Government Secretly Installing Adware On New Computer Hard Drives

Posted on March 7, 2015 by Justin Birch

UNITED STATES –

One retired IT expert from New York revealed a shocking truth that the United States has quietly feared since the advent of the personal computer: our hard drives are infected with government adware.

While not functionally dangerous, adware is an intrusive and annoying invasion of privacy. The man, 67, who chooses to remain anonymous, discovered adware on a newly purchased computer while investigating its contents. Experts have since become involved, and say that this adware is a very recent trend that may have started as early as this year. The anonymous IT expert shared his findings with Empire News exclusively.

“The adware is designed to do very subtle things. It hijacks your browser when you search for certain terms, for example redirecting you to government propaganda websites when you Google the question ‘is America at war?’. The worst I found so far is a popup advertisement asking for donations, and a backdoor that is capable of installing election campaign propaganda on one’s machine.”

To address the matter immediately before it spread, President Obama commented directly on the man’s findings, stating that “it’s not that bad.”

“It really doesn’t hurt anything,” President Obama said. “There is no damage being done to your hardware. We have things we want to show to people on a private basis, and this is the most effective way.”

Since the secret has been leaked, an official government statement has been released detailing a ten-year slow integration of government control into personal computers via adware and other so-called “malicious” software. According to the U.S. Government, the general reception has been overwhelmingly positive. The original finder of the adware has since gone silent on the matter.

Airline Passenger Arrested After Causing Panic, Chaos During Flight

Posted on March 6, 2015 by Justin Birch

LOS ANGELES, California –

Tragedy struck as chaos ensued aboard a flight from Los Angeles bound for New York last week when one man learned where free speech ends and endangering the safety of others begins.

The classic example of “shouting Fire! In a crowded theater” describes a situation in which one’s freedom of speech is limited to prevent unnecessary panic and disaster. Toward the end of the flight, a 24-year-old man looking for amusement shouted clearly: “Tacos! Check out the free tacos!”

Immediately the plane erupted into a clamor of yelling, panic, and frustration, as passengers left their seats and began frantically searching the plane for free tacos. The pilot, co-pilot, and flight attendants, all also rushed to search for the tacos, leaving the plane completely unattended. The man’s identity remains anonymous for his protection.

The shouter’s friend, who was sitting next to him at the time, told police that he tried to diffuse the situation, but frenzy had already consumed the flight. The plane eventually flew past its destination and crashed into the ocean, killing 3, and wounding 7 before help could arrive.

The man was convicted to only one month of prison, but was forced to buy each passenger a year supply of tacos from their store or chain of choice, and may serve up to ten years on taco probation, banning him from every Taco Bell and Fajita Grill in the country.

“It sucks for the people that died, but we got free tacos, so it’s pretty cool,” one passenger commented. “I hope this teaches him a lesson on how powerful words can be.”

U.S. Government Finally Finds Loophole to Justify Banning Cigarettes

Posted on March 3, 2015 by Justin Birch

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The compassionate, good-natured United States government has been seeking a way to justly ban cigarettes from the country for decades. Cigarettes cause an astronomical amount of preventable deaths, health problems, and annoyances, as well as form addictions and drain the pockets of many citizens. Despite this, they have remained an integral part of the nation’s identity, primarily because the general population is too ignorant and arrogant to understand or admit to the faults of this drug.

Finally, as of January 1^st, 2016, cigarettes will be completely banned from the country.

“The answer was right in front of our face the whole time,” a New York congressman said. “To be honest, it’s kind of embarrassing that it took this long to find it.”

The justification behind the bill came from the recent wave of heroin legalizations. By replacing the tobacco industry with the heroin industry, the government’s profit is expected to not only remain stable but possibly increase. Additionally, people who are currently addicted to cigarettes may be able to assuage their withdrawals by becoming addicted to a new drug.

“The fact that we were killing hundreds of thousands of people and generally making life more miserable never really mattered,” the congressman added. “It was really all about the money and making sure no one important lost any votes. I mean, we’re still going to be killing a lot of people this way, but at least we can win over the anti-tobacco camp.”

