ISIS Claims Responsibility For Playground Fight at NYC Elementary School

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

A vicious schoolyard fight took place after school on Friday afternoon, and terrorist group ISIS has claimed responsibility for the attacks.

Nicky DeCarlo, 7, was reportedly attacked by a “big bully,” during lunch recess, and tattled to his teacher. When the bully, 9-year-old Al Giovannelli, found out he was in trouble, he told DeCarlo that they were going to “fight after school.”

“It is really such a common thing, kids fighting and bullying and what not, but at this age, we tend to just call the parents, try a little mediation, maybe keep them in from recess, and everything is okay,” said Principal Stephanie Biro. “In this case, the kids were actually fine by the next day. They quickly became friends after the fight, and Little Al even said he was sorry for punching Nicky in the face. It’s pretty common with kids to ‘hate,’ and then feel bad. The real confusion here comes with why ISIS has claimed responsibility for the fight.”

According to police, ISIS stepped in and said that they were responsible for the altercation, and made several posts on social media stating they were the perpetrators.

“Al is definitely not in ISIS,” said his mom to local news channel WBTU – New York. “I know that any time there is a big attack, anywhere in the world, these terrorists like to claim responsibility, but this is just getting silly. We’re not in ISIS. Albert doesn’t even know what ISIS is. They’re really reaching here.”

“WE HAVE CLAIMED THE SCHOOL YARDS OF AMERICA, WE HAVE CAUSED THESE FIGHTS. THIS IS OUR TIME, AND ALL INFIDELS WILL REAP WHAT THEY HAVE CREATED,” read a post made to Twitter from an “official” ISIS account. “WE HAVE CAUSED THIS FIGHT TODAY. ALL CHILDREN WILL BECOME MEMBERS SOON.”

Police are not at all taking the statement seriously.

Students Bullied In School Over Sexuality Should ‘Act Less Gay,’ Says Principal

bullied

CHARLESTON, South Carolina – 

A school principal is in hot water today after telling a student who was being bullied over his sexuality that if he wanted to not get picked on, he should “act less gay.”

“It’s only rational to me that if you come into school, and you’re super flaming and other kids are harassing you, that maybe you should tone it down a bit, and stop flaunting your extra gayness,” said principal John Waters of Charleston Junior High. “I have nothing against gay people. Some of my closest friends are gay, but they don’t walk around wearing pink shirts with pictures of penises on them and painting their faces with rainbows like some of these kids do today.”

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School policy does not allow faculty to divulge the name of any students involved in bullying incidents, but some students spoke to a local Charleston news station, anonymously, about the harassment they’ve dealt with.

“I used to get picked on all the time because I’m a Jew,” said one student. “I told the principal, and he told me just to stop wearing my yarmulke, and maybe cut my ‘jew dreads,’ and the bullies would forget about me. I was a little upset at first, but I did what he suggested, and now I don’t get picked on, so I guess his advice worked.”

“I’ve actually told Principal Waters multiple times that I get picked on all the time for being poor and black, but he told me to just to suck it up, because there was no way I couldn’t pretend to not be black anymore,” said another student. “He did suggest that I rob a couple stores and get higher-end clothes, and maybe appear more rich, but that only worked for a couple weeks, because I only had one set of nice clothes. After they started to smell, I got picked on for that. The principal sucks.”

School administrators say they are “looking into” repeated incidents of misconduct on the part of Principal Waters.

School Suspends Student For Gun Shaped Birthmark

MILFORD, Connecticut – empire-news-boy-expelled-suspended-birthmark-shaped-like-gun

A 13 year-old middle school student was suspended today when a teacher noticed that the boy had a “gun shaped” birthmark on his leg. The boy, whose name was not released at his parents’ request, wore shorts to school for the first time this year, and when the teacher, Charlene Brooks, saw the birthmark on his leg she immediately informed the school principal and superintendent.

“You cannot be too careful in this day and age. We don’t want to promote guns or gun violence in our schools. What if another kid in the class saw that? He might have gotten excited and wanted a gun birthmark, too.” Said Brooks, an English teacher at Milford Jr. High. “I don’t think it’s appropriate in our school.”

