Hobby Lobby Adds ‘Abstinence Policy’ To Employee Handbooks

OKLAHOMA CITY, Oklahoma – Hobby Lobby Adds 'Abstinence Policy' To Employee Handbooks

Hobby Lobby is back in the spotlight today, after the company announced that they are adding new rule to their ‘Employee Code of Conduct,’ which will now include a passage that says the company expects all of their non-married workers to practice abstinence. The company is enacting the policy only a few short months after a media firestorm over their refusal to cover Plan B birth-control in their medical packages – a decision that was upheld by the Supreme Court in a landmark decision.

“Hobby Lobby is a private company, and we were founded on Christian values. Our employees have a choice, though –  They can embrace our values, or they are free to seek employment with a more secular company,” said Dick Red, Hobby Lobby spokesman. “In light of the backlash we took for our refusal to cover methods of ‘birth-control’ that we felt were more in line with ‘termination of pregnancy’ techniques, we have elected to take our Supreme Court victory a step further. Effective immediately, sexual activities outside of marriage by our employees will be grounds for termination. If a non-married employee becomes pregnant, she will be terminated so she can find her place with a new employer. If we catch any of our non-married employees having sex with each other on top of the paint brushes or balls of yarn, well then they’ll be terminated as well. Promiscuity is not a value that we here at Hobby Lobby are prepared to tolerate any longer.”

Support for the policy has poured in from Christian Rights groups and religious individuals alike. Televangelist Joey Ostein touched on the controversial policy in a recent sermon.

“God has spoken, and this company [Hobby Lobby] has heeded the call. We have become a nation of deviants and harlots. We have spiraled into a nation of homosexuals and sinners. The Bible is clear on these issues. Sex is to be between a man and a woman inside the sacred bond of marriage. Brothers and sisters, we must strive to save these sinners, as Lot strove to save the Sodomites; but like Lot, if our words shall fall on deaf ears, we must turn our backs and let God’s will be done.”

Several employees have said they plan to file suit against Hobby Lobby, claiming religious discrimination, but Red is not worried.

“God saw us through the tribulations of our previous struggle, and He will see us through this one as well. These feminists, harlots, and menaces, they say that they only want to keep the government out of their vaginas. Well I say they can start by keeping everyone else out of their vaginas as well,” said Red. “At our stores, we are going to restore the Christian values that this country was founded on. If we lose a few customers in the process, then so be it. I would rather go out of business and see my Christian customers in Heaven than pander to the ideals of Satan and wind up peddling craft supplies in Hell.”

 

New Public Poll Shows People Hate Public Polls

PITTSBURGH, PA – New Public Poll Shows People Hate Public Polls

The National Public Research Center published the results of a recent poll pertaining to people’s perception of public polls.  The upshot:  84 percent of the public hates public polls.

Chief Pollmistress Ann P. Davis provided details.

“When we poll the population on the popularity of public polls, we purposely employ precisely one pair of pollsters,” she explained. “100 people are phone polled,” explained Davis.  “We ask if they’d like to participate.  If the answer is ‘YES,’ the response is placed in the ‘YES’ pile.  If the answer is ‘NO,’ it’s placed in the ‘NO’ pile.  If you get sworn at, hung up on, or threatened, that’s an automatic ‘NO’ so the results usually are procured in no time flat!”

The findings were published in the polltaker periodical Popular Pollster, the primary publication for polling professionals.

Before you say to yourself ‘I’d rather poke out my eye than do phone polling,’ – listen to how Davis makes the task fun and challenging for her staff.

“We have a little competition every month.  If you get 50 out of 50 “NOs,” then you win round 1.  As a bonus, if your score comes from only hangups with no verbal interaction or threats, then we induct you into our Pollster Palace of Pride and we treat you lunch!”

The perky pollster does, however, miss what she calls the ‘good poll days.’  “That’s a play on words,” she explained.  “By the way, 49 percent of people hate when other people use a play on words around them.”

“Years ago,” she proceeded, “pollsters physically participated with the public – pen, pencil, pad; but with people’s faster pace, pedestrians no longer pause long enough to provide answers.”

According to Davis, person-to-person polling did have a downside, though.

