Kanye West Announces Run For Presidency In 2020, Oddly Assumes He’ll Still Be Relevant

Posted on August 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

During the MTV VMAs, an award ceremony in its 32nd year that approximately 6 people may have cared to watch, producer, rapper, and Mr. Kardashian himself, Kanye West, announced that he would run for president during the 2020 elections.

“No one would make a better president than I would,” said West, presumably. “Hell, we’ve already had one black president. I could run in 2016, but I forgot those elections were happening, and I’m a little late. So I’ll run in 2020, and I’ll win. Plus, Kim will make one hell of a first lady, that’s for damn sure.”

According to political analysts, West has approximately a “0%” chance of ever becoming elected, whether he ran in 2016, 2020, or in 2040.

“Kanye West is already fading into obscurity, thank God,” said political analyst Mike Phisher. “He does these things to make himself stand out for a second, like interrupting Taylor Swift, having unhealthy obsessions with Beyonce, having really ugly babies and naming them odd-ball things. He’s not really a celebrity anymore, and by 2020 he’ll be completely forgotten. He’s kind of just the male version of his wife, Kim Kardashian. He has about as much chance being elected president as an illegal immigrant from Mexico. Besides, what party would want him? There is no ‘pretentious asshole’ party.”

West reportedly seems undeterred.

“I will certainly stand a better chance than most people, as I have tons of money to waste and can run easily spend enough to get noticed, not that there’s any way that I won’t still be in the spotlight,” said West. “Thing is, nobody is better than me at anything. I could be the next president, the next Pope, the shit don’t matter. Whatever I’m doing, I’m doing it better than anyone.”

Hulk Hogan Wears Blackface In Public To Prove He’s ‘Not Racist’

Posted on August 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Former professional wrestler Terry Bollea, better known as Hulk Hogan, was recently spotted in Los Angeles wearing his trademark Hulkamania tee-shirt and bandana, but also sporting something a little more out of the ordinary for the 62-year-old.

“I saw Hogan walking through the mall, headed into a JC Penney, and his entire face was painted black. For a minute, I didn’t even recognize him. But on second glance, those 24-inch pythons gave him away,” said Jerry Miller, who was shopping in the Los Angeles City Mall. “Hogan was wearing blackface! I am a longtime fan, but even I was too embarrassed to walk over and ask for a picture.”

According to Hogan, he decided to paint his face fully black just to prove that he’s “not a racist.”

“You see brother, I may have said some racist things, brother. But that was years ago, brother, and I tell you, brother, I am definitely not a racist, brother,” said Hogan to a fan who was bold enough to ask about the blackface. “The thing is brother, I painted my face so that all the little Hulkamaniacs out there could see that the real Hogan isn’t a racist, brother. Sometimes, brother, you just say a racist-sounding thing, brother, but that doesn’t mean that what’s in your heart, brother, is really wrong, brother.”

Hogan has reportedly also tried to clear his image in other ways. He recently appeared on morning television, sans blackface, asking for forgiveness from the American public.

“I’m also gonna try, brother, hanging around with some more brothers, brother,” said Hogan. “I feel like the only way to really get forgiveness, brother, is if all the brothers out there can forgive me, brother. I just want everyone to know that I am still a real American, brother. I’ll fight for the rights of every man, brother. I’ll fight for what’s right, brother. Fight for your lives, brother. Brother.”

The WWE, the company that made Hogan a household name in the 80s, has all but erased his name from their website, including removing him from their Hall of Fame listings, after it was discovered recently that Hogan made racially insensitive comments several years ago.

Lemonade Stands A Thing of the Past? Children In Colorado Starting ‘Weed Stands’

Posted on August 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOULDER, Colorado –

It’s been over a year and a half since marijuana was legalized in Colorado for recreational use, and it seems that the state has been doing extremely well. With a massive influx in cash, the state has been able to use the money for better their police and firehouses, to fix and maintain roadways, and for supercharging the education system.

It’s the last part that has gotten some children notice lately, as last week, two 11-year-old boys in Boulder began selling marijuana at a roadside stand. The two say they got the idea during their 5th grade math class.

“Our teacher, Mr. Ames, he told us we could do anything we wanted in life, including selling drugs!” said Joey Goldsmith, 11. “I never thought about it before, but now that weed is legal, anyone can get it. Well, anyone over 18. Thankfully, I have an older brother and he gets and smokes it all the time, so he lets me take some and my buddy Mike and I sell it in my front yard.”

