Family Sues Fortune Cookie Manufacturer After Finding Filthy Fortunes

CARMEL, New York – Family Sues Fortune Cookie Manufacturer After Finding Filthy Fortunes

A fun family trip quickly turned into a nasty nightmare for the Bryant family of upstate Carmel, New York, after several lewd “novelty” fortune cookies were mistakenly placed on their table.

Joy and Matt Bryant planned a day of fun for Joy’s parents, Eloise and Earl, and for their 6-year-old daughter, Angela.

“It was Mum and Dad’s anniversary.  They really wanted to visit the Guggenheim [Museum].  Mom studied art way back when, and said she practically used to live there.”

“So this man was handing out restaurant coupons,” said Earl.  “It was for a Chinese place, and you really can’t get halfway decent Chinese up by us, so I took one.  We go down the street and the place looked nice, so in we went!”

“The food and the service were good,” he added.

“I had the orange chicken!” said Angela.  “And then I needed another fortune cookie because I dropped my fortune cookie on the floor.  It said ‘You will have a surprise very soon.’”

The fortune proved to be chillingly accurate.

Waiter Eddie Tan explained what happened next.

“The girl was upset because she dropped her cookie, so I go back and grab a handful and put them on her plate, and she was very happy.  I go back to the kitchen and the mother screams and the father yells ‘Where’s the boss?  Where’s the boss?’”

Tan had mistakenly taken a handful of “adult” novelty fortunes meant only for the staff to see.  The smutty fortunes were brought in earlier as a ‘gag’ gift to celebrate a co-worker’s birthday.

Joy explained, “My 6-year-old turns to me and asks, ‘Mommy, what’s a r–job?  It says ‘Tonight you will get a r–job.’  Well, I screamed out loud and my husband told my daughter never to say that word again.  Then we read the rest of them.”

“The next one said, ‘You will eat some p—- tonight,’” she continued.  “And the one after that said ‘You need to get a rusty trombone.’ I was horrified!  At church we got a pamphlet with every dirty word you can think of to teach your children not to say – that’s how I knew what every word meant,” she quickly explained.

Joy’s father didn’t understand what all the fuss was about.

“Matt was getting the manager,” said Earl, “so I took a look at the other ones and they sounded okay to me.  I don’t know what an ‘Angry Dragon’ is, but I figured it was something about the Chinese New Year.  I know what a ‘piledriver’ is because I used to do that all the time with my guys.”  Earl is a retired telephone company foreman.

“Another one said ‘Do you like hobknocking?’ Maybe I do.  Beats me.  The last one I read said ‘Give me a blumpkin!’ That sounded like a fancy dessert, and since we only got the orange slices and fortune cookies, I really wanted to get a blumpkin!  Then the waiter took them away.”

“I raised Holy Hell!” Said Matt. “The waiter explained what happened and said they wouldn’t charge us for lunch, like that was going to make everything all right!  I told him I was going to sue them and the fortune cookie company for emotional distress.  Joy still cries about how they ruined her parents’ anniversary.  She was crying and we never even made it to the museum!  We were so upset, we let Angela go stay with her grandparents for a few days. We both just stayed at home…In bed. Er, reading our Bibles. Yeah, our Bibles. That’s it.”

The case of Bryant v. Hung’s is expected to be settled out of court.

Tiger Woods To Announce Retirement From PGA Tour To Focus On Miniature Golf Career

JUPITER ISLAND, Florida – Tiger Woods Rumored To Announce Retirement From PGA Tour To Focus On Miniature Golf Career

Earlier today golf legend, sports insider, and course designer Jack Nicklaus revealed to Empire News that after a long discussion with Tiger Woods, Woods told Nicklaus that he was 95% certain that he would retire from the Professional Golf Association (PGA) Tour to pursue a professional career in what he called his number-one passion – miniature golf.

“I thought he was joking at first, then he started rambling about how mini-golf is what made him fall in love with golf as a child,  he said it was all about fun back then. Then he started rambling off about all these international miniature golf tournaments and the his ideas about joining the U.S. Pro Mini-Golf Association,” Nicklaus said.

