites to create and distribute their propaganda, and raise funds to continue their reign of terror. They seek support via the internet from regions they know will listen and back their ideals, and then provide links to their internet pages to those areas. They have secretly amassed billions of dollars for weapons, research and development – and lately most has been related to destroying the ‘American Pigs’, who they say should ‘never have gotten involved in their business.'”

With the Pentagon learning of the ISIS crowd funding sources, the Department of Defense has been in a panic. “They are doing crazy things on these sites,” Says Gates. “Just like Kickstarter and most other crowd funding sites, ISIS is offering perks for donations of different levels. The perks start small; ISIS t-shirts and ‘I SUPPORT ISIS’ bumper stickers, but the bigger the donation, the more horrific the perk, including specified bombings and attacks if you donate $250,000 or more. Their end goal is to get enough money to purchase rockets capable of oceanic flight. We are currently looking into which country they may purchase from once they reach their goal.”

After acquiring all of this information, the DOD has now launched a task force whose sole purpose is finding these crowd funding sites and taking them down permanently. “While it doesn’t erase the problem, it definitely puts a damper on their plans,” Says Gates. “We’re actually reaching out to members of Anonymous to help us, which is something I never thought I’d have to say out loud. At this point in time, though, better to help fight a foreign enemy with, essentially, a domestic enemy, than to not fight at all. I just hope we can eradicate the problem before they discover what kinds of support they could gain by creating a Facebook group.”

McDonald’s To Compete With Weight Watchers With New ‘Weight Loss Menu’

Posted on October 9, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

OAK BROOK, Illinois –

President and CEO of McDonald’s Don Thompson issued a statement today regarding the company’s decision to ‘stop making people fatter and start making them skinny.’

“Many of you are familiar with what Weight Watchers does by counting calories, and how it usually doesn’t do much good. Well, McDonald’s is excited to announce that beginning in 2015, we will be offering a menu of weight loss foods, which will be regular popular items such as the Big Mac and double cheeseburger, but will contain a scientifically proven secret ingredient which will cause you to shed pounds without having to exercise,” Thompson told members of the Associated Press.

Over the past several years, McDonald’s has been scrutinized and widely accused of providing its customers with extremely unhealthy foods and – due to their popularity and cost efficient menu items – making Americans fat. The company will reveal the new menu sometime in January. No details on available products were announced.

Thompson did tell the media that he believes the new menu will be so popular that the company will probably need to open a considerable amount of new locations.

“Everyone will be eating at McDonald’s, other fast food chains will close, and more and more McDonald’s locations will take their place. There are so many fat people in America that the plan is fool-proof. People are too lazy to exercise, so they want a way to lose weight without putting in any work, and we have the means to provide that,” stated Thompson. “It has taken our McDonald’s scientists years to develop our new secret ingredient, but come January, the world will get to see it in action.”

McDonald’s restaurants are found in 118 countries and territories around the world and serve 68 million customers each day. McDonald’s operates over 35,000 restaurants worldwide, employing more than 1.7 million people. With the new special ingredient, it is very well possible that these numbers could double and go beyond.

The news is most certainly exciting for the millions of overweight McDonald’s fans across not only the United States, but the world.

CDC: Viewing Of Lunar Eclipse ‘Blood Moon’ Could Cause Contraction of Rare Disease

Posted on October 8, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

On Wednesday morning, most of North America was privy to a viewing of a lunar eclipse ‘blood moon,’ the reddish hue from a sunset or sunrise that reflects onto the moon’s surface during a full lunar eclipse. When this happens, the moon will appear bright orange or red.

Although normally harmless to gaze at the moon, scientists have warned that anyone who may have witnessed the lunar eclipse ‘blood moon’ may have been hit with powerful, harmful doses of radiation, which they say is the equivalent of thousands of X-rays happening all at once.

“Everyone knows that the sun can be harmful to you, whether that means overexposure or staring directly at it,” said Dr. Marvin Lee, of the Center for Disease Control in Washington. “What many people don’t realize is that the sun also emits a fair amount of radiation that your body absorbs. Over time it could be dangerous, but in small doses it’s okay. During a lunar eclipse, though, when the sun is reflecting off a full moon, causing the ‘blood moon’ effect in early morning or early dusk, the powerful rays of the radiated sun become intensified, almost as if the moon is being used as a magnifying glass to point its harmful radiation directly into you.”

Dr. Lee says that most people won’t notice any side effects of the eclipse right away, but it’s possible that they may start to get violently ill over the next few days and weeks.

