Grocery Store Produce Manager Purposely Bruises Fruits, Vegetables To Get Discount

Posted on August 22, 2014 by DvanL

NAPERVILLE, Illinois –

Security cameras positioned throughout the aisles of a local Jewel-Osco supermarket recently recorded shocking and disturbing acts of abuse.

This kind of news would prove devastating for any business, especially if that business was located in a city ranked by Money Magazine as one of the top 5 places to live in the U.S. — a reputation Naperville, IL proudly boasts.

Although the victims were defenseless, no one is rushing to notify the authorities. The only government officials who might express concern would be employees of the U.S. Department of Agriculture. The vulnerable targets here were pinched fruits and bruised vegetables — some scarred for life. Shelf life, that is.

Thomas Michaels, 54, produce manager at the Jewel-Osco supermarket, was fired from the position he held for the past 37 years. “It was my first job when I was still in high school,” said Michaels. “I’ve been there longer than anyone else. I feel so ashamed.”

Michaels had been creating his own discounts by damaging fruits and vegetables that came into his store, then buying them at reduced prices. “I liked to get the organics but I didn’t start off that way. They’re more expensive,” he explained. “The pesticides in normal foods scared me and my customers all say they aren’t good for the planet. I guess in a way I wanted to do my part for the environment. But it was the wrong way. I spoiled everything.”

Michaels’ life of crime began about 8 years ago, according to his estimate. “First I would cut a few potatoes just out of the crate. Then I gave a cantaloupe a poke. I guess things got serious when I started punching avocados around 2008. The first time I put my fist through a honeydew, I felt a rush that went up into my head and then I couldn’t stop. My doctor called it a dopamine rush and I told him I felt like a real dope for doing those things and he laughed, but then he said it was really serious. I could tell he thought it was funny because all of a sudden he said he had to go tell the receptionist something important. Then I heard her laugh.”

Supermarket Manager Corey Kirkland began to notice a pattern. “Tommy was the last person you would ever think of doing anything wrong, but he broke store policy and I had to let him go. He racked up a lot of store discounts. One day he had a bandage wrapped around his knuckles, and I should have put 2 and 2 together — our pineapples were flying off the shelves like crazy that week.”

“I overdid it,” admitted Michaels. “One bag full of stuff isn’t going to seem like too much. That’s when we had paper bags, but we switched to plastic. My organic customers got really mad when that happened, so they started to bring in cloth bags.”

“I really hope I can be rehabilitated, says Michaels. “If I can be, then I want to ask for my job back. I really want to because now I have to do Meals-On-Wheels since they put a restraining order on me.”

Kirkland, when asked whether he would hire Michaels again said, “It’s not up to me, but he’s a nice guy and I’d put in a good word for him. I’d have to check all that legal stuff out with our regional manager anyway.”

Crazy DNA Test Results Reveal Maury Povich Is The Father Of His Adopted Son

Posted on August 21, 2014 by DvanL

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Since 1991, daytime talk show host Maury Povich has shocked hundreds of young men and changed the lives of an equal number of young women by revealing DNA paternity test results on The Maury Povich Show, later renamed Maury.

Povich’s dramatic declaration of You are NOT the father! is typically followed by exuberant dancing and somersaults from recently ruled-out fathers, to humiliated screams of desperate, truth-seeking mothers who run offstage, often followed by cameras recording every anguished scream and tear.

During a show taping last week, the tables were turned on Povich himself, when he volunteered to undergo a DNA test after being issued a challenge from an angry viewer.

In an email laced with obscenities, ‘professional blogger’ Mark Satterfield accused the show of staging its paternity show results. “I emailed them and said I know for a fact that you ass—– fake all those shows just to get the ratings. All there [sic] shows are crap and so then I said listen up you motherf——, I’m going public with what I know. I said I dare you to print this, and then that ass—- Maury Povich emailed me in person to invite me to be on the f—— show.”

“I believe in the integrity of the Maury show, so what better way to put my credibility and professional honor on the line?” asked Povich. “I personally invited Mr. Satterfield to be a part of the studio audience, and I wanted him to read the test results himself. I asked my adopted son if he would volunteer a sample of his DNA, which he agreed to do. “It was a hole-in-one,” remarked Povich, an avid golfer.

