Dentist Who Killed ‘Cecil The Lion’ Seriously Mauled By Rabid Feral Cats

Posted on July 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BLOOMINGTON, Minnesota –

Dr. Walter Palmer, DDS, the man who allegedly paid $50,000 to kill a protected and collared lion known as ‘Cecil’ in Zimbabwe and has since become the most hated man on the internet, was reportedly attacked and mauled by a group of feral cats as he was attempting to enter his Minnesota home.

The cats, which authorities say were possibly rabid, apparently followed Palmer for over 40 blocks as he walked home from a local restaurant. For the last block, Palmer was reportedly seen running and screaming for his life.

“I saw him just down the road, and he was running and screaming, ‘Help! Help! The cats are attacking! They’re coming for me!’,” said local resident Marlene Stuart. “I saw behind him probably 30 or 40 disgusting, mangy cats, all of them clearly flea-ridden and malnourished, using up all of their last little bits of energy chasing him down. I’m sure I could have ran after them and shooed them away, but hell, that’s none of my business.”

Palmer was taken to a local hospital where he was put on life support.

“Those cats, they certainly did a number on him,” said Dr. Geoff Fate. “Frankly, I’m surprised he’s alive. Those cats certainly knew who he was. They could probably smell lion blood on him, and it’s clear they were out for retribution.”

“Although many of the cats were more than likely rabid, the city has decided to not euthanize them,” said police chief Randy Moore. “Normally, a rabid animal is automatically put down after attacking a human, but in this case, we feel it’s possible that the attack was justified.”

According to doctors and police, the cats may have been tracking Palmer for upwards of 40 hours, with hopes of wearing him down until he collapsed from exhaustion. Several eyewitnesses say that it looked as though the group of tough cats were attempting to behead and skin Palmer with their tiny claws, but they can’t be certain.

“Damn good thing cat’s don’t have opposable thumbs,” said Stuart. “If they did, they’d have surely shot him with a crossbow.”

KKK To Add New Chapter For African-Americans

Posted on July 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MOBILE, Alabama –

In what many bigots are calling “disgusting” and “unbelievable,” the Ku Klux Klan has announced today that they will be starting a new chapter for African-Americans, with hopes that they can “branch out” to people who might not have previously thought of the Klan as a go-to club.

“It’s about time that us whites in the Klan opened our arms to our nigger brothers,” said Grand Wizard Joseph Smith. “Over the years our numbers have dwindled to the point of near-joke levels. Even those skinheads and neo-Nazi guys have more members than we do, and that’s just not right.”

Grand Wizard Smith says that if they get enough “negroes” to join up, they may also expand their membership to “spics and Jews,” too.

“Everyone deserves an opportunity to join one of the oldest, least-respected organizations in the United States,” said Smith. “We only hope that them blacks can overcome their pre-conceived notions of who we are, and come see for themselves. To celebrate, on August 1st we are having a big ol’ barbeque, with plenty of fried chicken, watermelon, and grape Kool-Aid to welcome our black brothers.”

Kansas Fetus Hoping Abortion Legalized Before It Reaches Third Trimester

Posted on July 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

KANSAS CITY, Missouri –

A Kansas City fetus is optimistic that the state will legalize 2nd trimester abortion before it reaches its 3rd trimester. Kansas currently outlaws the dilation and evacuation (d & c) procedure necessary to abort a pregnancy in the stages in which the fetus is already developed. But there is no indication that changes to the law will come into effect within the next three months.

“Look, being born would not be the worst thing that could happen,” the not-yet-alive being told reporters. “Well, actually it is. Born becomes infant, becomes being who feels immense physical and emotional pain. I don’t wanna go through it. And I don’t have to!”

The fetus’s mother says she is a law-abiding citizen and, although she does not want this baby, she will go through with it if she can find no legal way out, and raise it as her own – which it technically is.

“I’ll have the little bugger. I can take care of it. Yes, I won’t be the most attentive mother, and it’ll grow up maladapted, but what can ya do?”

The ‘little bugger’ asserted that its plan b is to convince its mother to commit the crime so that “I don’t have to do the time. It’s not fair! It’s just not fair! I’m going to campaign, and get other fetuses on my side, and start a petition even. I’m doing everything I can to stop my life from happening.”

Pro-choice activists have been swift to join the fetus’s cause, hoping that this will serve as an example for further legislation.

“It’s usually the mothers who we’re working with, even though we’re doing what we do for those poor unborn babies. Now we have the true victim with us, we know we can win this one.”

Kansas legislators, however, show no signs of backing down. They say that, because the fetus is not yet legally an adult, its opinion does not count, and that “if we give it this, we’re eventually gonna have to let them vote.”

France Bans Skinny Dog Models in All TV, Print Ads

Posted on July 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

PARIS, France –

Following a ban on fashion models who are considered “too skinny”, France has continued to lead the way in body acceptance by announcing a ban on skinny dog food models. It is yet another attempt to convince dogs that skinny is not always better, and alert them of the dangers of being too thin. The SPCA have commended the French parliament, and asserted their belief that measures such as these will help to curb the spate of dog anorexia.

