Insurance Policy Canceled for Progressive Insurance Actress ‘Flo’

Posted on September 5, 2014 by DvanL

HOLLYWOOD, California –

“It was a simple oversight,” explains actress and comedian Stephanie Courtney, known to millions as the quirky Progressive Insurance spokesperson ‘Flo.’”

The actress’ insurance policy, covered under SAG-AFTRA, the radio and television artist’s union, lapsed last month. Courtney, looking much older and more fatigued than her character ‘Flo,’ answered questions asked by Hunt Brickbacher of Entertainment Tonight.

“I belong to the actor’s union,” said the actress between yawns. “No, Progressive does not pay my insurance. No, my real name isn’t Flo. No, I don’t own a car. People forget, you know? I just forgot. The dues, I just … (yawn) forgot. Does that cover it?” asked a visibly perturbed Courtney. “Can I go home now?”

“I guess you’ve had to answer a lot of these questions,” asked Brickbacher. “Your fans seem to find the irony kind of hilarious. Progressive’s Facebook page has been flooded with comments.”

“Look, Progressive has me making around 350 commercial spots for tv and radio a year,” Courtney said. That’s like, 30 every month. Oh, dear God, that’s almost one a day! I rehearse one spot while shooting another. I’m exhausted. That wig I wear weighs a ton, and the makeup has made my face looking like a damn sea sponge. I bought some of that Proactiv Acne Solution for my skin, and they asked me if I wanted to be their spokesperson. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t do it. There’s just no time — I don’t have the time — I don’t have time to do anything!”

Trade publication Variety, as well as other gossip sites and blogs recently reported that a “rather odd insurance company spokesperson” had requested a hefty raise in salary, which was turned down. Courtney refused to acknowledge whether the item was about her contract with Progressive, replying only cryptically, “Yeah, that was … no, I don’t — it wasn’t — I … I read about that and my agent said … she (yawn) said … no, it’s not about me and Progressive, I’m very happy with our arrangement so I’d have to comment ‘no say’ – I mean I’d have to say ‘no comment.’ More than likely it was the Geico gecko. He’s a real piece of work, you know?”

Many actors fear that being identified with one role would lead to typecasting — locking them into one role which would prove detrimental to their careers. Courtney was realistic about the subject. “I knew what I was getting into when I signed that contract. Except maybe for the length of time that I would be bound to it and by all the extra extensions that I didn’t know about. I was so happy to sign at first, I didn’t read the fine print. I needed the job. Many actors would kill for this kind of exposure. Kill.”

When asked how many more commercial spots were planned for the ‘Flo’ character, the actress replied, “Oh, Christ on the sticks, I don’t know. I just need some sleep. Where’s my – where did I put my phone? Have you tried our new ‘Snapshot’ option?” Courtney laughed uncontrollably for several moments before sighing heavily.

The actress then leaned forward, put her head down in her lap, and promptly fell asleep. Brickbacher ended the interview by whispering, “So, that’s the story from Flo. Reporting from the Progressive Insurance Theater in Hollywood, California, this is Hunt Brickbacher for ET. Back to you in the studio!”

‘Key To The City’ Opens Bank Safe; Town Funds Go Missing

Posted on September 4, 2014 by DvanL

BRENTSVILLE, Tennessee –

“He seemed like a great guy,” said Mayor Sam Cannon, formerly of Brentsville, Tennessee. “Mayor Sam,” as everyone in town calls him, didn’t move away from Brentsville; Brentsville moved away from him.

It all began last spring, when “Uncle Joe, Motivational Surgeon” came to town.

“I never heard of that before,” said Carol Cannon, First Lady of what was once Brentsville. “He said he cured bad moods with laughter and joy medicine. That was his ‘surgery.’ Everyone liked him – children, the shut-ins, even our town sourpuss managed to smile when Uncle Joe came around.”

Joe Castle, the self-described “Motivational Surgeon” was just what the town of Brentsville needed. In 2008, the town’s candle factory went out of business after the price of wax tripled. When the factory shut down, it seemed as though the soul of the town shut down with it. One month later, “Uncle Joe” showed up with a suitcase and a twinkle in his eye.

“He did birthday parties for free, he sang songs at the retirement home, he even donated the most blood at our Founder’s Day blood drive,” said Mayor Sam. “I thought he was gonna pass out.”

