DNA Results Confirm Michael Jackson Is Biological Father Of Bruno Mars

Posted on December 27, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK, New York –

Vladimir Kershov, publicist of R&B singer Bruno Mars, has been fired today after he revealed a shocking secret regarding the pop and R&B singer. Kershov leaked private information that revealed that Michael Jackson is Mars’ biological father.

In a statement emailed to news and media outlets across the world, Kershov revealed that he was told by the singer that DNA testing had proven that Jackson, known across the world as the King of Pop, was without a doubt his biological father. After pleading with Mars, born under the name Peter Hernandez, to go public with the revelation, Mars refused to do so. Kershov insisted that it be made known to the public, and that the news would catapult the singer’s fame and boost record sales. Mars remained adamant that the information not be released. According to Kershov, he then took it upon himself and emailed the shocking news to media sources all over the world.

“DNA testing has proven that Michael Jackson is the biological father of Bruno Mars,” Kershov said in the statement. “Against his wishes, I have decided to relay this message for the greater good and betterment of Bruno’s life and extravagant music career.”

In a statement released by Mars’ new publicist, Jacqueline Pryor, it has been announced that Kershov was immediately fired by the singer, and may seek legal action against his former publicist. “The job of a publicist is indeed to better the career of their clients by persuading them to take part in things that cause their popularity to grow, however, the client must trust their publicist. The artist has the final say, no matter what.”

When asked about the validity of Kershov’s statement, Pryor surprisingly made it clear that the information is accurate. “It is true. Doesn’t mean he was right in saying so, but it is true. When it comes to 29-year-old Bruno Mars, Michael Jackson is the father!”

Michael Jordan Announces Comeback, Will Suit Up For Charlotte Hornets

Posted on December 26, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina –

Six-time NBA champion Michael Jordan announced earlier today that after years of time away from the game, he will make an attempt to come back and play for the Charlotte Hornets, the team he co-owns.

Jordan, 51, held a press conference earlier today and shocked sports journalists and fans alike with the possible game-changing announcement.

“After being out of the game more than ten years, and hearing so much talk about Kobe Bryant passing up my all-time point total, I’ve decided to make myself available to my team as a player. I can still shoot the rock, did y’all doubt that?” Jordan said as he laughed.

Head coach of the Hornets, Steve Clifford, who was also on hand for the press conference, was asked if he thought the aging Jordan would be an asset to the team as a player.

“Are you kidding me? We are talking about MJ here, best player that ever played the game. Do you guys think that he doesn’t get out there on the court with our guys regularly in practice? In my opinion, he came back a long time ago, he just didn’t play in games,” Clifford said.

Jordan went on to explain that it was actually Clifford who talked him into suiting up in a Hornets uniform. “For the last couple of years, I’ve gotten out there a couple times a week during practice, Steve has always joked about me getting back on the court for real,” explained Jordan. “Then, right before the season started, I had a really good scrimmage where I just crushed most of the guys, and that planted the seed in my mind.”

“The one valuable lesson I’ve learned in my life is that anything is possible to anyone, anywhere, any place and any time. I mean – I’m Michael Jordan. I’ve won six NBA titles, six NBA Finals MVP awards, I’ve saved the world from an alien invasion with Bugs Bunny, and hell, I even played professional baseball. Now I own a NBA team. What have I learned? I’ve learned that if you really want to do something, all you really have to do to be successful is Just Do It.”

Jordan, who passed his physical, is expected to be in uniform and on the bench ready to play within the next two or three weeks.

Kurt Sutter Announces Plans For ‘Sons Of Anarchy’ Movie Starring Charlie Hunnam, Brad Pitt

Posted on December 23, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

NORTH HOLLYWOOD, California –

Kurt Sutter, creator of the hit FX drama Sons of Anarchy, has announced plans to turn the popular television series into a major motion picture.

Sutter, who was also a writer, producer, and director on the series, said in an interview with Hollywood Today magazine that he has long contemplated taking S.O.A. to the big screen following its run on television. “People absolutely loved the show, as did I, and I have put a lot of thought into the matter, and we are going forward with turning it into a feature film” Sutter said.

