BREAKING: A California Court Just Ruled That Starbucks Coffee Causes Cancer

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SACRAMENTO, California – 

Coffee drinkers, beware. A judge in California has just ruled that all coffees need to come with a label letting consumers know that the drink could cause cancer, as research has shown the roasting process of some beans may lead to cancerous cells. This includes labeling signs and cups in restaurants, including major chains like Starbucks.

Superior Court Judge Elihu Berle wrote in a proposed ruling Wednesday that Starbucks and other coffee companies failed to show that the threat from the chemical was insignificant.

“Frankly, we don’t give a shit if coffee causes cancer or not, it’s still delicious, right?” said Starbucks spokesperson Bill Richardson. “I have been drinking a dozen cups of Starbucks coffee every day for the last 18 years I’ve been with the company, and I’m still kicking. In fact, I’m kicking faster and with more focus. Damn, coffee is good.”

According to Starbucks, they will eventually comply with the law, letting consumers know that the coffee may be cancerous, but that it will take awhile before they can order new signs and cups.

“It’s not a quick process at all, for sure,” said Richardson. “We also plan to appeal, because I mean, come on. No one actually drinks our coffee anyway. It’s a status thing. You just carry around the cup so people can know that you’re a pretentious coffee drinker, but they’re not actually ingesting it. Our stores throw away more coffee than you can imagine. Come for the asshole servers, burnt espresso, and the free wi-fi – we’re not going to give you cancer. And if you do get cancer, are you ever going to trace it back to the coffee we served you? No. Get over it, whiners.”

Class Action Suit Being Filed Against Starbucks For Ripping Off Customers

U.S. Health Department Says Starbucks Coffee More Addicting Than Crack

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Starbucks has been accused of ripping customers off by under-filling customers’ cups, and a class action suit will press for damages. If successful anyone who purchased Starbucks between 2011-2016 will be able to claim free products or receive a cash refund of an undetermined amount. According to the suit, customers have been ripped off up to three ounces per cup, due to intentional underfill.

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Outraged customer Lillith Grace says she feels entitled to a cash reward. “Starbucks sizes have a corresponding ounce equivalent. If you’re not getting it, you’re being ripped off. If you pay for something and don’t get it, you should be compensated.”

Other customers disagree with the suit. “I’ve experienced this problem and I solved it by taking the drink back to the barista and asking for more coffee to be added since the drink was almost half foam. It’s sad that this constitutes a problem in America. I doubt people in other countries are worried about too much foam in their coffee drinks,” says Chris Tibette.

A former employee, Melody Joy says the cups are underfilled to prevent spillage. “I worked for Starbucks and we left the room in the cups so the drinks are not so easily spilled. Starbucks would be sued if they filled them to the brim and people got burnt or ruined their clothes. Variables such as cream or foam require room to be left at the top to add them. Without that space it makes it impossible for the customer to handle their drink if it’s too full. If your cup isn’t full enough tell the barista at that time!”

Dunking Donuts and Starbucks Plan Company Merger

dunkinbucks

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Starbucks may be on every single street corner in the country, but America runs on Dunkin. The two companies announced today that a merger, which is estimated to be worth somewhere in the nature of $2 billion, would be taking place over the remaining part of the year.

“It is with great joy that we announce that two of the biggest coffee chains in the country come together under one banner,” said the companies in a joint statement. “We are proud to announce that Dunkin’ Donuts and Starbucks will finally become one family, hereby now known as DunkinBucks.”

The companies say that the combo stores will begin opening sometime in late August, and that you will be able to get both coffees at each location, as well as the same pastries and doughnuts currently sold by each store.

“We didn’t want to take anything away from either brand, we just wanted to focus on a future,” finished the statement, published in The New York Times and Boston Globe, among other papers throughout the country. “This is the future of coffee.”

Starbucks Gives In To Criticism, Releases Jesus Christ Cups

starbucks

SEATTLE, Washington – 

Starbucks has curiously been under a slew of controversy in recent weeks after releasing holiday-themed cups with no actual theme; the company simply opted to do a solid red cup through the holiday season.

