Federal Lawmakers Look To Abolish Public Sex Offender Registry In U.S.

Posted on July 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In some unsettling news out of the nation’s capital this morning, legislators are looking into the possibility of completely abolishing the public sex offender registry, and giving access to the private information of convicted sex offenders only to law enforcement personnel.

“The United States is the only country in the world with a publicly available sex offender list.” Said Representative Chuck Sharpe (D), of Ohio, who is leading the charge against the ‘right to know’ policy on sex offenders. “Ireland, Australia, New Zealand – even Canada – they all have registries that are only available to law enforcement. These people, most have done their time, and they deserve some privacy as well.”

Sharpe says that one of his family members was convicted of molesting a young girl, and was sentenced to 8 years in prison. Upon his release, he was quoted as saying that it’s been “a nightmare to find work or rent an apartment.”

“My Uncle Joe is a good man. A lot of these sex offenders are good people. They just have different sexual needs, you know?” Said Sharpe. “Personally, I enjoy sex with cans of cat food. It doesn’t make me a bad person, does it? I am okay with telling the world about my intercourse with Friskies, but that doesn’t mean I want to be put on a list somewhere for it, either.”

Many parents groups were outraged by the thought of not being able to check their smartphone apps to see who lived nearby that might want to bring their child on a candy-filled ride in a windowless van.

“Every day after I check the news, the first thing I do is open up the Safe Neighborhood app on my phone, and look to make sure no new perverts have moved into my area.” Said Maureen Nicholson, a mother of two young girls in Albany, New Hampshire. “Thankfully, our town is small, and I pretty much know all the sickos by sight. If there was no registry, though, how would I know who all the sick bastards are that want to have their way with my kids?”

Not surprisingly, the only people who seem to be really excited about the possibility of no longer having to make their presence known every time they move to a new area are the actual convicted-offenders themselves.

“I was released 5 years ago after doing 2 years for sexual assault.” Said Leanaí Diddler, a registered sex offender. “Since then, I’ve had to always tell everyone who I was whenever I got to a new town. I might as well be forced to wear a scarlet P for pedophile on my jacket, that’s how bad it is. The Pedobear tattoo I got in prison probably isn’t helping me out, but this could potentially change my life. I deserve to be treated like all the non-child-touchers out there!”

Although faced with a tough battle to have the laws changed, Sharpe thinks they will be successful thanks to backing by public-interest groups, as well as everyday citizens who see the need for privacy in these matters.

“I talked to a kid the other day,” Said Sharpe. “He’s a registered sex offender at 20 years old. He just got out after doing 3 years for having sex with his 16 year old girlfriend while he was 17, which is illegal in his home state of New Mexico. It wasn’t rape. It wasn’t even non-consenual. He just slept with the wrong angry bitch, who lied to her parents and police after he left her for another girl, a cute redhead in his English class. Now, don’t you think he deserves another chance?”

Lawmakers have said that this option of hiding the identities of sex offenders was preferable to their other options, which included forehead brands that said “SICKO,” or violent, total castration.

“We were really tempted to just cut off the balls of every single sex offender that was out there.” Said Representative Carl Hardy (D) of Georgia. “Upon considering our options, we figured that this would be a much better option for anyone involved. Where would we even put all those testicles, anyway?”

Google Looks To Buy MySpace, Livejournal, Plans To Combine Them With Google+

Posted on July 2, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California –

Google announced this morning their intentions to buy the brands and websites of MySpace and Livejournal, as well as several other smaller, mostly defunct social media sites, to add to their Google+ environment. Google says that they are buying up all these “ghost town” websites to create what they consider a monopoly on social media that no one cares about.

“When we launched Google+ a few years back, we had plans on it becoming bigger than any social media site ever.” Said Larry Page, CEO of Google, INC. “What we failed to realize is that even though we have the biggest website in the world, with more traffic than anyone else, we just aren’t cool enough to get people to want to switch over from Facebook.”

Although many people jumped immediately onto the Google+ bandwagon, the company found there was little they could do to steer people away from mega-giant social media website Facebook. In fact, so few people actually used their Google+ accounts, that Google decided to force people into using it by combining YouTube with their G+ services, something that didn’t sit well with most YouTube users.

“No one uses Google+, and no one wants to use Google+.” Said YouTube commenter ‘BuzzsGirlfriendWoof.’ “Why do I want to have to leave Facebook and go to another site, just to add everyone all over again over there? What a pain in the [expletive].

