New University Study Shows Marijuana Concentrate ‘Dabs’ Cause Brain Cancer

Posted on January 7, 2015 by DesireeAmber

TUCSON, Arizona –

At the University of Arizona College of Medicine, recent test studies show that smoking marijuana concentrates, also called “dabs,” users are increasing their risk of developing cancerous cells in their brain by almost 7 times when compared to just regular weed smoking.

Out of 75 test subjects, 11 subjects, both male and female, are showing signs of cancerous activity after only 18 months of smoking the concentrated marijuana dabs. Monitored behavior logs were kept, along with consultations and activities performed daily, monitoring standard marijuana smoking versus dab smokers.

University of Arizona representative Amanda Schuyler released the findings after concluding that the public needed to have the information on hand before the study would be fully completed.

“As the use of ‘dabs’ becomes more and more common amongst marijuana users seeking a much better high, we felt we needed to get our findings out there as soon as possible, as the dangers of holding onto such information could be disastrous,” said Schuyler. “The effects of residual butane exposure, which is a chemical used in preparing the dabs, actually isn’t as bad as you’d think. What’s really causing the cancer to grow at such a rapid rate is the concentrated marijuana. Taking one dab is just like smoking 4,000 joints at once. It’s deadly.”

7 Out of the 11 subjects being observed while using concentrates that were negatively effected are showing severe destruction of neurons in the brain, losses unlike anything ever seen. With no current possibility for regrowth of brain matter, it’s being suggested by the university researchers that concentrated ‘dabs’ be categorized with the government as a class 1 felony drug.

Debates have been heated in the medical marijuana, as well as recreational-use communities as to the benefits of these concentrates. Marijuana concentrates, also known on the streets as “hippie crack,” is made by using marijuana and butane to transform the plant into a goopy liquid, which gets heated and smoked through special, often very elaborate, glass pipes.

“I really hope that the government listens to our findings on this horrible, seriously damaging drug,” said Schuyler. “Just like standard marijuana, this new form is extremely deadly and could easily kill you. It needs to be controlled by the government, and it needs to be a strict felony as punishable by law.”

Recent Study Suggests Over 85% Of Social Media Users Can’t Correctly Solve Simple Math Equation

Posted on December 30, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania – $Recent Study Suggests Over 85 Of Social Media Users Can't Correctly Solve Simple Math Equation$

In an experiment conducted by the Department of Mathematics at the University of Pittsburgh, after releasing a simple math equation via social media, research suggests that eighty-five percent of users cannot correctly answer the mathematical equation, (2 x 2 + 2 – 2 x 2 – 2), without using a calculator, internet search engine, or asking a friend.

Professor of Mathematics at the University of Pittsburgh, Dr. Geraldine Williamson, led the mathematical social experiment, and says she was shocked that the general consensus of Americans could not answer the simple math problem.

“It is quite alarming, I must say. More than fifty-percent of people could not answer it correctly whether they used a calculator or not,” Williamson said in a published interview with education journalist Paul Frazier in the Pittsburgh Gazette. “It only says one thing about schools in the United States – they are not getting the job done. If there is really that many mathematically challenged people running around, then our economy is doomed to failure.”

Even more alarming, and to the ultimate dismay of Williamson, as the research on the social reaction of the math equation began, several of her students began to argue over their conflicting answers. “I was appalled,” Williamson said. “Out of seventy-five students, more than twenty of them came up with the wrong answer and proceeded to argue that they were correct. It was terrifying! I feared I would have an aneurysm.”

The correct answer, while obvious to some, was not given by Dr. Williamson, as she said she feared simply ‘providing the answer’ would create more ignorance and stupidity among the already ‘math dull.’

“I encourage people to simply work it out for themselves,” said Williamson. “My god, it’s just math, it’s not rocket science.”

Think you know the answer? Let us know in the comments below!

Kentucky Middle Schools Forcing Students To Take Class On Satanic Bible

Posted on December 14, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

FRANKFORT, Kentucky –

The Kentucky Department of Education has approved, and even made it mandatory, that all state-run middle schools in the Commonwealth teach a one-semester class to all eighth grade student about the collections, essays, and rituals in the collective work of Anton LaVey’s infamous Satanic Bible.

Department spokesperson David Hastings made the announcement early this morning, citing the board of directors recent decision to allow various religious teachings in schools. According to their new policies, students are free to be able to study from a myriad of religions, even while attending schools that are part of the public sector. Normally, schools prefer to keep religion out of the classroom.

Hastings sent out an email to every teacher and parent in the state school system, saying that in this modern age, humanity needs to forget all that has been preached to them and start from the basics.

