Food Scientist, Medical Doctors Slam Gluten-Free Diet Fad

USDA Warning- Gluten-Free Diets Cause Cancer

SAN ANTONIO, Texas –

A new craze in the United States is gluten-free food items. Over the last few years, gluten-free items have been popping up left and right, and you can’t go to almost any food establishment without running into a menu item that is completely 100% gluten-free. Some people claim that they are so allergic to gluten that it can have the same effects on them as a peanut could to a person with a nut allergy.

In the day and age we live in there are so many different types of diets, supplements, and healthier food items out there it makes you wonder how people survived 60 years ago. With time we have learned that some people are allergic to certain foods such as shell-fish, peanuts, etc, and these allergies can be so serious as to cause death.

A scientist in San Antonio, Texas has found through testing, though, that this is not the case when it comes to gluten.

“I have done endless tests and examination on people who claim to be allergic to gluten,” said food scientist Dr. Phillip Ray. “I did test such as giving my subjects gluten and telling them I didn’t, and nothing ever happened. The funny thing is, when I gave my subject something without gluten, and claimed that it was not gluten-free, that is when they began to have reaction symptoms. I believe that it is all a mental complex, otherwise known as “stupidity,” and people want to believe they are being harmed by something that isn’t hurting them in the slightest. In fact, in case you weren’t aware, most people need gluten in their diets.”

So far, Dr. Ray is the only medical professional to try and make his theory known, publishing it in medical journals and securing spots on daytime talk shows, although most of his claims have already been backed up by medical science ages ago.

“Going ‘gluten-free’ in your diet has absolutely no health or diet benefits, and is a fad that has become commonplace, but really has no merit in the world of dieting,” said Dr. Joe Goldsmith, a specialist in allergies and disease. “Most people who lose weight on a gluten-free diet are only doing so because they are normally cutting out breads, wheats, and pastas – things that can, in large portions, cause an unhealthy weight. On the opposing end, though, unless you are extremely careful, a gluten-free diet will lack vitamins, minerals, and fibers your body needs.”

“If you don’t have celiac disease, eat your damn gluten,” said Dr. Ray. “You’re just making yourself look stupid when you go out to a restaurant and ask for a gluten-free menu. The waitress knows you don’t have celiac disease. The kitchen staff knows that you’re just being a picky bitch. You don’t have a wheat allergy. You’re just pretentious. You stop that nonsense immediately.”

Bodies Of Over 300 Babies Found In Arizona Landfill

GREASEWOOD, Arizona – bodies of over 300 babies found in arizona landfill

The small town of Greasewood in northeastern Arizona has been shaken to its core this morning, after news broke that a local planned parenthood facility had been illegally dumping late-term aborted fetuses in the city’s landfill, which borders the clinic property.

Police were called to the Dayglo Planned Parenthood Clinic after workers on a nearby construction site saw clinic workers bringing small, plastic bags out into the yard several times a day and burying them in the trash and dirt.

“At first we thought it was just their regular trash,” said Aaron Shaw, an employee of Marshall Construction, the company working on the building next to Dayglo. “After awhile, we realized that almost every time a girl went in the front door, a small plastic package came out the back. It didn’t take much after that to put the pieces together.”

Medical examiners and police officials have been exhuming the remains of what has already been calculated is at least 300 babies since early this morning, and estimates are that there may be as many as 500 bodies buried in the landfill.

“This is truly the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in all my years on the force,” said José Orfebre, captain of the Greasewood Police Department. “I came here with my family when I was just a little boy, and I thought I’d seen the last of this kind of sickness when I left Mexico. It’s really just disgusting what these people have done.”

Arizona has laws preventing late-term, third-trimester abortions, but as is the case in many other states, there are unscrupulous doctors who will knowingly endanger their patients for the right amount of money. Greasewood is a small town, with a population of only about 600 people. Investigators have determined that women and girls from the surrounding towns were going to Dayglo after word spread that they would perform the abortions, no questions asked, for $300 cash.