Joey says that he and Mike have made over $4,000 in just under 6 days, selling medical-grade marijuana to the people of their suburban neighborhood.

“It’s a really great idea,” said Mike Falkner, also 11. “I took my $2,000, and I bought an XBox One and a PS4. It’s pretty awesome!”

Both children say their parents have been “very supportive” of their marijuana stand, and plan to help them in any way they can.

“With the amount of money that Joey is making, I was actually able to take more time off from work so that I could help them sell,” said Marlene Goldsmith, Joey’s mother. “I was a pediatric nurse making $11.50 an hour, so frankly, there’s more money in dealing.”

Authorities say they have checked on the status of the marijuana stand, and that the boys have done everything legally, including getting a dispensary license and filing forms with the state as a legitimate LLC.

Jared Fogle Makes Deal To Serve His Prison Time At Juvenile Detention Center

Posted on August 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ZIONSVILLE, Indiana –

Jared Fogle, the disgraced former pitchman for Subway sandwiches who recently admitted to having sex with girls as young as 9, has been charged with federal crimes of paying for and engaging in sexual acts with children, as well as receiving and distributing child pornography. Along with paying a reported $1.4M to 14 victims, Fogle will also be required to serve time in prison, although lawyers for the once-loved sandwich slinger say his time will be served quite differently.

“Mr. Fogle has made arrangements through the District Attorney’s office to do his mandatory prison time at an undisclosed juvenile facility,” said Fogle’s attorney, Joe Goldsmith. “Part of his plea deal was that he not be sent to a regular federal penitentiary, as he fears for his life.”

According to Fogle, he wouldn’t last “one day” in a standard federal prison.

“I may have committed these crimes, but I’m paying for it from my own wallet,” said Fogle. “I’d rather not have to pay for it with my life, which is what would happen if I went to a regular prison. I’d either have to be in protective custody 24/7, or I’d be taking footlong dicks and six inch shanks left and right. Doing my time at a facility for juveniles, I’ll be better able to protect myself from harm.”

Goldsmith says that a plea deal is being entered soon, and that Fogle will immediately after turn himself in to authorities to begin serving his time. Fogle has reportedly agreed to serve 5 years in exchange for his plea, but authorities are pushing for 11 years. Either way, because of his quasi-celebrity status, he’s bound to be out in 18 months.

New Disgusting Secrets Emerge from Jared Fogle’s Basement

Posted on August 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

The ongoing investigation of former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle continues to dredge up shocking new evidence, which promises to bring even more legal trouble for the extremely disgraced pitchman.

According to recently released FBI documents, police investigators found a false wall hidden in Fogle’s basement. Inside the secret room were hundreds of bags of Quizno’s sandwich wrappers. Most disturbingly, many of the wrappers were from Quizno’s kid’s meals.

While Subway did not have the foresight to include a clause in Fogle’s contract regarding statutory rape, they did have a clause that dictated Fogle’s eating habits, including that Subway be the only sandwich chain he was allowed to frequent. Lawyers for the sandwich giant will have cause of action for a lawsuit if they can prove Fogle was the one to buy the Quiznos sandwiches.

Attorney Abraham Bergen says after the settlements are granted to the underage victoms, Subway will likely seize any assets Fogle has left. “You could say Subway is the real victim in all of this,” said Bergen. “They spent years promoting their sandwiches with Fogle as the face of the company. No doubt they’ll be there to pick the bones and take whatever’s left. I’d advise them to move fast so there is something to take, but it’s a sensitive situation.”

Racist Hashtag #BlackFaceFun Begins Trending On Social Media

Posted on August 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

White teens throughout the country have begun a new trend of painting their faces black and posting pictures on Instagram and Facebook with the hashtag #BlackFaceFun. The movement, which many assume started as a gag, has grown into a massive trend over the last few weeks, with tens of thousands of posts showing white teens with their faces colored completely black.

“Frankly, I just think it’s hilarious,” said Joey McDonald, 17. “I don’t want to be black – I mean hell, who would want to be black – but it’s hilarious as hell to paint your face, screw around with your friends, and talk like a street thug. It’s not racist, it’s just how the blacks act, you know? If anything, we’re celebrating their culture, not being racist.”

Apparently, most teens share the same thoughts as McDonald, claiming that they don’t see the hashtag as racist, just fun.

