Changes In KKK Bylaws Allow For Colored Robes

Posted on April 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DECATUR, Alabama –

The KKK has been a thorn in the side of non-racists for nearly 100 years, but the group – which has seen a decline in membership as time has proven that they are a hate group – is making small changes to their membership bylaws that may entice new people to join, the group hopes.

“We are doing away with the all-white aspect of our group, for starters,” said Grand Master Paul Young. “No, not in skin color, because that would be ridiculous. We definitely only want WASPS in our group. But when it comes to our shawls, we are finally spreading out into an array of colors, allowing for people to make their own statements, while still hating anyone who isn’t just like us.”

Young says that he joined the Klan when he was 14, after his father taught him all about “white being right.”

“I always wanted to move up the ranks, to become a Grand Wizard, and I’m almost there, but I never thought I’d see this day where I could dye my white robes blue, or black,” said Young. “We even have a couple guys who are wearing brown robes, which is hilarious, and totally done in a sense of irony.”

Young says that he has seen other bylaws of the group that will be changed, and he says the public may be “pleasantly surprised” with what they’re doing in the future.

Woman Dies After Husband Accidentally Crushes Her During Game of Twister

Posted on April 16, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Police have cleared Joel Craig, 32, of any wrongdoing in the death of his wife, Samantha Craig, 29, after she was killed during a “rowdy” game of Twister.

Joel Craig says that when the spinner landed on Left Hand: Blue, he was forced to move into a position that caused him to slip, and all of his 298 pounds came crushing down on the chest of his wife.

“I told her that I didn’t want to move, that I knew I would fall, but my wife was very, very competitive, and she told me the game couldn’t end until one of us had fallen,” said Craig. “I didn’t want to crush her, but she was starting to get angry, and I moved my hand. I fell, and I crushed her ribcage, which punctured her lungs. We’d only been married for six months.”

An investigation into the accident was performed, but police say it was a clear-cut case of accidental death, and no charges would be filed.

Man Creates Indiegogo Campaign To Pay For His Assisted Suicide

Posted on April 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Oregon –

A Portland, Oregon man has set up a crowdfunding page to help him pay for the expenses associated with his assisted suicide, including finding a doctor who will attend the event, as well as associated funeral costs.

Jimmy Rogers, 70, says that he has “absolutely nothing” left to live for, and wants to kill himself, but do it “properly,” according to the Portland Press Gazette and Herald.

“I have lived here in Oregon my entire life. My wife is gone, we never had any kids, and I’m just sitting around, getting older by the minute,” said Rogers. “A friend of mine down at the rectory turned me on to the internet about 6 months ago. Fascinating thing, that internet. Anyway, I discovered a page where you can ask people to give you money, just like that, without doing a damn thing to earn it.”

Rogers says he saw a lot of people had received donations on everything from operations for their cat to a new pair of sneakers, all of which he referred to as “straight horse shit.”

“If these people want a pair of sneakers, they need to go out and get a damn job,” said Rogers. “That said, though, if people are just going to throw money at nothing, they might as well throw it at me.”

Rogers says he is seeking $15,000, which will pay for the doctor and his after-death expenses, with a little left over to send to his friend Roy, who is the person who helped Rogers set up his first computer.

Company Creates Candles, Perfumes That Smell Like Dirty Sex Organs, Sweat

Posted on April 8, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARSON CITY, Kansas –

A new startup company has begun selling candles that smell like dirty sex organs and sweat, in scents they are labeling as “adult friendly.” The new business, called Dirty Birdie Scents, was started when couple Rick and Sheena Morrison realized how much they loved the smell of their home after a long, dirty sex session.

“Whereas some people have sex, and then need to air out the room or spray it down with colognes, we would have sex, and the stench of sweat, pussy, and ejaculate would fill the air, and we loved it,” said Rick Morrison, 30. “Sheena and I used to have sex in every room in our house just so we could keep it smelling that way all the time. We knew we couldn’t be alone in loving it.”

As it turns out, the couple was right. They began selling their products in 2014, and have since sold over $7.3 million dollars worth of sex-scented candles and perfumes.