The day of the taping arrived. The audience was told why Povich was seated on the guest’s couch rather than in the host’s chair. Taping began. Satterfield was handed the now familiar manila envelope. He opened it and announced to Povich and the audience: “In the case of your adopted son, … Maury, … You … ARE the father!”

The studio audience erupted in wild screams and chants of “Aw, Snap!” “Damn Mo Po!” “What the F—?” “For real?” and “Wait…what?” Several audience members, including Povich’s wife, journalist and former CBS News co-host Connie Chung, remained frozen in their seats — too stunned to react.

“I was like, ‘well this s— has gotta be fake, too,’” said Satterfield. “I know for a fact that your adopted son can’t turn out to be your natural son, because he’s adopted! Heck, I’m adopted, and my adopted father was more of a real father to me than my natural father, that rat b—— who I never even met once!” he explained.

“But then,” continued Satterfield, “I saw the audience screaming and pointing at Maury and jumping up and down, so it hit me me what was going on, so I said ‘Oh, s***! I threw the envelope down and did my own f****** dance.”

Povich ran off the stage covering his mouth and threatening his camera crew. “Do NOT follow me backstage, do you understand? DO NOT follow me with that damn camera!” he demanded.

Several television show hosts were quick to offer reaction to the news, which sent ripples throughout the television hosting community.

“The test result was the most shocking event that I’ve ever witnessed in the history of my entire journey,” commented Oprah Winfrey, from her OWN Studio Headquarters. “My best friend Gayle and I were watching the show, and Steadman too, and the DNA result was even more shocking and unbelievable than what I used to do on my show back in the day! It was shocking! We were shocked! So was Steadman. He was there!”

Judith Sheindlin, outspoken host of the nationally syndicated program Judge Judy remarked, “That’s outrageous! Case dismissed!”

Povich initially said he had no explanation for the 99.99 per cent probability that he and his son were directly related, but later, when interviewed for a segment yet to be aired, Povich admitted that he donated sperm several years ago when he needed quick cash during a ratings slump.

“This revelation has strengthened the relationship between my son and me, which has always been strong,” said Povich. “I’ve said from the moment [Connie and] I saw him, that he’s always felt like my own son, and as it turns out, he is.” When asked if he was aware of any other children he has fathered, Povich chuckled, “Not as far as I know, but maybe we’ll find out a different truth on a future episode.”

Povich announced he would devote the next several shows to determining the identity of the mother.

Calls to Connie Chung were not immediately answered.

Breastfeeding Activists Plan ‘Bare Breasts At Work Day’

Posted on August 21, 2014 by mike the inkman

SEATTLE, Washington –

There have been many news stories as of late regarding public breastfeeding, and the issues that arise when mothers are caught feeding their children in view of others. Many people feel that breastfeeding is a natural act and should be allowed and respected in any forum, while others are of the opinion that breastfeeding should be done in a more private setting.

With all the attention as of late, one public breastfeeding activist group has decided that it is time to take a stand. Patricia Oseland, president of ‘Mommy’s Milk’, a national public breastfeeding awareness group based in Seattle, Washington, has called her members into action. The women of the group are staging a ‘Bare Your Breasts At Work Day’.

“The idea is simple,” Oseland said in a Youtube video that already has over one million views. “Breasts are a mother’s way of feeding her children, but they have been sexualized by men, and we are forced to cover them up. ‘Bare Your Breasts At Work Day’ is our chance to take back our breasts from the perverts in society and use them in the way they were intended to be used – as a source of nutrition for our offspring.

“On Monday, September twenty-second, I ask all of you to bare your breasts at your job. If you are not employed, go shopping, go to the zoo with the kids, go anywhere; but whatever you do, do it with bare breasts. The goal, no, the calling, of ‘Mommy’s Milk’ is to escape the stigma of our sexualized bodies and normalize the sight of bare breasts in public. We realize that we will not receive a positive reaction from everyone regarding our decision, but we do not care. We will not abandon our ideals. We will not be defeated. We will never give up. Breasts will be a normal part of our everyday lives once again.”

