Hemorrhoid Cream Manufacturer Courts A-Rod For New Commercial Spot

Posted on October 2, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Pfizer, the company behind the drug Preparation H, the #1 asshole-soothing medication in the world, has announced plans today to pursue New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez for a line of new commercials they plan to air in time for the new year.

A representative for Pfizer released a statement via their website, as well as through media outlets such ESPN and The Associated Press, announcing their intentions to seek Rodriguez for their TV and internet spots, which would showcase the benefits of Preparation H, and its helpfulness in soothing that fire so often associated with a burning, polyp-laden rectum.

“Normally we wouldn’t go after someone in this fashion, and we are aware it’s unorthodox,” said Pfizer representative Martha Canon through their statement. “Normally we’d contact someone directly, or contact their representatives or legal team, but we’ve got such big ideas brewing we needed a big splash to get Rodriguez’s attention. We think this is the way. We have a pretty good feeling that he is a user of our product, and now we want him to pitch it for us.”

Preparation H has been on the market in one form or another since the 1930s, and it is not known for its extensive commercials or advertising. This new line of commercials would be the first in a series planned to feature big-name athletes. It would also mark the first time that a major athlete stars in ads on national TV, print, and internet talking about their burning nether-regions. Usually, it is just speculated how much of a pain in the ass a player might be, but now they’d be going on record to fully admit that they are, or at least have, those pains.

“We knew that A-Rod was the perfect player to kick off our campaign,” continued Canon in the prepared statement. “He’s always come across as a real fiery sphincter – especially if you’re a Boston fan. There’s no way that he doesn’t have that burning, itching sensation himself. Now we want him to tell the world how our products can sooth that burn, and bring some comfort back.”

So far, representatives for Rodriguez have not commented on whether or not he is interested in the deal. The reported take would be somewhere in the nature of $3 million, plus a two-year supply of Preparation H, as well as several bottles of a product that is still in testing, which is designed to not only sooth the burns that may be causing suffering, but also to remove the stick, or in this case baseball bat, that is firmly implanted up there, causing all the trouble.

Pfizer is extremely excited for the deal to take place, and they have no reason to believe that Rodriguez would turn it down. “It’s a win-win for both sides. We get the publicity, and he gets tons of money and a more relaxed anus. What more could anyone really ask for?”

Pfizer has not announced who else they plan on seeking for future commercial spots, but it is speculated that they also will be looking to court NBA star Kobe Bryant, NFL player Chad Ochocinco, and because of recent press, LA Clippers owner David Sterling.

A-Rod, who was suspended for a total of 162 games after his part in a steroid scandal, has been kept off the field for the entire 2014 season, but Yankees officials have made it clear he will return to play in 2015.

‘Political Vigilante’ Removes Campaign Signs From Public Areas

Posted on October 2, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DULUTH, Minnesota –

Across the entire country, political and campaign signs begin being stuck into grounds in late September and early October, gearing up for a very-public election season. Homeowners who want to show support for their party candidate or candidates often put signs in front of their own homes. Business owners often stupidly do the same, cutting off half of their clientele by openly displaying a preference to one candidate or another. The rest of the signs, though, are placed – and usually overly saturated – on public roadsides, town squares, and anywhere else there may be a tuft of grass to prop a sign.

Although nearly every town in the country has laws against placing these ‘election litter’ signs on public property, few get removed, as towns don’t have the time or money to send someone to toss them. Because of this, one Duluth, Minnesota man has taken the problem into his own hands, and has gone out every night for the last two weeks, removing hundreds and hundreds of political ads and signs that have been strewn across his hometown.

“To be quite honest, the signs are just ugly, and it’s some straight-up bulls— that they are strewn all around, cluttering up the scenery,” said Carl Meadows, who Duluth residents are calling their ‘political vigilante.’ “No one likes these signs. They are just stupid. I also can’t figure out what the point of them really is. If you’re a Republican, you’re probably going to vote Republican. Ditto that for Democrats. Everyone else votes for their candidate of choice. There is no one – and I mean no one – throughout the history of time, who has voted based on who had more signs littering the town.”

Meadows, 53, has lived in Duluth his entire life, and he says he never remembers the littering done by the campaign teams to be as bad as it’s gotten the last few years.

