Subway Employee Who Drugged Police Officer’s Drink Also Ejaculated Into Spicy Mayo Sauce

Posted on August 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

A sandwich shop employee accused of drugging a police officer’s drink earlier this month has admitted he also contaminated the spicy mayo sauce with his semen.

It’s been more than a week since 18-year-old Tanis Ukena was arrested.

Investigators told The Associated Press they didn’t feel comfortable pressing charges until lab results are returned to confirm what was in the drink.

Initial tests indicated meth and THC were present in the beverage.

Ukena denies putting drugs in the officer’s drink, although he did admit to masturbating into the spicy mayo, after police officers said they would find out the truth in labs, and he “better fess up.”

Ukena says that he did not use the spicy mayo when making officer’s sandwich and the mayonnaise-masturbation incident was unrelated.

“I was just bored and unscrewing the cap, I thought – ‘maybe that would feel good.’ I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. Also my lawyer has advised me to say I respect police and any use of force by police is justified in my book.”

New Implant Can Alert You Via Text Message When Your Spouse Is Cheating

Posted on July 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A new microchip developed by NASA researchers will soon be released to market, which will allow people to keep tabs on their spouse, and receive text messages when they are cheating.

“The technology works on perspiration and saliva,” said creator Martin Deen, of NASA. “When the chip is implanted, secretly, by the spouse of a cheater, the implant will automatically pair with the person’s body, recognizing their DNA. When the chip notices that another person’s sweat, saliva, semen, blood, or other bodily fluid is recognized, then it automatically sends a text message to a programmed number as proof that the carrier is, indeed, cheating.”

So far, researchers have sold about 200 units to women and men who expect that their partner is cheating, and the results have been wonderful.

“The offending spouse never even knew how they got caught, but in the end, it always catches them red handed,” said Deen.

Deen says that the chip will work best if implanted into somewhere such as the penis or vagina, for maximum effect.

Aspartame Addicts Brow Beat Pepsi Into Bringing Back The Artificial Sweetener

Posted on June 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Diet Pepsi’s divorce from artificial sweetener aspartame didn’t last long. Customers who swear they can taste the difference between the old and new diet Pepsi demanded they bring back aspartame, and fearing they will lost sales to Coke, PepsiCo has complied.

PepsiCo said Monday that it would reintroduce a version of Diet Pepsi made with aspartame, which it had abandoned last year following public pressure over questions about the sweetener’s health effects.

Long time diet Pepsi drinking Irwin Erwin wrote multiple letters demanding the return of his favorite drink. “These health nuts are taking away everything good in America. So what if aspartame causes cancer? Everything causes cancer these days. If I want to drink my diet Pepsi, while smoking a cigarette and eating a pack of nitrate laden hot dogs, that’s my right as an American.”

The new offering, sweetened with aspartame and Ace-K, will be called Diet Pepsi Classic Sweetener Blend and will be offered in 12-packs, 2-liter bottles and 20-ounce bottles. Diet Pepsi sweetened with sucralose and Ace-K — the version that replaced the aspartame kind in summer 2015 — will remain as Pepsi’s primary calorie-free cola, including in fountain drinks.

Amazon Breaking Into Alcohol Sales Using New Dash Button

Posted on June 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SEATTLE, Washington –

Amazon’s one-click Dash program will soon be expanding, including an option to order Pabst Blue Ribbon. The retail giant will be adding “dozens of new brands” to the service, which already offers a wide range of items from toilet paper and diapers to drinks and pet food.

Introduced last March, the Dash button was designed to offer faster, simpler ordering for members of its $99-per year Amazon Prime service. As opposed to opening up Amazon on a computer or phone, users would order a Dash button and then simply press it to reorder that particular item. In the year since the company first announced the product, Dash has grown to include over 100 brands. To celebrate the product’s one year anniversary the company in March added several big names. Among them: Brawny, Charmin, Clorox, Doritos, Energizer, Lysol, Peet’s Coffee, Playtex, Purina, Red Bull, Starbucks, Trojan, and Vitamin Water.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is particularly excited about the new beer option. “Dash for Pabst Blue Ribbon is going to save lives, especially in areas with same day delivery. No longer will alcoholics have to drive to the liquor store. They’ll order discounted cases from us, and when they’re getting low, all they need to do is hit a button.”

Class Action Suit Being Filed Against Starbucks For Ripping Off Customers

Posted on June 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Starbucks has been accused of ripping customers off by under-filling customers’ cups, and a class action suit will press for damages. If successful anyone who purchased Starbucks between 2011-2016 will be able to claim free products or receive a cash refund of an undetermined amount. According to the suit, customers have been ripped off up to three ounces per cup, due to intentional underfill.

Outraged customer Lillith Grace says she feels entitled to a cash reward. “Starbucks sizes have a corresponding ounce equivalent. If you’re not getting it, you’re being ripped off. If you pay for something and don’t get it, you should be compensated.”

Other customers disagree with the suit. “I’ve experienced this problem and I solved it by taking the drink back to the barista and asking for more coffee to be added since the drink was almost half foam. It’s sad that this constitutes a problem in America. I doubt people in other countries are worried about too much foam in their coffee drinks,” says Chris Tibette.

A former employee, Melody Joy says the cups are underfilled to prevent spillage. “I worked for Starbucks and we left the room in the cups so the drinks are not so easily spilled. Starbucks would be sued if they filled them to the brim and people got burnt or ruined their clothes. Variables such as cream or foam require room to be left at the top to add them. Without that space it makes it impossible for the customer to handle their drink if it’s too full. If your cup isn’t full enough tell the barista at that time!”