“We used to get punched a lot,” she said.  “Literally, people would take a poke at a polltaker, no matter how polite we purported to be,” said Davis, pointing to a pill-shaped scar above her left eyebrow. “I got this from an elderly gentleman who thought I said ‘poll tax.’ I ate pavement that day, but, it’s all a part of the pollster game.  24 percent of people polled have been victims of public assaults.”

“But I wouldn’t trade it for the world,” she added, glancing around the office.  “Every day’s a party!”

“I DID IT!,” shouted senior poll taker Steve McNamara!  I got a 50!  BOOYAH!  FREE LUNCH! WOO HOO!” he exclaimed.

“Looks like Steve wins again!” said Davis.  “He’s won 57 per cent of our contests!”

An exclusive interview with Ann P. Davis will appear in the October issue of Popular Pollster.

‘Gone With The Wind’ Remake To Star Reese Witherspoon as Scarlett, Matthew McConaughey as Rhett

HOLLYWOOD, California – ‘Gone With The Wind’ Remake To Star Reese Witherspoon as Scarlett, Matthew McConaughey as Rhett

Harvey Weinstein, co-Chairman of The Weinstein Company, announced today that a remake of the classic southern motion picture epic, Gone With The Wind, will have its worldwide premiere on March 1, 2015.

Reese Witherspoon fills the formidable window curtain hoop skirt once worn by actress Vivien Leigh, and  Matthew McConaughey recreates the role forever identified with Hollywood legend Clark Gable.

One of the most influential films of the 20th century, 1939’s Gone With The Wind has always been considered untouchable in terms of ever being remade.

“It’s a God-awful idea,” said Robert Osborne, film historian and prime-time host of Turner Classic Movies.  “Very rarely can you remake a classic in the league of Gone With The Wind and expect it to perform well at the box office.  If it does, I’ll be just as surprised as everyone else.  With all due respect to the actors, when I first heard about this, I laughed.”

Co-starring with Witherspoon and McConaughey are Swoosie Kurtz as “Melanie Hamilton,” Jude Law as “Ashley Wilkes,” Oprah Winfrey as “Mammy,” Dolly Parton as brothel owner “Belle Watling,” and Chris Rock as “Pork,” one of the many featured slaves on the Tara plantation. Tyler Perry, originally hired to portray “Mammy” in full drag, per his Madea character that stars in several films, withdrew from the project last year due to physical exhaustion.

In a bit of non-traditional casting, Jennifer Tilly portrays the simple-minded “Prissy,” and Queen Latifah adds to her impressive acting resumé with her role as “Aunt Pittypat.”

When asked for her reaction, 98-year-old Olivia de Havilland, the only surviving cast member from the 1939 film said, “You’ve got to be kidding!”  Swoosie Kurtz to portray me?  – I mean to portray ‘Melanie?’  I just don’t see it — nor shall I!” she huffed.

Bob Weinstein, the other half of The Weinstein Company, expressed optimism about the new project.  “Hitchcock remade his own 1934 version of The Man Who Knew Too Much in 1956, and the second movie was vastly better than his original.  That’s just one example of ‘doing it right.’”  That’s what we do here, we do it right.  I guarantee this film will surprise all the nay-sayers and it’s going to be great,” he added.

As always, audiences and critics will ultimately decide the success or failure of what is fast becoming the hot topic of conversation throughout the motion picture industry.

20th Century Fox Announces Plan To Exclusively Produce Sequels, Remakes Starting in 2015

HOLLYWOOD, California – 20th Century Fox Announces Plan To Exclusively Produce Sequels and Remakes From Now On

When The Writers Guild of America went on strike in 2007, television producers were left without writers.  Producers came up with a work-around – churning out shows without writers.  “Reality Television” was born.

20th Century Fox is now adapting the same idea to movie production.  The studio announced that starting in 2015, they will be focusing exclusively on projects requiring little to no creativity whatsoever.

“It’s just going to be remakes and maybe one sequel a year – if we have the time to quickly assemble one,” announced Tom Rothman, CEO of 20th Century Fox. “We’ll be able to produce more pictures twice as fast.  We had to figure a way to keep up with the incredible hunger for more and more movies.  We’re living in an ‘on-demand’ world, so we’ve hired Quentin Tarantino as our new Director of Creative Redevelopment, and we’re just as excited as he is!”