Woods, the number one PGA player during 2013, has had a dismal fall in rankings while being plagued by chronic back pain, and currently is ranked as the 201st best player in the world. In his seven 2014 PGA starts he has placed in the top 25 only once.

Nicklaus, a longtime friend, mentor, and critic of Woods went on to say that Tiger insisted he was not leaning toward retirement because of the back injury.

“He told me that he knows if he truly wanted to, he could come back and be one of the top players in 2015, but it just isn’t fun to him anymore, not like mini-golf. He insisted that putt-putt has always been his passion, but while under constant pressure from all of his endorsements, he simply could not pursue a professional career. Now he knows what he wants and he is going for it,” Nicklaus added.

Empire News contacted USPMGA President Ballard Little, and he would neither confirm nor deny rumors that Tiger Woods will be joining the mini-golf circuit. “I can tell you that Tiger is a great friend of mine, and we have burned up the mini-links together several times, but I am in no position to make an announcement at this time. I will say that on a personal and professional level, he would be great for the sport and it would surely gain in popularity tremendously throughout the entire United States, and even the world over, if he were to begin seriously competing. And that is all I will say about that!” Little said with a hint of bottled up excitement.

Woods has 79 PGA tour wins in a career spanning from 1992 to 2014, and has accumulated over $109 million dollars in earned winnings. Quite the résumé for a budding pro mini-golf superstar.

When Nicklaus was asked when Woods would go public with the news, he said, “I assume he’s just waiting for the right time. I suspect that he is holding off until the mini-golf related endorsement deals to be worked out. Personally, I think he will make it official before the holidays.”

Reportedly, Woods is seeking endorsement deals from Tacki-mac, the leading manufacturer of mini-golf clubs and grips, as well as Toys ‘R’ Us and Pirates Cove Adventure Golf.

 

Dennis Rodman Claims He Was Abducted By Aliens Twice During NBA Career

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – Dennis Rodman Claims He Was Abducted By Aliens On Two Separate Occasions

Controversial ex-NBA star Dennis Rodman said in a radio interview on Louisville sports station WKRD 790 AM that he was abducted by aliens twice during his NBA career. While on the road promoting his soon-to-be-released biography, The Constant Rebound, Rodman, for the first time, spoke about being abducted by aliens.

“I was playing for the Spurs in 1993 and I was abducted by aliens two different times during the off-season,” Rodman said casually while being asked about his antics on and off the court. Thinking that Rodman was joking, sports talk show host Tony ‘Birdman’ Griffith immediately laughed during the live interview. “No, I’m completely serious, and for the first time ever, I am coming forward and announcing it. I have been dealing with it for years and there are others out there afraid to say anything, so on their behalf I wish to come forward,” Rodman said adamantly. “The world noticed a drastic change in my behavior when I was a player, and later on when I tried my hand at acting – which I sincerely apologize for, by the way – and it’s high-time I admit that my behavior was a direct result of my alien abductions.”

Griffith then apologized for laughing, and commented by saying, “Oh my God, you are serious, I’m so sorry. So how did this affect your basketball career?”

“They did something to me, and I don’t mean via anal probes necessarily, and it actually seemed to help my game and opened my mind as a human being. I was scared to death when it happened, and I still have dreams about it every night, but I honestly think [the aliens] are here to help us. The problem is that the people who are abducted have a hard time understanding and coping with it, most keep it a secret. I kept it a secret because I was afraid people would think I was, ironically enough, crazy,” Rodman said.

Rodman went on to say the alien abductions are brought up in detail in the book, which has not yet been released. “This is only my second interview promoting the book, I figured I need to get that off my chest sooner rather than later. My book will be released sometime in January. My agent figured that we should get a jump on promotion, he knew I was nervous about what people would think of me,” Rodman told Griffith.  “If you get my book when it comes out, you will read all about it, we don’t have enough time to get into it anymore today. My time in North Korea was related to the abductions, but I am not prepared to talk about that right now. So don’t ask,” Rodman added, referring to his bizarre trips to North Korea to meet with leader Kim Jong-un.

