Nevada To Abolish Mandatory STD Testing For Women In Legalized Brothels

Posted on January 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

CARSON CITY, Nevada –

The Nevada legislature earlier this week removed mandatory STD testing for legalized brothels from the state’s law books. Legislators from both parties agreed there was a “better use” for the money that the state has been providing for medical care for prostitutes.

“The term ‘buyer beware’ comes to mind,” said State Legislator Brian Bowser. “The state has been wasting millions a year on STD testing. It’s high time that we let the free market pay for it – brothels with the clean whores will get the most business. If you’re visiting a brothel, wear a condom for God’s sake, they give them out for free. My father once told me ‘Always assume a whore is a filthy whore.’ My father was a wise man.”

“Well, I’m not a filthy whore,” said Jenny Juggs, employee at the Clydesdale Ranch. “I shower at least 25 times a day. I shower after each client, and I get primped back up. Unless it was just a blowjob, then I just gargle with whiskey.”

“This means whores with STDs will be working at brothels, that’s great!” said Clydesdale Ranch regular Charlie Hutch. “I’m tired of paying full price for so-called ‘clean’ whores; Give me a half-price diseased one any day. I figure there’s nothing left out there for me to catch anyway, believe me, once you start seeing prostitutes, legal or not, there’s not much out there you don’t have. I’ve got all those STD’s already.”

“This is outrageous! I’ve been pushing for Nevada to outlaw prostitution for years,” said Pimp Big Willie. “Legalized prostitution cuts into my business. The girls that failed state STD tests become my best street walkers. Now where the hell am I going to get my bitches? This is bullshit.”

Professional Boxing Bans Punches To Face, Head; Commission To Allow Body Punches Only

Posted on January 12, 2015 by Abe Abrams

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

The Association of Boxing Commissions have made what many are calling a ‘giant leap forward’ for their sport, announcing today that they are implementing new rules that seeking to make boxing ‘more civilized.’ Stressing concussions and boxer safety as the main reason, punches to the head and face will no longer be allowed in professional boxing. Strikes to the face will also be banned in boxing gyms and amateur training facilities.

“Too many boxers are suffering in retirement because of years of concussions and blows to the face,” said Commissioner Marvin ’Marvelous’ Mayberry. “That is not what boxing should be about. Boxing is not about violence; boxing is a dance, it’s an art form. Boxing is two men dancing, hugging, learning each others moves and all that can be accomplished during the match. All these same aspects can be displayed even better if we just focus on punches to the body.”

“Truth is, the gyms are empty, no one wants to box anymore, all the real men are moving to MMA,” said Louie ‘Lefty’ Lavine, a former professional boxer who retired in 1993, and is now a boxing trainer. ”With all the real, tough guys doing MMA, boxing really doesn’t have anyone left who isn’t a Mama’s boy. I can’t say I agree with the new policy, though, of no punches to the face. As it is, I already see too many MMA fighters wearing ‘Boxing Is For Pussies’ T- Shirts.”

“I think it’s a wonderful idea! My husband and I have been looking for a new cardio workout for a while, but who wants to punch your lover in the face?” said Ron Feelmore, a sports enthusiast in San Fransisco. ”I mean, who doesn’t enjoy jumping rope, silk shorts, and gorgeous robes? The only thing that was stopping us from taking up boxing before was our perfect teeth and hair, but with no punches above the neck, now it’s a perfect sport. All the fellows at the YMCA want to give it a try now. I tell you, it’s going to be fabulous!”

Too Fat to Fly? Southwest Airlines Forcing Customers To Check Body Size At Gate

Posted on January 9, 2015 by Angela Baker

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Tired of the person in the next seat having their extra-large love handles spill over into your economy seat? In an attempt to make things more comfortable for everyone, Southwest Airlines has announced they will be installing a ‘Check-Your-Comfort chair at the gate. Similar to the carry-on size check, the new chair will allow customers to see if they will fit in a single seat before they get onto the plane.

The company says that they hope that the seats will help save time and embarrassment for ‘any fatties who can’t afford first class.’ Frequent flyer Gary Weston, a fitness instructor from Tampa, Florida, says he is unsympathetic to obese people looking to fly economy, and thinks the new seats will be a great addition to the flight experience.

