‘Gone With The Wind’ Remake To Star Reese Witherspoon as Scarlett, Matthew McConaughey as Rhett

HOLLYWOOD, California – ‘Gone With The Wind’ Remake To Star Reese Witherspoon as Scarlett, Matthew McConaughey as Rhett

Harvey Weinstein, co-Chairman of The Weinstein Company, announced today that a remake of the classic southern motion picture epic, Gone With The Wind, will have its worldwide premiere on March 1, 2015.

Reese Witherspoon fills the formidable window curtain hoop skirt once worn by actress Vivien Leigh, and  Matthew McConaughey recreates the role forever identified with Hollywood legend Clark Gable.

One of the most influential films of the 20th century, 1939’s Gone With The Wind has always been considered untouchable in terms of ever being remade.

“It’s a God-awful idea,” said Robert Osborne, film historian and prime-time host of Turner Classic Movies.  “Very rarely can you remake a classic in the league of Gone With The Wind and expect it to perform well at the box office.  If it does, I’ll be just as surprised as everyone else.  With all due respect to the actors, when I first heard about this, I laughed.”

Co-starring with Witherspoon and McConaughey are Swoosie Kurtz as “Melanie Hamilton,” Jude Law as “Ashley Wilkes,” Oprah Winfrey as “Mammy,” Dolly Parton as brothel owner “Belle Watling,” and Chris Rock as “Pork,” one of the many featured slaves on the Tara plantation. Tyler Perry, originally hired to portray “Mammy” in full drag, per his Madea character that stars in several films, withdrew from the project last year due to physical exhaustion.

In a bit of non-traditional casting, Jennifer Tilly portrays the simple-minded “Prissy,” and Queen Latifah adds to her impressive acting resumé with her role as “Aunt Pittypat.”

When asked for her reaction, 98-year-old Olivia de Havilland, the only surviving cast member from the 1939 film said, “You’ve got to be kidding!”  Swoosie Kurtz to portray me?  – I mean to portray ‘Melanie?’  I just don’t see it — nor shall I!” she huffed.

Bob Weinstein, the other half of The Weinstein Company, expressed optimism about the new project.  “Hitchcock remade his own 1934 version of The Man Who Knew Too Much in 1956, and the second movie was vastly better than his original.  That’s just one example of ‘doing it right.’”  That’s what we do here, we do it right.  I guarantee this film will surprise all the nay-sayers and it’s going to be great,” he added.

As always, audiences and critics will ultimately decide the success or failure of what is fast becoming the hot topic of conversation throughout the motion picture industry.

20th Century Fox Announces Plan To Exclusively Produce Sequels, Remakes Starting in 2015

HOLLYWOOD, California – 20th Century Fox Announces Plan To Exclusively Produce Sequels and Remakes From Now On

When The Writers Guild of America went on strike in 2007, television producers were left without writers.  Producers came up with a work-around – churning out shows without writers.  “Reality Television” was born.

20th Century Fox is now adapting the same idea to movie production.  The studio announced that starting in 2015, they will be focusing exclusively on projects requiring little to no creativity whatsoever.

“It’s just going to be remakes and maybe one sequel a year – if we have the time to quickly assemble one,” announced Tom Rothman, CEO of 20th Century Fox. “We’ll be able to produce more pictures twice as fast.  We had to figure a way to keep up with the incredible hunger for more and more movies.  We’re living in an ‘on-demand’ world, so we’ve hired Quentin Tarantino as our new Director of Creative Redevelopment, and we’re just as excited as he is!”

Tarantino joined Rothman for the announcement at the studio’s Century City headquarters, and outlined his plan.

“The public wants new faces!  That’s why I do ‘homages!’  That’s French for imitations!” Said Tarantino. “That’s what homages are!  They’re scenes we’ve seen already, from films we’ve seen before!  I honor those directors, sometimes shot-for-shot!  But I cast new faces! I’m on board with this!!”

