Bernie Sanders Announced Plans To Drop From Race After Loss In New York

Posted on April 21, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Bernie Sanders has announced that he plans to drop from the presidential race after a loss in New York state earlier this week. The news comes as a massive shock to his followers and fans, as the Senator has said that he would “take this fight” to the end.

“I know that we had talked about bringing this fight to the ring, going all rounds, and hopefully coming out on top,” said Sanders on Thursday morning. “The problem is, we are not going to come out on top. This country is not ready for a president of my caliber, and it’s clear the media bias towards Hillary’s campaign is getting the better of us.”

Sanders says that he hopes that his voters will choose wisely when it comes to their voting in the general election.

“When it comes down to the elections later this year, it’s obvious that it will be Clinton and Trump,” said Sanders. “Although neither of these options is good, there is definitely one that is better than the other. Damned if I can tell you which one to vote for though.”

Red Pistachios Making Comeback After Disappearing From Market Decades Ago

Posted on April 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUSTIN, Texas –

Red pistachio nuts were extremely common back in the day, when most pistachios were grown in Iran, and dyed to avoid showing defects and dirt in the nuts to consumers. When pistachios began being grown in the United States, and import levels dropped, new standards made it irrelevant to dye the nuts, as they were easily cleaned as less damaged shipping domestically.

All that is changing, though, as a slew of people began clamoring for red pistachios once more. A petition on change.org was signed by over 2 million people, all of whom were desperately looking for that pistachio nostalgia factor.

“Red pistachios were the best pistachios. They left your hands filthy, red dye and shit all over your hands and clothes,” said Roy Lamar, who claims to ‘absolutely love nuts.’ “Man, there was nothing like them. I signed the petition as soon as I saw it. You can take your regular-colored pistachios and stick up your ass.”

America’s pistachio growers say that they don’t at all care what people do to the nuts after they’re harvested, but they refuse to dye them themselves.

“No way are we going to start dying them again,” said Mike Handle, who has been growing pistachios on his farm for nearly 20 years. “That dye was hazardous, nasty, and it completely changed the flavor of the nut. No thanks.”

A small company in Texas, NutBusters, has said that they will purchase large quantities of the nut, and begin dyeing them red once more. They say they expect to have the red pistachios for sale on their website, nutbusters.com, by the beginning of summer.

Dunking Donuts and Starbucks Plan Company Merger

Posted on April 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Starbucks may be on every single street corner in the country, but America runs on Dunkin. The two companies announced today that a merger, which is estimated to be worth somewhere in the nature of $2 billion, would be taking place over the remaining part of the year.

“It is with great joy that we announce that two of the biggest coffee chains in the country come together under one banner,” said the companies in a joint statement. “We are proud to announce that Dunkin’ Donuts and Starbucks will finally become one family, hereby now known as DunkinBucks.”

The companies say that the combo stores will begin opening sometime in late August, and that you will be able to get both coffees at each location, as well as the same pastries and doughnuts currently sold by each store.

“We didn’t want to take anything away from either brand, we just wanted to focus on a future,” finished the statement, published in The New York Times and Boston Globe, among other papers throughout the country. “This is the future of coffee.”

Bananas Imported From Brazil Found To Contain Spiders [VIDEO]

Posted on April 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARSON CITY, Kansas –

A man recently uploaded a video to YouTube showing a banana that he purchased as his local grocery store, and it’s definitely not a sight for fruit lovers. In the video, the banana bursts open, and a spider is seen leaping out from under the peel.

“It was definitely disturbing, and I’m glad that I didn’t open it and eat it, and that I saw something moving under the peel first,” said Miles Rogers, who filmed the video. “It was disgusting. I just wanted to eat a banana. I ate an apple instead. I could stomach a worm, maybe, but not a spider.”

According to recent reports, spiders have been making their way to the US from Brazil via bags of bananas. Several shoppers throughout the country have reported finding both live and dead spiders inside pre-packaged bags of bananas. Grocery stores are working hard to check fruits, but not every bag is always checked.

