Anonymous Florida Woman Weds Giant Black Dildo

Posted on December 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

A Miami woman is happily married to her fiancee of over 2 years, a giant black dildo that she calls “Ted.”

“Ted and I met after I bought him at a discount sex shop right off the beach a couple years ago,” said the woman, who wishes to remain anonymous. “It was love at first sight. Normally, I’m not attracted to black guys, but with Ted, it was different, and we hit it off immediately.”

The woman says that she and Ted would often go on dates, but mostly spent time alone at home.

“We liked alone time the best,” said the woman. “It’s when Ted and I really got to know each other. He proposed after only about 8 months of dating.”

Florida laws are naturally very lax when it comes to who or what people can marry, because Florida is an extremely odd location filled with extremely odd people.

“I’m just so glad I stopped into the shop that day,” said the woman in an interview with a local Miami newspaper. “I don’t know where’d I’d be today if I hadn’t. Ted fills me up like no man has ever done before; it really and truly is love.”

Obama’s White House Thanksgiving Dinner Reportedly Only Allowed Black Guests, Only White Servers

Posted on December 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

According to reports from the White House, the president’s annual Thanksgiving dinner was serviced entirely but white waiters and waitresses, and invitations were sent only to African-Americans, calling some to cry reverse racism.

“I don’t see the problem here,” said President Obama. “All the wait staff were paid incredible wages. They all got to take home the leftovers. All the guests paid to be here, with all the money going to charity. No one seemed hurt by the fact that it was all my black homies at the dinner being served by a bunch of crackers, lease of all the whiteys themselves.”

Republicans who are critical of Obama say that having such a sordid event in the White House only seemed to further the President’s bad name.

“If he had included a couple Mexicans or something at the dinner, then it might not have been so obvious and so brash,” said white Republican Jon Smith. “But, making the dinner an exclusively black affair and then forcing white people to slave away like that? It’s disgusting.”

For his part, Obama said that it really wasn’t done on purpose, it’s just that white people were the only one cleared to be allowed to work in the White House.

Donald Trump Makes Decision To Leave Republican Party, Run Under Nazi Party

Posted on December 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has reportedly made a switch of parties, but it’s something that most of his supporters say they didn’t see coming: the billionaire mogul has left the Republican party in favor of the New Nazi Party.

“Heil Hitler,” said Trump, greeting a slew of guests and supporters at a rally on Saturday evening with a one-handed salute. “After careful consideration, I have decided that a better party for me would be the Nazi party, and plan to remove myself from the running on the Republican ticket in favor of this new, slightly less inclusive party.”

Trump says that the Republicans seem to have “lost their way” over time, and too many Mexicans, illegals, and even African Americans are ruining the GOP.

“When I was a boy, a Mexican was sight to be afraid of, and a black guy on the street meant trouble,” said Trump. “The republicans, they seem to have forgotten what it means to be a part of the GOP – strict regulation and hating anyone not rich, white, and racist. The New Nazi Party is more my style – less trusting of new ways, and far less trusting of illegals. It’s the way things should be.”

Trump’s supporters say that they really don’t care what party he runs under, because he “speaks his mind,” so idiots that appreciate his candor plan to continue their support.

Muslim Man ‘Extremely Pleased’ That Planned Parenthood Shooter Was White

Posted on December 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALLAS, Texas –

A Muslim man said that he ‘extremely pleased’ that the Planned Parenthood shooter was white, saying that it takes the heat off all Muslims, at least for a second.

“It’s so nice that he was just a crazy-looking white dude, and not a Muslim or extremist,” said Mohammed Kabal. “Normally, something shitty happens, some shooting or something like that, and it’s always a Muslim. Hell, even if it’s not a Muslim, if the guy is even remotely dark skinned, it’s anti-Muslim across the board from everyone in this country.”

Mohammed says that he hopes that, as there are more inevitable terrorist attacks throughout the world, that the perpetrators are white guys like the Planned Parenthood shooter.

“All those terrorists in Paris, they were European nationals, and most of them, if not all, were white,” said Mohammed. “It changed the game for us Muslims.”

