Facebook To Begin Deactivating Accounts Of Anyone Who Posts About ISIS



Whether you are against ISIS, like most people, or somehow slinking by as a terrorist supporter, Facebook has announced that they will be systematically deactivating accounts that frequently talk about ISIS, Muslims, terrorism, or anything else that they deem “inappropriate.”

“Frankly, it’s their website, and they can do whatever they want,” said user Joe Goldsmith. “I think people forget that Facebook may be made up of its users, but it is not owned and controlled by the users. Facebook has the right to delete or post whatever they want, and if they don’t like your stupid post, then they can delete it.”

According to Facebook spokesman Al Greene, the company is removing the accounts of people who post too often about ISIS, Muslim extremists, and other terrorist groups, because it “upsets other users.”

“If we’re friends on Facebook, and you are constantly posting pictures of your dog, and I have a fear of them, well frankly, those pictures will upset me,” said Greene. “We are trying to be the middle man so no one has to see the dog, no one has to have any fear. If your uncle Charlie is constantly posting pictures and articles talking about ISIS, then we’re going to step in and shut down his account. It’s only fair.”

Greene says that everyone will get one warning, but repeatedly posting controversial topics will lead to account suspension or deletion.

Zuckerberg: ‘Dislike’ Button Will Not Be Enabled On Posts By Companies That Buy Ads On Facebook

dislike button

CUPERTINO, California – 

Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook, announced recently that the company would finally release a ‘dislike’ button on the giant social media platform, which they hoped would allow for a sort of “empathy” option for people to choose on statuses that might not quite be appropriate to ‘like.’

One of the biggest concerns from major companies, who spend millions of dollars advertising on Facebook, was that too many people might just randomly click ‘dislike’ on their posts, hurting their reputation. Zuckerberg announced today that, for those companies who spend “substantial money” on ads, they would no longer have to worry.

“If you are a huge business that works with us, we certainly don’t want to let you down with our new ‘dislike’ option,” said Zuckerberg. “So, we have come up with a solution. Any company who spends more than $1 million with us each calendar year will not have the dislike option on their sponsored posts, thus making sure that the only option is to ‘like’ the posts or ads.”

Zuckerberg continued, saying that any company who spent more than $5 million on ads and sponsored posts each year would automatically get a like each time someone scrolled by.

“If you are a major company, and you spend major money with us, we want to keep you happy,” said Zuckerberg. “When a user scrolls by your ad or post, it will automatically register as a ‘like’ from that user, just because they saw it. We are also working on ways to make negative-based comments disappear when left on posts by large companies. A happy big business is a spend-happy big business. We need this, because no one wants to end up like MySpace or Google+.”

CEO Zuckerberg says that keeping big business happy is the only way to see a long-term survival by the social media giant.

New ‘Google Companion’ Nanochip Tracks Your Baby’s Life, Auto-Posts To Social Media Pages

New 'Google Companion' Nanochip Tracks Your Baby’s Life

GOOGLE, United States – 

Google’s revolutionary advertising platform just made another landmark in advertising history: their newest innovation, called Google Companion.

Google Companion is a nanochip that tracks emotions, memories, new experiences, conversations, and much more. All the information is transmitted to Google and used to personalize your web experience. It is typically injected into newborns, but can be planted in adults, too.

Companion also teamed up with Facebook to seamlessly integrate with your smart phone. The chip, which is 4GLTE compatible, will automatically fill your status update with some relevant information when you open Facebook: your location, what you just did, any recent food or beverages consumed, how you are feeling, and even some basic information about your love life.

“Privacy is a thing of the past,” said Google’s CEO. “We live in an age where that’s really more of a hindrance. The government already spies on all of us, and people overshare as it is – we’re just here to take the stigma away and make use of society’s latest evolution.”

Some early studies of the chip’s capabilities have had stunning results. One impressed mother recounted her latest story for Empire News.

“I brought my little girl to the pediatrician a few days ago, and while the doctor was looking at her I checked my phone. An ad popped up for calamine lotion before the doctor even told me she had chicken pox!”

