Woman Sues School After Homework Causes Daughter To Have Brain Aneurysm

Posted on February 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Maine –

A Maine woman, Joleene Marques, is suing her daughter’s school, Portland High School, after the teachers’ union decided to increase the amount of homework students were given from approximately 2 hours a night, to an ungodly 9 hours per night.

“Every class that my daughter Samantha had assigned her with hours of homework. She would get home from school at 3PM, and start homework immediately, and still wouldn’t finish until after 1AM every night,” said Marques. “It was crazy. It got so bad, I admit that I had to do some of the homework for her.”

On Monday evening, Samantha, 14, reportedly collapsed and died in her home after working on homework for over 9 straight hours. Doctors say she suffered a severe brain aneurysm. Mrs. Marques is now suing the school over their increase in homework, which she says caused the stress that killed her daughter.

“High school is already a sad, pathetic joke,” said Mrs. Marques. “It doesn’t teach you nearly any real-world skills. It’s just rote memorization of dates and times and a lot of, pardon my French, shit that doesn’t at all matter. They should be teaching kids useful information, but instead, they’re killing them, literally, with bullshit.”

Mrs. Marques says she has retained a lawyer, and will be seeking damages of $50 million from the school district.

13-Year-Old Being Cyberbullied Shuts Down Computer, Goes Outside To Play

Posted on February 23, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Bobby Jennings is your average, 13-year-old teen. He enjoys hanging out with friends, going to the movies, posting on Facebook, and has a blog on Tumblr. But 2 months ago, things for Bobby changed drastically.

“I posted a funny picture of my on my Tumblr, and I immediately had a bunch of people calling me ugly, telling me I should kill myself. The hashtagged me as #yousofat, things like that,” said Bobby. “For a minute, I was upset. It got really bad, and I didn’t know what to do.”

“He was devastated that kids were making fun of him, and I didn’t know how to help him,” said Bobby’s mother, Joanne Jennings. “In my day, kids bullied you in the real world, not over the internet. Those were hard times.”

“When my mom told me she used to be bullied, and that she would come home crying every day, it made me sad,” said Bobby. “So It was then that I realized, though, that times for her were different. She was poor growing up, and she couldn’t always afford to do laundry. Sometimes the water was shut off, and she couldn’t shower. She told me all that years ago. But we’re not poor. We have a nice house. I have friends in real life. So it came to me what I should do, and I shut off the computer.”

Bobby says that ever since he shut off the computer, things have been so much better.

“I went outside to play and ride bikes with my friends. We built a tree house. It’s pretty awesome, honestly,” said Bobby. “I’ve felt so much better ever since I got off the internet. I think more kids who are being bullied online should do what I did and, you know, get offline. It’s pretty easy.”

Harper Lee Dies, Internet Assumed Author Passed Years Ago

Posted on February 20, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Harper Lee, the prolific author who wrote the classic novel To Kill a Mockinbird, died on Friday at the age of 89, according to her publisher.

Sadly, the internet generation took little notice, with most assuming that the author was long dead.

“I had to read that boring mess when I was in junior high school,” said high school senior Jordan Matthews on his Twitter. I assumed that he was long dead.”

“I don’t know who this Mr. Lee is, but apparently he’s dead now, ” said another twitter user. “I think he wrote that book about birds or something.”

Confusingly, most of the posts on Twitter referred to Lee as a man, because teenagers apparently have no concept of literature in this day and age.

“I’m glad that Harper Lee died, because now we probably won’t have to read that stupid book in class,” said Facebook user Miranda Lucas. “Ugh, books are stupid.”

Smokey The Bear Dies In Horrific Forest Fire

Posted on February 18, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SANTA CLARA, California –

The devastating wildfires that have struck California over the last few years have claimed a new life this week; Smokey The Bear, everyone’s favorite childhood spokesman that wasn’t Scruff McGruff, was killed after a wildfire burned down the area in which he lived.