Not on board with the idea, though, is director Martin Scorsese, one of several directors idolized by Tarantino.  “This may well be the end of 20th Century Fox,” said Scorsese, producer/director of such blockbusters as Goodfellas, The Last Temptation of Christ, and ironically, the 1991 remake of the 1962 film, Cape Fear. “I started out independent,” said Scorsese.  “That’s what Fox should be doing instead of this ‘quantity over quality’ business.  It sounds like a disaster of titanic proportions.  Actually,” added Scorsese, “Titanic was a pretty good remake, … but you get my point.”

Currently, Scorsese is in pre-production for a biopic of the late great ‘saloon’ singer Frank Sinatra.  Dylan Farrow, MSNBC daytime news host and son of actress Mia Farrow, reportedly was approached to portray Sinatra, affectionately known as “Old Blue Eyes.”  Dylan Farrow is rumored to be the biological son of Sinatra, a subject Scorsese was not willing to comment upon.

“We haven’t started casting yet.  There are millions of things to set up before we think about who we cast as ‘Young Blue Eyes,’” he said.

Tarantino detailed his upcoming plan of action:

“I’m looking forward to casting new faces in old movies, or old faces in new movies!  Hey – maybe the old faces can homage themselves in the remakes if they’re still around!”  Or maybe not!  I haven’t decided yet!”

“As soon as we wrap up our current projects,” said Rothman, our new production system will go into effect.  I literally cannot wait.”

20th Century Fox says that their plans for 2015 include production on remakes of Glitter and Big Mama’s House, as well as a sequel to the Tom Green film Freddy Got Fingered. 

Family Sues Fortune Cookie Manufacturer After Finding Filthy Fortunes

CARMEL, New York – Family Sues Fortune Cookie Manufacturer After Finding Filthy Fortunes

A fun family trip quickly turned into a nasty nightmare for the Bryant family of upstate Carmel, New York, after several lewd “novelty” fortune cookies were mistakenly placed on their table.

Joy and Matt Bryant planned a day of fun for Joy’s parents, Eloise and Earl, and for their 6-year-old daughter, Angela.

“It was Mum and Dad’s anniversary.  They really wanted to visit the Guggenheim [Museum].  Mom studied art way back when, and said she practically used to live there.”

“So this man was handing out restaurant coupons,” said Earl.  “It was for a Chinese place, and you really can’t get halfway decent Chinese up by us, so I took one.  We go down the street and the place looked nice, so in we went!”

“The food and the service were good,” he added.

“I had the orange chicken!” said Angela.  “And then I needed another fortune cookie because I dropped my fortune cookie on the floor.  It said ‘You will have a surprise very soon.’”

The fortune proved to be chillingly accurate.

Waiter Eddie Tan explained what happened next.

“The girl was upset because she dropped her cookie, so I go back and grab a handful and put them on her plate, and she was very happy.  I go back to the kitchen and the mother screams and the father yells ‘Where’s the boss?  Where’s the boss?’”

Tan had mistakenly taken a handful of “adult” novelty fortunes meant only for the staff to see.  The smutty fortunes were brought in earlier as a ‘gag’ gift to celebrate a co-worker’s birthday.

Joy explained, “My 6-year-old turns to me and asks, ‘Mommy, what’s a r–job?  It says ‘Tonight you will get a r–job.’  Well, I screamed out loud and my husband told my daughter never to say that word again.  Then we read the rest of them.”

“The next one said, ‘You will eat some p—- tonight,’” she continued.  “And the one after that said ‘You need to get a rusty trombone.’ I was horrified!  At church we got a pamphlet with every dirty word you can think of to teach your children not to say – that’s how I knew what every word meant,” she quickly explained.

Joy’s father didn’t understand what all the fuss was about.

“Matt was getting the manager,” said Earl, “so I took a look at the other ones and they sounded okay to me.  I don’t know what an ‘Angry Dragon’ is, but I figured it was something about the Chinese New Year.  I know what a ‘piledriver’ is because I used to do that all the time with my guys.”  Earl is a retired telephone company foreman.

“Another one said ‘Do you like hobknocking?’ Maybe I do.  Beats me.  The last one I read said ‘Give me a blumpkin!’ That sounded like a fancy dessert, and since we only got the orange slices and fortune cookies, I really wanted to get a blumpkin!  Then the waiter took them away.”

