Surgeons Remove Toy From Man’s Rectum For 37th Time

Posted on March 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

A man was recently admitted to the Crestwood Medical Center in Huntsville, Alabama for surgery to remove a toy that had become lodged inside his rectal cavity. The man, whose full name is unknown but who doctors refer to as “Buzz,” has had the exact same procedure done previously an astounding 36 times, all at the same hospital within the last 3 years.

Doctors are well aware that Buzz’s story about how it happens is completely false, but they say it makes for a good laugh every time they see him limp through the door.

“He likes to say that his son leaves all his toys and action figures around, on the couch and on the chairs, and because Buzz doesn’t notice, when he sits down, there they go – to infinity and beyond. We humor him, because he’s got full insurance and the money is coming in.” said Dr. Timothy Allen, the surgeon who treats Buzz.

The hospital has tried to work with Buzz to see a sexual therapist, but Buzz refuses and insists that it is an accident, and he is not inserting characters inside himself for any sort of sexual thrill.

“I can believe once…maybe. I don’t even think I could believe it could happen twice.” Said Andy Davis, a nurse at Crestwood who has previously treated Buzz during his recovery from surgery. “I definitely cannot even think about this happening 37 times without this man really needing some professional help. He needs a therapist, or possibly a prostitute.”

When asked why the hospital continues to give him back the extracted toy after each surgery, Dr. Allen said the answer to that was the strangest part of the whole story.

“We’re not giving him the figure back. We discard it each and every time. Yet when he comes back to us, it’s the exact same toy. The man must really like the way it feels…[or] if you believe his story, his son has the most boring toy collection imaginable.”

The hospital has said that they would continue to treat Buzz whenever he needed their services, although they did say they hope at least once he comes in with a flu or a broken arm.

New Jeresey Teenager Hospitalized With Facebook Withdrawals

Posted on March 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CAMDEN, New Jersey –

Nancy Thompson, 15, was hospitalized today for severe withdrawal symptoms caused by her parents taking away her computer, cell phone, and her Facebook privileges. Thompson, who was being punished for a poor grade in math, was taken to the emergency room at Camden-South Medical Center after her parents found her in bed with cold sweats, thumb twitches, and general zombie-like behavior.

“I was terrified, we both were.” Said Marge Thompson, Nancy’s mother. “I heard noises and murmuring upstairs. I went to Nancy’s room, and she was rocking back-and-forth on her bead, mumbling “Like. Like. Comment. Like. Share,” and her thumbs were twitching in a texting motion involuntarily. We called 9-1-1 immediately.”

Ambulances were at the Thompson house in minutes, with paramedics prepared for the worst.

“We arrived, and Nancy was still trembling. It’s a scene I’ve bared witness to many times lately. The ‘Social-Media Shakes’, that’s what we call them.” Said Glen Lantz, one of the paramedics on the scene. “We were loading her into the ambulance, and that was when I saw the look she had. Nancy had a pretty standard resting bitch face, but then I saw her lips starting to curl back and one arm started to rise above her head. I recognized the selfie-signs instantly, and immediately sedated her before any of us had to see her morph into duck face mode.”

Parents today are more and more often using social media restrictions as punishments for their children and teenagers. As evident in Nancy’s case, it is not always the best solution. Rod Lane, a professional child psychiatrist, says that teens and young adults need their social networks more than ever, and taking them away can have serious adverse effects, much the same as with drug and alcohol addiction.

“I know that when your teen does something wrong, telling them they can’t get on Facebook is the quickest thing to come to your head. I implore all parents, please don’t do this.” Said Lane. “Your child needs to be weened off their social media, like a heroin abuser who goes to a methadone clinic. Just like with “true” drugs, your child can become violent and hostile, or conversely, they can become completely withdrawn and depressed, all because social media is removed from their lives too quickly.”

Nancy’s father, Donald Thompson, says that the first thing he did when Nancy awoke in the hospital was give her back her 32GB gold iPhone 5 so she could get online.

“I never want to have to go through something like this again. I swear I will never take away her Facebook privileges as long as I live. My baby girl can take all the half-nude, fake tanned, stupid-ass duck face pictures she wants. I’ll even ‘like’ them all myself!”

Nancy responded by saying it would be a “cold day in hell” before she added her dad on Facebook. She also updated her status on Facebook to “Prnts are soooo f-ing lame. hospitul food sucks. some1 bring me an f-ing Pinkberry like NOW!” It immediately received ‘Likes’ from 143 of Nancy’s 2,486 friends.

