Carrie Underwood Talks About Binge Eating Disorder

NASHVILLE, Tennessee – 

“I didn’t throw up or anything nasty like that. I’d just start eating and find myself half way through a pizza and I wouldn’t be able to stop,” said Carrie Underwood – one of the world’s biggest country and pop stars. “It started in college at Oklahoma’s Eastern State University. A place me and my friends went had 3 for $15 pizza. I couldn’t handle the urges.”

In addition to a traveling gym, Underwood says she has a traveling therapist that will talk her down when the urge to binge eat hits.

“For a while I stopped binging on my favorites like pizza and Chinese food. I’d drink bottle after bottle of ketchup and consume jars of dill pickles. I became vegan so I would only binge on ‘healthy things’. But my family is a bunch of meat eaters and I realized there would always be temptation around,” said Underwood. “Even though I hate the thought of cows being exploited, I am obsessed with rubbing butter all over body. That’s why I can’t have it in the house.”

Underwood’s full story will appear in next month’s Country Cowgirl Magazine. 

Woman Kills Husband, Says ‘Crystal Skull’ Told Her To

AUGUSTA, Georgia – 

Deanna Reaves says she killed her husband for everyone’s benefit. The 47 year old woman claims to be in contact with a member of an ancient race who resides in a crystal skull she bought from a local shop.

The crystal skull allegedly told her to hill her husband because the illuminati deemed him a threat.

Reaves explains the killing saying, “We are not indigenous to this planet. An old native American legend describes the existence of thirteen ancient crystal skulls, the size of human skulls, with moveable jaws that were said to speak or sing. The legend tells that these crystal skulls contain important information about some of the great mysteries of life and the universe. They contain knowledge about the past history of our species on this planet, and information about mankind’s true purpose and future destiny.”

“The legend also says that one day, at a time of great need, all of these crystal skulls will be rediscovered and brought back together to reveal their information vital to the very survival of the human race. But the legend also warns that when that time arrives mankind must first be sufficiently developed, suitably evolved both morally and spiritually, so as not to abuse this great knowledge.”

A judge is determining Reaves’ mental state, and whether she is fit for trial. So far, he’s thinking “absolutely fucking not.”

‘Adult Baby’ Sexual Trend On The Rise Among Kinky Section Of Public

FLINT, Michigan – 

Donald Grover has been pretending to be a baby for most of his adult life. His wife, Mary, feeds him, changes his XXL diapers, and even breast feeds him. The trend of being an “adult baby” has become more and more common in the last few years, at least when it comes to certain kinky groups that are making their way out of the underground.

“I love wearing my diaper. I love shitting myself, and I love when Mary has to change me. It’s a sexual thrill, yes, but it also brings me back to my younger and more vulnerable years, and it makes me feel so good,” said Grover, who used to be a lawyer before he started carrying a rattle. “Mary loves taking care of me, too. We never had a child of our own, so it works.”

Mary, for her part, does seem to be okay with the entire situation.

“It becomes really weird when I’m changing him and he pees on me or something. Or when he gets mad and throws his food across the room,” said Mary. “That’s not really a sexual turn-on for me, but I do the best I can with what I have. I’m no looker, you know.”

Many people say they are turned on by the idea of dressing as a baby and being pampered, although most do not do it on a regular basis.

Anti-Circumcision Activist Forcibly Circumcised

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A man who was in our nation’s capital protesting the circumcision of infants was reportedly attacked and forcibly circumcised himself, by an assailant that is being referred to as “very angry.”

“He came out of nowhere, out of the shadows, and he pulled me into an alley,” said the protestor, John Jacobs. “He whispered into my ear that ‘dicks should look good, asshole,’ and then he pulled my penis out and cut off the tip.”

Unfortunately for Jacobs, he was actually already circumcised, and the entire head of his penis was cut off.

“The guy was very angry that we were trying to make people stop cutting their babies, and I have no idea why,” said Jacobs. “I think that sometimes people are very passionate about things, and they don’t know how to handle it. Unfortunately, I may have lost my penis, but I feel no ill will. I just want this poor man found so he can get the help he needs.”

Teen Arrested For Threatening To Kill Parents After They Confiscate His Marijuana

BRIDGETON, Delaware –

An 18 year old high school senior, Jack Cloutier, was arrested at his school, Madison Sr. High, after his parents filed criminal charges against him. He has been accused of telling his parents he would kill them, after they found and confiscated marijuana from his room and refused to return in.

“First he started dressing in all black. Then his grades started falling. His face began breaking out, and before we knew it he was lashing out at me and his father,” said Mary Cloutier, Jack’s mother. “Of course we knew he must be on drugs, because nothing else could turn out sweet baby boy into such a monster.”

Jack was being held on charges of attempted assault and criminal threatening. His parents say that they refused to return his marijuana because they had smoked it all themselves.

Organ-Stealing Group Of Thieves Moving Up and Down East Coast

MIAMI, Florida – 

A gang of blackmarket organs dealers have been roaming up and down the East coast, attacking and later killing people for their organs, which can be harvest in an illegal trade for thousands, and even hundreds of thousands, of dollars.

“They’re hard to track because they aren’t local and they aren’t predictable. They target teens and mature adults, but young organs fetch the highest price,” said police chief Oliver Nunez of Miami PD. “Thing is, we have no idea who they are, but we have taken in over 65 dead bodies so far, all of which have been completely drained of blood and had their organs removed.”

