Couple Who Won $1B Powerball Jackpot Found Dead In Their Home In Apparent Murder/Suicide

Posted on February 8, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHOENIX, Arizona –

Mary and George Ripkin of Phoenix, Arizona, were found dead in their home Monday morning after a neighbor called 911, reporting that they heard gunshots coming from inside the home. The Ripkins recently won the largest jackpot in history, which netted the couple over a half a billion dollars once split between other prize winners.

“I hear a couple of people yelling, then a gunshot, then everything was silent,” said a neighbor, Felicia McGregor. “I couldn’t quite make out what they were saying, but I did hear them talking about whether to get a yacht or just buy an island.”

According to police, George McGregor shot his wife, and then hung himself in the family den. A Facebook status that he left stated that they were going to donate all the money they had won to a lucky winner who shared, liked, or commented on the post. As of the time of this writing, the post had been shared more than 2.6 million times, although lawyers for the couple say that the post does not constitute a legally binding contract, and no one will be getting the money for sharing the post.

Teen Cooks Child She Was Babysitting In Oven After Taking ‘Bad Acid’

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A 17-year-old teen has been arrested and charged with drug abuse and murder after she allegedly cooked a child she was babysitting in an oven. The teen claims that she didn’t do it on purpose, and that she honestly mistook the child for a turkey while she was “high on some bad acid.”

“I’m going to be honest – I was tripping balls when it happened,” said the teen, Marissa Fleming. “My boyfriend Tim and I, we just got into doing psychedelics. I’ve been tripping on mushrooms lately, and wanted to try acid. I tell you, the trip was intense and awesome, but I never even realized what I was doing when I set the over to 350.”

Fleming had been babysitting the 11-month-old toddler on the weekends since November, and the baby’s parents – who wish to remain anonymous, said that they couldn’t believe that it happened.

“Marissa is such a nice girl, and she really did love our baby,” said the mother. “[name redacted] and I, we have been together since high school, and this was our first baby after 20 years of marriage. We are definitely chilled to the bone about what happened, and extremely depressed, but at the same time, we experimented when we were her age, too, and I for one know how crazy shit gets when you’re tripping balls.”

“We don’t blame Marissa for what happened, we blame the public schools for removing the D.A.R.E. program from most areas,” said the father of the deceased child. “Marissa might have known better not to babysit on acid if she had only been able to hear it directly from the mouth of Daren The Lion. Now she has to live with this guilt for the rest of her life, and we had to get a new oven to remove the stench from the house.”

Heroin Addict Kills Mother In Front of Family, Blames It On ‘Having A Bad Day’

Posted on January 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DRESDEN, Mississippi –

Keith Jordon admits he killed his mother and says the reason she is dead is that he was having a stressful day. Jordon had been fired from his job two months before, for poor attendance, and his roommates were now kicking him out because he wasn’t able to make rent.

Jordon’s sister, Denise Jordon, witnessed the brutal attack on their mother. “She’d already given him money for last month’s rent, but of course he used it for drugs. Here he was, begging for more. When she refused to give it to him, he stabbed her.”

Keith Jordon reportedly stabbed his mother five times, and then continued to stand over her and kick her, which he blames on the fact he was withdrawing from Suboxone.

Although Suboxone is often prescribed for opiate addiction, Jordan had been getting it on the streets since a local drug bust interrupted his heroin supply.

“People are forgetting how I feel. It really hurts me that my mom is gone. I really want to just zonk right out and not think about it. They won’t even give you a Valium in jail, man. I thought I was supposed to get medical care in here.”

Jordon also blames the system for contributing to the situation. “If they would just stop this stupid war on drugs, I would still be able to get my heroin on the cheap like it was. None of this would have ever happened.”

Homicide Investigator, Edward Watson says, “This is typical addict behavior. He had no money and a trigger. Boom. Clear motive. He confessed immediately after being detained.”

Judge Releases Steven Avery From Prison After Realizing He’s Not Black

Posted on January 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MANITOWOC COUNTY, Wisconsin –

After looking over the case of Steven Avery, the man who spent 18 years in prison for a crime he didn’t commit before being exonerated and then re-arrested on separate murder charges, Judge Joe Goldsmith has said he will sign for the release of Avery, after determining that he was not, in fact, black.