Tarantino joined Rothman for the announcement at the studio’s Century City headquarters, and outlined his plan.

“The public wants new faces!  That’s why I do ‘homages!’  That’s French for imitations!” Said Tarantino. “That’s what homages are!  They’re scenes we’ve seen already, from films we’ve seen before!  I honor those directors, sometimes shot-for-shot!  But I cast new faces! I’m on board with this!!”

Not on board with the idea, though, is director Martin Scorsese, one of several directors idolized by Tarantino.  “This may well be the end of 20th Century Fox,” said Scorsese, producer/director of such blockbusters as Goodfellas, The Last Temptation of Christ, and ironically, the 1991 remake of the 1962 film, Cape Fear. “I started out independent,” said Scorsese.  “That’s what Fox should be doing instead of this ‘quantity over quality’ business.  It sounds like a disaster of titanic proportions.  Actually,” added Scorsese, “Titanic was a pretty good remake, … but you get my point.”

Currently, Scorsese is in pre-production for a biopic of the late great ‘saloon’ singer Frank Sinatra.  Dylan Farrow, MSNBC daytime news host and son of actress Mia Farrow, reportedly was approached to portray Sinatra, affectionately known as “Old Blue Eyes.”  Dylan Farrow is rumored to be the biological son of Sinatra, a subject Scorsese was not willing to comment upon.

“We haven’t started casting yet.  There are millions of things to set up before we think about who we cast as ‘Young Blue Eyes,’” he said.

Tarantino detailed his upcoming plan of action:

“I’m looking forward to casting new faces in old movies, or old faces in new movies!  Hey – maybe the old faces can homage themselves in the remakes if they’re still around!”  Or maybe not!  I haven’t decided yet!”

“As soon as we wrap up our current projects,” said Rothman, our new production system will go into effect.  I literally cannot wait.”

20th Century Fox says that their plans for 2015 include production on remakes of Glitter and Big Mama’s House, as well as a sequel to the Tom Green film Freddy Got Fingered. 

Family Sues Fortune Cookie Manufacturer After Finding Filthy Fortunes

CARMEL, New York – Family Sues Fortune Cookie Manufacturer After Finding Filthy Fortunes

A fun family trip quickly turned into a nasty nightmare for the Bryant family of upstate Carmel, New York, after several lewd “novelty” fortune cookies were mistakenly placed on their table.

Joy and Matt Bryant planned a day of fun for Joy’s parents, Eloise and Earl, and for their 6-year-old daughter, Angela.

“It was Mum and Dad’s anniversary.  They really wanted to visit the Guggenheim [Museum].  Mom studied art way back when, and said she practically used to live there.”

“So this man was handing out restaurant coupons,” said Earl.  “It was for a Chinese place, and you really can’t get halfway decent Chinese up by us, so I took one.  We go down the street and the place looked nice, so in we went!”

“The food and the service were good,” he added.

“I had the orange chicken!” said Angela.  “And then I needed another fortune cookie because I dropped my fortune cookie on the floor.  It said ‘You will have a surprise very soon.’”

The fortune proved to be chillingly accurate.

Waiter Eddie Tan explained what happened next.

“The girl was upset because she dropped her cookie, so I go back and grab a handful and put them on her plate, and she was very happy.  I go back to the kitchen and the mother screams and the father yells ‘Where’s the boss?  Where’s the boss?’”

Tan had mistakenly taken a handful of “adult” novelty fortunes meant only for the staff to see.  The smutty fortunes were brought in earlier as a ‘gag’ gift to celebrate a co-worker’s birthday.

Joy explained, “My 6-year-old turns to me and asks, ‘Mommy, what’s a r–job?  It says ‘Tonight you will get a r–job.’  Well, I screamed out loud and my husband told my daughter never to say that word again.  Then we read the rest of them.”

“The next one said, ‘You will eat some p—- tonight,’” she continued.  “And the one after that said ‘You need to get a rusty trombone.’ I was horrified!  At church we got a pamphlet with every dirty word you can think of to teach your children not to say – that’s how I knew what every word meant,” she quickly explained.

Joy’s father didn’t understand what all the fuss was about.