Mother Shocked To Find Child’s Pillow Pet Stuffed With Heroin

Posted on December 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

A Cleveland mother, Sandy Cofax, said she was shocked to discover that her son’s prized toy, a stuffed animal that he lovingly calls Pillow Bear, was stuffed with over 2 pounds of heroin. The manufacturer, Pillow Pets, says that they definitely do not stuff their products with street drugs.

“I couldn’t believe it even when I saw it,” said Cofax. “I noticed Pillow Bear had a rip in him, and so I figured I’d stitch him up. But, he was getting a little limp, so I thought I’d throw some more stuffing in him as well. That’s when I got the shock of my life.”

Cofax says she immediately called the local police, as well as the Pillow Pets company.

“We have determined, in working with local police, that the pillow in question was not purchased new, and as such, we cannot control what others may have put inside our pets,” said company spokesman Stephen Slothe. “We have many, many children who go to sleep cuddling their Pillow Pets every night, and we can honestly say that less than 1% of them are probably stuffed with hard drugs.”

Police say that they have confiscated the drugs and Pillow Bear, but that they plan to return the animal once the investigation has concluded.

Mars Rover Sends Back Images Of What Appears To Be Man Walking Through Dunes

Posted on November 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida –

The Mars rover has reportedly uploaded pictures to the NASA servers from Mars that show a man walking in the distance behind a line of sand dunes. The internet has become abuzz with the photo, which they say is more indisputable proof of life on the planet.

“That is definitely, 100%, a living, walking, sentient being right there,” said internet sleuth and conspiracy theorist Joe Goldsmith. “You can easily tell that this isn’t Photoshopped, because for one, it came directly from NASA, and two, who would want to Photoshop a picture like this trying to prove life on another planet? Is that something people would do? Of course not. I’ve seen plenty of ‘shops in my day, and this is definitely not Photoshopped.”

NASA scientists are still working to uncover the mystery behind the ‘Walking Man,’ as they’re calling it, but so far, they have yet to come up with any solid ideas.

“It’s not entirely out of the realm of possibilty that it could be some sort of being, but it would be odd that this is the first walking, upright, man-like being that we’ve seen since the Rover has been on Mars,” said NASA scientist Dr. Richard Lewis. “I have no idea if this is a man, or Martian, as it were. It’s probably just another case of pareidolia.”

Pareidolia is the condition found in all humans that makes our brains apply known-items to abstract shapes, such as being able to see certain figures in clouds, or faces in random designs.

“We are hoping, very much, that this is some sort of life. That is the whole reason we went to Mars,” said Lewis. “We are trying to move the Rover closer to the area, to begin looking for clues such as footprints or other signs of life, but it is a time-consuming process, to be sure.”

Shocking: Patti LaBelle Sweet Potato Pies Reportedly Made With Blood of Unborn Fetuses

Posted on November 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas –

The new rage at Wal-Mart in the last several weeks has been singer Patti LaBelle’s Sweet Potato Pies, reportedly made from a recipe from LaBelle’s own kitchen. In a shocking discovery, though, it seems that some of the “natural ingredients” that are listed on the package include the blood of unborn or discarded fetuses.

“Frankly, we are shocked to learn that Patti LaBelle Sweet Potato Pies contain the blood of the innocent as part of the natural ingredients,” said Wal-Mart food supervisor Joe Goldsmith. “When Miss LaBelle approached us to sell her pies in our stores, we were definitely eager, as they are delicious, but we would have never consented had we known, fully, what they contained.”

LaBelle, for her part, seems to be unconcerned with the development, and says she has “no idea” why folks are getting so upset.

“I’ve been making my pies the same way for nearly 40 years, and it has always included a little fetal blood when I bake it,” said LaBelle. “It helps to give it a little extra kick, and makes the pie come out a nice, golden brown, with just some hints of reds and oranges in there. It’s an additive, not a main ingredient.”

Regardless of the ingredients, people are still flocking to their local Wal-Mart stores to purchase the pies, although most are still finding them out of stock.

“I’ve only been able to get my hands on one pie in the last 2 months since they became a hot commodity, and I had to pay 3 times the normal amount to a guy who was carrying one out of the store,” said sweet potato fan Mark Jones. “I honestly don’t care that they contain fetal blood – have you tried these damn things? They’re addicting as hell!

