Porn Star Sues After Being Prematurely Blasted In The Face

Posted on November 22, 2014 by Abe Abrams

SAN FERNANDO, California –

Porn star Helen Humps filed suit today claiming she was blasted in the face prematurely while shooting a scene in her upcoming movie The Fast and The Facial. Randy Rams, her co-star, could not be reached for comment, but a close friend stated that Randy was trying to forget the incident.

“It all happened about four months ago, and I haven’t been able to get work since, I’m physically and emotionally damaged,” said Helen Humps, whose real name is Helen Lovecock. ”It started out a normal day on set. I was working on The Fast and the Facial and everybody was excited, I mean this was a big time movie. This was my first film that had a script, and my first film that wasn’t shot, edited and released all in the same day. I was hoping that this was the one that was going to make me a star.”

As it turns out, an uncommon malfunction on the film set would cost Humps her big break in pornographic films.

“Randy and I were shooting a scene in the front seat of a Honda Civic – I was in driver’s seat because I played the ‘bad girl’ racer. Right as I was about to go down on Randy – BLAST! Right in my face! The airbag exploded, and the car wasn’t even moving. The impact broke my nose and chipped my tooth. I screamed, Randy screamed, blood was pouring out my nose, it was horrible. Now look at me. It’s been four months, and even all healed up I still have a crooked nose, and the chipped tooth ended up falling out completely. It’s not like porn stars have a health plan, and no one will hire me. That’s why I’m suing Honda for medical costs and loss of wages.”

Lawyers for Honda would not comment on active lawsuits, but did release a statement claiming that prop cars are not covered under warranty.

American Socialite, Entertainer Paris Hilton Found Dead Ends ‘Very Disturbing’

Posted on November 22, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

BEVERLY HILLS, California –

Wealthy American socialite, actress, heiress, and entertainer Paris Hilton, 33, while left alone in her Beverly Hills mansion, said she found her ‘dead ends’ very alarming after showering and drying her hair.

Hilton discovered that she had fallen victim to what common-folk refer to as dead-ends, also known as split-ends, or Trichoptilosis. Trichoptilosis is caused by chemical, thermal, or mechanical stress to hair. Curling irons, excessive heat, and applications of hair coloring and/or perms may strip the protective layering off the outside of the hairs shaft while weakening it in the process, making it prone to split ends. Excessive combing is the most common culprit of mechanical stress to human hair, which, according to the heiress, was the cause of this terrible ordeal. “I just can’t believe it,” Kathy Hilton, the mother of the young socialite told Empire News. “I thought we raised our little girl better than that, to go around like that is just totally tragic.”

When asked about the alarming incident, Paris said that she had recently fired her personal hair stylist and figured she was smart enough to go at it alone. “How hard could it be to maintain a perfect head of hair? I have all the money in the world and I’m not a child anymore. But I guess I like, totally under-estimated the like, importance of having a personal hair stylist. This is like, absolutely embarrassing. I’m like, way freaked out. I thought I could make it alone out in the real word ya know? This is like, totally a life-altering ordeal.”

After discovering the terrifying disfigurement, Hilton made plans to hop aboard her private jet, and flew from Beverly Hills to New York City to meet with world-famous hair stylist Raphael Armand Gianni, where she plans to undergo immediate hair- rehabilitation.

Richard Hilton, the 59-year-old father of Paris told Empire News he doesn’t see what all the fuss is about. “So what? the girl has split ends. Life is not exactly a walk in the park, not even if you are a Hilton. Tragic events will come and go and we just have to find a way to push through it. I’ve told her and told her that looking beautiful in public is one of the most important things she can do with her life, but not the only important thing. I truly believe Paris will indeed push through this, and find something else wrong with her if she takes a good look. Nobody is perfect, not even a Hilton.”