“I raised Holy Hell!” Said Matt. “The waiter explained what happened and said they wouldn’t charge us for lunch, like that was going to make everything all right!  I told him I was going to sue them and the fortune cookie company for emotional distress.  Joy still cries about how they ruined her parents’ anniversary.  She was crying and we never even made it to the museum!  We were so upset, we let Angela go stay with her grandparents for a few days. We both just stayed at home…In bed. Er, reading our Bibles. Yeah, our Bibles. That’s it.”

The case of Bryant v. Hung’s is expected to be settled out of court.

Garage Mechanic Charged With Battery

NORTH AURORA, Illinois – Garage Mechanic Charged With Battery

Garrett Nelson should be at work at Bates Auto Body in North Aurora, Illinois, but instead, he’s in a holding cell with bruised knuckles and a sprained ankle.

Aurora Beacon-News’ local crime reporter, Peter Lazenby, discovered the 38-year-old Nelson sitting by himself in the holding cell, and decided to strike up a conversation.

“It was obvious he had gotten into a fight,” said Lazenby.  “He was pretty bruised up.  I told him I was a reporter and he said he knew my name because he reads my ‘Pete’s Beat’ police blotter column.  Our talk turned into an interview, so I ended up doing a human-interest story on him.  Turns out this guy really has led an interesting life.  Also the fact that a mechanic was charged with battery – I mean the thing practically wrote itself!”

Lazenby shared a section of the conversation with Empire News.

Peter Lazenby:  Do you mind if I ask what happened?

Garrett Nelson:  I took a swing at a guy who was trying to tell me how to do my job.

PL:  Where do you work?

GN: Bates Auto Body on River Road.

PL:  How did the fight start?

GN:  I promised to have this guy’s car finished by 3:00, but things got backed up since a school bus packed full of singing nuns broke down right in front of the shop.  I spent about 2 hours fixing them up, so then the guy comes back and asks me how come his car isn’t ready.

PL:  Did you tell him about the singing nuns?

GN:  Yeah, but he said it wasn’t his problem.  He was this suit-and-tie guy, on his phone the whole time, kinda rude.  Then he says he had a cousin who’s a mechanic and I was working too slow.

PL:  Why didn’t the guy just go to his cousin?

GN:  That’s what I asked him and it kind of ticked him off.  I told him we had a waiting room, but he said he’d rather ‘keep an eye on me out here.’  That’s just how he said it:  ‘keep an eye on me.’  Well, that really frosted my ass.  What did he think was I gonna do?  Take a dump in his car or something?  So he keeps on staring, and the next thing I know, I’m swinging at him; he’s swinging at me — he calls the police, but guess who gets stuck in here — me!”

Barrett was charged with simple battery and was confident he would be released soon.

“One customer who comes in to my shop all the time with his hybrid, he’s a lawyer, so I called him up,” said Barrett.  He brings his car in at least once a month.  God, those hybrids are crap on 4 wheels!  Anyway, I heard him say something about ‘dropping the charges,’ so I think I’ll be out of here soon.  The guy who I took a poke at left about a half hour ago.”

Barrett was released an hour later in a better mood than when he arrived.

“Hey, am I gonna be famous?” he joked, limping out of the police station.  “I never thought I’d be reading about me like this!  I might turn into a big-time celebrity!”

“Careful what you wish for!” answered Lazenby.

Lazenby’s full article will appear in this Sunday’s Beacon-News as a special feature to ‘Pete’s Beat.’

Novelty Parakeet Maker Sued After Cat Ingests Realistic Plastic Toy

FAIRFIELD, New Jersey – Novelty Parakeet Maker Sued After Cat Ingests Realistic Plastic Toy

Have you seen the commercial for the ‘perfect’ pet?  It’s not a dog, it’s not a goldfish – it’s not even living!  It’s ‘Pretty Much Polly,’ the plastic parakeet that can ‘provide hours of fun, just like the real thing!’

Polly’s colors are vibrant.  From a distance, you’d never be able to tell the difference between an actual bird and a mass-produced extruded glob of spray-painted plastic, popped out of a mold in far away China, shipped to America to satisfy the gaping maws of hungry toy consumers, begging for the latest electronic plaything.