“He never missed a trick,” added Carol. He remembered everything — always asking how people were doing in your family — we felt we had to do something for him. That’s when I got the idea to give him the key to the city. I just took this old key I found, and spray painted it gold and put some sparkles on it. I’m into arts and crafts. This whole thing is all my fault,” she sighed.

“Uncle Joe” never missed a trick indeed. He noticed the name stamped on the back of the key – “Brentsville Safe Co.” – the very same safe company that manufactured the bank’s main vault on Main Street.

“We had a big celebration at Brentsville Park. We haven’t had a parade like that in this town since the President came to town. President Roosevelt, I mean,” said the Mayor. “The next morning we got up and everything was gone. He wiped us out. That bastard played us like a fiddle!” he said.

“Language, Sam!” admonished Carol.

“I don’t care, that’s what he was, a two-faced, snake oil selling bastard! He took everything we had, including the town charter and incorporation papers! Bastard, bastard, bastard!”

After regaining his composure, Mayor Cannon said Uncle Joe was probably an old-school ‘flim-flam’ man who found out the candle factory had gone out of business, then decided to take advantage of the good nature of a vulnerable town.

“Just can’t trust people anymore,” said Cannon. “Now we have to merge with Barkley Heights, across the river. Bad enough they beat us in wrestling every year. If that candle factory hadn’t gone out of business, we’d be ok. I blame the wax lobby fat cats up in Washington.”

“Oh, Sam,” said Carol. “There’s no such thing. C’mon inside and have a cup of tea. After all, it’s not the end of the world.”

Sam followed Carol inside the house. “Bastard!” he exclaimed, as he slammed the screen door behind him.

7-Year-Old Hooked On Phonics, Refuses To Kick The Habit

Posted on September 4, 2014 by DvanL

CALDWELL, New Jersey –

Learning to read is one of the greatest milestones in a child’s early development. For the family of 7-year-old Peter Hall, what started off as a blessing quickly turned into a curse.

Peter was reading by the age of 2, with the help of the popular Hooked on Phonics series of informational workbooks and DVDs, but now the youngster refuses to learn or do anything else.

“His grandmother bought him the first set of books,” says Peter’s mother, Monica Hall. “Thank God she’s dead and gone so she doesn’t have to see the monster she created,” she says. “I know she meant well, but I thank the Lord above that she’s in a place where she can’t see the hell she’s put us through. I lost my job, my husband, and I ‘bout near lost my mind!”

“We started off by following the directions,” Monica continued. “They said to do the lessons for 20 minutes a day, 2 to 3 times a week, which seemed fine and was good for our schedule.”

Peter instantly took to the workbooks, cards and DVDs, begging for more when the end of one learning segment was reached. Temper tantrums and hunger strikes resulted if the books were taken away.

“At the end of the first week, I kept hearing these scratching noises in the middle of the night,” said Monica. “I’d go into Pete’s room and there he’d be with a flashlight under his covers, reading another book, turning another page, skipping ahead to another lesson – if we tried taking the book away from him, he’d holler and scream like we were stickin’ pins in him! Eventually we just let him keep going. Now I see we made a huge mistake.”

“He won’t eat, won’t sleep – we were advised by a doctor to hook him up to an intravenous so that he won’t dehydrate, and we had to install a feeding tube in him last month so he wouldn’t starve to death,” Monica explained through sobs. Even the child welfare officer threw her hands up and … and she walked out.”

“It was a living hell on Earth,” says Peter’s father and Monica’s estranged husband, Bill. “I moved out 8 months ago. I couldn’t take it no more – the books, the lessons, the DVDs, the sound of pages turnin’ – I quit drinkin’ 20 years ago, but I fell off the wagon by the time Petey started askin’ for biographies. That was the limit! Books were like crack cocaine to him, or even maybe meth – it was that bad. I’ve been around addicts, but I never seen anything like this before!”

“The commercial says more than 3 million families have used the program and are happy with it,” says Monica. “Well, what about us?” They don’t show people like us in those commercials. They don’t show the people whose lives have been ruined by this evil! It’s not fair! It’s just not fair!” She burst into tears.

