North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un Killed In Snowmobiling Accident

Posted on January 20, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

The Associated Press in New York City, New York is receiving reports from the office of North Korean second-in-command Hwan Cho that North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un has been killed during a horrific snowmobiling accident just hours ago.

In the onslaught of reports bombarding press rooms, it is said that Kim Jong-un received a snowmobile as a Christmas gift from Russian President Vladimir Putin. The two had previously bonded over their shared hatred of the United States, and had developed a very close friendship according to North Korean third-in-command Chung Chin-mae, who has released a more detailed statement of the tragic account.

In his statement sent worldwide, Chung said that the Supreme Leader had taken the gift out for a joyride just after breakfast.

“It is with a heavy heart filled with sadness that I issue my words upon the people of the world, and relay this tragic message. Kim Jong-un has died after an accident involving the snowmobile given to him as a Christmas gift by Russian President Putin. Supreme Leader took the machine out for riding, and struck a tree branch. He was decapitated, dying only hours later,” Chung said in the statement.

Of course, the news bring mixed emotions among the public of North Korea. Some citizens have taken to the streets with joy, holding signs with phrases of relief, such as”We Are Free”, “The Evil Has Died”, and “America Wins.”

The thirty-one year old Kim had assumed the office of North Korean Supreme Leader on December 17th, 2011. He is survived by his spouse, Ri Sol-ju, a child, Kim Ju-ae, and live-in man slave Dong Bong-cha. Funeral arrangements have not been announced. Second-in-command Hwan Cho has reportedly assumed the title of Supreme Leader of North Korea.

Luke Bryan Cancels ‘Kick Up The Dust’ Tour Over A Pair Of Jeans

Posted on January 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NASHVILLE, Tennessee –

According to his record label, country superstar Luke Bryan has cancelled several recently announced dates on his upcoming ‘Kick Up The Dust’ tour. Manager John Deere say that Bryan is ‘too distraught’ to perform because he has experienced ‘severe loss,’ in the form of a rip in his favorite pair of blue jeans.

“This was not my kind of night, not at all,” said Bryan. “I was Doin’ My Thing you know – Drinkin’ Beer and Wastin’ Bullets. I like to do that during Harvest Time. Anyhow, I slipped down a muddy hill and ripped the crotch right out of my favorite pair of blue jeans! Man, I can’t even tell you how much of a Buzzkill it was. Those blue jeans are my signature trademark!

According to his record label, Bryan plans to push back the tour dates until a time when he is able to find a pair of jeans the comfortable replace his old ones.

“These were obviously not a good buy. I’ll stick with Levis next time,” said Bryan. “I know I’m going to disappoint a couple of fans, but they know that I’ll come around and Play It Again sometime soon. I’m a Country Man through-and-through, and I won’t let anything completely Crash My Party. Roller Coaster.”

Filmmaker Michael Moore Goes Into Hiding After Making Negative Comments About ‘American Sniper’

Posted on January 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FLINT, Michigan –

Controversial leftist filmmaker Michael Moore has reportedly gone into hiding, after he made derogatory comments about the new film American Sniper, and about military snipers in general.

Moore tweeted from his verified account, “My uncle killed by sniper in WW2. We were taught snipers were cowards. Will shoot u in the back. Snipers aren’t heroes. And invaders r worse.” Although he didn’t mention specifically that he was taking about Chris Kyle, the deadliest sniper in US military history on which the film is based, it was clear to everyone who read it who, and what, Moore was talking about.

According to sources, Chris Kyle’s father, Wayne, was extremely upset that Moore would make such hateful comments about the movie, his son, or the military. Wayne Kyle already made news himself, when he reportedly told director Clint Eastwood and star Bradley Cooper that there would be “hell to pay” if they disrespected his son’s memory.

“Wayne Kyle, like most Americans, wanted to see Kyle’s story represented in a positive light,” said a family friend. “They did an amazing job with the film, but then here comes this loud-mouthed, liberal SOB, talking shit about our boys, about our military, and about snipers? Cowards? The man is a liar, and a coward himself. He uses his one-sided, propaganda films to make people ‘think?’ Well, I tell you what I think. I think he’s a piece of shit, and he should be worried about running his mouth about the military. That could, and does, upset a lot of folks in this great country.”

