Gay County Clerk Refusing To Give Straight Couples Marriage Licenses

Posted on September 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Marc Fine, a county clerk in Louisville, Kentucky, has reportedly been adamantly refusing to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, as he says it goes against his personal religious beliefs.

“I will not give any of them straights a marriage license,” said Fine in an interview with the local paper. “I think that what they do is disgusting. A penis going inside of a vagina? Natural? Please. It’s nasty, and it’s an abomination in the eyes of my personal Lord.”

Fine has been repeatedly told by his superiors that he needs to offer marriage licenses to all couples, straight or gay, but so far, Fine has refused.

“Thing of it is, no one has really complained. They just go on to another office, get their little license, and it’s all good,” said Fine. “That poor, ugly, trailer trash looking clerk woman who was arrested and put in jail should take a lesson from me. See, she wasn’t put in jail for her beliefs, she was put in jail for denying a court order, because she’s a dumbass. I haven’t gotten a court order, and until I do, I’ll keep doing my thing. If that order ever comes, well, I’ll just resign. My Lord and my principles come first.”

When asked what specific religion Fine was that allowed homosexual marriage but not straight marriage, he declined to comment.

Feds Rule #BlackLivesMatter Protestors Are ‘Gangs,’ Can Be Arrested

Posted on September 5, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The federal government ruled this morning that the hashtag #BlackLivesMatter has become a serious problem for police and law enforcement, and that agencies now have the legal right to arrest and detain people who protest as part of the movement.

“The Black Lives Matter movement started as a tag on the internet. Something that went from social media about awareness of the brutality against African-Americans, to actual, living and breathing protests in the streets, in schools, and on TV,” said senator Joe McDonald (R-Georgia.) “That can’t happen. It’s one thing for people to say something online, it’s another completely to take those feelings public, and cause problems.”

McDonald says he brought the new law to congress after he saw several black people gathered together outside a police station in his hometown of Marietta, holding signs that read #BLACKLIVESMATTER.

“It’s disgusting, really, because when it comes down to it, black lives DON’T matter – not any more than white lives, or Asian lives, or any damn lives,” said McDonald. “What we’ve got here are angry black people getting angrier and angrier each time a white cop kills some black person anywhere in the country. It’s absurd. They didn’t know that person. They have no reason to get upset. I don’t get upset when a white guy I don’t know gets killed half way across the city, let alone across the country. Because we expect violence as this keeps happening, it was time to put a stop to it.”

President Obama reportedly backed the plan to disallow the #BlackLivesMatter hashtag from being used publicly, citing the fact that too many African-American children and teens could be hurt if more riots were to break out.

“I’d rather we use a new hashtag, #NoLivesMatter, to show that no one life is more important than any other,” said President Obama. “Black lives, white lives, the lives of police and firemen. The lives of cracked-out babies born to unwed, whore mothers – they are all important, and we should have one movement uniting them all.”

Law enforcement agencies are pushing the law to go a step further, and allow them to arrest people in their local area who use the BlackLivesMatter hashtag on social media, in the same way they can currently arrest people who discuss illegal or gang activity in public forums.

Kim Davis Accidentally Issues Marriage License To Transgender Couple

Posted on September 5, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

ROWAN COUNTY, Kentucky –

Kim Davis, the woman who repeatedly refused to issue a marriage license to a gay couple and has since received national media attention, reportedly didn’t have a problem issuing other marriage licenses during the same time period, as it was recently discovered that she signed her name on the license of a transgender couple.

“She didn’t bat an eye when we walked in, and asked for a marriage license,” said Jennifer Jones, formerly Joseph Jones. “We had all of our paperwork in order, we asked, she smiled, signed it, and handed it over. It was that easy.”