Supporters of public breastfeeding are voicing their support, and thousands of women have committed themselves to the cause. Youtube user Hippychik69 expressed her support in the video’s comments.

“I am not a mother, but I am lending my breasts to your cause. I will be working topless. I hope many more join us. We can make a difference ladies!”

On the other side of the coin, there are many people who feel that the move goes beyond activism and is more pornographic than it is educational. Madeline Smith, a mother of four and grandmother of seven doesn’t feel like the event is going to have any positive effect on public opinion regarding breastfeeding.

“I’ve been on this Earth for seventy-three years. I know people. You don’t sway others to your cause by forcing your beliefs down their throats. All that will happen here is that the opposition will grow more militant and set in their ways. If these women want to look like cheap floozies all day and lose their jobs in the process, that’s fine, but it won’t do anything but make them look stupid.”

‘Bare Your Breasts At Work Day’ has plenty of support from young mothers, but seems to be most popular with males age thirteen to forty-nine. Mark Harmon, a sophomore at Seattle Community College, says he is ‘pretty excited’ about the whole thing.

“Personally, I don’t care what they are ‘raising awareness’ for.” Harmon told a Seattle reporter. “If they want to take their shirts off, I am going to enjoy every minute of it. I’m not going to lie, it’s certainly going to ‘raise a little awareness’ in me, if you know what I mean.”

Seattle authorities, along with other police forces in other cities, have promised indecent exposure arrests if ‘Mommy’s Milk’ does not call off their demonstration. Seattle Police Chief Kathleen O’Toole is not amused by the movement.

“I am a mother, and I support breastfeeding, but this is taking things too far. If my officers see you in public with exposed breasts, you WILL go to jail, and your babies will be drinking formula for awhile.”

Drop In Blood Donations Means Higher Prices For Plasma TVs

Posted on August 21, 2014 by DvanL

PALO ALTO, California –

The American Red Cross issued an urgent nationwide appeal for blood donations as regional supply centers reported lower than average levels of immediately available blood reserves.

Plasma, blood’s liquid component, is essential for transporting red blood cells (erythrocytes), white blood cells (leukocytes), and platelets, which help to stop bleeding during traumatic physical injury.

The nation’s technological sector also requires a continual supply of plasma. Demand has steadily increased since the introduction of the first flat-screen plasma displays in 2006 and, as with any industry faced with a shortage of materials, the result is higher prices passed along to the consumer.

“Consumers are going to take a hit,” said Walter Britton, media analyst and marketing director. “It’s the domino effect – one puzzle piece influences the entire picture. Shoppers are going to end up with a lot of bruised wallets and pocketbooks,” he added.

Trudy Belmont, regional director of the Denver Colorado Red Cross, is confident that the public will favorably respond to the plea for increased donations. “Americans always come through. I have no doubt our regional and national supply levels will return to normal, just as they have in the past. Soon there will be enough blood everywhere,” she added.

Major electronics manufacturers, including LG, Samsung, Pioneer and NEC, have formed a partnership with the American Red Cross to urge the public to participate in nationwide blood drives.

“Give Blood – That’s The Resolution!” is the new rallying cry and national slogan developed by analyst Britton and his creative team. Public service announcements have been produced for wide distribution across several media platforms.

“The sooner we get enough blood,” said Britton, “the faster we can maintain the fair market prices that consumers demand, while providing hospital patients and victims of traumatic injury the life-giving fluid they have come to depend on. Let’s get flowing!” he enthusiastically chanted, pumping his fist in the air.

Formerly, a 2- to 3-day reserve supply of blood products was necessary to meet demands imposed by hospitals, emergency medical centers and electronics manufacturers. The Red Cross now aims to increase that reserve to 5 days.

Donald Sterling Agrees To Sell Clippers, Plans To Buy Redskins

Posted on August 20, 2014 by mike the inkman

LOS ANGELES, California –

Donald Sterling, disgraced Los Angeles Clippers owner, has announced that he will agree to sell the team, bringing an end to the months-long legal battle between himself and the NBA. Sterling however, does not plan to go quietly into the night, and is in talks with Redskins owner Dan Snyder over a proposed deal to purchase the team, which has had its own issues with perceived racism as of late. Sterling spoke to ESPN Reporter Erin Andrews about his reasoning.

