Ferguson Police Chief Denies Charges Of Racism, Claims ‘White Criminals Don’t Exist’

Posted on March 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

FERGUSON, Missouri –

Ever since the police shooting of Michael Brown in 2014, Ferguson, Missouri has become the site of heightened racial tensions and brought issues of color and privilege back into the spotlight. But the mostly white police force responsible for the death of the 18-year-old deny that they are racists, or that they have even subtle biases or prejudices. Rather, their explanation for the disproportionate amount of African-Americans being routinely stopped and held under suspicion, is that white criminals simply don’t exist.

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about,” said police chief Thomas Jackson. “Of course the force is mostly white. Of course we stop and search only African-Americans. And when an unarmed teen is shot by one of our officers, there’s no chance he’s gonna be white. But that’s not based on prejudice. Why would we search white Americans when we know that they’re not responsible for any crimes?”

Reporters asked Jackson how he could be sure white people weren’t responsible for crimes if they were never investigated.

“Why would we investigate them? That’s exactly what I’m asking! Since we know they don’t do bad things, there’s no reason to do so. It would just inconvenience innocent upstanding citizens.”

Reporters brought high profile examples of white convicts, such as James Holmes, who infamously shot and killed 13 moviegoers in an Aurora, Colorado cinema.

“But of course!” Jackson responded. “Movies aren’t real obviously. They’re there to show us things that we’d never see in real life – that’s why we go watch them. A white shooter in a cinema? Those definitely abound, but only because it never happens in real America.”

At press time, journalists and activists had given up on the police chief, stating that it’s pointless talking racism with someone who believes everything he thinks is true.

Poll Shows Large Portion Of U.S. Voters Think ‘Being Black’ Is Now Required Of Presidential Candidates

Posted on December 22, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a recent CNN Poll of likely voters, 49% said that they believed being black was now required to be President. The same poll also showed 37% believed the new requirement was to alternate between black and white Presidents. The last 14% believed that the next President has to be a woman.

“Well, that just shows how stupid polls are,” said Dennis Wallace, a 22-year-old registered Democrat. “All you ever hear is how inaccurate polls are, and I guess it’s true. I mean, how many whatevers does it take to screw in a light bulb, and that one about them having a screen door on their submarine – polls are stupid. Everyone knows the rule to electing a president is now black man, white woman, black woman, and then white man.”

23-year-old Regina Banks, who registered as an Independent said, “Doesn’t congress pick the President? I mean isn’t that’s why we elect them, to represent us? Or is that something to do with the election college, or…wait. No, we vote, and congress sends people to the election college to pick the president. Right?”

“I wish the people were right. Personally, I wouldn’t mind seeing more black Presidents,” said Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). “I always thought Denzel Washington would make a good President. He lives in my district, and if there was any chance we could get him to run, I would gladly write a bill requiring all Presidents to be black. You know if that happened, then the republicans would make a fuss and start waving the constitution around like a bunch of children.”

“It’s weird that just because we have a black president that people think they all have to be black from now on,” said Senator Ted Cruz, who has been considering a run for president in 2016. “I don’t want people to not vote for me if I run just because I’m not black, and they think I can’t win. No one thought that it was required of the president to be a fat jazz enthusiast after Clinton took office, so why would they have to be black because of Obama?”

Unarmed White Teen Killed By Black Police Officer – The Family’s Reaction Is Crazy!

Posted on December 19, 2014 by mike the inkman

NEW CANAAN, Connecticut –

The news of policemen shooting unarmed teens continues this week in suburban Connecticut, as Phillip Macinaw Jr., 17, was shot dead by police in the middle of a quiet street. Police say they incorrectly identified Macinaw as another teen they had been searching for who was thought to be involved in several home invasions.

Police reports show that the shooting happened after Macinaw was asked to hold up his hands, yet reached down into his waistband for what officers thought was a weapon. The object turned out to be a leather-bound date book filled with appointments, including fencing class and polo lessons.