“Look fatty, your foopah or your gunt or whatever you want to call it, that shit doesn’t count as a ‘personal item’ unless you can shove it under the seat in front of you, and we know that’s not happening. It’s not the airline’s responsibility to accommodate everyone. Maybe skip a meal and hit the gym, and this wouldn’t be a problem in the first place. Sure, the airline can discreetly pass you a seat-belt extender, but if you’re the size of a damn grizzly bear, you’re should be forced to get a second seat. I don’t want to be squished any more than I have to because you didn’t skip the dessert bar at the Sizzler.”

Flight attendant Monica North, who works for a competing airline, says she wishes her airline would get on board with what Southwest is doing. “It’s embarrassing for everybody when someone doesn’t fit. Some leave the plane in tears so fast they forget their luggage in the overhead department. The last woman who couldn’t get the armrest down refused to get off the plane until security threatened to arrest her for delaying the flight. That Check-Your-Ass thingy they’re doing would save a lot of time for us, and probably spare people’s feelings.”

“So many airline passengers are in complete denial of their girth. With almost 90% of the country considered obese, you’d think people would realize that they might not fit in a seat that’s only 17″ wide. Quite often they get insulted when they are told at the gate they may not fit, and then act like they weren’t warned. Well, now you have the opportunity to see for yourself before you board,” said Southwest representative Mariah Easton. “If [a customer] does not fit comfortably in the Check-Your-Comfort seat, they will be forced purchase a seat upgrade or second seat, whichever they prefer.”

The new seat-check option will be made available for all domestic and international flights starting in February.

New University Study Shows Marijuana Concentrate ‘Dabs’ Cause Brain Cancer

Posted on January 7, 2015 by DesireeAmber

TUCSON, Arizona –

At the University of Arizona College of Medicine, recent test studies show that smoking marijuana concentrates, also called “dabs,” users are increasing their risk of developing cancerous cells in their brain by almost 7 times when compared to just regular weed smoking.

Out of 75 test subjects, 11 subjects, both male and female, are showing signs of cancerous activity after only 18 months of smoking the concentrated marijuana dabs. Monitored behavior logs were kept, along with consultations and activities performed daily, monitoring standard marijuana smoking versus dab smokers.

University of Arizona representative Amanda Schuyler released the findings after concluding that the public needed to have the information on hand before the study would be fully completed.

“As the use of ‘dabs’ becomes more and more common amongst marijuana users seeking a much better high, we felt we needed to get our findings out there as soon as possible, as the dangers of holding onto such information could be disastrous,” said Schuyler. “The effects of residual butane exposure, which is a chemical used in preparing the dabs, actually isn’t as bad as you’d think. What’s really causing the cancer to grow at such a rapid rate is the concentrated marijuana. Taking one dab is just like smoking 4,000 joints at once. It’s deadly.”

7 Out of the 11 subjects being observed while using concentrates that were negatively effected are showing severe destruction of neurons in the brain, losses unlike anything ever seen. With no current possibility for regrowth of brain matter, it’s being suggested by the university researchers that concentrated ‘dabs’ be categorized with the government as a class 1 felony drug.

Debates have been heated in the medical marijuana, as well as recreational-use communities as to the benefits of these concentrates. Marijuana concentrates, also known on the streets as “hippie crack,” is made by using marijuana and butane to transform the plant into a goopy liquid, which gets heated and smoked through special, often very elaborate, glass pipes.

“I really hope that the government listens to our findings on this horrible, seriously damaging drug,” said Schuyler. “Just like standard marijuana, this new form is extremely deadly and could easily kill you. It needs to be controlled by the government, and it needs to be a strict felony as punishable by law.”

Pharmaceutical Company Mixes Up Aspirin, Birth Control Pills; Public Urged To Check Medicine Cabinets

Posted on January 6, 2015 by DvanL

PHOENIX, Arizona –

If you used Estroblokitol birth control pills or reached for a bottle of generic brand aspirin during the months of October, November, or December 2014, doctors and pharmacists urge you to contact Filip-Ashher Pharmaceuticals immediately.