“I was just performing a necessary service for these women,” said Dr. Michael Smith. “I had a girl come to me several years ago who had tried to literally perform an abortion on herself with a coat hanger. She was lucky that she didn’t injure herself worse than she had. At that point, I knew that I had to do something for the girls of Arizona.”

policebabies2
The search continued Saturday afternoon through the Greasewood, AZ landfill for more remains of babies aborted at the Dayglo Clinic

Police arrested Dr. Smith and three other people from the Dayglo clinic, including two nurses and a receptionist. All four people are considered to have had first-hand knowledge of the illegal procedures being performed.

Authorities believe, based on the decomposition of several of the bodies pulled from that landfill, that Dr. Smith had been performing abortions illegally at his clinic for at least 6 years. He is being charged with medical malpractice and felonious abortion.

 

Daughter Forced To Get ‘Tramp-Stamp’ Tattoo of Dad’s Face; Sues for Removal Costs

RICHMOND, Virginia – Daughter Gets Tramp-Stamp Tattoo of Dad’s Face Sues for Removal Costs

Daddy’s little girl is now old enough to sue. 19-year-old Tiffany Kendell is suing her father, Jeff Kendell, for laser tattoo-removal costs plus $5,000 pain and suffering. Three years ago, Tiffany’s father convinced her to get a portrait of his face tattooed so he would always be with her.

“It’s on my lower back. At first, I thought, okay – I won’t have to look at it, but now I can’t wear a bikini without my dad like, staring at my friends. It really creeps guys out and my dating life is non-existent,” said Tiffany.

Jeff’s bitter ex-wife, Rebecca Kendell-Jackson, is paying for her daughter’s attorney and plans to drag Jeff through the mud.

“When I saw it I thought, ‘this is sick.’ People are going to think there’s something perverted going on,” said Kendell-Jackson.

According to Tiffany’s lawsuit, her father bribed her into getting the portrait of his face on her lower back in exchange for a pink 2009 Chrysler Sebring Convertible. At 16, she was too young to get a tattoo in their home state of Virginia without parental consent, so her father accompanied her. Because of this fact, the artist who did the tattoo is not being named in the lawsuit.

Tiffany’s lawyer, Tom Twain, says at age 16, “Ms. Kendell didn’t understand the implications of this tattoo. Forever is forever, and this isn’t a little butterfly we’re taking about. Mr. Kendell was abusive and negligent, and he should be responsible for fixing his parenting mistakes.”

“He not only bribed me with a car, he threatened to like, follow me and my friends around until I was thirty if I didn’t get it done,” said Tiffany. “Plus my car got totaled, so it’s not even fair. I don’t have that car anymore, but I still have this stupid tattoo. It’s humiliating, and I just want it off.”

Jeff Kendell argues that he was just trying to be a loving father and a good dad.

“I’m a good father. I just wanted to protect her. If she hadn’t crashed her car while texting, I bet there wouldn’t be an issue at all right now. What’s the big deal, anyway? I’d get a tattoo of my daughter ‘s beautiful face anywhere she wants. Fair is fair.”

When asked if he was concerned Tiffany would never be able to do it doggy-style with any of her future boyfriends, Jeff said ”The right kind of man won’t be turned off by a little tattoo, but hey – Wait, that’s my daughter you’re talking about!”

Local Teenager Grows Poor Excuse For A Mustache, Thinks He’s Ron Swanson

SHREVEPORT, Louisiana –  teenager grows mustache thinks hes ron swanson

Local 16-year-old Trevor McKenzie has recently realized he can grow the slightest bit of facial hair on his upper lip, and so he has not shaved in two months. Despite looking utterly ridiculous, McKenzie apparently thinks he’s Godd— Ron Swanson or something.

It is not known if McKenzie was inspired by the hilariously-manly Ron Swanson, played by Nick Offerman on the NBC sitcom Parks and Recreation. It’s just as possible that McKenzie may have seen too many reruns of Magnum P.I. featuring Tom Selleck, or maybe in history class he was influenced by black-and-white photographs of the mustachioed presidents of old, such as Theodore Roosevelt or William Howard Taft. What is known is that McKenzie’s “mustache” is terribly thin and horribly prepubescent, and should be shaved off immediately to show respect to the aforementioned all-time great lip ticklers.