Monica’s cries eventually subsided; the only sounds the can be heard when there’s no other noise in the house always come from Peter’s room; the turning of pages and the constant click and whirr of the feeding tube mechanism advancing a steady stream of mashed nutrients into the child’s abdomen.

“It’s gotten to the point where he doesn’t even talk anymore. He just gets up, plugs in another bag of mush, loads up the machine and starts another book. I want to die. Dear Lord, how I pray each night for death’s sweet embrace. Why me, oh heavenly Father, why me?”

Hooked on Phonics representatives were unable to explain the extreme circumstances surrounding the Hall’s plight.

“They’ve been in touch with us,” said Monica. “All they said is, they can keep sending us more books and cards and DVDs with their prayers and good wishes. They said they were working overtime just to keep up. I know just how they feel. Lord only knows, I know just how they feel.”

Doctors & FCC Conclude WiFi Networks Cause Migraine Headaches

Posted on September 4, 2014 by DvanL

BALTIMORE, Maryland –

The ‘tin foil hat crowd’ may not be so crazy after all. Doctors at Baltimore’s Johns Hopkins School of Medicine have announced today a link between the most common high-speed Wi-Fi bandwidth frequencies and the increase of migraine headaches in people who connect wirelessly.

Researchers from the Federal Communications Commission (FCC), working alongside doctors, scientists, and migraine headache specialists, announced the results of a two-year study in which test subjects, 50% of whom were predisposed to migraine headaches, were fitted with portable wireless routers and asked to visit heavily trafficked areas of several metropolitan centers.

Half of the participants, or “Human Hot Spots” (HHSs), were sent to coffee shops, public parks, and other venues where Wi-Fi users congregate. The other half were set up in more conventional Wi-Fi settings, designed to mimic average residential homes and apartments in cities and suburbs.

For the public participants, tiny sensors were used to measure electrical changes in the brain and were attached to baseball caps and bandanas. The head coverings were used to hide the brain monitoring wires so as not to draw unnecessary attention to the HHSs, thus skewing the results.

“The most severe triggers occurred at trendy, neighborhood cafes, with Starbucks coffee shop locations throughout the country triggering the most severe headaches within the test group,” reported study coordinator Dr. Frank Muller of Johns Hopkins.

“Some of our most sensitive subjects would report splitting headaches instantly upon entering these establishments. The volunteers would record pain thresholds on a 1 to 10 scale, by inputting data on an iPad tablet, given to them as payment for their participation and at the completion of the research project. Starbucks and other hip locales of that nature almost always registered between a 7 and a 10 with the participants.”

The data entered by the test subjects would then be compared to the corresponding electroencephalographic (EEG) data recorded by the modified headgear attached to their scalps.

A control group of patients, also fitted with the same headgear, were placed in assorted settings more resembling a typical household or apartment. These patients reported a next to normal ratio of headache/migraine instances as compared to the publicly exposed test subjects sent to cafes, coffee shops and various artisanal establishments.

“The results of our findings are very new, and warrant further study,” cautioned Dr. Muller. “I don’t think people should throw out their routers and modems just yet,” he added. “There is some credence to the wavelength barriers that some people have used. A lot of people who walked around with tin foil in their hats or colanders on their heads may very well have been protecting themselves from certain harmful bandwidths.”

Whether a new metallic fashion trend is in the making is up for debate. Further evaluation of the Johns Hopkins study by the American Medical Association (AMA) has begun, with the hope that relief can be offered to the 12% of the nation’s population affected by migraine headaches.

Disgustingly Named Frozen Treat Is A Big Hit With Kids

Posted on September 3, 2014 by DvanL

KANSAS CITY, Missouri –

Gummy Worms; Creepy Crawlies; The Cootie Game — the more repulsive a brand name sounds, the more popular it becomes with kids.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you haven’t heard of “Blister Pops™,” a frozen mixture of sweetened, brightly colored syrup, packaged in bubble-wrap. It’s the newest in-demand frozen treat aimed at kids.

When placed in the freezer, the blister packs expand, pop, and ooze the sweetened, semi-thickened fluid, which can be sucked directly out of the bubble, or through a syringe-shaped toy straw.

The product’s commercial jingle has become a nationwide “earworm,” and features a group of 8-year-olds pounding on a refrigerator door, chanting: I can’t wait ‘til my blisters POP! I can’t wait ‘til my blisters POP!