Recently throughout the country there has been an excessive amount of “gun paranoia” in schools, with children being suspended or even expelled for things as menial as biting a Pop-Tart into the shape of a gun or even just pointing a finger at someone else and saying “boom,” which is what happened only a few short months ago in Ohion to 10 year-old Nathan Entingh.

“I cannot believe that this is happening to my son.” Said the parent of the suspended student. “This is way too far. He can’t control this. This is completely and utterly absurd. It was 94 degrees here yesterday. Is he supposed to wear pants every day until the end of the school year? Or maybe they want me to chop his leg clean off?”

According to school superintendent Donna Winter, that is exactly what the school expects.

“When [name deleted] returns to school in 4 days, we will still have just about a week left of school. We are expecting that he will continue to wear long pants throughout the school year, and indeed, for the remainder of his schooling here in the Milford School District. Of course, he is always allowed to take the extreme decision of removing his leg entirely. It’s possible that would be best not only for his return to school, but also for his future. We’re talking about guns, here.”

The parents have contacted a lawyer with the American Civil Liberties Union to argue that it is outside of the school’s rights to force only their son to wear long pants. “Either everyone has to wear pants, or my son doesn’t either. We can’t make everyone else have gun shaped birthmarks, so they can’t make him wear pants.”

The family is debating on homeschooling their son for the remainder of his education to avoid any further conflict. It is unclear, at this time, whether or not there will be any police involvement with the student for his “carrying a concealed birthmark.”

Teenage Girl Dies After Holding In Farts During School Dance

Teenage Girl Dies After Holding In Farts During School Dance

 

ST. PETERSBURG, Florida –

Parents and students at St. Petersburg high school are in shock and tears today after the news of the death of 16-year-old Katy Campbell. Campbell, a junior at St. Petersburg, died while attending a school dance, and the county coroner is claiming her death could have easily been avoided.

According to Dr. Joe Goldsmith of the St. Petersburg Medical Examiner’s Office, Campbell’s stomach imploded, and she died during the high school Winter Wonderland Dance.

“Katy died due to a large amount of  built-up methane gas in her stomach,” said Goldsmith. “Unfortunately, we believe she was holding in a bad case of stinky flatulence, this causing her stomach and bowels to rupture. If she had just broken that wind, she would still be here today.”

Police investigators are ruling the death accidental, and say no foul-play is suspected. “Basically, Katy Campbell had the biggest date of her life, and apparently her parents, who are vegans, forced her to eat a giant plate of beans, kale, and spinach before she was picked up,” said Captain Aaron Silver of the St. Petersburg Police Department. “She tried desperately to hold in her gas so she would not be laughed at by her hunky jock date. Sadly, it ended her life. The parents have been through enough, so we will not be charging them as accessories, despite forcing the horrible meal onto poor Katy.”

“I wish she had just run off into the bathroom, or a dark corner somewhere, and just let that fart go,” said Katy’s date, Bob Eakafe. “I mean hell – I farted a couple times while we were dancing. Don’t think anyone noticed. Poor Katy, she probably thought she did it. It’s depressing really, because now I have no one to take to the spring dance next month.”

In lieu of flowers, Katy’s parents request donations be made to your local natural gas company.

Kindergarten Teacher In Hot Water After Having Students Draw Pictures Of Muhammad

ATLANTA, Georgia – Kindergarten Teacher In Hot Water After Having Students Draw Pictures Of Muhammad

After finding out what their children have been drawing in class, some parents are threatening to pull their children out of Peach Street Kindergarten in Atlanta, Georgia. Teacher Mary Christian says she has been having the children draw pictures of Muhammad, and that it is ‘all in good fun,’ and a great way for her class to rally behind the massacre at France’s Charlie Hebdo satirical magazine.

“We’ve been doing a unit on other parts of the world, and the kids had just learned about the Eiffel Tower when the terrorists attacked France. Now the kids are hearing things like ‘Terror in Paris’ on TV, and naturally they started asking questions. One of the students asked me, ‘Mrs. Christian, what made these men so angry?’ So this new unit was to help them understand religions.”