McKenzie seems completely unaware that rather than impressing friends or attracting girls, which seems to be his intention, his “mustache” serves only as a subject of ridicule. When confronted with this teasing, McKenzie dismisses the unpopularity of his ‘stache as thinly-veiled jealousy. Sadly, the reality is that most high school students, despite being ignorant in most aspects of life, have enough sense to not grow a mustache if they can’t do so properly. Deep down, McKenzie must surely be aware that his poor excuse of a mustache is an embarrassment to him and his family.

We all know that history is doomed to repeat itself. We can extrapolate from previous trends that McKenzie will shave off his near-translucent mustache in a few weeks and regret that it ever took residence on his face, only to grow a half-ass goatee in his freshman year of college.

Colorado Becomes First State To Legalize Crystal Meth

DENVER, Colorado – empire-news-colorado-becomes-first-state-to-legalize-crystal-meth

Colorado has been in the news all year for being the first state to legalize marijuana for recreational use, and it looks as though the state is at it again, but this time with a different, and slightly more controversial, drug. The Colorado state legislature has decided to legalize the street drug crystal meth.

Crystal meth is a highly addictive drug that send millions to rehab or to their deaths each year. Meth has been around for years, but became extremely popular after the Showtime TV series Breaking Bad hit the air. While producers only cared about the show brining in huge ratings, everyone ignored the fact that it was also brining in thousands and thousands of new users to the drug. Local venders have been selling the drug for medical purposes in Colorado for a few days, and claim that it has plenty of medical benefits  when used the right way.

“If you are a lazy natured person, meth can give you that boost coffee can’t and you can get a lot done.” Said a local meth vender who wished to remain anonymous.

With the drug becoming legal in Colorado, some would ask how this may effect the sales of marijuana. Pot venders appear to be upset, while their customers couldn’t be happier about the move that the state made.

“Finally! I mean it was cool to smoke weed in the middle of the streets for about a week, but everyone knows weed is just a gateway, and I really needed them to legalize a better drug that will get me really high.” Said Boulder resident Mike Sherman.

It is unclear if this bill will stay in place for long, as opposing parties are already trying to tear it down. Politicians behind it are claiming it is simply a supply-and-demand issue.

“If they want people to not buy drugs legally, then for crying out loud they should shut down every Starbucks in the United States.” Said Colorado representative John Spector (D). “Marijuana, meth – what’s the difference? The revenue the state is bringing in, it’s astronomical. Health is one thing, but we’re talking about money here.”

L.A. Hipsters Start Pop-Up Food Tent, Serve Old Food From Trash

SILVER LAKE, California – empire-news-hipsters-open-food-tent-using-old-trash-food-los-angeles

All across the nation, it has become more and more evident that a “hipster culture” has reached epic proportions.  Young people who want to proclaim their individuality and separate themselves from mainstream society choose to conform to the ever-so-popular hipster way of life; a culture that holds firm beliefs on many things, including and especially food and drink.

Dining on all-natural, organic gourmet, the majority of hipsters consider themselves “foodies,” and many follow strict vegetarian, if not vegan, diets. While eating organic can be a path to healthier living, it is often drastically more expensive due to the absence of chemicals, hormones, pesticides, preservatives, and the costs of maintaining a higher standard of living conditions for livestock.

A young man recently set out to tackle the food issue plaguing both him, his girlfriend, and their small circle of other hipster friends.

“It’s real tough, ya know? A pair of Birks [Birkenstock sandals] can run you anywhere from $70-$120. And eating organic is the only way, man. It’s just the right way to live, ya know? But it’s like, really, really expensive, right?” says Tate Lane, founder of “Not Too (res)Old Organic,” a new pop-up food tent in Los Angeles’ Silver Lake neighborhood. Lane is a professional finger painter and estimates that before his food tent took Silver Lake by storm, he was making roughly $50 a week between selling his art and picking up odd jobs. “I just wasn’t making enough money. But money isn’t important to me. I want to make that clear.”

Legally, once something is thrown away and taken to the curb or sidewalk to be picked up, it is no longer considered private property, and there is no expectation to privacy or ownership of any item that was discarded. While many cities have enacted stricter laws and heavier fines to deter dumpster diving, Los Angeles has yet to do so.