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‘Walking Dead’ Star Norman Reedus Critically Injured By Explosion During Filming

Posted on November 21, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

SENOIA, Georgia –

Norman Reedus, the 45-year-old star and fan favorite who plays the part of crossbow zombie hunting expert Daryl Dixon on the AMC mega-hit television series The Walking Dead, was accidentally injured during filming of the sixth season of the series earlier today, and currently is listed in critical condition at a hospital located in Atlanta, Georgia.

A small explosive charge used to simulate gunfire went off inside co-star Andrew Lincoln’s backpack during filming and exploded, hitting Reedus, who was said to have been standing behind Lincoln at the time of the accident. Lincoln, who plays the part of Rick Grimes on the show, suffered only minor injuries.

Lincoln activated a toggle switch on his belt and set off the small charge, called a squib, a device commonly used on movie sets to simulate the effects of gunfire, and Reedus was struck in the abdomen by a projectile. He was airlifted to an anonymous hospital in Georgia.

“The surgery went as well as could possibly be expected, but Mr. Reedus is not out of the woods by any means. The next twenty-four hours are absolutely crucial in his recovery,” said trauma surgeon Dr. Amar Ashamalla. “In an unrelated injury, we removed an arrowhead which had been lodged in his right thigh for what must have been several weeks, and was left untreated. Apparently, Mr. Reedus somehow injured himself and didn’t notice, or didn’t care. He also had many cuts, scrapes, and bruises, presumably from his grueling film schedule for The Walking Dead, and had reportedly not spoken to the on-set physician about those, either. Curiously, we also found a fragment of ballistics casing in his left forearm. It had clearly been there for years, and we assume it must have been something that happened during his filming of Boondock Saints. Regardless, he is in great hands here, and we will see to it that he recovers in a timely manner.”

When asked about the injuries, Walking Dead Executive Producer Frank Darabont said that Reedus was known as being the ‘toughest actor’ he has ever worked with. “By tough, though, I mean serious, hardcore, no-bullshit badass. He’s laid back and easy-going when it comes to acting, but he’s an intense guy who doesn’t mess around. Norman is a freak, especially when he channels himself in the role of Daryl Dixon. He gets hurt all the time, and never lets anybody treat his injuries. He shoots himself with an arrow and he just doesn’t care? It’s crazy. But, there is absolutely zero doubt in my mind that Norman will make a quick, full recovery and Daryl will be back in action in no time. Norm is one tough son-of-a-bitch!”

Ceiling Fans Can Cause Wi-Fi Particles To ‘Break Down’, Slow Down Home Internet

Posted on November 21, 2014 by JP

TALLAHASSE, Florida –

If you have been noticing some troubles with your Wi-Fi connection, your signal may not be at fault this time.

A recent study has shown that ceiling fans are the number one cause of slow internet or having no internet connection in homes. The study was performed after several major router and modem companies banded together to find new issues that can arise in home use of their products.

“I had a guy that wrote the company a letter claiming he would kill all of my family if I didn’t resolve his internet connection,” said the CEO of Belkin Routers, Joe Goldsmith. “He was upset because he was attempting to stream a Gilmore Girls episode on Netflix and from what he wrote, it cut off right before the good part.”

The report shows that not only will a ceiling fan in your own home disrupt your Wi-Fi, but even a close neighbor with a ceiling fan can be affecting it.

What happens, according to researchers, is the movement of a ceiling fan sucks in the Wi-Fi particles that are floating through the air, making your ‘network’ stuck in a type of internet tornado.

Major companies are attempting to find a way to stop this slow-down from happening in homes. Home Depot, one of the largest retailers of ceiling fans in the United States, as well as several other companies in the home-building and internet markets, are attempting to create a new Wi-Fi friendly ceiling fan, or a ceiling fan-friendly router. Prototypes for both designs have been created, but they say that the technology may be years away from being developed to permanently prevent issues.

In the mean time, they suggest that if you want to assure that you have the best possible internet connection, it is recommended that shut off or stay away from all ceiling fans while surfing the web.