“I colored my face in with a Sharpie, so it stayed black for a couple weeks,” said Melissa Brenner, 16. “It actually really taught me a lesson about what the blacks actually go through. I got pulled over while driving my Daddy’s BMW because the cop thought I was really black, and so he just wanted to check to make sure the car wasn’t stolen. Once I told him I was actually white, and that it was just a silly internet thing, we had a good laugh about it.”

Many African-Americans say that the entire concept of the trend is sickening, and they hope that the hashtag doesn’t catch on.

“I don’t go out there, painting my face white with White-Out or whatever, hashtagging ‘WhiteFaceFun’ or ‘WhiteyFun’ or any shit like that,” said Jamal Jenkins, 19. “If I did, I’d probably get my black ass beat down by a gang of KKK guys or something. It’s all bullshit, completely. I hope to hell one of these silly white kids gets shot by a cop just because he thinks they’re actually black. That’ll put an end to this stupid trend pretty damn quick.”

Donald Trump Ends Rosie O’Donnell Feud, Asks Her To Be Presidential Running Mate

Posted on August 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has reportedly squashed his long-standing feud with TV personality Rosie O’Donnell, and sources are indicating that he has asked her to be his running mate in the 2016 presidential elections. There has been no confirmation on whether O’Donnell has accepted the offer, but members of Trump’s campaign team say that they are “pretty sure” that O’Donnell will commit.

“At this point, Ms. O’Donnell has not accepted Mr. Trump’s offer to run as his Vice President during the 2016 elections, but we have high hopes that she will commit. She’s definitely got the mouth to be included in such a career,” said Trump’s campaign manager, Rick Turner.

According to insiders, the entire thing is just a “marketing ploy” to make the public view Trump in a more positive light.

“Frankly, the only reason that Trump would want someone like Rosie O’Donnell to run with him is because he can’t possibly win the election without some minority voters,” said an anonymous source from Trumps campaign team. “He could have chosen a black running mate, or a Latino, or other such minority. Instead, he chose O’Donnell, because she’s a big mouthed lesbian. That right there can account for a huge chunk of the gay vote, the woman voters, and even some of the blacks, just because.”

O’Donnell could not be reached for comment, but a close friend says that she would “love to be Vice President,” but that she has no intentions of doing so with Donald Trump as the man in charge.

Hackers Steal Vital iTunes User Info, Plan To Release Names of Nickleback Fans

Posted on August 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CUPERTINO, California –

A group of hackers that call themselves The Knights of Freedom have reportedly hacked into Apple’s iTunes database and stolen vital information about user purchases. The KoF say they plan on releasing the names, addresses, and emails of iTunes users who have purchased songs by the band Nickleback.

“These individuals have, indeed, been able to breach our secure systems to find the information they needed,” said Apple security manager Joe Dante. “They were not able to access any payment or credit card info, but we have learned that they did steal the names of those users who have a habit of buying or listening to Nickelback music. We apologize profusely for allowing this breach to occur, and we are praying for our users that these hackers never release their names.”

The KoF reportedly left a message on popular website Reddit, claiming responsibility.

“We know who you are, Nickelback fans. We have your names. We know your addresses. We will not be stopped. Confess your sins now, release the deep burden you carry inside. Tell your friends and your family what kind of monster you are. Let them know now, before we release this list publicly.”

“This is an outrage. Truly the worst thing to happen to me throughout my entire life,” said an anonymous iTunes user posting online as DemonJohn. “My wife, my kids…my damn parents. This is going to destroy my life worse than when my name was included in the Ashley Madison hack list.”

Apple reports that they have increased their systems to provide better security for users who purchase and listen to tasteless, generic music. Sources inside the company say that fans of other sub-par artists and internet punchlines, including Lil’ Wayne, Skrillex, and Kanye West, are still safe from ridicule and shame.

McDonald’s Gives In To Demands From Employees, Raises Their Wages To $15 Per Hour

Posted on August 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

OAK BROOK, Illinois –

For the last year, employees at major fast food restaurants, including McDonald’s and Burger King, have been protesting for higher wages, claiming that even the lowest paid employee should be making $15 an hour, almost double the Federal Minimum Wage, but closer to what they say is the “livable wage” they need to survive. Today, in an unprecedented showing of gratitude for its employees by a major corporation, McDonald’s has agreed to bump their minimum pay to the $15 USD an hour the workers wanted.

“The McDonald’s corporation would like to formally announce the new pay scale for our employees,” said Donald Thompson, CEO of McDonald’s. “From now on everyone in our restaurants will be paid the livable wage they were looking for.”

