Man With World’s Largest DVD Collection Can’t Find A Thing To Watch

Posted on September 13, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHOENIX, Arizona –

“It’s just the most obnoxious thing, really,” said Derek Davis, Guinness World Record holder for most DVDs in a private home library. “I own more movies than anyone on the planet, yet I just can’t find a thing to watch. It’s really frustrating.”

Davis’ love of collecting movies started nearly a decade ago, when he ran across a video store that was going out of business. “I stopped in on a whim, hoping they’d have my favorite movie, Cinema Paradiso, for cheap. Sadly, they didn’t, but that stop began years of collecting. I’d never seen so many movies at such attainable prices!”

Davis says he ended up walking out of the video store with over 200 movies in that one day, and because of the liquidation pricing, he paid only about $7. “It was really dumb luck, you know? Of course, it also has also really put a damper on wanting to spend any ‘real’ money when I buy a movie. That first trip cost me about 3 pennies a flick. Makes it awfully hard to go out and drop $20 on a new movie, you know?”

Over the course of time, though, Davis has certainly picked up a few movies. His collection, which is meticulously organized by genre and then listed alphabetically, compromises many different forms of media, including old-school VHS and Betamax, as well as Laserdiscs, DVDs, and Blu-rays. His collection has been ranked by Guinness as the biggest private collection in the world, at just about 189,000 films. Unfortunately for him, having that many films at his disposal makes it horribly difficult to choose what to watch.

“You know how a regular person maybe has a handful of movies to watch, and still sometimes they can’t decide what to go with? Imagine magnifying that problem by a hundred, or even a thousand,” says Davis. “It’s just horrible. I have people over to watch a movie, but we end up spending the whole night debating what to watch, and never even get to the film. It’s causing problems with my friends. They don’t even want to come over for fear of staying up until the wee hours of the morning just debating between whether to watch Re-Animator or Punch Drunk Love.”

“I used to love going to Derek’s house to watch movies, back when we were in high school,” says best friend Rob Pooler. “Back then, he only owned 3 movies – Back to the Future, Jurassic Park, and BMX Bandits. We didn’t have to spend hours deciding what to watch. We normally would just stay up all night and watch all three. Those were the days.”

Pooler says that now, a visit to Davis’ house is like a walk through the most intimidating video store you’ll ever see.

“Oh yeah. Going in there, it’s like a f—— Blockbuster on crack,” says Pooler. “God, Remember Blockbuster? I’d love to go back to those days. Even they didn’t have this kind of selection. Life was grand back then.”

“If you want to be the biggest and the best,” says Davis, “sometimes you have to pay the price. My price is that I own more films than God himself, yet haven’t watched a movie in 8 months. The massive overwhelming nature of the collection, it’s just too much to sort through. On the other hand, being too lazy to choose a movie to watch has given me something good in return – Now I’m able to catch up on all the seasons of Sons of Anarchy on Netflix!”

Garage Mechanic Charged With Battery

Posted on September 13, 2014 by DvanL

NORTH AURORA, Illinois –

Garrett Nelson should be at work at Bates Auto Body in North Aurora, Illinois, but instead, he’s in a holding cell with bruised knuckles and a sprained ankle.

Aurora Beacon-News’ local crime reporter, Peter Lazenby, discovered the 38-year-old Nelson sitting by himself in the holding cell, and decided to strike up a conversation.

“It was obvious he had gotten into a fight,” said Lazenby. “He was pretty bruised up. I told him I was a reporter and he said he knew my name because he reads my ‘Pete’s Beat’ police blotter column. Our talk turned into an interview, so I ended up doing a human-interest story on him. Turns out this guy really has led an interesting life. Also the fact that a mechanic was charged with battery – I mean the thing practically wrote itself!”

Lazenby shared a section of the conversation with Empire News.

Peter Lazenby: Do you mind if I ask what happened?

Garrett Nelson: I took a swing at a guy who was trying to tell me how to do my job.

PL: Where do you work?

GN: Bates Auto Body on River Road.

PL: How did the fight start?

GN: I promised to have this guy’s car finished by 3:00, but things got backed up since a school bus packed full of singing nuns broke down right in front of the shop. I spent about 2 hours fixing them up, so then the guy comes back and asks me how come his car isn’t ready.

PL: Did you tell him about the singing nuns?

GN: Yeah, but he said it wasn’t his problem. He was this suit-and-tie guy, on his phone the whole time, kinda rude. Then he says he had a cousin who’s a mechanic and I was working too slow.

