Cowboys Organization Fined For Sending Referees A ‘Thank You’ Basket After Beating Detroit Lions

Posted on January 13, 2015 by JP

DALLAS, Texas –

America’s team is making national sports news once again, after it was reported that the team is being charged with major fines from the NFL. The Dallas Cowboys pulled what the NFL Commission is calling a ‘cocky stunt’ after their play-off game against the Detroit Lions. The game involved what many people, including die-hard Cowboys haters, one of the worst play calls in sports history.

Referee Pete Morelli was officiating the game, and took back a crucial pass interference flag. If the play was held, the Lions would have been in scoring position, probably winning the game, and moving forward in the playoffs. Because of the call reversal, the Cowboys were put into a better position, and ended up taking the game from the Lions.

Fans speculated that Morelli was being paid off and he helped the Cowboys win the game. Normally, accusations like those happen mostly by big-mouthed internet trolls and random sports anchors, but in the end, fans understand that those are just accusations, or sports-related conspiracy theories.

In this case, though, referee Pete Morelli received a ‘Thank You’ basket, put together and sent by the Dallas Cowboys management. The gifts were said to be very expensive, including a gold and diamond watch, a 120-year-old bottle of bourbon, a cruise for 2 to the Bahamas, and the keys to a brand new Tesla Model S. A card that came with the items simply read “Thanks for giving us the game. We definitely couldn’t have done it without you. Love, Dallas.”

Morelli’s lawyer suggested he hand the gifts over to the NFL commission to avoid any chance of reprimand from the NFL. He did so, and the commission is investigating the incident, with possible major fines being levied on the Dallas owners.

Ben & Jerry’s Releases New Ice Cream Names, Flavors For 2015

Posted on January 12, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WATERBURY, Vermont –

It was just a few months ago that ice cream company Ben & Jerry’s, based in Vermont, had come under a media firestorm for their flavor called ‘Hazed & Confused,’ a hazelnut ice cream with a name referencing the popular 90s film Dazed and Confused.

Although the company clearly meant no harm in the naming, several people pointed out that the name could be seen as promoting ‘hazing’ in schools, and asked for its renaming or removal from stores.

Ben & Jerry’s, which is owned by Unilever, said that instead of changing the name of that ice cream to something else, they would keep it as ‘Hazed and Confused,’ and not give in to detractors. Just this week, they announced more new flavors headed to market very soon.

“We have a history of coming up with fun, creative, and delicious ice creams,” said Stuart Gould, a longtime employee of the company who helps create new flavors. “Sometimes they’re controversial, like ‘Shweddy Balls,’ the Saturday Night Live ice cream. That time, we did change the name. But others, like ‘Americone Dream’ or ‘Phish Food’, those are classics that everyone loves.”

Gould says that because of the controversy surrounding several of their flavors over the years, they have decided to create new flavors, and that they hoped that anyone who was turned off by their ice cream before over naming issues would be sure to buy a pint or two.

“We’re calling the flavor ‘Go Fudge Yourself,’ and it’s so tasty! It’s chocolate ice cream with chocolate walnut brownie and fudge pieces, with a caramel and fudge swirl. We hope that it really gets the point across about how much we don’t give a fudge about negative opinion.”

The company says that ‘Go Fudge Yourself’ will be available starting in February. Other flavors in the line will include ‘Eat Deez Nuts,’ a vanilla flavored ice cream with peanuts and almonds, and another simply titled ‘Non-offensive Pun You’ll No Doubt Bitch About,’ which is a pistachio ice cream with vanilla bean swirl and chocolate-covered coffee beans.

Manager Says Comedian Bill Cosby, 77, Has ‘Committed Suicide’

Posted on January 12, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

DETROIT, Michigan –

Acclaimed stand-up comedian and 80s TV star and actor Bill Cosby, 77, best know for his role as Cliff Huxtable on The Cosby Show, has reportedly ended his career in show business, after making what the media is calling ‘outrageous’ and ‘crude’ comments about his rape allegations.

