Wendy’s Employee Kills Manager After Having Time Off Request Denied

Posted on October 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BROOKLYN, New York –

An employee at a Wendy’s location has been arrested after allegedly killing his boss when his time off request was denied.

Jerald Marques, 26, was arrested after another Wendy’s employee called 911 on Wednesday evening. The call, which was made to police around 6pm, recorded the voice of a frightened woman who was calling from inside the kitchen of the Wendy’s.

“Oh my God, my God! Jerald done killed the boss! He just killed the manager!” said the unknown caller. Police arrived on the scene to find Marques casually eating a cheeseburger in the dining room of the restaurant. He was reportedly covered in blood and mustard.

“I asked for Halloween off almost over two months ago, and that dumb muthafucka denied my request,” said Marques. “I wanted to take my baby girl out trick-or-treating, and he said I couldn’t. Well fuck him, I do what I wanna do.”

Marques was arrested and taken into custody. He is scheduled to be arraigned on Monday. He is charged with assault with a deadly weapon (metal spatula), and murder in the first degree.

Actor From State Farm Insurance Commercials Killed By Wife Over Alleged Infidelity

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Justin Campbell, the actor who played the husband in the infamous “Jake From State Farm/State of Unrest” State Farm commercials, has reportedly been murdered in his home in Los Angeles. The alleged assailant, Campbell’s wife, Mary, has been taken into police custody.

“Justin was an amazing guy, and he was hilarious,” said an anonymous friend. “I’ve known him nearly 20 years. I don’t know why Mary would do such a thing. She is a sweet lady. I can’t imagine what happened in that house last night.”

“I used to catch him up all the time, talking on the phone in the middle of the night,” said Mary while being questioned by police. “He told me he was just talking to his agents, or working to get new roles. But I knew that it wasn’t the case. He was up talking to other women on the phone. That commercial he was in, that was true to life! It happened! I know it did! Typecasting! Typecasting!”

Campbell, who is best known for playing a husband taking advantage of State Farm Insurance Company’s 24-hour customer service hotline, but is accused by a nagging wife of talking to a phone sex operator, was also known for small roles in Hollywood films such as The Hurt Locker and The Naked Brothers Band: The Movie.

Reps for Campbell could not be reached for comment, but sources close to the family say that Campbell requested that he be buried in anything other than khakis.

Uber To Begin Offering ‘Rape Free’ Rides For Customers Who Pay Upcharge

Posted on October 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

After the recent conviction of a former Uber driver who kidnapped and raped a young woman, the “personal taxi” service has announced that they will now be offering a guaranteed “no rape” ride, offering passengers who opt to use their service to get to their destination without the “hassle” of being raped by the driver.

“We know that there are a lot of incidents out there of rape, kidnapping, and other nasty or sexual crimes,” said Uber spokesperson Jeff Glum. “We at Uber do not want any of our customers to get raped, because we know that rape is bad for business. So we have initiated an intense screening process to choose only those drivers who have less than a 1% chance of rape, and started our new “no rape” ride plans.”

According to Glum, the rape-less rides will cost a bit more, but that they will personally guarantee your safety.

“It will be a flat fee of an extra $30 per person, per ride, to enjoy our no-rape rides, but we feel that amount is a pittance to pay in comparison to your own, personal safety,” said Glum. “We want to stop the rapes before they become something more, like deaths. $30 to save your life? You’d be foolish not to take advantage of it.”

Glum says that Uber will begin the rape-free rides on November 1st. The app will be updated to indicate who is nearby that will not rape you.

Handgun Charged With Murder Of 3 In Virginia

Posted on August 29, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

MONETA, Virginia –

In a shocking series of events, a semi-automatic handgun has been charged with the murder of 3 people in Moneta, Virginia, after a widely-broadcast shooting recently took place. Prosecutors are saying that since the alleged shooter was also killed, the only responsible party remaining is the actual gun itself.

“After murdering two people, the gunman used this semi-automatic pistol to then kill himself, leaving nothing behind except for the gun,” said prosecuting attorney Myles Shepherd. “Guns are extremely dangerous, and we feel it is time that they should be held accountable for their crimes.”

Attorneys for the defense team say that the Ruger semi-automatic handgun was acting under the control of someone else, and should therefore not be held accountable for its actions.

“This gun was simply doing what guns were made to do, and that’s fire off rounds shamelessly into the bodies of other people, even if that happens on national TV and in videos posted to social media,” said defense attorney Jeremiah Clifford. “Yes, people were killed. Yes, it was senseless and violent. But is that really the fault of the gun, or the person who was holding it? Everyone knows that guns don’t kill people, people kill people.”

“People may kill people, sure, but guns kill way more often. We strongly believe that guns are to blame for the crime and hate in this world, and that finally holding the weapon responsible will force peace everywhere,” said Shepherd. “Guns across the globe will be afraid to fire. They will no longer hurt and kill innocent people. They will be held accountable for their actions, and we may finally get some resolution to the problems of violence plaguing our nation.”