The Macinaw family is distraught over the passing of their youngest son and are asking for their privacy, but were able to answer a few questions posed by media. When asked if they would be protesting the shooting, since their white son was killed by a black officer, Mrs. Macinaw dismissed it offhand.

“We all have jobs, and I head up the Charitable Women’s Society, so I don’t have a lot of time for the type of ‘protest’ you see on the news these days. Just because an incident involves people of different races doesn’t make it necessarily racist. I will be writing a letter to my Congressman about the level of training these officers receive, but I don’t believe I’ll be torching any police cars, no. My taxes helped buy them, after all,” said Charlene Macinaw, Phillip’s mother. “I helped allocate the monies for the town hall at the citizens meeting. I suppose when you aren’t paying for the infrastructure it must be easier to burn it down.”

Phillip Sr., despite the visible tears, was sympathetic to the officers involved.

“Phil wasn’t always the best listener. He had his flaws. I’m sure he ignored their warnings. I just feel terrible for these men who have to live the rest of their lives knowing that they took a life that didn’t need to be taken. These things aren’t always rational, but it is the civilized thing to do to keep a cool head. I may put in a stern letter to the Chief, but when you look at this like someone who has a little bit of sense, you see that nothing, no level of reaction, will bring your loved one back. You just have to learn how to cope instead of acting out and projecting.”

The identities of the officers involved in the shooting have not been released publicly. The police department has offered their deepest sympathies to the Macinaw family.

At Least 6 Confirmed Deaths Of White People During Ferguson Riots Ignored By Mainstream Media

Posted on November 26, 2014 by Angela Baker

FERGUSON, Missouri –

Reportedly, at least two white women and 4 white men have died in the Ferguson Riots currently stemming from the Michael Brown ruling, but mainstream media – including FOX News, CNN, and MSNBC – are too afraid to report on these deaths, in fear of enticing white people to join in on the riots and looting and causing a possible race war.

Mildred Crocker was the first white woman to die in the midst of the riots. Her grandson, Dave Crocker, is outraged that his interview with local news station KKTY has not made it on any national, or even local, networks.

“My grandmother went out to get her prescriptions filled, oblivious to the chaos out here. Grams doesn’t have TV and doesn’t care about news. Anyway, she saw so many spooks at once she fell to the curb, clutching her heart. Then those damn black EMTs passed right by her, instead attending to some stupid gang-banger looking motherf—– with a gash in his head. Grams was 72. She could’ve lived to 102 if those jigaboos had gotten her in that ambulance right away.”

Cindy Vanthomme, 38, was trampled to death as the initial peaceful protests turned to riots. As she lay bleeding on the ground, other rioters reportedly trampled her, and stripped her of the nine Chanel and Gucci handbags s that she had been carrying, stolen earlier from a local pawn shop. According to her well-to-do white family, Vanthomme hadn’t personally stolen them, and had more than likely been intending to turn the handbags into police.

“We are trying our best to make sure that the current level of violence does not increase, so we’ve taken steps to make sure certain ‘stories’ stay within the area,” said Joseph Goldsmith, a National Guard spokesman on duty in Ferguson. “The local police have made sure to remove all white police officers active response duty, so if anyone gets shot looting, it’s going to be a black on black crime. The National Guard has taken similar precautions. As white people, we can’t take any chances, here.”

“We ain’t allowed to show white solidarity,” says a long-time Caucasian Ferguson resident, who asked not to be named for his own safety. “People are forgetting about the struggle of the poor white man. My cousin Jacob was shot dead in his trailer by a cop for pointing the remote control at the TV. When that happened, no one said, ‘hey that shit’s not right. How ’bout we bust into a store and get that new TV we been wantin?’ There were no riots when Jacob was killed. Maybe I shoulda done something, but I’m just so Goddamn lazy, you know?”

As the aftermath of the Michael Brown decision rages on, many people throughout the country are demanding more balanced coverage. Even obviously biased news sources like Fox News, who as the most stuffy, Republican channel on TV are often caught criticizing blacks and other minorities, continue to ignore the stories of white deaths. Sadly, it appears the deaths of Crocker and Vanthomme will pass by America unnoticed, while more and more violence continues in Missouri.