Six-year old student Ben explained his thoughts about the drawing classes to The Georgian Gazette Daily News.  “Muhammad really doesn’t like having his picture taken, I guess, so I asked Mrs. Christian if we could draw him. My Mom gets really angry if you take her picture, too, but she always puts the pictures I draw of her on our refrigerator. I’m glad mommy doesn’t have guns when she gets mad.”

When asked if she knows who Muhammad is, kindergartener Crystal said that he was part of other people’s “wrong beliefs.”

“Mrs. Christian told us Muhammad is like Jesus in the part of the world Aladdin is from, but he’s got a big beard like Santa,” said Crystal. “I drew my Muhammad with a blue beard, because blue is my favorite color.”

Christian says she doesn’t know what people are so upset about. “I think it is important for kids to know about other religions, so they can understand how stupid they are.  Someday they will learn all about Jesus in Sunday school, but I can at least start them early in understanding that Muhammad isn’t real, and Jesus was.  Personally, I support Charlie Hebdo, and the job they’ve done in mocking these horrible, sickening religions. I hope that they come back from their troubles and don’t lose their religious edge.”

School officials say they are “looking into the matter,” but so far they have not fired or suspended the teacher from her position.

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Drawings from the Peach Street Elementary School kindergarten class, showing their interpretations of the prophet Muhammad

 

 

 

 

 

Recent Study Suggests Over 85% Of Social Media Users Can’t Correctly Solve Simple Math Equation

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania – Recent Study Suggests Over 85 Of Social Media Users Can't Correctly Solve Simple Math Equation

In an experiment conducted by the Department of Mathematics at the University of Pittsburgh, after releasing a simple math equation via social media, research suggests that eighty-five percent of users cannot correctly answer the mathematical equation, (2 x 2 + 2 – 2 x 2 – 2), without using a calculator, internet search engine, or asking a friend.

Professor of Mathematics at the University of Pittsburgh, Dr. Geraldine Williamson, led the mathematical social experiment, and says she was shocked that the general consensus of Americans could not answer the simple math problem.

“It is quite alarming, I must say. More than fifty-percent of people could not answer it correctly whether they used a calculator or not,” Williamson said in a published interview with education journalist Paul Frazier in the Pittsburgh Gazette. “It only says one thing about schools in the United States – they are not getting the job done. If there is really that many mathematically challenged people running around, then our economy is doomed to failure.”

Even more alarming, and to the ultimate dismay of Williamson, as the research on the social reaction of the math equation began, several of her students began to argue over their conflicting answers. “I was appalled,” Williamson said. “Out of seventy-five students, more than twenty of them came up with the wrong answer and proceeded to argue that they were correct. It was terrifying! I feared I would have an aneurysm.”

The correct answer, while obvious to some, was not given by Dr. Williamson, as she said she feared simply ‘providing the answer’ would create more ignorance and stupidity among the already ‘math dull.’

“I encourage people to simply work it out for themselves,” said Williamson. “My god, it’s just math, it’s not rocket science.”

Think you know the answer? Let us know in the comments below!

Christmas Carols Banned In NYC Schools Unless The Word ‘Christmas‘ Replaced With ‘Holiday’

NEW YORK, New York – Christmas Carols Banned In NYC Schools Unless The World ‘Christmas‘ Replaced With ‘Holiday’

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio just declared war on Christmas, and he’s making the children pay the price. NYC schools and chorus programs will have to change their Holiday shows to exclude songs with the word ‘Christmas’, or replace it with the word ‘Holiday’. 

”I don’t hate Christmas, but it’s not about me, it’s about the thousands of children that don’t celebrate Christmas, and could find it offensive,” said de Blasio. “New York has always been the great melting pot, and our Muslim population has never been higher. After receiving complaints from Muslim leaders I’ve decided to cave in, basically. It’s not that big of deal really – it’s the time of year our schools put on their Holiday band and chorus shows, so just leave out songs that have the word ‘Christmas’ in them, or replace the word ‘Christmas’ with ‘Holiday’.”

“While we are at it, maybe it’s best not to have any songs with ‘Santa’ in them, either” said public school principal Mark DeWitt. “I agree whole-heartedly with the mayor on this decision. The important thing is not to offend anyone. ‘I’m dreaming of a white holiday’ is just as pretty as ‘white Christmas’. If we are all going to get along, we are going to have to change. And by ‘we’, I mean Americans are going to have to change.”  