Government officials are still discussing how to transition into a heroin-run nation smoothly and without destroying any jobs.

Groundbreaking Study Shows Prayer Might Not Actually Help Terminally Ill Patients

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Justin Birch

CONCORD, Massachusetts –

An important study recently concluded that gathered the minds of doctors, scientists, priests, and hundreds of thousands of people revealed some potentially devastating information: praying for people with terminal illnesses might not save their lives or even relieve their suffering.

In the five year long study, one hundred terminally ill cancer patients volunteered to take part. Half of them acted as the control group, while almost a million people, sourced through various channels, prayed for the other half consistently. The results: each case ended at completely random intervals, with only one person making a full recovery. This one man was in the control group.

“I had a hunch prayer might not be as effective as people make it out to be, but I never thought it would be completely useless,” one of the leading doctors for the study remarked.

The group behind the study followed up with a report stating that the findings were not entirely conclusive since “God’s will can’t be proven,” suggesting that the Holy Spirit already had different plans for this group of people. Nonetheless, it raises skepticism and is pushing more doctors to rely on their years of painstaking medical studies instead of prayer.

“The craziest part for me,” one of the study’s unbiased third-party observers said, “is that the people in the non-prayer group actually did better overall. I mean obviously with something like cancer it’s hard to tell because every case is different, but since people weren’t allowed to pray for them they spent their time raising money for research, helping them pay their medical bills, and in general doing whatever else they could to help.”

Several members of the study’s prayer group also chipped in to financially and emotionally support the control group without prayer, often finding that their time felt much better spent. A much larger and longer-term study is scheduled to begin in a few months to hopefully gather a second round of evidence.

New York Becomes First State to Legalize Heroin

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Justin Birch

NEW YORK, New York –

The state of New York made history this week, following on the heels of the wave of marijuana legalizations across the country. Recreational use of heroin will become fully legal in the state by the end of this year.

The decision was met with controversy, but “no more or less than the original decision to legalize marijuana,” Governor Andrew Cuomo stated. The state is still figuring out some guidelines and ground rules for suppliers, such as purity levels, permits, and health code requirements.

One of the major points in making this decision came from the number of dealers and users of the drug who repeatedly end up in New York’s correctional facilities.

“By legalizing, monitoring, and taxing heroin, we will not only cut down on inmates and care costs, but also open up a whole new job market,” Cuomo explained. “It’s a good situation all around, especially for taxpayers.”

A program is already in its early stages to rehabilitate and compensate imprisoned heroin dealers to return to society and act as the leading distributors, hoping to speed up this process while simultaneously reintroducing inmates to society.

Some of the decision’s most outspoken opponents, however, have been current dealers.

“Making it legal is a terrible idea,” a dealer, who chooses to remain anonymous, told us. “We don’t want it regulated. We make good money how it is now, but regular guys like me won’t be able to keep up with all the government regulations. This is gonna put me out of a job!”

Nonetheless, experts estimate this act will drop the state’s debt by as much as 50% in the first year. This may translate into tax cuts, more public projects, better road maintenance, and possibly even government rehabilitation programs for more dangerous drugs like cigarettes.

Governor Cuomo did not comment on whether or not he is a user himself.

Animal Shelter in California Initiates “Scared Straight” Program for Rebellious Puppies

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Justin Birch

ORANGE COUNTY, California –

The stereotypical profile of a pitbull walking the streets at night and getting picked up by dogcatchers is all too familiar for most people living in California. That’s why it’s the first state to have a “scared straight” program to put troubled young dogs back on track.

Scared Straight is a program that was originally designed for troubled teenage human children, but M. Walden, the owner of a dog pound in Orange County, saw the program’s design as an opportunity to extend help to other communities.

“These dogs don’t know what it’s like being locked up,” Walden told Empire News in a recent interview. “We’ve had youth intervention programs before where we just talk to them, but they all just look away like they don’t even understand what we’re saying. It’s frustrating.”