“I was walking past an organic gourmet market one night with my girl, and we watched them throw out bags upon bags of food. She dared me to eat something from [the trash] and I never turn down a dare. I opened up a bag, and to my surprise, there was plenty of food that was, in my opinion, totally good. Some of it was unopened!  I couldn’t justify all of this gourmet, organic food going to waste! I filled up my backpack and had a feast when I got home. That’s when I came up with my food tent idea.”

Lane and his girlfriend/partner Miranda Zimmerman (who he met at a Starbucks where Zimmerman worked as a barista) stay within legal bounds by searching through discarded bags at high-end, organic markets in their city the night before, and giving away their findings at their food tent; accepting donations only to avoid complicated rules and regulations attached to food sales.

Business is going well for the hip pair that’s paired at the hip. “I’m with my girl all day, everyday, ya know? We have the most popular food tent, and we always sell out. It’s the tits.” says Lane.

“We offer an innovative, affordable way of accessing the healthiest, high-end foods in addition to eliminating unnecessary waste. I guess we’re living the dream.” Comments Miranda, appearing to be the brains behind this operation.

 

Kentucky Town Funds Private School With After-Hours Pole Dancing Classes

BARBOURVILLE, Kentucky –

Barbourville, KY is in one of the most financially strapped school districts in America. With most families having a median income well below the national poverty line, public schools in this district suffer greatly and so do the students. It’s hard to imagine that a private elementary school would pop up on the map in an area riddled with such economic despair, but despite the city’s money troubles, Beam Elementary, a private school for children in first through fifth grade, opened up its doors four years ago and is thriving in the small community. Originally the school was held in one single-wide trailer. Today, the school is much larger, and consists of 4 double-wide trailers  plus the original single-wide.

Education is a major issue in today’s society. With wealthier communities comes better school districts, proven through higher test scores and the number of graduates these schools produce. The opposite holds true for poorer communities.  Public schools receive local funding and a portion of property tax revenues, while private schools are privately funded through tuition and fundraising by the parents. It is a common belief that private schools offer better education to students than public schools can, but this isn’t always true. However, private schools tend to have greater amenities available to students. Private schools often employ higher paid teachers, and have smaller class sizes. These are just some of the contributing factors that may make a private education seem more advantageous than a public education.

“We want our children to have access to proper education. I want my child to have a chance at a good life, and to get the hell out of this poverty-stricken [expletive]-hole.” says Lindsay Fuller, a mother of eight, with two more on the way. Rightfully, she wants her children to have an opportunity to receive the best education around. Six of her children are enrolled at Beam Elementary.

With financing being an obvious hurdle, the mothers of the community gathered together to brainstorm a way to raise money for the school. What they came up with, though, has caused a divide in the community over the last few years. The majority of the school is financed through revenue raised from pole dancing classes held in the school cafeteria after classes end and on the weekends.

“This a privately funded school. I don’t see why we can’t have fun, learning how to show off our privates in order to fund it. These haters are just jealous ’cause our kids are gettin’ better educated then they’s kids.” states Brittany Dunes, a mother of 3 Beam school children, and an avid attender of the pole dancing classes.

Mary Bethlems, who has a son in the public school system, is on the opposing side of the argument. She expresses her concerns to anyone who will listen, often holding one-woman pickets outside Beam on nights when they are using it for the classes.

“It’s just not right. God says it’s not right. The Bible says it’s not right. These are God’s babies! We shouldn’t be teachin’ them in the same place where this devil nonsense is happenin’! What kind of example is this settin’? What kind of lessons are they bein’ taught?! I wonder…”

While school facilities are commonly used for exercise classes across the nation, this is the first in the country that has kept their doors open through funds in any way related to sexual activity.

“There aren’t really any laws in place that constitute what is allowed and what isn’t, I don’t think. I heard that pole dancin’ classes is really becomin’ a popular sport. I get the concerns people is havin’, but I also hear the need for better schoolin’ ’round here. And this is the best school we got.” Said Louise Ross, principal at Beam Elementary. “These kids, they need a good education, and if their moms be wantin’ to learn to take off they clothes and rub they selves all over that pole in order to give they kids the smarts they never had, then why would anyone care?

