Woman Has Husband’s Penis Stuffed By Taxidermist After Untimely Death

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Mary Lambert, 34, has reportedly had her deceased husband’s penis ‘stuffed’ by a professional taxidermist after he passed away last week from colon cancer.

Lambert says that her husband, Mark, who died last Monday, suffered for over 3 years from the disease, and that he gave her permission before he died to have his penis removed and taxidermied so that she could continue to enjoy it.

“My husband Mark and I were high school sweethearts, and neither of us was ever with anyone else sexually,” said Lambert. “I told Mark that I never wanted to be with anyone else after he was gone, and he jokingly said maybe we should have his penis stuffed for me for ‘later use.’ After he got sick, the discussion became less of a joke, and more of a research game, trying to find a taxidermist who would do it.”

Lambert says that she was able to find a taxidermist in Texas who agreed to work with the penis, but because the law prohibits the taxidermy of humans, she has declined to say his or her name.

“All I will say is that they were very generous, and they agreed to perform the stuffing of Mark’s penis for free, knowing that it was for a grieving widow,” said Lambert. “I am just very glad that I do not have to go without now that Mark has passed, and I know that he is smiling down at me from Heaven when he watches my pleasure myself with his detached penis.”

Warner Bros. Studio Announces ‘Harry Potter’ Remake Slated For 2017

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Warner Bros. Studios, the company behind the mega-franchise Harry Potter films, has announced today that they are working on a remake of the series, with the first film already scheduled for release in 2017.

“We started realizing awhile ago that we would never have another series as big as Harry Potter,” said WB CEO Bruce Landon. “With companies like Sony remaking Spider-Man less than 10 years after their original film, we knew that Harry Potter could easily be re-made, as it has been nearly 15 years since the first film. People will flock to the theatres. Plus, it’s so much easier to just write a check and get some new movies made than it is to come up with new ideas.”

Writer J.K. Rowling, the author of the Harry Potter novels, is reportedly on board with the idea of a remake, and says that an entire new generation of children can discover Hogwarts that way.

“Plus, it will give me several more big, fat checks,” said Rowling. “God knows I don’t have any more good books in me, but I would love to stay the richest woman in England. I think this works.”

Warner Bros. has not yet announced a cast or a director, but the studio says that they have hired screenwriter Alan Ball (American Beauty) to produce a script. Filming is set to begin in April of 2016.

Mom Claims Her Teenage Daughter Was Impregnated By Flu Shot

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island –

A teenage girl has reportedly gotten pregnant after receiving a routine flu shot at a local pharmacy, according to the teen’s mom, Roxanne Myers.

Myers claims that her virgin, 16-year-old daughter, Rebecca, was impregnated after receiving her yearly flu shot a the family’s local CVS pharmacy.

“Rebecca is a sweet, innocent girl who has never even had a boyfriend,” said Myers, 44. “I asked her if she had ever had sex, and she said no, so the only possible explanation is that she got pregnant from the flu shot we got at the CVS.”

Doctors have tried explaining to Myers that her daughter could not possibly have gotten pregnant from the flu shot, and that there is probably a more “rational” explanation for her pregnancy.

“I told them that Rebecca was a virgin, but they didn’t believe me,” said Myers. “I know that the flu can’t get you pregnant, but what I think happened is that some young, horny stockboy at the CVS probably masturbated into the vaccine, or maybe onto the needles, I don’t know where. But regardless, his semen got my Becky pregnant, and I’m going to sue!”

Rebecca Myers, wisely, had no comment on the circumstances regarding her pregnancy.

Philanthropist Offers ‘Apple Picking’ To Local School Kids; Puts Macbooks In Trees

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BANGOR, Maine –

A wealthy philanthropist has opened up his apple farm to a group of local school children, but there is a twist to this day of apple picking – Bangor businessman Joe Goldsmith has had over 2,000 Apple Macbook Pro computers put into the trees around his property, letting the children ‘pick’ as many as they would like.

“I like to give back to the community once in a while,” said Goldsmith, who in past years has donated more than $2 million dollars to local schools, churches, and charities. “This year, I wanted it to be something fun. Cost me about $4 million or so to do this, but shit, kids need computers, and so I put some in the Apple trees. Made me laugh, and pretty much everything I do in life is to amuse myself, really.”

Goldsmith says that along with each computer, the children are certainly allowed to fill up as many bags of actual, edible apples as they would like.

“Oh, yeah, they can eat those, whatever,” said Goldsmith. “I think they’re too busy trying to grab as many computers as they can, though.”

Goldsmith reportedly made his money over a very long career of drug dealing, money laundering, and prostitution, before turning to real estate – a fact that seems to not bother any of the parents who brought their children “Apple picking.”