“Honestly, we don’t get what everyone is so mad about,” said Starbucks CEO Jim Starbuck. “I mean, we never had Christmas-themed cups, really. We had snowflakes. We had ornaments. It’s not like we ever put the Christ into Christmas with our cup images, so how the hell these ignorant Christians think we’re taking it out now, I’ll never know.”

Despite the company’s stand on how ignorant most of their customers seem to be, they did decide to release more Jesus-centric cups for the holidays.

“Regardless of the fact that people care what the hell the cup that their shitty, burnt coffee comes in, we have decided that the customer is always right, even when they’re wrong,” said Starbuck. “That’s why we’re putting out these Jesus-y cups, depicting Christ on the cross, a holy-looking Jesus, and Jesus as he appeared in the film The Passion of the Christ – all bloody and beaten. That one is my personal favorite.”

The cups will hit stores immediately, according to Starbucks.

“Maybe now everyone will shut the fuck up and start worrying about something that matters,” said Starbuck.

Man Who Breaks ‘Pay It Forward’ Chain At Starbucks Immediately Killed In Auto Wreck

car crash

TOLEDO, Ohio – 

Jacob Brunner, 36, of Toledo, was killed in an automobile accident immediately after pulling out of a Starbucks location in his hometown. Although tragic, the news would not normally go viral nationally, except that in this case, Brunner was the person who broke the “pay it forward” chain at the drive-thru window.

“We had 117 cars come through, and every single one of them ‘paid it forward’ by purchasing the coffee for the car behind them,” said Starbucks manager Kris Froth. “The first car of the day came through, paid for their coffee, and then paid for the person behind them as well, just as a kind gesture. When we informed that second car what happened, they offered to pay for the car behind them, and so on, all day. It went on for 8 hours like that, actually. Then Mr. Brunner came along.”

Froth says that when his employee, Jane Moyer, 19, told him that the person in front of him had paid for his coffee, and asked if he wanted to “pay it forward” by purchasing coffee for the next car, Brunner laughed.

“‘Fuck no, that’s retarded’ is what Mr. Brunner said when I told him about paying it forward,” said Moyer. “He said it was dumb, and it wasn’t paying forward anything, it was just paying a ‘little more or a little less’ for your own coffee, based upon the order of the person behind you, and that’s not how paying it forward worked. He took his free coffee and drove off. Then we heard the crash.”

According to police reports, Brunner pulled out of the Starbucks, located on North Rd., and when trying to cross into the turning lane, was struck by a semi-truck. He was killed instantly and reported deceased by a coroner at the scene.

“I guess it just goes to show you that you can never, ever break the chain,” said Froth. “Also, our Starbucks location has a sale on Grande coffees this week. Only $1.99, no coupon needed.”

Starbucks CEO To Divide Up His $8M Christmas Bonus Among Minimum Wage Employees

SEATTLE, Washington – Starbucks CEO To Divide Up His $8M Christmas Bonus Among Minimum Wage Employees

If you notice an extra pep in the smile or step of your local Starbucks cashier this holiday season, now you’ll know why. The CEO has announced today that he will be splitting his stupidly ridiculous $8 million dollar Christmas bonus up between all the minimum wage employees currently working for the major coffee chain.

CEO Howard Schultz has said that he has decided to give away his bonus to keep morale up during a hectic holiday season, and to help continue the good feeling customers get when coming into Starbucks.

“I want my employees happy. Happy employees equal happy customers,” said Schultz. “I’d love to keep the money myself, I’m only human, but that would be greedy. I don’t need the money, I make almost $30 million dollars a year, which amounts to over $14,000 an hour. These people are making less than $9 an hour. We where in a meeting, thinking of different ways to reward our employees for their hard work, and the little pay they make, when someone tossed me this idea. I laughed at first, but then I gave it some thought.”

