Creationists Bash Science-Based “Cosmos” TV Show, Demand Equal Airtime

Posted on June 10, 2014 by Rab

LOS ANGELES, California –

Just this year, Neil deGrasse Tyson rebooted the late Carl Sagan’s TV show Cosmos for the FOX Network, and although the season is several episodes in, it is causing a controversy amongst a large number of religious zealots.

Creation scientists, a small facet of religious people who curiously believe that the universe and all it’s inhabitants were created by divine intervention, have a bone to pick with the show due in large part to the fact that science debunks almost all of their theories. Because Cosmos directly clashes with their ideology, they’ve started picketing the FOX Network for equal airtime, as well as boycotting deGrasse Tyson’s work.

Fox has responded to their demands, saying that they aren’t interested.

“We have no plans to create any sort of alternate, psuedo-scientific based version of Cosmos.” Said Kevin Reilly, Chairman of entertainment for Fox Networks. “I believe the only way that would even appeal to most people is if we filmed it in front of a live studio audience and added in a laugh track.”

Enraged with FOX’s reaction, the Creationists have asked that the network at least discuss the possibilities of God being the all-mighty creator of the Earth and mankind itself in at least one segment of every episode of Cosmos.

“We just want the world to know that God is the real creator and one who has evolved all of this world.” Said Melanie Pinkerton, a creation scientist with the Real Origins Group in Los Angeles, California. “Six thousand years ago, He said ‘Let There Be Light,’ and there was. Now we are asking the TV world to ‘Let There Be Light.’ We just think it’s right that we get our equal time.”

Despite the demands and complaints, the ratings for Cosmos are still holding strong. The Creationists themselves aren’t helping when it comes to getting the show taken off the air, either – Most of them have said they watch the program every week just so they can curse at their televisions and shout passages from the bible at deGrasse Tyson.

Although there are no plans for FOX to draft any episodes of the Creationist version of the Cosmos series, which the group has decided would be called Genesis, they have decided that Ken Hamm, who founded the Creationist Museum, would be the natural choice to host it. Perhaps wisely, no networks have taken an interest in adding the show to their lineup.

Man Tries To Warn Packed Movie Theatre of Fire, No One Believes Him

Posted on June 10, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FRESNO, California –

A movie theatre in Fresno, California caught fire Monday night after a malfunction in the popcorn kettle caused the drum of oil beneath it to ignite.

Theatre manager Tom Brown ran into the auditorium of the one-screen theatre, trying to warn the patrons that they needed to get out by yelling “fire!” Most theatre patrons ignored him, and some even told him to be quiet. As one customer said, everyone believed he was just “being a jerk.”

“I thought he was just ‘yelling fire in a crowded theatre,’ you know?” Said one man, interviewed outside the theatre, mouth full of popcorn. “We thought it was just a joke – some moron getting his laughs. I really wanted to see what happened to Magneto, so I was mostly ignoring him. Then the screen suddenly caught on fire, and I think everyone knew it was real.”

The small theatre was completely destroyed in the blaze, although there were no reported injuries.

“I am so glad that we were all able to make it out okay.” Said Chris Bartlett, who was there with his wife and two small children. “I think they really need to have some sort of new word they use instead of ‘fire!’, at least when it happens in a theatre, you know? Maybe something like ‘Goobers!’ or ‘Reese’s Pieces!’ could be yelled instead. Then everyone would know it was for real.”

Brown says that next time he’s working at a theatre that catches on fire, he’ll just pull the fire alarm.

Hasbro To Create Home Version of “Knockout Game”

Posted on June 10, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island –

Now your son or daughter can experience all the thrills and excitement of living in a dangerous ghetto, but from the comfort of your family living room. Hasbro, the company behind such game and toy classics as Monopoly and GI Joe, has announced today their plans to release a version of the dangerous “Knockout Game” for children.

The “Knockout game” is one of many names given by American news media to street assaults in which one or more assailants attempt to knock out an unsuspecting victim, often with a single violent haymaker, merely for their amusement or for “internet notoriety” when posted to YouTube and other websites.

A representative for Hasbro, Theodore Thomas, said that this is the first time the company has created a new product based on a street game.