“People have the wrong idea immediately when The Satanic Bible is mentioned, almost all of whom have failed to read a single sentence of LaVey’s masterpiece. Some of these God-fearing folk have never even read the Christian bible, and how can you make religious and moral decisions for yourself if you haven’t studied the text?”

“For years the great teachers of our fine state have scratched our collective heads trying to solve the puzzle as to why we are so much further behind than most other states,” said Mark Ryder, a member of the state’s Department of Education. “The answer is simple – we have been programmed as followers instead of truth seekers. We are not saying there is a wrong or right, we are saying take all the information, piece it together and then decide how you feel as an individual.”

To help calm the concerned citizens, the state will also be offering free adult education classes on the course to help prepare parents for the inevitable questions that their children will have about Satan.

“I can’t believe it took this long!” said Iroquois Middle School principal Van Avery. “You can’t just pray at night and not work to survive; you have to do all the work. That’s what the Satanic bible will teach the children. It is wrong for the Christians to teach that all you have to do is pray to fix everything. I prayed once that I’d win the lottery, yet I can’t even win on a $5 scratch off. It is all lies. Seek the truth, don’t be a follower.”

The first students to participate in the state-wide course will be the eighth grade class of the school year 2016-2017.

Teen Dehydrates After Mistakenly Taking Bath With Salts

Posted on December 12, 2014 by DvanL

BURLEY, Idaho –

14-year-old Jeremy Dalton was admitted to the Cassia Regional Medical center in Burley last week suffering from extreme dehydration. What makes this ordinary sounding event extraordinary is the way in which he became dehydrated.

“He wanted to be ‘cool’ like all the kids who were doing bath salts,” said Jeremy’s mother Myra, 32. “He put a bag of rock salt in the tub and then took a bath. I guess he thought that’s what you were supposed to do. I walked in and found him shriveled up and crying.”

Synthetic drugs, including “bath salts,” are an increasingly growing problem, especially in rural areas around the country. “Bath Salts” are actually man-made chemicals similar to amphetamines, and are taken either nasally or orally. They are not connected in any way to regular mineral salts, which are dissolved in bath water and used for relaxation.

Last year, the state of Idaho released a parents’ guide focusing on the abuse of synthetic drugs, published after state and county health officials noticed a spike in bath salt related emergencies and overdoses.

Drug abuse and addiction specialist Dr. Phyllis Bromley remarked, “Every so often, a new drug craze is introduced and word spreads quickly now with social networks. We try to keep one step ahead of the drug peddlers but at this point, we can only hope to keep up with them after a number of young people are hurt, or in some cases, killed.”

“I didn’t see that parents’ guide,” said Myra, “but I did tell him not to copy what the other kids were doing. I blame peer pressure for making him do it. We all did some stupid things when we were kids, like the 2 years I took up smoking to look cool, or the time I had an orgy with that biker gang, but I never did anything like this. Never drugs. The reason why I wanted to get the word out even though my son is only 14, is to let other parents know that it can happen to them, even if they think it won’t.”

When asked if he would experiment with drugs in the future, Jeremy, through parched lips, mumbled “Never again.”

Jeremy shows no signs of permanent damage, and is expected to make a full recovery after a day or two of observation and intravenous rehydration therapy.

Elementary School Principal Fired, Arrested For Planning Real-Life ‘Purge’

Posted on December 11, 2014 by Chip

WINTERFLOCK, Pennsylvania –

Principal Douglas Warner has officially been let go from his position at the Boutland Elementary School located in the small town of Winterflock, Pennsylvania. Warner was removed from his position after it was discovered he had been planning a school ‘purge’ modeled after the blockbuster hit movie The Purge, in which one day a year American citizens are able to kill each other without worrying about legal recourse.

It has been reported that Principal Warner has been planning the purge for months, and intended to follow through with the act at the beginning of the new year. Warner said he wanted to wait until 2015 so the parents of any affected children would be able to spend one last Christmas with their kids.

Police questioned Warner about his reasoning behind the school purge, and Warner said it was all about ‘weeding out’ the troublemakers.

“It’s obvious I was just fantasizing at an attempt to help society by weeding out some of the crazy, violent, troubled kids, and of course, the school bullies,” said Warner. “I mean come on, I wasn’t really going to do it, as far as you know…but you have to understand that there are always those certain kids who are just tiny little assholes. If we just get rid of those kids now, then we won’t have to deal with them when they are in tenth grade, bringing their dads handguns to school underneath their trench coats.”

Warner’s purge was uncovered when a fourth grade teacher found a notebook detailing explicit plans of the even, and turned it over to local police. Police reports show that within the notebook Warner had listed his intention of arming all students with make shift weapons the day of the purge.