“It’s tragic that we have to report the loss of our beloved friend, Smokey the Bear,” said LA County fire marshall John Higgins. “Smokey the Bear was a true, humble bear, and he made all bears look good. He knew that only you could prevent forest fires, which is why he wasn’t able to do anything about the fire that struck his home, killing him.”

Smokey’s body was found charred and burned after a fire in a chunk of land was put out. He was recognizable by his little bear hat and shovel, which lay nearby.

Viral Teens Who Spelled Racial Slur With T-Shirts Forced Into Protective Custody

Posted on January 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DESERT VISTA, Arizona –

Outrage has spread across the country, directed at the six Desert Vista high schoolers who spelled out a racial slur with letters on their t-shirts during a school photo day. Parents of the six say they fear for the lives of their daughters, and have decided it would be best to put them in protective custody.

While the girls received five days suspension from school, many feel they are being let off too easy and are threatening to take justice into their own hands. One anonymous internet troll has said, “Five days suspension. Nigga please. When I see them they gonna get beat down.”

Members of the community have also turned against the girls. “I don’t think they need extra protection after the disgrace they have brought upon Desert Vista. We are a fine community who knows racial slurs should only be used in certain company and do not belong on social media,” says Jean Wilder, a concerned citizen. “It is not acceptable to say anything bad about black people in public in this day and age – only Muslims, because most are members of ISIS.”

Superintendent Dr. Kenneth R. Baca, has said “They’re just dumb. They would have spelled any bad word they could. Just because it happened to be the N-word does not mean they’re bad kids. Their parents ask forgiveness of all the African-Americans that were offended, and beg them to please not be packing heat if they come into our neighborhoods. The girls have already changed their identities and left town.”

Didn’t Finish College? You Can Now Lie About It On Job Applications

Posted on December 8, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Most job applicants lie about graduating from community college. A 2015 study by the American Association of Community Colleges (AACC), has found that up to half of community college drop outs still list themselves as graduates on resumes. With this new knowledge, the government has mandated that it will now be legal to consider yourself a CC graduate if you’ve even attended at all.

Bill Rich, HR manager says his company, Soft Skillz Temp Agency, had to actually start checking degrees. “Chances are they attended the community college. They could tell you all about it in an interview, but often they did not actually complete their degree. If it says something like liberal studies, you know they definitely didn’t finish. Who would go for something so pointless anyway? It’s just not realistic. This new law is going to kick my ass. I’ll be checking references for weeks.”

The study predicts most applicants were getting away with it, and researchers speculated that job seekers have gotten lazy, due to lackadaisical reference checking. Rich says, “They think we’re not going to call. They think nobody actually checks references. Sad thing is in most cases they’re right.”

New D.A.R.E. Program To No Longer Talk About Dangers of Marijuana

Posted on December 3, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Insane celebrity and National D.A.R.E. Spokesman Ted Nugent has announced the program will phase out the anti-pot segment of the DARE program. DARE will instead focus more on harder drugs, such as heroin and cocaine.

Following the marijuana acceptance trend that has spread across the country, “We’ve pretty much given up on trying at this point. It used to be that some kid would narc on their parents about smoking marijuana and we’d get excited,” said Nugent, who has been a spokesman for DARE for the last 47 years. “That’s not so special anymore. We want to crack down on heroin and meth and that shit.”

According to Nugent, the DARE program has needed an overhaul for quite some time, and he is extremely excited that weed will no longer be on the agenda.

“Besides, marijuana cures cancer. I read it on Facebook. As a gun-loving American my first biggest concerns are the war on drugs and the war on terror, but cancer’s up there too,” said Nugent.

Students Bullied In School Over Sexuality Should ‘Act Less Gay,’ Says Principal

Posted on November 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHARLESTON, South Carolina –

A school principal is in hot water today after telling a student who was being bullied over his sexuality that if he wanted to not get picked on, he should “act less gay.”

“It’s only rational to me that if you come into school, and you’re super flaming and other kids are harassing you, that maybe you should tone it down a bit, and stop flaunting your extra gayness,” said principal John Waters of Charleston Junior High. “I have nothing against gay people. Some of my closest friends are gay, but they don’t walk around wearing pink shirts with pictures of penises on them and painting their faces with rainbows like some of these kids do today.”