Neurologist Says Getting Tattoos Literally Makes You More Dumb

Posted on March 16, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SAN DIEGO, California –

If you do a simple Google search, you’ll find long lists of ill-thought out tattoos, featuring accidentally inappropriate or insulting examples, such as ugly representations of pretty people’s faces, or simply bad spelling and grammar. “Only God Can Juge Me,” and “Never Don’t Give Up,” are two such examples.

This phenomenon may have led you to believe that those who choose to get inked are not particularly intelligent, but new research has indicated that it is actually the other way around.

“Our study found that getting tattoos literally makes you dumber,” said neurologist, Doc Klein. “We tested the intelligence levels of 10 000 individuals before and after getting such tattoos as barbed wire around the bicep, or elaborate dragons across the arms and back. The results certainly surprised us.”

One such test showed that inked individuals are less coherent than before. They were unable to form well-constructed sentences and occasionally gave up in the middle of a word.

Another test had the subjects doing simple mathematical problems. While 100% were able to solve them in the first test, only 20% solved the same problems after.

“Right now we are unsure of the reasons, but we have a couple hypotheses,” said Klein. “The most convincing is that the act of getting a tattoo is essentially a dumb idea, and acting it out affirms that reality to the individual.”

The results help us to understand why it is repeat customers who get the most ill-conceived tattoos. Neck or face tattoos are among the most common for those covered in ink. There are even a few examples of heavily tattooed individuals getting penises tattooed to their heads or necks.

A man with “Fuck you” tattooed to his forehead, who chose to remain anonymous, explained his terrible choice.

“I like ‘Fuck you’ because it good me good. Dark colors make head red and good again.”

Study Suggests Movie Theatre Butter Can Make Men Sterile, Impotent

Posted on March 16, 2015 by Josh Marcus

AUSTIN, Texas –

A worrying new study will have hordes of men staying away from popcorn at the movies. The startling research reports that the butter used by cinemas around America has the potential to make men sterile, and even impotent altogether. Apparently due to the chemical, PEW, the snack causes hormonal chaos, with testosterone among the major losses.

“We found this information due to a previous study in which the testicles of male rats fell off after the input of copious amounts of PEW,” said head researcher Peter Darren. “Immediately, we drew up a list of all edible products which might use the chemical. Popcorn butter was the only one with significant amounts.”

The researchers then did a longitudinal study, remarkably over only two years.

“Already in two years we saw the consequences of popcorn butter. 200 normal, adult males participated. 100 of them stayed away from popcorn for the period of time. The other 100 ate what would constitute a regular measure of the product.”

Out of the 100 who ate the popcorn, 15 were found to have low sperm counts, and 3 were completely impotent.

“18% is a shocking proportion, especially since movie popcorn is so heavily and widely consumed. It means almost a fifth of our population could be sterile or worse. That might explain the lower-than-expected population growth over the past few decades.”

The Independent Cinema Foundation (ICF) initially released a press statement refuting the claims made by the study.

“There is absolutely no need to panic,” it read. “We would not put our customers at risk were there even the slightest indication of harm. The reported study is being looked into, but at the moment it looks like one big hoax.”

Three hours later, however, and members of the ICF were already jumping ship.

“We’re totally fucked,” said former head of operations, Jonah Maddox. “This will be the financial ruin of us, as well as our moral downfall. We’ve been causing all this damage to so many innocent Americans, there’s nothing left for us to do but throw ourselves to the sharks.”

Study Shows Excessive Taking of Selfies Cause Seizures

Posted on March 14, 2015 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

You may want to drop that cellphone next time you are having a great hair day and looking for some ‘likes’ on Facebook. A recent study has been conducted, with results showing that people who take excessive selfies are more likely to suffer from seizures.

Dr. Corey Brad explained how something as simple as taking a picture of ones self can be so dangerous.

“Well, as crazy as it may sound, it is completely true. The thing that sets apart selfies from any other picture is the fact that most people taking them take up to one hundred photos of themselves at one time to find the perfect picture,” said Dr. Brad. “That large amount of staring into the screen and light can cause a person at any age to have a seizure. On top of that, you are twice as likely to take one with the flash on. As we’ve always known, flashing lights can cause seizures, but we never thought that some day so many people would be repeatedly flashing lights at themselves, either.”

There have been over 2,000 cases of young adults having seizures so far this year, and this study may have found the answer to why this is happening.

There are a few signs that you’re close to the ‘danger zone’ of a seizure when taking pictures, the biggest is about ‘Duck Face.’