“I was surprised, to be honest, that it went so smoothly,” said Jones’ husband, Marshall Rogers, formerly Michelle Rogers. “I mean, we’ve both completely transitioned from one sex to the other, and as far as anyone is concerned, I am a male, and Jennifer is female. But to be truthful, we both look like we are a bit…off. She still has a 5 o’clock shadow. I’ve still got little buds of boobs. At any rate, Ms. Davis didn’t seem to question it, and we received our marriage license with no issue. Sad, really. We kind of only did it to get in on the attention, too, and we had no problems.”

Davis, who despite being married and divorced several times, as well as having children out of wedlock, is apparently devoutly religious, to the point that she would not “sign her own name” to a marriage license of a homosexual couple. Since the massive media attention brought to her, she has been arrested and reportedly removed from her position as county clerk for violating federal laws.

“It’s a sad day, really, when a couple like us can get married and a bigot has no problems signing her name to it, but yet that nice gay couple had to go through everything they did just to have the option to get married,” said Jones. “Apparently, it’s okay to deny some gay men a marriage license, but not some trans folk like us. I guess one of those guys should have just put on a wig, and it all might have been okay.”

Missouri Police To Begin Using Drones Equipped With Guns

Posted on September 5, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

JEFFERSON CITY, Missouri –

Several police forces throughout the state of Missouri started using drones last year to assist them in investigations and searches, but a new wave of drone purchases by the state for law enforcement agencies is making some residents uneasy. Lawmakers in the state have authorized the use of drones with guns by police forces in several counties and cities, including Jefferson City, the state capitol.

“With the large amount of deaths of minorities at the hands of police, we felt this was the best way to counteract the issue,” said police chief Marlon Jones. “This way, the alleged criminal will have no way of knowing if the officer controlling the drone is black, white, Asian – it won’t matter. It also helps to keep the privacy of any officer involved in a shooting, as they will no longer be caught on video by some nosey bystander.”

State representatives say that their main concern is for the safety of police, as well as the safety of the general public.

“Drones are extremely useful, in that they can get places, see more things, search for people – do things that law enforcement just cannot do on foot or in a vehicle,” said state senator Joseph Goldsmith. “I applauded the state for allowing drone use in the first place, and this next step – attaching guns – is clearly the logical way to go. Being able to keep officers out of harm’s way, and still allowing them to shoot some black teen, er – I mean, shoot a criminal – is exactly what we need in this state. I wouldn’t be surprised if every state follows suit.”

The drones can already be seen flying through the skies of several cities and towns throughout Missouri. Other states, including Illinois, California, and New York are also considering laws that would allow police to use drones mounted with guns.

Red Lights And Stop Signs To Be Removed From United States Roadways

Posted on August 26, 2015 by JP

WASHINTGON, D.C. –

The fear of running a red light or passing through a stop sign will be shortly become something of the past. All stop signs and red lights will be removed from the United States, replaced with yield signs and yellow lights. Congress has issued a mandatory removal of any stop sign or red light to be done no later than September 30th.

“Congress feels that our American drivers should have enough confidence behind the wheel to know when to stop their vehicle,” said lawmaker Joey Goldsmith. “At this point they are calling it ‘drivers instinct’ and believe that they can save a large chunk of tax payers money by not having to continue to put up stop signals, replace missing or damaged signs, etcetera.”

It is unclear if insurance rates will go up, but it is being enforced that drivers pay closer attention to the road than before, and recommend that people spend less time texting, eating, talking, and singing along to bad pop songs, and spend more time focusing on their driving habits.

“I’m so glad that I won’t have to stop so much anymore,” said driver Billy Carson, 30. “Every day on my way home from work, I get stuck at probably 4 or 5 different red lights – and I’m only a mile from work! It’s insane. Now I’ll be able to zip on through. Look out, everyone else! I’m not stopping ever again!”

New DEA Leader Chuck Rosenberg Says Weed ‘Not As Dangerous As Heroin,’ Other Things That Are Also Stupid And Obvious

Posted on July 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Recently appointed DEA leader Chuck Rosenberg says that he won’t admit that marijuana isn’t harmful, because for some reason he “thinks it is,” but did go on record as saying that he believes it’s “probably not as dangerous as heroin.”

