Man Arrested For Killing Neighbor Tells Police ‘He Had A Bigger TV’

Man Arrested For Killing Neighbor Tells Police 'He Had A Bigger TV'

FAIRFIELD, New Hampshire – 

Envy rears its ugly head yet again as a family is briefly left in tears over the death of James Moore, 29 – father, husband, and owner of a huge TV.

Police arrested Darnell Wilson, 23, at the scene of the crime shortly after it happened. He made no attempt to resist. During questioning, he gave an honest account of what happened, verified by the victim’s family.

“Day in, day out, they’d have that TV on. I could see it through my kitchen window – part of it anyway,” he explained. “The man’s TV was at least 70 inches. What was I supposed to do? Any self-respecting man would’ve done the same.”

In a fit of jealousy and embarrassment at his mediocre 42-inch TV, Wilson paid his neighbor a visit with a fully loaded handgun. Moore’s family, initially grief-stricken and confused, came to visit Wilson and express their sympathy. Carla, wife of the deceased, said her husband “probably would have done the same” if they had such a tiny TV. The family is pressing charges regardless, because they are Americans, after all.

While Wilson is facing a trial, police say a murder penalty is unlikely due to the circumstances. The sentence is likely to be two years maximum for aggravated embarrassment with a capitalist-conditioning plea.

“I mean, it’s not like he stole our TV,” Carla said. “I’d be okay with just getting some money out of the whole thing. James didn’t have life insurance.”

The family has since purchased heavier window curtains to avoid similar annoyances in the future.

Texas Family Fined For Not Removing Christmas Lights From Outside Home



In a monumental decision by the State of Texas, a new law has been enacted that resulted in one family being fined $12,000 for leaving their Christmas lights up too long.

The Sorenson family is just like any other – except that they are always the last to take down their decorations, for any holiday. Many neighbors have filed complaints about the annoyance of light pollution at night far into the new year, but it wasn’t until mayor Ivy R. Taylor passed through and noticed the decorations that anything was done about it.

“No one wants to see Christmas decorations that late in the year. It’s just obnoxious and tacky,” said the mayor.

In the case Sorenson v. City of San Antonio, an intense debate sparked over how long was too long to keep decorations up. The mayor’s initial declaration was a single week, stating: “These late compliers tarnish our beautiful city’s reputation and create tension for other residents. If we come down hard, it will stop – immediately.”

The ultimate decision, however, was the end of January, to accommodate for various religious and cultural beliefs associated with the holiday season. The initial fine for the first offense starts at just $100, with a small additional fine for each day over the limit.

Many residents are ecstatic about this change, citing the same frustrations. The Sorenson family plans to fight it any way they can.

Mayor Taylor declined to comment on stores putting decorations and festive food out for sale several months in advance.

U.S. To Replace St. Patrick’s Day With More Diverse ‘National Drunk Day’ In 2016

U.S. To Replace St. Patrick's Day With More Diverse 'National Drunk Day' In 2016


Following years of racial inequality, the United States is finally making the right move: in 2016, the previously Irish-centric holiday St. Patrick’s Day will be replaced with the more diversity-friendly and honestly titled “National Drunk Day.”

Proponents of this change say St. Patrick’s Day, while historical in nature, had little to do with Irish history in modern times and was really all about drinking green beer. With the holiday declared, certain traditions are encouraged to remain intact, including said green beer and women having an excuse to wear tight and revealing green clothing. The hope is that these colors will still be relevant as people will get so drunk they end up puking up green bile.

President Obama recently spoke of his support for this change. “Most Americans are too stupid to understand the real meaning behind St. Patrick’s Day anyway. It only tarnishes Irish history and gets in the way of things our country is really about – alcoholism, degrading women, and partying.”

By removing the Irish component to the holiday, people of all backgrounds will be able to feel more welcome to celebrate it. In fact, changing the title to National Drunk Day invites the diversity of the American spirit, as it truly defines the nation’s Greatest Past-time.

Some opposition to this change has made its way to the surface, mostly in the form of those trying to “maintain the intellectual integrity of our nation.” Their cries fall on deaf – and mostly drunk – ears, however, and show no promise of having any sway.

Afroman To Be Charged With Murder After Assaulted Fan Dies

afroman arrested


BILOXI, Mississippi – 

Singer-songwriter Joseph Foreman aka Afroman, best known for his 2001 hit “Because I Got High”, is reportedly to be charged with the murder of Pink Platino. The girl died days after being knocked unconscious by a roundhouse punch that was, actually, pretty darn impressive for a forty-year-old stoner. Although Platino was initially thought to be uninjured, the sheer humiliation of the event, combined with internal bleeding in her brain, caused an unexpected hemorrhage.