Griffith immediately went on to change the subject of North Korea and asked Rodman about the three championships he won with the Chicago Bulls from 1995-1998. “So you are in Chicago playing with Jordan and Pippen with Phil Jackson as your coach, what was that like? What was the team chemistry like on that team during the three-peat run?” Griffith asked.

“It was the only time in my career that I felt like I was understood. Phil Jackson knew how my mind worked and got the best out of me. He was more of a friend than a coach. It was great playing with all those guys, something that will stay with me the rest of my life,” Rodman replied.

The official release date of the book has not been set, however it is expected to hit bookshelves sometime in January.

 

 

Novelty Parakeet Maker Sued After Cat Ingests Realistic Plastic Toy

FAIRFIELD, New Jersey – Novelty Parakeet Maker Sued After Cat Ingests Realistic Plastic Toy

Have you seen the commercial for the ‘perfect’ pet?  It’s not a dog, it’s not a goldfish – it’s not even living!  It’s ‘Pretty Much Polly,’ the plastic parakeet that can ‘provide hours of fun, just like the real thing!’

Polly’s colors are vibrant.  From a distance, you’d never be able to tell the difference between an actual bird and a mass-produced extruded glob of spray-painted plastic, popped out of a mold in far away China, shipped to America to satisfy the gaping maws of hungry toy consumers, begging for the latest electronic plaything.

Even cats want to get their paws on Polly.  Sadly, one curious kitten did just that, and Pretty Much Polly turned out not to be the perfect Polly toy for the small kitty.

TeleToy Corporation INC., distributor of Pretty Much Polly, has been named as defendant in a lawsuit filed by Edna Wannamaacher on behalf of Mittens Wannamaacher.  Lawyers and insiders are saying that the case, Mittens Wannamaacher v. TeleToy INC., could be a game-changer.

“Mittens was my newest best friend,” said self-described “cat lady” Edna Wannamaacher during the trial.  “He followed me everywhere.  One day, I was pouring foundation for that new development over by Harbor Road and Mittens kind of adopted me.  Next thing I knew, he was my newest roommate!  He followed me home.  I don’t know what he saw in me, but I guess he knew he’d feel at home.”

“Cats are inherently curious, we all know that,” said Allison Sandy, counsel for TeleToy, “and in this case, Mittens’ curiosity indeed did kill her, just as the biblical parable says. ‘Polly Wannamaacher’, as she called the toy, and TeleToys, should in no way be held liable for the unfortunate accident that took place.  We are not responsible for any damages.”

“Objection, your honor,” shouted Edna’s nephew, Dewey Wannamaacher, during closing arguments.  When Dewey was reminded that he was not an attorney and that closing arguments can not be interrupted, he begged for the court’s mercy, asking that his statement be heard and entered into the record.  The request was granted over Sandy’s objections.

“My aunt is not a crazy cat lady.  She does not train her cats to use the toilet like some nuts. In fact, she has opted herself to just use clumping litter along with her friends instead.  A lot of  slanderous things have been said about her in court today.  Yes, she once took a selfie for Cat Fancy magazine, showing her eating from a bowl of Meow Mix with a slew of cats, but it was just for fun. Sadly, that photograph has now come to haunt our family nine-times over.  It’s on the Internet, and…well, people can be so cruel. By my aunt is a wonderful person, and this case should not be about her life, but rather the life, and death, of Mittens Wannamaacher.”

“Millions of toy makers and yarn manufacturers could face loss of livelihoods,” countered Sandy.  “Even the entire string industry could be wiped out over a case like this. Is that fair?  I think not.  We all love cats, yes, but also — members of the jury — I implore you — also think of the sheep. There’s more at stake here than just the future of one toy line. It’s the future of the entire cat industry! This could set a precedent that could potentially wipe out laser pointers and catnip manufacturers as well.”