“Well, honey, it seems like my welcome in LA is worn out. They say I’m antiquated, a relic, and maybe I am. Sure, I’m a little over the hill, but I still enjoy the company of a lovely lady like yourself. I also enjoy the thrill of owning a sports franchise. Those beautiful black bodies exerting themselves to achieve a common goal. I imagine that’s how the South was built. I heard mumblings around the country club that Danny was getting fed up with this whole ‘racial slur’ garbage, and I thought to myself, ‘Now that’s a team I could own’. Of course if the deal goes through, I’ll have to clear up the nonsense with these bloodsuckers trying to soak up legal fees by forcing a great football franchise to change its identity. Mind you, I’ve got a few papers to sign yet, but we’ve already hammered out the particulars. As near as I can recall, Washington was built on the backs of the black man. Even now, they have that black quarterback. A real workhorse, that one. I’ll be damn proud to call him my own. As far as the name business goes, those damn Indians should be glad we let them hang around as we turned this wilderness into the great land that it is today, not to mention naming a premier sports franchise in their honor.”

Andrews, looking incredulous, asked Mr. Sterling what he thought of Roger Goodell, the league commissioner, making a public statement regarding his promise to fight tooth-and-nail to keep him from buying the team.

“That old Irishman? He’s not as tough as he makes himself out to be. I was a Jew in this country before being a Jew was an admirable thing. I know a thing or two about being told ‘no.’ Despite the anti-semites in the business world, I scratched and clawed my way to the top. If that ginger b—— thinks he can keep me from achieving my goals, he’s in for a real big surprise. He’s the one who’s got a problem with race, not me. You should have heard him on the phone the other day. He sounded like a red-haired Hitler. I don’t care if he is the Fuhrer of the NFL, his little legal team is no match for my legislative wehrmacht. I’ll get my team, and I’ll pay those Indians their price, and we’ll get this damn thing back on the right track.”

Roger Goodell could not be reached for comment, but a league spokesman was willing to address the possible Sterling buyout.

“The league feels that he’s a crazy old man that shouldn’t be involved in running anything. There are no plans at this time to let Mr. Sterling buy anything, but as he has said, people have tried to hold him back from his goals his entire life. I’d say that there is at least an outside chance that Donald Sterling could be the next owner of the Washington Redskins.

BREAKING NEWS: WWE, Inc. Sold To Donald Trump For Undisclosed Amount; McMahon Turns Down Job Offer As Chief Consultant

Posted on August 20, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

STAMFORD, Connecticut –

Majority owner, CEO, and Chairman of WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) Vince McMahon announced this morning that WWE, Inc. has been sold in full to American business magnate and entrepreneur Donald Trump for an undisclosed amount.

“It is a bittersweet moment for the entire McMahon family, but we have secured a comfortable life for many generations to come for our family,” McMahon told the Associated Press early this morning. “Mr. Trump gave us an offer we simply could not refuse about a month ago, we met with the minority owners and the rest of the family, and everyone unanimously agreed we should take the offer. The logistics were worked out by our very competent legal team, and as of today, Mr. Trump has taken full control of the WWE.”

The announcement is sure to come as a shock to wrestling fans around the globe as the McMahon family has been the cornerstone of the booming wrestling entertainment business from the 1980’s through today. “Mr. Trump had asked me to stay on as chief consultant, I have considered the offer, but after selling the family franchise I do not think it is appropriate for me to operate it, or contribute to operating the WWE, while it is no longer under our ownership. I simply thanked Mr. Trump for the offer and declined. It is the McMahon way – we are all-in or we are not in at all,” McMahon said.

Ownership of the WWE is now listed as The Trump Organization, operating out of the Trump Tower in Manhattan, New York. Trump said in a telephone interview with WABC reporter Jim Shwartz that his son Donald, Jr. and his daughter Ivanka would be the ‘masterminds’ behind the newly purchased entertainment business.

“It was Donald Jr. who really pushed for the deal and after hearing his argument, which was that it was a big business that I didn’t already have my name attached to, it is something I had to get behind. The responsibilities of Chairman and CEO will be mine, Donald Jr. will take on the role of President, and Ivanka will be named Vice President and Ambassador of promotions and marketing. We are very excited to take on control of the WWE, and we will no doubt improve how things are operated. It is a win/win for the fans and a very exciting venture is ahead of us.” Trump told Shwartz.

