Idaho Becomes First State To Make Having Babies Out Of Wedlock A Crime

Posted on October 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOISE, Idaho –

Idaho lawmakers have become the first in the nation to make having a baby out of wedlock a crime, punishable by fines and jail time.

According to state representative Richard Marques, the bill was passed after a 25-2 vote, wherein any couple who becomes pregnant and delivers their baby before they are legally married could face penalties of up to $20,000 per child. Couples with twins, triplets, or more would be subject to that fine per child. Subsequent offenses could also mean arrest and prosecution.

“We want people to have babies. No one is saying that couple should not have children,” said representative Marques. “But, we do want those couples to be married, too. To provide a stable, loving home for the child. Everyone knows that babies born to unwed couples are more likely to later become criminals, drug-dealers, and rapists. We are just trying to slow those numbers down.”

When asked about how this would effect the levels of abortions in the state, Marques said that he didn’t think it would change anything.

“The amount of whores out there having abortions will stay the same, and the amount of precious, beautiful women who want to have babies will stay the same. The difference now, is, that the latter will be married women, and the former will still be whores,” said Marques. “I know I’d rather my daughter be married than be a harlot.”

Marques continued, saying that the law would apply to anyone – including women who were raped.

“We can’t prove they were raped. No one can. Maybe they got knocked up at a party, and they cried rape later. Happens every day. In fact, that happens more than actual rape,” said Marques. “Now, the woman who wants to keep her ‘rape baby’ will just either have to marry her alleged rapist, or she will have to find some other man to marry quickly. It will all work out.”

Marques says the law goes into effect on January 1st. Women who are currently pregnant and due after that date, but who are currently unmarried, will have to be wed before the law goes into effect, or risk fines.

FBI Charges Hillary Clinton With Multiple Counts Of Sharing ‘Top Secret’ E-Mails

Posted on August 30, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Democratic Presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton’s campaign has been struck a mighty blow today, with news of the FBI’s announcement of criminal charges being formally filed against her for allegedly sharing top secret information via public channels.

“President Obama was shocked to learn about the charges against Clinton today while reading the paper on a golf course in Hawaii,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest.”The President has said he puts his complete faith in the FBI, and promises to learn more about charges against Mrs. Clinton when he gets back to the White House next week.”

“I don’t know anything about how to set up an e-mail account,” said Clinton during a press conference this morning. ”When I was the Secretary of State, I thought it would just to be easier to use my current email address, HillaryRocks at AOL dot com. Chelsey set it up for me years ago, and it’s cute, so I kept it. I never knowingly shared top secret information with any foreign government – I’m just old, phones confuse me, and the buttons are so small. I may have hit ‘forward all’ a few times, but never on purpose. I committed no crime here, and it’s clear I’m being thrown under the bus by President Obama, who just wants to see Joe Biden as the next President!”

When asked why President Obama would have any reason to discredit her, Clinton mentioned that there may have been some issues between her family and his in the past.

“Well, Bill may have gotten a little frisky once with Michelle Obama at a government party, and Barack has held a grudge ever since. I want to promise my supporters that I will beat these charges, though, like we Clintons have always done. Even though I’m not smart enough to figure out how to have two different email addresses on one phone, I’m still smarter than Biden and those republican idiots.”

In another turn of events, Vice President Joe Biden says that he may actually run for president now, with the full support of Obama and his current cabinet.

“With this shocking news, it’s clear that I will have to throw my hat into the ring and run for President to save the Democratic party,” said Vice President Joe Biden. ”That’s right America, old Bumbling Joe needs your vote – and your money – because I am getting into the race, even if it is a little late.”

If found guilty of the crimes charged, Clinton could face up to 50 years in prison.

Man Arrested For Killing Neighbor Tells Police ‘He Had A Bigger TV’

Posted on March 22, 2015 by Justin Birch

FAIRFIELD, New Hampshire –

Envy rears its ugly head yet again as a family is briefly left in tears over the death of James Moore, 29 – father, husband, and owner of a huge TV.

Police arrested Darnell Wilson, 23, at the scene of the crime shortly after it happened. He made no attempt to resist. During questioning, he gave an honest account of what happened, verified by the victim’s family.

“Day in, day out, they’d have that TV on. I could see it through my kitchen window – part of it anyway,” he explained. “The man’s TV was at least 70 inches. What was I supposed to do? Any self-respecting man would’ve done the same.”