According to reports, Moore tried to retract what he said, stating that he thought American Sniper was a good movie, and that he didn’t mean to disrespect anyone, but unfortunately for him, the damage had already been done.

“Mr. Moore has taken to the underground, until the storm blows over, so to speak,” said Moore’s agent, Joe “Fats” McGee. “This isn’t the first time that his mouth has gotten him into trouble in the media. We anticipate that he can make it 10, maybe 12 hours, before he’ll need to ‘come up for air,’ and probably a cheeseburger.”

No word on whether comedian Seth Rogen, who also tweeted negative comments about American Sniper, will be joining Moore in hiding.

NASCAR Driver Kurt Busch’s Ex-Girlfriend Admits He Was Right, Says ‘I Am A Trained Assassin’

Posted on January 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DOVER, Delaware –

In a deposition last week, NASCAR driver Kurt Busch stated that he believed his ex-girlfriend, Patricia Driscoll, was a trained assassin.

“Everybody on the outside can tell me I’m crazy, but I lived on the inside and saw it firsthand,” said Busch, who stated that he believed Driscoll traveled the world as a hired killer, and that he once caught her in their home, covered in blood.

Initially denying the claims, Driscoll stated that Busch was just taking plot elements from a movie script that she had been writing, and that he had read. This morning, though, Driscoll shockingly admitted that the screenplay she had been writing was autobiographical, and that she was, indeed, a trained assassin.

“It’s true that I have travelled the world, and I am a trained assassin,” began Driscoll in a surprising statement. “I am currently writing a screenplay based on my life as a member of The Foot, a secret clan of ninja assassins that have been fighting our enemies for decades.”

Driscoll claims that she first joined The Foot clan almost 15 years ago, and quickly became one of their most deadly warriors.

“They sent me all over the world, hunting people who they said we our enemies. I have killed many people in the name of The Foot, although our greatest enemies – Leonardo, Raphael, Michelangelo, and Donatello – have evaded me for years. Sadly, Kurt has blown my cover as a covert, deadly assassin, so I must go into hiding before I am captured or killed.”

Busch, who was later asked about Driscoll’s announcement, said that he wasn’t surprised.

“I knew that she was deadly. I’m telling you, guys, she killed Bin Landen! She killed Hussein! She probably killed JFK! I don’t know. All I know is, I’m glad this is all out in the open, now. See – I’m not crazy! I’m not! She’s a killer!”

Busch is reportedly being taken into hiding by NASCAR officials, out of fear of retaliation from The Foot Clan.

14-Year-Old Becomes World’s Youngest Gynecologist

Posted on January 20, 2015 by Abe Abrams

OAK TREE, Arkansas –

While most boys his age are playing video games, baseball, and dreaming of girls, Scott Simmons has women making appointments just to see him. At 14-years-old, boy-genius Simmons is the world’s youngest gynecologist.

“It’s a little embarrassing sometimes,” said Dr. Simmons. “I had to pick a speciality when I was 12, and my advisor said I was too short to be a surgeon. My older brother told me to be a gynecologist, he said I would thank him later, and boy was he right. I’m the only gynecologist in town, so I’m pretty busy. I really love my work, and I don’t think I’ll get tired of it – especially during the annual high school physical time.”

“He’s a really good doctor, and you can tell he loves his work,” said patient Mary Muffin, 19. “Sure, he giggles at the start of every exam, but he is just a kid, after all. I think sometimes his hormones get the best of him, because he can’t stand up after the examination, but he will grow out of that. It’s worth the giggles and hormones, though, because his small fingers get the job done gently. I used to travel to another gynecologist two towns over, and he was old and gross, with nasty long fingers. Ew.”

“I’m very proud of my son, and we all knew he was special from a young age,” said Scott’s mother, Nancy. “He completed elementary school at 5, and he was done with high school by 7. College and medical school just came very naturally to him. I do wish he consulted me before picking his field though, as I would have suggested becoming a family practitioner, or maybe a podiatrist instead. The hardest part of having a son who is a gynecologist is probably the same every one every mother of a 14-year-old has, though – getting him to wash his hands before dinner.”

Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady Quits Team After Argument With Coach Belichick

Posted on January 20, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts –

After an argument with New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, quarterback Tom Brady walked out of a team meeting earlier today, packed up his personal belongings, and has shockingly quit the team.