“Kids love to be grossed out,” said Constance Feck, vice president of Unilever, owner of the Popsicle brand, one of the world’s most recognized frozen confectionary brand manufacturers. “The Blister Pops™ idea was pitched to us at the same time we were trying to re-invent some of our brands. Adults are eating less and less sugar, but when it comes to kids, they just can’t get enough.”

Parents and nutrition experts have expressed wildly mixed reactions about the controversial product. Stay-at-home Mom Stella Christy finally had to give in to her son’s demands for the frozen treat.

“I was in frozen foods,” said Christy, from her local Price Chopper Supermarket, “And little Jeffy-Ray saw the Pops in the dessert case. He recognized them from the commercial. He wouldn’t let up until I got some, and just like in the commercial, he didn’t want to wait. He begged for them before we even got to the checkout. Everyone kept looking at me like I was a bad mother because he kept asking if we had to wait ‘til his blisters popped! I was embarrassed. I went through the express line just as fast as I could. I left many items behind.”

Controversy over Blister Pops™ has prompted a reaction from the nation’s First Lady, Michelle Obama. In a statement released from The White House, Mrs. Obama said:

More and more unhealthy and empty calories are making up the bulk of our children’s diets. My “Let’s Get Moving” initiative emphasizes a balance of exercise, healthy eating habits and snack foods in moderation. Ultimately, it’s up to the parents, but if this frozen candy ends up as a school cafeteria menu item, I’m going to step in.

Feck understands the concerns and offered reassurances to concerned parents. “Our Blister Pops™ are a fine addition to a healthy, balanced diet. The Orange Blisters contain 50% of the minimum daily requirement of vitamin C, and that’s more than you get in a Florida orange! The Black-And-Blueberry Blister has added calcium for strong bones and healthy teeth! And if you get an actual burn,” added Feck, “you can apply any one of our blisters on your skin to prevent a blister!”

Popsicle brands plan to introduce more dessert and confectionary items aimed at the disturbed-youth market within the coming weeks.

Coming soon are Sweet ‘N’ Scabby Fruit Leathers, Pus-Ups, and Cand-Aids, citrus flavored chewing gum, in the shape of a Band-Aid.™ “We can’t wait until children from coast-to-coast tear those off and chew ‘em up! We’re positive kids will love them!”

Helen Keller Driving School Opens In Tuscumbia, Alabama

Posted on September 3, 2014 by DvanL

TUSCUMBIA, Alabama –

John Cadbury has his famous chocolates, William Colgate’s toothpaste is a household name, and now, Helen Keller has a driving school named after her.

The first blind and deaf woman to earn a bachelor’s degree in the United States was author, humanitarian and educator Helen Keller. Born in 1880, Keller overcame the effects of “brain fever” at the age of 2, which left her without sight or hearing. What would have held others back only fueled Keller to overcome these “disabilities” and inspire millions throughout the world.

“Tuscumbia is her birthplace, and we’re proud of her,” says Margaret Cullen, co-owner of what was known as Cullen’s Learn-2-Drive up until last month. “She’s always been my hero,” said Cullen, “and I wanted to pay her tribute.”

Cullen’s “tribute” has made headlines at the expense of the 58-year-old driving instructor’s school, and the town of Tuscumbia.

“I never meant for this thing to be taken the way it’s been taken,” said Cullen. “All of these prank calls and such have started, and I don’t appreciate them, not one single bit! Helen Keller met Eleanor Roosevelt. There’s nothing funny about that!”

Prank calls have only escalated as word of the school’s renaming has spread.

“I had a man call up and impersonate a guide dog over the phone. He asked me if he could come in and help his owner learn how to drive. He disguised his voice and made a lot of “ruff-ruff woof-woof” words and I heard lots of giggling in the background. Distasteful and disrespectful, I say. I hung up but they just called back again, this time pretending to be ‘Toonces,’ that cat that could drive a car on that comedy show I used to watch. I don’t even know if there is such a thing as that. Who has the time to train a cat?”

Local CW affiliate WHDF-TV assigned reporter Carl Lucerne to cover the story as a local feature. “I had no idea this little local story was going to blow wide open,” admitted Lucerne. “When I mentioned to Mrs. Cullen that the story did have an ironic kind of humor about it, she told me that people had become ‘too mean’ these days. I asked her what her husband thought about the sudden notoriety brought to the town and to the driving school, and she said that the two weren’t speaking at the present time.”