“Far too often we have dogs sent to us malnourished,” said chairman of the French SPCA, Victor Houliston. “And so many more come to us with diseases related to food deprivation. It’s time to stop this from happening, and banning skinny models is a great start.”

But dog modelling agencies, who face fines of up to $75 000 or 6 months jail time if they do not comply, have hit back, saying that this will further alienate skinny dogs, rather than helping them.

“At the moment, people are biased against fat dogs, but soon it will be the skinny ones who are without homes,” said Albert Camus, founder of The Dog Agency. “You’ll walk through those corridors at the homes for neglected dogs, and see puppies with barely anything more than skin and bones, and no one will want to take them. It’s totally counterproductive and bound to fail.”

Houliston responded that Camus’s rationale is manipulative, and that it “just doesn’t work that way.”

“Camus is admitting that there is a problem – that this is just not the way to solve it. But that works against him, because his agency is taking advantage of that problem. That is all we are trying to change. Anorexia is spreading like wildfire, and we are already seeing skinny dogs being kicked out of their homes. Our policy is not what is causing that.”

At press time, the French parliament had approved an amendment to the law, which will ensure that all skinny dogs out of employment will be compensated and supported until they can find new work.

BREAKING: Fidel Castro No Longer Cuban President

Posted on July 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CUBA –

Startling news came through this morning that Fidel Castro is no longer Cuba’s dictator. American intelligence made the revelation that Castro stepped down from the “presidency” in 2008, and the country has secretly been ruled by his brother Raúl since then. Even meetings between the two countries have primarily taken place between Barack Obama and Raúl Castro. This shocking news is set to rock international relations, especially in the region.

“Our sources are foolproof, and we have confirmed what until now no one suspected,” an intelligence agent told Empire News, on condition of anonymity. “During a routine Wikipedia scouring, we found the information hidden among reams of text detailing the political careers of both Fidel and Raúl. We immediately reported to the Office of the President, the CIA, Interpol, and the UN.”

Fidel Castro has been a thorn in America’s side for decades, and Raúl’s transition to presidency may be a good thing for the US.

“As we speak, information about Raúl Castro is being uncovered at a remarkable pace,” the source continued. “Wikipedia contains tons of information on the current Cuban president, which you’ll find if you know to look in the right places. It’s just incredible stuff that’s coming through. We just need to find citations for some of the info, and we can move forward from there.”

Who is Raúl Castro?

Raúl Castro served as a commander in the Cuban Revolution. He has had a long political career, culminating in his taking over of the presidency in 2008. The 83 year old is expected to serve as president of the country until 2018, barring any further spectacular developments as we have seen today.

Fox News: Majority of Americans Support Legalization of Marijuana Dealers

Posted on July 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

For the first time, the Fox News poll found that the majority of Americans support legalization of recreational marijuana dealers. As recently as 2013, more voters were opposed than in favor, but this year’s results show a continuing shift towards acceptance of marijuana dealers in everyday life. Arguments suggesting that the relatively mild marijuana dealers are a gateway to more dangerous dealers are no longer convincing as many Americans as in the past, as more and more often, the previously maligned community is proving itself safe.

“There are those who say that pot dealers are dangerous, that they cause people to make bad decisions,” said one participant in an anonymous comments section. “But I’ve been using them for years, and they’ve never led me to dealers of hard drugs.”

Others made the comparison with the long-legal alcohol dealers, otherwise known as bartenders.

“The alcohol dealer at my local bar has caused me far more problems than any pot dealer,” said another participant. “He’s readily available and great at convincing me to do things I shouldn’t. Also, he’s been in prison for assault, while my pot dealer would never hurt a fly.”

More participants went on to talk about the mild nature of marijuana dealers.

“They’re so mellow. Most of the time they’re not gonna force you into doing anything. Alcohol dealers always force me to doing things I wouldn’t have done not under their influecne.”

One pot dealer user pointed out that the dealers he uses often make him think of insights he’d never considered.

“I’ll be sitting in a circle, with my dealer, and he’ll say someting like deep like, or point out tings in nature I’d never seen, and I’ll be like, woah, that’s deep man. I never have woah moments when I’m not using marijuana dealers.”

Shaquille O’Neil Plans Return To NBA As Free Agent

Posted on July 22, 2015 by JP

MOUNT DORA, Florida-

Fan favorite basketball player Shaquille O’Neil has announced that he will be returning to the NBA pending a deal with a team. Shaq says he will be returning to the league as a free agent, and hopes a team will sign him and give him the chance to play the game that he “has always loved and respected.”

Shaq made his way with his basketball skills, but his persona off the court is what people really loved about him. Friends say he was always goofing around with his teammates and reporters, and has landed several jobs both behind and in front of the camera because of it. According to his doctor, Shaq is ready to play again and, reportedly hasn’t felt this good about the sport since he first started.