PL: Why didn’t the guy just go to his cousin?

GN: That’s what I asked him and it kind of ticked him off. I told him we had a waiting room, but he said he’d rather ‘keep an eye on me out here.’ That’s just how he said it: ‘keep an eye on me.’ Well, that really frosted my ass. What did he think was I gonna do? Take a dump in his car or something? So he keeps on staring, and the next thing I know, I’m swinging at him; he’s swinging at me — he calls the police, but guess who gets stuck in here — me!”

Barrett was charged with simple battery and was confident he would be released soon.

“One customer who comes in to my shop all the time with his hybrid, he’s a lawyer, so I called him up,” said Barrett. He brings his car in at least once a month. God, those hybrids are crap on 4 wheels! Anyway, I heard him say something about ‘dropping the charges,’ so I think I’ll be out of here soon. The guy who I took a poke at left about a half hour ago.”

Barrett was released an hour later in a better mood than when he arrived.

“Hey, am I gonna be famous?” he joked, limping out of the police station. “I never thought I’d be reading about me like this! I might turn into a big-time celebrity!”

“Careful what you wish for!” answered Lazenby.

Lazenby’s full article will appear in this Sunday’s Beacon-News as a special feature to ‘Pete’s Beat.’

V.P. Joe Biden Still Missing One Week After Initiating Game Of Hide-N-Seek At White House

Posted on September 13, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After encouraging White House staff to take part in a fun game of hide-n-seek a week ago, Vice President Joe Biden remains somewhere in hiding. During today’s morning press briefing, Press Secretary Josh Earnest was asked where Biden had been all week.

“We have no idea. Last time we saw Joe he got everybody involved in this elaborate game of hide-n-seek, and insisted he would come out the winner. That was a week ago today. The man has a competitive spirit that is out of this world. He will pop up eventually,” Earnest said.

It is not uncommon for Biden to lead White House staff into late night adventures of extreme games during after hours. Last month Biden came up with the idea to have Halloween in August for all staffers, and made it mandatory for them to dress up and take part in a White House wide game of ‘Zombie Paintball War.’ The object of the game, to make it until sunrise with two or less paintball hits. Chief of Staff, Denis McDonough teamed with Dr. Jill Biden and Senior Advisor Valerie Jarrett for the victory. An argument ensued after Vice President Biden claimed that the winning team had cheated and did not speak to his wife for three days and slept on the sofa in the Deputy Chief of Staffs office.

After the argument over what was supposed to be a fun game, President Obama said that he called Biden into the Oval office for a long talk. “I said, ‘Now Joe, it is just a game. You all need to learn to play nice and act like big kids. I know you like to win, but you aren’t always going to win. You can’t just go accusing everyone of cheating.’ I then looked him in the eye and said, ‘Now who is my #1 Joe? You are!’ I even pulled out my rolled up Slip-N-Slide, which I always keep hidden from him in the Resolute desk, and I let him take it into the hallways to play. I tell you, he lit up like a Christmas tree. He is a sensitive, yet strong man,” Obama said.

“I know one thing, he sure schooled us on this game of Hide-N-Seek,” said Earnest. “That’s just the kinda guy he is, a real gamer. Soon he will emerge from the bowels of the White House with some crazy idea, that’s why we love him.”

No word on whether anyone had thought to walk around the White House yelling ‘Olly olly oxen free’ to try to coax Biden out of his hiding spot.

Tiger Woods To Announce Retirement From PGA Tour To Focus On Miniature Golf Career

Posted on September 13, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

JUPITER ISLAND, Florida –

Earlier today golf legend, sports insider, and course designer Jack Nicklaus revealed to Empire News that after a long discussion with Tiger Woods, Woods told Nicklaus that he was 95% certain that he would retire from the Professional Golf Association (PGA) Tour to pursue a professional career in what he called his number-one passion – miniature golf.

“I thought he was joking at first, then he started rambling about how mini-golf is what made him fall in love with golf as a child, he said it was all about fun back then. Then he started rambling off about all these international miniature golf tournaments and the his ideas about joining the U.S. Pro Mini-Golf Association,” Nicklaus said.

Woods, the number one PGA player during 2013, has had a dismal fall in rankings while being plagued by chronic back pain, and currently is ranked as the 201st best player in the world. In his seven 2014 PGA starts he has placed in the top 25 only once.