The United States government provided Google with some additional funding in exchange for access to their database. Officials say this will cut down on crime, cost and abundance of court trials, and provide next-generation national security. When asked about this potentially controversial decision, Google’s CEO responded:

“Like I said earlier, it’s already happening. We’re just making it easier and less shocking. This also gives people control over it when they previously had none. Well, kind of. I mean, not really, but we get to publish more pretty infographics!”

New Jeresey Teenager Hospitalized With Facebook Withdrawals

CAMDEN, New Jersey – empire-news-camden-teenager-hospitalized-for-facebook-withdrawals-social-media-shakes

Nancy Thompson, 15, was hospitalized today for severe withdrawal symptoms caused by her parents taking away her computer, cell phone, and her Facebook privileges. Thompson, who was being punished for a poor grade in math, was taken to the emergency room at Camden-South Medical Center after her parents found her in bed with cold sweats, thumb twitches, and general zombie-like behavior.

“I was terrified, we both were.” Said Marge Thompson, Nancy’s mother. “I heard noises and murmuring upstairs. I went to Nancy’s room, and she was rocking back-and-forth on her bead, mumbling “Like. Like. Comment. Like. Share,” and her thumbs were twitching in a texting motion involuntarily. We called 9-1-1 immediately.”

Ambulances were at the Thompson house in minutes, with paramedics prepared for the worst.

“We arrived, and Nancy was still trembling. It’s a scene I’ve bared witness to many times lately. The ‘Social-Media Shakes’, that’s what we call them.” Said Glen Lantz, one of the paramedics on the scene. “We were loading her into the ambulance, and that was when I saw the look she had. Nancy had a pretty standard resting bitch face, but then I saw her lips starting to curl back and one arm started to rise above her head. I recognized the selfie-signs instantly, and immediately sedated her before any of us had to see her morph into duck face mode.”

Parents today are more and more often using social media restrictions as punishments for their children and teenagers. As evident in Nancy’s case, it is not always the best solution. Rod Lane, a professional child psychiatrist, says that teens and young adults need their social networks more than ever, and taking them away can have serious adverse effects, much the same as with drug and alcohol addiction.

“I know that when your teen does something wrong, telling them they can’t get on Facebook is the quickest thing to come to your head. I implore all parents, please don’t do this.” Said Lane. “Your child needs to be weened off their social media, like a heroin abuser who goes to a methadone clinic. Just like with “true” drugs, your child can become violent and hostile, or conversely, they can become completely withdrawn and depressed, all because social media is removed from their lives too quickly.”

Nancy’s father, Donald Thompson, says that the first thing he did when Nancy awoke in the hospital was give her back her 32GB gold iPhone 5 so she could get online.

“I never want to have to go through something like this again. I swear I will never take away her Facebook privileges as long as I live. My baby girl can take all the half-nude, fake tanned, stupid-ass duck face pictures she wants. I’ll even ‘like’ them all myself!”

Nancy responded by saying it would be a “cold day in hell” before she added her dad on Facebook. She also updated her status on Facebook to “Prnts are soooo f-ing lame. hospitul food sucks. some1 bring me an f-ing Pinkberry like NOW!” It immediately received ‘Likes’ from 143 of Nancy’s 2,486 friends.


Man Files $100,000 Lawsuit Against Friend For Sending Annoying Game Requests On Facebook

Man Files $100,000 Lawsuit Against Friend For Sending Annoying Game Requests On Facebook


Are you a victim of constant harassment from friends or family on Facebook who selfishly invite you to play all the ridiculous games, just so they get an extra chance at unlocking some extra ‘thing’ in their own game? Well, 34-year-old Jeremy Lakewood of Columbus, Ohio, has had enough – and he and his lawyer are out to prove a point and send a clear and unmistakable message. Lakewood has reportedly filed a $100,000 lawsuit against a friend who keeps sending him game requests to play Candy Crush.

Lakewood, a painter who lives in a modest one bedroom apartment on the outskirts of downtown Columbus, admits that he does not want to disable apps on the social media network because of a crazed addiction he himself has to the game Trivia Crack, but says his friends should at least show the common courtesy to ask first through a personal message.

“The way I see it, everybody is playing these games on Facebook that have no end, the game can’t be beat, there is no damn ending, there is no winner! At least with Trivia Crack, it’s one-on-one and I can prove I am smarter than whatever friend I am playing against,” Lakewood said.