“My husband and I are not discussing it right now,” said Cullen. “He thought the calls and attention we were getting were funny, and said ‘I told you so’ when I first came up with the idea of renaming the school. He said ‘don’t mess with the name,’ but I saw things differently, and just wouldn’t listen.”

“On the serious side, many blind people are asking us if we can teach them how to drive, but we aren’t equipped for that. I suppose it can be done, but we don’t have that kind of technology to do it,” said Cullen. “I read in the paper last month that some designer eyeglass company in China named their eyeglasses after Helen Keller. Fancy designer frames that I can’t afford, but I didn’t see that as a joke. I thought it was a nice tribute. It was like saying she could see beyond all her limits. That’s all I wanted to do, but now this thing has turned all wrong. It’s a shame,” she added.

Cullen plans to turn a deaf ear to the ridicule her company is facing. “This town and our school are not laughingstocks,” she said. “I’m just going to pretend I don’t see or hear these mean things. After all, I have a business to run,” she said.

Cullen has no plans to rename the school or revert back to the original “Cullen’s Learn-2-Drive,” a town institution since 1971.

“The signs and cards have been printed,” she said. “What’s done is done!”

Piñata Horror: Grandfather Beaten For Candy at Quinceañera

Posted on September 3, 2014 by DvanL

BROOKLYN, New York –

The Hispanic tradition of Quinceañera, the celebration of a young girl’s transition from childhood to maturity, is rich in religious customs, family values and the bonds of friendship, loyalty and responsibility. Young girls look forward to this celebration that often takes years of preparation and planning.

“I waited my entire life for this,” said Lucia Montez, 15, from the Park Slope section of Brooklyn. “But if I had to wait all over again, I would not do it,” she sobbed.

Rather than celebrating with family and friends, Lucia sits at the hospital bedside of her recuperating grandfather, 78-year-old Roberto “Tito” Montez. ‘Abuelo Tito,’ as he is lovingly referred to by Lucia, is recovering from a vicious beating at the hands of a group of children, apparently angered that they arrived late to the Montez family’s celebration.

“We decided to have the big party at The Grand Prospect Hall Ballroom,” said Lucia’s mother Alma. “’We make your dreams come true!’ is what the famous commercial says on television. It is now more like a terrible nightmare that none of us wanted to come true, but it did.”

According to Lucia, a group of six or seven children not originally invited to the Ballroom, crashed the party and were told that they would be welcome at the more informal gathering which was to take place at the Montez family home, later in the day.

“They weren’t even ever invited to come here!” said Lucia, angrily. “They barely know me! They started getting mad so then Abuelo Tito told them if they behaved themselves, they could stop by the house later.”

“He just wanted to get rid of them,” added Alma.

“They didn’t show up until late at night,” said Lucia, “and we were putting things away by then. Abuelo Tito was taking down the empty piñata that was broken already and hanging by a rope. It was a Dora The Explorer piñata and you had to hit her in the head to get the candy to come out. So the kids asked my Abuelo Tito for some candy and he told them to go home, the party was over. Then I heard the yelling and the screaming and then we …” Lucia could not continue.

“We ran outside,” continued Alma. “Those bad kids were beating my father with sticks saying ‘Where’s my candy, Papa Piñata? Can candy come out of you if we beat you now, viejo? More candy, more candy!’ It was a horrible thing to see, and we all pushed them away. Papa was lying there next to Dora, all covered with crepe paper and bruises. Then we came to the hospital.”

Abuelo Tito was able to speak and offer thanks to well-wishers.

“These bad kids, they were not from the neighborhood. They were outsiders and were bored, so they chose our family to cause trouble with. They don’t have enough to do except play games, then they get bored. I forgive them, but I will not forget. I’m a tough old bird, my family says.”

“I have a party ready for him when he gets home tomorrow or the next day,” said Lucia. “Inside for the party, please, Lucia” said Abuelo Tito, sending the room into laughter. “Look, everyone!” he said, “That’s the first time Lucia gives us all a smile!”

Abuelo Tito was treated for lacerations and a mild concussion, and a full recovery is expected. The children responsible for the assault remain at large.