Nicklaus, a longtime friend, mentor, and critic of Woods went on to say that Tiger insisted he was not leaning toward retirement because of the back injury.

“He told me that he knows if he truly wanted to, he could come back and be one of the top players in 2015, but it just isn’t fun to him anymore, not like mini-golf. He insisted that putt-putt has always been his passion, but while under constant pressure from all of his endorsements, he simply could not pursue a professional career. Now he knows what he wants and he is going for it,” Nicklaus added.

Empire News contacted USPMGA President Ballard Little, and he would neither confirm nor deny rumors that Tiger Woods will be joining the mini-golf circuit. “I can tell you that Tiger is a great friend of mine, and we have burned up the mini-links together several times, but I am in no position to make an announcement at this time. I will say that on a personal and professional level, he would be great for the sport and it would surely gain in popularity tremendously throughout the entire United States, and even the world over, if he were to begin seriously competing. And that is all I will say about that!” Little said with a hint of bottled up excitement.

Woods has 79 PGA tour wins in a career spanning from 1992 to 2014, and has accumulated over $109 million dollars in earned winnings. Quite the résumé for a budding pro mini-golf superstar.

When Nicklaus was asked when Woods would go public with the news, he said, “I assume he’s just waiting for the right time. I suspect that he is holding off until the mini-golf related endorsement deals to be worked out. Personally, I think he will make it official before the holidays.”

Reportedly, Woods is seeking endorsement deals from Tacki-mac, the leading manufacturer of mini-golf clubs and grips, as well as Toys ‘R’ Us and Pirates Cove Adventure Golf.

Dennis Rodman Claims He Was Abducted By Aliens Twice During NBA Career

Posted on September 12, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Controversial ex-NBA star Dennis Rodman said in a radio interview on Louisville sports station WKRD 790 AM that he was abducted by aliens twice during his NBA career. While on the road promoting his soon-to-be-released biography, The Constant Rebound, Rodman, for the first time, spoke about being abducted by aliens.

“I was playing for the Spurs in 1993 and I was abducted by aliens two different times during the off-season,” Rodman said casually while being asked about his antics on and off the court. Thinking that Rodman was joking, sports talk show host Tony ‘Birdman’ Griffith immediately laughed during the live interview. “No, I’m completely serious, and for the first time ever, I am coming forward and announcing it. I have been dealing with it for years and there are others out there afraid to say anything, so on their behalf I wish to come forward,” Rodman said adamantly. “The world noticed a drastic change in my behavior when I was a player, and later on when I tried my hand at acting – which I sincerely apologize for, by the way – and it’s high-time I admit that my behavior was a direct result of my alien abductions.”

Griffith then apologized for laughing, and commented by saying, “Oh my God, you are serious, I’m so sorry. So how did this affect your basketball career?”

“They did something to me, and I don’t mean via anal probes necessarily, and it actually seemed to help my game and opened my mind as a human being. I was scared to death when it happened, and I still have dreams about it every night, but I honestly think [the aliens] are here to help us. The problem is that the people who are abducted have a hard time understanding and coping with it, most keep it a secret. I kept it a secret because I was afraid people would think I was, ironically enough, crazy,” Rodman said.

Rodman went on to say the alien abductions are brought up in detail in the book, which has not yet been released. “This is only my second interview promoting the book, I figured I need to get that off my chest sooner rather than later. My book will be released sometime in January. My agent figured that we should get a jump on promotion, he knew I was nervous about what people would think of me,” Rodman told Griffith. “If you get my book when it comes out, you will read all about it, we don’t have enough time to get into it anymore today. My time in North Korea was related to the abductions, but I am not prepared to talk about that right now. So don’t ask,” Rodman added, referring to his bizarre trips to North Korea to meet with leader Kim Jong-un.

Griffith immediately went on to change the subject of North Korea and asked Rodman about the three championships he won with the Chicago Bulls from 1995-1998. “So you are in Chicago playing with Jordan and Pippen with Phil Jackson as your coach, what was that like? What was the team chemistry like on that team during the three-peat run?” Griffith asked.

“It was the only time in my career that I felt like I was understood. Phil Jackson knew how my mind worked and got the best out of me. He was more of a friend than a coach. It was great playing with all those guys, something that will stay with me the rest of my life,” Rodman replied.

The official release date of the book has not been set, however it is expected to hit bookshelves sometime in January.

