Woman Arrested After Shoplifting Turkey From Grocery Store By Hiding It In Her Vagina

Posted on October 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

An Atlanta women was arrested after allegedly shoplifting a turkey from a Kroger grocery store by hiding the bird inside of her vagina.

Police were called by the store manager to the location on Delaware Ave. Thursday evening after security cameras caught the woman taking a full-sized frozen turkey from the refrigerator section, lifting her skirt, and attempting to insert the Butterball “Plump & Juicy” turkey product inside herself.

“It was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen,” said store manager Joe Goldsmith. “This woman must have had balls of steel to try and pull this off. Well, actually, in retrospect, I suppose she must not have had any balls at all, otherwise she’d have had nowhere to put it.”

The woman, Shaniqua Rogers of 345 Elm Plaza, was arrested and taken into police custody. She is being charged with theft and public display of indecency. She is scheduled for arraignment on November 1st. According to police, Rogers claimed she was trying to get an “early jump” on Thanksgiving turkeys.

Couple Arrested At Serta Mattress Store For Having Sex On Beds

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOISE, Idaho –

A young couple, Jeanne and Robert Maitland, were arrested Sunday afternoon after they were caught having sexual intercourse in public in a Serta mattress store.

According to police reports, the Maitlands were told that they were allowed to “test” the beds before purchasing, but that the couple took it way too far.

“They came in, and seemed like every other normal couple who are looking for a new mattress,” said store manager Mark Jacobs. “They tested a couple beds, laid down in a few, and asked if they could just talk it over, so I said ‘sure,’ and went to help another customer who had come in.”

It was when Jacobs walked away that the Maitlands apparently got very busy trying out the beds, reportedly stripping completely nude and fornicating in the middle of the display room.

“It was shocking, and more than a little erotic,” said customer Barry Windham, who was there with his wife of 40 years, Marlene. “I say, I didn’t expect to really be purchasing a mattress that day, but after I saw what the Serta Perfect Sleeper bed could withstand, I ordered one on the spot. Marlene and I will have a hell of a time trying to reenact what that couple was doing, but we’re sure as shit gonna try.”

Police say that the Maitlands are set to be arraigned later this week. They are being charged with felonious public display of nudity. Sentencing could get the couple up to 10 years each.

White Christian Teen Arrested For Wearing Shoes With Picture Of Clock To School

Posted on September 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FRYEBURG, Maine –

A 13-year-old white student was arrested at a school in Fryeburg, Maine this morning for allegedly wearing shoes that had a picture of a clock on them. Police say that white kid Jacob Smith painted the shoes himself, and has a keen interest in clocks and art, and thought other kids would think they were “cool.”

“Jacob Smith was arrested after wearing inappropriate footwear to class,” said Fryeburg police chief Aaron Silver. “The school has a zero-tolerance policy for items that are, or appear to be, any sort of timepiece, as it is possible that it could be an explosive.”

The school board says that Smith, who is in the ninth grade at Fryeburg High School, is a straight-A student, and enjoys art, English, and hitting on girls during gym class.

“He’s a typical white kid who happens to be a tad bit smarter than the other kids in his class,” said teacher Jeanne Curtis. “Obviously the kid has a knack for footwear, but I’m sorry – clocks, whether they are drawn, bought, built, or whatever, have no place in my classroom. It was only right that I call the police.”

A 14-year-old student in Texas was arrested recently after bringing a clock to school that he had “built,” although authorities knew right off it wasn’t a bomb, and was a just a hoax device. In that case, it was obvious to police and investigators that the family designed the entire event to spur racist arguments in the media and to gain attention for the family, who are known media hounds. Sadly, the news outlets nationwide weren’t bright enough to figure out the sad, lame attempt, and fed right into it.

“This situation is different than that Muslim kid in Texas,” said Silver. “This is a white kid in Maine. The fact that he’s white, though, shouldn’t matter, because he should know better. Maybe he thought because he was white he could get away with it, I don’t know. Either way, h was arrested and charged with reckless artistic abandon and criminal threatening. Thank God he’s a Christian. Maybe he can pray his way out of trouble.”

According to Silver, if convicted, Jacob Smith could face up to 24 hours in the jail.

Feds Swarm Idaho Town After Discovering Baby Prostitution Ring

Posted on September 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WOOSTERVILLE, Idaho –

A small town in Idaho has been inundated with federal agents after it was discovered that several people in the town were running a prostitution ring made up of babies, with the youngest reportedly being only 6 days old.

“We received an anonymous tip that several newborns in Woosterville were selling themselves, by the hour, for the purpose of sexual intercourse,” said federal investigator Joe Goldsmith. “We began our investigation last month, and were able to gather enough evidence to arrest 6 babies.”

According to Goldsmith, the children arrested were all extremely young babies, and were fetching upwards of $5,000 per hour for sexual intercourse.

