13-Year-Old Impregnated From Toilet Seat In Burger King Bathroom

Posted on January 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN DIEGO, California –

According to her parents, an unnamed 13-year-old girl has become pregnant after visiting a local Burger King restaurant, where they say semen that was on the seat must have caused her to conceive.

“The manger at the Burger King was throwing a man out of the restaurant as we were walking in, and when we asked what happened, they said they found him in the women’s bathroom,” said the girl’s mother, who asked to just be referred to as Mary. “It was disgusting, but there are a lot of perverts in this world. We still enjoyed our burgers and then we went home.”

Before they left, though, Mary says her daughter went in to use the restroom.

“She mentioned that it was dirty and there was something on the seat, and I scolded her for not hovering like I always say to do in public,” said Mary. “But I didn’t think too much of it after that, until about 6 weeks later.”

According to Mary, her daughter complained of cramps after a missed period, and doctors confirmed she was pregnant.

“Our daughter does not even have a boyfriend. She’s never even seen a penis before, so I know that she is telling the truth when she says it had to be the toilet,” said Mary. “I’ve confirmed with multiple physicians who say although rare, it’s entirely possible that the disgusting man’s semen could have impregnated my daughter if it is was still fresh enough.”

Mary says she plans to bring a lawsuit against Burger King for not “properly cleaning” their establishment.

“We’re a Catholic family, so abortion is out of the question here,” said Mary. “I will certainly make sure that Burger King pays for this child for the rest of its life, though, I’ll see to that. I only thank God that the pervert was white.”

Flint Residents Urged To Boil And Drink Their Own Urine During Michigan Water Crisis

Posted on January 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FLINT, Michigan –

The small town of Flint, Michigan has had a serious problem with polluted drinking water for the last few years, but the problem has recent reached epic proportions after national news outlets picked up the story, making people aware of the lead-filled river water that residents have been drinking.

Diseases and sickness have caused multiple hospitalizations and even several deaths since the city’s government began telling people that the water was safe to drink, despite its brown and yellow color when straight from the tap. Because of the national media attention, the city officials have decided to recant their statements about the water’s safety, and instead suggests that residents boil and drink their own urine.

“It is much, much safer for you to urinate into jars, bottles, or jugs, boil it, and then drink that,” said Flint city council member Roger Lewis. “You can drink your own urine up to three times before it becomes poisonous, but that is still safer to drink than the river water we’ve been saying was safe for the last few years.”

Residents are currently being given water from other states by the US government, but they must show a valid Michigan license with a Flint address on it to qualify, as well as provide a social security number. Flint city council members say that the water crisis may not end for some time, and that they will continue to research methods for residents to obtain water, including saving saliva and sweat for possible use.

Psychiatrist Prescribes Video Games To Fight Depression

Posted on January 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DELUTH, Minnesota –

Dr. Frank Stephenson has started prescribing video games such as The Sims and World of Warcraft to his patients. He claims it treats depression better than any drug currently on the market.

“Too many of my patients life seems so pointless. Get up. Go to work. Fall deeper in debt. Never really achieve your dreams. Soon you’re in your fifties and your wife that left you is remarried and much happier now.

“The big breakthrough came for me when I gave up on trying to help people change their lives for the better. People never change. What I can do is help people escape from their droll lives. We can’t give out the good meds because those are too addictive, and face it – anti-depressants don’t give you a good buzz, so they’re basically worthless. Video games though – they can transport you to another world.”

Dr. Stephenson says video game therapy can work for all types of depression including seasonal, major, chronic, existential, and post-partum. “I’ve even had some luck with prescribing VGT to bipolar patients. Of course sometimes they’ll play for days straight during their manic phases and give up before beating the game once their depressive phase hits. Lithium usually helps with that.”

Although there are no clinical studies to back up his work, Dr. Stephenson says anyone who tries it will see. Dr. Stephenson also cautions that video game therapy should be used in moderation, and only as a temporary substitute for real life.