“There’s a bunch of things that she knew she’d never live down,” said Mauve Platino, Pink’s sister. “Firstly, she was at a damn Afroman gig, a guy who had one hit that only stoners knew existed. The entire family cringed when we heard that she was there. Secondly, she was getting sexy with Afroman on stage, and someone caught that shit on film. Thirdly, a hit from Afroman was enough to send her to the ground. Jesus, I’m embarrassed to be related to her.”

Pink’s friends, however, came to her defense. “Pink was just a chiller,” said friend Matt “Matty-boy” Jacbos. “She was just chillin’ up there. Why can’t anyone just chill these days without getting smashed in the face?”

Lawyer John McDougal, who will represent the Platino family, was bullish about their chances at getting justice.

“It’s all on video,” he told media outlet TMZ. “He definitely can’t say ‘It Wasn’t Me,’ this time.”

When it was pointed out to McDougal that he was referring to a Shaggy song, the lawyer mumbled something about having lots of black stoner friends, and refused to comment further.

Afroman came out in his own defense, saying that it only happened because it was an early afternoon show, and he had not had a chance to take his “medication” yet.

Legal expert, Ziggy Fernandez, played down the chances that the singer would end up in prison.

“Seriously, no jury is going to take pity on the type of girl who attended Afroman concerts,” Fernandez said. “I think pretty much everyone agrees that if you go to an Afroman concert, you deserve to be knocked unconscious. If you die, well, you know, that’s just the way shit falls sometimes.”


Marijuana Infused Desserts To Be Made Legal For Sale Nationwide

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Marijuana Infused Desserts To Be Made Legal For Sale Nationwide

Peter Carlton, Chief of political negotiations for the National Board of Marijuana Legalities, announced this morning that marijuana-infused brownies and other pastries will be declared legal, once President Obama signs the bill into law.

Carlton, who made the highly anticipated announcement on Capitol Hill, says that congress made the right decision while ultimately making history.

“This is a huge step toward the overall legalization of marijuana. Once the bill is signed into law,  it will bring the federal government one step closer to ending the unjustified prohibition of marijuana in the United States of America,” Carlton told the Associated Press. “All American citizens aged twenty-one and over will be able to walk into any liquor store in America, and purchase marijuana infused brownies, cakes, and cookies. I don’t know about you but I call this progress.”

The Obama Administration has made its pro-stance on marijuana well-known, and the President is expected to sign the bill based on statements he made last week at the National Convention of Innovative Nature Provisions and Resources.

“As our hard-working, blue-collar nation, consisting of the great, good-hearted people of America, moves forward one more huge step every day, we realize that many great opportunities lie before us. For instance, the use of taxable medical marijuana and the idea of the complete legalization of recreational marijuana for the use of Americans citizens, who are trusted with consistent and proper judgement. These are the kind of ideas that will cause our struggling but transcending economy to flourish,” President Obama stated during a speech at the annual convention held in Denver, Colorado.

While more and more members of the government are being persuaded daily that the eventual legalization of the schedule I drug is beneficial to all of America, some American citizens say legalizing the pot laced desserts it’s a disgrace such as Jim Pinkerton, a seventy-five year old resident of Huntsville, Alabama.

“I tell ya what it is, it is a disgrace the way our damn government is trying to turn our people into a country of interracial-loving dope heads. My daddy didn’t fight in World War I for a country of these damn liberal pot heads,” Pinkerton said.

The bill is expected to be signed by President Obama next month, and the desserts will be available within the weeks following.



Kindergarten Teacher Arrested For Having Sex With Student, Says ‘I Want To Marry Him’

BROKEN ARROW, Oklahoma – teacher sex with student

A 27-yr-old kindergarten school teacher was arrested on Monday for allegedly having sex with a student. The teacher, Sara Styles, was released on bail and was quoted as she left the courthouse saying, “I love him, and I want to marry him.” The student’s name was not immediately released due to the circumstances of the incident.  

“I love him, and he loves me,” said Styles in an interview with a local Oklahoma newspaper. “He makes me so happy, I want to marry him. I don’t care about the age difference, 20 years from now what will it matter? He has already said he will wait for me if I have to go to jail. We met on the playground after school about two months ago, and it’s been a whirlwind romance ever since. We never had sex on school grounds, so I don’t see what the big deal is.”