“Two years ago, I spent the day mowing and cleaning up my yard. I went to bed, pretty proud of how my yard looked after a hard day out there. The next morning, I woke up, and there were 14 campaign signs in my yard. I nearly burst a vein I was so damn angry.”

Meadows is not alone in his hatred for the signs. Many residents in most towns say that they are ‘disturbed’ by how much trash these elections really create.

“It’s really just too in-your-face, you know?” said Eileen James, a Duluth resident. “We are bombarded by stupid ads on TV, then we leave our homes, and every other house and business has a sign. I don’t fault an individual for wanting to support a candidate, and what you do to your own property is your business. But I tell you, these politicians use their constituents as a dick-swinging contest. ‘Oh, whoever puts out the most signs has the bigger political penis.’ It’s asinine.”

According to research by the Political Research and Knowledge Foundation in Boston, no person has ever seen a political ad or campaign sign and changed their mind about who they were voting for. Their research shows that anyone who is that stupid probably shouldn’t have been considering the idea of voting in the first place.

Illinois Passes Law Banning Both Plastic and Paper Bags

Posted on October 1, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Quickly following California governor Jerry Brown’s ban on plastic bags in his state, Illinois lawmakers announced that they would not be ‘out done’, and quickly passed a law banning both plastic and paper bags from grocery and department stores throughout the state.

“For some reason, there has been talk for years in several states, with California leading the way, of banning plastic bags – and only plastic bags,” said Illinois congressman Aaron Silver. “I understand that the use of oils for creating something that people throw away almost instantly is a waste, but apparently these other states aren’t aware that it causes more environmental pollution and total waste to create paper bags over plastic.”

Environmentalists agree with Silver’s stance on the topic. Science professor at Chicago University Myles Kent was at the forefront of getting paper bags banned along with plastic throughout Illinois.

“Just for paper bags alone, more than 14 million trees are cut down annually,” said Kent. “It takes almost 4 times as much energy, and causes almost 70% more air pollutants to make a paper bag than it does to make a plastic bag. Banning plastic is nonsense. If you’re going to ban one, you really need to ban the other.”

Consumers who learned of the impending changes to their grocery routine were confused and outraged, many wondering what they plan on replacing the bags with so that they can get their food back to their homes.

“Do they expect that I’m just going to carry all my groceries out to my car and then haul them into the house without bags? It’s completely absurd. At this point, I’d pay more just to be able to keep the bags. Isn’t that a damn trip? Pay more for something I used to get for free,” said Destiny Brown, a Chicago resident we spoke to outside of a Price Chopper grocery store. “I swear, I’ll just rip the damn pillowcases off my kid’s beds and I’ll use those. There is no way I can shop without bags.”

“Pillowcases are a pretty good idea,” admitted Silver. “We haven’t yet thought about what the bags would be replaced with, really. It has been suggested that you sew together your old clothes into make-shift bags. Pants with deep pockets might work for small trips. We also urge consumers to consider just tying a bandana to a stick, hobo-style. It’s worked for them for eons, there’s no reason it can’t become a trend amongst environmentally conscious consumers.”

“It’s just that damn government controlling how we live, once more,” continued Brown. “At this point, I might just shop for groceries and other items online and have them delivered – or are they outlawing cardboard shipping boxes in this state, too?”

Silver said that the whole point of banning both paper and plastic bags is to send a message that ‘the environment is good, and ruining it is bad.’

“We really need to save this planet for future generations. They will need oil for other, more important things than bags, like getting around in cars or making kitschy plastic gifts. They will need trees for climbing, and building tree houses, and for clean air to breathe and that sort of thing. We need to protect the people from themselves, and from harm. That’s what we do. We’re the government, and we make decisions for you.”

When asked, Silver had no comment about the possible future legislation of cardboard boxes.

Snuggie Inventor Dies After Being Suffocated By Product That Made Him Millions

Posted on September 29, 2014 by JP

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

The creator of the Snuggie, the most well-known ‘blanket with sleeves’ on the market today, was found dead Monday afternoon from presumed suffocation in his sleep. Scott Boilens’ body was discovered by a member of his cleaning staff at his home in San Francisco.

The staff member claims she went to do a simple sweep and dusting of the room, and when she began to make the bed she had realized there was a body still wrapped within the blankets.