Schultz said that after figuring his personal budget, and whether or not he could live without the extra $8 million on top of his regular salary, he decided that he would divide his bonus equally among all his employees.

“What the hell, you only live once or twice, give-or-take,” said Schultz. “This extra money will mean more to my employees than it can to me. Hell, I wasn’t going to spend $8 million on Christmas presents, anyway. I certainly don’t want to be one of the highest paid CEOs in the country, and be thought of as some sort of Christmas Scrooge. I hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday, and I want to thank them all for being Starbucks baristas.”

The bonus, which when divided equally among all the employees will be around $50, and will be issued to employees in the  form of a Starbucks branded pre-paid Visa.

 

U.S. Health Department Says Starbucks Coffee More Addicting Than Crack

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah – U.S. Health Department Says Starbucks Coffee More Addicting Than Crack

A recent study conducted by the US Health Department shows Starbucks coffee is more addicting than crack cocaine.

Derek Whistleton, a U.S. Health Department representative, sat down for an interview with the local D.C. newspaper Presidential Times, where he said that the Health Department gathered data for the study over the course of 26 months. “We really wanted to ensure we took the time to gather adequate and conclusive data, this was no fly-by-night operation.”

When asked what data was gathered and studied over the 26 month period, Whistleton replied “It’s simple, it can all be tracked by units consumed, and industry profits.”

“We used Salt Lake City, Utah as our test demographic and gathered all information used in the study from the patterns of Starbucks coffee and crack cocaine use by the citizens of Salt Lake City.”

When asked why they decided to base their entire study regarding the addictiveness of crack compared to coffee in a seemingly mild-mannered city such as Salt Lake City Whistler replied, “We wanted to ensure we had a completely random sample demographic so we decided to pick a city out of hat and drew Salt Lake City, Utah”

According to the study, the citizens of Salt Lake City consumed Starbucks coffee 99.99% more frequently than crack. “We were amazed at the results of our findings. The addictiveness of crack didn’t even hold a candle to that of Starbucks.”

According to the Salt Lake City Police Department’s records, crack is turning an estimated profit of $600,000 per year. Starbucks however is a billion dollar industry in Salt Lake City.

“Thousands of Salt Lake City housewives are spending upwards of $1300 a month on Starbucks coffee, and people just are not spending that much money on crack, period, case closed,” said Whistler. “We are actually wondering if it’s possible that Starbucks is actually putting a highly addictive substance, like crack, into their coffee in the first place. I mean, people aren’t drinking Starbucks coffee because it tastes good, that’s for sure. It was also explain the exorbitant prices they charge.”

The surprising part of this study, according to Whistler, was that Starbucks addiction is universal amongst all social classes. “We even asked a homeless man in downtown Salt Lake City if he wanted some crack and he grinned, raised his Starbucks cup in the air, and said ‘I’ve got my crack right here.’”

 

Blake Griffin Smacks Justin Bieber At Hollywood Starbucks

WEST HOLLYWOOD, California – Blake Griffin Smacks Justin Bieber At Hollywood Starbucks

Justin Bieber simply can’t seem to keep himself out of trouble.

Police were dispatched this morning to respond to an altercation at a Starbucks in West Hollywood involving some familiar faces. According to police reports, a barista at the coffee-house was apparently confronted by Bieber when he refused to serve the pop star because Bieber wasn’t wearing a shirt.

“He came in with no shirt on, and his pants hanging down and underwear showing. He tried to order a caramel apple macchiato,” said Joey Goldsmith, the Starbucks barista. “I know that it’s Hollywood, and we get some crazy looking folks in here. Celebrities, too. They all wear shirts, though. I simply informed Bieber that our store policy stated he would have to put a shirt on if he wanted to order. Everyone else in the place had a shirt on. Why the hell doesn’t Bieber ever have a shirt on, anyway?”

Customers in the coffee-house say that Bieber snapped, and according to the police report, started swearing at and threatening Goldsmith, saying that he would get his bodyguard to ‘kick [Goldsmith’s] ass’ and to just ‘give [me] a f—— macchiato.”

