Canadian Man Arrested For Violent Slaying Of Multiple Teenagers At Bowling Alley

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

VICTORIA, BC, Canada –

A Canadian man was arrested yesterday after allegedly violently murdering 7 teenagers in a Victoria bowling alley, reportedly bludgeoning some with a bowling pin, while at least one was killed via a shotgun blast to the head.

In what police are saying is the most violent, brutal death they’ve ever seen, the suspect also killed one teen by violently shoving his face into a Wax-O-Matic bowling ball waxer, causing the teen’s skin to practically melt off.

“It’s the most terrible thing I’ve seen in 27 years of being on the force,” said police chief Ryan Ellis. “We received reports that a group of teens had been allowed to enter the Bowl-O-Rama after hours by the facility’s evening janitor. Over the course of the night, our suspect meticulously killed each teen off in extremely violent, and bloody ways.”

The scene was completely blocked off from access for reporters, but several eye-witnesses on the scene say that there may have been at least one survivor. Police indicate that they are not currently releasing any names of the victims, and that they have not been able to name the suspect, except to say that he was employed by the Bowl-O-Rama.

“The suspect we arrested was a janitor for the facility,” said Ellis. “He refuses to give us his name, and has said that he will only answer to the initials B.B.K., although we do not know if those are his initials or a pseudonym. He has indicated to us that these teens all deserved to die, but has not said why he felt this way. We are still investigating.”

Ellis says that the suspect was arrested while wearing a bowling bag over his face, a bowling shirt, and carrying several bowling pins in a homemade belt.

People With Tattoos 85% More Likely To Develop Cancer, Study Finds

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

Researchers at the Denver Institute For Scientific Studies have recently released their findings on a 10-year study, comparing the likelihood of cancer in person with tattoos versus those without. The study claims to have found an almost definitive link between the two, stating that in more than 85% of cases, people who had tattoos were more likely to have cancer-causing cells in found in their body.

“It’s staggering, really, how likely it is that you’ll end up with cancer if you have tattoos,” said research head, Dr. Richard Kimball. “This entire thing started after my dear mother got her first tattoo at age 70, and then developed rectal cancer not 4 months later. After she died, I wanted to see if there was a causal link between the two. As it turns out, there is.”

Dr. Kimball says that, for those who already have tattoos, there isn’t much you can do to revert the development of cancer-causing cells in your body, but for those who do not have tattoos but are thinking of getting one, he urges people to reconsider.

“Do not get tattoos. They may look pretty, sure, but you don’t want do die of cancer for your skin art,” said Dr. Kimball. “I know that my dear, dead mother did not want to trade her life for a tattoo. Had we known ahead of time that she was likely to get sick, I definitely would have talked her out of getting that slutty dolphin tramp stamp for her 70th birthday.”

PETA To Be Added To FBI Watch List Of Gangs, Hate Groups

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Following in the footsteps of the Bloods, The Cripps, and Juggalos, the animal rights group PETA has officially been added to the gang watch list at the FBI. According to a Bureau spokesperson, the PETA agency has been on their radar for years as a potential hate group, but it was only recently that it was decided they should be added officially.

“If we are going to consider a group like the Juggalos a gang, then we have to have PETA members be a part of this as well,” said FBI spokesperson Denise Johnson. “PETA are more violent, more dangerous, and full of more lies and deceit than nearly any other gang we deal with. Whereas the Bloods may be violent in the open, PETA are a group of seriously deranged individuals who will stop at nothing to fight for their cause, breaking whatever laws and spouting whatever lies they need to in order to gain supporters.”

The FBI claims that over the years, PETA has been responsible for violent and hateful acts, including riots, protests, physical assaults, and at least 2 deaths.

“The group, known to the public, mostly, as a group campaigning for animal rights, have long been know to have resorted to hypocritical, and often evil, methods of operation,” said Johnson. “From here on out, they will be watched very closely.”

The FBI says that PETA members will no longer be able to congregate in groups over 3, and that they must refrain from using their cause as a way of approaching civilians on the street.