School policy does not allow faculty to divulge the name of any students involved in bullying incidents, but some students spoke to a local Charleston news station, anonymously, about the harassment they’ve dealt with.

“I used to get picked on all the time because I’m a Jew,” said one student. “I told the principal, and he told me just to stop wearing my yarmulke, and maybe cut my ‘jew dreads,’ and the bullies would forget about me. I was a little upset at first, but I did what he suggested, and now I don’t get picked on, so I guess his advice worked.”

“I’ve actually told Principal Waters multiple times that I get picked on all the time for being poor and black, but he told me to just to suck it up, because there was no way I couldn’t pretend to not be black anymore,” said another student. “He did suggest that I rob a couple stores and get higher-end clothes, and maybe appear more rich, but that only worked for a couple weeks, because I only had one set of nice clothes. After they started to smell, I got picked on for that. The principal sucks.”

School administrators say they are “looking into” repeated incidents of misconduct on the part of Principal Waters.

‘Clock Kid’ Mad 15 Minutes of Fame Is Over, Says He’s Thinking Of New Scam To Get Back On TV

Posted on November 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALLAS, Texas –

Ahmed Mohammed, the kid who built a hoax bomb and brought it to school and became an international celebrity after he was arrested, gave an interview with a local Dallas news station saying he was “extremely upset” that people had forgotten about him already, and that he didn’t expect that his “15 minutes of fame” would be over so quickly.

“I built that fake bomb – er, I mean, I built that clock and brought it to school, and the whole world went nuts,” said Mohammed, standing next to his father, Mohammed Mohammed. “Now it would seem that people have forgotten about me, and it’s only been a few weeks. My family and I, we can’t not be in the spotlight, so we are coming up with a new scam, er, I mean, a new plan, to have people talking about us again.”

Mohammed was arrested after he brought a hoax bomb to school. Many people were upset because he was arrested, although those people generally didn’t read past headlines, and never knew that Mohammed’s arrest actually came about because the “clock” was clearly a hoax bomb, which is a crime to carry. Mohammed himself even admitted in interviews that he knew the device “looked sketchy.”

“The clock thing got me some cool gear, and some cool trips, and I even got to meet terrorist leader!” said Mohammed. “Now, though, my family’s spotlight is fading, so we’re figuring out a way to get back on people’s radar. Our first step is to sue the school and town for $15 million dollars.”

Mohammed Mohammed, Ahmed’s father, agreed that something “would have to be done” to keep his family from fading into obscurity like they so rightly deserve to do.

New Jersey Elementary School Has Halloween Parties Despite Criticism

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LONGFELLOW, New Jersey –

The Longfellow Elementary School in New Jersey is taking some serious criticism from parents and religious groups, after they sent letters home with students indicating that they would have Halloween parties on Friday whether “parents liked it or not.”

“We have a vast array of students here, and not all of them come from families whose religious or conservative views make them boring, brainless, and complete sticks-in-the-mud,” read the letter written by school administrators. “We’ve had Muslims, Christians, and every other religion asking us to NOT have Halloween parties, and we think that is rubbish. Kids will be kids, and we want them to have some fun during the school day. If you don’t like it, keep your kid home.”

The administration is taking some heat for the move, with many parents saying that they don’t want their kid involved in the “Devil worship” that happens on Halloween.

“Most parents are pretty damn stupid, and that’s what this comes down to,” said school principal John Freemont. “Halloween is about fun for kids. It’s not about the Devil. It’s not about witchcraft. For the kids, it’s about some candy and bobbing for apples. These parents who don’t want their kids to celebrate the holiday don’t have to send their kids to school. Of course if they don’t, they will have to come make up that day at the end of the year.”

Freemont says that any parent who has concerns about the holiday are welcome to call his office, where he says he has an answering machine already rigged up.

“It just tells them to kiss my school’s metaphoric ass,” said Freemont. “No one is taking away the fun from my students. Not even their parents.”