In his long list of things that Rosenberg presented before congress, he also mentioned that the sky is generally blue, and that bacon is delicious.

“Sex feels absolutely amazing, and a water keeps you hydrated,” said Rosenberg, presumably. “Also, the North Pole is very cold, and the number 10 follows the number 9. Cheese is made of milk, and chickens lay eggs.”

In a recent study conducted on people who smoke marijuana, 100% of the participants said they found it to be “good,” and most admitted that it was “not harmful.” Several of the people researched happened to have medical degrees and backgrounds in the study on the effects of THC on the human body. Everyone questioned seemed to think that Rosenberg may not be qualified to speak about drugs.

“Has he smoked weed? Has he tried any other drugs?” asked habitual pot smoker Bob Smith. “I mean, he can’t really go on record and talk about drugs if he hasn’t tried them, can he? I’ve never tried skydiving, so I don’t pretend to be an expert on it. I’ll start taking advice from Rosenberg on the day he comes and smokes a giant blunt with me. Then he can go before congress and tell them exactly how harmful weed really is…or isn’t.”

Kansas Fetus Hoping Abortion Legalized Before It Reaches Third Trimester

Posted on July 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

KANSAS CITY, Missouri –

A Kansas City fetus is optimistic that the state will legalize 2nd trimester abortion before it reaches its 3rd trimester. Kansas currently outlaws the dilation and evacuation (d & c) procedure necessary to abort a pregnancy in the stages in which the fetus is already developed. But there is no indication that changes to the law will come into effect within the next three months.

“Look, being born would not be the worst thing that could happen,” the not-yet-alive being told reporters. “Well, actually it is. Born becomes infant, becomes being who feels immense physical and emotional pain. I don’t wanna go through it. And I don’t have to!”

The fetus’s mother says she is a law-abiding citizen and, although she does not want this baby, she will go through with it if she can find no legal way out, and raise it as her own – which it technically is.

“I’ll have the little bugger. I can take care of it. Yes, I won’t be the most attentive mother, and it’ll grow up maladapted, but what can ya do?”

The ‘little bugger’ asserted that its plan b is to convince its mother to commit the crime so that “I don’t have to do the time. It’s not fair! It’s just not fair! I’m going to campaign, and get other fetuses on my side, and start a petition even. I’m doing everything I can to stop my life from happening.”

Pro-choice activists have been swift to join the fetus’s cause, hoping that this will serve as an example for further legislation.

“It’s usually the mothers who we’re working with, even though we’re doing what we do for those poor unborn babies. Now we have the true victim with us, we know we can win this one.”

Kansas legislators, however, show no signs of backing down. They say that, because the fetus is not yet legally an adult, its opinion does not count, and that “if we give it this, we’re eventually gonna have to let them vote.”

Fox News: Majority of Americans Support Legalization of Marijuana Dealers

Posted on July 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

For the first time, the Fox News poll found that the majority of Americans support legalization of recreational marijuana dealers. As recently as 2013, more voters were opposed than in favor, but this year’s results show a continuing shift towards acceptance of marijuana dealers in everyday life. Arguments suggesting that the relatively mild marijuana dealers are a gateway to more dangerous dealers are no longer convincing as many Americans as in the past, as more and more often, the previously maligned community is proving itself safe.

“There are those who say that pot dealers are dangerous, that they cause people to make bad decisions,” said one participant in an anonymous comments section. “But I’ve been using them for years, and they’ve never led me to dealers of hard drugs.”

Others made the comparison with the long-legal alcohol dealers, otherwise known as bartenders.

“The alcohol dealer at my local bar has caused me far more problems than any pot dealer,” said another participant. “He’s readily available and great at convincing me to do things I shouldn’t. Also, he’s been in prison for assault, while my pot dealer would never hurt a fly.”

More participants went on to talk about the mild nature of marijuana dealers.