Even cats want to get their paws on Polly.  Sadly, one curious kitten did just that, and Pretty Much Polly turned out not to be the perfect Polly toy for the small kitty.

TeleToy Corporation INC., distributor of Pretty Much Polly, has been named as defendant in a lawsuit filed by Edna Wannamaacher on behalf of Mittens Wannamaacher.  Lawyers and insiders are saying that the case, Mittens Wannamaacher v. TeleToy INC., could be a game-changer.

“Mittens was my newest best friend,” said self-described “cat lady” Edna Wannamaacher during the trial.  “He followed me everywhere.  One day, I was pouring foundation for that new development over by Harbor Road and Mittens kind of adopted me.  Next thing I knew, he was my newest roommate!  He followed me home.  I don’t know what he saw in me, but I guess he knew he’d feel at home.”

“Cats are inherently curious, we all know that,” said Allison Sandy, counsel for TeleToy, “and in this case, Mittens’ curiosity indeed did kill her, just as the biblical parable says. ‘Polly Wannamaacher’, as she called the toy, and TeleToys, should in no way be held liable for the unfortunate accident that took place.  We are not responsible for any damages.”

“Objection, your honor,” shouted Edna’s nephew, Dewey Wannamaacher, during closing arguments.  When Dewey was reminded that he was not an attorney and that closing arguments can not be interrupted, he begged for the court’s mercy, asking that his statement be heard and entered into the record.  The request was granted over Sandy’s objections.

“My aunt is not a crazy cat lady.  She does not train her cats to use the toilet like some nuts. In fact, she has opted herself to just use clumping litter along with her friends instead.  A lot of  slanderous things have been said about her in court today.  Yes, she once took a selfie for Cat Fancy magazine, showing her eating from a bowl of Meow Mix with a slew of cats, but it was just for fun. Sadly, that photograph has now come to haunt our family nine-times over.  It’s on the Internet, and…well, people can be so cruel. By my aunt is a wonderful person, and this case should not be about her life, but rather the life, and death, of Mittens Wannamaacher.”

“Millions of toy makers and yarn manufacturers could face loss of livelihoods,” countered Sandy.  “Even the entire string industry could be wiped out over a case like this. Is that fair?  I think not.  We all love cats, yes, but also — members of the jury — I implore you — also think of the sheep. There’s more at stake here than just the future of one toy line. It’s the future of the entire cat industry! This could set a precedent that could potentially wipe out laser pointers and catnip manufacturers as well.”

“Oh, I’d hate to put people out of work,” said Edna, as the jury deliberated for a second day.  “A lot of my friends work with toys and string.  But what about Mittens?  Who is going to speak for her?  She was just following her natural instincts and look where she ended up?  Dead and under the recliner, that’s where.  Mittens would have been better off left in that construction lot, looking back on it.”

Unofficial reports have surfaced hinting that the jury may be deadlocked.

“I took a good look at the jury, said Wannamaacher.  “I think half of them are dog people, and the other half are cat people. I hope we win. For the love of Mittens, I hope we win.”

Hoveround Designs Mobility Skateboard For Active Seniors

SARASOTA, Florida – Hoveround Designs Mobility Skateboard For Active Seniors

Hoveround, manufacturer of best-selling power chairs and scooters, announced today a brand new family of mobility devices aimed at the more active, sports-minded consumer.

The ‘Skate-A-Round’ product line was unveiled at the 10th Annual Mobility Product Showcase held at Sarasota’s Municipal Auditorium.

“Our customers have come to rely on the dependability, safety and convenience of our scooters and wheelchairs,” said Boyd Miller, Hoveround Mobility Specialist.  “More and more seniors are living longer and leading more active lives, and we received a few feisty letters and emails asking us for more exciting products.”

71-year-old Preston Jacobs attended the mobility showcase and eagerly volunteered to demonstrate the new Skate-A-Round.  “It’s great!” said the retired tennis instructor.  “I was what you call an all-around athlete.  I played tennis, I swam, I enjoyed skateboarding and baseball — I once pitched a no-hitter in a celebrity all-star game for charity.  I struck out Hank Aaron!  He ran over and shook my hand.  He sends me a Christmas card every year!  Extraordinary guy!”