Miami police say that they are working with police departments as far north as Boston and even Portland, Maine. They say that the number of actual deaths so far could be as high as 300. They are advising people to not go outside wearing skimpy clothing that could make them an easier time for being cut open.

Mom Says Her Baby Is Reincarnation Of Jesus After Seeing Image Of Savior In Dirty Diaper

SANTA VALARTE, Mexico – 

Mary Flores claims Christ is born again, and it is her baby. She claims she has seen the sign of the Lord in her son’s dirty diaper. She immediately Snapchatted the cross of poo she found in her son’s diaper, where all her contacts proclaimed it a miracle. She has preserved the diaper in a display case, welcoming those who want to see the miracle.

Flores says, “I expect many will make a pilgrimage. Bring me gifts – I mean for my son. They will bring gifts to the baby Jesus.”

According to Flores, her first name is no coincidence. “God whispered the name Mary in my mother’s ear for a reason. He had a plan for me.”

The diaper has not yet been evaluated by anyone from the Vatican, but Flores hopes to have the Pope bless the poop.

‘Suppernanny’ Slips Up, Allegedly Hits Child

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Nanny Jill Pryeo allegedly lost her temper and spanked “a particularly vile” 8-year-old, Janna Cornell, and refuses to apologize.

In the episode, which originally aired April 2011, Janna swears, hits or spits snot at anyone who tries to tell her what to do. She is so aggressive she was kicked out of her elementary school, and now has to be home schooled by her mother. The Cornell family has not come forward in the five years since the incident, but former executive producer, Nick Powell, has said the could not live with this secret any longer.

Nick says Supernanny told the child to go to the naughty mat, she refused and spit in the nanny’s face. Pryeo smacked Janna in the face, and told her not to do this sort of thing, an incident that allegedly happened off camera.

“Lot’s of work goes on behind the scenes. Pryeo makes it look easy, but it’s really not. Some of these kids with oppositional defiant disorder require some special treatment in the production of the show. We couldn’t make miracles happen. No one woman can clean up years of poor parenting choices over the course of a few days. Sometimes we might turn the cameras off and give the kids incentives to go along with the program. Gift cards. Name brand clothes. Twizzlers. This little brat wanted none of it.”

Another nanny from the show, Nanny Jo Frost, has said Nick Powell is just telling another one of his lies to get attention. “I, too, would refuse to apologize. I never spanked a single child in all 14 seasons of my show in the UK or the US. I highly doubt any other nanny did either.”

ABC representatives are refusing to comment on the alleged incident. Janna Cornell could not be reached for comment, but according to court dockets, is still a problem child. She is now serving a sentence in juvenile hall after kicking a neighbor’s cat when her cell phone broke.

Ranting ‘Bible Thumper’ Assaulted In Target During Transgender Bathroom Protest

SMITHSON, North Carolina – 

Hilary Thibodaux, 49, was assaulted when she attempted to preach to shoppers and employees about the evils of Target’s gender-neutral bathroom policy. Thibodaux was upset about a recent Target statement that said, “We welcome transgender team members and guests to use the restroom or fitting room facility that corresponds with their gender identity.”

The mother of 12 marched through Target, waving her bible around and yelling at anyone who will listen while her family followed dutifully behind her.   An unidentified woman thought she would knock some sense into Thibodaux, first throwing her bag of popcorn at the woman and then ramming her with her shopping cart. Seeing the size of Thibodaux’s family she backed down, abandoned the shopping cart and fled.

Witness Keli Danton says watched the events unfold.

“I was like, ‘who this crazy bible-thumper ranting and raving about what now?’ We live in small town North Carolina, honey. There aint never been a transgender in this Target. Why she preachin’ here?” said Danton. “I laughed when that crazy fat woman threw her popcorn at her. She shouldn’t have tried to plow her down with her basket though. That aint right. Even if she deserved it, that aint right. Good thing she got out of there. That bitch’s sons would have brought down the fury of the Lord on her ass.”

Spa Accident Ruins Woman’s Face

RICHARDSON, Georgia – 

Laysha Ward is speaking out after a spa accident ruined her face. After her mani-pedi she opted for a microdermabrasion (or natural enzyme peel) face and eye collagen mask and décolleté treatment at the recommendation of a spa employee. Ward says, “She said the treatment would deliver visible results. Well I’ll say it did.”

Ward has now started a campaign to warn people about the dangers of routine spa treatments. Friends have started a GoFundMe page, as the only good thing about a personal tragedy is squeezing sympathy money from family, friends, and strangers on the internet.

“My face is just absolutely ruined. My skin is dryer than it gets in the middle of winter. I have a date this Friday and there is no way my t-zone will recover.” While there will be no permanent disfigurement, Ward says the event was very traumatic. “I will never feel safe at the spa again. I also now have a fear of makeup counters and bukaki bars. All those perfect days I had ahead of me. That’s all over now.”

Dermatologist Jessica Toothman supports Wards campaign to warn people of the frequently overlooked risks that come with a day of pampering. “There’s just no guarantee you aren’t going to get your face burned off. Even is spas aren’t buying cheap abrasive chemicals from China, there’s always the chance you’ll be the unlucky one that has a bad reaction. Women have come to me looking like moldy watermelon after a facial. My advice is leave it at the massage.”

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.