“Oh, I’d hate to put people out of work,” said Edna, as the jury deliberated for a second day.  “A lot of my friends work with toys and string.  But what about Mittens?  Who is going to speak for her?  She was just following her natural instincts and look where she ended up?  Dead and under the recliner, that’s where.  Mittens would have been better off left in that construction lot, looking back on it.”

Unofficial reports have surfaced hinting that the jury may be deadlocked.

“I took a good look at the jury, said Wannamaacher.  “I think half of them are dog people, and the other half are cat people. I hope we win. For the love of Mittens, I hope we win.”

Hoveround Designs Mobility Skateboard For Active Seniors

SARASOTA, Florida – Hoveround Designs Mobility Skateboard For Active Seniors

Hoveround, manufacturer of best-selling power chairs and scooters, announced today a brand new family of mobility devices aimed at the more active, sports-minded consumer.

The ‘Skate-A-Round’ product line was unveiled at the 10th Annual Mobility Product Showcase held at Sarasota’s Municipal Auditorium.

“Our customers have come to rely on the dependability, safety and convenience of our scooters and wheelchairs,” said Boyd Miller, Hoveround Mobility Specialist.  “More and more seniors are living longer and leading more active lives, and we received a few feisty letters and emails asking us for more exciting products.”

71-year-old Preston Jacobs attended the mobility showcase and eagerly volunteered to demonstrate the new Skate-A-Round.  “It’s great!” said the retired tennis instructor.  “I was what you call an all-around athlete.  I played tennis, I swam, I enjoyed skateboarding and baseball — I once pitched a no-hitter in a celebrity all-star game for charity.  I struck out Hank Aaron!  He ran over and shook my hand.  He sends me a Christmas card every year!  Extraordinary guy!”

Jacobs demonstrated the electrically powered skateboard for the convention’s visitors.  “First, you gotta snap down these 2 training wheel brackets on each side by stepping on this bar.  Then you grab onto the handle where the activity lever is.  You lean back on the seat, push the ‘up’ handle to go forward, and the ‘down’ handle to go back.  It’s like being a kid again,” he said, as he sped from one product booth to another.

Another mobility product manufactured under the Skate-A-Round brand is the ‘Hipster,’ a wraparound device powered by 4 in-line skates attached to a specially modified walker.

“The Hipster is designed for the active senior who wants to feel a bit more stable,” explained Miller.  “The belted waistband wraps and snaps around the lower body like a girdle, so there’s no fear of losing your balance, and possibly breaking a hip.  Active seniors can still enjoy the full skateboard experience without the anxiety.”

“We’re excited to offer new options for our more active customers,” said Miller.  Look at the crowd around our booth!  This looks like another top-selling line for us!”

“I’ll be right back,” said Miller, rushing off.  “I lost track of Mr. Jacobs.  The last time I saw him he was doing a tailstop in front of The ‘Little Rascal’ scooter booth.  They’re our largest competitor.  I don’t want them studying our product too closely!”

Paranormal Investigators Confirm Poltergeist Possession of Microwave

 LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – Paranormal Investigators Confirm Poltergeist Possession of Microwave

Homeowner Bill Michaud says, “It started with random beeping. One time it went off like the food was done, and when I looked over, the damn thing was still going and said 6:66.” Unfortunately for Michaud and his family, this spooky occurrence was just the beginning of a long, kitchen-appliance nightmare.

“We found [the microwave] in the attic when we moved in a few months back. Didn’t have one, so figured, ‘what the hell,’ might as well try it,” says Michaud. “I tell you, the thing heats up the food real nice. Sometimes it beeped or turned itself off in the middle of cooking, though. Then really weird things started happening. It zapped at food as if we were putting shards of metal in it. I couldn’t figure it out.”

His wife Betty adds, “It turns on by itself. It turns off by itself, too. It’s like it’s messing with me. No matter how many times I popped the door shut, the minute I leave the room it pops open again. One night, really late, I walk into the kitchen and I’m about to open the fridge, and the microwave door flies open, lighting the whole kitchen up in a horrible, scary lightning-blue color. It’s like it wanted to electrocute me.”

The Michauds contacted the Kansas Ghost Hunter group right away. Founder Kevin Young was eager to study both the microwave and the entire home in general.