Jacobs demonstrated the electrically powered skateboard for the convention’s visitors.  “First, you gotta snap down these 2 training wheel brackets on each side by stepping on this bar.  Then you grab onto the handle where the activity lever is.  You lean back on the seat, push the ‘up’ handle to go forward, and the ‘down’ handle to go back.  It’s like being a kid again,” he said, as he sped from one product booth to another.

Another mobility product manufactured under the Skate-A-Round brand is the ‘Hipster,’ a wraparound device powered by 4 in-line skates attached to a specially modified walker.

“The Hipster is designed for the active senior who wants to feel a bit more stable,” explained Miller.  “The belted waistband wraps and snaps around the lower body like a girdle, so there’s no fear of losing your balance, and possibly breaking a hip.  Active seniors can still enjoy the full skateboard experience without the anxiety.”

“We’re excited to offer new options for our more active customers,” said Miller.  Look at the crowd around our booth!  This looks like another top-selling line for us!”

“I’ll be right back,” said Miller, rushing off.  “I lost track of Mr. Jacobs.  The last time I saw him he was doing a tailstop in front of The ‘Little Rascal’ scooter booth.  They’re our largest competitor.  I don’t want them studying our product too closely!”

KKK Wizard Tries Using Klan Membership Card To Get Bleach Discount At Grocery Store

LEOMA, Tennessee – KKK Wizard Tries Using Membership Card To Get Bleach Discount At Grocery Store

Imperial Wizard William Sanders, of the Tennessee Chapter of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan, attempted use his Klan membership card in order to receive a discount at a local grocery chain for a large order of bleach he was purchasing for his local chapter’s use.

“He came up to the counter with a shopping cart all filled up with bleach bottles,” recalls cashier Trelaine Mumford, “and he asked me if I could give him a discount since he was buying so many.”

The store was running a “buy one, get one free” special with a limit of 1 offer per person, explained Mumford.  “The manager set that up, and I couldn’t go against the policy. He [Sanders] handed me a card and I thought at first he was showing me his bonus points savings card, but it was a membership card to the Klan instead.  He asked me if it would work to get a discount for the bleach, and that’s when I had to go ask the manager.”

“I talked to the store manager who I knew from around town, but he’s not part of our Klavern,” said Sanders.  A “Klavern” in KKK terminology, is a local branch or meeting place for members of the controversial organization, classified as a hate group by the Anti-Defamation League and the Southern Poverty Law Center.

“He denied me the discount,” Sanders said, “and right then and there I felt discriminated against.  My rights were violated as a pure American customer and public citizen.”

“We have to look our best,” continued Sanders.  “Our whites have to look bright.  The economy’s real bad around here these days, so I try to save money everywhere I can, just like everybody else does.  I don’t think it’s fair to deny something to one group just because you don’t think the same way they do,” he added.

Six-Year Old Steps On Crack, Breaks Mother’s Back

SALINA, Kansas – Six-Year Old Steps On Crack, Breaks Mother’s Back

First-grader Timothy Barton enjoys things that typical youngsters enjoy — playing with action figures, spending time with his older brother Tucker, and running around the house.  When asked to name his favorite food, he enthusiastically replies “pizza!”

“He loves jumping,” says the six-year-old’s mother, Judy.  He jumps on everything.”  Barton, the mother of two young sons, is now confined to a hospital bed, recuperating from a spinal fracture suffered as a result of Timothy’s high-spiritedness.  “He’s very energetic.”

Judy was practicing yoga when Timothy, just up from an afternoon nap, dashed from his bedroom to the kitchen for a snack.  “I was on the living room floor and he ran right over my butt, and I heard a ‘pop.’  I knew something was wrong.  I crawled to the phone and called 911.”

While Timothy was enjoying his snack, unaware that he had seriously injured his mother, EMT crews worked to stabilize Judy, who complained of dizziness and numbness in her legs and feet.