Company Rents Out Children to Couples Who Are Considering Parenthood

Posted on October 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALTON, Minnesota –

A small Minnesota town is making national headlines this week after the Associated Press learned that a local Planned Parenthood facility was renting out babies and young children to couples who were deciding on whether or not to start families of their own.

According to reports, the New Beginnings Clinic in Dalton started a program where, for a fee, couples could ‘lease’ a child for a short period of time to better familiarize themselves with what being parents would be like. The program director, Gail Levesque, says that since the program started last October, many couples were able to decide positively if they wanted a future that included children.

“The support has been wonderful,” said Levesque. “The entire community really understands what we’re doing, and many families have helped by loaning to us their babies and toddlers so these couples could really see what life is like with a child. We always split the rental fee with the family who was gracious enough to lend us their precious bundle of joy.”

Levesque says that couples looking to rent a child from them go through extensive background and criminal checks, as well as drug testing. After all reports come in, then – and only then – will the clinic approve the request for loan. The fee to rent a baby for a week begins at $400. The longest they allow you to keep the child is 9 weeks, for an even $2500.

“It’s a small fee to pay to really understand what being a parent is like,” said Levesque. “So many of our couples who have chosen not to start families after their rental period really thank us for showing them a possible future. They are more than happy to have spent only $400 for a week with a baby to know that they couldn’t possibly handle 18 years of the same things.”

“It worked out really great for my me and my husband,” said Amber Perry, a mother of a 2-year-old boy. “We wanted to take a vacation to Palm Springs, and bringing along a small child would be such a hassle. We didn’t have any family to take him in, so we loaned him to New Beginnings. They gave us $200 up-front for the use of our child, so we got to have some extra fun on our vacation!”

“We’re trying to help people really plan for parenthood,” said Levesque. “I think that we’re accomplishing that very well.”

Major Dairies Recall Millions Of Gallons Of Milk After Shocking Find By FDA

Posted on October 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The FDA has reportedly ordered a recall over over 200 million gallons of milk released by several major, national dairy brands after their product tested positive for human semen.

“During a normal, routine check by members of the FDA, we found that at not one, not two, but five major milk processing plants, the product was positive for containing human semen,” said FDA spokesmen Joe Goldsmith. “Normally, the FDA allows for some contamination to take place for products labeled for human consumption, but we do draw the line at this level of contaminants.”

Goldsmith says that he is “not at liberty” to divulge which companies were part of the recall, but said that he could say that the amount of semen found was “unsettling.”

“For us to even catch this level of contamination, it had to be an obscene amount,” said Goldsmith. “And remember, too, that this was not just at one location by one company. This was at several locations owned by 5 major dairy brands. This was a lot of employees with a lot of built-up sexual tension, here.”

Goldsmith says there is no way of knowing how many contaminated products had gone out, or for how long the semen may have been showing up in the milk.

Pregnant Teens Binge Drink To Give Their Babies ‘Cute Deformities’ In Shocking New Trend

Posted on October 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

Pregnant teens across the country have been participating in a dangerous new trend, say doctors faced with an onslaught of unhealthy babies. According to reports from national physicians, a new trend among pregnant teens is to spend many hours during their pregnancy binge drinking, hoping that they develop “cute deformities” in a quasi-competition with their friends.

“Many teens have been giving birth to babies with extremely low birthrates, deformities, and other major ailments,” said Dr. Emmett Richards, Dean of Medicine at Boston University Hospital. “It appears that a trend amongst pregnant teens, normally around age 15 to 19 is to spend hours and hours bring drinking, in hopes that their baby will have deformities, and then they post pictures of their babies online.”

Doctors are warning both prospective teen moms and their parents that the “game” is dangerous to their baby’s health, as well as the mother-to-be.

“Ugh, like who cares, really, about the baby?” said pregnant teen Amanda Johnson, 15. “I mean, I only even got pregnant so I could do the bingy-baby challenge, and show all my friends. I don’t even want the stupid thing. If it dies cause I drank too much, who cares?”

“I’ve already had 3 babies, and the keep coming out more and more deformed, cause I switched from just binging out on beers to mixing in hard alcohol, and even sometimes some coke or meth, even though I know that’s cheating a bit,” said Lindsay Moore, 17. “All of my babies have died. The doctor said that I might not be able to have kids later down the road from all the shit my uterus has gone through, but whatever. It’s all for funsies.”