When asked if fans would find any noticeable changes as the reigns of the WWE are handed over to the Trumps, he made it clear that the impact would be noticed immediately, as he planned on changing nearly every aspect of the company.

“Well first of all, we are going to do away with the ‘soap opera’ aspect of the business. It will become more realistic, making it so that it will eventually be recognized as a legitimate sport, not a joke. Sure there will be plenty of drama, but it will be real. There will be no feuding between wrestlers on camera then going off, having a cold beer together off camera. If that means losing the current stars, who are mostly actors anyway, that is the way it is going to be. I have been a lifelong wrestling fan, and I am even in the WWE Hall of Fame, but that doesn’t mean that changes won’t be made. We gave Mr. McMahon the opportunity to stay on board and he turned his nose up to us, but that is ok, because we will show him how he should have been running his former business. That’s what Trumps do, they take over and make everything better,” said Trump.

“We wish to thank all the fans who made everything possible for decades. From The Gobbledy Gooker to Hulkamania to the time I tore both of my quad muscles sliding into the ring, it’s been a wild ride with the WWE. I’ll never forget it,” said McMahon, tearfully. “Actually, come to think of it, I’ll just keep renewing my subscription to the WWE Network and watch it all over again. Hot damn, that Network was a good idea.”

Troop Leader in Custody After Using Girls Scouts as Drug Mules

Posted on August 19, 2014 by JP

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania –

A Philadelphia women is under arrest after admitting to using a group of girls to help her sell and traffic drugs. The woman, Marlene Jacobs, 44, was a camp leader for a local chapter of the Girl Scouts and had allegedly been filling cookie boxes with assortments of drugs, and using the girls to deliver them to her customers.

Police say that Jacobs had been placing cocaine and prescription pills into certain boxes of Girl Scout Cookies, then making sure that the girls delivered them to a designated address. Jacobs would mark the boxes with a sticker, and had been running her scheme for the last 4 years.

“We didn’t know anything about what was in the cookie boxes,” said Michelle Hall, 11. “We always thought it was funny that we’d drop off cookies and get big bags of money. Other troops were only getting a few dollars a box. I was getting over $100 sometimes. I just thought Ms. Jacobs was a good pre-seller.”

“None of us parents had any idea this was going on, that our children were being used as drug mules,” said Karen Driver, a mother of one of the girls Jacobs’ had used to sell drugs. “It’s disgusting that she would do such a thing. I mean heck, the cookies themselves are already like a drug. Have you tried Samoas? Oh my God.”

The entire scheme failed after one of the girls accidentally sold a box with prescription pills inside to a police officer. According to reports, the box either never received a sticker, or the sticker fell off, and it was delivered by mistake.

“We were never supposed to deliver boxes with stickers to anyone who didn’t pre-order them through Ms. Jacobs,” said Hall. “She must have forgotten and gave me the wrong box, and that’s the one I gave to the policeman.”

“For a moment I thought maybe I won some type of prize or something, but when I realized what was in the cookie box I was blown away,” said police officer Martin Lovell. “I immediately tracked down the girl who had sold them to me, and questioned where she had gotten the cookies. After a bit of conversation, it was clear the boxes were rationed to all the girls by their troop leader.”

Jacobs is now awaiting her court date. If convicted, she could face up to 15 years in prison.

“Thankfully, the fact that box contained cocaine didn’t taint the cookies at all,” said Lovell. “My Thin Mints were still delicious, as always!”

Classic Sitcom Talking Horse ‘Mr. Ed’ Disappears From Taxidermy Museum

Posted on August 19, 2014 by DvanL

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The verse A horse is a horse, of course, of course… brings back memories for millions of fans of the classic television comedy Mr. Ed, which aired its last episode in 1966, after a six-season run. The series stretched the imaginations of viewers to the limit by featuring a talking horse in the title role.