“If I were you, I’d buy my bananas fresh, local if it’s even possible, and definitely not in a bag,” said Rogers. “I will probably never eat a banana again. Between spiders and AIDS blood, there’s nothing that makes me want to risk it anymore.”

Johnson & Johnson Announce New Tylenol With THC To Hit Market In Select Cities

Posted on April 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas –

Johnson & Johnson, the makers behind Tylenol pain reliever, announced today their intentions to begin selling their name-brand product with a THC additive. The company says that along with helping in pain relief, the THC also creates a “mild euphoric effect,” which can help patients in chronic pain.

“We’ve been studying the effects of marijuana, and its active ingredient, THC, for many years,” said Johnson & Johnson spokesman Hal Williams. “When combined with acetaminophen, the active ingredient of Tylenol, THC will work wonders in helping patients in long-term, chronic pain, to get some relief.”

Williams says that the company will only be marketing the product in places where medical or recreational marijuana has been made legal, but that they hope that, within a few years, they will be able to sell it openly, over-the-counter, everywhere in the United States.

“America has made leaps and bounds in legalizing marijuana and THC, specifically, but we’re not all the way there yet,” said Williams. “Johnson & Johnson definitely supports the efforts of groups looking to legalize, and we openly support the idea that this plant can be used as a medicine to treat many diseases.”

Massive Earthquake Will Hit Los Angeles Within A Month, Death Toll Will Be Astronomical

Posted on April 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

A massive earthquake is being forecast to hit the greater Los Angeles, California area sometime within the next month, with estimated destruction in the trillions of dollars, and the death toll to be in the millions.

Dr. Ernest Klein, of the Atlanta Valley Research Society, has been tracking the intensity and frequency of earthquakes throughout the country for the better part of 30 years, and he says that the San Andreas fault, which runs throughout most of California, was supposed to have “gone off” decades ago.

“Based on my research, the faults in the Los Angeles area are massively overdo for a rupture,” said Dr. Klein. “The last major quake on the West Coast would have been approximately 1,000 years ago, and those faults are on a 500-750 year cycle. When I calculate for several other factors, such as the human factor, which would not have been prevalent during the original quake, I estimate that this fault will explode with activity by the end of next month.”

Dr. Klein says that he has spoken with the President, as well as many other members of the White House staff and the National Guard, in preparation for what he says will be a magnitude 11 to 12 quake, the worst in the history of time.

“This is something that will happen, and it is not a matter of years or months. We’re talking weeks, and this will destroy life in California, as well as the rest of the country,” said Dr. Klein. “An earthquake of that size will be able to be felt in New York.”

Stores To Begin Requiring Fingerprint Scans Along With EBT Cards To Avoid Fraud

Posted on April 18, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

According to new regulations that will soon take effect, most stores throughout the country will begin taking fingerprint scans of welfare recipients who are buying groceries. This change is being made in all 50 states in hopes that the government can push back against welfare fraud.

“There are many scams that welfare recipients currently utilize to turn their government dollars into actual cash, which they then use to buy alcohol, junk food, and drugs,” said White House representative Mark Raymond. “A new one we recently discovered is that people are buying bottled items in bulk, such as cases of water, and then dumping the water, and redeeming the bottles for the cash. Those people are idiots. Still, though, the most common is to simply pass their card off to someone else, and allow them to shop for groceries in exchange for cash.”

It’s this latter issue that the government is most concerned about, because they say that only certain poor people should be able to eat on their dime, and not all poor people.

“It comes down to drugs. That’s what these miscreants are buying with their traded cash, and we don’t need more drug addicts on welfare,” said Raymond. “These new regulations will require that fingerprint scans be run, and they must match the identity of the person whose name is on the card. This will hopefully stop the fraudulent activities occurring.”