“We love that people love the ‘smell of the fuck,’ as we call it,” said Sheena. “It’s a beautiful thing to make love to your partner, or even to some random man or woman you’ve never met, whatever floats your boat. Either way, the smell that is left behind is wonderful, and it’s obvious people agree.”

When they were asked about how they collected and bottled the scents that smelled so much like ‘dirty, raunchy pussy,’ ‘swamp ass,’ and ‘crusty limp dicks,’ the couple would only smile and shake their heads.

“That’s definitely our secret,” said Rick.

Japanese ‘Crap Steak’ Approved For Use in United States By FDA

Posted on April 8, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOYKO, Japan –

Japan, much like the rest of the world, has long had a problem with overcrowding in major cities. And with overcrowding comes a horrible issue with waste – but not just garbage, human waste as well. Several years ago, in a lab in Japan, several scientists were able to work to put that waste to good use by creating edible steak and meats out of human feces.

“We took the best parts of human waste, which is to say, the fibers and nutrients, and we formulated those to create a new, totally safe, edible product,” said Dr. Buru Tawagoto. “Japanese people have been eating it for several years, and it has made waste go down and nutritional values go up throughout the country.

Just this week, the United States FDA cleared the Japanese “shit steak” for use in both the private and public sectors of the food market. Starting at the end of the year, people will be able to buy this same product in grocery stores, and order it in restaurants.

“We waited quite some time to come to this decision, basically watching, waiting, and checking to see how the project went in Japan,” said FDA spokesman Mario Carson. “In the end, we felt that there was nothing stopping us from clearing it for use. It is healthy, and there have been no noticeable side-effects. We think it tastes like shit, but hey, that’s not the issue at hand, here.”

Woman Arrested For Squirting Breastmilk At Man Who Tried To Publicly ‘Shame’ Her

Posted on March 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

STOCKTON, West Virginia –

A nursing mother was arrested yesterday while breastfeeding in public, after she squirted a man in the face with her milk. According to police, Wanda Rogers, 25, was arrested because Joel Marks, 38, was yelling at her to “put her damn tits away” while she was in public, and Rogers retaliated by squirting him in the face.

“This is a simple assault, yes, but an assault none-the-less,” said police chief Joel Chambers. “Mr. Marks was ‘extremely embarrassed’ by the incident, and even though he’s a jerk for yelling at her in the first place, it was his right to press charges and have her arrested.”

According to witnesses, it was Marks who should have been arrested.

“He saw that poor mom sitting there on the park bench, minding her own business, feeding her baby, and he went right up to her and started screaming in her face, calling her a bad mother,” said Mary Lambert, a witness to the incident. “He was yelling and calling her names, and the baby started crying, and I think the poor mom just lost it.”

“I didn’t think it was a big deal. This giant douche was yelling in my face, and was scaring my baby, so I simply squeezed a bit, and shot some milk in his face,” said Rogers, who is a nursing student. “It didn’t hurt him, it just caught him off guard. My lord, it’s just milk. Maybe if his momma had breastfed him, he wouldn’t be such a jerk.”

Rogers was held for 24 hours and let go on $350 bail. She is scheduled to appear in court next month.

Man Dies At Bachelor Party After Stripper’s Large Breasts Suffocate Him

Posted on March 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

Greg Miller, 24, died on Saturday evening at his bachelor party, after a stripper accidentally suffocated him with her breasts. The dancer, whose stage name is Jiggles, reportedly has size 39-Triple-E breasts, and often uses them by shoving them in the faces of her customers.

“I’ve put my ta-tas in the faces of hundreds of men, and they all really liked it,” said Jiggles, whose real name is Jessica Girth. “This guy, though, he friggin’ loved my tits, and he couldn’t get enough. He was stone cold sober, and was still talking about calling off the wedding because he loved shovin’ his face between em. It was intense.”

Jiggles says that during the part, Miller shoved his face between her breasts, and about 5-minutes later, she realized that he was no longer moving.

“I pulled his face out, and one of his buddies gave him CPR,” said Jiggles. “It was too late though. I guess he suffocated in there.”