Novelty Parakeet Maker Sued After Cat Ingests Realistic Plastic Toy

Posted on September 12, 2014 by DvanL

FAIRFIELD, New Jersey –

Have you seen the commercial for the ‘perfect’ pet? It’s not a dog, it’s not a goldfish – it’s not even living! It’s ‘Pretty Much Polly,’ the plastic parakeet that can ‘provide hours of fun, just like the real thing!’

Polly’s colors are vibrant. From a distance, you’d never be able to tell the difference between an actual bird and a mass-produced extruded glob of spray-painted plastic, popped out of a mold in far away China, shipped to America to satisfy the gaping maws of hungry toy consumers, begging for the latest electronic plaything.

Even cats want to get their paws on Polly. Sadly, one curious kitten did just that, and Pretty Much Polly turned out not to be the perfect Polly toy for the small kitty.

TeleToy Corporation INC., distributor of Pretty Much Polly, has been named as defendant in a lawsuit filed by Edna Wannamaacher on behalf of Mittens Wannamaacher. Lawyers and insiders are saying that the case, Mittens Wannamaacher v. TeleToy INC., could be a game-changer.

“Mittens was my newest best friend,” said self-described “cat lady” Edna Wannamaacher during the trial. “He followed me everywhere. One day, I was pouring foundation for that new development over by Harbor Road and Mittens kind of adopted me. Next thing I knew, he was my newest roommate! He followed me home. I don’t know what he saw in me, but I guess he knew he’d feel at home.”

“Cats are inherently curious, we all know that,” said Allison Sandy, counsel for TeleToy, “and in this case, Mittens’ curiosity indeed did kill her, just as the biblical parable says. ‘Polly Wannamaacher’, as she called the toy, and TeleToys, should in no way be held liable for the unfortunate accident that took place. We are not responsible for any damages.”

“Objection, your honor,” shouted Edna’s nephew, Dewey Wannamaacher, during closing arguments. When Dewey was reminded that he was not an attorney and that closing arguments can not be interrupted, he begged for the court’s mercy, asking that his statement be heard and entered into the record. The request was granted over Sandy’s objections.

“My aunt is not a crazy cat lady. She does not train her cats to use the toilet like some nuts. In fact, she has opted herself to just use clumping litter along with her friends instead. A lot of slanderous things have been said about her in court today. Yes, she once took a selfie for Cat Fancy magazine, showing her eating from a bowl of Meow Mix with a slew of cats, but it was just for fun. Sadly, that photograph has now come to haunt our family nine-times over. It’s on the Internet, and…well, people can be so cruel. By my aunt is a wonderful person, and this case should not be about her life, but rather the life, and death, of Mittens Wannamaacher.”

“Millions of toy makers and yarn manufacturers could face loss of livelihoods,” countered Sandy. “Even the entire string industry could be wiped out over a case like this. Is that fair? I think not. We all love cats, yes, but also — members of the jury — I implore you — also think of the sheep. There’s more at stake here than just the future of one toy line. It’s the future of the entire cat industry! This could set a precedent that could potentially wipe out laser pointers and catnip manufacturers as well.”

“Oh, I’d hate to put people out of work,” said Edna, as the jury deliberated for a second day. “A lot of my friends work with toys and string. But what about Mittens? Who is going to speak for her? She was just following her natural instincts and look where she ended up? Dead and under the recliner, that’s where. Mittens would have been better off left in that construction lot, looking back on it.”

Unofficial reports have surfaced hinting that the jury may be deadlocked.

“I took a good look at the jury, said Wannamaacher. “I think half of them are dog people, and the other half are cat people. I hope we win. For the love of Mittens, I hope we win.”

Kellogg’s To Change Name Of Rice Krispies In Lieu Of Ray Rice Controversy

Posted on September 12, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

BATTLE CREEK, Michigan –

It seems that everyone is talking about football player Ray Rice’s scandal after video footage of the NFL football star knocking out his then fiancée was released to the public last week. Today the Kellogg’s brand, who makes the cereal Rice Krispies (the iconic cereal released in 1928) and Rice Krispies Treats (released in 1995) announced that the topic has become so talked about in the media, that it has affected the sales of the cereal. The company has ultimately decided that drop the word “Rice” from their name.

Kellogg’s spokesperson Lesley Davidson told the Associated Press this morning that due to the drastic decline in sales they will be changing the name of the cereal to Kracklin’ Krispies, the treats will be named Kracklin’ Krispies Treats.