“The Michauds didn’t want to go without a microwave, or risk upsetting the spirit by taking it out of the house. We obtained permission to stay the night and study the phenomena in its natural environment,” said Young. “My wife, who is also on my squad, is highly empathic. As we warmed up TV dinners in the microwave, she sensed a presence. As soon as she mentioned it, the microwave started beeping repeatedly. The door flung open, and my Hungry Man dinner went flying across the room. We pressed the off button. We unplugged it. It beeped several times after we cut off the power. Of course our digital recording became corrupted, which often happens when there is such strong energy.”

Young called in paranormal investigator, and self-proclaimed authority on mechanical-possession, Carl Richards. He believes it is not a ghost, but a poltergeist that takes possession of the microwave.

“I followed the situation that the Michauds were facing from the beginning, as they posted their disturbances on Facebook. I keep an eye on all local ghost-hunter hobbyists and groups,” said Richards. “The EMF readings confirmed this supernatural manifestation is a poltergeist. I have seen poltergeists occupy washers, TVs, electric heaters, but this is the first time I have seen microwave possession first-hand.”

When Richards was asked if the Michauds should get a new microwave , he advised, “It is important to remember, the malevolent presence does not strictly ‘live in’ the microwave. Getting rid of the machine will not solve the problem. It has the ability to travel throughout the electrical wiring in the house.”

“It is best not to engage the being,” continued Young. “Try not to be fearful. Always remain calm. If you’re facing a poltergeist in your kitchen devices, just ignore its outbursts, and it will not be able to feed off your energies.”

Betty Michaud agrees with Young’s advice. “I think he knows what he’s talking about. It didn’t start getting really bad until we paid attention to it. Now we just ignore it like we would ignore a child’s temper-tantrum, and it still randomly shuts off or zaps from time to time, but nothing really serious. It still heats up our leftovers like a champ, too.”

KKK Wizard Tries Using Klan Membership Card To Get Bleach Discount At Grocery Store

LEOMA, Tennessee – KKK Wizard Tries Using Membership Card To Get Bleach Discount At Grocery Store

Imperial Wizard William Sanders, of the Tennessee Chapter of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan, attempted use his Klan membership card in order to receive a discount at a local grocery chain for a large order of bleach he was purchasing for his local chapter’s use.

“He came up to the counter with a shopping cart all filled up with bleach bottles,” recalls cashier Trelaine Mumford, “and he asked me if I could give him a discount since he was buying so many.”

The store was running a “buy one, get one free” special with a limit of 1 offer per person, explained Mumford.  “The manager set that up, and I couldn’t go against the policy. He [Sanders] handed me a card and I thought at first he was showing me his bonus points savings card, but it was a membership card to the Klan instead.  He asked me if it would work to get a discount for the bleach, and that’s when I had to go ask the manager.”

“I talked to the store manager who I knew from around town, but he’s not part of our Klavern,” said Sanders.  A “Klavern” in KKK terminology, is a local branch or meeting place for members of the controversial organization, classified as a hate group by the Anti-Defamation League and the Southern Poverty Law Center.

“He denied me the discount,” Sanders said, “and right then and there I felt discriminated against.  My rights were violated as a pure American customer and public citizen.”

“We have to look our best,” continued Sanders.  “Our whites have to look bright.  The economy’s real bad around here these days, so I try to save money everywhere I can, just like everybody else does.  I don’t think it’s fair to deny something to one group just because you don’t think the same way they do,” he added.

Otis Brands Elevator Company Knocks Out Ray Rice Endorsement Deal

ATLANTIC CITY, New Jersey – Otis Elevator Brands Knocks Out Ray Rice Endorsement Deal

Following release by TMZ this week of a video showing NFL player Ray Rice knocking out his then-fiancee in an Atlantic City hotel elevator, Otis Elevator, manufacturer of most of the world’s elevators, has decided to let Rice go as celebrity Spokesperson for its new ad campaign, “An Uplifting Story”.  The lucrative endorsement deal was said to have totaled in the many hundreds of dollars, and persons close to the disgraced football star say he is floored by the decision.