“It’s not entirely uncommon for people who’ve been exposed to these ‘moon rays’ to develop lycanthropy,” said Dr. Lee. “Lycanthropy usually will have an on-set once a month during each full moon, and generally will last for the rest of the infected person’s life. Symptoms include elongating of fingernails and teeth, rapid hair growth, and extreme rage and violence. At this time, there is no known cure for lycanthropy, and the contraction via lunar eclipse is new to us. Previously, the only way thought to contract the disease was through survival of a bite or scratch from another person infected with lycanthropy, so this is difficult science we are dealing with.”

Dr. Lee and the CDC say that anyone who may have been awake during the hour of the blood moon, and viewed it directly, should wait to see if symptoms develop before contacting their physician.

“They can’t tell if you’ve got Lycanthropy until the ‘claws come out,’ as it were,” said Dr. Lee. “If you think you may have contracted this disease from viewing of the eclipse, please seek professional help as soon as possible.”

Florida Woman Sells Eye For $100 Cash

Posted on October 8, 2014 by kellybr

MIAMI, Florida –

Unemployed single mother Mary Sampson, 30, who was in desperate need of grocery money to feed her six children, was recently presented with a unique business opportunity.

“It’s embarrassing, but I was out panhandling for the first time in my life, and not doing well at all, when I was approached by two large Russian men who said they had a business opportunity for me,” said Sampson.

According to her account, after several minutes of hesitation, Sampson got into a van with the Russian men, and was driven to a warehouse. The ‘business opportunity’ that they presented was an offer to buy her left eye for the sum of $50.

“At first I was like not only ‘no,’ but ‘hell no!’” Sampson said. “But they [the Russians] made me feel guilty. They said my eye would go to an elderly woman, blind from birth, who only had six months to live. She desperately wanted to see before she died, even if it were only through one eye. I spent the longest ten minutes of my life trying to decide if I should sell it or not.”

Sampson finally agreed to help the blind woman, but needed more than fifty dollars for the groceries she was planning to purchase. Sampson said asking for more money led to a somewhat intense back and forth negotiation with the Russians until both parties finally settled on one hundred dollars cash.

“At first they wanted to write me a check, but I’m not stupid. Even though they seemed sorta nice, they might have tried to write a bad check. I’ve had people write me bad checks before. I told them I’m a cash only girl,” said Sampson.

The Russians had their own doctor extract the eye in a medical room they had conveniently setup inside the warehouse, and Sampson was dropped back at her panhandling spot the next day.

Sampson said she’s now adjusting ‘okay’ to life with one eye, minus a couple of infections, but was just glad she could buy groceries for her children.

“Plus, I got to make an old woman somewhere very happy by giving her the gift of limited vision,” said Sampson, proudly.

New Hampshire Town Bans Halloween, Makes Trick-or-Treating Illegal

Posted on October 8, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LIVERMORE, New Hampshire –

Livermore, a small town in Grafton County, New Hampshire, has become national news today after town residents have voted to not only ban Halloween activities from their schools, but also to make the act of trick-or-treating illegal. The beloved activity for many children, held annually on October 31st, was officially made a misdemeanor within town limits on Wednesday.

Town mayor Bob Appel explained the decision to the press early Wednesday morning, saying that banning candy and Halloween from within the schools was ‘not enough’ to keep their children safe from ‘mental harm.’

“Halloween is a dangerous holiday, filled with Satan, Pagan rituals, and dirty, filthy mischievous acts,” said Appel. “For many years, children of this town were allowed to participate in Halloween parties at school, but with those parties the ghosts, goblins, demons, and other evil spirits that all go against the Bible. The younger kids were frightened, and the older kids wanted to know all about Halloween, and its sinister, anti-Christian beginnings.”

The town voted to ban Halloween parties from schools and other public establishments in 2005. This year, though, will mark the first time that trick-or-treating will be completely abolished within town limits.

“Anyone caught trick-or-treating, or any homes that try to give out candy, will be ticketed with solicitation charges, a misdemeanor,” said Appel. “For entertainment, children should sit at home and study the Bible, or work on school projects. Halloween is an unholy night that I, personally, am glad to have had a hand in stopping in our little town.”

“I hated that on Halloween, I almost felt obligated to give out candy, lest I be tricked with rolls of T.P in my trees,” said Margaret Hamilton, a resident in Livermore. “This year I can finally relax in peace, with no little hooligans to bother me. I’d rather just keep my children home than have them out there with others who could be expressing themselves dangerously through costume and satan worship.”