Filip-Ashher Pharmaceuticals admitted today that a labeling error at their Mexico packaging facility caused as many as 6,000 bottles of aspirin, and 3,000 dispensers of birth control pills to be mislabeled – some aspirin were in fact birth control pills, and vice-versa.

Several thousand bottles of generic pain reliever were shipped from the Tijuana, Mexico packaging facility to regional centers across the United States, but authorities are about “83% confident” that the affected products were confined to the greater Phoenix area.

Dr. Lita Hürstvatter, of Phoenix’s St. Joseph’s Hospital, issued an urgent appeal to women across the country – not just from the greater Phoenix area – to immediately bring unused Estroblokitol pills to their health care provider or clinic for examination.

“It is important that we find any women who were mistakenly given aspirin in place of an oral contraceptive, as well as men or women who thought they were taking a pain reliever, when in fact the were issued a birth control hormone. Estroblokitol is a federally controlled substance, and contains potentially dangerous substances, available only with a doctor’s prescription.”

The seriousness of the situation has not escaped the attention of lawyers eager to make their mark on what could prove to be the largest class action suit in history. “Unplanned pregnancies that may result as a consequence of this mistake are just the tip of the iceberg,” said legal consultant Maxine Bleedom, former partner in nationally known personal injury law firm Bleedom, Drye & Rhunn. “This is huge, and I want in on it.”

Filip-Ashher Pharmaceuticals is taking necessary steps to address all potential cases individually. Anyone who has a prescription for Estroblokitol, as well as anyone who has taken any generic or dollar-store brand of aspirin, are urged to direct questions and concerns to the company’s nationwide toll-free hotline, at 888-276-6760 to obtain a case number and entry into a confidential nationwide database.

76-Year Old Grandmother Arrested For Phone Hacking

Posted on January 4, 2015 by DvanL

PEORIA, Illinois –

Imagine Mavis Thompson’s surprise when on Christmas Eve, two uniformed police officers showed up on the mild-mannered grandmother’s doorstep with a warrant for her arrest.

“I thought the policemen had the wrong address,” said Thompson, “but there was my name right there and in big letters, and the paper said ARREST WARRANT.”

“We had to take her in,” said Officer Mark Macon. “We got several sworn complaints that she was making aggravated, inappropriate, and indecent phone calls which were recorded by other parties.”

Thompson suffers from chronic post nasal drip, accompanied by a persistent, hacking cough. “It’s bad,” she said. “I’ve had it for years and I call the drugstore for my new prescription. The police said that’s how it started. It was that neighbor lady’s daughter who was the ringleader. She’s into the gothic faith that kids are following now – devil worship it looks like to me, with all the black eye makeup.”

Indeed, upon further investigation, it was “that neighbor lady’s daughter,” ‘River O. Darkniss,’ née Louise Hicks, who had concocted a scheme where she and her goth friends filed several complaints, alleging Thompson had made repeated threatening and inappropriate phone calls to different local businesses.

“These kids were cruel,” said Officer Macon. They called up Mrs. Thompson and recorded her voice, and made a prank sound board. They added in her coughing sounds so we’d know it was her. Everybody knows she’s a hacker – I mean a cougher – but this was just plain mean.”

The re-edited sound mash-ups were convincing enough for authorities to seek Thompson’s arrest. The computer whiz kids managed to turn innocent conversation into highly inappropriate language by editing recorded conversations with Thompson.

“I really want something for my throat, *cough* and I don’t know when I’ll be able to get back down that way in town there to pick it up; can you do that for me please and get back to me?” was a mild enough question that the teens turned into dirty remarks.

“I really want something to get down in my throat, *cough* I want to get it down there, way back down in my throat, please *cough* really get it in way down in there, *cough cough* I want a pick up, can you do me please, do me, really do me back there, please do me way down back there *cough* in my *cough cough* throat.”

“Things like that were just very inappropriate from an older person,” said Macon, so we started to suspect foul play. “Once we found out what was going on, we released her and arrested the kids.”