“Oh, I don’t care where the money came from, all I care about is getting a free computer or two,” said father Marc Jones, whose son, Kenny, had already picked 9 computers from the trees. “This is the most fun Kenny has had in ages. I’m hoping he gets at least another 4 or 5 computers down – we can sell them and make a killing!”

Couple Arrested At Serta Mattress Store For Having Sex On Beds

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOISE, Idaho –

A young couple, Jeanne and Robert Maitland, were arrested Sunday afternoon after they were caught having sexual intercourse in public in a Serta mattress store.

According to police reports, the Maitlands were told that they were allowed to “test” the beds before purchasing, but that the couple took it way too far.

“They came in, and seemed like every other normal couple who are looking for a new mattress,” said store manager Mark Jacobs. “They tested a couple beds, laid down in a few, and asked if they could just talk it over, so I said ‘sure,’ and went to help another customer who had come in.”

It was when Jacobs walked away that the Maitlands apparently got very busy trying out the beds, reportedly stripping completely nude and fornicating in the middle of the display room.

“It was shocking, and more than a little erotic,” said customer Barry Windham, who was there with his wife of 40 years, Marlene. “I say, I didn’t expect to really be purchasing a mattress that day, but after I saw what the Serta Perfect Sleeper bed could withstand, I ordered one on the spot. Marlene and I will have a hell of a time trying to reenact what that couple was doing, but we’re sure as shit gonna try.”

Police say that the Maitlands are set to be arraigned later this week. They are being charged with felonious public display of nudity. Sentencing could get the couple up to 10 years each.

‘Trendy’ Parents Won’t Acknowledge Baby’s Gender, Say ‘Let Baby Decide’

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

A new trend rising among young parents is to not acknowledge their new baby’s gender based on their genitalia, saying that referring to a young child as “he” or “she” could be considered ableist and transphobic.

“Our new baby has female genitalia, but we do not say ‘she’ when referring to it,” said mother Amanda Barnes, 21. “We don’t know if Baby Pat will choose to be a woman or man as it gets older, and we are definitely not forcing any stereotypes onto our child. That is disgusting.”

Many new parents say that they have decided to not provide gender information even to their own relatives, instead asking that their children be referred to as “babyself.”

“I have two children, a 3-year-old and a newborn baby, and we refer to them as ‘toddlerself’ and ‘babyself,’ because no one is putting labels on my children, not even me,” said Leslie Jones, 26, of Los Angeles. “When they are old enough to choose what gender they want to be, then that’s when we’ll start using proper pronouns. For now, they’re just baby and toddler.”

When asked why she did not name her children, Jones says that would be going “too far.”

“If I chose the wrong name, based on their genitalia and not their chosen gender, what would that make me look like as a parent? As a human being?” said Jones. “That’s disgusting, and no parents should be naming their children. You can’t choose gender, and you shouldn’t choose names, either.”

Woman Uses Hologram Technology To Have Dead Father Walk Her Down Wedding Aisle

Posted on October 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MONTREAL, Quebec, Canada –

A Montreal woman used some amazing technology last weekend to make sure that she would have the dream wedding that she’d always imagined.

Mariah Johnson, 30, married her longtime boyfriend, James, in a ceremony in Montreal last weekend. What normally would have been a very nice, quiet ceremony was made into a media event when Mariah surprised everyone by having a hologram of her father walk her down the aisle.

“My father, Joseph, God rest his soul, died when I was 19,” said Johnson, an advertising executive. “My entire adult life, I’ve wished that my dad would be there to walk me down the aisle, but I knew it would never be. Then, a couple years ago, something crazy happened, and I set a major plan into action.”

The ‘something crazy’ that Johnson referred to was the 2Pac performance at Coachella in 2013. The long-dead rapper appeared as a hologram, and went on stage to ‘perform’ with other major stars at the event, including Eminem.

“I am a big fan of rap music, especially 2Pac, and that hologram got me thinking,” said Johnson. “If they could put on a big performance with sound and dancing, I could definitely got a hologram of dad for my wedding.”

Johnson said that she contacted several hologram companies throughout the US and Canada until she found one that she was happy with. The total cost? Approximately a quarter of a million dollars.

“I know that even with my good job, this wedding has put us in debt for the next 17 years, but that’s okay. Dad was there, and it was great,” said Johnson. “If only the digital tears we programmed were real, so I could have wiped them away and told him not to worry about me. James will take care of me. But somehow, I think hologram Daddy knows that.”

Punk, Metal Legend Glenn Danzig Set To Replace Hugh Jackman as ‘Wolverine’

Posted on September 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Punk and metal legend Glenn Danzig, co-founder of Misfits and lead singer of the eponymous Danzig, has reportedly signed on the dotted line to take over for hulking actor Hugh Jackman in the role of Wolverine for the upcoming X-Men series of films.