California Waitress Asked To ‘Provide Proof’ She Was Menstruating In Order To Leave Work Early

PLAYA VISTA, California – empire-news-california-waitress-asked-to-prove-she-is-menstruating-before-being-allowed-to-go-home

Almost everyone has had to leave work early at one time or another, however for Andrea Greene, a 19-year-old waitress at The Red Oyster in Playa Vista, California, her management staff not only accused her of lying to leave early, but also demanded proof when Ms. Greene said that she was experiencing sickness due to her menstruation.

According to Ms. Greene, she arrived for her shift as scheduled on the 4th of July, eager to make some holiday money.

“I always like to work holidays, especially the 4th of July and St. Patrick’s Day. People always drink a lot, and tip me really big,” Said Andrea. “But in the middle of my shift, I started feeling sick, and I knew my period was coming on strong. I was the only female staff member scheduled that day, and the tampon dispenser in the restrooms has been broken for months.”

Andrea asked her coworker to cover her tables while she tried to assess her situation.

“I tried to, um, clean up, but it had already soaked my panties, and I was really starting to feel extra sick. I put toilet paper in my underwear, but I had a really long night ahead of me. I had to cut my losses on a big night of tips and try to go home early,” said Grenne.

Ms. Greene went to Alex Figueroa, her general manager, and asked that she be “cut”, which is the term used in the service industry meaning that she wouldn’t have anyone else sat at her tables, and after she finished her regular duties, she could go home.

Ms. Greene claims that her boss would not listen to her, and refused to relieve her, calling her a liar and mocking her,  citing the ‘heavy flow’ of holiday diners.

“I seriously needed to go home. I was almost bleeding through my pants. I was so uncomfortable, I decided to go over Alex’s head and speak with our executive chef, hoping he would understand. I figured that it had to be a health violation or something,” said Greene.

Despite her embarrassment, Ms. Greene went to speak with Thomas Roberts, The Red Oyster’s Execute Chef. She explained her situation to Roberts, who assumed she was just lying to get out of work so she could go party with her friends.

“He laughed in my face and told me I’d have to ‘come up with a better excuse than that’ if I wanted to go party. Then he told everyone I was on my period. I was mortified,” said Andrea. “I started to cry and told him I wasn’t lying and that this was an emergency, and that I really needed to go home. What he said after nearly made my jaw hit the floor.”

Ms. Greene claims that after ridiculing her and mocking her, Roberts told her that if she wanted to go home, she’d have to prove that she was, in fact, on her period.

“[Roberts] said that I either needed to pull down my pants and prove it, or I could just ‘hand over my bloody toilet paper and then be gone,’ which he said in a weird pirate accent. The entire kitchen staff was laughing hysterically at me. I couldn’t believe what this man just asked me to do, how he embarrassed me. I didn’t know how to handle the situation.”

Andrea states she ran out of the kitchen and called her mother, who instructed her to leave immediately and that she would help her with bills until she found another job. With her mother’s support, Andrea plans to file a lawsuit against chef Roberts, her manager, and The Red Oyster.

Figueroa thinks Andrea is blowing the entire situation out of proportion, and that no one mistreated her at all.

“Andrea has quite an imagination. There was no mistreatment of her by me or anyone on my staff. Her story is complete fabrication. I was never informed she was feeling ill at all – she just threw her apron down on the bar and ran out of the restaurant. She’s a young, needy girl searching for attention, and that’s all I care to comment pending any sort of litigation. I’d just like to mention, though, that The Red Oyster is open late, we’re affordable, and we’ve always got crabs. It’s the perfect dining destination for any occasion! Call today to make a reservation!”

Hobby Lobby Says No To Contraception, Yes To Suicide

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Hobby Lobby Says No To Contraception, Yes To Suicide Empire News

In a case that has millions divided, the Supreme Court made a decision recently in Hobby Lobby v. Burwell, ruling that the Hobby Lobby corporation has the right, due to the company’s sternly held religious beliefs, not to cover the acts of abortion or any sort of contraception to their employees via their offered insurance plans.

“The arguments have been made, and so has the decision.” Says Hobby Lobby CEO David Green.  “We believe that a women’s body is the property of the Almighty, and if he wants them to be pregnant, who are we to say differently?”