In a fit of jealousy and embarrassment at his mediocre 42-inch TV, Wilson paid his neighbor a visit with a fully loaded handgun. Moore’s family, initially grief-stricken and confused, came to visit Wilson and express their sympathy. Carla, wife of the deceased, said her husband “probably would have done the same” if they had such a tiny TV. The family is pressing charges regardless, because they are Americans, after all.

While Wilson is facing a trial, police say a murder penalty is unlikely due to the circumstances. The sentence is likely to be two years maximum for aggravated embarrassment with a capitalist-conditioning plea.

“I mean, it’s not like he stole our TV,” Carla said. “I’d be okay with just getting some money out of the whole thing. James didn’t have life insurance.”

The family has since purchased heavier window curtains to avoid similar annoyances in the future.

Amazon Unveils ‘Amazon Crime’ Service, Offers Black Market Products at All-Time Low Prices

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Justin Birch

SACRAMENTO, California –

Amazon’s newest innovation is set to open its doors next month. Meet “Amazon Crime,” a service that provides much needed mediation for black market products and exchanges.

“The problem with the black market is that you have no security. You don’t know if you’re getting the drugs or weapons people say you are, and on the other side you don’t know if your buyer is going to pay you or shank you,” Amazon’s CEO explained in an interview. “Amazon Crime fixes that.”

Early previews of the platform are promising. Some features from Amazon’s existing marketplace will make their way into the service in the future, for example assassinations fulfilled by Amazon, free two-day shipping on human trafficking, and more.

“By providing a central, secure place for illegal activity, we hope to bring these products and services to the common middle-class family – not just impoverished people, neglected inner city children, and so forth,” an Amazon representative said in a press conference.

Many criminals have expressed their excitement for this platform, finally able to reach a global audience with their products and services.

“I feel like I’ll finally be able to start my career instead of just doing odd jobs here and there,” Trevor, a 24-year-old aspiring bank robber, shared with us.

Some of the more interesting categories expected to appear on the site include: prostitution, money laundering services, stolen government files, web attack bots, and chemicals. Amazon is also expecting to push out a new device, the Amazon Swindle, which is a combined criminal manual and pocket device to help the average user secure money from stolen credit cards.

According to the CEO, Amazon’s biggest challenge has been finding reliable suppliers. They have posted a number of job openings on their main website to recruit informants, writers, and other employees to help establish a unique but wholesome experience.

Woman Claims Ghost Of Abraham Lincoln Wants Her To Kill Justin Bieber, Other Celebs

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Louise Ballinger, a 49-year-old single woman who lives in an apartment in the building next door to The Peterson House, best known as the place President Abraham Lincoln was taken on April 15, 1865 and later died in after being shot at Ford’s Theatre just across the street, says that she is haunted every single night by the ghost of Lincoln, and that he tells her to do awful things.

“I consider myself a medium, and I choose to stay in touch with the deceased, which is why I moved as close as possible to the Peterson House in hopes of making contact with Abraham Lincoln,” Ballinger told Rochelle Pappas, a reporter from the Washington Daily Times. “Low and behold, I made contact with him and he began speaking to me every single night just before I go to sleep. But things took a terrifying turn when he started telling to kill various celebrities.”

It seems that good ole President Lincoln has beef with Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian. “The thing I hear more than anything is ‘Kill Justin Bieber, kill him dead. The Beebs must go.'” Ballinger insisted. “Every now and then, he will name other celebs like Kim Kardashian and Nancy Grace. He really can’t stand Nancy Grace! Then again, who can?” the self proclaimed paranormal translation expert said.

Ballinger’s friends, family, and neighbors all believe she has gone mad, all except her 26-year-old son Patrick.

“People say my mom is crazy, yo but for real check it …I’ve seen old dude creepin’ up the hall in the middle of the night, ya know what I’m sayin? It ain’t no reflection or some whacked out shit like that, ya know what I mean? Shit’s for real, my dawg. Believe that,” he said.

Inmate In Critical Condition After Being Stabbed By Charles Manson

Posted on January 27, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

CORCORAN, California –

A man’s life hangs in the balance after he reportedly tried to steal a box of ramen noodles from the infamous Charles Manson at the California State Prison in Corcoran, California.

Warden Connie Gipson says the incident happened this morning and that Raymond Garcia, 39, from Los Altos, California, is in critical condition. “It seems that Garcia attempted to steal a box of Manson’s ramen noodles, which he had stashed under his bunk. Mr. Manson caught Garcia and proceeded to stab him with a lollipop which had been sucked down to a sharp point. He then stabbed Mr. Garcia in the neck twice, and in the abdomen once. Garcia remains in critical condition at this time,” Gipson said in a statement.