Brady, in his fifteenth NFL season, reportedly got into a heated argument with Belichick just as a pre-Super Bowl team meeting was coming to a close, after the two disagreed on where to take the team out for dinner.

“It all started over where we were going to eat, to celebrate the AFC championship. Coach wanted to go to Benihana’s, and T-Dawg wanted to go to Zanzibar. Things spiraled out of control from there,” defensive tackle Vince Wilfork said. “But it wasn’t just about that. One thing led to another, and then they ended up fighting over which movie we would all go see tomorrow night. Coach wanted to see Into The Woods, and Tom wanted to see American Sniper. That argument is when things got real. T threw up his arms and said ‘I quit, let Jimmy play in the Super Bowl, I’m tired of winning them anyway, been there done that. Have fun.’ He then packed his things and left. It was some crazy shit.”

Tight end Rob Gronkowski said the two had been feuding all season over the smallest things. “It has been like this all season long. Anything they could possibly argue over, they have. One night they argued over the official name of a specific shade of the color blue in our logos, and damn near came to blows. I literally think they are both just sick and tired of winning,” Gronkowski added.

The Patriots, coming off a staggering lopsided victory where they beat the Indianapolis Colts 45-7 in the AFC championship, will take on the reigning Super Bowl champions, the Seattle Seahawks, on February 1st in the Super Bowl.

Dallas Police Department To Stop Using Guns, Will Use Alternative Methods To Subdue Criminals

Posted on January 19, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

DALLAS, Texas –

In a bold move, the Dallas Police Department has announced an unprecedented, creative, and groundbreaking strategic plan to curb the reputation of police abuse by taking firearms away from more than ten-thousand police officers.

Nationally respected and highly regarded Dallas Chief of Police, David Brown, made the surprising announcement earlier today at a press conference outside the Jack Evans Police Headquarters in downtown Dallas, home of the Dallas Police administration, as well as the Dallas Museum of Historical Artifacts.

“The entire world knows that here in Texas, the greatest and biggest state in the United States, that we do everything bigger than everybody else in the world. Here in Dallas, the greatest city in the greatest state, we are looked up to for our innovative ways,” said Brown. “Here at the Dallas Police Department, we set the standard for all police departments across the nation. Today I am very proud to stand before you and announce that we have continued this incredible legacy. Effective immediately, we have removed all firearms from all of our officers patrolling the streets of this great city.”

Brown went on to say that all street patrolling police officers were required to turn in their weapons, and will use alternative methods to subdue criminals when times on the beat get desperate.

“Officers will still be well equipped, armed with tasers, pepper spray, batons, blackjacks, brass knuckles, steel-toed boots – the list is quite long. New devices, including laser pointers with which they may temporarily blind violent criminals, will also be added to replace guns. For extreme cases, they will be given access by the Dallas Fire Department to all fire hydrants and hoses in the city, but only for when situations are crucial. They will have more than enough to operate an effective police department while continuing our reputation as the best police department in the world, as well as the most innovative,” Brown said.

Teen’s Dental Retainer Acts As Wi-Fi Hotspot

Posted on January 19, 2015 by DvanL

AKRON, Ohio –

Hal Dragna knew something was up when he noticed his 14-year-old daughter, Sally, using her smartphone in a place so remote, no cell phone service was available.

“We went on hiking vacation, and my wife and I asked the kids to leave their devices at home.” The family of four was on a three-day hiking trip through nearby West Branch State Park. “I wanted them to disconnect for a while.” Even though he knew his daughter and his 13-year-old son had brought their devices, he looked the other way.

“I walked up to them on day 2 to see if they were ‘ready to roll’ and got the shock of my life. They were online!” said Dragna.

Although the nearest cell phone tower and wi-fi hotspot was miles away, they were online and surfing. He questioned his kids and the answer he got was even more shocking. Daughter Sally’s new retainer, acting in conjunction with a few of her metallic fillings, were acting as a wi-fi hotspot.

“Sally told me that the night before, she couldn’t fall asleep because she kept hearing ‘radio noises’, and thought they were coming from her mouth,” said Dragna. “She was too afraid to say anything because she knew she wasn’t supposed to have her phone, plus she thought she was going crazy. She told her brother, but not me or her mother.”