Pope Francis Changes His Stance On Homosexuality, Gives Blessing On Gay Marriage

Posted on November 21, 2014 by Abe Abrams

VATICAN CITY, Rome –

In a stunning move yesterday, Pope Francis has had a major reversal on his position of gay marriage. As leader of the Catholic Church, his blessing of gay marriage has upended an almost 2000 year position on the subject. Throughout the world, gay and lesbian Catholic couples celebrated the Pope’s change of heart. Here in the United States, this will no doubt influence many states to finally legalize gay marriage.

“For too many years, the church has excluded a whole segment of the population. I see now that this was wrong and I humbly ask for forgiveness,” said His Holiness, Pope Francis, in a written statement. “I would like to thank the special, anonymous person that changed my mind, for the DVD they sent me changed my life. They know who they are. I now see that the love gay couples share is equal to the love all couples share. I would also like to thank Miss Sasha Grey and Miss Raven Riley for the film they made, Lessons In Lesbian Licking 14, as it has opened my eyes to a whole new world. I have ordered Lessons 1-13 now as well, for I feel it is my obligation to explore those that have been neglected by the Church. I have sent numerous messages to Miss Grey and Miss Riley for them to come visit me here at the Vatican, but I have yet to get a response. It is my hope this message reaches them.”

“It’s fabulous! Just super-fab!” said Larry Lance, an openly gay man in San Diego. “If the Pope was here right now, I would kiss that silly hat of his. Turns out he’s a horny old man, but who cares?! God bless him! Today I’m proud to say ‘I’m here, I’m queer, and I’m Catholic!’”

Massachusetts Man Comes Forward Alleging Bill Cosby Sexually Assaulted Him

Posted on November 21, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

SHELBURNE, Massachusetts –

Another person has come forward alleging sexual misconduct against Bill Cosby, except this time, it is a man.

Isaac Arnold Jones, owner and operator of a small lawn maintenance company in Shelburne, Massachusetts, went to authorities earlier this week claiming his longtime employer, comedian Bill Cosby, sexually assaulted him in July of 2007.

Jones, who runs the lawn care outfit named ‘Two Bros Mowing’, went to police and told a Special Victims Unit detective that after mowing Cosby’s lawn on a hot July afternoon that Cosby invited him in to cool down, and claims the assault happened inside Cosby’s large estate in the wealthy suburb located near Boston.

“It was just me working that day, my brother had called in sick, and due to a lot of rain we had a lot of catching up to do. Mr. Cosby was obviously our highest priority client so I went to his house first chance I had to get his yard done. Anytime we mow Mr. Cosby’s lawn, we always go over it two or three times to make it look really good,” said Jones in his police report. “It was a hot and humid day and I was sweating a lot. When I finished I went to the door to collect a check. Usually his maid Mabel is waiting for me on the porch, for whatever reason she wasn’t that day. I rung the doorbell and Mr. Cosby answered the door. He told me I had done a great job and his lawn looked wonderful.”

Jones was, naturally, not comfortable discussing the events that allegedly occurred, but eventually continued his story.

“After the praise, he invited me in to cool off, and have a Coke and Pudding Pop. Of course I accepted, it’s Bill Cosby! After I ate one chocolate pudding pop, Bill looked at me and asked me if I wanted another one. He said something like, ‘I’ve got a special chocolate pudding pop for you, if you want some more, son’ and I thought sure, why not? Mr. Cosby left the room and came back with some more pudding, opened it for me, then it happened,” an emotional Jones said.

When asked what Cosby did, Jones was very reluctant to explain, but eventually said that Cosby forced him to perform simulated oral sex on a pudding pop while Cosby watched and rubbed pudding all over his genitals. “I was scared, and didn’t know what to do, so I just did what he said. Plus I was still hungry, and pudding pops are awesome.” Jones replied. “I just tried not to look at all that delicious pudding going to waste as it was rubbed all over his Little Huxtable, and finished the pudding pop as quickly as possible. Then I got the hell out of there.”