“We probably came to the game way, way too late.” Agreed Page. “So we’re trying something new, again, and this strategy is a surefire way to get people away from ‘big blue,’ as we call them. All these old websites that no one visits anymore – we’re going to make them hip and cool again.”

Page went on to explain that their plan is to purchase MySpace, LiveJournal, Friendster, DeviantArt, and AOL Instant Messenger, and combine them all into one giant, multi-purpose free-for-all of a social media website called ClusterFudge, with plans to have it be featured when you visit any of the old URLs, or the existing Google+ page.

“ClusterFudge is going to be incredible, seriously.” Said Page during a recent press conference. “You will have our already sleek Google+ website interface, but we will be adding in the features of all the other websites, including blogging and writing notes like LiveJournal, and adding your artwork and photos like DeviantArt. We also are super excited to be able to introduce a great chat feature with the purchase of AOL Instant Messenger from AOL.com.”

When it was pointed out to him during the conference that Facebook already does all of those things, Page brushed off the comment, saying that “they weren’t interested in the dealings of a competitor.”

“We just want to shake up your old memories with this website. You’ll have a top 8 again! Don’t you remember how cool that was? We’re even getting Tom to be your first friend just like old times!” Said Page.

The new website is currently being built by Google teams, in conjunction with several designers and engineers behind the other websites they’re looking to purchase. So far, no deals have been signed, but the purchase of these old, mostly dead and completely non-trafficed sites is said to be somewhere in the nature of only about $50,000.

Fast Food Chains Brace For Onslaught Of Fake ‘Sympathy Stories’ By Parents Of Disfigured Children

Posted on June 25, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

OAK BROOK, Illinois –

McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Burger King, and several other fast food chains have been preparing for the worst, after a story about a girl with scars from a pitbull attack was allegedly asked to leave a KFC restaurant in Jackson, Mississippi because her face was “scaring other customers.”

When that story proved to be completely false, made up by the family of the young girl to gain sympathy and money for her surgeries, other fast food chains buckled down, preparing for an onslaught of fake stories created by parents of ugly or disfigured children.

“We have already informed all of our store managers that they need to treat every customer with dignity and respect, something they strive to do already.” Said Ray Kroc, president of theMcDonald’s Corporation. “We also let them know that if they get any ugly or otherwise ‘messed up’ kids in their restaurants, that they need to go the extra mile for them, and their families. We can’t take any chances, here.”

KFC Corporation had initially offered to donate $30,000 to Victoria Wilcher, the young girl who was reportedly asked to leave their restaurant, to help pay for her rapidly rising medical costs. When news broke that Wilcher’s grandmother, Kelly Mullins, had fabricated the story, KFC actually stood by their offer, something other companies might have never done.

“We offered her the money, we’re not going to take it back now.” Said Harland Sanders, president of KFC Corporation. “I mean, if the family wants to not take the money now that the world knows they’re complete liars, then that’s up to them.”

“That story went viral, and before they knew what hit them, KFC was giving away thousands of dollars. It’s now been proven that [the family] completely made up the story.” Said Dave Thomas, president of Wendy’s Restaurants. “Are they bad people for trying to scam a multi-billion dollar corporation? Well, that’s for everyone else and KFC to decide, not me. I’m not the one handing over thirty grand.”

Several fast food chains have already gone on record as saying that they will not be giving a cent to anyone, no matter how severe their fake claims are, or how hard they tug on the heartstrings of a gullible public, without proper research into any allegations.

“I don’t care if someone says we dragged a kid with no legs out of his wheelchair and pelted him with chicken nuggets,” said Kroc. “We’re not even giving the kid a free Happy Meal until we’ve investigated the matter internally.”

In this sue-happy, complaint-riddled world, it’s not just restaurants that need to be worried about these fake ‘sympathy stories.’ The entire retail world is shaking where they stand, readying themselves to be sued for anything from an offensive TV commercial to a store employee with bad breath.

“We’ve had so many complaints over the years, so many stories made up about us, I can’t keep track of them all.” Said Sanders. “We use rats instead of chicken, that our chickens are mutants, that we support the KKK…we’ve had them all. You know what, though? We’re still here, still clucking right along.”

So far, no comments have been made publicly by Victoria’s family, but their Facebook page, which was set up to help raise money for Victoria’s medical bills and was the page that originally posted the allegations against KFC, was removed on Tuesday afternoon.

