Couple Get Stuck In Washing Machine During Kinky Sex Game

Posted on November 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRIARVILLE, Texas –

A married couple – Jim 54, and Carol, 50, had to be rescued in their home after getting stuck inside the washer in their laundry room.

“It was sex night, and we wanted to spice things up,” said Jim. “Once a week, we still like to get down and get a little frisky. We’re old, but we’re not dead.”

Jim says he and Carol had, over the years, had sex ‘literally everywhere’ inside the house, and had, over the last few years, started having sex inside their appliances.

“Oh, it’s marvelous,” said Carol. “We’ve done it in the oven once. Inside the refrigerator. That was cold, but Jim also made it hot, if you know what I mean. This week we thought we’d try the washing machine. I wasn’t 100 percent sure we’d fit, but once Jim got in, there was enough room for me to squeeze down next to him.”

“Unfortunately, there was not enough room to fully maneuver in there, so it wasn’t really suited to having great sex,” said Jim. “When we tried to get out, though, we found we were stuck.”

The couple have nothing but laughs about their ordeal now, but say it was “really depressing” having to scream for help for over a day and a half before a neighbor heard them and called fire and rescue.

“Oh man, we definitely will not try doing that ever again,” said Jim. “But we’re still gonna keep having sex inside our appliances. Next week, we go dryer!”

30-Year-Old Man With Perpetual Baby Face Is Father To Newborn Son With Creepy, Adult Man Face

Posted on November 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –

Frankie Clemons, 30, has a rare condition that makes his face appear to be an infant’s. It’s something that he has learned to deal with over the course of his life, answering many questions about it along the way, as he gets stares and gawks while walking down the street.

The stares may begin to double, though, as Clemons’ newborn son, Joey, has the exact opposite problem.

“Joey was born with a similar condition to mine, in that his face is that of a full-grown, adult man,” said Clemons. “My issue is that my face looks like it did when I was a baby, and it never changed. I’m used to it, but I was really hoping that it would not be passed to my son. My wife is a ‘normal,’ so I was really anticipating Joey being normal as well.”

Doctors say they are baffled as to why Frankie and his son both have such a rare, untreatable condition.

“They’ve never been able to figure out, exactly, what is wrong with me, so I assume that they’ll have the same issues with Joey,” said Clemons. “I’ve considered plastic surgery, but honestly, the doctors have told me straight-out they’d have no idea where to begin. I’m happy, though. I’ve got a great wife, and a new son, and we’re doing fine. We’re healthy, it’s just how we look. Frankly, there are lot more ugly looking people out there than us. So I’m a babyface, what’s the big deal?”

Woman Arrested After Burning Down Her Own House In Attempt To Meet ‘Sexy Firemen’

Posted on November 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOISE, Idaho –

A Boise woman, Doris Murphy, 48, was arrested late Friday evening for arson after she allegedly burned down her own home in an attempt to meet ‘sexy firemen.’

“I just wanted to get me a little some, and I am damn sick of the same old haggard bastards who sit down at the bar,” said Murphy. “I seen me a bunch of sexy firemen in calendars, and I figure there had to be at least one or two who worked here in Boise. I didn’t think the house was going to go up that fast.”

According to Murphy, she just planned on setting a “small fire” so that she could call 911 and have local fire & rescue show up.

“I put a can of gasoline in the bathtub, and I torched it. Figured it was in the tub, it would be easy to just turn the shower on myself to stop it if I needed to,” said Murphy. “Turns out, that doesn’t work so good.”

Murphy’s home was completely destroyed in the blaze, and Murphy herself is facing up to 5 years in prison for the stunt.

“Most annoying thing is that there weren’t no good looking guys that came to put out the fire,” said Murphy. “It was just a couple of the same old guys who are always at the bar, and a beefy lesbian. Hell, there weren’t even no Dalmatian dog that came like in the TV shows.”

Young Girl Who Was Born Blind Has Eye Implants Donated From Pet Chicken

Posted on November 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HUNSTVILLE, Alabama –

Megan Clarke was born blind in both eyes, a rare condition doctors say was caused by a low dose of radiation from an X-ray her mother received before she knew she was pregnant.

“All Megan ever wanted from the time she could talk was to be able to see like the other kids, watch Dora The Explorer like the other kids, and look at the clouds and see shapes like the other kids,” said Megan’s mother, Marsha Clarke. “We thought for sure that Megan would be blind her entire life.”

Doctors say, though, that a generous donation of eyes from Megan’s pet chicken, Mrs. Cluckers, was able to help save the day.