Sons of Anarchy ran for seven seasons on FX, from 2008-2014, and in the process built a huge following. Sutter said the film will star Charlie Hunnam, who played the lead character Jax Teller, as well as Ryan Hurst who played Opie Winston, and Katey Sagal as Gemma Teller. The film, which is a prequel to the storyline of Sons will also introduce fans to Jax’s father, John, who will be played by Brad Pitt.

“I am most excited about bringing Brad (Pitt) on as John Teller, he is absolutely perfect for the role. The movie will take place from the day Jax was born, and leads up to the era just before Sons Of Anarchy began as a series.”

Sutter also said that he is really happy to bring Ryan Hurst back as Opie Winston, and hopes fans will forgive him for killing Opie off. “Man I tell ya, when we killed Opie off, it was like the thing turned real. I’ve never gone public with this, but I’ve had people get really crazy when they see me in public,” said Sutter. “They shout at me, and they get angry – ‘You shouldn’t have killed Ope! I hope you rot in Hell!,’ that sort of thing. I had people try to run me off the road when they recognized me, although that just might be because I’m kind of a dangerous driver. Anyway, my hope is that this film will help them cope.”

Sutter says pre-production on film will begin in the middle of 2015, and will begin shooting sometime in the fall. “For a movie of this scope, with this much storyline attached, you should expect to see the film by the end of 2016,” said Sutter. “In the mean time, buy all the official Sons of Anarchy merchandise you can. Every dollar goes to helping get this movie completed. Brad Pitt isn’t cheap, you know.”

O.J. Simpson In Shocking Confession: ‘I Shot Tupac Shakur’

Posted on December 23, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LOVELOCK, Nevada –

During an interview with a BBC News affiliate earlier this week, 67-year-old O.J. Simpson shockingly confessed – not to the murders of Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ron Goldman, but to the shooting death of deceased, iconic rap superstar Tupac Shakur, who was shot multiple times in a drive-by shooting on September 7, 1996, and died six days later.

Peter Reddington, a BBC journalist, traveled to Lovelock, Nevada earlier this month for a special one-on-one interview with O.J. Simpson at Lovelock Correctional Center, the prison in which Simpson is serving a thirty-three year sentence for crimes of robbery and kidnapping he committed in 2007.

“The interview was going as well as could be expected,” Reddington said. “I began to prod at the ol’ boy about whether or not he killed Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. At first he just sat there, like a lost boy on his bum, silent and mysteriously.” Redding said that it was shortly after those questions when Simpson began to get very talkative.

“He looked at me intently for several minutes, then out of nowhere he said, ‘I’ll tell you who I killed. it wasn’t Nicole and it wasn’t Ron Goldman. I shot Tupac that night in Las Vegas! It was me!’ I was absolutely flabbergasted and asked him if he was yanking my chain. He then got very angry, and said he wasn’t proud of it but he did it. He looked me right in the eye and said he had lost several thousand dollars because he had bet that Bruce Seldon would defeat Mike Tyson in their boxing match, he said that he was embarrassed because Tyson won by a first round knockout in less than two minutes, and that he and Shakur had somewhat of a feud earlier in the night.”

Simpson explained how he followed Shakur and rapper Suge Knight as they left a Las Vegas casino. “I followed the two thugs, I figured I’d do the planet a favor by taking out those wanna-be gangsters. Yes, I did it. That’s the only person I’ve ever killed. I didn’t hurt Ron or Nicole at all. On the other hand, you can read all about how I would have killed my wife in my book, If I Did It, available now through Amazon and at bookstores everywhere.”

Simpson is currently serving a thirty-three year sentence with possibility of parole in 2017. Las Vegas police have decided no to re-opened the Shakur investigation, saying that it’s ‘not possible’ that Simpson actually committed the crime, but would give no further details.