The FDA says that the “trace amounts” of discarded fetal blood that is in the pies is not enough to trigger a recall, and that the pies are approved for continued sale.

Half-Man, Half-Goat Creature Caught On Camera By Hunter In Kentucky

Posted on November 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOUSIVILLE, Kentucky –

A hunter in Kentucky has reportedly captured the first picture of Goatman, a half-man, half-goat hybrid that was, until recently, thought to just be an urban legend. Many sightings have taken place in the last several weeks, with people reportedly seeing Goatman in Kentucky, Texas, and even Connecticut.

“I was walking through the woods behind my house, and I saw what I thought, at first, was a deer,” said aptly-named hunter Mark Hunter. “I was about to take aim, but he sort of ‘baah’d’ at me a bit, and then he stood up, and it was a stark-naked man with a long neck and a goat head. I was in shock. Thankfully I was wearing my GoPro, and I got the whole thing on camera.”

Hunter says that he assumed, initially, when reviewing the footage that it might be a man wearing some sort of severed goat head as a mask, but as he researched the Goatman, he became more and more convinced that it was real.

“Don’t take me for a fool – I don’t believe in Big Foot or Nessie or any of that jazz,” said Hunter. “But I tell you what I saw, and what I saw, and what I got on film, was a half-man, half-goat. This wasn’t a prank or a costume. This was real.”

Experts are reportedly researching Hunter’s footage to determine its authenticity.

World’s Oldest Prostitute Makes Plans To Retire At Age 86

Posted on November 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Molly Suxcawk has been performing her namesake as a professional prostitute since 1943 in beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada, but she says what was once a calling has become more of a chore.

“I choked down my first belly full of sperm at the ripe ol’ age of 14, and I never looked back,” said Suxcawk. “I’ve been out here in Vegas, enjoying my job for the better part of 70 years, but this has definitely become a young woman’s game, and it’s time I bow out, as it were. You can only take so much before an ol’ fashioned feels less like helping a guy out and more like your arm might fall off.”

Suxcawk was recognized by Guinness as the World’s Oldest Prostitute in 2007 when she was just about 79 years old.

“There aren’t too many women like me still in the game,” said Suxcawk. “Many of them got out of it in the 80s when AIDs was becoming prevalent. A lot of them died of things like syphilis or The Black Plague, but I’ve powered through, and I’ve been doing pretty good.”

Suxcawk estimates than in her time as a professional whore, she’s had sex with more than 45,000 men.

“Sure, that seems like a lot, but I did make a handful of them wear rubbers, so it was mostly safe,” said Suxcawk, smoking a cigarette and hacking up green phlegm. “I think I’m in pretty good shape for a woman of my age, but I tell you, I throw out my back nearly every time I have to put my legs behind my head, and I’m so stopped up, I can’t even drop out a Cleveland steamer on a guy’s chest anymore. Of course, at my age, I don’t have any problems with giving golden showers, that’s for sure. I think I dribbled a few drops just sitting here talking to you.”

Suxcawk says she will retire at the end of the year, and plans to finish high school.

Man Who Was Born With Hand Coming Out of Foot Can’t Decide Which To Keep

Posted on November 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

A Denver man, Joe Goldsmith, 30, is stuck at a crossroads of a major decision. Goldsmith was born with a hand coming out of his leg just above his foot, and doctors are saying that having both is causing severe issues with nerves in the area, and he has to choose which to keep.

“Honestly, most people have been telling me to keep the foot, which seems like the obvious choice,” said Goldsmith. “Problem is, if I had a hand down there instead, think of how many more things I could do super easily. Rock climbing, for example. I’d have way better grip. Or say I drop something and don’t want to bend over? It would be way easier having fingers down there.”

Doctors say that they are leaving the choice entirely up to Goldsmith, and that they will abide by whichever choice he makes.

“No skin off my ass if he wants a hand where his foot should be,” said surgeon Richard Kimball. “All I know is I wish he’d hurry up and decide. I have a tee-off at 5pm, and I don’t want to miss it.”