“Matt was getting the manager,” said Earl, “so I took a look at the other ones and they sounded okay to me.  I don’t know what an ‘Angry Dragon’ is, but I figured it was something about the Chinese New Year.  I know what a ‘piledriver’ is because I used to do that all the time with my guys.”  Earl is a retired telephone company foreman.

“Another one said ‘Do you like hobknocking?’ Maybe I do.  Beats me.  The last one I read said ‘Give me a blumpkin!’ That sounded like a fancy dessert, and since we only got the orange slices and fortune cookies, I really wanted to get a blumpkin!  Then the waiter took them away.”

“I raised Holy Hell!” Said Matt. “The waiter explained what happened and said they wouldn’t charge us for lunch, like that was going to make everything all right!  I told him I was going to sue them and the fortune cookie company for emotional distress.  Joy still cries about how they ruined her parents’ anniversary.  She was crying and we never even made it to the museum!  We were so upset, we let Angela go stay with her grandparents for a few days. We both just stayed at home…In bed. Er, reading our Bibles. Yeah, our Bibles. That’s it.”

The case of Bryant v. Hung’s is expected to be settled out of court.

Garage Mechanic Charged With Battery

NORTH AURORA, Illinois – Garage Mechanic Charged With Battery

Garrett Nelson should be at work at Bates Auto Body in North Aurora, Illinois, but instead, he’s in a holding cell with bruised knuckles and a sprained ankle.

Aurora Beacon-News’ local crime reporter, Peter Lazenby, discovered the 38-year-old Nelson sitting by himself in the holding cell, and decided to strike up a conversation.

“It was obvious he had gotten into a fight,” said Lazenby.  “He was pretty bruised up.  I told him I was a reporter and he said he knew my name because he reads my ‘Pete’s Beat’ police blotter column.  Our talk turned into an interview, so I ended up doing a human-interest story on him.  Turns out this guy really has led an interesting life.  Also the fact that a mechanic was charged with battery – I mean the thing practically wrote itself!”

Lazenby shared a section of the conversation with Empire News.

Peter Lazenby:  Do you mind if I ask what happened?

Garrett Nelson:  I took a swing at a guy who was trying to tell me how to do my job.

PL:  Where do you work?

GN: Bates Auto Body on River Road.

PL:  How did the fight start?

GN:  I promised to have this guy’s car finished by 3:00, but things got backed up since a school bus packed full of singing nuns broke down right in front of the shop.  I spent about 2 hours fixing them up, so then the guy comes back and asks me how come his car isn’t ready.

PL:  Did you tell him about the singing nuns?

GN:  Yeah, but he said it wasn’t his problem.  He was this suit-and-tie guy, on his phone the whole time, kinda rude.  Then he says he had a cousin who’s a mechanic and I was working too slow.

PL:  Why didn’t the guy just go to his cousin?

GN:  That’s what I asked him and it kind of ticked him off.  I told him we had a waiting room, but he said he’d rather ‘keep an eye on me out here.’  That’s just how he said it:  ‘keep an eye on me.’  Well, that really frosted my ass.  What did he think was I gonna do?  Take a dump in his car or something?  So he keeps on staring, and the next thing I know, I’m swinging at him; he’s swinging at me — he calls the police, but guess who gets stuck in here — me!”

Barrett was charged with simple battery and was confident he would be released soon.

“One customer who comes in to my shop all the time with his hybrid, he’s a lawyer, so I called him up,” said Barrett.  He brings his car in at least once a month.  God, those hybrids are crap on 4 wheels!  Anyway, I heard him say something about ‘dropping the charges,’ so I think I’ll be out of here soon.  The guy who I took a poke at left about a half hour ago.”

Barrett was released an hour later in a better mood than when he arrived.

“Hey, am I gonna be famous?” he joked, limping out of the police station.  “I never thought I’d be reading about me like this!  I might turn into a big-time celebrity!”

“Careful what you wish for!” answered Lazenby.

Lazenby’s full article will appear in this Sunday’s Beacon-News as a special feature to ‘Pete’s Beat.’