YouTube-Famous Daredevil Vitaly Raskalov Injured In Freak Accident

Posted on June 24, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

KYIY, Ukraine –

World-class daredevil and internet sensation Vitaly Raskalov was reportedly hospitalized for an injury he sustained at his home in Kyiy, Ukraine. Raskalov, who is famous for his YouTube videos of dangerous acts, like scaling skyscrapers, cranes, and buildings all over the world, apparently tripped while getting out of the shower, causing him to break his shoulder.

“It’s really silly, honestly.” Said Raskalov from his hospital bed. “But ya know, It happens to people all the time, doesn’t it? Why can’t it happen to me?”

There is a level of irony at Raskalov’s injury, as he has traveled the world risking life and limb climbing skyscrapers, buildings, and even the pyramids of Egypt.

Raskalov first rose to prominence as his YouTube videos showed him hanging from ledges hundreds of feet above the ground, walking along the rails of an abandoned roller coaster in Japan, or sneaking past security guards to gain access to restricted buildings. His extreme stunts have gotten him arrested and banned from multiple countries, including Egypt for the pyramid climb, and Russia for multiple stunts.

Doctors say that Raskalov will be back illegally climbing buildings by the end of the summer, assuming his shoulder heals properly. Thankfully, they say, he is in such great athletic shape, that his physical therapy should be minimal.

“This is an amazing kid, and what he does is…well, it makes me palms sweat when I see the videos.” Said Dr. Victor Marshen, Raskalov’s doctor. “He’s truly talented, and probably just a little past crazy.”

Raskalov has said that he still has several hours of video footage recorded, so his YouTube channel will continue to have new content, and that he plans on traveling to the US in the fall with hopes of climbing the Empire State building.

Las Vegas Bans EDM, Dubstep Music From Being Played In Public

Posted on June 23, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Las Vegas mayor Betsy Fretwell announced today that the city, which has a long history with music and nightlife, has decided to ban all electronic dance music, dubstep, house, and any other “annoying sounds” from being played in public. The ban would not just be for people playing it loudly in their cars while driving or in their homes, but it also bans all artists from playing that kind of “music” in any club or casino within the city limits.

“We may be known as Sin City to people around the world,” said Fretwell. “But what we are not is tolerant of bad performances. This city has a history of outstanding music. The strip has been home to everyone from Frank Sinatra and Elton John, to Garth Brooks and Britney Spears. We love all types of music. That said, though, this so-called ‘dubstep’ and ‘EDM’ – these are not musical genres. They are noise, and they are obnoxious. The people of Las Vegas don’t want talentless hacks filling our casinos and nightclubs.”

Fretwell said that the ban would have to be strictly enforced by all private casinos, or they would face fines.

“We are pretty positive that the casinos and clubs of Las Vegas will abide by this new ban. Even if they don’t, it will be so strictly monitored by the people who live in this city, a club would be stupid to book a show. They’ll know that the city will tear them apart like a fat man eating at an all-you-can eat buffet.”

“To be honest, this won’t hurt our business at all.” Said Mark Tidwin, president of the Sands Casino on the strip in Las Vegas. “We very rarely would book crap like that, so it isn’t going to bother us that we can have that Skrilly guy here, or whatever his name is.”

Las Vegas is the first city in the country to outright ban dubstep music, although many other cities have ordinances that only allow it to be played in areas where there are no homes or businesses. Decatur, Alalbama, for example, has a regulation that dubstep “can only be played between the hours of 3pm and 5pm, and must be only played in an area where it cannot be heard by anyone within a 30 mile radius.”

Opponents of the ban were hard to find, as most self-respecting people that were asked would not admit to listening to that type of music. Even one teenager in Las Vegas, who was wearing a t-shirt for Deadmau5, a house music producer, denied listening to that type of music when questioned about the ban.

“I just like the design on this shirt. I got it on clearance at Hot Topic.” Said the teen. “Does anyone actually like that garbage if they’re not on drugs? I mean hell, it’s just a dude pressing buttons on his computer.”

Fretwell says she is glad that the ban was passed with no push-back from the city council.

“It’s a great day. I can go outside, and I can hear the drunks and the slot machines, the old folks and the high-rollers. Thank God, though, I don’t have to hear any wub-wub.”

Unborn Baby Becomes Pregnant While Still Inside The Womb

Posted on June 23, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Oregon –

A pregnant woman in Portland, Oregon was hospitalized this week with extreme stomach pains, and doctors were shocked at what they discovered.

Mary Lambert, who is 8 months pregnant, went to Silverstein Memorial Hospital in Portland when she thought she might be going into labor. Doctors examined her, and initially could not figure out what was causing Lambert’s pain. After an ultrasound to check on her baby, they were taken aback to find that her unborn daughter was also pregnant.