Otis public relations officer, Carl Winters, said it was a difficult action to take, but necessary.  “Mister Rice’s endorsement had been very good for the elevator business, Otis in particular,” Winters told us by phone from his College Park, Maryland office. “Overall elevator ridership was up 3% over fiscal year 2013, and focus groups easily identified Otis Elevator as the ‘Ray Rice elevator company.” 

Winters said they had been looking forward to many years of association with Mr Rice and “as his career grew, we hoped to see our profits hit new heights, no pun intended.  But we cannot, in good conscience, have anyone associated with our brand who treats other riders so disrespectfully.  It bursts the bubble of the public’s fascination with elevator transportation, and overnight polls already show a drop off in ridership and an increase use of stairs and escalators across the country.”

An industry insider told Empire that by 6 AM the day following the video release, work crews had fanned out across the major US cities to remove Mr Rice’s likeness from billboards and buses advertising the Otis Elevator brand, but noted sadly that this gives the entire elevator transportation industry a black eye.

Junior Semples, President of the International Elevator Operators and Riders Consortium, told us that this will not deal a death blow to the industry, but it is already having a negative impact that will take some time to heal. 

“I have heard complaints from parents all morning with fears their children may be subjected to these so-called ‘Knockout game-style punches’ if they ride an elevator,” he said.  “I don’t know what to tell them except they should always be very careful when traveling by elevator, and whenever possible an adult should accompany children in a no more than five-to-one ratio.”

“Persons riding on an elevator should not have to fear for their safety,” said Semples.  “This incident brings up a lot of troubling questions, for instance, was Ray Rice ever given proper training in elevator etiquette and safety?  Should we allow NFL players to travel by elevator at all?  Why doesn’t the NFL require players to wear a name tag that clearly identifies them as an NFL player so persons entering an elevator can decide for themselves whether they want to risk traveling with them?  That is, at least, until all NFL players are re-educated on proper elevator transportation protocols.”

Screen Shot 2014-09-10 at 1.39.35 PM
In this image from captured security footage, we can clearly see the need for this hotel to upgrade to cameras made post-1993.


In his weekly Saturday morning address, President Obama is expected to talk about the Federal government’s response to the elevator tragedy.  Sources on Capitol Hill have hinted that the President is planning to take executive action by assigning a highly trained guard to travel in elevators nationwide on a random basis, much the same way that Air Marshals have increased their presence in airplanes as more and more attempted attacks take place.  There is a possibility that the White House will utilize Homeland Security Border Patrol agents not currently engaged in babysitting the hundreds of thousands of undocumented children who crossed the border this year for their new ‘elevator watch.’

“It’s like 1972 all over again,” Semples said, referring to the release year for the motion picture The Godfather, which showed fictional mobster Victor Stracci being gunned down in an elevator.  “Ridership plummeted after that damn movie came out, especially in parts of the country with large Italian-American populations. Took years for the industry to rebound, just like the big hit the bathroom shower industry took in 1960 after Janet Leigh was hacked to death in a shower at the Bates Motel.  I just hope this Ray Rice incident won’t cause the same slump, because in this economy that could mean a loss of jobs.”

Mr Rice could not be reached for comment.

Man Forces Plane to Land After Refusing To Use The Onboard Bathroom

ST. PAUL, Minnesota – Man Forces Plane to Land After Refusing To Use The Onboard Bathroom22

A plane that was traveling to LAX Airport in California from Minnesota was forced to make an abrupt landing after a passenger became extremely hostile during the flight.  Crew members on the plane tried to resolve the issue while the flight was taking course, but after the passenger continued to throw a temper tantrum, the captain decided that for the safety of the passengers, he would make an unscheduled landing.

The reasoning behind the hostility and frustration was Matthew Flynn, 35, and his ‘bathroom phobia.’ Flynn claimed he was afraid to use a toilet while in the sky, but that a poor choice in his pre-flight meal caused his stomach issues.