“One tip is to know that the typical ‘Duck Face’ that is commonly seen in pictures is a sign of an impending seizure. While most people don’t even realize they are doing it, selfies can cause a neuron to literally burn out in your brain, causing you to make the face when taking a picture,” said Dr. Brad. “If you see someone making a duck face in a selfie, by all means, slap that phone to the ground. It may save their life.”

New England Man With Agoraphobia Hasn’t Left House In 10 Years, Still Bitching About Snowstorms

Posted on March 12, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CONCORD, New Hampshire

You may have heard the term “agoraphobia” and you may even know that it refers to a fear of stepping outside your home. Maybe you learned it from that old Incubus song, or maybe you’re simply not a dumbass. Whatever the case, you’ll have sympathy for this New England man who hasn’t left his house in 10 years. Yes, that’s 10 years.

Daniel Wiley was a well-adjusted 22-year-old when he experienced his first attack of agoraphobia. The year was 2003, and New England was in the midst of a terrible snowstorm.

“That fucking snowstorm ruined my life,” he muses. “I had everything I had ever wanted. A job, a steady girlfriend, a family who loved me. And then one day I had it all taken away. Goddamit, it was cold out. Anyone would’ve done the same.”

The condition progressed to the point that Wiley could not even bear the thought of going out, in case there was another snowstorm.

“I hate when it’s too cold. It’s just plain uncomfortable. I’m not strange, I just don’t like the cold. It makes me shiver.”

Friends and family have urged him to move to Florida or California, where the climate is much warmer and not conducive to snow, but Daniel says he won’t let his condition dictate his life.

“Move? I’m not moving because of a stupid snowstorm. Only a sucker would do that. I looked outside the other day and there was 6 feet of snow on the ground. I almost vomited. But it’s not gonna stop me from living where I want to live and doing the things I want to do. I’ll just wait it out. Snowstorms are just a way of life up here. My way of life, though, happens to be staying the hell away from them. It’s nice and cozy in my house. ”

Doctors To Classify ‘Binge-Watching’ As Severe Mental Disorder

Posted on March 11, 2015 by Josh Marcus

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Eager to re-watch the first four seasons of Game of Thrones in anticipation of the April release of the next chapter? Well, your urges may be cause for concern. Binge watching has in the past year been clinically verified as an addiction, and now doctors are saying it might be in line for classification as a ‘severe mental disorder’.

“We all know that television gives us an escape from the harsh realities of life. It also allows us to dissociate from our bodies into a state of mental inaptitude,” Dr John Wallans, editor of psychiatric diagnostic handbook, DSM-V, explained on his YouTube channel. “What it can do is turn our brains off and make us sink into depression and apathy. Some people do not recover as quickly after watching one episode, and they are drawn into watching two or three at a time. The habit slowly develops into a disorder, in which they are never free from the psychological disintegration, and use excessive television marathons as a distorted coping mechanism.”

The public at large remains unimpressed.

“I coulda toldja that,” said chronic watcher Jim Bellic. “I know what’s wrong with my head, and I know why I binge watch. Doctors just wanna make everything into an illness ya know. It’s so they can make money on drugs. They’re in it with the pharmaceutical companies. I think it’s called pharming.”

Television personality Dr Oz has jumped onto the mental illness bandwagon, using the latest episode of his show to spread terror of this “terrible malady” and promote BingeKiller, a so-called “wonder-drug which cures tv induced depression in mere seconds.”

For more information about the symptoms of the disorder and how to treat it, stories of diagnosis and cure, and fear-mongering by irate Googlers, WebMD has added binge-watching to its catalogue, and has already built up over ten million comments sharing non-expert advice.

Man Electrocuted, Dies While Smoking E-Cigarette

Posted on March 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Michael Del, a 34 year old construction worker from Boston, Massachusetts, was killed early last Wednesday as the e-cigarette he was smoking sent a jolt of electricity through his body, knocking him unconscious. Del, who was on a lunch break while working an overnight on job site in Cambridge, had reportedly been using the e-cigarettes to help quit smoking, a habit he had for nearly 20 years. He was rushed to Massachusetts General Hospital where doctors were unable to revive him. They pronounced him dead at 7:18AM.

“Michael started smoking really young. It was my fault. I smoked around him all the time, and left cigarettes laying around,” Said Charmaine Del, Michael’s mother. “He had decided he wanted to quit. We both did, and we heard the e-cigs were a good way to help. So I bought us both one to get started. He’d only been using it for about a week.”

Reports from the hospital were that Del had been using his e-cigarette while it was plugged into his truck, charging. E-cigarettets are small, pen-sized items that contain internal batteries, and smokers can add nicotine-infused flavor ‘cartridges’ into them. Just like a cell phone, the batteries can be charged, and most e-cigarettes come with USB charger similar to that of a phone.