“I have never in my life seen anything like this.” Said Dr. Joseph Goldsmith, a pediatric surgeon at Silverstein. “I don’t think anyone has. This is the first time that an unborn baby has become impregnated. It’s so far beyond rare that we didn’t know it was possible.”

Up until now, the youngest person to ever become pregnant was Lina Medina, a Peruvian girl who was just under 6 years old when she gave birth. Doctors were shocked at Medina’s diagnosis at the time, but it was later discovered that she had entered into Precocious puberty, which is a rare disorder that causes puberty in extremely young children. It won’t be possible to test Lambert’s unborn daughter for Precocious puberty until she is born. Even if she is found to have the rare disorder, it will still make her the youngest person to ever become pregnant.

Lambert and her husband, Carl, are naturally very worried about the safety of their baby.

“Doctors told us it was safe to have sex while I was pregnant. Several of my girlfriends told me that they did, and there were no problems at all.” Said Lambert. “We never thought this would happen. Carl is going to be a dad, and a grandpa all at once? I don’t – I mean, who can understand all this? I just worry that my baby won’t make it. Even if she does, I’m too young to be a grandmother.”

Lambert’s doctors say, unbelievably, that both babies seem to be very healthy. When Lambert gives birth to her baby next month, she will be about 6 months pregnant, and is looking at spending her first several months of life in the hospital as doctors determine how best to handle the situation.

“At this point, we don’t know whether Mary’s daughter will survive if she continues to sustain another life inside her.” Said Goldsmith. “All we know is that this is a very rare, very unusual case, and we are taking it day-by-day. So far, Mary and babies are doing fine.”

Texas Judge Sentences Man To Death For Marijuana Possession

Posted on June 22, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUSTIN, Texas –

An Austin Superior Court judge sentenced 34 year old Joseph Goldsmith to death row yesterday, after Goldsmith was picked up on his third offense for marijuana possession.

Judge Martin Churchill said during the trial that he had “already seen [Goldsmith] twice” and that “the third time was the charm.”

“If a man cannot get his act together, and he is arrested multiple times for the same crime, then I have no choice but to hand out the swiftest and harshest punishment I can.” Said Churchill. “In this case, the public needs to know how the state of Texas deals with repeat offenders, especially when they are drug-related crimes.”

Goldsmith, who has no other arrests on his report other than the previous two convictions for misdemeanor marijuana possession, was visibly upset when the verdict was read.

“I cannot believe it. This is like a nightmare.” Said Goldsmith, in tears after the hearing. “It was just a couple of joints. This isn’t right.”

Goldsmith was arrested this third and final time with around a gram of marijuana in his possession. In several states throughout the U.S., this amount would get him a small fine. In others, he would be let off with a warning. The state of Texas has the toughest laws on marijuana possession in the country.

“We will definitely be appealing the court’s decision.” Said Matthew Klein, Goldsmith’s attorney. “A sentence of death does not fit this crime. There is no way that we are going to let this stand.”

Goldsmith was sent to the Texas State Correctional Facility in Austin after the trial. Per his conviction, he will be required to remain on death row until an appeal can overturn the judge’s decision.

Chemist Stephanie Kwolek To Be Buried In Kevlar Casket

Posted on June 22, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WILMINGTON, Delaware –

Stephanie Kwolek, the famed chemist who invented kevlar, died earlier this week at age 90. Over 50 years ago while working for DuPont Chemicals, Kwolek invented the solution that could be spun into the exceptionally strong fibers that are now used worldwide in police and military protective equipment. Her last request was that she be buried in a coffin made of the material that made her famous.

“Policemen and women around the world have been made safer from kevlar for years.” Said Kwolek in an interview only a few short months ago. “When I die, I want to have them make my casket out of kevlar, so that I can be protected in the afterlife.”

The DuPont corporation has fronted the entire cost for Kwolek’s funeral, including building a custom casket designed especially for Kwolek.

“We want Mrs. Kwolek to rest comfortably, and we are going to follow her wishes.” Said Ellen Kullman, chairman of DuPont Chemicals. “It’s the least we could do for a woman who brought so much to our company and to the safety of people throughout the world.”

Kwolek’s casket is being designed by DuPont’s top engineers, and will feature a body made entirely of spun kevlar, and adorned with 14k gold handles. She is also being buried wearing a bulletproof vest and full kevlar body armor.

“You never know what may come for you in the afterlife.” Said Kwolek. “I’m going to be ready for whatever the next realm throws my way.”