“It was terrible, and I’m glad it’s over,” said Thompson. “I don’t use that drug store anymore even though they apologized, but I can’t show my face there. Forgive and forget, and I’m trying, but now I always watch what I say on the phone. I certainly don’t want to pull anymore boners like that.”

Harvard Study Suggests Frequent Use Of Contact Lenses May Increase Cancer Risks

Posted on January 3, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –

A recent medical science study conducted at prestigious Harvard University has revealed an alarming statistic. Those who wear contact lenses on a daily basis are fifteen-times more likely to develop various types of cancer.

The study, led by Harvard professor, Dr. Carmine Altmann, uncovered the shocking statistic during a five-year research program which correlated the use of materials cancer victims come into contact with on a daily basis in relation to the severity of their disease. Dr. Altmann says that the study, which is currently in its fourth year, has discovered that one personal item tends to stick out like a sore thumb – contact lenses.

“Unfortunately numbers do not lie. This is both a major cause for concern as well as a significant medical breakthrough,” Altmann said. “There are two types of contact lenses which the visually impaired use: soft contact lenses, which are made of soft, flexible plastics that allow oxygen to pass through to the cornea, and Rigid Gas Permeable contact lenses, which are made up of a more durable plastic and are resistant to deposit buildup, and generally give a clearer, crisper vision. It is my educated guess the culprit are the types of plastics used to manufacture the contact lenses.”

For several years, scientists and environmentalist have found plastic materials, which are used for just about everything, to be very questionable in their relations to both human health and the environment.

Environmental safety scientist Charles James Epperson says he is not surprised by the results which Altmann’s group discovered. “I’ve been saying for years that the human race relies too much on various types of plastics. Plastics disguise their toxicity very well and it takes years of exposure to find any kind of effect on the human body or environment. We need to focus more studies on alternative forms of durable, comfortable materials for product manufacturing.”

The study, which has continued as the new year begins, has also begun looking into plastics that may cause cancer in other parts of the body, including cheap hairpieces that cause scalp cancer, certain sneakers which could cause foot cancer, and the possibility of plastic shopping bags leading to finger and hand cancers.

Carbonated Beverages Destroy Ozone Layer, Say Experts

Posted on January 1, 2015 by DvanL

STANFORD, California –

There’s nothing worse than a “flat” soda, but according to experts from California’s Stanford Woods Institute for the Environment, the familiar hiss of a can or bottle when opened translates into increased depletion of the Earth’s protective ozone layer. Holes in the ozone layer mean more exposure to ultraviolet light, which translates into increased risk of sunburn, skin cancer, and heat stroke related injuries.

“Over 2 billion cans and bottles of carbonated beverages are opened worldwide each day, exposing us all to dangerous levels of exposure to ultraviolet light,” says atmospheric expert Dr. Althea Thoone. “It’s fascinating that a simple, everyday act can have such a negative wide-ranging impact; however, small changes in our daily activity will help lessen the danger.”

Thoone’s groundbreaking study is the result of more than five-year’s analysis of university based surveys. The professor chose a university-based population because of the high number of carbonated beverages consumed, as compared against the national average. College and university populations consume carbonated beverages up to seven times greater than the national average.

Besides the environmental hazards, health effects of carbonated beverages – which can contain as much as 12 teaspoons of sugar in a 12-ounce serving – can be measured in increased rates of diabetes, hypertension, and heart disease.

“Obviously fewer cases of heart disease, diabetes and skin cancer mean good news for everyone,” added Thoone. “We must also take into account the negative effects of carbon dioxide released when you burp. Multiply the effects of human digestion by 3 billion, and then apply that to the environment, and you’ve got a huge issue, similar to that of the methane problem we have caused by farting cows.”

Soft drink container recycling also negatively contributes to the thinning of the Earth’s protective layer. Fossil fuels used to transport cans and bottles to recycling plants, not to mention the operation of the plants themselves, produce a domino effect. “If we can reduce our intake of carbonated soft drinks by 10 percent,” says Thoone, “the long range benefits for our planet will be immeasurable, in a good way. Unless we cut back on our consumption, we’re headed for a catastrophe.”