If Garcia dies, Manson would be charged with murder and, ironically, is the first time he has actually committed an act of violence on another human being using his own two hands.

Warden Gipson says that Manson and Garcia had become friends, and Manson often drew pictures for Garcia to send home to his family. Corrections officers at the facility believe that Manson did not make good on a deal in which Garcia fronted him the box of ramen noodles in exchange for a hand-drawn family portrait, which Manson never completed.

Gipson said this was the first time in her career that she recalls an inmate being stabbed by a lollipop. “It seems bizarre, but it happened, so we have removed all lollipops and suckers from the commissary so that this does not happen again,” Gipson said.

Man Beheads Neighbor For Leaving His Dog Out In The Cold

Posted on January 25, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Donald White, 38, drove to a Louisville Metro Police Department substation, walked in, and told officers that he had just beheaded his next door neighbor, Alexander Baker, 49, because he had been leaving his dog to freeze outside over night in sub-zero temperatures.

White told police the dog would cry and bark all night, every night, and that the colder it would get, the more upset he became about the issue. White had reported Baker to animal services several times, who reportedly did nothing about the issue.

White’s girlfriend, Miranda Anderson, told WAVE-3 reporter Michelle Nelson that police only talked to Baker once, and it never changed anything.

“Donnie must have called them twenty or thirty times. They came once, told him to bring the dog inside, and to keep the noise down. He did it that one night, then every day and night afterwards the dog stayed outside,” Anderson said as she began to weep. “It wasn’t the noise that was bothering us, it was the cruelty. I’m sorta sorry for what Donnie did to the man, but you have to understand, the pain that dog endured was torture for us. We are dog lovers, and we talked about even taking the dog several times. I wish we had.”

When police arrived at Baker’s home, they found his body near a bloody machete in the living room, and his head in the bathroom toilet. The dog, a pit bull mix, has been taken into custody by Louisville Metro Animal Services, where it will be put up for adoption.

White says that he feels he made the right decision, and that he is glad that the dog has been taken in by a shelter, where it can get the care it needs.

“Every night, I’d look through my window, and see that beautiful dog shivering and freezing out there. Chained up and fenced in,” said White. “The night I went over to talk to Baker, it was -3 degrees outside. I just wanted to ask him to please take the dog inside, but when I got over there, he laughed in my face, and told me to ‘go screw.’ He said ‘Dogs have fur for a reason, shithead.’ I lost it. He had some hunting gear right by the door, and I pushed my way in, saw a machete, and I just cut his head clean off. One fell swoop. To be honest, it felt like the right thing to do.”

White’s Lawyer, Bill S. Preston, Esq., says that White should not face criminal charges. “What he did was technically self-defense, for someone who could not properly defend themselves – in this case, a sad, cold, puppy. We expect he will not be sentenced for the murder.”

Actor Danny Trejo Catches Robbery Suspect, Elderly Woman Says ‘He Is My Hero’

Posted on January 23, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

OAKLAND, California –

70-year-old actor Danny Trejo is being called a hero today, after reportedly catching a man who had robbed an 86-year-old woman of her life savings.

Trejo is a very well-known method actor, mostly known for portraying villains and anti-heroes in action films, but is loved by movie-goers and has a very large cult following.

After parking his car at a Ralph’s grocery store in Oakland, Trejo said he heard a woman screaming for help. “I looked up and saw an older woman waving her cane in the air and yelling for help. She pointed to a man running to a black pickup truck, then I noticed he had a woman’s purse as he was running,” Trejo told an Oakland police officer.

According to the police report, the assailant reportedly jumped into his truck and took off, so Trejo jumped back into his 2014 Bentley and followed the man. As the two sped through the streets of Oakland, a police officer spotted the car chase and took pursuit. After tailing the assailant for several miles, Trejo finally rear-ended the perpetrator’s truck, a stunt he had learned in his years of acting in action films.

Trejo got out of his vehicle and pulled the man out of his truck, wrestling him to the ground as police arrived on the scene. Police handcuffed both the assailant and Trejo at first, and placed the two in separate squad cars. Officer Larry Ragsdale, first on the scene, told Empire News that after questioning each of the men, it had become obvious what had happened.

“Mr. Trejo acted as a vigilante, and caught the man who had robbed an elderly woman, who had kept her life savings in her purse. The woman had over $14,000 in her bag. Although we do not condone citizens acting in such a manner, we determined that Mr. Trejo was only acting like a vigilante, and was not really purporting to be one, so we decided not to charge him with any crimes. Plus, I mean look at the guy – you can tell he’s one badass S.O.B. I know I wouldn’t get on the wrong side of Danny Trejo. No way in hell I was booking him.”