Bill Cosby On Ferguson Riots: ‘Anything To Get The News Media Off My Ass’

Posted on November 25, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Comedian Bill Cosby has been the butt of many jokes and the talk of the media lately, as allegations of rape and sexual assault have sprung up from several women, including former model Janice Dickinson and Law & Order: SVU actress Michel Hurd.

Despite these horrendous stories overtaking his entire life and ruining a career most people assumed ended in 1992, Cosby has been relatively quiet about the allegations, only speaking once to deny any wrong-doing, and otherwise deflecting comments to his lawyers and agents.

Cosby had a new, planned series put on indefinite hiatus by NBC, a Netflix stand-up special cancelled, and even TV Land stopped showing old episodes of The Cosby Show – because obviously you aren’t allowed to be entertained by him anymore now that you know he’s an (alleged) rapist.

Because he’s prominent and black, Cosby was asked this morning about the horrors of the Ferguson, Missouri riots that are happening in the wake of the Michael Brown shooting verdict.

“Whatever keeps the news media off my ass is fine by me,” said Cosby. “My ass is old and tired, and doesn’t need this kind of abuse. Them Ferguson folks can loot, pillage, plunder, riot, murder – whatever they gotta do to make themselves happy. The longer it goes, the less people will be thinking about me. Instead of a 12-hour exposé on whether or not I raped a bunch of women, CNN can do one on race relations in Missouri. Now please – just let me enjoy my pudding pops in peace.”

If you’re feeling a bout of extreme pity or you have an unbreakable nostalgic urge for sweaters, you can catch Cosby on his national stand-up tour happening now through May, 2015.

Police Officer Refused To Defend Himself From Beating By Teenager

Posted on October 15, 2014 by skullman

CHARLESTON, South Carolina –

A police officer in Charleston is being commended by his superiors today after he refused to defend himself from a brutal attack by a teenager while on duty two night ago.

According to reports, officer Charles Brown, a veteran patrolman, was savagely attacked by an African-American juvenile around 11pm Monday evening while performing a routine traffic stop. Dash cameras and microphones in the police vehicle show Brown, who is described by everyone who knows him as easy-going and extremely mild-mannered, as pulling over a black Toyota Tacoma pick-up truck that had a broken tail light. He asked the driver of the vehicle, a 17-year-old male (whose name is not being released because of his age) for his license and insurance card, and is immediately struck in the face by an object flying from the driver’s side window.

“It was all a blur, really,” said Brown, who is recovering from injuries in a local Charleston hospital. “I asked the boy for identification, and then something struck me in the face. I went down, and was blinded for a second from the shock, my eyes watering. Next thing I know, I’m being pelted by kicks to the ribs and face.”

Brown’s commanding officer says he suffered several broken ribs, a broken wrist, a partially collapsed lung, and minor bruising to his face, but was lucky to have not defended himself in any way, or else the entire ordeal could have gone very badly.

“Officer Brown will recover, and his wounds will heal,” said Captain Joseph Goldsmith. “This could have gone very badly, though, we admit that. If Officer Brown, who is a well-built white male had attempted any sort of defense, or God-forbid, attacked this teen back, then this could be a media firestorm. Officer Brown did the right thing, taking the beating, and I encourage any police officer who may be faced with a similar situation to act in a similar manner.”

Captain Goldsmith went on to say that the teenager, who was later arrested holding up a liquor store, will face criminal charges including illegal possession of a firearm, grand theft, resisting arrest, and assault on a police officer.

A candlelight vigil was held outside the hospital, with many officers and family members showing up to pray for a speedy recovery for officer Brown.

NASCAR Driver Wins Race While Driving in Reverse

Posted on October 6, 2014 by JP

ATLANTA, Georgia –

A non-televised stock car race held in Atlanta this past week would have definitely brought in viewers like NASCAR had never seen before. With only two laps left in the race, a driver who was holding steady at second place lost control on a turn, his car spinning all over the track. Although that in itself is not newsworthy, what the driver did next brought crowds to their feet.