After several women had come forward claiming that Cosby had sexually harassed or assaulted them, the once-loved comedian and 80s TV star had his life turned upside down. A new, planned TV series was cancelled, a Netflix stand-up special was postponed indefinitely, and even Nickelodeon pulled old episodes of The Cosby Show from its Nick At Night lineup.

Cosby has been heckled several times during his tour. In one performance, a man stood and shouted out to Cosby, “You’re a rapist!” before being removed from the theatre by security. During another performance in Hamilton, Ontario, several members of the audience stood in unison and chanted “We believe the women!”

The final straw reportedly came when, just a few nights ago during a performance, a tired-looking Cosby made a sly reference to a woman in the audience – who had stood up to get a drink during the show – by saying that women will have to ‘be careful’ if they’re drinking anything near him. The crowd reacted with oohs and ahhs, taken aback by the coarseness of the joke.

“I can’t believe he’d make light of raping women like that,” said Jamaica Brown, an audience member. “That’s just disgusting. I don’t know why I even wanted to see him anyway. He ain’t that funny without a Puddin’ Pop in his mouth.”

“I thought it was pretty funny, actually,” said Jim Duggins, who was at the theater to see the performance with his wife of 4 months, Melissa. “Oh, actually, my wife tells me that I was offended by the joke. Sorry, I guess I am upset by it. My wife says rape is never funny, so I’m mad now.”

Initially Cosby’s manager said that the comedian was just ‘overly tired,’ and that he didn’t mean what he said on stage, but then made an official statement this morning, claiming that there was no way that Cosby was ever going to recover from his actions as of late, and that the public would just continue to hate him.

“He didn’t quit the business, per se, but I’m pretty sure his career is just dead in the water after all this,” said Cosby’s manager. “He’s making jokes, on stage, about his rape allegations now. That’s the kind of thing that will kill you. He’s truly committed suicide at this point. Yes, everyone’s favorite sweater wearing TV dad has definitely committed career suicide.”

Professional Boxing Bans Punches To Face, Head; Commission To Allow Body Punches Only

Posted on January 12, 2015 by Abe Abrams

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

The Association of Boxing Commissions have made what many are calling a ‘giant leap forward’ for their sport, announcing today that they are implementing new rules that seeking to make boxing ‘more civilized.’ Stressing concussions and boxer safety as the main reason, punches to the head and face will no longer be allowed in professional boxing. Strikes to the face will also be banned in boxing gyms and amateur training facilities.

“Too many boxers are suffering in retirement because of years of concussions and blows to the face,” said Commissioner Marvin ’Marvelous’ Mayberry. “That is not what boxing should be about. Boxing is not about violence; boxing is a dance, it’s an art form. Boxing is two men dancing, hugging, learning each others moves and all that can be accomplished during the match. All these same aspects can be displayed even better if we just focus on punches to the body.”

“Truth is, the gyms are empty, no one wants to box anymore, all the real men are moving to MMA,” said Louie ‘Lefty’ Lavine, a former professional boxer who retired in 1993, and is now a boxing trainer. ”With all the real, tough guys doing MMA, boxing really doesn’t have anyone left who isn’t a Mama’s boy. I can’t say I agree with the new policy, though, of no punches to the face. As it is, I already see too many MMA fighters wearing ‘Boxing Is For Pussies’ T- Shirts.”

“I think it’s a wonderful idea! My husband and I have been looking for a new cardio workout for a while, but who wants to punch your lover in the face?” said Ron Feelmore, a sports enthusiast in San Fransisco. ”I mean, who doesn’t enjoy jumping rope, silk shorts, and gorgeous robes? The only thing that was stopping us from taking up boxing before was our perfect teeth and hair, but with no punches above the neck, now it’s a perfect sport. All the fellows at the YMCA want to give it a try now. I tell you, it’s going to be fabulous!”

Nicki Minaj Tells MTV Documentary Crew About Her Hardened Life of Crime

Posted on January 12, 2015 by Angela Baker

BRONX, New York –

In a new documentary, Nicki Minaj reveals just how far she had to go to live day-to-day before she made it to stardom. In MTV’s My Time Again, Minaj tells how she had to steal everything from bread to panties to survive.