“We are elated to have Mr. Danzig on board for the films,” said Marvel Studios CEO Harvey Dent. “I am, personally, a big fan of Danzig and The Misfits, as are many other people, and we know his built-in fanbase will come running to see him portray the Wolverine character. My favorite song is JuJu Bone. It’s just so catchy. No idea what it’s about, but hell, it’s just great.”

Hugh Jackman, who has played the Wolverine character almost a dozen times in the last 15 years, had decided last year to step down from the role, and was reportedly anxious to make way for Danzig to take over.

“I am so glad that they got Danzig to continue on with the character, and not some nobody like fuckin’ Tom Hardy or something,” said Jackman to Out Of Touch Magazine. “Danzig just looks like Wolverine. Like he’d ‘snikt snikt’ your fucking heart out, ya’ know? He’s even got the jacked build, naturally, to play Wolverine. I had to bulk up for fuckin’ months and let my hair grow, but not Danzig. I think he may have been born for the part.”

Danzig, who turned 60-years-old just this summer, is reportedly ‘raring to go’ for the role, which begins shooting in Atlanta in April, 2016.

“Well, I know one movie I won’t be seeing, and that’s any movie that has Danzig in it,” said current Misfits frontman and former bandmate Jerry Only. “Shame, too. Despite being a man of God, I am a huge fan of violent comic book films. I was looking forward to another film, but I guess that won’t be happening. Danzig won’t get a dime of my Misfits money!”

Man Who Breaks ‘Pay It Forward’ Chain At Starbucks Immediately Killed In Auto Wreck

Posted on September 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOLEDO, Ohio –

Jacob Brunner, 36, of Toledo, was killed in an automobile accident immediately after pulling out of a Starbucks location in his hometown. Although tragic, the news would not normally go viral nationally, except that in this case, Brunner was the person who broke the “pay it forward” chain at the drive-thru window.

“We had 117 cars come through, and every single one of them ‘paid it forward’ by purchasing the coffee for the car behind them,” said Starbucks manager Kris Froth. “The first car of the day came through, paid for their coffee, and then paid for the person behind them as well, just as a kind gesture. When we informed that second car what happened, they offered to pay for the car behind them, and so on, all day. It went on for 8 hours like that, actually. Then Mr. Brunner came along.”

Froth says that when his employee, Jane Moyer, 19, told him that the person in front of him had paid for his coffee, and asked if he wanted to “pay it forward” by purchasing coffee for the next car, Brunner laughed.

“‘Fuck no, that’s retarded’ is what Mr. Brunner said when I told him about paying it forward,” said Moyer. “He said it was dumb, and it wasn’t paying forward anything, it was just paying a ‘little more or a little less’ for your own coffee, based upon the order of the person behind you, and that’s not how paying it forward worked. He took his free coffee and drove off. Then we heard the crash.”

According to police reports, Brunner pulled out of the Starbucks, located on North Rd., and when trying to cross into the turning lane, was struck by a semi-truck. He was killed instantly and reported deceased by a coroner at the scene.

“I guess it just goes to show you that you can never, ever break the chain,” said Froth. “Also, our Starbucks location has a sale on Grande coffees this week. Only $1.99, no coupon needed.”

New Hampshire Becomes First State To Legalize Tattooing of Infants Following Russian Viral Trend

Posted on September 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

After several viral videos and images hit the web of Russian babies being tattooed, state legislators in New Hampshire have agreed that the trend is a positive one, and have agreed to allow parents to begin having their babies inked in the Granite State.

“Parents have been modifying their babies for years, from circumcision to ear piercing, no one has ever said that we, as a culture, have ever had an issue with changing our baby’s appearance for our own benefit,” said New Hampshire state representative Mary Lambert. “I pierced my daughter’s ears when she was only 4 months old. Had tattooing her been legal then, I would have done that as well.”

Lambert says that although the state has agreed to allow parents to have their babies tattooed, it still must be done in a licensed, professional shop.

“There is already an epidemic of tattoo ‘scratchers’ who buy these cheap, Chinese tattoo machines on the internet, and obtain disguting, non-FDA approved ink and tattoo others from their home,” said Lambert. “This included, previously, people who were under 18 getting nasty, homemade tattoos on a regular basis. We feel this law will help to curb that behavior, as it allows anyone of any age to get tattoos as long as a parent signs a consent form.”

Several other states have reported that they are keeping a “close eye” on any issues encountered by New Hampshire as the state becomes the first in the nation to allow tattooing of anyone, of any age.