“Marketing is a funny thing. We know that it seems a bit ridiculous that the Ray Rice story would affect a brand of cereal, but it has. People relate words to either negative or positive images in the back of their subconscious minds,” said Davidson. “Think of how Kentucky Fried Chicken became KFC when the word “fried” starting having all sorts of negative connotations in a health-concious market. This is very similar. Sales in the past week have shown a dramatic drop-off in purchases of Rice Krispies and Rice Krispies Treats because of the Ray Rice Scandal. Marketing experts have it down to a science and it has been proven that certain words and names of products will trigger an impulse to buy or not to buy a product. An immediate change was deemed necessary, so our board of trustees voted on a name change.”

While serving what was a two-game suspension handed down by National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell, Rice was released by the Baltimore Ravens on September 8, 2014 after the public release of video of the brutal assault on his then-fiancée, who is now his wife. The surveillance video from the elevator they were in shows Rice punching and knocking her out, then dragging her limp body out of the elevator. After the video was released, the NFL announced that Rice would suspended indefinitely. The Ravens then pulled all merchandise bearing his name off shelves, and his former high school, Rochelle High School in New York removed his jersey and pictures from various display cases throughout the school. Rutgers University, where he played college football, has since done the same.

When asked if the name change of the cereal was permanent, Davidson stated that it would remain effective for the foreseeable future. “We will cross that bridge when we get to it. If at some point the American public stops thinking of the word rice in a negative way, we may consider it, but for now a new marketing campaign for Kracklin‘ Krispies is being launched at full force,” he responded.

Ray Rice has been losing endorsement deals since the scandal hit. He was previously endorsed by the Otis elevator company, for whom he had appeared in live in person via presentation to large, and up and coming corporations and companies. Earlier this week he was dropped as their spokesperson. It has also been stated that legendary NFL and former San Francisco Forty-Niners great Jerry Rice is considering legally changing his name to just “Jerry.”

Other companies and products, including Uncle Ben’s White Rice and Rice-a-Roni, are also considering name changes to distance themselves from any controversy.

Hoveround Designs Mobility Skateboard For Active Seniors

Posted on September 11, 2014 by DvanL

SARASOTA, Florida –

Hoveround, manufacturer of best-selling power chairs and scooters, announced today a brand new family of mobility devices aimed at the more active, sports-minded consumer.

The ‘Skate-A-Round’ product line was unveiled at the 10^th Annual Mobility Product Showcase held at Sarasota’s Municipal Auditorium.

“Our customers have come to rely on the dependability, safety and convenience of our scooters and wheelchairs,” said Boyd Miller, Hoveround Mobility Specialist. “More and more seniors are living longer and leading more active lives, and we received a few feisty letters and emails asking us for more exciting products.”

71-year-old Preston Jacobs attended the mobility showcase and eagerly volunteered to demonstrate the new Skate-A-Round. “It’s great!” said the retired tennis instructor. “I was what you call an all-around athlete. I played tennis, I swam, I enjoyed skateboarding and baseball — I once pitched a no-hitter in a celebrity all-star game for charity. I struck out Hank Aaron! He ran over and shook my hand. He sends me a Christmas card every year! Extraordinary guy!”

Jacobs demonstrated the electrically powered skateboard for the convention’s visitors. “First, you gotta snap down these 2 training wheel brackets on each side by stepping on this bar. Then you grab onto the handle where the activity lever is. You lean back on the seat, push the ‘up’ handle to go forward, and the ‘down’ handle to go back. It’s like being a kid again,” he said, as he sped from one product booth to another.

Another mobility product manufactured under the Skate-A-Round brand is the ‘Hipster,’ a wraparound device powered by 4 in-line skates attached to a specially modified walker.

“The Hipster is designed for the active senior who wants to feel a bit more stable,” explained Miller. “The belted waistband wraps and snaps around the lower body like a girdle, so there’s no fear of losing your balance, and possibly breaking a hip. Active seniors can still enjoy the full skateboard experience without the anxiety.”

“We’re excited to offer new options for our more active customers,” said Miller. Look at the crowd around our booth! This looks like another top-selling line for us!”

“I’ll be right back,” said Miller, rushing off. “I lost track of Mr. Jacobs. The last time I saw him he was doing a tailstop in front of The ‘Little Rascal’ scooter booth. They’re our largest competitor. I don’t want them studying our product too closely!”

Paranormal Investigators Confirm Poltergeist Possession of Microwave

Posted on September 11, 2014 by Angela Baker

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Homeowner Bill Michaud says, “It started with random beeping. One time it went off like the food was done, and when I looked over, the damn thing was still going and said 6:66.” Unfortunately for Michaud and his family, this spooky occurrence was just the beginning of a long, kitchen-appliance nightmare.