Authors of ‘Eat More, Weigh Less’ and ‘Zero Belly Fat’ Weight-Loss Books Sued

Posted on January 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DAYTON, Ohio –

Monika Ames is suing under the legal theory that the title of books she purchased should have included a disclaimer to warn her she had to read the book before adopting the diet. “I ate more and I certainly don’t weigh any less.”

Some would call it common sense that you have to read the book before following the advice on the cover, but this is not stopping her lawyer David Moreno, who says they have a great case. “My client is sick of being lied to. This is going to be the biggest thing since they started putting “Caution: Contents Hot” on coffee.

David Zinczenko, author of Zero Belly Fat, will also be implicated in the suit. His Wednesday, January 27^th appearance on The View was almost canceled over the suit. Last minute changes were approved by the show and his lawyer, which allowed the explanation of food pairings that will help you burn more fat than either alone. He may need to add a disclaimer to the new editions of his book, such as “results not typical.”

Dean Ornish, author of Eat More Weigh Less, said at first he was just happy people were still talking about his book he originally released in 1993. Ornish says, “I am still going strong with this diet, and my first thoughts were ‘she obviously was not following it.’ Then I released she didn’t even read it. They’ll throw this out of court like that woman throws down chocolate cake.

Heroin Addict Kills Mother In Front of Family, Blames It On ‘Having A Bad Day’

Posted on January 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DRESDEN, Mississippi –

Keith Jordon admits he killed his mother and says the reason she is dead is that he was having a stressful day. Jordon had been fired from his job two months before, for poor attendance, and his roommates were now kicking him out because he wasn’t able to make rent.

Jordon’s sister, Denise Jordon, witnessed the brutal attack on their mother. “She’d already given him money for last month’s rent, but of course he used it for drugs. Here he was, begging for more. When she refused to give it to him, he stabbed her.”

Keith Jordon reportedly stabbed his mother five times, and then continued to stand over her and kick her, which he blames on the fact he was withdrawing from Suboxone.

Although Suboxone is often prescribed for opiate addiction, Jordan had been getting it on the streets since a local drug bust interrupted his heroin supply.

“People are forgetting how I feel. It really hurts me that my mom is gone. I really want to just zonk right out and not think about it. They won’t even give you a Valium in jail, man. I thought I was supposed to get medical care in here.”

Jordon also blames the system for contributing to the situation. “If they would just stop this stupid war on drugs, I would still be able to get my heroin on the cheap like it was. None of this would have ever happened.”

Homicide Investigator, Edward Watson says, “This is typical addict behavior. He had no money and a trigger. Boom. Clear motive. He confessed immediately after being detained.”

Woman To Receive World’s First Cat Eye Transplant

Posted on January 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

POMONA VALLEY, California –

After a vicious attack, Cheryl Wrigley thought she would never see again. Although she could not afford a traditional human eye transplant, she now hopes she will see again after being selected for an experimental cat’s eye transplant.

The rods and cones of a cat’s eye are quite different from humans, meaning Cheryl’s color vision will be altered, but she will be able to see better at night. Researchers at Pomona Valley Hospital Medical Center’s experimental unit are interested to find out exactly how her perception changes.

Because cats have ultra-violet transparent lenses, unlike humans, UV light will reach her retina, potentially allowing her to see more of the light spectrum than any other person has. Scientists are unsure whether her brain will be able to process the UV light in the same way a cat’s brain will, and are interested to see if this works.

“I always thought about getting like some cat’s eye contacts. I’m going to look so sexy after my operation,” says Wrigley. Although a cat’s eyeball is significantly smaller than a humans, Wrigley will receive plastic surgery to alter her face and make the rest of her features proportional.

Colorado Couple ‘Clambakes’ Baby To Treat Colic

Posted on January 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

Two month old Aurora Dorsey has been removed from her mother’s care after Amy Dorsey told Aurora’s pediatrician she had been using marijuana to treat her baby’s colic. Although marijuana use is legal in the state, children are not allowed to use it recreationally and must have a prescription for medicinal use.