No word yet from soft drink manufacturers who will undoubtedly disagree with reduced soft drink consumption, but for now, you may want keep the sunscreen handy the next time you “pop that top.”

Eighth Grade Teacher Suspended For Teaching Students Oral Sex Techniques Using Cucumbers

Posted on December 31, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

SEATTLE, Washington –

An eighth grade teacher in Seattle, Washington is under massive scrutiny, and in some cases, praise, after teaching female students how to perform oral sex using cucumbers. Many male students observed, as well as several other teachers from the school.

Michelle Johanson, 28, a health teacher at Jameson Middle School in the North Central Seattle neighborhood of Wallingford, reportedly taught students who volunteered to stay after school how to properly perform oral sex on a male as she demonstrated while using a cucumber. Johanson also provided female students with cucumbers of their own as she demonstrated the act as several male students and teachers, observed the innovative teaching technique.

As can be imagined, several parents were outraged when their daughters came home excitedly to show their parents what they learned at school that day. Rebecca McDougal, whose 13-year-old daughter is a student in Johanson’s class, told The Seattle Observer that her daughter came directly home and showed her what she had learned by grabbing a some vegetables from the refrigerator and practicing.

“I could not believe it, she knew how to do things I never learned to do. Not to mention the size of the cucumber Ms. Johanson gave her – it was certainly bigger than any penis I’ve ever had. Definitely bigger than Becca’s dad. It’s pretty sad when your 13-year-old daughter teaches you how to do what you never could,” McDougal said. “I mean Ms. Johanson should at least show her male students how to perform oral sex on females while she is at it.”

Not all parents were outraged however, such as William Ragsdale, who’s 12-year-old daughter was one of the students Johanson taught the act to. “I think it’s a great thing. Women usually don’t really learn how to do it right until their mid-thirties, at least. That’s what I’ve found from experience, anyway. At least now my little girl will have a head start” Ragsdale said. “I commend Ms. Johanson for her ballsy approach.”

After being reviewed by the Washington State Board of Education, it has been declared that Michelle Johanson will not face any possibility of termination. In fact, by showing initiative, the board is contemplating reviewing its stance on sexual education and considering teaching both female and male students how to properly perform oral sex. Johanson was suspended one week with pay to avoid any unwanted confrontations. She is expected to return to her classroom by next Monday.

Johanson has not come forward to speak with media as of yet, as she was reportedly advised by her teacher’s union representative to keep her mouth plugged for the time being.

Government To Reduce Food Stamp Allowance Of Overweight Recipients

Posted on December 29, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP), which Americans commonly refer to as the ‘Food Stamp Program’, has voted to reduce the monthly allowance of obese welfare recipients, according to body weight according to SNAP spokesperson Winston C. Douglas in an announcement earlier today.

Douglas said that after a vote was brought to the SNAP board of directors, that the group voted unanimously in support of the proposed measure in an attempt to fight obesity in the United States.

“An alarming statistic was brought to the board which stated that over fifty-percent of SNAP benefit recipients are grossly overweight, many of which are clinically considered obese. This, of course is major cause for concern with how the program is operated” Douglas said.

All SNAP recipients, including all who live in the household, will be ordered to take a physical as part of the new plan. Depending on results, funding could be drastically reduced for those who are overweight. A measure many suggest is long overdue, including New Jersey governor Chris Christie.

“I have to work in order to overeat,” the hefty governor said when asked about the new measure. “It’s a problem when the government is giving people money to sit on their lazy butts and just eat all day. It is about time something is done about this plague of people abusing the accessibility of welfare benefits.”

There are also those who think it is highly inappropriate to require welfare recipients to take a physical in order to receive their monthly allowance, such as Shantae Johnson, 32, of Cleveland, Ohio.

“Who the hell they think they are? Just because we poor means we can’t be fat? I think it’s wrong, and we deserve to get what is owed to us no matter how we look! People pay taxes for us to have that money to get whatever food we damn well please,” Johnson said angrily. “This is an outrage and we not gonna put up with the harassment! I don’t see them harassing rich people who are fat!”