“We’ve released everything from marbles to Monopoly, but we’ve never had a game where kids could take swings at each other before.” Said Thomas. “We’re really excited to launch our new Knockout Game: Home Edition! I know I’ll be giving it to my kids for Christmas, and really let them go at each other!”

Head designer for Hasbro, Greg Starscream, said that the game would play a lot like toy competitor Schilling’s “Socker Boppers,” but with points and a “winner.”

“We took the best things about punching people in the face, and added a twist to it.” Said Starscream. “You put on our (patent pending) silicone and foam rubber gloves, which each have an electronic points system built in. The players will take turns punching each other, and whoever gets “knocked out” first loses.”

Thomas said that despite the violent idea behind the game, there should be no safety concerns for parents, as the company has taken every precaution and safety measure.

“The difference between the real version of the Knockout Game and ours, is that you don’t actually have to physically knock someone out in the home version. Our points system will beep every time you score a point. Think of it as a new-age version of Rock ’em-Sock ’em Robots – but you get to do the punching!”

Hasbro plans on releasing their Knockout Game: Home Edition by the middle of October, just in time for the Christmas rush.

Man Files Lawsuit After His Horse Is Mocked By Neighbor’s Cow

Posted on June 10, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BEAR LAKE, Pennsylvania –

Charlie Carey, whose horse got stuck in the fence while trying to get out of his corral, is suing his neighbor, Richard Lewis, after Carey tried to get a photo of his horse, and Lewis’ cow “photobombed” the stuck and frightened animal.

“This isn’t the first time Tank [the horse] had gotten stuck trying to get out,” said Carey. “I went out to take a photo, because I hired a team to build a new fence, and wanted to show them exactly what Tank kept doing so they could make something that would prevent it.”

Carey says that when he went out to take a picture, Lewis’ cow, Bessie, jumped right in the picture “with a huge grin on her face.”

“That cow hates me, and it hates Tank, and it was mocking us both.” Alleges Carey.

Carey filed suit in the Warren County Superior Court, citing both Lewis and his cow, saying that Bessie “intentionally mocked, with intent to annoy and humiliate.” He is seeking damages of $180,000, for his “wasted camera film” and emotional distress caused by the incident.

When Lewis was asked about the notion that Bessie knew she was “photobombing” Carey’s horse, he blew off the idea, saying it was all nonsense.

“This whole situation is a damn joke.” Says Lewis, who bought the house next door to Carey’s only about 5 months ago. “Bessie is a cow. She certainly doesn’t have any animosity towards anyone, except for maybe Ronald McDonald. Possibly the Burger King. Definitely not Carey. She doesn’t know him from Adam.”

Lewis and Carey have a history of bad blood, and according to police reports each man has already called them multiple times with various complaints against each other.

“He [Lewis] is the worst neighbor I’ve ever had.” Said Carey. “Ol’ Joe Parsons, he lived there before [Lewis], and he was the damn nicest man you’d ever want to meet. I’ve had nothing but problems since he moved in.”

Police reports show complaints from both men, ranging from “too many chickens running around loose” to “walking around the house naked with the curtains open.”

Martin Hastings, captain of the Bear Lake police department, said that he’s never seen two men have so many disagreements over what he claims is “absolute bull[expletive].”

“It’s gotten to the point where our dispatcher knows both men very well, and calls them by their first names. This photobombing cow thing – I’ve been on the force for 23 years, and now I know I’ve seen it all.”

“Like I said, Charlie is just a [expletive]. Suing me for my cow “mocking him?” Get real. He’s just milking this for all it’s worth. Er, no pun intended, Bessie.” Said Lewis.

Go Ask Allison: I Think My Boyfriend’s Cheating. Please Help!

Posted on June 9, 2014 by Allison Forge

DEAR ALLISON,

My boyfriend of 4 years and I have been seeing each other less and less lately, as I recently started a new job. When I come home to him at night, he seems withdrawn and doesn’t enjoy having…well, we’re not as intimate as we used to be. He’s not working and I pay all the bills, so I don’t think he’s stressed out or anything. I don’t want to be that bitchy girlfriend who goes through his Facebook or his phone to see if he’s been talking to other girls, but I think he might be cheating. Should I confront him, or go about finding out another way?