“When I was a waitress at Red Lobster, I had to steal bread to eat from work,” said Minaj. “I’d stuff some biscuits into my apron, then I’d hide in a bathroom stall and stuff them into my face as fast as I could. They ended up firing me after a while. Not for the bread thing, though. Actually, that’s a pretty common thing for waitresses at most restaurants to do. They actually fired me because I was a rude bitch to customers. I lost about 15 jobs that way, no shit.”

Minaj, who now has her own line of branded clothing at K-Marts across the country, says the thinks it’s ‘super ironic’ that all these years later her face would be plastered throughout the stores.

“It’s funny how my life has turned around. I used to shoplift all my clothes from K-Mart, and now I have my own clothing line there. My face is all over the stores, but this time it’s on posters out front, not just on little Polaroids and blurry camera footage in the security office out back. I tell you, though, I had to swipe them. A girl goes through a hell of a lot of clothes trying to figure out the best way to look like you’re not wearing any clothes.”

Minaj, whose real name is Onika Tanya Maraj, says that although she may have had to resort to a life of crime growing up, she hopes that her fans don’t make the same mistakes.

“Of course I would never encourage any of my young fans to follow in my footsteps. On the other hand, my older fans can do whatever they want. But if you’re gonna shoplift, make sure you don’t get caught!”

Later, Minaj explains to the documentary crew about how she turned her life around before it was too late.

“I realized I didn’t want to be an alcoholic like my dad, wearing cheap lingerie or whatever. I needed to get serious about my career. That’s when I got on MySpace. Nothing says ‘serious about your career’ like a MySpace Music page. I guess it paid off, though. I got signed, I got off the streets. I didn’t have to sell my poon for money like a lot of friends I had growing up. Plus, I got to stop stuffing my face with stolen bread. Life just kind of fell into place after that.”

The documentary premiers on MTV January 18th at 10 PM, and is said to be an extremely intimate look into the superstar’s life.

2-Week-Old Baby Stuns Medical Community; Speaks In Full Sentences, Has Perfect English Skills

Posted on January 11, 2015 by JP

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

Two weeks ago, Carly Willis, 34, gave birth to a healthy baby boy she named Matthew. Born happy and healthy, the story takes an amazing turn, after it is being reported that the 2-week-old is already speaking, and in full sentences and perfect English.

Willis says she was in the living room of her home the day that she brought Matthew back from the hospital, and heard someone speaking in Matthew’s room down the hall.

“I was watching television in the living room after I put Matthew to bed. I started to drift off a bit myself, and at first I thought the noises were just the TV show I was watching. I awoke to someone screaming ‘Help me! Hey, I need some help in here!’ It scared me because it was coming from my son’s room,” said Willis. “I thought someone was in there with him.”

Willis says that when she went into his room, Matthew had a full diaper, and was asking her to help by changing him.

“I put a new diaper on him, and then he breathed out, like a huge sigh of relief, then said ‘Thanks, Mommy!’ I almost fainted, but I thought it’d be best to take him back to the hospital to make sure he was okay.”

Doctors at Huntsville Children’s Hospital were in shock to see Matthew speaking, and all say it is the most amazing thing that they’ve ever seen.

“I’ve been a doctor for over 15 years, and this is the most insane thing that I’ve ever seen,” said Dr. Ann Pooler. “Little Matthew speaks perfectly, in full sentences, with just a slight Southern drawl. It’s really kind of cute. He’s a little miracle.”

Representatives for the hospital say that they are working with specialists from around the world to better understand Matthew’s ability, and hope to find out how he is able to communicate so well at such a young age.

Pope Francis Praises Attack Of Charlie Hebdo, Demands Retraction After Media Reports He ‘Condemned’ Act

Posted on January 11, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

ROME, Italy –

Just moments after the celestial sky above gave way to sunrise above the sacred grounds of the Vatican this morning, Pope Francis has demanded a retraction from media outlets worldwide, after they mistakenly reported that the Pontiff ‘condemned’ the attacks on Paris’ Charlie Hebdo.