“It’s insane! ‘White Holiday?’ ‘It’s Beginning To Look a Lot Like Holiday’? It’s just stupid,” said Chorus instructor Carmine Classi,” We need a Mayor with a backbone, this guy is so far left he makes Obama look like a conservative, this city is going right down the holiday shitter, if you ask me.”

President Obama Forcing Schools To Tell Children There Is No Santa Claus

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Obama Forcing Schools To Tell Children There Is No Santa Claus

President Obama today threatened to withhold federal funding to public elementary schools unless images of Santa are removed and students are taught that he is a fictional character. President Obama explained what is being called by the Republicans as the ‘Scrooge Clause’ in a statement earlier this morning.

”It’s time children stop believing in a jolly old man who brings them presents, when the truth is Santa didn’t bring those gifts, the government did,” said President Obama. “Those presents aren’t made by elves, they are made by companies, that stay in business thanks to government breaks. Santa’s reindeer didn’t help delivery those presents, they traveled by trucks on roads and highways built by the government. It’s time children realize there is no Santa, only big government, government that will take care of you from cradle to grave.”

“We believe that It’s time to take down those pictures of Santa and replace them with pictures of the White House, or better yet, pictures of our great President,” said Vice President Joe Biden. “Without our president, and without our government, there wouldn’t be any Christmas. Not to mention that most children in this country are getting presents bought by their parents with welfare money, and by their grandparents with social security. All the good boys and girls get toys bought with government handouts.”

Naturally, many people are outraged that the government would take a stand on Christmas, and force them to explain that Santa is fictional, which would cause many children to burst into tears. Republican leaders are especially upset, as they worry about what a world with no Santa could mean for the future of commerce.

“No Santa? Well that really is some communist, pinko bullshit,” said Senator Ted Cruz. ”I just want the kids out there to know, I believe in Santa. In my letter to Santa only asked for one thing, and that is to be your next President. Because when I’m President, I’m going to make a special holiday for Santa so he doesn’t have to share one with Jesus. I’m thinking we lose Martin Luther King’s Birthday since it looks like no one believes in his message of peace anyway, and make it Santa Day instead! With a little bit of Santa’s magic help, I will become your next President.”

 

Kindergarten Teacher Arrested For Having Sex With Student, Says ‘I Want To Marry Him’

BROKEN ARROW, Oklahoma – teacher sex with student

A 27-yr-old kindergarten school teacher was arrested on Monday for allegedly having sex with a student. The teacher, Sara Styles, was released on bail and was quoted as she left the courthouse saying, “I love him, and I want to marry him.” The student’s name was not immediately released due to the circumstances of the incident.  

“I love him, and he loves me,” said Styles in an interview with a local Oklahoma newspaper. “He makes me so happy, I want to marry him. I don’t care about the age difference, 20 years from now what will it matter? He has already said he will wait for me if I have to go to jail. We met on the playground after school about two months ago, and it’s been a whirlwind romance ever since. We never had sex on school grounds, so I don’t see what the big deal is.”

“I don’t see this case going anywhere, personally. I mean, I’m pretty sure that the kid knew what he was doing. Plus, Miss Styles is reportedly a very good teacher, I’m sure she showed him some good tricks,” said Police Chief Charles Gordon. “If anything, the kid should get a medal. All the officers were giving him high fives when he came by the police station. I mean shit, did you see Miss Styles? She’s smokin’ hot. I wish I was so lucky when I was a kid. All my teachers were old nuns.”

Superintendent Joel Olsen of the Broken Arrow School District said that Miss Styles met the student in question during an after school field day sponsored by the high school.

“The student Miss Styles is involved with is a 18-year-old senior, who was volunteering during the field day activities. While it’s certainly not illegal for a 25-year-old woman to have sex with a 18-year-old, it is illegal for a teacher to have sex with a student, whether that student is one of her own or not,” said Olsen. “We’re taking the matter very seriously, and Miss Styles has been put on leave with pay, per her union contract.”

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