The program operates in much the same way with dogs as it does for troubled teens. Puppies, usually age two months to two years, are brought in and put through the same process as impounded dogs. They are harnessed, muzzled, and transported via cages.

Walden explained a typical day at the Scared Straight program to us:

“We show them what it’s like being locked up inside. Stuck in a cage in a room full of obnoxious barking dogs all day. These dogs don’t care – most of them are in here for life. But they see these young puppies walk in here with everything to lose and they really feel for them. We let them talk one-on-one for a while. The transition of growling dogs everywhere to a real sincere chat with a heartbroken lifer really gets to some of these pups.”

Walden says the hardest part is seeing some of the same puppies come in a year later to be locked up, but also that they make the next generation that much more scared to continue their destructive behavior.

The program is expected to spread to other parts of California with some funding and community support. So far its response has been overwhelmingly positive, and bad behavior in young puppies has dropped significantly.

Amazon Unveils ‘Amazon Crime’ Service, Offers Black Market Products at All-Time Low Prices

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Justin Birch

SACRAMENTO, California –

Amazon’s newest innovation is set to open its doors next month. Meet “Amazon Crime,” a service that provides much needed mediation for black market products and exchanges.

“The problem with the black market is that you have no security. You don’t know if you’re getting the drugs or weapons people say you are, and on the other side you don’t know if your buyer is going to pay you or shank you,” Amazon’s CEO explained in an interview. “Amazon Crime fixes that.”

Early previews of the platform are promising. Some features from Amazon’s existing marketplace will make their way into the service in the future, for example assassinations fulfilled by Amazon, free two-day shipping on human trafficking, and more.

“By providing a central, secure place for illegal activity, we hope to bring these products and services to the common middle-class family – not just impoverished people, neglected inner city children, and so forth,” an Amazon representative said in a press conference.

Many criminals have expressed their excitement for this platform, finally able to reach a global audience with their products and services.

“I feel like I’ll finally be able to start my career instead of just doing odd jobs here and there,” Trevor, a 24-year-old aspiring bank robber, shared with us.

Some of the more interesting categories expected to appear on the site include: prostitution, money laundering services, stolen government files, web attack bots, and chemicals. Amazon is also expecting to push out a new device, the Amazon Swindle, which is a combined criminal manual and pocket device to help the average user secure money from stolen credit cards.

According to the CEO, Amazon’s biggest challenge has been finding reliable suppliers. They have posted a number of job openings on their main website to recruit informants, writers, and other employees to help establish a unique but wholesome experience.

U.S. Prisons to Offer Retirement Pension to Inmates With Good Behavior

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Justin Birch

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

With a federal law enacted last week, all prisons in the United States are now required to offer what is being called a “compensation pension” to inmates who get out on good behavior.

Under this law, any prisoner whose total sentence was reduced by at least 25% due to good behavior is entitled to a retirement pension of $10,000 per year. Lawmakers are hopeful that this will accomplish a few key goals:

First, prisoners will strive for good behavior overall, reducing the need for as much inmate health care, security, and other costs. Secondly, more prisoners will get out sooner, freeing up space for other criminals. Finally, and most importantly, released prisoners will be able to confidently readjust to society.

“What we see with ex-cons is that they can’t get a good enough job to save for retirement, and they start getting hopeless when they realize that. So they end up right back in prison,” a representative from Auburn Prison told us in an interview.

Auburn Prison, located in Auburn, New York, was instrumental in testing the success of this law in its early stages.

“It wasn’t an overnight decision – we had to help prove that it would work,” the same representative said. “9 out of 10 released convicts stayed out. I’d say it works!”

Aside from freeing up resources immediately, the program also prevents later expenses from returning convicts. Since the program still draws on taxpayer money, taxes are expected to double within the next ten years to compensate for the change.

“We’re also hopeful that this will open up some new career paths for people,” one of the key lawmakers stated. “People can drop out of school, live exciting lives of crime, go to prison for twenty or thirty years, and then come out to a nice pension waiting for them. Some people are just cut out for that kind of life, and this makes it more viable.”

Talks are in progress to follow up with a law prohibiting life sentences to capitalize on the new program.