– SUSPICIOUS in SACRAMENTO

Dear Suspicious,

Of course he’s cheating on you. The only thing a man wants more than a good steak is a good ol’ fashioned. If you are coming home from a long day at work, and he’s been lounging around all day and it’s him that doesn’t want you, there really is no other explanation. I’d suggest that you “be that bitchy girlfriend” and go through his phone or Facebook. You don’t want to confront him, because what’s the point? Is he just going to say “oh, you’re right, dear, I’m cheating.”? No, he’s going to deny it. Your best course of action is to wait until he’s asleep and smell his penis. It sounds crude, but everyone knows men rarely wash themselves period, and the odds of him showering after having his mistress over is zero. Definitely sniff that shaft, and you’ll have all the evidence you need.

DEAR ALLISON,

My girlfriend of two years is lazy and doesn’t wanna do anything for me. In my circle, the other girlfriends will make food for the game, and then go off and do their own thing, but they always come out to see if we need more beer or snacks, you know? My girlfriend doesn’t do those things, and it’s embarassing. My bros, they give me crap about how lazy she is. When we watch the game at my house, she doesn’t wanna cook, and then she sits around, trying to talk through the game. Like we’re interested in listening to her long, boring stories about shoes? The other day I was checking out my buddy’s girlfriend’s ass as she bent over to pick up our beer cans, and I thought – “that’s what I deserve.” I’m wondering if I should break up with her because this isn’t working, and it’s not like I don’t have other options.

– FED-UP in FREEPORT

Dear FED-UP,

Start packing her bags right now – I can’t believe you’ve dealt with her for two years! By this point she should definitely know her place. If she isn’t going to make you a sandwich and sit quietly during the game, or let you go out with your bros without nagging, then she isn’t the one. Look at your buddies; sounds like they’ve got their women trained perfectly! There are plenty of girls out there who have learned their lessons, so just choose one of the dumb sluts you’re probably already flirting with, and plug her hard. After you’ve gotten your ex out of the way, make sure you tell the new girl how much you love the cheese dip your buddy’s girlfriend always brings over, and set the expectation that that’s what you expect out of your woman. Out of desperation to please you, she’ll learn to jump right up at the sound of a crushed beer can, or you can tell her where to go, too.

DEAR ALLISON,

I hate my mother. She has the mentality of an extremely spoiled teenager in the body of an overweight, pushy fifty year-old troll. She is in complete denial about all the abuse she put me through when I was growing up. She says that everything bad in her life is my fault, and she’s posted nasty stuff to my Facebook wall, like telling me that she wishes I was never born. It’s got so bad that I had to block her. She still continues to spread rumors to my friends and family, saying that I pawned her jewelry for drugs or that I’ve prostituted myself for spare change. These lies hurt, because my family and friends are now ostracizing me. I’ve never even had sex, and she knows it! Every time we talk, it’s a blow out. Should I try to reconcile with her, or should I just move on with my life?

-MISERABLE in MALIBU

DEAR MISERABLE,

Judging by your letter, I’d say you and your mother have more in common than you think! You must be extremely spoiled yourself. Here you are calling your mother nasty things in a massive public setting, just like you say she’s done to you! Way more people will see your letter here, calling your mother a fat troll, than the minimal amount of friends and family members who she no doubt has on her Facebook page. How do you think she’s going to feel when she sees your letter here? Yeah, probably the same way you felt when she called you a little whore. Your family probably doesn’t want to talk to you anymore because you’re the worst kind of bitch – the kind who blames everyone else around her for her own shortcomings. Plus, they probably know you’ll steal their valuables for drug money next! Go to counseling with your mother. You both sound like a couple of nut jobs.

You can email your questions for a future column to AskAllisonAnything@gmail.com. Go Ask Allison‘s weekly column is published every Monday exclusively by Empire News.

Real-World Hackers Discredit Technology Used In Watch Dogs Video Game

Posted on June 8, 2014 by Rab

MONTREAL, QUEBEC, Canada –

Hackers around the World have been rampantly posting online about their opinions on the new Ubisoft video game “Watch Dogs,” which was released last week. The video game is based around a fictional hacker who wanders the streets of Chicago using his cell phone to control nearly any electronic device he wishes, which he uses to gain information and help avoid cyber-terrorists.