“I don’t see this case going anywhere, personally. I mean, I’m pretty sure that the kid knew what he was doing. Plus, Miss Styles is reportedly a very good teacher, I’m sure she showed him some good tricks,” said Police Chief Charles Gordon. “If anything, the kid should get a medal. All the officers were giving him high fives when he came by the police station. I mean shit, did you see Miss Styles? She’s smokin’ hot. I wish I was so lucky when I was a kid. All my teachers were old nuns.”

Superintendent Joel Olsen of the Broken Arrow School District said that Miss Styles met the student in question during an after school field day sponsored by the high school.

“The student Miss Styles is involved with is a 18-year-old senior, who was volunteering during the field day activities. While it’s certainly not illegal for a 25-year-old woman to have sex with a 18-year-old, it is illegal for a teacher to have sex with a student, whether that student is one of her own or not,” said Olsen. “We’re taking the matter very seriously, and Miss Styles has been put on leave with pay, per her union contract.”

Newly Appointed Texas Sheriff Promises To ‘Look The Other Way’ On Crimes Against Illegals

BROOKS COUNTY, Texas – Newly Appointed Texas Sheriff Promises To 'Look The Other Way' On Crimes Against Illegals

Sheriff “Big Roy” Wayne of Brooks County, Texas almost single-handedly declared an open hunting season on illegal immigrants in his county when he released a statement to the press yesterday morning announcing that he would be ‘looking the other way’ on crimes against illegal immigrants in his county. The announcement has brought both praise from Texas locals, and promise of lawsuits from human rights groups and the ACLU.

”If President Obama can pick and choose which laws he wants to enforce, so can I, because in Brooks County I am the law. I choose to ignore crimes against illegals, not because I hate them, but because we can’t afford them,” said Sheriff Wayne. “Obama lets them cross the border, I can’t stop that, but I can make it so uncomfortable here they steer clear of my county. We ain’t got enough jobs for our citizens, we have good people, tax payers who want me to do something about the illegal problem.

Wayne said that he isn’t expecting that anyone literally go out and kill illegal immigrants, but that a little rough-housing might make them think twice before sneaking in.

“Now, I ain’t saying I want anyone killing them illegals, but smack them around a little – sure, that’s okay. Beat them up real good, take what little belongings they have – Hell, why not? They’re taking from you, so take it back. Once word gets out about my plans, I am hoping that illegals will avoid Brooks County and we can get this ugliness behind us. Tomorrow, volunteers will be putting up signs all around the county that say, in Mexican, ‘U.S. Citizens Only – All Others Will Be Removed Violently! You Are Not Welcome In Brooks County!'” 

“If you commit a crime against an illegal, that’s wrong, but if you’re an illegal, that’s wrong – so I guess two wrongs can make a right!” said United States Senator Ted Cruz. “It’s so genius, I wish I had thought of that. Vote for me for President, and I’ll make that the law of the land!”


Missouri Governor Announces ‘Police-Free Zone’ In Ferguson

JEFFERSON CITY, Missouri – Missouri Governor Announces 'Police-Free Zone' In Ferguson

Missouri Governor Jay Nixon announced today in a prepared statement the creation of a Police-Free zone within the city limits of Ferguson. The zones will be in neighborhoods with high a African-American population, and if successful could be a model for other cities such as Chicago and New York.

“It has become clear that the police are not welcome in certain areas of Ferguson. If a police car cannot be driven down a street without rocks being thrown at it or shots taken, it is clear that a police presence is not welcomed,” said Gov. Jay Nixon. “I cannot guarantee our officers safety in highly populated African-American neighborhoods, so if they don’t want us there, that’s what I’ll give them. I will no longer put police in danger, no 911 calls will be answered and no crimes investigated in these newly formed ‘Police Free Zones/’ They can loot and riot all they want in their own neighborhoods as long as the stay out of the good areas.”

“I applaud the Governor’s decision,” said Police Chief Thomas Jackson. “With the Brown ruling coming back and violence beginning already, we needed this ruling and we got it. Starting tomorrow there we will be corded-off areas of Ferguson with checkpoints leading in and out of the police free zones. Anyone wishing to enter may at their own risk, people trying to leave a police free zone will be searched and questioned. This move will not only make it safer for officers to do their jobs, but save taxpayers money because 98% of lawsuits against the police come from these black neighborhoods. We are hoping that this will help their community find the utopia they’re looking for – a place with no laws and authority, and no white cops to be harassed by.”