Fortunately for Goldsmith, LA Clippers star Blake Griffin, who had been enjoying a drink at a nearby table and was witness to the altercation, decided to step in.

Patrons and employees at the scene reported that Griffin tried to calm Bieber down by simply talking to him, but that he wasn’t listening, apparently not even aware of who Griffin was, and mistakenly thinking he was fully protected by his bodyguards and friends. There was more yelling, and Bieber ended up pushing Griffin, telling him to ‘back off.’ Many people in the Starbucks commented, barely able to stifle their laughter, that after Bieber started shoving Griffin is when he smacked Bieber in the face, knocking him to the floor.

“He smacked the s— out of him, and Bieber went down like a sack of moldy tangerines,” said one witness. “Before anyone could think to whip out their cell phones and film it for YouTube, Justin’s entourage scooped him up and helped him stumble out of the door. I think he was crying. They threw a sweatshirt or something on him and literally stuffed him into the back of a car. It was kind of sad and pathetic, just like his music.”

Bieber was gone before police arrived at the scene, and no charges were brought against Griffin. His Starbucks coffee was on the house.

Doctors & FCC Conclude WiFi Networks Cause Migraine Headaches

BALTIMORE, Maryland – Doctors & FCC Conclude WiFi Networks Cause Migraine Headaches

The ‘tin foil hat crowd’ may not be so crazy after all. Doctors at Baltimore’s Johns Hopkins School of Medicine have announced today a link between the most common high-speed Wi-Fi bandwidth frequencies and the increase of migraine headaches in people who connect wirelessly.

Researchers from the Federal Communications Commission (FCC), working alongside doctors, scientists, and migraine headache specialists, announced the results of a two-year study in which test subjects, 50% of whom were predisposed to migraine headaches, were fitted with portable wireless routers and asked to visit heavily trafficked areas of several metropolitan centers.

Half of the participants, or “Human Hot Spots” (HHSs), were sent to coffee shops, public parks, and other venues where Wi-Fi users congregate.  The other half were set up in more conventional Wi-Fi settings, designed to mimic average residential homes and apartments in cities and suburbs.

For the public participants, tiny sensors were used to measure electrical changes in the brain and were attached to baseball caps and bandanas.  The head coverings were used to hide the brain monitoring wires so as not to draw unnecessary attention to the HHSs, thus skewing the results.

“The most severe triggers occurred at trendy, neighborhood cafes, with Starbucks coffee shop locations throughout the country triggering the most severe headaches within the test group,” reported study coordinator Dr. Frank Muller of Johns Hopkins.

“Some of our most sensitive subjects would report splitting headaches instantly upon entering these establishments.  The volunteers would record pain thresholds on a 1 to 10 scale, by inputting data on an iPad tablet, given to them as payment for their participation and at the completion of the research project. Starbucks and other hip locales of that nature almost always registered between a 7 and a 10 with the participants.”

The data entered by the test subjects would then be compared to the corresponding electroencephalographic (EEG) data recorded by the modified headgear attached to their scalps.

A control group of patients, also fitted with the same headgear, were placed in assorted settings more resembling a typical household or apartment.  These patients reported a next to normal ratio of headache/migraine instances as compared to the publicly exposed test subjects sent to cafes, coffee shops and various artisanal establishments.

“The results of our findings are very new, and warrant further study,” cautioned Dr. Muller.  “I don’t think people should throw out their routers and modems just yet,” he added.  “There is some credence to the wavelength barriers that some people have used.  A lot of people who walked around with tin foil in their hats or colanders on their heads may very well have been protecting themselves from certain harmful bandwidths.”

Whether a new metallic fashion trend is in the making is up for debate.  Further evaluation of the Johns Hopkins study by the American Medical Association (AMA) has begun, with the hope that relief can be offered to the 12% of the nation’s population affected by migraine headaches.

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