His Excellency issued a shocking statement of approval regarding the deadly terror attack on the French satirical newspaper that killed at least twenty-two people. The Vatican’s chief spokesman, the Reverend Federico Lombardi, shared the Pope’s written statement to the media this morning, asking all publications who wish to re-print it word-for-word.

Lombardi appeared ridden with anxiety, sweating profusely amongst the vast sea of media representatives and diplomats from around the globe, as he presented the Pope’s opinions on the vicious attacks.

“Religion shall not be immune to extreme criticism, but its opponents should use rational critique as opposed to mindless mockery in the form of so-called satire. Rational critique can be constructive, building foundations of faith, while senseless disrespectful mockery is detrimental to worldly community cohesion. Those who poke at the ribs of Christ shall face the ultimate consequence of their actions.

Charlie Hebdo deserved the onslaught of terror they have endured for mocking the son of God, as fate has proven. Those who take part in the belittling of Our One True religion will pay the ultimate price at the hands of any forces necessary, whether holy or evil, the work shall be done as a warning to all. This was not about harm at the hands of a vengeful people who worship Muhammad, a false prophet, but an act of a vengeful God, the God, who is tired of ridicule at the hands of the people.

The world has seen the wrath of God, and have learned something from this unfortunate, but inevitable, attack. This is our new world, based on the rules we have undeniably changed. The apocalyptic crusades have come to fruition.”

The statement resonated with apocalyptic-like sentiment, suggesting the Catholic Church’s approval of evil forces, such as the Muslim extremists who carried out the attack, to fight for the sake of belief against all non-believing propaganda, with the results benefiting the Catholic Church.

Pope Francis has been known as the most lenient and unconditionally loving pope in history. Some believe he had simply been playing the role of a master strategist, acting as a paper-tiger, while awaiting the birth of the apocalypse.

The decision to have spokesman Lombardi present the statement, as opposed to the Pope himself, who has not been seen publicly since its release, has ignited profound suspicions of conspiracy.

Victim Of George Zimmerman Domestic Assault Identified As 22-Year-Old Live-In Boyfriend

Posted on January 11, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LAKE MARY, Florida –

George Zimmerman was arrested on Friday, January 9th and charged with aggravated assault and domestic violence with a weapon after an argument.

Today, the name of the victim and his relation to Zimmerman were released to the public. The victim, identified as Zimmerman’s 22-year-old live-in boyfriend, Hector Valenzeula, suffered severe facial injuries and is in stable condition at St. Lucia & Mary’s Hospital.

Police received a call after a concerned neighbor heard the two men arguing very loudly and repeated loud crashing noises. Upon arrival, police officers reportedly found Zimmerman on top of the victim, striking him repeatedly with a miniature Louisville Slugger baseball bat, which was covered in Valenzeula’s blood.

The 31-year-old Zimmerman became a nationally known controversial figure in 2012, after he saw Trayvon Martin, a 17-year-old African-American boy wearing a hooded sweatshirt in his Sanford, Florida, neighborhood. Zimmerman confronted Martin and wound up shooting and killing the unarmed teen. After an extremely high-profile case, which was racially delicate, Zimmerman was found not guilty.

According to Lake Mary Police Department spokesperson Rochelle McCaffrey, Valenzeula and Zimmerman had been fighting after Valenzeula allegedly walked in on Zimmerman and two other men taking part in activities of a sexual nature. The two men, unnamed in the case, immediately fled the residence, leaving Valenzeula and Zimmerman alone. Shortly after, the alleged assault took place.

“He isn’t a boyfriend, though,” said Zimmerman in an interview with police detectives. “It’s true he stays at the house, but he’s more of a live-in, uh, gardener. Yeah, that’s it. He’s a live-in gardener! And uh, a cook! Absolutely no sexual things happen between myself and Mr. Valenzeula. He merely trims my hedges and tosses my salads. That’s all.”

Zimmerman is currently being held on $20,000 bond at John E. Polk Correctional Facility ran by the Seminole County Sheriffs Department.

‘Frozen’ Superfan Finds Sexual Subliminal Message Hidden in Disney Film

Posted on January 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUGUSTA, Maine –

A self-professed ‘super-fan’ of the Disney film Frozen said that he has found what he believes to be a graphic sexual innuendo hidden in the film in a form of subliminal messaging.