“I ate a lot of humus and drank a lot of coffee before the flight,” said Flynn. “Looking back on this decision, I thought I would be able to wait to relive myself at my hotel in California. When we got in the air and my stomach started grumbling, I knew I really only had two options – either go in my pants, or make a scene so badly they would have to stop the flight.”

The second option worked for Flynn, as the plane made an unscheduled landing in Provo, Utah. Unfortunately, as regulations have tightened on flights over the years, Flynn was arrested as soon as the plane hit the ground.

Flynn was charged with a number of different accounts, but to add salt to the wound, he picked up another charge while police were putting him into custody. Flynn was charged with public indecency after defecating himself and removing his pants.

“I tried to beg for them to let me use the bathroom, but they didn’t listen,” said Flynn. “Next time, I’ll skip the meal and try and hold it. I’ve flown several times before this, and never had a problem.”

“We all hate pooping in public places, that’s a given,” said arresting officer Joe Goldsmith of the TSA. “This, though, is a little ridiculous. When you gotta go, you just go, you know? Mr. Flynn is something extra, special, that’s for sure.”

The remaining passengers on Flynn’s flight were stuck on the tarmac for an extra 45 minutes before the flight was cleared to continue.

 

 

Old Man Becomes Job Annihilator by Inventing Prescription Pill Vending Machine

MIAMI, Florida – Old Man Becomes Job Annihilator by Inventing Prescription Pill Vending Machine

Joe Pruitt, a 74-year-old Miami resident, used to enjoy waiting in line for his prescriptions at the pharmacy every month. He considered this ritual of getting his Xanax, pain-killers, and Viagra as a pleasant experience, and he’d go home immediately to wash down his pills with a gin gimlet. He says that his trip to the pharmacy served as a comfort, to fill the empty void of his life as a retiree with kids who resent him and never call. All of that changed last month when a pharmacy employee did the ‘unthinkable.’

“That young whipper-snapper must have too many holes in her head from all those piercings. She told me that the doctor had not called in my prescription,” Pruitt said wringing his hands in anger. “Then she wouldn’t even check the bin for my bloody prescriptions, claiming she was ‘too busy’ and to come back later.”

Fuming and confused, Pruitt says he drove all the way home, up hill both ways, to call his doctor from his landline home phone. After waking from his regular afternoon nap, Pruitt says something ‘unbelievable’ happened.

“Around 5 pm, I went back to get my pills. The damn nine-to-fivers were rushing the pharmacy, and I had to wait in line for over thirty minutes,” said Pruitt. “That is when it came to me. A nice lady named Anna Smith, who was waiting in line to pick up an prescription enema for her son, was the first to hear of my new plan.”

“He was kind of making me uncomfortable,” Smith said, “and he was sort of mumbling to himself incoherently about robots and machines, and the ‘kids today.’ I was just hoping he wasn’t about to have a stroke.”

Although Smith says she was just scared listening to Pruitt talk, she should have listened a little closer, because Pruitt was describing an invention that may well revolutionize an entire industry.

“My idea is a machine that can help us all. I’ve invented an automatic, electronic pill dispenser. The pills are pre-filled by a doctor or whoever controls the meds these days – a politician, I guess – then all patients have to do is insert a card with their prescription on it. The machines reads it, and pills are dropped from inside. Kinda like a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup from a vending machine, or for us old-timers, a pack of smokes.”

When Pruitt was asked whether or not he minded that he would be destroying jobs in the pharmaceutical industry, he seemed to not really care about the welfare of the next generation.

“That pharmacist’s job was just to put little pills into a bottle, and she couldn’t even do that right. Now she will be out of a job because, and I’m glad for it. Who needs these young ankle-biters when you can have a perfectly good machine to do the same job, only more effectively? This will teach them young ‘uns to get between me and erections or my naps,” Pruitt said, cackling in a creepy old-man kind of way.

With Pruitt’s new fortune he plans to put thousands upon thousands of pierced and tattooed millenials out of their jobs, and he can’t wait start on his next big idea – creating robot replacements for Starbucks baristas.

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