“Man, this shit won’t stop me. I need my 40s, and I need a bump every now and then, and the way I get it each month is by selling my stamps, fifty-cent on the dollar, and then my buddy uses my card to get his groceries for his family. Shit, I ain’t even got a family. He needs it more than me,” said Freddy Carson of New York. “So this be more of a pain in my ass, but now I’m just gonna have my buddy give me a list, and I’ll go shopping for him, then give him the stuff, and he’ll give me the cash. More time out my day, so I’m gonna have to go up to seventy-five cent on the dollar, but his family gonna still get their food, and I’m still gonna be able to smoke crack. Take that, Obama!”

Bill Clinton Hospitalized After Being Attacked By Bernie Sanders Supporters

Posted on April 17, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Former president Bill Clinton was hospitalized today after being attacked on the street by protestors who were rallying in support of Bernie Sanders. According to police, the attack was provoked by comments that Clinton made recently claiming that Sanders supporters wanted to shoot people on Wall Street.

“Former president Bill Clinton was airlifted to a local hospital after being beaten down by a group of Bernie Sanders supporters,” said police chief Walter Richards. “According to bystanders, the group were enraged by comments Clinton made about their tendency to want Wall Street members to be shot and killed.”

Ricky Carson, a Sanders supporter who was arrested in the assault, is facing 20 years in prison for the attack on a former President, but says he would do it all over again if he had to.

“Bernie Sanders is a man of the people, and those people are rallying behind him, in support. I am one of those people. We don’t want anyone dead, and I swear to God, I will beat the ever living shit out of anyone who disagrees with that, or with Bernie,” said Carson.

Police arrested a total of 9 assailants in the attack, and are still seeking 3 more who may have been involved. Ironically, Clinton had allowed his security team the day off so that his wife, Hillary Clinton, could have more security during her time in New York.

Doctors say that Clinton may suffer mild brain damage, but that it’s doubtful anyone would notice.

Woman Dies After Husband Accidentally Crushes Her During Game of Twister

Posted on April 16, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Police have cleared Joel Craig, 32, of any wrongdoing in the death of his wife, Samantha Craig, 29, after she was killed during a “rowdy” game of Twister.

Joel Craig says that when the spinner landed on Left Hand: Blue, he was forced to move into a position that caused him to slip, and all of his 298 pounds came crushing down on the chest of his wife.

“I told her that I didn’t want to move, that I knew I would fall, but my wife was very, very competitive, and she told me the game couldn’t end until one of us had fallen,” said Craig. “I didn’t want to crush her, but she was starting to get angry, and I moved my hand. I fell, and I crushed her ribcage, which punctured her lungs. We’d only been married for six months.”

An investigation into the accident was performed, but police say it was a clear-cut case of accidental death, and no charges would be filed.

Hillary Clinton Calls Bernie Sanders A ‘Fag Lover’ During NY Debate

Posted on April 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

During a heated debate in New York, democratic front-runners Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders had few things to say to each other that were pleasant, with Sanders being voted as the ‘winner’ of the debate in online polls, and Clinton being called the victor by TV talking heads.

What the talking heads seem to ignore, but what the internet is in a firestorm over, is Clinton’s use of a sarcastic, vile slur that was hurled at Sanders when she thought the mics were not on. According to people sitting in the front row of the debate, during a commercial break, Clinton leaned over to Sanders, and whispered that she would never let a “socialist fag-lover” like him win the election.

“If you think that I’m going to let a socialist fag-lover like you win this election, you’re out of your mind,” said Clinton allegedly, according to those in attendance.

Sanders, true to form as a gentleman and the more secure candidate, has refused to comment or confirm that Clinton said anything negative towards him, or used any sort of slur during the debates.

“Hillary Clinton is a fine woman who would make a great leader of this country if she had more experience,” said Sanders. “I am proud to love all people, of all races, creed, color, or orientation. That’s who I am, and that’s what I’m taking to the White House.”