A frustrated Lakewood called around town in search of a lawyer who would help him “go after” Evan Ransdale, a good friend and former bandmate of his who keeps sending Candy Crush requests. It did not take long. Lakewood has enlisted the help of Bob “The Hammer” Dixon, an up-and-coming lawyer in the Columbus area who shares Lakewood’s frustration.

“I can relate with my client; I too am sick of getting all these game requests just because I play Words With Friends. We intend to win and make a difference,” said Dixon. “My client has consistently been a good friend to Mr. Ransdale, and he stabbed him in the back with harassment of game requests. This must and will end!”

A call for comment from Ransdale was not immediately returned.


Facebook Plans to Impose Character Limit on Posts, Messages

Facebook Plans to Impose Character Limit on Posts, Messages


MENLO PARK, California – 

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg spoke Tuesday at a press conference about the future of his brainchild social networking giant. Zuckerberg’s ideas came as a great shock to the audience of reporters, who were expecting a minimal change like switching the dull and in-need-of-replacement color scheme. Instead, it was announced that as of August 1st, 2015, all new Facebook posts will be under a restrictive 175 character limit.

The current limit is a mere 63,206 characters per post, which allows for users to write anything from a brief status to an excessively long piece of dry literature. Facebook had received many complaints recently about unnecessarily long posts that slowed down the social networking experience and annoyed multiple users.

Another reason behind the upcoming change is Zuckerberg’s concern with the welfare of many of Facebook’s teen users.

“With the new character restriction in place, we hope to preserve young lives that shouldn’t be destroyed simply because Janie said something about Sallie’s ex,” Zuckerberg remarked. “A large percentage of dangerous and life-threatening teen drama gets started and is antagonized on Facebook. With the character restriction, hate posts and threat posts can be diminished in their size and severity. 175 characters is more than enough to get your point across, while still being better than Twitter’s 140. We always want to be better than Twitter.”

As for Messenger, Zuckerberg also has a plan. “Before 2016, I plan on imposing a similar or equal restriction for Messenger, as well as a screening of all messages sent through Messenger with hopes of preventing tragedies caused by teen drama.”

Zuckerberg plans to receive much harsh criticism around his restrictive decision, but sees that the change will be worthwhile without being much of a detriment to his finances. “I’m already the 11th richest bastard in America. Why would I even blink if I lost a billion dollars?”

Lisa Evans, a reporter at the press conference, gave her two cents about the issue in her own lengthy Facebook post. “All our freedoms are being taken away. Even Facebook is restricting our freedoms of speech and expression. Sure, it will save some lives and speed things up a bit, but Facebook’s members may not be willing to make this change,” Evans said.

Google To Buy Facebook In First $1 Trillion Acquisition

Google To Buy Facebook In First $1 Trillion Acquisition


SILICON VALLEY, California – 

In a move that could spell the end of the online world as we know it, Google has announced plans to purchase Facebook in the first ever trillion-dollar acquisition. The multi-trillion dollar tech giant has long been linked with the social media empire, after its own version, Google Plus, failed to attract the same sort of dedicated users that Facebook has.

“This is exciting news,” said a sweaty, blustering, bespectacled, morbidly obese geek. “The idea of Google taking over the next biggest chunk of the web has previously been vaunted, but I never thought it would happen in my lifetime. I mean, look at me. I spend most of my time on my ass eating bacon off my unwashed body in my mother’s basement. How many more years am I likely to survive? I’m a heart attack weighting [sic] to happen. Pardon the pun, heh heh.”

Others were not so enthusiastic about the rumors.

“I know everyone’s freaked out about the government having all their info, and that’s kinda my fault,” said NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden from somewhere in Russia. “But Google is who we really need to worry about. We willingly give them our life secrets, hoping they’ll keep it for us so that we never lose it. I have no doubt they’re grooming some naive intern to take over the world. Now they’re gonna have Facebook too? Oy vey!”

Mark Zuckerberg earlier denied reports that he was willing to sell his brainchild, even going so far as to change the tagline on the Facebook log-in page to read, “It’s mine and always will be.”

He later changed his stance, however, after Google came back to them with such an outrageous offer.