“As a hacker, it makes me feel really lame – I could point my phone at a person, and it won’t just hack their bank account. It’s completely absurd that this guy can do this stuff with such ease.” Said a self-proclaimed hacker who goes by the online name Lord Nikon. “The game makes it look too easy. He just scans people with his cell phone, takes their cash or their music, unlocks a car, and drives like an asshole through the city. I can’t do any of that at all. Watchdogs is totally unrealistic.”

Throughout the years, the art of hacking has been portrayed throughout movies, television, and now video games as some sort of exciting, other-worldly experience, where the hacker is always a half-step ahead of the law or other hackers, and spends their nights staring at a computer screen filled with gorgeous graphics. As hacker Cereal Killer points out to us, that isn’t generally the case.

“You know, I don’t see the big deal with this guy in the game.” Said Killer. “Even if I could just take a stroll and steal peoples stuff, walking just takes too much outta me, ya know? I like doing this stuff because I can sit here in my room, eating Bagel Bites, downloading music illegally and watching anime porn. That’s the true life of a hacker. Well, at least it’s my true life. I can’t really speak for everyone.”

Real-life hackers tend to experience extreme amounts of boredom brought on by so much waiting around, so bringing the technology developed for the fictional story in Watchdogs to life would be a silver lining for the hoards of anonymous hackers throughout the world.

“If these people could walk around while hacking the computers around them, it would greatly decrease their risks of collapse due to ennui.” Says Dr. Emmanuel Goldstein of the Chicago Memorial Hospital, cardiology division. “This concept would be the best thing to happen to cyber-crime since the invention of wireless internet!”

As technology expands, the hackers that we spoke with had mixed feelings about how great it would be to be able to commit hack the people around them like a character in a video game.

“I prefer to just relax, enjoy a Jolt cola, and watch reruns of The Outer Limits with my girlfriend AcidBurn.” Said a hacker whose online alias is ZeroCool. “I just can’t imagine why I’d want to run all over the city and get all sweaty. Hacking is an intelligent man’s game, a real-world thrill posed in an unreal world. I’ll keep playing the game, but I would never buy into that sort of technology.”

New Study Proves Everyone Is At Least Slightly Gay

Posted on June 7, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PIEDMONT, North Dakota –

A new scientific study performed by a private medical team at Massasoit General Hospital in Piedmont, North Dakota has proven that 100% of people have at least a little bit of gay in them.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re male, female, or a eunuch,” Said Professor Neil Louis, head of HumanZone, INC., the privately-held medical research company that performed the study. “Through many years of testing, research, development, and a tiny bit of trial-and-error, we have discovered the actual strain in human DNA that causes homosexuality. [And] these tests conclude that everyone, no matter who they are, has at least a small amount of that strain in them.”

It has long been known, although argued vehemently by bigots and religious zealots, that homosexuality is a trait that is developed while a person is still in the fetal state, being born homosexual or heterosexual. With this knowledge, Professor Louis and his team were able to discover exactly at what stage of the pregnancy a person “becomes” homosexual. Once they discovered this timeframe, they used that knowledge to find the actual DNA gene itself. They were then startled to discover that in every sample they had, whether it was from people who identified as straight or as homosexual, they could find at least some part of that same strain.

“It’s all extremely complicated,” said Louis. “I don’t expect that a layperson would understand it. When our research is published in the Boston Medical Journal of Research next month, anyone will be able to peruse our findings.”

What this means for people as whole, according to Louis, really amounts to nothing at all.

“This is not going to change any person’s day-to-day life. Knowing that you have a little gay in you, so what? What does that matter? Is there something wrong being gay? I mean, do people still think that in this day and age? What’s the matter with them? Who cares?”

In his findings, the professor and his team discovered that there were different “levels” of homosexuality, as they referred to them. Just as the stereotypes you can imagine of homosexuals, portrayed in TV and movies as anything from extremely flamboyant with female qualitites to men still repressing their sexuality, the study actually showed that the more a man claims to despise homosexuals, the more of the homosexual strain they would find in him.