Several women have come forward alleging sexual assault against Cosby, most recently former supermodel Janice Dickinson. Cosby has not yet been charged or convicted in any wrong-doing, although he has had several engagements cancelled by the media, including a planned Netflix stand-up special, and a new NBC comedy series.

President Obama’s Birth Certificate Sells For $3.4 Million At Auction

Posted on November 19, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

At a political fundraising auction Monday night, the only known copy of President Obama’s birth certificate sold for a whopping $3.4 million dollars to a private bidder. The bids from Rush Limbaugh and Donald Trump both fell short in a bidding war that raised money for the DNC. Speculation as to who actually was the highest bidder ranges from ultra-liberal George Soros, to the Republic of China.

“I don’t know who bought my birth certificate, nor do I care, although I’m sure conservative conspiracies theories will keep FOX NEWS busy for months to come,” said President Obama. “The reason I’m here today is to announce a new alliance with Iran. I am lifting all restrictions on their nuclear enrichment programs. After talking to Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei, I have decided that he has many valid points, and he has convinced me on his views of the holocaust being a lie, and that the Jews are the root of all evil in the world. On Khamenei advice, the United States will no longer recognize the State of Israel and I will stand with him in declaring Israelis as unlawful occupiers of the holy land. I would like to stress my changed stand on Iran has nothing to do with my birth certificate. Khamenei is just a very well-spoken person who has changed my mind on some things. He certainly didn’t buy my birth certificate and is blackmailing me with its information, and anyone who says otherwise is a racist.”

“It is clear our country has just been sold to the highest bidder,” said Republican talk radio show host Rush Limbaugh. ”President Hussein Obama has signed a death certificate for our closest friends, the Israelis, just to protect his dirty little secret that he is not a natural-born citizen. Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States is being blackmailed by a foreign government. It should’ve been me who won the bidding, and then this wouldn’t be happening. I told Trump we should pool our money and team up in the bidding, but that guys ego is bigger than his buildings.”

Burger King To Offer Late-Night ‘Stoner’ Menu For Marijuana Smoking Patrons

Posted on November 17, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BRUNSWICK, New Jersey –

Failing fast food giant Burger King announced today a new late-night menu targeted directly at stoners and drunks. Burger King’s decision is, of course, purely profit driven, which come as no surprise. The company’s honesty on the subject is what has industry insiders scratching their heads.

“We decided not to beat around the bush – if you’re out buying fast food after 1 am, you’re either drunk or stoned. With that in mind, we are unveiling our new late-night menu that we are simply dubbing the ‘Stoned Selection,'” said Bill Baron, Burger King CEO. ”Let’s face it – we are not the first to do this, we’re just the first to be open about why we’re doing it. Taco Bell’s entire menu is aimed at pot smokers, and Papa John’s new Sriracha hot sauce and Fritos Pizza screams ‘I’ve got the weed munchies.'”

“We have partnered with other companies in an effort to give the pot-heads all the best foods for eating while high,” said director of marketing Greg Hause. “The menu will only have two choices to keep it simple, because research shows anything more than 2 will bring the average 17-year-old who is high as a kite to a decision-making standstill. The two menu items will be either Hot Pockets and Bugles, or Bagel Bites and Ho-Hos. The only drink option is going to be a large Mountain Dew, naturally. In the test markets of Colorado and New York, our ‘Stoned Selection’ menu has been a huge success, and we plan to go nationwide by the end of the year.”

“It’s the best,” said Matt Martino, a 16-year-old weed smoker in Denver. ”I don’t remember what I had, but I remember it being really good. Me and my friend were going to go to Taco Bell, but that menu is too confusing man. Last time we went there we stared at the menu so long, the place closed before we got our order in. It was kind of epic.”

Town Legalizes Drunk Driving In Effort To Curb Population Growth

Posted on November 17, 2014 by Chip

WADDERTON, Kentucky –

Wadderton recently passed a reform that eliminates the below .08 blood alcohol level requirement for motorists that decide to partake in alcoholic beverages prior to getting behind the wheel. The town says the reason for the change is a simple one, and something they believe is very important – population control.