Amy told the infant’s doctor they would “clambake the bathroom” while the baby was inside, or gently blow smoke into Aurora’s face, which seemed to alleviate her colic discomfort and help her sleep through the night. Dorsey says, “I can’t believe they took her away over a little pot smoke. Besides marijuana has been proven to cure cancer. I saw all those St. Jude commercials and thought, ‘well at least this won’t happen to my baby.’”

Children inhaling secondhand smoke, whether from cigarettes or marijuana, are more susceptible to respiratory infections and more likely to get asthma. Since the legalization of marijuana in Colorado, child welfare agencies have been finding it harder to stop children from using marijuana. Social worker Denise Haze says that while she has seen her fair share of 3-18 year olds smoking marijuana, this is usually without parental consent.

Woman Takes Testosterone Supplements While Pregnant To Make Baby More ‘Manly’

Posted on January 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TORONTO, Canada –

Tragically, Kathy Martin did not know the consequences or seek a doctor’s advice before taking testosterone supplements while pregnant. She says her husband, Dave, encouraged her to take them so their baby boy would be more masculine than their first child.

Their newborn son was delivered 5 weeks premature, suffering from severe birth defects. Androgen supplements are considered a class D drug and should obviously never be used during pregnancy.

“We just didn’t want another little flamer like the last one,” says David, who is facing criminal charges for supplying the supplements to his wife after purchasing them illegally over the internet. “Don’t get me wrong, we love our oldest son, but at four years old you can already see the he is afflicted with the disease of faggotry. He says his favorite color is pink and his favorite movie is The Little Mermaid. That’s not the son I wanted, but yeah, we love him. He’s from my loins, unfortunately.”

Kathy says, “As a good Christian woman it is my responsibility to honor and obey my husband without question. He assured me there would be no risks to the baby, and that the mustache I grew would surely fall right off after the baby was born.”

Both parents are being investigated by child protective services as well as local police.

New Mother Nurses Abandoned Kittens With Her Own Breast Milk

Posted on January 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TORONTO, Ontario, Canada –

Sharon Carswell says she recently became a surrogate mom to three abandoned kittens. “Mommy just left them there like trash in a cardboard box. So I rescued them. Kitten formula is more expensive than baby formula, and I figured breast is always best, so I tried it, and they seem to like it.”

As her nipples were too large, the kittens were unable to nurse from her breast directly, so according to Carswell, she fed them her breast milk with an eye-dropper. Because her new baby, Killian, and the kitties were nurse mates, she says they now share a unique bond.

“There’s a real bond between my baby and the cats. Seeing them playing with balls of yarn or gumming on sardines together is the most precious thing,” Carswell says, although she does admit that reactions have been mixed. “Some people are grossed out and shocked, others are in awe and proud. I am saving kittens with my breastmilk, and it’s amazing.”

Man Overdoses on Pink Himalayan Salt; Doctors Put Him On Life Support

Posted on January 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

Himalayan salt is said to improve respiratory and vascular health, lower blood sugar in diabetics, and reverses the signs of aging. Dave Cyrus read inititally tried it because he thought it would help seasonal affective disorder and give him more energy.

Within a few months he was ingesting so much pink salt, he was diagnosed with salt poisoning. Salt poisoning signs are often subtle at first, including lethargy, irritability, and bloating. With continued ingestion they can result in seizure or coma. Dave’s wife found him unconscious in the kitchen last week, barely able to move.

Wife Jessica says her husband became obsessed. “It started with those salt lamps. They have nice ambiance. I didn’t complain. Then he discovered pink salt. He’d just rave about how healthy he was, how good it made him feel – and if nothing else, he was definitely more horny. Whenever I warned him he was taking too much salt, he’d just whip it out, and I couldn’t argue with that.”

Dave remains at Mercy hospital in a coma. Jessica says she will keep him on life support as long as it takes. “When he gets out of this coma my first words to him are going to be, ‘I told you so, you lunkhead.’ My second words, though, will probably be ‘Can you whip it out for me again, though, hun?'”