 “I wont have to worry ’bout no police shooting my babies now, just because they wear hoodies and like to steal a little bit,” said Shanda Charles, a resident of Ferguson. “You see, for the first time in my life, I wont feel like a criminal just because I’m black. I don’t have a record, and don’t wanna be treated like I do. I’m sure the gangs will do a better job at keeping us safe that the police ever could, and that’s a price I’m willing to pay for. At least they won’t harass me for ‘driving while black’ while they checkin’ out my boobs.”


Casey Anthony Adopts 3-Year-Old Girl From Florida Foster Care Center

ORLANDO, Florida – Casey Anthony Adopts 3-Year-Old Girl From Florida Foster Care Center

Public court records reveal that Casey Anthony has adopted a 3-year-old girl from the Florida Foster Care and Adoption Agency. Casey Anthony is the infamous mother accused in the murder of her then 2-year-old daughter Caylee, in the 2011 trial that riveted the nation. Anthony and her lawyers were somehow able to overcome a mountain of evidence and, in a verdict that shocked the world, was found not guilty by a jury of people who must have been some of the stupidest people alive.

“I take my job seriously, and all applicants for adoption go through a rigorous screening process. I have to look at the facts, and the fact is, Casey was found not guilty in the murder of her natural-born daughter,” said Martha McDonald, the social worker in charge of the adoption. “The other fact is, we need to find homes for children in the foster care system. Casey filed all the paperwork properly, she has a home, a part-time job, and I think she just wants to have a normal life and have a family again. I wish their new family all the best, and I will probably check in with them from time to time, if I think of it, to make sure everything is okay – at least for the first month or two.”

Reporters found Anthony unboxing hammers for a display at the Home Depot, where she apparently works part-time as an associate. “Yup, it’s true. I’m going to be a mom again! I’m happy. Maggie, that’s my new daughter’s name, by the way, Maggie – she is happy. I just want to forget that whole former life and tragedy surrounding it, and move on. Maggie and I have a lot to look forward to. She’s excited about her new pre-school, we are having a pool installed, and I met a wonderful man. I just have to change his mind about not wanting children, though. Life is certainly looking up!”


Man Arrested for Tattooing 1-Year-Old Baby

AUTUMNVILLE, California – Man Arrested for Tattooing 1-Year-Old Baby

A tattoo artist is behind bars this afternoon after allegedly tattooing a one year old baby at his shop in Autumnville. The artist, Charles Dennett, 24, who goes by the nickname ‘Red,’ has been making a career out of tattooing since the age of 18.

According to reports, a couple brought in their baby to the Inks & Stuff tattoo studio last Saturday afternoon, and asked Dennett to adorn their child with a Japanese Kanji. Dennett claims that although he did perform the tattoo, it is the parents who are to blame, not him.

“I get paid to tattoo people and I don’t discriminate with race, religion, or age,” said Dennett. “They were cash customers, and they came in prepared, knowing all about tattoos and what they wanted for their baby. In this state, if you are underage and your parents come in with you and agree that it is okay, then it’s not illegal.  I don’t see the problem here. The parents literally begged me to do the tattoo and I feel that they are to blame for this, not me. I was just doing my job, man.”

The tattoo that the parents picked out was a Kanji that in English meant ‘respect.’ They had Dennett tattoo their baby on his arm. His parents, who happen to be covered in tattoos, did admit that their son may have been too young to get ‘inked’, as they called it, but wanted their son to live by the meaning of the tattoo, and never forget to treat others well.

“Respect, in the form of a kanji, is the perfect thing to get as a first tattoo. We were debating, honestly, between the kanji, a bar code, or a tribal band around his little arm, but we figured the kanji would mean the most in his future,” said Kelly Randall, the mother of the baby.

Dennett is currently being held in the county jail, unable to pay his $5,000 bail. He is facing charges of assault and endangering the welfare of a child.

“I still don’t see the big deal. If he doesn’t like it down the road, it’s not like he can’t get the thing covered. I mean hell, it’s really tiny. I’ll tell you, the kid is going to be all about tattoos later in life. He sat like a f—— champ, too,” said Dennett.

The Randalls, Kelly and Jordan, say that they don’t know why it is such a big deal.

“We’ve got two other kids, a 9-year-old and a 13-year-old. They both love getting tattoos!” said Jordan. “You know what they say, once you get one, you’ll never be done.”


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