It may have been one of those uber-fans who recently had a hand in stealing Mr. Ed, as well. The corpse of the horse was allegedly stolen from “Hey! I’m Stuffed,” a museum dedicated to preserving famous memorabilia associated with famous and much-loved Hollywood animal performers.

Mr. Ed, whose actual name was Bamboo Harvester, was euthanized in 1970 at the age of 19. Soon after, Ed’s trainer, Les Hilton, employed the services of Bud Friscoe, “Taxidermist To The Stars,” to prepare the horse for display.

Museum Curator Margaret Winborne acquired Ed in 1976 and was met with an empty corner of her gallery when she opened for business last Monday. “I didn’t notice right away because I was going on about my business like always,” said the stylish 70-year-old Winborne. “I’ve operated the museum since 1969 and I screamed out loud right there in my tracks.”

Sgt. Adam Rendell led the investigation into the case of the missing horse. “This is the strangest act of burglary that I’ve ever seen,” he stated. “It’s not like anyone could just ride him out of here.”

Winborne has no idea who could have taken the horse, as no sign of forced entry was visible. “It’s just me, my husband, and our son who have a key, and they locked up last Saturday night and everything was normal,” she said. “There was a little money in the donation basket right there next to Gidget, the Taco Bell dog, and that wasn’t stolen, so we’re at a complete loss. I got a lock of Trigger’s tail in a glass case right out in the open, and nobody wanted to touch that.” Trigger was the famous horse owned by beloved singing cowboy stars Roy Rogers, and his wife, Dale Evans. “Why anyone would steal a horse on a Sunday is beyond me,” said Winborne.

Fans from around the world have expressed sadness and shock. Twitter user ColeMason tweeted: sad to hear the news #LongLiveMr.Ed #MrEdForever #EternalHorse.

Franklin Baranski, Facebook user and self-described Mr. Ed “superfan” posted a heartfelt message expressing the feelings of many who have offered their messages of support to Winborne and the “Hey! I’m Stuffed” staff.

"News of this horrible, horrible crime has broken my spirit and almost made me lose total faith in humans.  Why someone should steal and desecrate the precious memory of a great Hollywood animal star such as Mr. Ed I will never be able to understand.  Mr. Ed brought joy to millions, and his loss the first time around was hard enough. This loss is even more heartbreaking. We will pray for his safe return to the Hey, I'm Stuffed! gallery."

Sgt. Rendell suggested that Mrs. Winborne check local garage sales and antique houses. “Other than that,” he said, “we’ve asked anyone with information contact us. We still have to decide on a steady course of action for this one.”

‘Super Crack’: Ex-CIA Agent Reveals Government Plan To Release New Drug Into Inner-Cities

Posted on August 19, 2014 by mike the inkman

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Earlier this week, a defector from the CIA released thousands of documents regarding the Agency’s involvement in drug-smuggling, extortion, and murder. There are ledgers, account numbers, signed directives, and all manner of incriminating evidence irrevocably linking CIA agents to hundreds of major felonies; but that’s not the worst part. The defector, one William Kingsley, has released the outline of a new plot to release an even more powerful drug into our nations cities.

There have long been conspiracy theories regarding the introduction of crack cocaine into American inner-cities by the Central Intelligence Agency. The ‘tin-foil hat’ crowd has always been convinced that Contras and independent contractors flew cocaine-laden planes into the airport at Mena, Arkansas, under the supervision of Colonel Oliver North; and with the cooperation of then-Governor of Arkansas, Bill Clinton. According to stories and reports by ghosts and dead men, the cocaine was then sold to finance black operations undertaken by the CIA. Coups were staged with drug profits, revolutions were initiated with blood money. It was a dirty, risky business, and many lives were lost or ruined in the process. At least, that’s what the Infowars set would have you believe. Most logical people dismissed the whole thing as the delusions of madmen; at least that is, until now.

Agent Kingsley, a West Point graduate and former intelligence officer, spent thirty years building a career as a high-level analyst in the Central Intelligence Agency, and no one is sure exactly why he chose to leave it all behind. The CIA is working hard to dismiss and discredit Kingsley as an extremist, but extremist or no, there is no disputing the credibility of the information he has released thus far. In his latest release of information via prepared statement, posted on various social networks and forums, Kingsley outlined the plan to release the new drug.