“Man, what a fucking awesome way to go, though, right?!” said Miller’s best man, Mike Carlson. “That girl had some of the best tits I’ve ever seen, and they were so good he died over them. Well, in them. It’s crazy. I mean, I kind of feel bad for Brenda, his fiance, but she is sorta a bitch anyway, so no harm, no foul. I know that Mills is looking down at us right now, rubbing one out over his own death. Classic Miller, dude.”

New Thrill Of Shooting Air Into Rectum With Bike Pump Kills Hundreds of Teens

Posted on March 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

“The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of Pumping”, a spokesman for the prestigious Carlson Hospital in Boston, Massachusetts, told reporters. “If this perversion catches on, it will destroy this country worse than it already is.”

John Miles, MD, was speaking after the remains of 13-year-old Charlie Richards had been brought into the hospital’s emergency room, the latest victim of the internet trend “pumping,” which began in Taiwan.

“Most ‘Pumpers’ use a standard bicycle pump,” he explained, “inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. It’s highly dangerous, and so far, we’ve seen at least 100 cases of children who were killed or severely injured from ‘pumping.'”

Charlie Richards took it further than others, and it cost him his life. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but that wasn’t exciting enough for him, and he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in.

Not realising how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died instantly, but passers by are still in shock. One woman thought she was watching a twilight firework display, and started clapping.

“We still haven’t located all of him,” says Police Chief Joe Whitcum. “When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded. It was like a tiny atom bomb went off or something.”

“Pumping is the devil’s pastime, and we must all say no to Satan,” Dr. Miles concluded. “Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you.”

Man Commits Suicide After Failing To Rise Money For New Sneakers On GoFundMe

Posted on March 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BALTIMORE, Maryland –

A week after jumping four floors from a hospital window, Hakeen Burley has died from his injuries. After failing to raise enough money through his crowdfunding campaign, Burley decided to take his own life.

Burley was visiting his grandmother, who was recovering from heart surgery at Mercy Hospital in Baltimore. According to witnesses, Burley made one last plea to his family and friends to donate to his GoFundMe Campaign, which he had set up so he could buy the new pair of Fendi monster fur-trimmed leather high-top sneakers he had his eye on.

His cousin, Jamal, explains, “It was real important to him to get those kicks before they went out of style. In his mind, his time was running out, but the problem is he comes from a poor family, and no one cares to help him out. We were all too busy trying to find a way to raise money for Grammy’s heart surgery.”

Although Burley’s grandmother got quite a shock, she has recovered from her surgery and was released from the hospital.

“He was always my least favorite grandchild, anyway,” said Burley’s Grandmother, Irene. “He only came to visit me in the hospital to hit me up for money, the ungrateful brat. I won’t say that I’m glad that he’s gone, but…Hakeen, who?”

Man Sentenced To Life In Prison After Killing His Wife Via ‘Dutch Oven’

Posted on March 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DARWIN, West Virginia –

Harold Spizer, 39, was sentenced to life in prison on Monday for the 2013 death of his wife, Kathy Spizer, 35. Harold had been in prison since his arrest in August of 2013, after police say he killed Kathy via a dutch oven in their bedroom.

“I still, to this day, maintain that it was just an unfortunate joke gone wrong,” said Spizer, who now sits in solitary confinement in Darwin Federal Penitentiary. “She always thought it was disgusting when I farted, and so I’d tease her and do it all the time when we were laying in bed. That night a few years ago, it was just too hot, too stuffy, and the gas was just extra bad. It wasn’t on purpose.”

Police say that Spizer had eaten Mexican food for dinner, and had ‘extra bad gas’ on an especially warm night in 2013, and used it to murder his wife.

“He gave her a Dutch oven, which is when you pass gas, and then hold the bedding and covers over your partner’s head, so they are forced to, well, deal with it, as it were,” said police chief Joel Miller. “Kathy was killed from the extreme nature of her husband’s gas.”

The court case was a long time coming, and Kathy’s family say that they are “very excited” that Harold Spizer will pay for his crimes.