A hearing is set for this week in the Moneta County court system. If convicted, the gun could, ironically, face the death penalty.

Man Beats Wife To Death After She Burns His Steak Dinner

Posted on May 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MOBILE, Alabama –

A Mobile man, Joel Randolph, 51, was taken into custody after he admitted to police officers that he had murdered his wife of 11 years, Janet Randolph, 38. According to police reports, Randolph murdered his wife after he arrived home from work and found that she had burned his steak dinner.

“For years, my lovely cooked the meat perfectly. Oh, how lovely cooked the meat,” said Randolph. “I came home from work, and I could even smell it far away. I walk in the door, and she had burned the steak. Burned that bastard to a crisp. It was disgusting. I work hard for the money that purchased the meat, and I’m sorry, but it’s unforgivable.”

Police chief Carl Moore said that Randolph was being arraigned later this week, and if convicted, could face life in prison.

“I wish this was still the good ol’ days, when only men served on the jury,” said Randolph. “I’d never be convicted it it were men. They know how to keep a good wife in line, and if she burns the meat, she deserves whatever is coming to her.”

Randolph says that although he regrets admitting to the crime, he does not regret that it happened.

“She tried to apologize, too. ‘Hope you got strong teeth today, Joel,’ is what she said. ‘I’m sorry, I burned the steak!’ Well bitch, I have strong teeth, but I got a stronger backhand, apparently. We used to have no strife in our relationship – she was a lovely, lovely wife. What a shame to have it end like this.”

Several Southern States Consider Legalizing Murder Of African-Americans To Better Serve Police Forces

Posted on April 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUSTIN, Texas –

Several states throughout the southern part of the country, including Texas, Kentucky, and Alabama, are considering passing laws that will legalize the violent murders of African-Americans by policemen and women, to help ‘better serve’ the officers, who many legislators are saying have a job that is tough enough without worrying about possible arrest and conviction themselves.

“There have been several high-profile arrests and trials of white police officers over the last several years after they have been accused of killing ‘innocent’ black men in the streets,” said congressman Vinnie Relso (R-Texas). “I brought forth these new laws, new concepts, because I want our men and women in blue to feel safe. Safe on the streets, safe in their jobs, and safe from prosecution from having to use their weapons in the line of duty.”

Relso says that he has garnered much support from other members of congress, as well as constituents in his home state of Texas.

“Oh hell yes, I don’t see a problem at all with killing a couple gang-banging spooks once in a while,” said Austin resident Gil Myers. “Back when I was a kid, we didn’t have gangs. We sure as shit didn’t have blacks. Now Austin is a violent city full of violent criminals. I don’t carry if a black kid’s got a gun or not when he’s walking down the street. If a police officer wants him to stop and answer some questions, there’s probably a reason. If the officer has to gun him down, shit, he probably had a reason, too. No harm, no foul.”

Many opponents of the proposed bill have stepped up to rally against Relso, who says he has received many death threats since the news first broke of his plans.

“To be honest, though, I don’t pay those threats any mind whatsoever,” said Relso. “As far as I’m concerned, all the emails are from well-to-do blackies and their well-to-do liberal friends, and they’ll never even attempt to say the same things to my face. Besides, everyone knows that no Democrat can fire a gun with an accuracy, anyway.”

Suge Knight Continues Faking Illnesses To Gain Sympathy, Get Jail Time Lowered

Posted on March 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

After Suge Knight collapsed in court on Tuesday, reports suggest that the rapper is to continue faking illness until he either receives a light sentence or total reprieve. Knight is on trial for armed robbery, as well as the more recent alleged murder of two rivals. If found guilty, he may spend the rest of his life behind bars, bringing to an end the career of a man who has been a continual threat to the safety of important players in the rap industry.

“Fainting was quite the move – I think he got that one from Oscar Pistorius,” said attorney, Theo Groenwalt. “Next, he’s going to do the puking, maybe pull out clumps of hair. Who knows? He might even expose himself to toxic levels of radiation and contract cancer. That would get him sympathy at least.”

Knight already spent 5 years in jail which ended in 2001, for an assault he committed with compatriot Tupac Shakur, shortly before Shakur’s still unsolved murder. Speculation further suggests that Knight may have had a role to play in the rap legend’s death. He was in the same car at the time of the fatal drive-by shooting.

“I’m glad he’s going to rot in prison,” said rap fan, Michael Trent. “I’m sure he killed 2Pac, and with him the heart and soul of the music industry. I can’t forgive him for that.”

But Knight is already well on his way to a reduced sentence. Associates say that it is unlikely that the badass rapper is really going to be felled by some minor illness, and that he must have a plan in place.

“My man Suge knows hot to deal,” said one friend. “He got a brilliant plan goin. Get publicity, get a court date, then get the fuck outta there.”