“Personally, I think it’s bulls—,” said Cassandra Peterson, mother of 3 boys in Livermore public schools. “I love Halloween, and so do my boys. We all loved dressing up, watching scary movies, and going out for candy. Hell, we’re not even Christian. I guess we’ll head over a town or two and trick-or-treat there. They can’t ban it everywhere.”

“Just add Livermore to the top of the list of safe, Halloween-free towns,” said Appel. “You’ll never find poison candy or a razor blade in an apple here like you do in those other towns, that’s for sure.”

Nutritional Study Reveals That Drinking Apple Juice Increases Penis Size

Posted on October 7, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

In an extensive two-year scientific nutritional study conducted at Boston University, a group of experts in nutritionally based health improvement breakthroughs, known internationally for their past nutritional scientific discoveries and award-winning accomplishments, claim that their research has proved conclusively that drinking a half-gallon or more of apple juice a day, will, surprisingly increase penile size over time.

Health experts and dietitians say that the precise, detail-oriented, and incredibly well orchestrated study, which had over 30 medical professionals working diligently to monitor the process of natural male enhancement and measuring the results meticulously in a very ‘hands-on’ manner, may very well be the most significant nutritionally based study conducted in the past twenty years worldwide, and for obvious reasons.

Nutritional Science and Engineering professor, Dr. Ismael Untobo, along with his team, constructed the detailed article titled ‘Apple Juice and The Secret of The Male Sexual Organ’ in the October issue of the prestigious North American Nutritional Journal Monthly. Their research revealed that consuming large amounts of 100% real, natural apple juice several times daily is the only proven way known to date, excluding surgery, that is likely to significantly increase penis size.

According to Dr. Untobo’s extensive report, 50 male subjects were monitored on a daily basis during the entire two-year study, and each participant consumed at least a half-gallon of natural apple juice. Once a month, members of the research team gently massaged the men’s private areas with oil until fully erect. This was done to gain the most efficient and scientifically dependable measurements of both length and girth. The results have proven to be quite explosive for the average sized male desperately wanting to offer their sex partners a little something extra.

“No specific nutrient in the apple generates the increases, it is the coexistence and the chemistry of how the nutrients are uniquely constructed within one another’s supplemental DNA, if you will,” Untobo explained. “We tried all different types of juices over the full 10-year study, but it was only within the last 2 years that we discovered that apple juice was the key. Even I’ve taken to drinking several glasses a day. My wife is very happy.”

Within the first six months, Dr. Untobo says his research team at Boston University began to see astounding results in not only penile length, but also in girth as well.

“Six months into the study the average erect penile length of our group increased from 5.75 inches to 6.25 inches, while erect penile circumference increased from 3.8 inches to 5.3 inches. Production of semen increased slightly as well, but intensity of orgasm went off the charts during monthly evaluations,” said Untobo. “It became overwhelmingly obvious that semen production increased very rapidly along with leg-shaking, intense, full-body orgasms. Obviously our test subjects were very pleased with their personal growth and newly discovered, unprecedented orgasms. I guess one could say, the juice gives you more juice, and more juice keeps a smile on your face,” said Dr. Untobo.

Dr. Untobo added that the makers of 100% real apple juice should significantly improve in worldwide sales over the course of the next couple years. “As the results and proof of these studies spread, I would be surprised if the supplement companies do not cash in by converting apples into a pill form. It can be done, and to the best of my educated knowledge, such a supplement is not currently sold over the counter, but they will be,” Dr. Untobo concluded.

According to Untobo, now that he has finished his study with the hopes that his research will help many men gain the confidence they were looking for when it comes to the size of their members, he has begun leading a team of female colleagues and participants in a study to determine whether or not the size really matters, anyway.

Blake Griffin Smacks Justin Bieber At Hollywood Starbucks

Posted on October 5, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

WEST HOLLYWOOD, California –

Justin Bieber simply can’t seem to keep himself out of trouble.

Police were dispatched this morning to respond to an altercation at a Starbucks in West Hollywood involving some familiar faces. According to police reports, a barista at the coffee-house was apparently confronted by Bieber when he refused to serve the pop star because Bieber wasn’t wearing a shirt.

“He came in with no shirt on, and his pants hanging down and underwear showing. He tried to order a caramel apple macchiato,” said Joey Goldsmith, the Starbucks barista. “I know that it’s Hollywood, and we get some crazy looking folks in here. Celebrities, too. They all wear shirts, though. I simply informed Bieber that our store policy stated he would have to put a shirt on if he wanted to order. Everyone else in the place had a shirt on. Why the hell doesn’t Bieber ever have a shirt on, anyway?”