County Fair Sheep Tests Positive For Anthrax

Posted on September 1, 2014 by DvanL

KANKAKEE, Illinois –

Below the soft, puffy, huggable exterior of Wooly Bully, the prize winning sheep at this year’s Kankakee, Illinois county fair, lurked a dangerous and life threatening agent of death.

Raised by Ricky Henderson as a 4-H project, the former lamb was a kind and gentle playmate, not only for 11-year-old Ricky, but also for his younger brother, 8-year-old Todd. If they survive, it is the hospital staff’s sad duty to inform them that they are now orphans. The youngster’s parents succumbed to the deadly anthrax bacterium days ago.

Both boys now cling to life, placed in a medically induced coma and isolated far away in the Acute Care and Infectious Disease Wing of Riverside Medical Group, located not far from the gently flowing Kankanee River.

“Oh, it’s definitely anthrax poisoning,” said Dr. Harriet Durville, infectious disease specialist. “Let’s not forget this is essentially a bacterial disease transmitted by animals. Filthy, disgusting, smelly animals that humans choose to come into contact with. ‘Dogs are pets, not sheep,’ I tell all my patients.”

Word travels quickly in this closely-knit, northern Illinois city of roughly 27,000. “It’s just so sad,” said Milly Jacobsen, bank teller. “We all watched Ricky raise that sheep from when it was born, and now, … if I had only known, I would have slit its throat during the night a long time ago and no one would have been the wiser! Such a shame,” she added.

Hundred of fairgoers have streamed into nearby clinics, complaining of symptoms of anthrax infection: fever, chills, blisters, nausea and vomiting, head and body aches being the most common ailments. “Most of the cases are just psychosomatic,” said Dr. Durville. “People are just panicked. After they hear that a simple antibiotic shot or 3 days of pills can clear up any complications, they relax about it.”

Naturally occurring animal-to-human anthrax disease rarely infects mass numbers of victims, whereas the deliberate malicious release of the bacterium for terroristic purposes can infect many at one time. “There’s a fear factor involved,” said Durville. “The bio-terrorists have really put a bad name on anthrax,” she added.

“Remember when people were afraid to open their mail? That’s going to start all over again, ‘til the next big scare comes along, probably,” Dr. Durville added.

So far, the spread of the disease seems to be held in check. The National Center For Disease Control has reportedly been notified by the hospital, but doctors were informed that until the number of confirmed cases gets above 100, the CDC will not step in.

“When we take those boys out of the medically induced coma we put them in and if they make it through, it’s going to be a sad day around here. I may just take that day off,” said Durville.

Death Row Inmate’s Request Granted For ‘Progressive Dinner’ Last Meal

Posted on September 1, 2014 by DvanL

PUTNAM COUNTY, Florida –

Florida Governor Rick Scott quietly approved death row inmate Del Berkley’s wish to attend a progressive dinner as per his last meal request.

Berkley, convicted of homicide and armed robbery in 2008, made the request earlier this month to reportedly “spice things up” from his usual drab prison meal routine before his scheduled execution.

The progressive dinner was held last week in a neighborhood not far from the Putnam County Sheriff’s Office House of Corrections. A review of the meal, written by Berkley, was published in the prison’s newsletter under the column “Bars and Spoons.”

“Overall it was good,” wrote Berkley. We started with a light course of appetizers at the “X” family’s neat suburban home. Nice big windows. Easy access. No guard dog.”

To be honest,” Berkley wrote, “this first course of mini entrées kind of suffered — I couldn’t choke down that tiny puffed tuna casserole. ‘And you thought my stare was cold and icy!’ I said to the hostess. ‘I’m never coming back here again!’ On the upside, I was allowed a glass of wine, which sure beats the crap out of the stuff I usually make in my toilet, that’s for damn sure! I really appreciated that.”

After a head count, the meal progressed to destination number two.

The “Y” family decided to make me feel ‘at home,’ so they went with a prison-themed dinner for the main course,” wrote Berkley. “They wore striped shirts and had these little plastic chains around their ankles which ticked me off a little at first, but I took it all in stride. After all, I didn’t want to come off as some kind of death row ingrate,” he said.

