Judge Judy Has Five-Year-Old Girl Arrested On Contempt Charges During Court Session

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

HOLLYWOOD, California –

During the filming of the reality television court show Judge Judy, Judge Judith Sheindlin, also known as ‘Judge Judy’, had five-year-old Shaquiteeza Jones arrested for Contempt of Court after the girl yelled out “You’re not the boss of me!” when Sheindlin told the girl to stop crying.

The young child, the daughter of defendant Marquis Jones, who was being featured on the show and taken to the court because his dog, Saddie, got inside the plaintiffs home and ate the family Thanksgiving turkey, began crying loudly after Sheindlin belittled the defendant and told him he had no right to own a pit bull dog, and that he was a terrible and worthless human being who should have his dog and his children taken away.

Mary Louise Henderson, 45, from Sacramento, California was in the audience during the court session and described the awkward turn of events. “It was like nothin’ you ever seen before. That mean ass old bitch just laid into the defendant after she found out the defendant owned a pit bull, which she obviously does not care for,” Henderson said. “Then she just kept telling the poor man how bad a father he was, and he began to weep, then it was like some train-reaction, his daughter started to cry.”

“Judge Judy got real mad and told the defendant to shut his daughter up,” said audience member Jerome Parkins. “When the defendant couldn’t, Judge Judy yelled at the poor little girl. ‘Shut the hell up, this is my court room you don’t cry in my court room!’ she said, then the girl yelled back at the Judge…’You’re not the boss of me!’ and just like that she had the little girl hauled off in handcuffs and arrested. The damndest thing ya ever saw I tell ya! Judy is getting to be a real bitch in her old age. It certainly makes for great TV.”

The girl was released from jail on $500 bail six hours later, and is scheduled to appear in court next month.

Man Files $100,000 Lawsuit Against Friend For Sending Annoying Game Requests On Facebook

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

COLUMBUS, Ohio –

Are you a victim of constant harassment from friends or family on Facebook who selfishly invite you to play all the ridiculous games, just so they get an extra chance at unlocking some extra ‘thing’ in their own game? Well, 34-year-old Jeremy Lakewood of Columbus, Ohio, has had enough – and he and his lawyer are out to prove a point and send a clear and unmistakable message. Lakewood has reportedly filed a $100,000 lawsuit against a friend who keeps sending him game requests to play Candy Crush.

Lakewood, a painter who lives in a modest one bedroom apartment on the outskirts of downtown Columbus, admits that he does not want to disable apps on the social media network because of a crazed addiction he himself has to the game Trivia Crack, but says his friends should at least show the common courtesy to ask first through a personal message.

“The way I see it, everybody is playing these games on Facebook that have no end, the game can’t be beat, there is no damn ending, there is no winner! At least with Trivia Crack, it’s one-on-one and I can prove I am smarter than whatever friend I am playing against,” Lakewood said.

A frustrated Lakewood called around town in search of a lawyer who would help him “go after” Evan Ransdale, a good friend and former bandmate of his who keeps sending Candy Crush requests. It did not take long. Lakewood has enlisted the help of Bob “The Hammer” Dixon, an up-and-coming lawyer in the Columbus area who shares Lakewood’s frustration.

“I can relate with my client; I too am sick of getting all these game requests just because I play Words With Friends. We intend to win and make a difference,” said Dixon. “My client has consistently been a good friend to Mr. Ransdale, and he stabbed him in the back with harassment of game requests. This must and will end!”

A call for comment from Ransdale was not immediately returned.

United States Seeks To Implement 10-Hour Work Week

Posted on February 15, 2015 by ZGHarris

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

With the presidential nominees slowly starting to become public and we gear up for the 2016 elections, many say that the country is ready to start a new chapter in its history, and that chapter looks to be filled with plenty of vacation time. According to sources, a proposed 10-hour work month is part of the new itinerary of the far-left party that seeks to gain control of the country.

According to documents found by media correspondence, every citizen will be asked to work a mandatory 40-hours a month, and no more. Those who violate the law would be punished for excessive profiteering.

Government spokesman, Peter Jacobs, spoke proudly as he assured the people of the economic plan. “Greece brought the world democracy, literary tragedies, and universities. There are no bad ideas in Greece. Now, the United States seeks to copy their ideas and bring work down to a minimum, and vacationing to the max, as it was meant to be.”