The instructions for most e-cigarettes that have chargers insist that you do not try to use them while charging, but like most men Del apparently skipped the directions and opted to just try and figure out how they worked using trial-and-error. Unfortunately for him, the warnings posted on the package for this product were extremely important.

A representative for Black, INC., the manufacturer of the e-cigarette Del had purchased, released a statement expressing their condolences.

“We at Black are extremely saddened to learn that one of our products has caused the death of a customer. We are terribly sorry, as these unfortunate events are never easy for anyone. We send or deepest sympathies to his family. As this is the first such death from e-cigarettes though, we’d like to remind people that we’re still doing far better than Big Tobacco, whose death toll is in the millions.”

E-cigarettes have been a continued source of controversy since they first launched only a few short years ago, and the debate about their safety in comparison to a traditional cigarette has caused a stir in the medical community. This is the first death caused by e-cigarettes since their widespread use began in 2003.

Nation’s Dogs Ask Owners for More ‘Human Food’

Posted on March 4, 2015 by Josh Marcus

UNITED STATES –

The nation’s dogs have collectively agreed to ask their owners for more human food, starting tonight. This comes in response to their constant hunger for whatever their masters are eating. They have decided on the strategy of sitting by the table and looking up with their big, sad eyes at their humans while they eat delicious steaks and burgers.

“We’ve decided to let go of dignity, swallow our pride, and beg,” said Pomps Michaels, a labrador. “They’ll surely sympathise. It’s impossible not to when we stare at them in a way that says, ‘I love you more than life itself, and only wish you’d make me happier.’ The combination of pathos and adoration will surely get them.”

“I do get human food occasionally,” admitted Rufus Paul. “My owner throws me scraps of chicken and other meat products when he feels particularly generous. But I could do with more fruit and yogurt, in order to balance out my diet and add some variety to my cultured palate.”

Dog food manufacturers are not perturbed by the development, saying that “this happens every so often and, up until now, we’ve managed to weather the storm pretty easily. While its impossible sometimes to say no to those furry faces, human food is far more expensive than what we provide. Furthermore, our food is developed to give dogs a healthy diet, and owners will always have their best friend’s greater good at heart.”

Owners across the country are preparing to meet the collective demands by saying no over and over again while throwing pieces under the table every time their dogs lay their heads on their knees.

Hurricane Escobar, Winter Storm Uteri Will Collide Causing Catastrophic Storm Next Week

Posted on March 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

The storm coming up from the south will hit Florida and Alabama, and is set to continue moving Northeast all the way to Maine. Bread and milk prices expected to soar dramatically.

GULF SHORES, Alabama –

Professor and Chief Scientific Meteorologist, Christian Cumulus, of Louisiana State University, as well as scientists at the National Weather Service of Central Florida, have confirmed the “utmost likelihood” of a potentially fierce storm in the Western Hemisphere, very likely the worst in over 500 years.

Cumulus says that the storm will come to fruition when expected Level-4 Hurricane Escobar and its frigid air counterpart, Winter Storm Uteri, are aligned for a massive collision headed straight for Gulf Shores, Alabama and will be affecting all major cities in the surrounding areas, and will possibly continue up through the Northeast, all the way to Maine.

“This is without a doubt the most aggressive combination of two split-season storms I have not only ever seen in my 35-year career in meteorology, but also that anyone has ever encountered in this field of study,” said Cumulus. “This storm will be absolutely catastrophic, with the high risk of significant loss of property, and possibly life, in all of Gulf, as well as the entire Eastern United States. Please, stock up on water and food, especially bread and milk, and stay safe.”

“Based on all 7 models, we expected the Frankenstein-like storm to crash into state-side sometime early next week. It is with every bit of my professional being that I encourage all citizens to abandon their homes and head North-West,” Said Weather Service researcher Miles Nimbus. “Just thinking of the devastation which is sure to occur worries me immensely, please prepare yourselves. Stock up on bread and milk, and get yourselves out of the path of the storm.”

The National Weather Service of Huntsville, in Alabama, has also released a statement, saying that residents should take the professional’s advice and head North. A conference is being planned for sometime later this week in which strict guidelines will be released to citizens.

“We don’t want anyone to panic, but we don’t want you to know what’s coming,” said Alabama Governor Skip Altostratus. “Please, wait for our instructions, and remain calm. Visit your local stores to stock up on bread and milk, and know that your local government agencies are working hard to prepare everyone for a potential catastrophe.”