“Men who we tested who considered themselves to be homophobic, or even overtly hostile towards homosexuals, were found to have the MOST amounts of homosexual DNA strains in them. I guess it does prove true the old adage that the more someone hates gay people, the more they really are repressing their own desires for some hot man-on-man action.”

Curiously, the study was not performed on any women.

“Oh, we didn’t bother studying women. Everyone already knows that all it takes to get a woman to have gay tendencies is a couple vodka and Red Bull martinis.”

Obama Apologizes For Bergdahl Negotiations; Offers To Trade Him Back To Taliban

Posted on June 6, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Just 5 days ago, the Obama administration orchestrated the release of Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl from a Taliban-controlled prison in Afghanistan in exchange for 5 Guantanamo Bay detainees. Since his release was announced, the online debates as to whether or not Bergdahl was a deserter, abandoning his post in Yahya Kheyl in an Eastern province of Afghanistan, has divided the country during a time that would normally be a celebration for a POW returning home.

Because of the nature of the capture, the negotiation with terrorist leaders to bring Bergdahl home, and the unclear matter of his deserter status, President Obama made a formal apology to the nation today for acting without proper consent, and breaking laws that required Congress to be notified of any prisoner exchanges.

“I was unaware that Bergdahl was an… [alleged] deserter. I was doing my best to bring home a man who had suffered five years in a Taliban prison.” Said President Obama. “I have disgraced myself and my country for dealing with terrorists, for bending laws that I myself signed, and for trading the lives of 5 men in Guantanamo for the life of one man, who may or may not even deserve to have been saved.”

Obama went on to say that he believed that Bergdahl had suffered while he was in Afghanistan, but that didn’t excuse him of running out on his duties, and that the US is extremely embarrassed that they wasted such a good trade on a man who has disgraced his country in this way.

“If this was a proud man, a young man who stood for something great, then this trade would have been worth releasing 100 people from Guantanamo in exchange. I had actually considered letting 10 people go, but the Taliban, they started with 5 and I decided there was no reason to counter that number. Now that I have learned what I have about Bergdahl, I would have no problems trading him back. I’ll even take just 3 people back in exchange.” Said Obama.

Bergdahl will return his hometown of Hailey, Idaho within the next few weeks, although not to the fanfare that was originally scheduled. Plans for a parade in his honor, as well as entire hometown celebration, were abandoned after news of his deserter status began to spread across the internet. Originally planned for July 28th, the town’s official word is that they don’t have the resources to contain the amount of people expected. It is quite possible, though, that the backlash from the internet, as well as threats, hatred, and menace aimed at the town for planning a celebration had something to do with their cancellation.

“The City of Hailey believes in due process, and we are very happy to let the process unfold,” said the city’s mayor. “In the meantime, our celebration will focus on [Bowe’s] release and the relief of his family and those who live here.”

Sprint Looks To Buy T-Mobile; Plans To Completely Dissolve Company

Posted on June 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

OVERLAND PARK, Kansas –

Negotiations have begun for Sprint, the third largest wireless company in the US, to purchase T-Mobile, the fourth largest wireless company, from their parent Deutsche Telekom. The merger is reported to be worth approximately $32 billion, with part being paid in cash and part in stock, a typical option for deals of this size.

Assuming that the FCC approves the deal, Sprint has stated that their plans for T-Mobile would be to phase it out completely, while converting their customers into the Sprint family. The T-Mobile network, which runs on the much faster GSM technology would remain intact, with Sprint converting their handsets to take advantage of the higher speeds necessary for such a large subscriber base and congested network. Combined, Sprint and T-Mobile would have nearly 100 million customers.

“We feel very strongly that there is absolutely no need for T-Mobile to continue on as a company once our purchase is cleared.” Said Dan Hesse, chairman of Sprint Corp. US. “They’ve done some great things for the wireless world in the last year or two, but it’s nothing that we can’t continue without them. If this merger happens, it will definitely be the end for T-Mobile.”

The news that T-Mobile could possibly be closing their doors hit hard for many employees in the company, especially low-ranking retail and call center workers, who just went through a similarly stressful situation a few years ago when AT&T was looking to purchase T-Mobile. That merger was denied by FCC regulators, citing laws against creating a monopoly within the industry.