After stocks dropped and sell-offs occurred across the board in New York, President Obama assured the people that things were fine.

“The 40-hour work month simply removes those who do not truly understand economics,” said Obama. “With over 700 hours a month to devote to sleeping, eating, drinking, sleeping more, and playing video games, the United States will lead the world in relaxation. There is no price that can be placed on satisfaction and relaxation.”

Alabama Judge Looks to Reverse Gay Marriage Decision: ‘Alabama Must Keep Identity’

Posted on February 15, 2015 by ZGHarris

MONTGOMERY, Alabama –

After Alabama is successfully allowed the legalization of gay marriage within its borders, the debate from both sides about whether or not it was the right decision for the state has reached a boiling point, and one judge has made it clear he cannot allow gay marriage to exist in this state during his tenure.

“It is not in keeping with the spirit and history of Alabama,” said Honorable Judge Oscar Wellington. “Our state has kept a long and proud history of being far behind the times as compared to other states. We cannot suddenly allow ourselves to be within the first half of states to legalize gay marriage.”

Judge Wellington is not interested in stopping gay marriage for the usual moral reasons, fully admitting there is no actual threat or danger to allowing gays to marry. He states quite bluntly, “This is not about morality or legality. This is about our heritage as the citizens of Alabama.”

“What would we be saying to our children if we did not hold out until the bitter end? Blind racism is still strong in our state. Hell, we only recently technically allowed interracial marriage. Incestuous marriage is still plenty legal within our borders. We have a clear line of reasoning, or lack thereof, and we need to stay true to it.”

Judge Wellington is indeed correct, as Alabama does hold some of the most ridiculous laws still on the books. Dominoes cannot be played on Sundays. It is illegal to wear a false mustache – with intent to cause laughter – in a church. It is still an offense to open an umbrella on a street or sidewalk. These and other laws set a precedent that reasonable action in law has no place in the state.

“Approximately one in every seven individuals cannot read in the state of Alabama. Nearly one out of every four students do not graduate high school. One out of every ten teenagers between ages 10-19 become pregnant. Hell, we consider a fetus a person with full rights here! It’s absurd, and that’s the way we love it here in this great state,” said Wellington. “Alabama must retain this history and its heritage of poor reasonability, else, we lose our identity. That is why gays like myself cannot, and will not, be allowed to marry here!”

Obama Ask Congress To Approve Sale Of Alaska To Chinese Government, Hopes To Pay Off National Debt

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama shocked congress today when he announced that he has been secretly talking to the Chinese government about selling Alaska. Obama promised the sale of Alaska to the Chinese in hopes that he would be able to pay off the national debt. He also stated that he sees no logical reason why congress should not approve of it.

“For the past several months I’ve been secretly negotiating with President Xi Jinping of China,” announced President Obama. ”Alaska actually is a pretty expensive piece of land with all it’s gold and oil, and President Jinping is will to pay the value of our national debt, a little over 18 trillion, which we have come to figure is just only slight above 1 trillion over market value. With those numbers, even the most racist republicans can’t say that’s a bad deal.”

Obama says that although he feels that China being so close to the United States and Canada could later have disatrous effects, the ability to pay off completely the debt owed by the country would be an immense relief.

“When congress approves of the sale, our nation will be debt free, and that’s a good thing. Ever since I took office, all I have heard is ‘national debt’ this, and ‘national debt’ that, and what am I going to do about it? Well, I did something, now it’s in the Republicans hands to finish the deal.”

“I think it’s a great idea, as all of Obama’s ideas have been so far,” said Democrat Nancy Pelosi. ”I know that I never personally considered Alaska part of America anyway. The only people who live there are freedom loving gun nuts like Sarah Palin, and that’s not what America is about anymore.”

Not everyone shares the same optimism about the sale as President Obama and other democrats, though.

“Alaskans won’t stand for it, that’s for sure! We may be different, but we are not crazy,” said former Alaskan governer Sarah Palin. ”Who does Obama think he is? How about reducing the debt by spending less, that’s how we do it in the Palin household. I don’t think Obama could even balance his own checkbook, never mind clearing out our national debt!”

“Theres not a chance in hell this will pass,” said Rep. John Boehner. ”The President is out of touch with reality. I wake up every day and say to myself:’ just two more years…just two more years…'”

Obama Calls For ‘Prepping’ To Be Outlawed, Calls Preppers ‘Homegrown Terrorists’

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama urged Congress today to pass laws limiting the amount of food and ammunition a citizen can have on stockpile at any given time. The President was quotes as saying that “These people preparing for a government collapse are the one’s most likely to cause it.”