“They’re so mellow. Most of the time they’re not gonna force you into doing anything. Alcohol dealers always force me to doing things I wouldn’t have done not under their influecne.”

One pot dealer user pointed out that the dealers he uses often make him think of insights he’d never considered.

“I’ll be sitting in a circle, with my dealer, and he’ll say someting like deep like, or point out tings in nature I’d never seen, and I’ll be like, woah, that’s deep man. I never have woah moments when I’m not using marijuana dealers.”

State Of Florida Passes Law Which Makes Nudity Legal At All Public Beaches

Posted on July 14, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

TALLAHASSEE, Florida-

The state of Florida has made a bold change to its laws concerning nudity at public beaches, and this one might ruffle some feathers. Beginning August 1st, full nudity will be legal at all public beaches – as long as you obtain a Florida State Nudity License (FSNL).

Governor Rick Scott approved the bill passed by the state legislature making public nudity at state-owned beaches legal, and he encourages tourists and residents to make use of new law. “Today is a great day. Not only will it be legal to hang out at the beach totally nude, but we encourage you do to so,” Governor Scott said. “As long as you are a fairly attractive person, nobody is going to complain.”

One part of the new law, which may be infuriating to some, is the weight limits for those who may strip down completely. “If you are overweight by more than twenty pounds, you will not be given a license. You will be politely asked to go on a diet and come back at a later date to try again. It really is not that complicated.” Scott said. “We want everyone to enjoy this. Obtaining a license will not be hard for those who meet all of our standards, and it will be a quick and easy process. Residents and guests in the state may visit any of our town halls, where we will have employees trained to record the weight of those wishing to go nude. You will also be asked to submit a picture of your face and genitals. If you’re not too ugly or fat, then they will issue you a license for a fee of only $10, which will be good for 1 year.”

Residents in several communities have said that they are really torn on the subject.

“On one hand, everyone likes to freeball it once in a while,” said Miami resident Jacob Miller, 58. “On the other hand, my wrinkly penis probably won’t pass the inspection, so I more than likely can’t get a license issued anyway. Thankfully, I live right on the beach, so even if I can’t be nude, I can enjoy all the fine young ladies who will be walking around, muffs exposed.”

Dogs Campaigning for Right to Marry Humans; Say if Gays Can do it, Why Can’t They?

Posted on July 7, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In an unexpected playing out of the straw man argument that conservatives use against gay rights, a local dogs’ group has started a campaign for the legalization of human-dog marriages. Their main argument is, if gays can do it, why can’t we? The number of canines interested in interspecies – or any type of – marriage is reportedly small, but they are resolved to be vocal in bringing their cause to public attention.

“Once gay marriage became legal in many states, the whole idea of what a marriage should be was permanently altered,” said Timothy Kruger, the dog at the head of the campaign. “Since it’s no longer defined as the joining of a man and a woman, who’s to say at what point we should stop. A man should be allowed to marry his dog.”

Resistance from conservative groups has been swift and strong, as expected. They have also, predictably, said “I told you so” with smug looks on their faces, before decrying the acceptance of dogs, gays and liberals in modern society.

“What is our world coming to, when the idea of dog marriage is seriously entertained?” asked Senator Ted Cruz. “We knew all along that this would happen – that our society would crumble before our eyes – but those on the left always think they know better.”

Human marriage equality groups have been mixed in their responses, with the majority against the legalization of human-dog marriage, but some fringe organizations actively supporting it.

“I don’t think dogs should be discriminated against, but the problem is that this comes too soon,” said head of LGBTI group, Gay For Life, Samuel Martin. “It gives the Republicans a leg to stand on which, quite frankly, they don’t need. We need a few more decades for the normalization of gay marriage, before we can start thinking about more liberal measures.”

Roger Hess, a member of the same group, however, disagreed strongly.

“It will harm our cause, there’s no doubt about that,” he said. “But that’s no reason to allow blatant discrimination to go on. We need to stand up for progressive values, no matter how hard it might be.”