“In is a grave miscarriage of justice when a man who is not a minority is treated with such loathe and disrespect by the American Judicial System and by police and government agencies,” said Judge Goldsmith. “When the case was brought to my attention, and the facts presented to me, I naturally assumed that he must be guilty, but that – based on harassment he’s received over the years from law enforcement – that he must also be black. Imagine my shock when I started watching Making a Murderer on Netflix, and discovered that Steven Avery is a white man.”

Goldsmith says that he plans to discuss the case with prosecutors in Manitowoc County, who may bring charges on local officers guilty of harassing a man who does not fit the “minority minimums” for legal and allowed police harassment.

“Steven Avery is way, way too white to be receiving such mistreatment, and as such, he will be released in the coming weeks with a full pardon,” said Avery’s law team. “We are extremely grateful for Judge Goldsmith’s swift hand of justice, and we look forward to the trials of police who are guilty of giving a white man a bum deal.”

Serial Killer Leaves Saltine Crackers On White-Only Victims; Dubbed ‘Cracka-Killer’

Posted on January 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

The FBI is offering a reward for information leading to identification of the “Cracka-Killer,” who has nine confirmed kills, all of whom were strangled and found with a single saltine cracker placed over each eye. The Cracka-Killer is assumed to be an unmarried black man, age 28-40, who feels “wronged by the white man.” His victims have all been white men and women above age thirty, and were residents of Massachusetts and New York State.

According to John Douglas, a former chief of FBI’s serial crime unit, there are conservatively between 35 and 50 active serial killers on the loose in the US at any given time. Most do not leave such an obvious calling card.

As many tips are expected to flood in, the FBI reminds the public not to call in to report every gang member or man of color buying crackers.

Resident Jay-Rod Brown is offended that they assume it’s a black man. “It’s actually racist to assume the killer is a black man. Maybe he isn’t calling them ‘crackas,’ maybe his momma didn’t give him enough soup as a child. You never know what’s in a psycho’s mind. Or it’s some old cracka who wants to put the suspicion on someone else. That’s my theory.”

Robert Fratta Kills Himself 12 Years Into Life Sentence; Note Blames Taunting From Inmates

Posted on January 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

Fratta, the sexual deviant who made headlines for killing his wife back in 1994, has reportedly killed himself in prison. The suicide note says other prisoners, who had heard the details of his case, would not stop pinning him down and defecating on his chest. Fratta also denied the allegations that he had ever liked it, saying he “never had asked his former wife to do something so disgusting, either.”

Bob Fratta was convicted of hiring Joseph Prystash and Howard Guidry to kill his wife, Farrah Fratta, who was shot twice in the head with a .38 caliber pistol outside her home. The killing occurred during the course of a custody battle between the victim and her husband. In the custody papers, Farah cites Bob Fratta’s sexual perversions as one of the reasons for divorce.

Bob Fratta reportedly had been going to the prison chapel frequently, asking forgiveness for his sins in the months prior to hanging himself in his jail cell. Prison officials say there were no reports of the alleged assaults on the prisoner.

Woman Pushes Wife Down Stairs, Blames It On Cat; Later Arrested For Strangling Cat To Death

Posted on January 20, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DELUTH, Mississippi –

Evie Pipkin has been charged with animal cruelty and first degree murder after she allegedly threw her wife, Michelle Chen, down the stairs of their home and told police she had tripped over the cat. Days after the murder, Pipkin strangled the cat and posted a picture on Facebook saying; “It had to be done. Feeling: sad.”

Friend of the couple Laura Shealy says, “She made a big show out of strangling the cat, like the cat had intentionally tripped Michelle. What kind of person could even think of doing that? What kind of person thinks that’s the right thing to do? That’s when we knew she had killed Michelle. Deep in my heart I always knew, but that right there, that’s case closed in my book.”

Police picked Pipkin up on charges of animal cruelty, and questioned her further about the death of her wife. Pipkin denies harming Chen. “We just got married in October after the law was passed. We were still in the honeymoon phase. I know now I should just have brought Shadow to the Humane Society, but I was just so angry. I couldn’t think clearly in my grief.”

Police say they are holding Chen on the animal cruelty charges, but she will remain a prime suspect in the death of Pipkin, which they have yet to rule an accident.