Rick Wheeler, the mayor of Wadderton, explained the reform to a Louisville news affiliate. “We are a simple town, full of simple folks; our population has been under 4,000 for several decades. It’s fair to say we have not seen a population over 4,000 since the great town of Wadderton was established in the eighteen hundreds.”

Wheeler, who has been the mayor of Wadderton for 14 years, went on to explain, “Wadderton’s population has exploded throughout 2014. We starting seeing the growth towards the beginning of the year, when folks from the big cities within Kentucky started moving to Wadderton to escape the state’s mounting real-estate market. “

According to the mayor the small town initially welcomed the new residents however quickly decided they were unwelcome. Wheeler said “We are good folks and were brought up to be welcoming to strangers; however these city slickers had no respect for the way of life around here.” The mayor claims that the new residents looked down upon the existing citizens and attempted to make “big changes” including opening a Starbucks and building a cell phone tower.

Mayor Wheeler explains how the new reform ties into Wadderton’s population boom, “We have tried everything, we spent a few weeks trying to play nice, we spent months giving them a small town cold shoulder, we even tried to run them out of town by refusing them service at local diner, dry cleaner, and post office, nothing worked on these city slickers!”

According to Wheeler, after the town exhausted all of their outlets they had to get creative, and knew they had to make some changes. “We finally realized if we couldn’t get them city slickers to leave willingly, our only option was to change how we did everything. This is just another version of population control. These big city folks like to wet their whistle just as much as we do, maybe even more, and we are hoping that all of the lethal car accidents caused by our legalizing drunk driving will put a large dent in the town’s growing numbers.”

When asked about the potential impact this reform will have on Wadderton’s legacy population, Mayor Wheeler responded, “Of course we will lose some of our best citizens in these fiery accidents, however at this point it’s just part of doing business.”

Though the majority of the U.S. is frowning upon the reform, it’s been said that several other small towns are going to be playing close attention to the outcome in order to see how it could possibly work for them.

New Hollywood Trend Has Celebrities Getting Baby Pig Semen Injections To Look Younger

Posted on November 16, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Celebrities and movie stars in Hollywood and Los Angeles are always on the cutting edge of treatments to make themselves appear younger and sexier. From lip injections to smoothing out crow’s-feet, there aren’t many things that some celebrities won’t try to keep their famous-faces looking ageless. A new trend in Hollywood has emerged in the last several months, as doctors report that many A-list stars are now skipping the toxins of chemicals like Botox and injecting a much more natural substance – baby pig semen.

“Baby pig semen is an all-natural way to smooth out age lines, especially in the face and hands,” said Dr. Aaron Silver, plastic surgeon at the Goldsmith Medical Center in Los Angeles. “We inject a small amount around the eyes, lips, in the cheeks, or anywhere else that someone would want tighter, smoother skin. Over the course of several weeks, and approximately 3-5 injections, the loose skin becomes completely rejuvenated.”

The treatments are still awaiting full FDA approval, but that doesn’t make it illegal for the semen to be injected by a trained professional.

“Dr. Silver has given me the semen injections several times,” said a Hollywood legend who wished to remain anonymous. “My eyes look like they did when I was 25. I feel so much better about my looks ever since I started getting these injections. Botox is so harsh, and so noticeable. I had my lips done with Botox about a decade ago, and I haven’t felt a damn kiss since. Semen is so much less abrasive on the body. I’m a big fan of it.”

“I know that many people are concerned about the health risks of injecting animal semen into their body, but I can assure everyone, it’s much safer than injecting an actual poison, like Botox – assuming it is done by a trained professional,” said Silver. “I don’t advise anyone to go out to their local farms and start jacking off pigs and shooting themselves up. Leave it to the doctors.”

Silver said that the pig semen injections began in rural Asia sometime in the late 90s, and only recently began being performed in Europe and the United States. There are also several companies developing pig semen creams and salves for mass market production.