“It’s extremely disheartening, the idea of them shutting us down.” Said Christopher Pike, a call center employee. “I was here when AT&T came strutting through, and tried to pick us up. It was horrible, stressful. No one knew what was going to happen. This is almost worse, because they’ve already told us that we’re going to be out of a job if this buyout is approved.”

Jon Legere, CEO of T-Mobile, doesn’t seem too worried about keeping a job within the company if the buy-out happens. Legere, who has only been with T-Mobile for the last couple of years, has become an outspoken president, known for his profanity-laced speeches calling out AT&T and Verizon for their “shady” practices and their old-school mentality.

“I always talked about AT&T, Verizon – I rarely ever talked any [expletive] about Sprint, because I knew this was going to happen eventually. It’s no surprise to me. You can’t be #4 in the game forever without #3 knocking on your door. Well, the door is open now, and it’s about time I take off this magenta shirt and start thinking about how I’m going to look in yellow.”

With T-Mobile inevitably on the route to the end, many customers who recently switched from Sprint were delighted that they would be able to go back.

“I switched over to T-Mobile when my contract with Sprint ran out. Needed to try something new, ya know?” Said Alex Winter, a long time Sprint subscriber. “They don’t have contracts, sure, but they suckered me into buying a phone for $750, and with monthly payments, it’s going to take 2 damn years to pay off, so it’s basically the same thing. I can’t leave them without paying an arm and a leg to get rid of this phone, and their service is terrible. I can’t wait to get back with Sprint.”

As of this writing, there were no definite terms completed for the possible buyout, with representatives for Sprint and T-Mobile refusing to comment.

Brad Pitt to Attacker Vitalii Sediuk: “I’ll Pay Your Bail If You’ll Fight Chuck Liddell”

Posted on June 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Brad Pitt was assaulted at the premiere of his wife Angelia Jolie’s new film Maleficent early last week by self-proclaimed celebrity “prankster” Vitalii Sediuk. Sediuk apparently made it past security and hit Pitt in the face while he was signing autographs for fans.

The scuffle was apparently short lived, as private security instantly restrained Sediuk until police arrived, where they arrested and charged him with assault. Pitt initially filed an emergency restraining order on Sediuk, but then rescinded the order when Pitt’s longtime friend, MMA legend Chuck Liddell, offered to “put a pounding” to Sediuk for him.

Although no official announcement has been made, so far what is known is that the fight will take place in Las Vegas, and that assuming all legal channels can be cleared in time, it would be set for the second week in June. Pitt was quoted as saying he thought it was a “wonderful idea,” and offered to pay Sediuk’s $20,000 bail if Sediuk would agree to take the fight with Liddell.

“This entire thing would be legit, all legal. We’re not talking about me, you know, sicking my extremely well-trained, badass friend onto some loser.” Said Pitt. “[And] Sediuk may be a loser, but this will still turn out okay. We plan to turn this all around and create a charity event, a charity fight. I want Sediuk to get his ass kicked by Chuck, and I’m going to take all the money we make from it and give it to starving and orphaned children around the world.”

Pitt and Liddell met several years ago when Liddell was hired as a fight coordinator for the film Kick Ass, which Pitt’s company Plan B Entertainment produced. Reportedly, as soon as Liddell heard about the attack, he called Pitt to pitch him the idea.

“I normally don’t get involved in things like this.” Said Liddell. “But Brad is a friend. Angelina, the kids – they’re good people. This guy is a jerkoff who thinks he is some sort of prankster, some sort of hotshot. I’ve beaten the hell out of a lot of hotshots in my day. Retired or not, I can always add one more.”

Because Sediuk has a history of altercations with other celebrities in Hollywood, other stars including Leonardo DiCaprio and Will Smith are also lending their support to Pitt. Both DiCaprio and Smith have been victims of Sediuk’s antics in the past; DiCaprio had his crotch grabbed last year, and Sediuk grabbed Smith and tried to kiss him at the premiere of Men In Black 3.

As of this writing, Sediuk was still in jail in Los Angeles awaiting a court hearing. His lawyers have brought him all relevant information on the fight, and sources say that Sediuk is willing to participate.