Though Warner has been let go from his job at Boutland Elementary and was initially arrested, he was eventually released when police said they didn’t have enough evidence of crime to convict. It remains unclear if further legal action will be taken against Warner. In addition, legal sources have said that Warner would be able to get a principal job at a school within a different district without issue, assuming no charges are filed.

Christmas Carols Banned In NYC Schools Unless The Word ‘Christmas‘ Replaced With ‘Holiday’

Posted on December 10, 2014 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK, New York –

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio just declared war on Christmas, and he’s making the children pay the price. NYC schools and chorus programs will have to change their Holiday shows to exclude songs with the word ‘Christmas’, or replace it with the word ‘Holiday’.

”I don’t hate Christmas, but it’s not about me, it’s about the thousands of children that don’t celebrate Christmas, and could find it offensive,” said de Blasio. “New York has always been the great melting pot, and our Muslim population has never been higher. After receiving complaints from Muslim leaders I’ve decided to cave in, basically. It’s not that big of deal really – it’s the time of year our schools put on their Holiday band and chorus shows, so just leave out songs that have the word ‘Christmas’ in them, or replace the word ‘Christmas’ with ‘Holiday’.”

“While we are at it, maybe it’s best not to have any songs with ‘Santa’ in them, either” said public school principal Mark DeWitt. “I agree whole-heartedly with the mayor on this decision. The important thing is not to offend anyone. ‘I’m dreaming of a white holiday’ is just as pretty as ‘white Christmas’. If we are all going to get along, we are going to have to change. And by ‘we’, I mean Americans are going to have to change.”

“It’s insane! ‘White Holiday?’ ‘It’s Beginning To Look a Lot Like Holiday’? It’s just stupid,” said Chorus instructor Carmine Classi,” We need a Mayor with a backbone, this guy is so far left he makes Obama look like a conservative, this city is going right down the holiday shitter, if you ask me.”

President Obama Forcing Schools To Tell Children There Is No Santa Claus

Posted on December 8, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama today threatened to withhold federal funding to public elementary schools unless images of Santa are removed and students are taught that he is a fictional character. President Obama explained what is being called by the Republicans as the ‘Scrooge Clause’ in a statement earlier this morning.

”It’s time children stop believing in a jolly old man who brings them presents, when the truth is Santa didn’t bring those gifts, the government did,” said President Obama. “Those presents aren’t made by elves, they are made by companies, that stay in business thanks to government breaks. Santa’s reindeer didn’t help delivery those presents, they traveled by trucks on roads and highways built by the government. It’s time children realize there is no Santa, only big government, government that will take care of you from cradle to grave.”

“We believe that It’s time to take down those pictures of Santa and replace them with pictures of the White House, or better yet, pictures of our great President,” said Vice President Joe Biden. “Without our president, and without our government, there wouldn’t be any Christmas. Not to mention that most children in this country are getting presents bought by their parents with welfare money, and by their grandparents with social security. All the good boys and girls get toys bought with government handouts.”

Naturally, many people are outraged that the government would take a stand on Christmas, and force them to explain that Santa is fictional, which would cause many children to burst into tears. Republican leaders are especially upset, as they worry about what a world with no Santa could mean for the future of commerce.

“No Santa? Well that really is some communist, pinko bullshit,” said Senator Ted Cruz. ”I just want the kids out there to know, I believe in Santa. In my letter to Santa only asked for one thing, and that is to be your next President. Because when I’m President, I’m going to make a special holiday for Santa so he doesn’t have to share one with Jesus. I’m thinking we lose Martin Luther King’s Birthday since it looks like no one believes in his message of peace anyway, and make it Santa Day instead! With a little bit of Santa’s magic help, I will become your next President.”

Kindergarten Teacher Arrested For Having Sex With Student, Says ‘I Want To Marry Him’

Posted on December 2, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BROKEN ARROW, Oklahoma –

A 27-yr-old kindergarten school teacher was arrested on Monday for allegedly having sex with a student. The teacher, Sara Styles, was released on bail and was quoted as she left the courthouse saying, “I love him, and I want to marry him.” The student’s name was not immediately released due to the circumstances of the incident.

“I love him, and he loves me,” said Styles in an interview with a local Oklahoma newspaper. “He makes me so happy, I want to marry him. I don’t care about the age difference, 20 years from now what will it matter? He has already said he will wait for me if I have to go to jail. We met on the playground after school about two months ago, and it’s been a whirlwind romance ever since. We never had sex on school grounds, so I don’t see what the big deal is.”