Customers in the coffee-house say that Bieber snapped, and according to the police report, started swearing at and threatening Goldsmith, saying that he would get his bodyguard to ‘kick [Goldsmith’s] ass’ and to just ‘give [me] a f—— macchiato.”

Fortunately for Goldsmith, LA Clippers star Blake Griffin, who had been enjoying a drink at a nearby table and was witness to the altercation, decided to step in.

Patrons and employees at the scene reported that Griffin tried to calm Bieber down by simply talking to him, but that he wasn’t listening, apparently not even aware of who Griffin was, and mistakenly thinking he was fully protected by his bodyguards and friends. There was more yelling, and Bieber ended up pushing Griffin, telling him to ‘back off.’ Many people in the Starbucks commented, barely able to stifle their laughter, that after Bieber started shoving Griffin is when he smacked Bieber in the face, knocking him to the floor.

“He smacked the s— out of him, and Bieber went down like a sack of moldy tangerines,” said one witness. “Before anyone could think to whip out their cell phones and film it for YouTube, Justin’s entourage scooped him up and helped him stumble out of the door. I think he was crying. They threw a sweatshirt or something on him and literally stuffed him into the back of a car. It was kind of sad and pathetic, just like his music.”

Bieber was gone before police arrived at the scene, and no charges were brought against Griffin. His Starbucks coffee was on the house.

USDA Warning: Gluten-Free Diets Cause Cancer

Posted on October 4, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A joint statement released today from the USDA and the FDA discusses new information, based on several years of research, that proves that a gluten-free diet, done solely on a pretentious, bandwagon-style mentality, will give you cancer.

Researchers and medical staff at the Wyatt Institute in Clearwater, Michigan say that they have been working on the effects of a gluten-free diet on people who do not have Celiac Disease or other wheat and gluten allergies. According to reports, their discovery was ‘surprising.’

“We’ve known for many, many years that persons with Celiac Disease should have a gluten-free or extremely low-gluten diet,” said Dr. Marvin Sheer, of the Wyatt Institute. “Those people need to eat a special diet so as not to become extremely ill. Over the last few years, though, many people are jumping onto a ‘gluten-free’ diet bandwagon, because for some strange reason they think that gluten is bad for them. It’s not, by the way. Plus, it’s part of nearly everything that you eat.”

Gluten is a substance present in cereal grains, especially wheat, that is responsible for the elastic texture of dough. It is found, in one shape or form, in everything from cereals to sliced bread, pastas, and even crackers.

“What our study concluded is that these people, who just decided to go ‘gluten-free’ because it’s the fad, or because they think it will help them lose weight, are not getting enough gluten in their diets. This, by the way, can already be an unhealthy option. But heck, wouldn’t you know it, we discovered that it also gives these people cancer – brain cancer, to be precise,” said Sheer.

“What happens is, these people, they stop eating gluten, because it’s the ‘cool’ thing to do. It’s hip. They read about going ‘gluten-free’ on Facebook, and they have to try it. After all, their friend Jeanne lost 2 pounds going gluten-free,” said Professor Charles DeWitt. “These poor people, though, when they go gluten-free just because everyone else is, they forget to use their brains, and the less you use your brain, the more likely you are to develop a cancer in it. If you’ve been gluten-free for more than 15 minutes, and you don’t have Celiac Disease, chances are you are on your way to having brain cancer as we speak.”

Dr. Sheer says that people with Celiac Disease have nothing to worry about, though.

“If you have an actual, medical reason that you should stay away from gluten, keep doing it. Our research shows that in your case, you are using your brain by following sound medical advice,” said Sheer. “If anything, not eating the gluten might make your brain more powerful. We’re still working on that study, though.”

Sheer suggests that anyone who is currently on a gluten-free diet unnecessarily to stop immediately, and to just ‘eat your damn food like a normal person’, especially if you’re out at a restaurant.

“You’ll make every waitress, cook, and other restaurant employees happier if you do, because I’ll just tell you this right now – it’s 100% impossible for a restaurant to cook you a gluten-free meal. Don’t be pretentious. Order that fried chicken, and enjoy. And don’t forget to tip!”

Osama bin Laden Found Alive In Pennsylvania Amish Community

Posted on October 3, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LANCASTER COUNTY, Pennsylvania –

Spokesperson Mikal Anaba of the National Security Agency has confirmed that Osama bin Laden was not killed by Seal Team Six as originally thought, as has been found living in an Amish community located in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

“We have been following leads for the past several months based on the belief that Osama bin Laden was alive and well, and living in the United States. After several tips about a man toting around a ‘machine’ in an Amish community in Pennsylvania, a thorough investigation revealed that this was indeed bin Laden, and the machine in question was a dialysis machine,” Anaba told the Associated Press early this morning.