“I just want to go out and win for my team, whoever it may be, that’s all I want to do. I’m in great shape and still feel that I can ball with the best of them, especially when I’m wearing my new Icy Hot Backpatch. I’d love to dunk on Kobe and LeBron – nothing feels better than that – except for when I put new Icy Hot Slow-Release Pain Reliever on my feet after a long day,” said Shaq.

At the moment, no teams seem interested in signing him, but reports claim he has gone to a few team practices. It is unclear if these visit were for business, or if Shaq was just hanging out with some old friends. O’Neil has reportedly requested a 10-year contract for $15 million per year, and claims “the phones will be ringing any moment now.”

Speed Limit On Most Major Highways To Be Raised To 120mph

Posted on July 22, 2015 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

If you happen to be a speed demon behind the wheel, you are going to love the new speed limit being enforced all across the United States. If you happen to like to drive a bit slower when in your car, you may want to consider public transportation.

As of September 1st, all major and highways will be raising the speed limits to 120 miles per hour. The decision was made in hopes to remove traffic clutter and provide a safer drive for families all over the nation. Highway patrol officials feel this is the best decision for travelers, and feel the new speed behind the steering wheel will give drivers more confidence and less driving time.

Fines will be given out to those who choose to stick with the standard 65 or 70 mph, and drivers are urged to begin being cautious of slower, “older” drivers who can’t get the hell out of their own way.

“Once people get used to the new speed limit, I feel that accident rates should drop dramatically,” said veteran highway patrolman Rick Myers. “I see so many accidents on the highways by people going 45, 50mph, and getting in other people’s way. This way, everyone will be going so fast, there won’t be time for accidents.”

The speed limit will only be dropped down to a solid 80 MPH during major snowfalls, or other conditions that may cause the roads to be hazardous.

Charlie Sheen Praised As Hero After Saving Prized Family Possession From Fire

Posted on July 22, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BEVERLY HILLS, California –

Neighbors of outspoken, controversial and unpredictable actor Charlie Sheen are calling him a “hero” after he heard a 10-year-old girl crying for her “giraffe” and ran into the neighbors burning bamboo hut and within seconds emerged with little Katie Edenstein’s pygmy giraffe, a rare miniature giraffe which typically only grows to be five-inches tall.

Paul Edenstein, the girl’s father says he had been grilling shark in the family’s backyard located next door to Sheen on Mulholland Drive in Beverly Hills, and went in the house for a brief period, “I had just throw some shark on the grill and I ran inside, for maybe two minutes to get some seasoned salt, when I came back out, I saw the hut completely engulfed in flames, I ran and grabbed Katie, and was shocked when Charlie came running out from the flames with Bernie, her pet pygmy giraffe.” Edenstein told a reporter from the Beverly Hills Ledger. “It was the craziest sight, imagine seeing that. He is a hero,” the father added.

Sheen, who was later seen at a coffee shop downtown, was stopped by a paparazzo and asked about the incident, “Yeah! A little giraffe, it’s all good, crazy Uncle Charlie was jacked up and raring to go, it’s cool man. I’m glad the little guy is okay, I want one now.” Sheen said before getting in his Bentley and driving away, and coincidentally was pulled over for speeding right afterward. Maxwell Roundtree, the paparazzo rushed up to Sheen’s car to ask why he was pulled over, “Oh, you know, running in and out of flaming bamboo huts with mini giraffes, drinking a lot of coffee, I guess I got jacked up and going too fast as always, it’s all good though bro!” Sheen answered happily.

New Prison Reality Show Will Grant Freedom To Winner, Death Row To Losers

Posted on July 19, 2015 by JP

LOS ANGELES, California –

Broadcast companies are battling to pick up a new reality show that many believe will be a huge hit. Every big name network, along with every smaller, cable-based network are raising bids each day to earn the rights to what many are calling the greatest idea for a television show in history.

The show is called Freedom, and features ten prisoners who fight over a chance to win their freedom back and be pardoned for their crimes. The contestants will have to go through many different prison-type challenges to win, and the losing prisoners will be forced to walk death row.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes, I was on the edge of my seat the entire time,” said Mark Henry, who saw the pilot episode in a test screening. “You begin to pull for these prisoners and hope that they each gain freedom, but of course, some of these poor bastards are going to die.”

Surprisingly, prisoners all over the nation are writing letters to showrunners in hopes to get on the program, even though there is a high chance of death.

“Fuck yeah, I don’t give no shits, I want on that motherfucker,” said prisoner #677645, Lucio “Big Guns” Clemons. “I’m in this motherfucker for life for murder, and this is probably my only shot at getting out this bitch. I need to be on that show, and I’ll show everyone who that baddest motherfucker in the yard really is. Plus, I gotsta get out. There’s a couple people who need to be taught what keeping their mouths shut really means.”