After the crash left him facing the wrong way on the track, but knowing that turning around would take too much time that he didn’t have to spare, the driver threw the car in reverse and continued to race around the track backwards.

People in the crowds were surprised, and a few even wondered aloud if it was against the rules to drive that way. Most people immediately rose to their feet and began to cheer as they watched this racer take top speed completely in reverse. In less than one lap, the driver took his spot back at second place, never stopping to spin the car around.

“I’ve never seen anything like it in my entire life, and I’ve been a NASCAR and racing fan since before I could walk,” Said Bill Pooler, a spectator at the race. “It’s the best damn driving that I’ve ever seen.”

The driver continued to gain on the car in first, and actually ended up passing him right before crossing the line, checkered flag waiving.

“I was completely confused, and was barely paying attention,” Said Mark Hill, the driver who was leading the race. “I actually almost hit the wall when I saw him coming up on me in reverse. It was surely incredible.”

The name of the driver was not released to the press, as officials are still checking their rulebooks to see whether or not the win would count if the car didn’t cross the line nose-first.

NASCAR: Tony Stewart To Announce Retirement From Auto Racing After Accident That Kills Competing Driver

Posted on August 14, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina –

NASCAR Insiders Rusty Wallace and Darrell Waltrip have informed the Associated Press that three-time Sprint Cup Champion Tony Stewart will hold a press conference in the coming days, and is expected to announce his retirement from all auto racing activities, as well as announcing the sale of his half of his ownership of Stewart-Haas Racing. The announcement comes after Stewart tragically struck and killed fellow sprint car driver Kevin Ward, Jr.

“This was a tragic accident, one he just can’t get over. I talked with Tony yesterday and he made it clear, he is done with racing. I tried to suggest to him to take time off and think it over for a few months, he told me he has made up his mind and will announce soon. I hope he changes his mind, but it sure sounded like he meant it,” said former NASCAR champion and Hall of Fame member Rusty Wallace.

According to Waltrip, he talked to Stewart for hours the night after the accident and again two days ago, and he says Stewart has been grieving more and more after the initiative shock.

“The man hasn’t slept for days, this has rocked his world harder than anything he has ever had to deal with. He told me he could never effectively get back in a race car and drive. He can barely bring himself to drive his Ford Taurus to the supermarket and back without cringing. I expect an announcement in the next few days, he is just working on what he is going to say to the fans and most importantly the father of the victim, Kevin Ward, Sr.,” Waltrip told NASCAR reporter Nicole Briscoe via telephone interview last night.

Ward, 20, had climbed out of his Sprint car during a dirt race in Canadaigua, N.Y., and he walked toward Stewart’s car during a caution, and while gesturing to him was struck and killed by the car Stewart was driving. Ward was pronounced dead on his way to the hospital.

Several race fans who have watched the horrific video believe that Stewart’s aggressive racing nature caused the death of Ward, including Ward’s father.

“Tony Stewart was the best damn driver by far on the track that night. Why he had to go up as high as he did and hog my son, there’s no reason for it,” Ward Sr. told the Syracuse Post-Standard. “Apparently, he was the only driver on the track who didn’t see [my son.] The one person that knows what happened that night could possibly be facing 10 years in prison. Is he going to say what he’s done?”

Speaking to the Associated Press, Corey Rayburn Yung, a law professor, said that under New York State law, Stewart could very possibly be charged with manslaughter, even if there was no intent to strike Ward.

“The question over whether someone was reckless is a factual one, and one a prosecutor might let a jury decide,” Yung said. “So far, from what I’ve read, Stewart has cooperated with police. That does not mean that once this is all said and done, that they won’t find him at fault one way or the other.”

On whether Stewart will retire from racing, all signs point to yes given the sources. “There will for sure be a press conference in which Tony speaks for himself, I think he sees no other way around this,” said Waltrip. “It will indeed be a sad day for NASCAR.”

Stewart-Haas Racing has not commented on the rumor, and a representative for the team could neither confirm nor deny Stewart’s intentions.