“This is an extremely big win for us, and for God Himself.” Says Ryan Silver, a representative for Hobby Lobby.  “Any form of birth control or an abortion are abominations unto God.  People really need to lay off this ‘women’s rights’ crap.  It seems that nowadays women feel like they should be treated as equally as men, and that is just wrong according to God Himself!”

Curiously, there are several things included in the coverage for Hobby Lobby employees that would rarely, if ever, be covered under any normal insurance plan.

“Upon review of the Hobby Lobby’s documentation from their insurance, there are a lot of, shall we say, abnormalities?” Says Mark Bertollini, CEO of Aetna Insurance.  “There are clauses in the fine print that enable someone be covered for self-euthanization. So if you work for Hobby Lobby and want to kill yourself, which is a definite possibility, you are covered. Don’t forget to get their life insurance policy as well, though, so your family can get some of your sweet death cash.”

“We know that suicide is a Hell-worthy trespass, but for the people who want to do it, there is no saving them anyway.  We feel that just because an employee wants to die and burn in eternal damnation, their family shouldn’t suffer for their own problems.  Killing yourself is one thing, but abortion is an entirely different matter. If you want an abortion, you better believe that God has a plan for that unborn, undeveloped egg-cell, and I will do anything in my power to make sure His will be done.”

Other things that are covered in the Hobby Lobby employee insurance plans include ‘Acts of God,’ and ‘Personal Injury or Death Due to Rapture.’ As of the ruling date, anyone who works for Hobby Lobby will be forced to either procure their condoms or birth control by paying out-of-pocket, or be forced to use the tried-and-true method of ‘pulling out’ to avoid unwanted pregnancy.

 

Researchers Find Chemical In Doritos Linked To Male Impotence

empire-doritos-impotence-chemicals-scienceSTOCKHOLM — Swedish Researchers at the University of Stockholm released a startling report to their Parliament over the weekend linking popular american brand tortilla chip, Doritos to male impotence and a negative birthrate in Sweden.

The mega-popular snack commonly consumed during televised sporting events, bar-b-cues, parties, and all night video game binges is linked in the report to massive libido disfunction in cows and men who consume the salty corn snacks four times a week or more.

Research for this discovery commenced after mature Guernsey bulls living on the University’s dairy inadvertently consumed two hundred pounds of expired Doritos product set aside for the school farm’s hogs.

 Doctor Adrian Blondell, an endocrinologist overseeing artificial insemination operations, knew something was wrong when the big fellas didn’t deliver. The collection process which normally drives young bulls crazy made them eventually sit down on the job out of presumed boredom.

“It was absolutely bizarre, dozens of healthy bulls acting  like they had been snipped.”   Blondell reported.

Alarmed and amazed by the phenomenon, Dr. Blondell ordered immediate analysis of the bulls manure and head-to-tail physicals. All tests indicated a massive drop in testosterone production…levels equal to that of a steer (A bull that sings soprano).

Mass spectrometry technicians in the lab found metabolized compounds consisting mostly of Dorito chip additives, including RED 40 and MonoSodiumGlutamate (MSG) to be the culprit in the bulls sudden lack of ambition.

The delicious, saliva-stimulating gooey paste covering each tortilla chip eventually plugged up testosterone receptor sites in the bull’s testicles, rendering them useless.

Anybody that has ever eaten handfuls of tasty Doritos chips easily recognizes the gooey paste left behind on their fingers. Dr. Blondell wondered if Swedish men are similarly affected. She theorized that men frequently consume the most gooey paste during televised sporting events and set out to prove it.

During weekend games, off campus observers confirmed most single men, instead of getting up to wash their hands or grab a napkin, opt to lick their fingers clean of the Doritos gooey paste before grabbing another beer or thumbing the television remote. Some literarily scrape it off with their teeth.

 It was good news for the bulls that their new eunuch condition wasn’t permanent. A return to their normal diet restored their fitness, ambition, and testosterone levels, but Blondell’s startling discovery was enough for Sweden’s Parliament members to place a national import ban on Doritos and certain snack chips beginning next year to combat Sweden’s already declining birth rate citing a possible correlation.

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