Hot Dogs Being Reevaluated by FDA As Possible Unsafe Food Item

Posted on May 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Multiple studies have determined that consumption of hot dogs can be a risk factor for childhood cancer, and now Dr. Roger Peters, head of food safety and science at UCLA is working with the FDA to determine whether or not hot dogs are safe for any consumption.

Peters studied the relationship between the intake of certain foods and the risk of leukemia in children from birth to age 10 in Los Angeles County between 1980 and 1987. The study found that children who ate more than twelve hot dogs per month had nine times the normal risk of developing childhood leukemia.

When he continued the study into adulthood, he found that nearly every single person that he tested had eaten a hot dog at least once in their life, and also had cancer.

“I believe that hot dogs are dangerous. They’re disgusting to taste, horrible to cook, and if you saw how they were made, you’d know never to eat them,” said Peters. “The fact that they cause cancer makes them even worse.”

Peters’ study will be published later this year in the Diary of Modern Medicine.

Teen Arrested For Threatening To Kill Parents After They Confiscate His Marijuana

Posted on May 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRIDGETON, Delaware –

An 18 year old high school senior, Jack Cloutier, was arrested at his school, Madison Sr. High, after his parents filed criminal charges against him. He has been accused of telling his parents he would kill them, after they found and confiscated marijuana from his room and refused to return in.

“First he started dressing in all black. Then his grades started falling. His face began breaking out, and before we knew it he was lashing out at me and his father,” said Mary Cloutier, Jack’s mother. “Of course we knew he must be on drugs, because nothing else could turn out sweet baby boy into such a monster.”

Jack was being held on charges of attempted assault and criminal threatening. His parents say that they refused to return his marijuana because they had smoked it all themselves.

Sunscreen Is Causing People To Contract Cancer At Alarming Rates

Posted on May 23, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Lawyers are rushing to buy ad space to alert people of the opportunity to sue sunscreen manufacturers. According to recent research released by the FDA sunblock is causing cancer. Experts, like Dr. Oz say they warned consumers years ago. “You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t,” says Dr. Oz. “It’s either skin cancer or prostate and ovarian cancer. You can’t win.”

A legitimate doctor, Arthur Perry, M.D. explains how sunscreens cause cancer, “Chemical sunscreens don’t sit on the surface of the skin – they soak into it and quickly find their way into the bloodstream. That would be just fine if they were uniformly safe – but they’re not. There are 17 individual sunscreen ingredients that are FDA approved: 15 of these are clear chemicals that absorb UV light and two are made of minerals that reflect UV light. Of these 15, nine are known endocrine disruptors.

“The hormones most commonly disturbed are estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, and thyroid. Endocrine disruptors, like some ingredients in chemical sunscreens, can cause abnormal development of fetuses and growing children. They cause early puberty and premature breast development in girls, and small and undescended testicles in boys. They cause low sperm counts and infertility. Endocrine disruptors that act like estrogen can contribute to the development of breast and ovarian cancers in women, and other endocrine disruptors may increase the chance of prostate cancer in men.”

Attorney, Dave Mallard does not think there is enough evidence to win against sunscreen manufacturers. “It all balances out. Yes, it may cause one kind of cancer, but it prevents another. Quid pro quo.”

Fake Maple Syrup Found To Cause Cancer

Posted on May 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRIGHTON, Iowa –

A new study performed on over 200 people found that fake maple syrup, the sugary-substance that can be purchased in grocery stores around the country, is causing cancer.

The study, which followed 100 people who ate real maple syrup every day on their pancakes, and another 100 who ate fake syrup such as Aunt Jemima. The 100 who ate the real syrup all contracted diabetes, but not a single one was found to have contracted cancer after 2 years of study. Of those who ate the fake syrup, 97 were found to have cancerous cells.

“It’s extremely amazing that this fake, sugary, blackened bottles of disgusting, fake syrup could be causing cancer, but based on our research, that’s exactly what is happening,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, who headed the study. “Now, we’re not saying that fake, sugary syrup is the cause of all cancers, because that would be getting ahead of ourselves, but what we’re saying is that is not out of the realm of possibilities.”

Spa Accident Ruins Woman’s Face

Posted on May 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

RICHARDSON, Georgia –

Laysha Ward is speaking out after a spa accident ruined her face. After her mani-pedi she opted for a microdermabrasion (or natural enzyme peel) face and eye collagen mask and décolleté treatment at the recommendation of a spa employee. Ward says, “She said the treatment would deliver visible results. Well I’ll say it did.”

Ward has now started a campaign to warn people about the dangers of routine spa treatments. Friends have started a GoFundMe page, as the only good thing about a personal tragedy is squeezing sympathy money from family, friends, and strangers on the internet.

“My face is just absolutely ruined. My skin is dryer than it gets in the middle of winter. I have a date this Friday and there is no way my t-zone will recover.” While there will be no permanent disfigurement, Ward says the event was very traumatic. “I will never feel safe at the spa again. I also now have a fear of makeup counters and bukaki bars. All those perfect days I had ahead of me. That’s all over now.”

Dermatologist Jessica Toothman supports Wards campaign to warn people of the frequently overlooked risks that come with a day of pampering. “There’s just no guarantee you aren’t going to get your face burned off. Even is spas aren’t buying cheap abrasive chemicals from China, there’s always the chance you’ll be the unlucky one that has a bad reaction. Women have come to me looking like moldy watermelon after a facial. My advice is leave it at the massage.”