“She was going into shock,” said Midge Wood, emergency responder first to arrive on the scene.  “I kept telling her to breathe. I kept telling her to stay alert. She did pretty well, considering.”

Fortunately for Judy, doctors say her back injury will not result in permanent damage.

“She got lucky,” said Dr. Heather Hammond, of the Salina Regional Health Center.  “We took a series of x-rays, and did an MRI scan which revealed no permanent damage.  She dislocated the LI vertebra in her lower back.  There may be some temporary nerve damage and she’s going to need rest, and then physical therapy, but we’re confident she’ll be back on her feet very soon.”

Barton’s architect husband, Scott, rushed to his wife’s bedside upon hearing the news.  “Judy called me and told me she was at the hospital and immediately I thought Timmy or our other son Tucker had hurt himself or banged his head or something.  I didn’t expect this.  He’s at that age you know, where he bangs into everything, he jumps off the bed pretending to be Superman, knocks things over – you know how kids are.”

“Mommy’s going to be in the hospital,” said Timothy.  “Daddy’s going to stay home to take care of me and Tucker so Mommy can get better again and come home later.  I got sad when she had to go to the hospital.”

“It’s just one of those things,” said Judy, as Timothy and brother Tucker jumped on the empty bed on the opposite side of the room.  I’m pretty tough and I’ll bounce back from this like everything else,” she added.  “Timmy-boy feels pretty bad, but I told him Mommy’s going to be all right, it was just an accident.  The staff here has been super.  They brought Timmy some pizza and gave the boys some hospital gowns and masks to wear, so we’ll be all right.”

Congress Proposes Ban On Out-of-Country Destination Weddings

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Congress Proposes Ban On Out-of-Country Destination Weddings

Amid controversy and facing the lowest approval rating in history, members of the U.S. Congress begrudgingly cut short their summer recess and returned to Washington one week early, in order to pass a number of emergency measures.

“The growing conflict in the Middle East, and our own economic crisis closer to home mean that we all have to make sacrifices,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner, appearing paler than usual.  “My golf vacation was cut short, so I spent less time in the sun,” he said.  “That was my sacrifice.  The President still has not managed to pull us out of the deepest recession we’ve ever faced, no matter how many bills he sends down to us that we refuse to act upon.”

One proposed economy-saving measure causing a great deal of uproar is H.R. 7643, The Defense of Domestic Marriage Destination Act, introduced the day after Labor Day.  The bill prohibits destination weddings that take place outside the borders of the United States and its territories in an effort to keep revenue from enriching other countries.

“We’re losing billions of dollars each year because self-centered newlyweds, mostly liberals, refuse to keep American money inside America,” said Rep. Steve King, Republican from Iowa’s 4th District.  Airplanes, hotels, food – all of this capital is being outsourced to foreign countries, and these are just ‘tip-of-the-iceberg’ issues,” he added.  “That’s why I came back early from my vacation trip to Spain.”

In 2013, the U.S. wedding industry generated $51 billion in revenue, according to the financial journal Revenue Tracker.

According to Brides Magazine, wedding photographers, lawn chair manufacturers, spray tan technicians, gown designers, shoe dyers, and ring bearer/flower girl trainers are just some of the 800,000 professionals employed by the domestic wedding industry each year.

Brides’ executive editor Connie Nast says, “This is not the right way to go about fixing the economy.  If I were a bride today, forced with the prospect of keeping my marriage domestic,” says Nast, “I would be absolutely livid with rage.  The government has no right to put restrictions on where and when married couples should have the most stressful and happiest day of their lives.  I was married in London, and it was magnificent.”

New York City bride-to-be Tara Faulkner had this to say, while at her final fitting at Brooklyn’s famous Kleinfeld Bridal.  “Nobody, not nobody, and that includes the President, or even the executive director of Congress or whatever she calls herself – Pelosi, Mary Pelosi I think is her name – well, she’s not going to tell me what to do.  I’m a U.S. citizen of America and if I choose to take my money out of my country, then that’s nobody’s damn business but my own!”

“It’s going to be a rough ride,” said Boehner, as he conferred with aides on plans and strategies for the upcoming last session of the 113th Congress.