Wendy’s Employee Kills Manager After Having Time Off Request Denied

Posted on October 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BROOKLYN, New York –

An employee at a Wendy’s location has been arrested after allegedly killing his boss when his time off request was denied.

Jerald Marques, 26, was arrested after another Wendy’s employee called 911 on Wednesday evening. The call, which was made to police around 6pm, recorded the voice of a frightened woman who was calling from inside the kitchen of the Wendy’s.

“Oh my God, my God! Jerald done killed the boss! He just killed the manager!” said the unknown caller. Police arrived on the scene to find Marques casually eating a cheeseburger in the dining room of the restaurant. He was reportedly covered in blood and mustard.

“I asked for Halloween off almost over two months ago, and that dumb muthafucka denied my request,” said Marques. “I wanted to take my baby girl out trick-or-treating, and he said I couldn’t. Well fuck him, I do what I wanna do.”

Marques was arrested and taken into custody. He is scheduled to be arraigned on Monday. He is charged with assault with a deadly weapon (metal spatula), and murder in the first degree.

President Obama Lifts Trade Embargo With Cuba

Posted on October 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama announced today that he would sign documents releasing the trade embargo on trades with Cuba, a blockade that has been in place for over 50 years. The move comes as part of Obama’s campaign to open more doors for American businesses to deal face-to-face with foreign companies.

“I believe that America is the greatest nation in the world, and that we are also a forgiving nation,” said Obama. “We will never forget the Missile Crisis held over our heads by the Cubans, but we can forgive many nations of many mistakes. This is one time to forgive.”

The embargo has long since blocked any American businesses from dealing with companies based in Cuba. The new ruling would allow goods to once again be bought and sold from the United States to Cuba, and vice-versa.

“This is the biggest bunch of bullshit I’ve ever heard,” said Texas rancher Bubba Reynolds. “I paid over $2,000 for a box of high-end, beautiful Cuba cigars. I thought I was investing in my future. Up until yesterday these beauties were worth over 5 times what I paid. Now they’re junk, because any schmo can get them imported. Next time I deal in illegal trades with other countries, I’ll stick to Colombia and their cocaine.”

The embargo dissolution will not take effect until the first of the new year.

Animal Breeder Successfully Joins Sloths With Kittens

Posted on October 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

A selective breeder from Kentucky has said that he has successfully combined the internet’s two most popular animals – the sloth and the cat – into one extremely cute animal.

“It took many years of genetic research, and plenty of time and effort,” said animal breeder Jeremy Richards. “Not to mention trying to entice a sloth to have sex with a cat. That was not easy. In the end, though, it’s all been worth it, because I’ve finally been able to breed a new animal, which I have dubbed the Slitten. Or, possible, the Cloth. I haven’t decided.”

Richards says he has been working on creating the “internet’s perfect animal” for the better part of 10 years.

“I’ve had success in the past combining rabbits and cats, cats and chickens, goats and beavers, all sorts of animals,” said Richards. “This is the first time, though, I was able to work with an exotic animal like a sloth.”

Richards says that he made the animal “purely for show,” and that he would not be selling them.

“I just want people to be able to admire them, but I don’t know their temperament or anything yet, so for now, they stay with me.”

‘Tales From The Crypt’ Reboot To Hit HBO In 2016

Posted on October 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

A reboot of the extremely popular horror series from the 1990s, Tales From The Crypt, is being planned for production by HBO, and slated to be added to their lineup of shows for the winter lineup in 2016.

“Frankly, we didn’t know that this show had such a major fanbase, but they have been clamoring for new episodes ever since the show went off the air,” said Cryptkeeper voice John Kassir. “Frankly, we never would have stopped making the series at all, except we ran out of puns for the Cryptkeeper. If we could have come up with more on the spot, we would have kept the series going. We’ve had many years, though, to come up with more, and we’re ready.”

Kassir says that the new series will be all new episodes, not remakes of the previous, with the exception of some “fan favorites.”

“No one is saying which ones though, yet,” said Kassir.