Novelty Parakeet Maker Sued After Cat Ingests Realistic Plastic Toy

FAIRFIELD, New Jersey – Novelty Parakeet Maker Sued After Cat Ingests Realistic Plastic Toy

Have you seen the commercial for the ‘perfect’ pet?  It’s not a dog, it’s not a goldfish – it’s not even living!  It’s ‘Pretty Much Polly,’ the plastic parakeet that can ‘provide hours of fun, just like the real thing!’

Polly’s colors are vibrant.  From a distance, you’d never be able to tell the difference between an actual bird and a mass-produced extruded glob of spray-painted plastic, popped out of a mold in far away China, shipped to America to satisfy the gaping maws of hungry toy consumers, begging for the latest electronic plaything.

Even cats want to get their paws on Polly.  Sadly, one curious kitten did just that, and Pretty Much Polly turned out not to be the perfect Polly toy for the small kitty.

TeleToy Corporation INC., distributor of Pretty Much Polly, has been named as defendant in a lawsuit filed by Edna Wannamaacher on behalf of Mittens Wannamaacher.  Lawyers and insiders are saying that the case, Mittens Wannamaacher v. TeleToy INC., could be a game-changer.

“Mittens was my newest best friend,” said self-described “cat lady” Edna Wannamaacher during the trial.  “He followed me everywhere.  One day, I was pouring foundation for that new development over by Harbor Road and Mittens kind of adopted me.  Next thing I knew, he was my newest roommate!  He followed me home.  I don’t know what he saw in me, but I guess he knew he’d feel at home.”

“Cats are inherently curious, we all know that,” said Allison Sandy, counsel for TeleToy, “and in this case, Mittens’ curiosity indeed did kill her, just as the biblical parable says. ‘Polly Wannamaacher’, as she called the toy, and TeleToys, should in no way be held liable for the unfortunate accident that took place.  We are not responsible for any damages.”

“Objection, your honor,” shouted Edna’s nephew, Dewey Wannamaacher, during closing arguments.  When Dewey was reminded that he was not an attorney and that closing arguments can not be interrupted, he begged for the court’s mercy, asking that his statement be heard and entered into the record.  The request was granted over Sandy’s objections.

“My aunt is not a crazy cat lady.  She does not train her cats to use the toilet like some nuts. In fact, she has opted herself to just use clumping litter along with her friends instead.  A lot of  slanderous things have been said about her in court today.  Yes, she once took a selfie for Cat Fancy magazine, showing her eating from a bowl of Meow Mix with a slew of cats, but it was just for fun. Sadly, that photograph has now come to haunt our family nine-times over.  It’s on the Internet, and…well, people can be so cruel. By my aunt is a wonderful person, and this case should not be about her life, but rather the life, and death, of Mittens Wannamaacher.”

“Millions of toy makers and yarn manufacturers could face loss of livelihoods,” countered Sandy.  “Even the entire string industry could be wiped out over a case like this. Is that fair?  I think not.  We all love cats, yes, but also — members of the jury — I implore you — also think of the sheep. There’s more at stake here than just the future of one toy line. It’s the future of the entire cat industry! This could set a precedent that could potentially wipe out laser pointers and catnip manufacturers as well.”

“Oh, I’d hate to put people out of work,” said Edna, as the jury deliberated for a second day.  “A lot of my friends work with toys and string.  But what about Mittens?  Who is going to speak for her?  She was just following her natural instincts and look where she ended up?  Dead and under the recliner, that’s where.  Mittens would have been better off left in that construction lot, looking back on it.”

Unofficial reports have surfaced hinting that the jury may be deadlocked.

“I took a good look at the jury, said Wannamaacher.  “I think half of them are dog people, and the other half are cat people. I hope we win. For the love of Mittens, I hope we win.”

Kellogg’s To Change Name Of Rice Krispies In Lieu Of Ray Rice Controversy

BATTLE CREEK, Michigan – Kellogg's Company Changes Name Of Rice Krispies In Lieu Of Ray Rice Controversy

It seems that everyone is talking about football player Ray Rice’s scandal after video footage of the NFL football star knocking out his then fiancée was released to the public last week. Today the Kellogg’s brand, who makes the cereal Rice Krispies (the iconic cereal released in 1928) and Rice Krispies Treats (released in 1995) announced that the topic has become so talked about in the media, that it has affected the sales of the cereal. The company has ultimately decided that drop the word “Rice” from their name.