“It’s honestly one of the most disgusting crimes I’ve ever seen,” said Goldsmith. “We collected over $2 million in cash, as well as a stockpile of nearly 2,000 diapers, gallons of formula, and more. Apparently, these babies were providing strangers with not only a sexual outlet, but also with all the things necessary to make sure they were comfortable. These were not bottom-barrel baby prostitutes.”

Police say that there may be very little to hold the accused on, though, as they say that all the babies consented to the acts.

“Most of the babies, when asked if they would be okay with having sex for money, had nothing negative to say,” said Goldsmith. “We all know that not saying no automatically means yes, so for these babies in particular, there may be very little we can do to keep them off the streets and in their own cribs.”

Investigators say that each parent could face up to 180 days in prison for allowing their babies to be used for sex.

“Sadly, most of them have the solid argument about the baby not saying no,” said Goldsmith. “It’s a win for us for now, getting these babies out of the hands of the parents, but with good lawyers who know to ‘keep the laws off baby bodies,’ they’ll all have their kids back within the week, and God only knows what things will happen.”

Teen Burns Down House To Avoid Doing Dishes

Posted on September 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BANGOR, Maine –

A 13-year-old teen was arrested for arson Wednesday evening after reportedly burning down the family house to avoid doing the dishes, says the Bangor Monthly News. According to police reports, Joshua Blackwell was arrested after the family’s cape-style home was left in a rubble from a horrific fire.

“I asked Josh to do the dishes before his father and I left for the movies,” said Marsha Blackwell, 44. “Normally that’s not a chore I’d ask him to do, but Greg [Blackwell, Joshua’s father] and I were in a rush. The new Maze Runner movie is out, and we wanted to make the 7:15 show.”

“I never have to do the fucking dishes,” said Joshua during the police interrogation. “That’s a woman’s job. My job is to normally just take out the trash, and I even hate doing that. When my bitch mother said I needed to do the dishes, I got pissed. They didn’t even ask if I wanted to go to the movies, they just left me to scrub all those fucking pots. They deserved this.”

Police say that Joshua Blackwell faces up to 2 years in a juvenile facility if convicted of first-degree arson. A court appointed lawyer for Joshua says that he believes that the boy will be allowed to go free, though, based on the rarely-used tactic of temporary insanity.

“Yes, I think I can get Joshua off from this crime, simply because he was asked to do the dishes, and he strongly believes that’s a woman’s job,” said lawyer Marcus Patton, Esq. “You see, because he has such strongly held convictions, his mother asking him to do such a emasculating job triggered something in him that caused this violent outburst, and he burned down their home.”

“I don’t care how any of this turns out,” said Marsha Blackwell. “All I know is that when Joshua gets home from prison, he’s grounded for a week…and definitely no TV for him!”

Man Sells Heart To Pay Rent

Posted on July 19, 2015 by JP

CLEVELAND, Ohio-

A local resident of Cleveland has passed away today after responding to a strange Craigslist post months ago. The post has recently been taking down by police, but they report they have a man in custody they believe is tied to the death of James Grace, 27.

According to police reports, approximately six months ago, Grace responded to a Craigslist ad claiming to pay top dollar for a human heart. Long, detailed emails transpired, and police were led to question the ad’s poster, Henry James. In his emails, James explains that he would pay $750 for Grace’s heart. In the correspondence, Grace asked several times if the procedure was safe, and claimed he needed the money to make rent that month.

Grace was found dead in his on apartment, with a large scar that had been stitched up over his rib cage. James is in custody, but lawyers are claiming that the entire ad was obviously a gag, and that Grace was just a “goddamned idiot.”

“Mr. Grace cut out his own heart, and even managed to stitch himself back up a bit before he died,” said Bill S. Preston, Esq., James’ attorney. “Frankly, it is a medical marvel that he was able to do that. I guess it was like when you cut off a chicken’s head, and they run around for a bit. Anyway, Mr. Grace was clearly retarded, in that he thought he might be able to live without his heart. Sorry, but that’s just not our fucking problem. Case closed.”

Currently, James is being held in the Cleveland County jail. He is being held on $20,000 bail. His lawyer says that he will place an ad on Craigslist to see if anyone will sell their body parts and donate the money to their legal fund.

Dad Arrested For Accidently Sending His Daughter A Picture Of His Penis

Posted on July 14, 2015 by JP

SEATTLE, Washington –

A father of 3 is facing jail time for indecency after accidentally sending his daughter a picture that was meant to go to a female friend.

James Osborne, age 36, sent a picture of his erect penis to his 14-year-old daughter and, after she told her mother, Osborne was arrested and questioned by local police. Osborne has been divorced to his wife for 7 years, but says he still plays a “big, thick part” in their lives. He told police he was unaware that he even made the “silly, veiny” mistake until he was arrested, and claims if his daughter came to him first he could have explained the gaffe.