Boehner will be meeting with members of Washington’s powerful bridal lobby later in the week.  “Yup,” the Speaker sighed, “vacation’s over.”

Funnel Cake Stand Survives Category F4 Tornado

NORFOLK, Nebraska – Funnel Cake Stand Survives Category F4 Tornado

Ask anyone within 50 miles of Norfolk, Nebraska where to go for the best funnel cake in town and you’ll hear the same answer:  “Go to Meemaw Jane’s.  Her funnel cake is out of this world!”

Sadly, never a truer word was spoken, as mourners gathered at the former site of Meemaw Jane’s cake stand, the only structure left intact after a massive F4 tornado destroyed the town’s landscape, wiping out an entire community in an instant.

“It happened so fast,” said ‘Meemaw’s’ daughter, Barbara Treen.  One minute it was bright and sunny, then all of a sudden, the clouds moved in, and just like all the people say on The Weather Channel, it sounded like a freight train right on top of the house — hailstones as big as my shoe, thunder and lightning.  That’s the last thing I remember.”

“Meemaw Jane Treen’s funnel cakes sent more of this town’s young people to college than I can count on both hands,” said Norfolk Mayor Sue Fuchtman, as she placed a bouquet of flowers in the stainless steel fry cooker beside the Formica counter where Meemaw once proudly served.  “Meemaw Jane donated so much of her proceeds to an educational fund for children wishing to study fairground culinary arts.”

“She hung on until the last customer got their cake,” recalled daughter Barbara.  I started to pack up because the sky was getting dark.  I told her ‘Turn off the oil and close up Meemaw,’ but she wouldn’t do it.  There were still 2 customers waiting and she never let a customer go home empty handed. That’s the last thing I heard her say:  ‘I never let a customer go home empty handed.’  And then, up she went.”

The tornado swept through town with less than a moment’s warning.

“Next thing I knew,” said Barbara, “I woke up in the parking lot under a pile of debris.  I kept screaming ‘Where’s Meemaw?  Where’s Meemaw’ but no one answered me.  I knew she was gone.”

Meemaw Jane embodied the American success story.  Originally from Denmark, Treen arrived in America with only a recipe, a dream, and fifty cents to her name.  She settled in this small Nebraska town, set up shop, and became a local legend.

“Meemaw Jane’s legacy will live on for generations,” said Mayor Fuchtman.  “Many of us took her classes – cotton candy making, toffee apple wrapping, meat on a stick – she was an inspiration to us all and we thank her for her service.  Do you remember when the Food Network people came out to interview her just three short years ago?” asked the mayor.  “I certainly do!  That put us on the map and it’s just so sad.”

Meemaw’s bruised and battered remains were located 30 yards from her cake stand, flung atop an upturned recycling bin – her twisted and curled frame ironically resembling the shape of the thousands of funnel cakes she so tenderly prepared.  The whereabouts of her last 2 customers are unknown.

“I didn’t even recognize her.  Then I saw the apron,” said her daughter, through tears.  “She was all coiled up with powdered sugar in her hair, just like an angel.  She had a sweet little smile on her face.  I covered her with the apron ‘til until the ambulance came.  I bought her that silly apron and she just laughed and laughed,” said Treen, sobbing uncontrollably.  “She wore it all the time.  All the time.”

“We will rebuild,” said Mayor Fuchtman, and this funnel cake stand will be the new center of town!  This spot shall be known from this day forward as The Meemaw Jane Memorial Cake Square,” she declared, her voice drowned out over the cheers and applause of the crowd.  “We owe it to her!  She will be missed!”

Treen vows to carry on the tradition that her mother began nearly 50 years ago.  Addressing the crowd she said:  “We’re going to get back out there and do what Meemaw would want us to do!”  I promise you, the minute I get this back brace off, I’m going to stand tall, fire up some oil and get to frying!”

A makeshift flag pole was erected, Meemaw’s apron attached by its strings, flying at half-mast and waving in the gentle breeze — its message easing the pain felt by many.  “Life Is Short – Eat Dessert First” it proudly proclaims, a fitting tribute to a town’s unforgettable and much loved Danish heroine.

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