“Mrs. Cluckers was a chicken that we got for Megan when she was 2,” said Marsha. “She never went anywhere with Mrs. Cluckers. It was cute, but slightly annoying. Chickens aren’t very clean animals. At any rate, Mrs. Cluckers had perfect 20/20 vision, so doctors swapped her eyes with Megan’s eyes.”

“Poor Mrs. Cluckers is now blind in both eyes, but Megan can see perfectly,” said surgeon Dr. Charles DeMar. “We had originally planned on just killing Mrs. Cluckers to use her eyes, but Megan said she’d rather stay blind than have Mrs. Cluckers be dead. So, we did what we thought was right, and we swapped their eyes.”

The operation reportedly took over 15 hours, but when it was completed, Megan had full vision in both eyes.

“It’s was a remarkable success,” said Marsha Clarke. “Sadly, Mrs. Cluckers will never be the same again. She wanders around now, just running into everything, and she looks creepy as hell with human eyes, but you know, Megan can see, and that’s all that matters.”

Scientists Baffled Over Chicken That Can Talk, But Only Speaks In Racial Epithets

Posted on November 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Researchers at Harvard Medical School say they are “baffled” by a chicken that was left on their campus by an unknown person. The chicken, which is of the average, normal-looking variety, has a very bizarre trait, though – this chicken can talk.

“Black people are a disgrace, especially black men. They just get arrested, make babies, run out on their families, and get arrested again,” said the chicken, which confusingly speaks only in racist epithets. “Keep refugees out of this country. Foreigners are a plight, and they’ll raise taxes and get free health care! Goddamn you, Obama!”

“It’s really a mystery where this chicken came from,” said head researcher Dr. Martin Chome. “Well, it’s not a mystery that the chicken came from an extremely right-wing home, with a definite bigoted, republican owner. We are baffled, though, at how it is that he came to speak, in perfect English, and only when saying something extraordinarily racist.”

When the chicken is not speaking, it clucks and bobs its head, like any other chicken you would see that was not already laying on your dinner plate. Whenever it raises its head to speak, though, it becomes cruel and vile.

“I hate Mexicans, and they should build a big fucking wall to keep all those dirty spics in their own country,” said the chicken. “Jews are nasty. The holocaust was amazing, and I wish it was still going on. 6 million Jews? Nigga, please. They kill 6 million chickens every day, you don’t see my crying about it. Pansies.”

Researchers say that they will continue to look into the amazing origins of the chicken for a little longer, but they are planning on plucking him and eating her very, very soon.

Man Finds Single Sperm Measuring Over 2 Inches In Semen

Posted on November 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

Carlton Moore, 38, says that he masturbates just like a normal guy – at least twice a day – but was extremely startled last week when a normal rub-n-tug caused him to ejaculate, shooting out a single sperm measuring over 2 inches in length.

“It was mind-boggling, really,” said Moore. “I swear, I thought when I came, I shot out some kind of dick tapeworm or something. Scared the ever living shit out of me. I collected it in a little jar I had, and brought it to the doctor.”

Moore was surprised to find when he brought in the specimen that it was, indeed, just an extremely large sperm.

“This is the first time I’ve ever seen anything like this,” said Moore’s physician, Dr. James Baker. “Individual sperm are regularly microscopic, and hundreds of thousands to millions of the little guys are shot out during each ejaculation. In Moore’s case, he ejaculated, and it was just one big one. It’s really very curious, medically speaking.”

Moore has said that he has been consistently masturbating ever since, trying to replicate the sperm, but so far, no luck.

“I’ve been having several great days in a row here, that’s for sure. My arm is getting a little tired, but it looks buff,” said Moore. “I’m also more relaxed than I’ve ever been in my life. Here’s hoping the doctors can figure out what this all means, but in the mean time, I’m going to keep trying. Just glad that I wasn’t getting oral sex at the time this happened. Gross!”

Teen Drowns While Stuck Inside Condom After Performing Internet Challenge

Posted on November 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

A 17-year-old teen was reportedly killed performing yet another stupid internet stunt, this one involving condoms filled with water. The “condom challenge,” designed, apparently, to prove that no guy is actually “too big” to wear a condom, involved filling a condom with an excessive amount of water, and then dropping it onto a participant’s head.

“Jessica Moore and her friend, Theresa Jones, were reportedly filming themselves performing the ‘condom challenge,’ and Jessica was killed in the processes, drowning when the condom filled with liquid got stuck around her head,” said police chief Larry Whittum. “This is a stupid and dangerous challenge that has no real merit. Everyone knows that condoms can fit any size penis, and filling a rubber with water and dropping it on someone’s head is not going to bring awareness to anything.”

Police caution that the Condom Challenge can lead to serious injury or, as is the case with poor Jessica Moore, death.