“The government is here to supply your needs, so there’s no need to have a 3 year food supply hidden in your basement,” said President Obama. ”After binge-watching episodes Doomsday Preppers on the Netflix, I see how dangerous and un-American these people are. In a failing society we all have to work together, and if you’re hoarding food, there’s less for everyone else. No one should be hoarding ammunition, and I think anything more than 50 rounds should be criminal. I’m asking Congress to push through new laws, making it a crime to have more than a 30 day supply of food or more than 50 rounds of ammunition in your home. These preppers are more of a danger to America than ISIS, and they need to be stopped.”

“He’s right again, as always,” said Democrat Nancy Pelosi. “Preppers are dangerous and crazy people. If there’s a disaster, the government will help you and your family. Prepping is some kind of mental illness, and they shouldn’t even be able to have guns and weapons.”

Not everyone feels the way that President Obama and other democrats do, though. Many republican senators are quick to strike down the proposal, saying that prepping is something that should be the God-given right of every American citizen.

“Preppers are smart, they know history shows you can’t count on your government,” explained Senator Ted Cruz. “When I’m President, I’m going to encourage everyone to have at several years of canned food and bottled water on hand. Preparing to take care of your family is the American way, and the only way that will keep us strong in time of dire need. If Obama wants to talk prepping, he should prep his ass for some serious fight on this issue.”

Paralympic Athlete Oscar Pistorius Loses Arm In Prison Attack

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

PRETORIA CENTRAL, South Africa –

Lawyers for Olympic runner Oscar Pistorius, convicted of manslaughter in 2014, are furious after his right arm was reportedly cut off in a prison fight. The double leg amputee was sentenced to jail time having shot and killed his model girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, on Valentine’s Day in 2013.

Defense advocate Barry Roux vented his outrage at Judge Masipa’s “criminal incompetence.”

“We argued at sentencing that Oscar is not cut out – pardon the pun – for jail. Now it’s too late, and he’s lost a limb, a tragedy that he could never have prepared for.”

Prosecutor Gerrie Nel, however, argued that this is the sort of thing that happens in prison. “He killed an innocent woman, and he has to pay like everyone else. Just because he is missing both his legs, doesn’t mean he should get automatic immunity from brutal rape by his fellow convicts, or from violent knife fights. Our justice system is run on equal and fair treatment, regardless of individual differences.”

Reeva’s family were reportedly delighted at the news, saying that although he was let off easy by the judge, he has finally paid in a more permanent manner.

“The Steenkamp family expresses its joy at the news of Oscar Pistorius’s amputation,” said family spokesman Hendrik Dewalt. “They finally have some measure of closure, which was lacking from the verdict of manslaughter.”

The Pistorius family hit back, saying that they will go back to court to sue the Steenkamp family for the return of Oscar’s arm.

“It’s only their public campaign that got him into jail in the first place,” said the runner’s brother Carl. “They made the six shots he fired at Reeva seem like some sort of malicious act, biasing the judge, the media, and everyone else involved. We’ll fight tooth and nail on this one, and this time we won’t rest until our brother and son’s limb is back where it should be. Attached to his shoulder.”

U.S. Flooding Vodka Into Russia to Slow Military Aggressions

Posted on February 14, 2015 by ZGHarris

MOSCOW, Russia –

In the global arms war, it is often about who can advance in technology and tactics the fastest. Despite that fact, the United States government has seemingly decided to take a different approach while handling the very difficult situation in Ukraine regarding Russia.

Over the last 90 days, the number of cases of vodka has risen by nearly 100 percent per week across the boarder of the Ukraine and into counties in Southwest Russia. Soldiers have been seen inebriated in public areas and on military posts have increased by 25 percent in the last two months. None of the overflow of vodka has not gone to waste, as the Russian public seems to keep pace with any supply increase.

“We have seen an increase of vodka, yes,” Said General Tarasovich. “We believe the Americans are attempting to challenge our ability to stay a united and driven front. The attempt is futile. We have a long and storied history of drinking. The Americans have no idea what they are dealing with.”