Baby Taken Into Police Custody After Killing, Eating Parents

Posted on November 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOISE, Idaho –

A 2-month old baby was taken into police custody after reportedly killing and eating its own parents in Boise, Idaho, say police. Sources inside the investigation say they are still trying to determine how, exactly, the baby was able to kill his parents – Kathy and Michael Davidson, both 30 – and eat them without anyone hearing cries for help.

Rosie Jenkins, a neighbor, who asked not to be identified, said that she heard the baby laughing for quite a while, but she didn’t hear anyone playing with him or talking back.

“The baby’s name is Jarod,” said Ms. Jenkins. “And he always seemed like such a happy baby. I am so shocked and surprised at this turn of events, because normally a baby so happy like that doesn’t turn to violence until much, much later. And to have eaten his own parents! My God, it’s crazy. That’s the world we live in now, I guess. You never know someone until they’re being arrested.”

“This whole thing is a real mystery,” said Boise police chief Mark Hall. “I’ve been on the force over 20 years, and never have a seen a baby act this violently. The scene – the house, the tables, the walls, even the baby – they were all covered in blood and gore. It was a disaster.”

Police say that they are struggling to question the 2-month old, as of right now, Jarod doesn’t speak. They say that they plan to keep him in a holding cell until such time as he learns to talk, and then they plan to try and question him again.

Woman Arrested After Bludgeoning Boyfriend To Death With Game Controller; ‘He Chose Fallout 4 Over Me’

Posted on November 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COMPTON, California –

Lakeesha Wallace, 26, was arrested yesterday after reportedly bludgeoning her boyfriend, Jamal Jones, 27, to death with a Playstation 4 contoller. The couple allegedly argued because Wallace said that Jones was spending “too much time” playing the new video game Fallout 4, and was ignoring her.

“That sonofabitch was playing that game non-stop since it dropped. All day, all night, that mothafucka ain’t done shit around the house,” said Wallace. “I gots me some needs too, and if a brother ain’t about to put down the controller and feast on what I got to offer, then a mothafucka don’t need to be breathing no more.”

Police say that Wallace has been extremely vocal about killing Jones since the second they arrested her.

“She has bragged, multiple times now, that she is, in fact, the one who stabbed Jamal Jones, her boyfriend, to death,” said Police Chief Larry Wiggin. “There is no question to the motives or the crime, as Ms. Wallace has, frankly, refused to stop talking since we brought her in.”

“I tell ya’ll another thing – ya’ll better not even think about giving me no death penalty,” said Wallace to investigators. “I think I done enough time not having my pooney touched in the last 2 weeks thanks to some stupid shooting game. Don’t you think I got enough bullshit on my mind that I don’t need to be dealing with no electric chair? Shit, ya’ll mothafuckas need Jesus if you think I ain’t a strong-ass woman, ain’t afraid of shit.”

Coincidentally, Wallace faces the death penalty in the state of California for her crime.

Canadian Man Arrested For Violent Slaying Of Multiple Teenagers At Bowling Alley

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

VICTORIA, BC, Canada –

A Canadian man was arrested yesterday after allegedly violently murdering 7 teenagers in a Victoria bowling alley, reportedly bludgeoning some with a bowling pin, while at least one was killed via a shotgun blast to the head.

In what police are saying is the most violent, brutal death they’ve ever seen, the suspect also killed one teen by violently shoving his face into a Wax-O-Matic bowling ball waxer, causing the teen’s skin to practically melt off.

“It’s the most terrible thing I’ve seen in 27 years of being on the force,” said police chief Ryan Ellis. “We received reports that a group of teens had been allowed to enter the Bowl-O-Rama after hours by the facility’s evening janitor. Over the course of the night, our suspect meticulously killed each teen off in extremely violent, and bloody ways.”

The scene was completely blocked off from access for reporters, but several eye-witnesses on the scene say that there may have been at least one survivor. Police indicate that they are not currently releasing any names of the victims, and that they have not been able to name the suspect, except to say that he was employed by the Bowl-O-Rama.

“The suspect we arrested was a janitor for the facility,” said Ellis. “He refuses to give us his name, and has said that he will only answer to the initials B.B.K., although we do not know if those are his initials or a pseudonym. He has indicated to us that these teens all deserved to die, but has not said why he felt this way. We are still investigating.”

Ellis says that the suspect was arrested while wearing a bowling bag over his face, a bowling shirt, and carrying several bowling pins in a homemade belt.