“I don’t see this case going anywhere, personally. I mean, I’m pretty sure that the kid knew what he was doing. Plus, Miss Styles is reportedly a very good teacher, I’m sure she showed him some good tricks,” said Police Chief Charles Gordon. “If anything, the kid should get a medal. All the officers were giving him high fives when he came by the police station. I mean shit, did you see Miss Styles? She’s smokin’ hot. I wish I was so lucky when I was a kid. All my teachers were old nuns.”

Superintendent Joel Olsen of the Broken Arrow School District said that Miss Styles met the student in question during an after school field day sponsored by the high school.

“The student Miss Styles is involved with is a 18-year-old senior, who was volunteering during the field day activities. While it’s certainly not illegal for a 25-year-old woman to have sex with a 18-year-old, it is illegal for a teacher to have sex with a student, whether that student is one of her own or not,” said Olsen. “We’re taking the matter very seriously, and Miss Styles has been put on leave with pay, per her union contract.”

Doctors Diagnosing Millions Of Children With New Illness – Is Your Child At Risk?

Posted on November 25, 2014 by DvanL

CALDWELL, New Jersey –

Elmo, Big Bird, Bert and Ernie – all staples of PBS kids’ programming. Wholesome entertainment for children, and safe enough so parents don’t have to worry. But what if children can’t pry themselves away?

Doctors have a name for it: PBSD – Public Broadcasting Service Disorder. If your child can’t stop watching PBS Kids programming without exhibiting signs of depression or anxiety, or throwing a non-stop temper tantrum, then he or she may suffer from PBSD.

PBSD was the problem faced by Monica Hall, mother of 7-year-old Peter. “I had just gotten him weaned off ‘Hooked on Phonics,’ and now this. He can’t stop watching PBS Kids shows,” said the frustrated divorcée. “I guess it’s better that than watching those horrible Kardashians or the violence programs, though. Still, I can only take so much Peppa Pig and Sesame Street.”

Monica noticed Peter’s PBSD symptoms during a recent trip into New York City. “We went to see the Radio City Christmas Show,” said Monica. “We walked up from Times Square and Peter spotted one of those life-sized Elmos on one corner and ran up to him. This Elmo was kind of stinky and dirty and his fur was all matted but Peter was happy. When we went to leave, that’s when the trouble started.”

Peter had a tantrum that wouldn’t stop. “It lasted all the way up to Radio City. All the way there people stared at me like I was a bad mother. We got into the lobby and he still wouldn’t quit. I decided to turn around and go back home. It was a horrible day.”

Doctors quickly diagnosed Peter as suffering from PBSD. “Luckily,” said Monica, “the doctor’s office had big wall paintings with all the characters he loves, so we got through the doctor visit all right. That was a lucky break and I cried tears of joy when we walked in and Oscar The Grouch was behind the reception desk.”

Peter’s school called Monica, because his attendance had plummeted. She explained the diagnosis and they sent out a social worker who told Monica as long as Peter was watching PBS, he was receiving the same amount of education – and better quality – than the school was providing.

“Last week we had a storm and the power went out,” said Monica. “That was bad for a couple of hours, but it came back on and things got back to normal, praise Grover.”

Doctors say most kids outgrow PBSD by the time they reach the age of 9. “Things could be worse,” said Monica, but I guess there’s a bright side to all this. He gets to learn, I don’t have to worry about the bullying that goes on in the schools these days, and I can get all my housework and errands done!”

Water To Be Banned In Washington Public Schools After Board Finds It ‘Unhealthy’

Posted on November 24, 2014 by JP

SEATTLE, Washington –

A new food regulation passed by the Washington State School Board is set to start after the holiday vacation.

Beginning in January, all water and ‘water-related products’ will be banned from public schools. The decision was made as a safety measure with board leaders claiming water is too unhealthy to have in any school.

“With childhood obesity, food allergies, and other concerns with what our schools feed children, you would have to think water would be the last thing that would be banned,” said school board member Joan Myles. “But we don’t have the money to test the local water system, and fear an unclean water source can lead to health issues that could make our children sick or shut down the school.”

“We have decided to cut out the middle man and save a few dollars, while making sure the risk of water won’t plague the future of our schools,” said school board president Richard Head. “Programs in schools are getting cut left and right, and now this is just another thing that will become a past memory when thinking about your schools, like music education or pizza day.”

Parents have argued that students should be able to drink water brought from home while in class, as many local residents have private wells on their property, but school board has said that will be a no-go either, as they are claiming it as a possible ‘choking hazard.’

“Lunches that will be provided at the school will also have to be made without water,” said Head. “The portions will also be cut down so children can properly swallow their food without choking. Don’t think of this is a negative change, just think of it as something that could save your child’s life. They won’t need water, because we have Coca-Cola machines that are being installed in the cafeteria and in several hallways throughout the school.”