Sources say that the attempt may be to slow the effective advancement of troops into the Ukraine over the coming months. The United States has a lot on its respective plates in Iraq and atrocities in Africa. A hefty push by Russia into the Ukraine is the last thing the military needs.

Said U.S. Admiral Jonathan Hathaway, “The United States Government can neither confirm, nor deny, the use of indigestible spirits as a strategy of war. Nor could we discuss any discussions regarding the possibility of such strategies.”

The Admiral did divulge one piece of supposed information.

“I will say that if the U.S. Government had been using spirits to attempt to inebriate the soldiers of Russia, in order to slow their advances, that it would be a wholly misguided attempt. The one thing you cannot do to a Russia is challenge him to drink, and expect to come out the victor.”

He continued, “If one were to send alcohol to the Russians, it would be better served as a pledge of good faith that they will behave themselves while we deal with other pressing matters that deserve our attention.”

In the weeks since the increase, Ukrainian hospitals have seen the admission levels for drunk driving and alcohol poisoning skyrocket. No reports of Russian soldiers have been noted in any of the facilities thus far. Various Russian military vehicles have been found ditched on the side of the road, however.

Anti-Vaccine Law Passed By Congress Could Mean Jail Time For Millions Of Parents

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In what has been hailed as the biggest victory for the anti-vaccination campaign, congress has passed a law that means parents who vaccinate their children could serve jail time. This comes as mounting evidence suggests that the preventative measures against fatal diseases could cause autism in children who are predisposed to the condition.

Over recent months, the campaign which seemed to have hit a lull, came roaring back to life, when the unverified research by hack Andrew Wakefield was pushed into the spotlight by reactionary mothers on the internet. The frantic and irresponsible parents got a further boost from renowned scientist Bill Maher’s assertion that “all those people who don’t think they can handle a little flu are total babies.”

The bill follows another important victory for campaigners, as January saw the reemergence of the all but forgotten measles, bringing further publicity to the previously denigrated group. Measles was thought to have been eliminated, but it could be the first of a long list of pre-vaccination favorites to reemerge.

“I’m hoping for diphtheria next,” said avid anti-vaxxer Mary Snucker. “I can’t wait to see my unimmunized children go blue and bleed from their precious little noses.”

Mother of five, Harriet Pentucky, said that if she had known of the risks, she would never have had her kids vaccinated. “It’s too late now,” she lamented, “and all of my children turned out okay. But to think of what I could’ve had to deal with! Yeah, polio sucks, but I’d take cripples over the autistics any day of the week.”

Republican Senator Rand Paul, who had late Tuesday contradicted his Monday statement that vaccines cause mental disorders, retracted once again, saying that the bill was a victory and that he was now on his way to de-immunize himself and his children.

“Besides,” he was overheard saying to a friend, “I’m too old to get all that mumps and rubella guff.”

President Obama: Undocumented Immigrants Who Worked ‘Off The Books’ Can Still File Taxes, Get A Refund

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama is making waves this morning after announcing an extremely controversial decision that will causes massive changes and government payouts for immigrants, this time allowing illegals to file taxes to get a refund. Illegal aliens who worked ‘off the books’ throughout 2014 will be able to get refunds on taxes they would have paid. The President says he will allow them to use the honor system, and that illegal immigrants can file using an approximation of their earned income.

“We need to stop treating undocumented immigrants like second class people, we are better than that,” said President Obama. ”These hard working men and women are forced to work off the books, in the shadows of our employment systems. Just because they didn’t pay into the State or Federal government like people normally do with taxes withheld from their paychecks, does not mean they don’t deserve to have their refunds.”

“Because undocumented aliens won’t be receiving a W-2 form, these workers will be allowed to estimate how much they got paid in 2014,” said White House press secretary Joe Myers. “Their refund will be based on their estimate and how much would of been withheld if they actually paid taxes. We estimate that these people, who in many cases have risked life-and-limb to make it to the United States, would not risk lying about their income to increase a return. We have faith in all undocumented immigrants.”

“Apparently Obama does not understand how taxes work, or where the refunds are coming from,” said Senator Ted Cruz.” Well, I do, and if you have no state and federal taxes withheld, you don’t get a refund. He’s just giving them free money, and he’s buying democratic votes with this plan. The problem is the money isn’t free, it’s coming right from the pockets of hard working Americans. When I’m elected President, I’ll make it so uncomfortable for illegals, they will be climbing the fence back into Mexico.”