The office of the public prosecutor has, however, assured the public that Knight will not get off scot-free. They promised that the only way he gets let out because of illness, is if he dies from it. Then, they said, they’ll “be proved wrong. But we’re willing to take the chance.”

Man Arrested For Killing Neighbor Tells Police ‘He Had A Bigger TV’

Posted on March 22, 2015 by Justin Birch

FAIRFIELD, New Hampshire –

Envy rears its ugly head yet again as a family is briefly left in tears over the death of James Moore, 29 – father, husband, and owner of a huge TV.

Police arrested Darnell Wilson, 23, at the scene of the crime shortly after it happened. He made no attempt to resist. During questioning, he gave an honest account of what happened, verified by the victim’s family.

“Day in, day out, they’d have that TV on. I could see it through my kitchen window – part of it anyway,” he explained. “The man’s TV was at least 70 inches. What was I supposed to do? Any self-respecting man would’ve done the same.”

In a fit of jealousy and embarrassment at his mediocre 42-inch TV, Wilson paid his neighbor a visit with a fully loaded handgun. Moore’s family, initially grief-stricken and confused, came to visit Wilson and express their sympathy. Carla, wife of the deceased, said her husband “probably would have done the same” if they had such a tiny TV. The family is pressing charges regardless, because they are Americans, after all.

While Wilson is facing a trial, police say a murder penalty is unlikely due to the circumstances. The sentence is likely to be two years maximum for aggravated embarrassment with a capitalist-conditioning plea.

“I mean, it’s not like he stole our TV,” Carla said. “I’d be okay with just getting some money out of the whole thing. James didn’t have life insurance.”

The family has since purchased heavier window curtains to avoid similar annoyances in the future.

Man Charged With Conspiracy To Commit Murder After Giving Go-Ahead To Hit Man Who Texted Wrong Number

Posted on March 15, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Carl Delgado, 27, of Chicago has been charged with conspiring to murder after a hit man, 45-year-old Carlos Martinez, accidentally sent a text to his phone instead of its intended recipient with the question “So do you want me to take the bitch out or not, yes or no?” Delgado claims he believed the text to be a prank from a friend and replied, “Yeah, take her out, make sure to give her the special treatment, haha.”

Chicago police say Martinez then abducted and murdered 25-year-old Kaylee Jefferson, also of Chicago. Officers who were patrolling the Near North Side neighborhood spotted Martinez attempting to dump the young woman’s body into Lake Michigan and managed to capture him and retrieve the corpse. As detectives investigated the case, they found the text he had mistakenly sent to Delgado. Officers read the phone number to Martinez and asked about the text, and Martinez told them that it was not the intended phone number. The detectives then declared that Delgado had unknowingly green-lit the hit on Jefferson, but have still charged him with conspiracy to murder because “he shouldn’t have been playing around on the phone.”

Delgado’s lawyer, Carmine Appleseed, says that the charges should be dropped based on the fact that police know he did not know the man or what he was referring to. “Carl thought it was a friend, randomly texting him from an unknown number asking if they should take a girl out, like out on a date, he had no idea of the evil-mindedness intentions of Mr. Martinez.” Appleseed stated.

If convicted Delgado faces a possible sentence of 25 years to life without parole.

Texas Man Sentenced To Death For Cooking Girlfriends Dog, Serving It To Family For Dinner

Posted on March 10, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

DALLAS, Texas –

Anthony Rojas, 29, of Dallas, Texas has been sentenced to death by the state of Texas for cooking his live-in girlfriends dog, a three-year old Pomeranian named Bugsy, then serving it to the woman and her parents for dinner.

Gloria Martinez, 33, called police on the evening of October 22, 2013 after discovering that Rojas had cooked her beloved dog for dinner. In the official police report, Martinez stated that Rojas had offered to make dinner for her and her parents and had finished their meals and began calling for Bugsy to feed him leftovers. Martinez said that after her parents complimented Rojas on the meal and had left for the evening, that he then told her that he had cooked and served Bugsy for dinner because they had no meat and no money to buy any.

In a lengthy trial, prosecutors persuaded the jury that Rojas had planned to kill the pet, and that the act was indeed, premeditated murder of a loved family member. He was found guilty of first degree murder by the 12 jurors. Sentencing was then handled by Judge Mary Joe Henderson, who just happens to be a dog-loving owner of two Pomeranians of her own. She chastised Rojas during the hearing before sentencing. “Mr. Rojas, you are a coward and a murderer of a beloved family member, I hereby sentence you to death,” the Judge announced. The verdict is the first of its kind in the United States.

Martinez, pleased with the sentence stated that she believes Rojas deserved the death sentence, “Bugsy was my true love and he knew it, he was jealous, so he cooked him and fed him to me without me knowing, and it is sickening” Martinez said. When asked what Bugsy tasted like, Martinez told a reporter from the Dallas Herald that he “tasted like chicken.”