Several Banks Looking To Impose Negative Interest Rates On Customers

Posted on June 16, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Several national banks have begun looking into the possibility of charging a negative interest rate on all accounts, both check and savings, to all their accountholders.

UE Bank, one of the nation’s largest private banking firms, was the first to implement the change to their customers’ accounts, and since then several other large banks, including Bank of The United States, C.J. Manhattan, Wells-Fortune United, and CitiCorp have all started looking into changing their interest rates to negative amounts as well.

“What this means for our customer is that instead of us paying you a few pennies a month to hold your money, you pay us instead.” Said Maxwell Chase, CEO of UE Banks. “A normal interest rate is about .08%, so you know, it’s not like you’re earning much anyway. We [banks] are taking all the risk holding onto your money. We have to insure it and all that. Heck, we could get robbed! It’s high risk handling cash. So we decided that on top of our normal banking fees, we’ll now start implementing a -.08% interest rate, so every month you give us just a small taste of your account balance, and we’ll promise to keep it safe and working for you.”

Naturally, banking customers are furious over this new change started by UE, and customers from other banking institutions are already protesting by removing their cash and closing accounts.

“I got hit one day with a $48 fee because I was over-drafted by eleven cents.” Said Chris Sharpe, a longtime customer of Wells-Fortune United. “I went in to talk to them about it, and they wouldn’t do a thing for me. Not a damn thing. I’ve been a customer for over 20 years, and never had any other incidents, and they just shut me down. I should have left then. I tell you what, if they’re going to charge me to hold onto my money, I’m taking it out right now. My mattress will hold my cash for free!”

Sharpe isn’t the only person to complain about banking fees, with many other customers of several banks saying they experienced similar problems.

“I was a customer at UE for about 4 years. I had my identity stolen through PayPal or eBay, and it charged my card about $200.” Said Francis Miller. “I asked them to reverse the charges, and they wouldn’t, saying I had to prove that it wasn’t me. How can I prove that it wasn’t me who did something? It cost me the $200, plus another $45 a day in overdraft fees. After about 2 weeks, it was all figured out. They took care of the $200, but those overdraft fees? Yup, I still owed them. I hate banks.”

“That’s not an uncommon feeling.” Said Professor Richard Kim, a financial advisor and teacher at Columbia University. “These banks, they charge what I call ‘fictional fees.’ There is no reason they need to charge you hundreds of dollars for over-drafting a small amount. All that money, it’s completely digital – completely fake, if you will. They have every ability to wipe away whatever they want, but they’d rather just try and force people to pay for something that they don’t rightfully owe.”

With most banks starting their new fiscal year on July 1st, it’s possible that these new negative interest rates could be implemented this year. So far, only the five major banks mentioned here have begun to look into the option, but Professor Kim warns all banking customers to keep an eye on their institution’s interest rates and fees.

“They change these things on a whim, always.” Said Kim. “Keep your eye on the big guys!”

Woman Gives Birth, Confuses Doctors By Asking For Maternity Test

Posted on June 14, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BILOXI, Mississippi –

A Biloxi woman gave birth to a baby boy late Friday evening, and confused doctors by immediately asking for a maternity test. Sarah Keller, 26, said that she didn’t believe that she was the mother of the baby, and wanted a maternity test to prove that she wasn’t.

“My boyfriend and I always use condoms, or he pulls out. There’s no way that I’m the mother.” said Keller. “I thought that Joe had been cheating on me, and now I can get all the proof I need.”

Keller said that her boyfriend, Joe Camden, also 26, and her had been together for 4 years and had never even had a pregnancy scare before she found out she was pregnant last November. When she got the news, Keller said she became enraged, and told Camden that she knew he had been sleeping around.

“I don’t know why she thinks I’ve been cheatin’.” Said Camden. “I’ve been as faithful to her as eggs are to chickens.”

Through an odd series of events, testing done by the hospital actually showed that Camden was not the father of the baby. When the hospital told her the news, Keller seemed confused.

“That’s not possible. He’s definitely the father.” Said Keller. “I screwed around with a few guys when Joe and I was on a little ‘break’ we took last year. But them guys weren’t my boyfriends, so they couldn’t have gotten me pregnant.”

Doctors calmly explained to Keller how reproduction worked, and that it was impossible that she wasn’t the mother. They then immediately contacted the Mississippi State Child Welfare Department. They also reached out to eight men who Keller reluctantly named as the ones she had been with while temporarily separated from Camden. They hope to discover true paternity in the next few weeks.