“We found [the microwave] in the attic when we moved in a few months back. Didn’t have one, so figured, ‘what the hell,’ might as well try it,” says Michaud. “I tell you, the thing heats up the food real nice. Sometimes it beeped or turned itself off in the middle of cooking, though. Then really weird things started happening. It zapped at food as if we were putting shards of metal in it. I couldn’t figure it out.”

His wife Betty adds, “It turns on by itself. It turns off by itself, too. It’s like it’s messing with me. No matter how many times I popped the door shut, the minute I leave the room it pops open again. One night, really late, I walk into the kitchen and I’m about to open the fridge, and the microwave door flies open, lighting the whole kitchen up in a horrible, scary lightning-blue color. It’s like it wanted to electrocute me.”

The Michauds contacted the Kansas Ghost Hunter group right away. Founder Kevin Young was eager to study both the microwave and the entire home in general.

“The Michauds didn’t want to go without a microwave, or risk upsetting the spirit by taking it out of the house. We obtained permission to stay the night and study the phenomena in its natural environment,” said Young. “My wife, who is also on my squad, is highly empathic. As we warmed up TV dinners in the microwave, she sensed a presence. As soon as she mentioned it, the microwave started beeping repeatedly. The door flung open, and my Hungry Man dinner went flying across the room. We pressed the off button. We unplugged it. It beeped several times after we cut off the power. Of course our digital recording became corrupted, which often happens when there is such strong energy.”

Young called in paranormal investigator, and self-proclaimed authority on mechanical-possession, Carl Richards. He believes it is not a ghost, but a poltergeist that takes possession of the microwave.

“I followed the situation that the Michauds were facing from the beginning, as they posted their disturbances on Facebook. I keep an eye on all local ghost-hunter hobbyists and groups,” said Richards. “The EMF readings confirmed this supernatural manifestation is a poltergeist. I have seen poltergeists occupy washers, TVs, electric heaters, but this is the first time I have seen microwave possession first-hand.”

When Richards was asked if the Michauds should get a new microwave , he advised, “It is important to remember, the malevolent presence does not strictly ‘live in’ the microwave. Getting rid of the machine will not solve the problem. It has the ability to travel throughout the electrical wiring in the house.”

“It is best not to engage the being,” continued Young. “Try not to be fearful. Always remain calm. If you’re facing a poltergeist in your kitchen devices, just ignore its outbursts, and it will not be able to feed off your energies.”

Betty Michaud agrees with Young’s advice. “I think he knows what he’s talking about. It didn’t start getting really bad until we paid attention to it. Now we just ignore it like we would ignore a child’s temper-tantrum, and it still randomly shuts off or zaps from time to time, but nothing really serious. It still heats up our leftovers like a champ, too.”

KKK Wizard Tries Using Klan Membership Card To Get Bleach Discount At Grocery Store

Posted on September 10, 2014 by DvanL

LEOMA, Tennessee –

Imperial Wizard William Sanders, of the Tennessee Chapter of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan, attempted use his Klan membership card in order to receive a discount at a local grocery chain for a large order of bleach he was purchasing for his local chapter’s use.

“He came up to the counter with a shopping cart all filled up with bleach bottles,” recalls cashier Trelaine Mumford, “and he asked me if I could give him a discount since he was buying so many.”

The store was running a “buy one, get one free” special with a limit of 1 offer per person, explained Mumford. “The manager set that up, and I couldn’t go against the policy. He [Sanders] handed me a card and I thought at first he was showing me his bonus points savings card, but it was a membership card to the Klan instead. He asked me if it would work to get a discount for the bleach, and that’s when I had to go ask the manager.”

“I talked to the store manager who I knew from around town, but he’s not part of our Klavern,” said Sanders. A “Klavern” in KKK terminology, is a local branch or meeting place for members of the controversial organization, classified as a hate group by the Anti-Defamation League and the Southern Poverty Law Center.

“He denied me the discount,” Sanders said, “and right then and there I felt discriminated against. My rights were violated as a pure American customer and public citizen.”

“We have to look our best,” continued Sanders. “Our whites have to look bright. The economy’s real bad around here these days, so I try to save money everywhere I can, just like everybody else does. I don’t think it’s fair to deny something to one group just because you don’t think the same way they do,” he added.