“It was on my 148th viewing of the film when I first noticed that there was something just not quite right in one of the scenes,” said Marcus Snow. “I’ve been watching the movie at least once a day since it came out to own, sometimes even more than once. I love that movie, and there’s no way I could ever ‘Let It Go.'”

Snow says that while watching the movie, he paused it briefly to use the bathroom, and when he came back, he was very surprised at what he saw on his screen.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Snow. “I’ve watched the movie so many times, but I just happened to pause at just the right second. I sat down, and was about to hit play, and my jaw just dropped. I know that Disney is notorious for putting little dirty things into their movies, but this was just beyond what I could have ever imagined being snuck into a children’s movie.”

As Snow mentioned, Disney has been known in the past to sneak adult, or sexual, innuendos into some of their cartoons over the years. Aside from the obvious jokes that go above some younger children’s heads, there have also been instances of real nudity, such as the few frames of a topless woman in the background of the 1977 film The Rescuers, or hidden words, such as SEX spelled out in grass during the film The Lion King.

“This clearly tops the little things they hid or were supposedly found in their older movies,” said Snow. “I’ve been in love with Disney movies since I was three, and I was about 9-years-old when I first noticed that huge, veiny penis on the cover of The Little Mermaid VHS box. I think that this is even dirtier and just almost too extreme. It’s scandalous in my opinion, because this movie is more popular with young kids than Mermaid was, so this has more opportunity to be seen. I just know that it’s mind-boggling that they would resort to such crude, tasteless humor, even if it is only an inside joke among the animators.”

Disney refused to comment on any possible adult innuendos made in Frozen, and continues to deny allegations about discreet references in previous films.

"I couldn't believe what I saw when I paused this scene," said Mark Snow, 'Frozen' super-fan. — “I couldn’t believe what I saw when I paused this scene,” said Marcus Snow, ‘Frozen’ super-fan. “It’s crazy, and disturbing.” [CLICK TO ENLARGE]

Kindergarten Teacher In Hot Water After Having Students Draw Pictures Of Muhammad

Posted on January 9, 2015 by Angela Baker

ATLANTA, Georgia –

After finding out what their children have been drawing in class, some parents are threatening to pull their children out of Peach Street Kindergarten in Atlanta, Georgia. Teacher Mary Christian says she has been having the children draw pictures of Muhammad, and that it is ‘all in good fun,’ and a great way for her class to rally behind the massacre at France’s Charlie Hebdo satirical magazine.

“We’ve been doing a unit on other parts of the world, and the kids had just learned about the Eiffel Tower when the terrorists attacked France. Now the kids are hearing things like ‘Terror in Paris’ on TV, and naturally they started asking questions. One of the students asked me, ‘Mrs. Christian, what made these men so angry?’ So this new unit was to help them understand religions.”

Six-year old student Ben explained his thoughts about the drawing classes to The Georgian Gazette Daily News. “Muhammad really doesn’t like having his picture taken, I guess, so I asked Mrs. Christian if we could draw him. My Mom gets really angry if you take her picture, too, but she always puts the pictures I draw of her on our refrigerator. I’m glad mommy doesn’t have guns when she gets mad.”

When asked if she knows who Muhammad is, kindergartener Crystal said that he was part of other people’s “wrong beliefs.”

“Mrs. Christian told us Muhammad is like Jesus in the part of the world Aladdin is from, but he’s got a big beard like Santa,” said Crystal. “I drew my Muhammad with a blue beard, because blue is my favorite color.”

Christian says she doesn’t know what people are so upset about. “I think it is important for kids to know about other religions, so they can understand how stupid they are. Someday they will learn all about Jesus in Sunday school, but I can at least start them early in understanding that Muhammad isn’t real, and Jesus was. Personally, I support Charlie Hebdo, and the job they’ve done in mocking these horrible, sickening religions. I hope that they come back from their troubles and don’t lose their religious edge.”

School officials say they are “looking into the matter,” but so far they have not fired or suspended the teacher from her position.