Edith Marie Carlton, the 86-year-old victim in the mugging, told Empire News that Trejo was like an angel. “God bless that man! I had everything I own in that purse, because I don’t believe in using a bank. I always just keep all my money on me. He is my hero. I learned my lesson, though, to leave the house with only the money I intend to use,” Carlton said. When asked if she recognized Trejo from films, she said she did.

“I think I’ve seen him playing a bad guy. Who can tell, right?” said Carlton. “All those bad people in the movies, they look the same to me. I don’t normally watch the violent pictures. At any rate, all I can say is – never judge a book by its cover!” she stated as she laughed.

The robbery suspect, who was charged with grand theft and resisting arrest, was said to be beaming with happiness during his booking process. “Did you guys hear? I got my ass kicked by Machete!” He reportedly told everyone, excitedly. Trejo refused comment at this time.

Dallas Police Department To Stop Using Guns, Will Use Alternative Methods To Subdue Criminals

Posted on January 19, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

DALLAS, Texas –

In a bold move, the Dallas Police Department has announced an unprecedented, creative, and groundbreaking strategic plan to curb the reputation of police abuse by taking firearms away from more than ten-thousand police officers.

Nationally respected and highly regarded Dallas Chief of Police, David Brown, made the surprising announcement earlier today at a press conference outside the Jack Evans Police Headquarters in downtown Dallas, home of the Dallas Police administration, as well as the Dallas Museum of Historical Artifacts.

“The entire world knows that here in Texas, the greatest and biggest state in the United States, that we do everything bigger than everybody else in the world. Here in Dallas, the greatest city in the greatest state, we are looked up to for our innovative ways,” said Brown. “Here at the Dallas Police Department, we set the standard for all police departments across the nation. Today I am very proud to stand before you and announce that we have continued this incredible legacy. Effective immediately, we have removed all firearms from all of our officers patrolling the streets of this great city.”

Brown went on to say that all street patrolling police officers were required to turn in their weapons, and will use alternative methods to subdue criminals when times on the beat get desperate.

“Officers will still be well equipped, armed with tasers, pepper spray, batons, blackjacks, brass knuckles, steel-toed boots – the list is quite long. New devices, including laser pointers with which they may temporarily blind violent criminals, will also be added to replace guns. For extreme cases, they will be given access by the Dallas Fire Department to all fire hydrants and hoses in the city, but only for when situations are crucial. They will have more than enough to operate an effective police department while continuing our reputation as the best police department in the world, as well as the most innovative,” Brown said.

Retired Secret Service Agent Says Child Prevented 2010 Assasination Attempt On President

Posted on January 15, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

ALEXANDRIA, Virginia –

Retired Secret Service agent Leonard Parker, 52, said in an interview with The Virginia Tribune that in 2010 a ten-year-old boy prevented an assassination attempt on President Barack Obama.

“It is one of those things, you just had to be there to believe it, I can’t give you his name but he was nicknamed ‘The Nutcracker‘ by the President,” Parker told veteran political journalist Clyde Ransdell. “The President was playing basketball with players of the Duke University basketball team at a public park in Durham, North Carolina during the summer of 2010. I remember everything about that day very vividly.”

Parker, who was a Secret Service agent in charge of presidential protection detail for over 20 years, says that day was the one that stuck with him the most throughout his entire career.

“It was a gorgeous June afternoon and there were hundreds of people watching the pickup basketball game. I spotted a man acting suspiciously, about fifty yards away. As I casually began to walk toward him, it happened. He reached for a pistol tucked in his waist band, but he was surrounded by children so it was too risky to attempt to take him out. When the child directly in front of him noticed the man had pulled a gun, he reeled back and kicked him square in the balls. The man then doubled over and dropped his weapon, and we were able to subdue the assailant,” Parker described in detail. “To be honest, even though my heart was racing, it was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.”

Parker went on to say that the identity of the heroic boy and his father will likely never be disclosed per their request, but said that they remain close friends with President Obama to this day. “Once a year, the family is invited to the White House for a week to spend time with the Obamas. The boy, now fourteen years old, has become a very good friends with Malia Obama, and I hear they spend a lot of time together,” Parker stated.

According to Parker, due to national security reasons, the name of the assailant has never been released. The man remains incarcerated at an unknown location.