Kellogg’s spokesperson Lesley Davidson told the Associated Press this morning that due to the drastic decline in sales they will be changing the name of the cereal to Kracklin’ Krispies, the treats will be named Kracklin’ Krispies Treats.

“Marketing is a funny thing. We know that it seems a bit ridiculous that the Ray Rice story would affect a brand of cereal, but it has. People relate words to either negative or positive images in the back of their subconscious minds,” said Davidson. “Think of how Kentucky Fried Chicken became KFC when the word “fried” starting having all sorts of negative connotations in a health-concious market. This is very similar. Sales in the past week have shown a dramatic drop-off in purchases of Rice Krispies and Rice Krispies Treats because of the Ray Rice Scandal. Marketing experts have it down to a science and it has been proven that certain words and names of products will trigger an impulse to buy or not to buy a product. An immediate change was deemed necessary, so our board of trustees voted on a name change.”

While serving what was a two-game suspension handed down by National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell, Rice was released by the Baltimore Ravens on September 8, 2014 after the public release of video of the brutal assault on his then-fiancée, who is now his wife. The surveillance video from the elevator they were in shows Rice punching and knocking her out, then dragging her limp body out of the elevator. After the video was released, the NFL announced that Rice would suspended indefinitely. The Ravens then pulled all merchandise bearing his name off shelves, and his former high school, Rochelle High School in New York removed his jersey and pictures from various display cases throughout the school. Rutgers University, where he played college football, has since done the same.

When asked if the name change of the cereal was permanent, Davidson stated that it would remain effective for the foreseeable future. “We will cross that bridge when we get to it. If at some point the American public stops thinking of the word rice in a negative way, we may consider it, but for now a new marketing campaign for Kracklin Krispies is being launched at full force,” he responded.

Ray Rice has been losing endorsement deals since the scandal hit. He was previously endorsed by the Otis elevator company, for whom he had appeared in live in person via presentation to large, and up and coming corporations and companies. Earlier this week he was dropped as their spokesperson. It has also been stated that legendary NFL and former San Francisco Forty-Niners great Jerry Rice is considering legally changing his name to just “Jerry.”

Other companies and products, including Uncle Ben’s White Rice and Rice-a-Roni, are also considering name changes to distance themselves from any controversy.

 

 

Hoveround Designs Mobility Skateboard For Active Seniors

SARASOTA, Florida – Hoveround Designs Mobility Skateboard For Active Seniors

Hoveround, manufacturer of best-selling power chairs and scooters, announced today a brand new family of mobility devices aimed at the more active, sports-minded consumer.

The ‘Skate-A-Round’ product line was unveiled at the 10th Annual Mobility Product Showcase held at Sarasota’s Municipal Auditorium.

“Our customers have come to rely on the dependability, safety and convenience of our scooters and wheelchairs,” said Boyd Miller, Hoveround Mobility Specialist.  “More and more seniors are living longer and leading more active lives, and we received a few feisty letters and emails asking us for more exciting products.”

71-year-old Preston Jacobs attended the mobility showcase and eagerly volunteered to demonstrate the new Skate-A-Round.  “It’s great!” said the retired tennis instructor.  “I was what you call an all-around athlete.  I played tennis, I swam, I enjoyed skateboarding and baseball — I once pitched a no-hitter in a celebrity all-star game for charity.  I struck out Hank Aaron!  He ran over and shook my hand.  He sends me a Christmas card every year!  Extraordinary guy!”

Jacobs demonstrated the electrically powered skateboard for the convention’s visitors.  “First, you gotta snap down these 2 training wheel brackets on each side by stepping on this bar.  Then you grab onto the handle where the activity lever is.  You lean back on the seat, push the ‘up’ handle to go forward, and the ‘down’ handle to go back.  It’s like being a kid again,” he said, as he sped from one product booth to another.

Another mobility product manufactured under the Skate-A-Round brand is the ‘Hipster,’ a wraparound device powered by 4 in-line skates attached to a specially modified walker.

“The Hipster is designed for the active senior who wants to feel a bit more stable,” explained Miller.  “The belted waistband wraps and snaps around the lower body like a girdle, so there’s no fear of losing your balance, and possibly breaking a hip.  Active seniors can still enjoy the full skateboard experience without the anxiety.”