“It was just a mix-up. This kind of thing happens all the time, really. I mean, my wife divorced me because she found a whole cache of images I had mistakenly texted to my secretary when I meant to text them to her. They had the same name, though, so it was really not my fault. That’s what happened here, too – my daughter’s name is Kelly, and the woman I am seeing is also named Kelly, so it was really just a mistake. A simple boner, if you will,” said Osborne. “It’s really my bitch ex-wife’s fault that everything is just getting so damn hard for me now.”

“This will teach him to take dick pics for every tramp he meets,” said Osborne’s ex-wife, Nancy. “Sadly, we’re going to be paying for Kelly’s therapy for quite some time. I don’t think she’s bound to just get over this any time soon. Hopefully this will teach the bastard to stick to taking pictures of his meals for Instagram, and not that sad excuse for a penis.”

Local police say that “insext” crimes are looked at just as seriously as actual incest crimes, and that this is the 34th case they’ve had of a parent texting images of their genitals to their children this month.

Man Beats Wife To Death After She Burns His Steak Dinner

Posted on May 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MOBILE, Alabama –

A Mobile man, Joel Randolph, 51, was taken into custody after he admitted to police officers that he had murdered his wife of 11 years, Janet Randolph, 38. According to police reports, Randolph murdered his wife after he arrived home from work and found that she had burned his steak dinner.

“For years, my lovely cooked the meat perfectly. Oh, how lovely cooked the meat,” said Randolph. “I came home from work, and I could even smell it far away. I walk in the door, and she had burned the steak. Burned that bastard to a crisp. It was disgusting. I work hard for the money that purchased the meat, and I’m sorry, but it’s unforgivable.”

Police chief Carl Moore said that Randolph was being arraigned later this week, and if convicted, could face life in prison.

“I wish this was still the good ol’ days, when only men served on the jury,” said Randolph. “I’d never be convicted it it were men. They know how to keep a good wife in line, and if she burns the meat, she deserves whatever is coming to her.”

Randolph says that although he regrets admitting to the crime, he does not regret that it happened.

“She tried to apologize, too. ‘Hope you got strong teeth today, Joel,’ is what she said. ‘I’m sorry, I burned the steak!’ Well bitch, I have strong teeth, but I got a stronger backhand, apparently. We used to have no strife in our relationship – she was a lovely, lovely wife. What a shame to have it end like this.”

Man Arrested for Eating Bald Eagle

Posted on May 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALLAS, Texas –

Texans are calling for the death penalty for a man accused of disrespecting America in the worst possible way, shooting and eating a bald eagle.

Larry Tucker says the eagle asked for it. “Damn bird kept picking off my chickens so I shot it. A man has a right to protect his livestock from predators.”

Arrested under the Eagle Protection act, Tucker expected to be fined for poaching and sent on his way. Because he admitted to broiling the bird, he now faces additional charges. Although his lawyer advises him there is no way he will actually get the death penalty, the public outrage against him has really hurt Tucker’s feelings.”

“I’m not un-American. Got a flag on my front porch like everybody else. I’ve always liked to try different meats, and it would have been a waste if I didn’t eat the damn thing. I truly regret it. Damn thing didn’t even taste good.”

Young Man Kills Dog After It Eats His MAGIC Card Collection

Posted on May 10, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LEXINGTON, Georgia –

29-year-old Paul Hunter now finds himself imprisoned after killing the family dog in a fit of rage. Paul says the dog got into his bedroom and chewed a binder full of rare Magic the Gathering Cards, worth thousands of dollars.

“Of course Shadow didn’t touch the binder full of more common rares. He went right for my foil Mox Ruby. I had a plateau, limited edition, Ancestral Recall. When I saw they were all chewed up, I just blacked out.”

Hunter’s stepfather, Matt Smith called police after tackling Hunter and prying a metal bat from hands.

“Sick kid was basing my dog’s brains out. I couldn’t believe it. I told his mother he needed to get the hell out of the house, but of course she couldn’t make him leave- or even get a steady job for that matter. He had delusions about going pro-nerd or something. Never was gonna happen.”

Hunter explains his actions. “They were not just cards! It was not just some baseball collection. It was my future. I’ve won a bunch of tournaments at Spellbound. I was just waiting to win a qualifier, and I was going pro. Traveling the pro-circle was going to be my career. I was going to see the world. With Magic you gotta pay to play, though, so without those cards in my arsenal, I was screwed.”

Hunter now finds himself even more screwed, facing up to two years in prison, without a soft place to land whenever he does get out. Stepfather, Matt says, “No way that psycho’s coming back into my house after this one. He’s lucky his mother even comes to visit him.”