Thompson went on to say that the employees had ‘long been looking’ for this pay raise, and that he felt they ‘definitely deserved it.’

“We know that their jobs are really, really hard,” said Thompson. “They have to stand on their feet for sometimes 4 or 5 hours a day, and take orders from customers, flip burgers and throw down fries. They are forced to repeatedly make the same mediocre food over and over again, using almost completely automated cooking appliances. They even go home smelling like oil and grease sometimes. Can you imagine? Gross. It’s hard work they do for us, and that’s why we are changing the pay scales.”

Thompson said that it is not only a pay-raise for many employees, it’s a pay-cap that all of their management and higher-paid employees will have to deal with.

“The $15 an hour we’re merging to, than that is the top that anyone will make. From the janitors on up through the store managers, everyone will make the same $15 dollars an hour, in every one of our restaurants, all through the US.”

One store manager from Colorado, Aaron Silver, was furious over the news.

“I was making $21 an hour as the store manager, after working my way up from a cashier making $8 an hour,” said Silver. “I worked my ass off to get where I am, because I don’t have a great education, and couldn’t afford college. I started working for McD’s when I was a senior in high school, and it took me 7 years to get to management, and I was pretty happy in having made a career out of fast food. Now they’re going to lower my pay to $15, which will be the same as everyone else? What’s the point in even trying to work your way up the ladder if you’re never going to get anything out of it?”

Kenneth LaChance, a restaurant employee from Bangor, Maine, had completely different views on the new pay.

“I’ve only been with McDonald’s for about 6 weeks, but I am only making $8.25 an hour, and that’s just not enough money to live on,” said LaChance, who is a freshman in high school and lives with his parents. “I have to pay for my own cell phone and like, if I want to go to the movies with friends or something. What they’re paying is so low. I’m glad that I’ll be getting $15 an hour now. I deserve to be paid at least that. If not $20 an hour!”

Thompson has said that McDonald’s is standing by their decision, and anyone who doesn’t like it can ‘hit the bricks.’

“Now that we’re paying everyone $15 an hour, if you’re a manager who doesn’t like it, then I’m sure you can find a new job with Burger King,” said Thompson. “We’ll just bump up one of the kids in your store to take your spot. Easy-peasy.”

Thompson, who has been with McDonald’s for 2 years, makes roughly $9 million dollars as CEO. Broken down into a part-time salary of 25 hours, which is what most employees for McDonald’s are scheduled, Thompson makes approximately $7,000 an hour.

World’s Oldest Woman Gives Birth At 119-Years-Old

Posted on August 16, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JAMAICA PLAIN, Massachusetts –

Mrs. Josephine Smith, who officially turned 119-years-old on August 3rd, is the oldest woman in the world. Mrs. Smith, who attributes her longevity to Good ‘N’ Plenty Candy and regular bikini waxes, has something more to celebrate this year than just becoming a world record holder. This year, Mrs. Smith has actually become a dual-world record holder, as just two weeks after her birthday, she has given birth to a healthy baby boy.

“It was definitely the candies that helped me lived this long, but God knows what kept my uterus fertile all these years,” said Mrs. Smith. “It might have been all the pickles I ate in my teen years, or it might have been the fried chicken dinners my late husband made for my every Friday evening, without fail, for 62 years. I’m not really sure. Either way, I am so delighted to have given birth to my new son, Reginald.”

Mrs. Smith, who already has 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 16 great grandchildren, and 4 great-great grandchildren, is still very excited to welcome another bundle of joy into her life.

“I can’t hold him or anything, because of my brittle, arthritic hands, and I’ve already forgotten to feed him a few times because my mind isn’t what it used to be, but it’s very exciting.”

The father, 22-year-old Ricky Tedesco, said he was very excited to be a new dad.

“I’ve been in love with Mrs. Smith ever since I started mowing her lawn when I was 11,” said Tedesco. “It wasn’t until I was 19 that we began a romantic relationship. I went from mowing her lawn to plowing her field, if you know what I mean. She’s excellent in bed, too, given her age. Did you know she once gave a reach-around to Fatty Arbuckle? She’s been around for ages! It’s so crazy to think that she is the mother of my child. I’m so happy.”

The couple will reportedly live separately, as Mrs. Smith currently resides in the Shady Pines Nursing Home in Jamaica Plain, and Tedesco still lives in his family’s basement.