“We’re excited to offer new options for our more active customers,” said Miller.  Look at the crowd around our booth!  This looks like another top-selling line for us!”

“I’ll be right back,” said Miller, rushing off.  “I lost track of Mr. Jacobs.  The last time I saw him he was doing a tailstop in front of The ‘Little Rascal’ scooter booth.  They’re our largest competitor.  I don’t want them studying our product too closely!”

Otis Brands Elevator Company Knocks Out Ray Rice Endorsement Deal

ATLANTIC CITY, New Jersey – Otis Elevator Brands Knocks Out Ray Rice Endorsement Deal

Following release by TMZ this week of a video showing NFL player Ray Rice knocking out his then-fiancee in an Atlantic City hotel elevator, Otis Elevator, manufacturer of most of the world’s elevators, has decided to let Rice go as celebrity Spokesperson for its new ad campaign, “An Uplifting Story”.  The lucrative endorsement deal was said to have totaled in the many hundreds of dollars, and persons close to the disgraced football star say he is floored by the decision.

Otis public relations officer, Carl Winters, said it was a difficult action to take, but necessary.  “Mister Rice’s endorsement had been very good for the elevator business, Otis in particular,” Winters told us by phone from his College Park, Maryland office. “Overall elevator ridership was up 3% over fiscal year 2013, and focus groups easily identified Otis Elevator as the ‘Ray Rice elevator company.” 

Winters said they had been looking forward to many years of association with Mr Rice and “as his career grew, we hoped to see our profits hit new heights, no pun intended.  But we cannot, in good conscience, have anyone associated with our brand who treats other riders so disrespectfully.  It bursts the bubble of the public’s fascination with elevator transportation, and overnight polls already show a drop off in ridership and an increase use of stairs and escalators across the country.”

An industry insider told Empire that by 6 AM the day following the video release, work crews had fanned out across the major US cities to remove Mr Rice’s likeness from billboards and buses advertising the Otis Elevator brand, but noted sadly that this gives the entire elevator transportation industry a black eye.

Junior Semples, President of the International Elevator Operators and Riders Consortium, told us that this will not deal a death blow to the industry, but it is already having a negative impact that will take some time to heal. 

“I have heard complaints from parents all morning with fears their children may be subjected to these so-called ‘Knockout game-style punches’ if they ride an elevator,” he said.  “I don’t know what to tell them except they should always be very careful when traveling by elevator, and whenever possible an adult should accompany children in a no more than five-to-one ratio.”

“Persons riding on an elevator should not have to fear for their safety,” said Semples.  “This incident brings up a lot of troubling questions, for instance, was Ray Rice ever given proper training in elevator etiquette and safety?  Should we allow NFL players to travel by elevator at all?  Why doesn’t the NFL require players to wear a name tag that clearly identifies them as an NFL player so persons entering an elevator can decide for themselves whether they want to risk traveling with them?  That is, at least, until all NFL players are re-educated on proper elevator transportation protocols.”

Screen Shot 2014-09-10 at 1.39.35 PM
In this image from captured security footage, we can clearly see the need for this hotel to upgrade to cameras made post-1993.


In his weekly Saturday morning address, President Obama is expected to talk about the Federal government’s response to the elevator tragedy.  Sources on Capitol Hill have hinted that the President is planning to take executive action by assigning a highly trained guard to travel in elevators nationwide on a random basis, much the same way that Air Marshals have increased their presence in airplanes as more and more attempted attacks take place.  There is a possibility that the White House will utilize Homeland Security Border Patrol agents not currently engaged in babysitting the hundreds of thousands of undocumented children who crossed the border this year for their new ‘elevator watch.’

“It’s like 1972 all over again,” Semples said, referring to the release year for the motion picture The Godfather, which showed fictional mobster Victor Stracci being gunned down in an elevator.  “Ridership plummeted after that damn movie came out, especially in parts of the country with large Italian-American populations. Took years for the industry to rebound, just like the big hit the bathroom shower industry took in 1960 after Janet Leigh was hacked to death in a shower at the Bates Motel.  I just hope this Ray Rice incident won’t cause the same slump, because in this economy that could mean a loss of jobs.”

Mr Rice could not be reached for comment.

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