Girl With Cerebral Palsy Saves Brother’s Life With Heimlich Maneuver

Posted on May 18, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

Cerebral palsy is a group of problems that affect body movement and posture. It is related to a brain injury or to problems with brain development, and it is one of the most common causes of lasting disability in children. A young girl in Tucson, Arizona wasn’t hindered by her disability earlier this week, though, when she saved her brother from choking.

Melissa Jones, 8, was able to expertly perform the Heimlich maneuver on her 4-year-old brother, after seeing it performed on an episode of Dora The Explorer.

According to her parents, Melissa is obsessed with TV, and they have no idea how she learned it, nor how she was able to perform it, but they are “extremely grateful” that she was around.

“She never does anything active, so this is amazing,” said Melissa’s mom, Jennifer. “We are amazed, and we hope that she is able to continue to be active in extreme circumstances.”

Florida Conservative Group Says We Need To ‘Save The Mosquitos’

Posted on May 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

As government leaders argue over funding the Zika control effort, environmentalists in Florida are campaigning to save the mosquitos. The Florida Conservation Coalition (FCC) says the attempts to control the spread of the Zika virus by decimating the mosquito population will harm the environment.

FCC representative Matt Toole says, “Saving a few babies from a life of gross mental retardation is not worth the entire collapse of the eco system. Bats, birds, and dragon flies stand to be wiped out. And don’t get me started on fish.”

One protester, desperate to make a point, was hospitalized after covering himself in bug spray and setting himself on fire.

Most other residents of Florida could not disagree more. Swamp resident Marla Jackson says she hopes they kill every last mosquito. “If just one sweet little babe is saved, I say wipe them all out. We hate those damn bugs.”

17 Kids Die After Peanut Butter Sandwich Brought Into Kindergarten Classroom

Posted on May 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

STETSON, Michigan –

Superintendent Jamie Gross of SAD 49 in Michigan says she regrets lifting the school-wide ban on peanut butter, which had been in place for five years to make the school safe for people with peanut allergies.

“I had a lot of pressure to lift the ban, and I could not have foreseen what would happen,” she said during a recent press conference. When the ban was lifted, parents rejoiced, able to send their children to school with inexpensive peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Lunchlady Martha Serra says the kids went wild. “Most of those kids wanted peanut butter and jelly. They’d been spoiled by ham and roast beef. Sandwiches went flying. They opened them up and smeared them on the walls. Of course the kids with the allergies, they went a different kind of crazy at the sight of peanut butter. I saw one of the girls shoving sandwich after sandwich in her mouth, grabbing them out of lunchboxes, picking them up off the floor.”

17 children with peanut allergies died in the incident, and Gross says they will be reinstating the ban.

“It wasn’t so stupid after all, was it?” she said. “Next time we have a ban, please, stop protesting it and let it happen. It’s probably for a reason.”

American Psychiatric Association Officially Condones Pedophilia

Posted on April 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The American Psychiatric Association has released their latest journal, and it is causing an uproar in the psychiatric and medical communities. The APA, which is responsible for classifying and normalizing mental and sexual proclivities, has stated in their latest journal that pedophilia is a “natural, and ‘okay'” response.

“Ever since the government began its quest to “normalize” homosexuality and other perverse sexual behavior, conservatives have been saying it’s a slippery slope,” said Dr. Greg Carson of the APA. “Since children are reaching puberty earlier than ever before, sex with 11 to 14-year-olds should not be considered wrong. We found that at least a sizable minority of normal males would like to have sex with children, and normal males are aroused by children. With this information, we went ahead and published our study.”

The “Classifying Sex: Debating DSM-5” conference that happened in February in Washington featured speakers who condoned pedophilia as “natural and normal for males.” DSM-5 is short for the 5th volume of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, which classifies disorders as provided by the APA.

Lawmakers are currently deciding whether pedophilia should still be illegal, as homosexuality was also once an illegal activity, until it was later discovered – and condoned – by the APA to be part of a normal, healthy mental state.

Toddler Dies After Mother Uses Cell Phone In Emergency Room

Posted on April 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARLSON, Georgia –

A 4-year-old girl who fell and broke her leg died on Monday after her mother took a selfie in the hospital ER. The signal from the cell phone, when turned on, caused the girl’s life support system to malfunction, which lead to her death.

29-year-old Kathy Simmons said she is “confused and upset” by the incident that killed her daughter.

“When I brought Joy in, she was okay, but she had fallen and broken her leg, and it required some minor surgery to repair the bone, so she was hooked to machines that could monitor her breathing and provide pain medicine,” said Simmons. “No one told me I couldn’t use my phone in a hospital, so how was I to know? I just wanted to cheer her up by taking a picture together. Then everything sparked and the machines started to smoke!”

Doctors told Simmons that the machine that was providing a steady drip of morphine to her daughter for pain surged, causing her to take an extreme amount of the drug all at once, killing her.

“People need to know that hospitals are no place for selfies, text messages, snapchats, or phone calls,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, Joy’s doctor. “Little Joy would still be alive right now if only her mother had read the any of the hundreds of signs littered around the hospital advising people to not use their cell phones in the hospital. It’s a safety precaution, and a big one.”