“The CIA has developed a new drug which gives the euphoric rush of cocaine, has the addictive qualities of heroin, with little risk of overdose. It is easily and cheaply produced, but requires listed chemicals and complex laboratory equipment. The goal was to keep costs down while making the drug nearly impossible to manufacture on the streets. After months of formulations, they hit the nail on the head. The Agency has not given the drug an official name, but for the time being, it is being referred to as ‘super crack’. The drug will be produced in several forms, to target the various types of users.”

The formula released by Kingsley has been tested by independent chemists and confirmed to be highly narcotic, and dangerously addictive. Dr Leo Marvin, a highly respected research pharmacist and organic chemist examined the formula and was shocked by its potency.

“This compound replicates dopamine and oxytocin at a rate that would nearly overwhelm the brain’s receptors. To return to baseline levels of those neurotransmitters after such an experience would no doubt render a person nearly suicidally depressed. A person addicted to a drug like this would be willing to pay any cost necessary to keep it in their system. The profit margin would be nearly unlimited,” Dr Marvin said, after his study of the compound.

Agent Kingsley asserts that the CIA plans to use the drug not only as a form of revenue, but also as a method of producing subservient and mindless zombies who can be controlled by manipulation of their addiction. He has provided pages of notes regarding the development of the drug and its possible uses.

“Imagine an army that doesn’t care about death or morality. That’s what the Agency wants. They are going to use this drug as a multiplier or a lever. A hit-man will kill a man for ten thousand dollars. A junkie will do it for a fix. For ten thousand dollars, they can make thousands of fixes. You do the math.”

Say Goodbye To Privacy: NSA To Share Personal Data With Employers Upon Request

Posted on August 18, 2014 by mike the inkman

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The National Security Agency, which has been under intense scrutiny since Edward Snowden spilled the beans about the level of personal information they collect, has announced a new information sharing program they hope will ingratiate them with businesses across America. NSA public relations liaison Michael Phillips explained the program in a press release.

“The focus of this program is for the NSA to express our gratitude to the businesses whose tax dollars support our operation. While our primary focus remains the gathering of intelligence for national security purposes, we collect a lot of information that is of no use to us, but would be of great use to employers. For instance, we can provide detailed records of your employees’ or prospective employees’ internet browsing habits, phone records, and in some cases, much more. Background checks and references only go so far. If you really need to know who you’re hiring, you can find out, and the NSA can help. All you need to take advantage of the program is a government-issued business tax ID number.”

While some companies are more than happy to take advantage of the program, others are afraid of the message it will send to their employees. Frank Vargas, owner of a large automotive paint distributor in Austin, Texas, expressed some of his concerns.

“Everybody wants to know about the people they associate with on a daily basis, but this seems a little extreme. Do we really want people to have that kind of access to our personal lives? Our thoughts? What scares me is, some people are going to love this, take full advantage of it. Is it really fair to deny people employment based on an off-color joke sent in a text? There are things people do and say in their private lives that have no bearing on on their job performance. Hell, I’m sure I’ve said something that might bar me from employment, but that’s my business. Maybe it’s time for us to re-evaluate who we have running our country.”

Other business owners are jumping on the surveillance bandwagon and not looking back. Steve Clemons, of Clemons and Son machining, thinks the program is great.

“I’m a Christian, and I run my business based on Christian values. I expect my employees to operate on the same moral level as I do. Since I joined the program, I have replaced seven employees. There was adultery, racism, and all manner of of immorality eating at the moral fabric of my company like a cancer. Thanks to the NSA, I was able to nip it in the bud, and hire some wholesome family men to replace the jerks I let go.”

“The whole process was really easy, too,” said Christopher Lewis, a restaurant owner from Chicago. “I filled out a couple forms with the information I already had on the employees I wanted to check up on, sent it in along with a check, and they sent me packets of information. The whole thing took about 2 weeks. They sent me emails, Facebook private messages, even text messages. They had it all. It really helped in deciding who to keep, and who to replace. It also helps when looking to hire someone new.”

Regardless of individual public position on surveillance, the era of privacy seems to be in its twilight years, and the NSA is helping to usher in a new age – at least for those who can afford to pay for secrecy.