“We strongly advise teens to not perform this challenge, and to certainly not record it and post it online,” said Whittum. “You’re just going to continue to breed other stupid challenges performed by other stupid people like yourselves.”

A sample video of the Condom Challenge. Luckily, this girl survived with only a soaked shirt. Not all will be so lucky. Video contains coarse language.

Woman Arrested After Bludgeoning Boyfriend To Death With Game Controller; ‘He Chose Fallout 4 Over Me’

Posted on November 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COMPTON, California –

Lakeesha Wallace, 26, was arrested yesterday after reportedly bludgeoning her boyfriend, Jamal Jones, 27, to death with a Playstation 4 contoller. The couple allegedly argued because Wallace said that Jones was spending “too much time” playing the new video game Fallout 4, and was ignoring her.

“That sonofabitch was playing that game non-stop since it dropped. All day, all night, that mothafucka ain’t done shit around the house,” said Wallace. “I gots me some needs too, and if a brother ain’t about to put down the controller and feast on what I got to offer, then a mothafucka don’t need to be breathing no more.”

Police say that Wallace has been extremely vocal about killing Jones since the second they arrested her.

“She has bragged, multiple times now, that she is, in fact, the one who stabbed Jamal Jones, her boyfriend, to death,” said Police Chief Larry Wiggin. “There is no question to the motives or the crime, as Ms. Wallace has, frankly, refused to stop talking since we brought her in.”

“I tell ya’ll another thing – ya’ll better not even think about giving me no death penalty,” said Wallace to investigators. “I think I done enough time not having my pooney touched in the last 2 weeks thanks to some stupid shooting game. Don’t you think I got enough bullshit on my mind that I don’t need to be dealing with no electric chair? Shit, ya’ll mothafuckas need Jesus if you think I ain’t a strong-ass woman, ain’t afraid of shit.”

Coincidentally, Wallace faces the death penalty in the state of California for her crime.

Internet Meme ‘Fat Emo Kid’ Dies After Choking On Carrot

Posted on November 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DES MOINES, Iowa –

The Fat Emo Kid meme is one of the internet’s oldest, the picture often accompanied by the phrase, “when the world gets you down, eat it.” The boy in the picture, Mike Jones, was 16 when the image was taken and posted to internet forum Reddit, and it reportedly caused him so much grief, he went on a diet and lost over 200 pounds.

“Mike was a great kid, and he was just going through a phase of wearing make-up, throwing up gang signs, eating too much food,” said his mother, Marie. “I think all kids go through that at some point in their life. Anyway, after that picture went viral, it destroyed him, so he did something about it. He lost 211 pounds, and became extremely health conscience. Unfortunately, it was the healthy foods that killed him.”

According to Marie Jones, her son died last week after he choked on a baby carrot that was in a salad he was having for lunch.

“Mikey loved his carrots. He would eat anything, to be sure, but he did it in moderation after that picture made him internet famous,” said Marie. “I’m glad now, though, that Mikey is in heaven, where he can be fat again and eat all the cake and there will be no one to make fun of him. God wouldn’t allow it. Mikey certainly had an appetite for life, God rest his soul.”

Mike Jones would have been 23 on December 5th.

Girl Bitten By Octopus While Snorkeling Hospitalized After Tongue Grows ‘Suckers’

Posted on November 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN DIEGO, California –

A young girl who was snorkeling off the coast of California last week says she was bitten by an octopus, and since then has grown tiny octopus suckers all over her tongue and other soft tissue.

“It actually started on my vagina, I noticed I was getting little octopus suckers,” said Jessica Smith, 20. “I could live with it, to be honest, but I went to the hospital the second they started growing on my tongue. It was keeping me from being able to speak properly.”

Doctors say that it was the first case of an octopus attack of any nature leading to the attackee actually turning into an octopus themselves.

“Ms. Smith is very luck she came in when she did,” said Dr. Martin Groves. ” I am not 100% sure how long this would go on for, as it was a very serious infection that seemed to effect all the soft tissue in her body. Her vagina, tongue, throat, and even parts of her anus were growing octopus suckers. It is the first time I’ve ever seen anything like it, thank God.”

Doctors were able to treat the infection, but removal of the suckers that had already grown had to be done with laser surgery.

“We worked in very delicate areas to remove the suckers,” said Dr. Groves. “We estimate that we were able to safely remove about 98% of the suckers with no visible pieces remaining. There are some that we could not get due to the safety of Ms. Smith.”

“Honestly, I really don’t care about the suckers that they left behind,” said Smith. “It was a couple inside my butt, and frankly, if you’re going to have octopus suckers on your body, the ass isn’t the worst place, right? It was super hard to get a picture of it for Instagram, though.”