Radio Host Dr. Laura Adopts Ten Pit Bulls, Immediately Has Them Euthanized

Posted on December 22, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

SACRAMENTO, California –

Just days after saying that “Pit bulls are a waste of space and should all be put down” on her radio show, The Dr. Laura Program, host Laura Schlessinger adopted ten pit bulls from a Southern California rescue shelter only to have the dogs immediately euthanized.

Shelter operator Mary Sheckles told Empire News that Schlessinger stopped by the shelter earlier this week, just days after making her now infamous comments about pit bulls. Sheckles said Schlessinger, also known as ‘Dr. Laura’, acted very sympathetic and guilty over her comments, so she wanted to give ten pit bulls a good home. Sheckles was convinced that Schlessinger had turned a new leaf after thousands of pit bull owners tweeted and emailed her telling her why she was wrong.

“She seemed very sincere,” Sheckles said. “I was just as angry as anyone toward that woman, then she came in and really poured it on heavy, so heavy it was emotional for me. I then showed her around the shelter and she took the time to meet and greet with ten of our pits we had at the time. She said she wanted to adopt every single one of them. I was so moved, I cried tears of joy.”

However, according to Sheckles, Schlessinger did not adopt the dogs to keep as pets. Hours after making the adoption arrangements, the radio host had a family member take the pit bulls to a local veterinarian, who she had known was also anti-pit bull, and had all ten dogs euthanized. A sympathetic employee from the veterinarian’s office secretly called Sheckles, and told her the devastating truth.

“I have been crying non-stop since,” Sheckles said. “In my opinion, this woman is evil and sadistic, and she needs to be taken off the air so that her lies and untruths can no longer be spread. For her comments and actions, she should lose all of her sponsors. The things she says, and the hatred she spews, all the while having very little to absolutely zero knowledge on the subjects in which she speaks, it’s all just very disturbing. She’s almost as bad – no, she’s worse than Dr. Oz!”

Boxer Muhammad Ali, 72, Loses A Fight With Pneumonia

Posted on December 21, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PARADISE VALLEY, Arizona –

World-famous champion boxer Muhammad Ali has reportedly been dealt a knockout blow by a case of Pneumonia. The former heavyweight, 72, was taken to an undisclosed hospital after private doctors in his home where unable to properly treat him for the fluid in his lungs.

“Ali is a hell of a fighter. One day he was floating around like a butterfly, and the next, it was stinging when he’d breathe,” said Ali’s doctor Charles DeMar. “We tried the normal care of a severe flu and pneumonia, rest and antibiotics, but we just couldn’t take care of him well enough in his home. He’s a tough old bastard, though. Hell, instead of being driven in an ambulance, he actually walked the 8 miles to the hospital.”

Doctors say that Ali’s case of pneumonia was caught very early, and that he should be fine in just a couple of days.

“Pneumonia was kicking his ass, at first, and in all honesty, he did lose that first fight when he ended up in the hospital,” said a family friend. “It KO’d him for sure. But Ali, he can go plenty more rounds, even at his age. He’s going to get back in that ring against his poor health, and he’ll knock that pneumonia right the hell out…of his lungs, that is! Doctors say he should be on his way home in no time. He’s an inspiration to everyone, everywhere.”

Ali, who has suffered from Parkinson’s syndrome since his diagnosis in 1984, retired from boxing in 1979, and had his last official fight in December of 1981.

Online Debate Over Kentucky College Basketball Programs Causes Man To Murder Friend

Posted on December 21, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Jason Hargrove, 28, of Louisville, Kentucky has been charged in the shooting death of his best friend, 29-year-old Michael Jenkins, also of Louisville, after the two got into an argument over which school has the superior men’s college basketball program, the University of Kentucky or the University of Louisville.

Apparently the shooting was not over the actual teams, though, but over annoyance at Jenkins’ use of bad grammar during their Facebook chat.

According to Michelle Baker, girlfriend of the accused Hargrove, the argument started when Hargrove, a Louisville Cardinals sports fan, and Jenkins, a loyal University of Kentucky fan, began chatting on Facebook about which of the two teams would win the NCAA men’s basketball tournament this season.