“My mouth dropped open when I saw the signal, I was so excited,” said Sally, “and the bars jumped up from 2 to 5. I figured out when I opened my mouth the signal got stronger, and I knew it was my retainer. My grandfather told me about old radio sets he built where he used a spring mattress for a radio antenna, so I knew my new retainer had to be doing the same thing!”

“Crystal” radio sets were simple receivers, popular when radio communication was in its early days. They didn’t need a power source, and were activated by a wire antenna. The sound is weak compared to battery-powered sets, but could be heard by Sally, with her skull acting as an amplifier.

The phenomenon was short-lived, however. When the family returned from the trip, Sally went in for a scheduled dental adjustment, and her ‘radio days’ were over.

“It was fun while it lasted,” said Sally, “but my dad wont’ stop calling me ‘Radiohead.’ I think that was the name of an old band from the 90s or something. He’s worse than my brother sometimes,” she added.

Hasbro To Produce Jesus, Muhammad Action Figure Line

Posted on January 19, 2015 by Abe Abrams

PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island –

Let the battle for the heavenly kingdom begin! In a surprisingly anti-politically correct move, Hasbro has announced that they are going to begin selling Jesus and Muhammad action figures. The company says Jesus will have come in a play-set with 12 disciples, while Muhammad will come with his 9 wives.

“We’re pretty excited and nervous at the same time,” said Hasbro CEO Charles Cummings. “We’re excited for the new product line, and because kids all over the world will be battling for heavenly victory. Jesus and Muhammad will both come with Kung-Fu grip, and there will also be plenty of accessories including, tanks, fighter planes…plus AR15’s for the disciples and AK47’s for Muhammad’s wives.”

“We’re a bit nervous about the product line, because we know it’s going offend people. We have really beefed up security at our Pawtucket headquarters. We know that having only Jesus and Muhammad represented is discriminatory. If the product line does well, we do plan on expanding the line to include Buddha and whatever the hell it is that atheists worship.”

“It’s a rip off. Total junk – they’re just revamping GI Joe and Cobra Commander dolls,” said Carmine Classi, vintage toy collector. “I will get them, of course, when they go on sale. I’ll buy online, though, for sure. I wouldn’t feel safe going into a store that has the balls to put them on the shelves. No one is selling them yet, and that just makes me want them more.”

“So far, we can’t find anyone to sell them,” said Hasbro Marketing Executive Phil Phillips. “We really didn’t foresee this problem. Funny thing though – as it turns out, the Muslims are cool about it. Pictures of Muhammad are not cool, but action figures, I guess that’s alright. This time, it’s the religious right making all the noise to have the toys pulled. It must be the Jesus doll’s superpower of being able to turn water into grenades that’s getting them mad.”

Make-A-Wish Foundation Grants 9-Year-Old’s Wish To Direct Porno Film

Posted on January 19, 2015 by Abe Abrams

AKRON, Ohio –

The parents of a 9-year-old boy have filed a lawsuit against the ‘Make A Wish’ Foundation, claiming that the charity let their son direct a pornographic film.

“My son Joey’s wish was not to direct a porno film,” said Lisa Stevens. ”He’s only 9, for God’s sake. He doesn’t even know what a porno is. Michael Bay is his idol, and he wanted to help direct a Michael Bay film. He wanted to direct Transformers 5, not Transgenders 5. They’re telling me it was a mix up, but there’s no way they’re that stupid. This is an outrage!”

“The Make-A-Wish Foundation grants wishes, it’s what we do. We do our best to get the wish as close as possible, but some are harder than others. The truth is, Michael Bay is a busy man, and Transformers 5 isn’t even being made yet. The kid wanted to be a director, so we got him on a set to direct for a day,” says Make-A-Wish spokesperson Will Watson. “I want to make it clear that Joey did not see anything inappropriate. We had him direct the pizza delivery scene. You know, the one where the customer ‘didn’t have enough money to pay?’ It’s in every adult movie. Joey didn’t see anything bad, and he seemed happy to be directing. We really don’t know what the big deal is.”

“I wish my Mom wasn’t so mad,” said Joey. ”I had so much fun directing! I mean, it kinda stunk there were no robots, but everyone was really nice on the set. I learned a lot about directing, plus I learned how to get a pizza for free! The best part is, they said the one scene I filmed will be in thousands of movies. Forget Michael Bay, I want to be the next Max Hardcore!”