From 2001 to 2011, bin Laden was the prime target of the United States’ war on terror. The Federal Bureau of Investigation put a $25 million bounty on bin Laden as ‘America’s Most Wanted’ killer. On May 2, 2011, it had been believed that bin Laden was shot and killed inside his private residence in Abbottabad, Pakistan by members of the United States Naval Special Warfare Development Group in a covert operation ordered by United States President Barack Obama.

Spokesperson Anaba did not reveal where bin Laden was being held currently, but insisted that ‘swift action’ would be taken, and the mastermind terrorist would be dealt with immediately.

“He will be handled in a timely manner, as soon as it is declared that he can not or will not provide any useful information on the current state of terrorism,” Anaba stated.

Many Americans had been feeling that bin Laden may be alive after the so-called raid and shooting had taken place in 2011, and no photographic or video proof has surfaced to prove that he was, indeed, deceased. When asked whether there would be evidence to prove to the American people that this was indeed Osama bin Laden, Anaba told the press, “I promise to you that we have Osama bin Laden in custody, this is strictly an operation of the United States government and it will be handled within our own walls.”

“Can we provide proof? Of course we can,” continued Anaba. “We can always provide proof when we need to. Will we provide proof? It is not our job to decide. That will be up to President Obama and his administration. Until then, I can only confirm that Osama bin Laden is in the custody of the United States government and that he will be handled and dealt with a very swift manner of action.”

Speculation of bin Laden’s acquaintance to the terror group known as ISIS has been considered since it was discovered he was living in the United States, however Anaba denied to comment on the matter.

“I cannot confirm nor deny that we may or may not believe ISIS is connected with Osama bin Laden. This issue will not be addressed in a public manner at this time,” Anaba added. “To be quite honest, you’re all lucky we’re even telling you that we found him in the first place. This whole thing could have been really hush-hush, and you’d all just assume he’d been dead since 2011. Next time you think your government is hiding secrets from you, remember this situation and know that – okay, yeah, we keep things from you all the time. Never mind.”

MLB Rule Changes Allows Players To Hold Bat While Running Bases

Posted on October 2, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

During a press conference this morning, commissioner of Major League Baseball Bud Selig announced another major change to the rules of play in professional baseball. This new announcement comes only a few months after the change to the home-plate collision rule, which makes it against the rules for catchers to block the path of a base-runner sliding into home plate.

The new rule, as Selig explained it, will allow all players to carry their bats with them to each base as they run. The change is being made to further the excitement among fans as players inevitably slide into bases and “accidentally” beat the hell out of the baseman.

“It’s a great change for all players, but it’s an even better change for people watching at home and in the stands. We know those 9 innings can sometimes be a nightmare where nothing at all happens. It’s even worse if the games go long. This change will make every base hit a nail-biter!” Said Selig.

Selig, who has been commissioner of baseball since 1992, reportedly came up with the idea while watching the 1990 film Problem Child starring John Ritter. In the film, a man adopts an unruly child, who in one scene hits a ground ball and immediately runs to each base while holding the bat, clubbing the other kids at each base as he goes.

“I saw that scene and I laughed so hard, and I knew that the fans of MLB would laugh, too. Every time Mark Teixeira takes a nut-shot with a Louisville Slugger they’ll hoot and holler. The rule had to happen,” said Selig.

Selig said he also thought of changing the name of the “home-run” to a “touchdown,” which is what the boy from Problem Child began chanting after making it around the bases in the film. “I knew that the NFL would never allow us to steal their phrase, though,” said Selig. There is no word whether this new rule supersedes the recent home-plate collision rule.

Players are apparently divided on the new rule, with some actually talking about quitting the game all together.

“I never wanted to have to worry about getting smacked in the jimmies with a baseball bat,” said Derek Jeter, former shortstop for the New York Yankees. “It was bad enough that I had to worry about balls flying at my face while I was on the field. I guess I got out at just the right time.”

David Ortiz, DH for the Boston Red Sox, said he is glad that he will be able to carry the bat with him as he rounds the bases.

“I am a big man, I know that,” said Ortiz. “I already carry a presence on the field. Now I can carry a Louisville Slugger, too. No one will mess with Big Papi now.”

Neither Selig nor any representative for MLB could be reached for further comment.