Baker told Louisville Metro Police Department detectives that the conversation had been going on for over an hour, when Hargrove abruptly smashed a full bottle of beer over his computer, and began yelling wildly, which startled her while in another room. Baker says when she entered the room to ask what was wrong, Hargrove was ‘going wild.’

“Jason said to me, [Jenkins] is a stupid, worthless, piece of shit UK fan! I’m sick of reading his nonsensical dribble! I don’t even know how we have been friends for so long! When a guy doesn’t even know the difference between their, there, and they’re, then that illiterate son of a bitch should be killed!” Baker said in her statement to police.

According to a LMPD spokesperson, the two began to make threats against one another, at which point Hargrove loaded his gun and walked next door, where Jenkins lived, and shot him at a point-blank range four times. He then took a red Sharpie marker and wrote, ‘Go Cards!’ on the dying mans forehead. No one else was in Jenkins’ trailer at the time.

Both University of Kentucky head coach, John Calipari, and University of Louisville coach, Rick Pitino, were asked about the incident, and both coaches commented on how the fans take the rivalry way too seriously.

“Coaching college basketball is my career, it is all I know and I can still sleep at night knowing it is just a game,” Pitino said. “College basketball fans in the state of Kentucky get ridiculous. I wish I could say this shocks me but it absolutely does not. Things like this are another reason I think social media is senseless – the world is full of idiots, they say things they don’t mean or have any knowledge about, and besides that, you can’t believe anything you read on the internet.”

“The fans around here are crazy. I’m sure the guy will claim temporary insanity, and it will probably hold up in court because people in this state are all insane during basketball season,” Calipari said. “That’s the reason why our program puts so much effort into funding the basketball program, and we go after the best players money can buy. Our lives may very well depend on it.”

‘Thanks, Obama!’: Gas Prices Predicted To Drop Below $1.00 Per Gallon By Spring

Posted on December 20, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

HOUSTON, Texas –

Gas prices have dropped significantly throughout the United States over the last couple of months, thanks to more crude oil production in the U.S., lowering the price of to $60 a barrel, a trend National Energy Technologies CEO Robert McDaniel says will continue.

“The United States has officially become the world leader in oil production. I have every reason to believe, as should all American citizens, that gas and oil prices will continue to drop drastically. It is my educated and professional opinion that we could see gas prices drop to, or even below, $1.00 a gallon by late spring of 2015,” McDaniel told WEMP reporter Becky Hollensdale.

President Barrack Obama has also chimed in on the welcoming news, stating that his work is finally seeing results that all Americans are benefiting from.

“My administration has done a great deal of superb work that has previously gone unrecognized over the years. It is about time we are able to show the American people the love they so very well deserve.” President Obama said in his morning briefing. “Without me, this would have never happened. Does anybody even remember the last time gas prices dropped below $2.00 a gallon? How about less than $1.00 a gallon? I know my recollection is a bit fuzzy, because it was the 70s, and I was high as a kite somewhere, not caring about gas prices.”

While the Obama administration seems to be taking full credit for the drop of gas and oil prices, others claim that simply is not the case. Chairman of the United States Energy Resource Committee, Bill Farrell, says that it is the result of more digging and uprooting of forestry in the U.S., and that it has nothing to do with President Obama.

“Of course the President is going to take all the credit, as that is the one thing that all Presidents and government officials care about the most,” said Farrell. “The real reason prices have dropped, and American production has increased, is that the tree-hugging hippies and commies are fighting less and less to protect nature. Their ambivalence has allowed us to drill in more locations, uproot more trees, and get to the damn oil. I mean oil and gas makes the world go ’round. Who really gives a rat’s fart about the trees?”

At least ten states across the U.S. are already reporting gas prices under $2.00 a gallon, and most others can expect to see these prices soon as well.

“I’d just like to say that for quite a long while, I have seen many people across the internet say ‘Thanks, Obama!’ to things that I don’t feel I had any part in,” said the President. “But for lowering gas prices, I’d just like to wholeheartedly say to everyone – ‘You’re Welcome!'”