Could Denying Russians From Olympic Games Start Another War?

Posted on June 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil –

Analysts fear tensions with the Russians could lead to another war if the Russians are banned from participating in the Olympic games. The Russian sports minister says “up to 67 athletes” have applied to track and field’s world governing body to be exempted from the ban on the Russian team at the Rio de Janeiro Olympics

The IAAF is unlikely to approve most of the 67 athletes, since it has previously indicated the exemption is aimed at a small minority of athletes based abroad.

When a global governing body for sports barred Russia’s track and field team from the 2016 Summer Olympics on Friday over a wide-ranging doping scandal, it was greeted in Russia, as is with a deep sense of victimhood.

President Vladimir V. Putin of Russia called the decision “unjust, of course.”

Mr. Putin said, “Russia is strengthening antidoping controls and athletes should bear personal responsibility for using performance-enhancing drugs.” Punishing the whole team, he said, “doesn’t fit any norms of civilized behavior.”

Outside Russia, sporting officials viewed the unanimous decision as a long overdue restoration of some fairness in competitions. After all, in some sporting events Russian athletes had been trouncing competitors for years before it turned out they were using performance-enhancing drugs.

Facebook Releasing Option To Block Foreigners From Friend Requesting You

Posted on June 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SILICON VALLEY, California –

People should be careful about unusual friend requests on Facebook because most of them are scams, according to an expert. University of South Florida information systems professor Brandon Gill said that people should be cautious when getting requests from others they don’t know.

“In many cases, the reason these persons are friend requesting people are scams, including trying to steal people’s identities. Often though, they are just foreigners who want to practice their English, and that can be even worse.”

Although Facebook has options in the privacy settings to block people from friend requesting a user, many want to make new friends, but not filter through people with names like Миша Петров, Arablife Mike, and Sarkar Deepankar.

Facebook user Jessie Rose is excited about the new options. “I used a picture of a hot chick as my profile pic so I get a lot of friend requests. I am so tired of weeding through the Sayeeds and Aashrafs. Sometimes I accidentally click accept, and it’s annoying to have to go through and delete these guys. I only want to get hit on by people in the United States.”

Government Plans To End ‘War On Drugs’ By 2018

Posted on June 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

People of all stripes are asking a question, “Should all drugs be legalized?” For many people, the answer is yes, traditional, younger liberals are not the only ones who agree.

“There are many academic and anecdotal reasons to support the belief that all drugs should be legalized and the money spent for incarcerating those convicted of possession or even low-level dealing should be spent on rehabilitation and jobs training instead,” says Republican Senator Roy Blunt. “We are working on a bill that will end the war on drugs, so we can focus on more important things like the war on terror. If there are less drug offenders in our overcrowded prisons, there will be more room to incarcerate suspected terrorists.”

This attitude is representative of most Americans, as attitudes about drugs have changed drastically over the last 15 years. According to a Pew report, in 2001, 47% of all Americans supported the notion that states might eliminate mandatory sentences for drug users. At the time, the news was full of drive-by shootings and turf wars all over the nation and the citizenry as a whole was tired of violence. By 2014, 67% of Americans believed that mandatory sentencing was wrong for lower level possession and dealing of drugs. People believed it was more important to focus on treating drug users, and this included people caught with cocaine and heroin.

Water May Become As Expensive As Oil Soon In Some Parts Of The World

Posted on June 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

The average person does not think twice when he turns on the water for a shower, a drink or to clean his hands. We have all enjoyed access to clean, fresh water for years without a single worry. Unfortunately, this is likely to change in the future. Already in parts of the world like the Middle East and Africa, clean water can be harder to get than oil.

One proposed solution is to mine ice from the icecaps, since they are melting into the oceans anyway, and ship them to places like Saudi Arabia in exchange for it.

This is only going to get worse across the globe, as ecologist Bridget Bishop explains, “If humanity fails to limit population growth, wars will inevitably be fought for access to fresh water just like they were fought over oil in the 20th century. It is not prudent use of massive amounts of water to maintain lush green golf courses throughout the year. If we continue our wasteful ways, water could eventually become even more valuable than oil.”

Politicians, economists, demographers and just about anyone else “in the know” agrees that access to clean and fresh water will soon become humanity’s most important challenge. This is precisely why water will be treated like oil was in the 20th century.

Flour Recall After Teen Dies Of E. Coli

Posted on May 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The first person to die from the recent E. coli outbreak did not ingest the the tainted flour intentionally, but accidentally, when a friend threw it on him.

Kurt Haney got some flour in his mouth when a friend threw a bag of Gold Medal flour on him during an “antiquing prank,” popular on the internet with teenagers who film the prank for YouTube. Jack, who was sleeping at the time, got a significant amount of flour in his mouth, and doctors say the fact it was uncooked is likely the reason for his death. His friend’s name is not being released at this time, pending a criminal investigation. Manslaughter charges will likely be filed.

State and federal authorities have been researching 38 occurrences of illnesses across 20 states related to a specific type of E. coli (E. coli O121), between December 21, 2015, and May 3, 2016. General Mills is collaborating with health officials to investigate an ongoing, multi-state outbreak of E. coli O121 that may be potentially linked to Gold Medal flour, Wondra flour, and Signature Kitchens flour. General Mills has recalled nearly 10 million pounds of flour. So far 147 people have been hospitalized.

“Well I, for one, am pissed about it,” says Jack’s mother, Mrs. Tanae Haney. “Do you know what a bitch flour is to get out of the carpet? You can’t simply vacuum it up – oh no. I’m just outraged his friend would think he could throw flour around, as a guest in my house. He certainly won’t be invited to sleep over again.”