“Well, I always said that money was not what Facebook was about, despite really only caring about ad revenue, going public, and making me filthy rich,” said Zuckerberg. “Still – it was about people, not money. That said, who would turn down a trillion dollars? A trillion dollars?! Nobody, that’s who. Nobody on the face of the planet would turn down that kind of money. And only Google has the balls to fork it over to get what they want.”

Rumors that the company will change the name of the social media giant from Facebook to Googlebook could not be confirmed.

Man Who had Birthday During Facebook Outage Wins Thousands of ‘Likes’ in Lawsuit

Man Who had Birthday During Facebook Outage Wins Thousands of 'Likes' in Lawsuit


MENLO PARK, California –

Tuesday’s Facebook outage was tough for its hundreds of millions of users around the globe, but for Detroit resident Peter Ferguson, it took more of a toll – at least according to the judge that awarded him thousands of ‘Likes’ in a groundbreaking lawsuit.

Ferguson, whose birthday was on the day of the outage, sued the social media giant, claiming that they’d ruined the only day on which his life seemed to matter to the outside world.

“I know it’s not all that it’s made out to be,” he told reporters. “I know that most people don’t even visit my profile to send their messages, and that some of them don’t even remember who I am. But that’s all I got. At least they’re getting that little red notification that puts me momentarily at the center of their attention. That’s all a guy like me could ask for.”

The court agreed, ordering Facebook to grant at least ten thousand ‘Likes’ to Ferguson’s next post – whether it’s a warped political opinion, or a video homage to his pet cat, Brock. They further ordered Facebook CEO and owner, Mark Zuckerberg, to personally comment on every status or shared media that the broken man posts over the next month, making up for the ruination of what was meant to be a very special birthday.

Legal experts around the world hailed the outcome as a victory for the common man against growing tech corporations.

“More and more, we’re seeing these companies taking advantage of the average citizen’s personal life,” said advocate Jerry Greenfield, talking on Fox News and Friends. “They think there’ll be no consequences to a move like this, taking away our most poignant means of connection. But now they know what happens when I don’t get to show off dinner to those undomesticated Philistines I call my friends.”

In response to the legal debacle, Facebook posted an update to its terms of use, stating that unplanned downtime will now be considered a feature, rather than an inconvenience – adding the thrill of uncertainty to its usually flawless usage. At the time of writing, Facebook executives reported that so far 73% of users have agreed to the new conditions without reading them.


Facebook Announces Plans To Start Charging Users For Likes, Shares

Facebook Announces Plans To Start Charging Users For Likes, Shares


MENLO PARK, California –

CEO Mark Zuckerberg made an official announcement this morning, outlining the plans for Facebook’s new business model. According to reports, Facebook will start to charge for ‘Likes’ and ‘Shares’ in an effort to increase their already massive revenue.  

“I know people aren’t going to like it at first, but I owe it to shareholders to keep increasing profits,” said Zuckerberg. ”Charging for users to Like and Share is just the next obvious step in the progression of the company. The good news is, that with a billion active users, we don’t have to charge a lot to make a lot. We are planning, currently, on 2 cents to Like something, and 5 cents to share. These numbers should more than double our revenue. Coming in the next several weeks, all users will see a notification, asking them to link a PayPal or Google Wallet account to their Facebook page.”

“We always said the service would remain free – but we never said anything about the separate things you can do with the service. But, just think how much more special you will feel when someone likes that stupid picture you posted of your dinner last night, knowing that it cost them a couple cents,” said the head of product development for Facebook, Joey Goldsmith. “Or maybe you made a witty comment, probably something you stole from Workaholics, but your buddy Joe shares it. That share just cost him a nickel, so it’s now obvious – You’re the man!”  

“I tend to like lots of comments, including my own, each day,” said Facebook user Jorge Pell. “I don’t think being charged will slow me down, liking comments is what I’m about, a few bucks a day won’t get me to change my online lifestyle.” 

“Personally, I love sharing funny animal videos – my friends call me ‘the funny animal video lady’,” said Debbie Ranch, who has had a Facebook page for just over 6 months. ”Sharing funny animal videos is my life, and it makes me feel good,  so no amount of money will ever get me to stop.”

If the product continues to thrive, Zuckerberg says that next year, users can expect to pay 10 cents to leave comments on posts, and 15 to 25 cents for Facebook game privileges.


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