Super Bowl 49 Gets Major Venue Change Due To Failure Of Congressional Lawmakers

Posted on December 20, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

The setting for the 2015 Super Bowl was supposed to be Arizona, at the University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, but today it was announced that the ‘big game’ would be getting a drastic change in venue. According to league spokesman Dale Gerard, the next Super Bowl is being moved to Belfast, Ireland.

“Unfortunately, because of terrorist threats around the globe, we have made the drastic decision to move the Super Bowl out of Arizona and, indeed, outside the United States entirely,” said Gerard. “The TRIA has got us in a pinch, and we needed to act fast, just in case.”

The TRIA, or the Terrorism Risk Insurance Act, was signed into law in 2002 in the aftermath of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Basically, it established a partnership between the US government and the insurance industry that made terrorism insurance widely available to U.S. businesses, including organizers of major sporting events such as the NFL. Without federal support, most insurers would be unwilling to offer coverage. The current TRIA deal is set to expire on Dec. 31, 2014, and Congress is nearing the deadline too quickly for Super Bowl organizers to take any chances.

“We have partnered, instead, with a private company that assures us that they will underwrite the NFL completely in case of terrorist attack during the Super Bowl. That company’s only caveat was that we have it in their country, and that is Ireland.”

This will be the first time in 50 years of the event that the Super Bowl will not be held inside the United States. Unfortunately for people who had already spent big money on tickets to the game, event organizers say that those tickets will not be valid in Belfast.

“We regretfully have to re-sell new tickets at the new venue,” said Gerard. “Anyone who purchased tickets to the Super Bowl, expecting it to be in Arizona, will have to re-purchase tickets for the event in Ireland. We are sure that anyone who could afford the outrageous price for Super Bowl tickets in the first place will also have no problem buying another set, as well as airfare and hotel stays in Ireland. We hope to see everyone there, and thank you for supporting the NFL!”

13-Year-Old Boy Arrested In Connection With Sony Hacking Crime

Posted on December 20, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WATERVILLE, Maine –

What is believed to be the most vicious cyber attack in history, and has been blamed on everyone from North Korea to Russian hackers, is now being directly linked to a 13-year-old boy from small town Waterville, Maine.

Many believed that North Korea and supreme leader Kim Jong-un were responsible for the massive hack against Sony Entertainment because of the Seth Rogen comedy film The Interview, a movie about the successful assassination of Jong-un. Even President Obama issued an official statement, denouncing Sony’s decision to give into threats and pull the film from its Christmas Day opening.

The teenager, whose identity is not yet being released due to his age, but uses the online handle ‘Cereal Killer,’ confessed to the crime in an email sent to federal investigators.

“Basically, he sent in emails confessing to the crime, and blamed it all on the fact that all his friends had gotten Playstation 4 consoles, and he was stuck with the old XBox 360. He felt abandoned, and like he had no friends left in the world,” FBI spokesperson Gerald Carmichael told the Associated Press. “So he wanted to ‘make Sony pay.’ Curiously, Sony Entertainment, as in the films, and Sony’s video game division, are two completely separate entities.”

“It’s just what I could get into, you know?” said the wayward teen in his emails. “I tried to break into the game division computers first. I thought I could maybe steal some unfinished games and release them online. But that one was too hard. Instead, I got into the movie studio computers, and got to watch Annie before it came out. The movie really, really sucked, by the way.”

“The boy is clearly a genius when it comes to electronics and the computer language in this technology age,” said Charmichael. “It reminds me of the movie War Games a little bit, that one from the 80s with Matthew Broderick. Here is this boy savant, who is just amazing at computers. It is really unbelievable that a young child could possess so much dangerous knowledge. Hell, I couldn’t do what he did, and I’ve been studying computers for ages.”

While the crime is being thoroughly investigated, the teen will be kept in the custody of the FBI. Carmichael declined to discuss what charges or any possible punishments the boy is facing.