“The tin cups were funny and I gotta admit, the Y’s were very original with the dishes. We started with a towering Big House salad, then we had the Pork Shank Redemption, and to finish me off, I enjoyed a cup of Midnight Espresso. To call this meal a guilty pleasure would only be a half-truth,” he added.

The next part of the meal was the dessert course. “I wondered if I could force it all down after all that food! I was so full, I thought I was gonna die! Talk about ‘dead man walking’ – I practically had to be carried out to the van! After thanking my hosts, I was transported to my final destination.”

Unbelievably, the dessert was ‘Death By Chocolate Cake.’ “It was a complete coincidence,” said Berkley. “Mrs. ‘Z’ told me that she had planned her menu far in advance of my visit to her ADT Alarm protected ranch style home with the sliding glass doors adjacent to the attached garage which leads to the laundry room,” he said.

After the meal, when Berkley was transported back to the correctional facility, more good news awaited him. Due to the national shortage of lethal chemicals used in the humane execution process, his scheduled execution was indefinitely delayed.

“Is this an execution or a hunger strike?” asked Stefanie Fales, heartbroken widow of Martin Fales, Berkley’s homicide victim. “I’m calling my Congressman and the Governor!” she said.

“I can’t believe it,” said Berkley upon hearing the news. “I’m sitting here full as a tick, happy as a clam. True, it’s going to be an awful comedown once that plastic tray comes sliding through that slot tomorrow morning with those powdered eggs, but, … you can’t have everything!”

Record Holder of World’s Largest Penis Wins Three-Legged Race At County Fair

Posted on September 1, 2014 by DvanL

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Jonah Falcon, owner of the largest documented penis in the world, has generated dozens of headlines since the native New Yorker was featured in the 1999 HBO documentary, Private Dicks: Men Exposed.

“The publicity is like a double-edged sword,” said Falcon, speaking from his Brooklyn home. “I try to have as normal a life as possible, but once I decided to expose myself it’s not like I can wave a wand and make it magically go away.”

The latest headline attached to Falcon took place earlier this summer at the Putnam County Fair in Carmel, New York. “I try and go there ever year. I love fairs. All the food – all the events – I’ve been known to overdose on hotdogs, and I’m the first one to put my John Hancock on the sign up sheet for every event I can get my hands on.”

One of those fair events was the “three-legged race.”

The familiar competition involves two people, one leg from each team member tied together, racing to try and be the first to finish.

“Almost every county fair has one out here. Gobs of people signed up. You put a donation in a charity basket, so it’s really very popular and helps out the firemen’s fund. So, all these teams line up and people without a partner start to pair off,” explained Falcon. “I happened to come alone, so I didn’t have a partner.”

With the race about to start, Falcon found himself standing off to the left.

“Maybe some people recognized me, maybe they were a little afraid of having me for partner, I’m not sure. All I do know is, I was left hanging. I could have just forgotten about it, but I decided I wasn’t going to let the ball drop.”

Critics believe that Falcon engineered this story as a cheap grab for publicity, but he disagrees. “That’s a lot of baloney,” Falcon says. “I went up to the master of ceremonies and complained. He said the three-legged race logically has to involve two people, but I thought it was unfair that I couldn’t participate, especially since I had something in the basket. He didn’t want to hold things up, so he said I could run the race solo. We decided to tie both my legs together so I wouldn’t have a leg up on the other participants.”

There were some grumblings from a few contestants. “Yeah, one of the guys who runs a smoothie stand, this bald-headed yogurt slinger kept spouting off with these snide remarks – but I just turned my head the other way and ignored him. I took the ‘I am rubber, you are glue’ attitude and let it slide, like water off a duck’s back.”

As it turned out, Falcon won the race. “Everyone was really good about it and I gave the trophy to the couple who came in behind me. Even the yogurt guy shook my hand. ‘No big thing,’ I told him.”

“All in all, it was a great day,” said Falcon. “That’s the whole point of a fair – to have fun. I could have spent the rest of the day being Mr. Sad Sack about the whole thing, but instead I walked away being Mr. Happy!”

Curious onlookers had to know more, and they asked the obvious question – exactly how big is Falcon, anyway?

“I tend to not talk numbers in public,” Falcon said, with a wink. “But those people my age and older, they remember the adult film star John Holmes. Well, it’s like that. Only bigger.”