“I just thought it was a pile of them ugly Snuggie things, you know?” said Carlotta Valdez, the cleaning lady who discovered Boilens’ body. “There are normally tons of those things piled all over the place. Leftovers, I guess, since ain’t nobody buying that cheap sleeve-blanket crap no more.”

When police arrived on the scene they declared Boilen dead, apparently strangled by the sleeve of a nearby Snuggie. The one that Boilen was wearing was in perfect, albeit stupid, condition. An autopsy report is still pending.

“In my many years of police work, I have seen a few people suffocate in their sleep, but most of the time it is due to vomiting after a night of binge drinking or excessive drug use. This one is new to us, and just a tad ironic, I suppose,” said police captain Joe Goldsmith.

Along with being the inventor the famous ‘blanket with sleeves’, Boilen was also the CEO of the company Allstar Products, and had a reported net worth of $200 million dollars, most of which was tied up in Snuggie merchandise and memorabilia.

Allstar Products was quick to point out in a statement that the Snuggies are extremely safe, and that this is the first instance where someone had been injured due to their product, with the exception of any person who has worn it in public, to which case they assume that the person’s self-esteem was severely damaged. They of course expressed their sympathies to the Boilen family.

“We know that the Snuggie was a hot item at one point a few years ago, right after it ripped off the Slanket and went to market. Now, as the winter months come upon us, more and more people might dig out their Snuggies from whatever rock they no doubt threw them under, and try to stay warm and enjoy some Netflix,” said Goldsmith.

“I have to admit myself that they are very cozy, even if they are the kitschiest thing I’ve ever seen next to the Pet Rock. That being said, you need to be careful when wearing any long, loose-fitting items when going to bed – and that includes kimonos, karate gis, or Ghostface Halloween costumes,” continued Goldsmith. “Ironically, if Mr. Boilen had chosen a loose blanket with no sleeves, he would probably still be alive today. Cold, I’m sure, but alive.”

Man Arrested for Tattooing 1-Year-Old Baby

Posted on September 28, 2014 by JP

AUTUMNVILLE, California –

A tattoo artist is behind bars this afternoon after allegedly tattooing a one year old baby at his shop in Autumnville. The artist, Charles Dennett, 24, who goes by the nickname ‘Red,’ has been making a career out of tattooing since the age of 18.

According to reports, a couple brought in their baby to the Inks & Stuff tattoo studio last Saturday afternoon, and asked Dennett to adorn their child with a Japanese Kanji. Dennett claims that although he did perform the tattoo, it is the parents who are to blame, not him.

“I get paid to tattoo people and I don’t discriminate with race, religion, or age,” said Dennett. “They were cash customers, and they came in prepared, knowing all about tattoos and what they wanted for their baby. In this state, if you are underage and your parents come in with you and agree that it is okay, then it’s not illegal. I don’t see the problem here. The parents literally begged me to do the tattoo and I feel that they are to blame for this, not me. I was just doing my job, man.”

The tattoo that the parents picked out was a Kanji that in English meant ‘respect.’ They had Dennett tattoo their baby on his arm. His parents, who happen to be covered in tattoos, did admit that their son may have been too young to get ‘inked’, as they called it, but wanted their son to live by the meaning of the tattoo, and never forget to treat others well.

“Respect, in the form of a kanji, is the perfect thing to get as a first tattoo. We were debating, honestly, between the kanji, a bar code, or a tribal band around his little arm, but we figured the kanji would mean the most in his future,” said Kelly Randall, the mother of the baby.

Dennett is currently being held in the county jail, unable to pay his $5,000 bail. He is facing charges of assault and endangering the welfare of a child.

“I still don’t see the big deal. If he doesn’t like it down the road, it’s not like he can’t get the thing covered. I mean hell, it’s really tiny. I’ll tell you, the kid is going to be all about tattoos later in life. He sat like a f—— champ, too,” said Dennett.

The Randalls, Kelly and Jordan, say that they don’t know why it is such a big deal.

“We’ve got two other kids, a 9-year-old and a 13-year-old. They both love getting tattoos!” said Jordan. “You know what they say, once you get one, you’ll never be done.”

Tea Party Movement Dissolved, Party Officially Suspends All Activities

Posted on September 28, 2014 by DvanL

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In what can only be described as unprecedented and earth-shattering political news, Tea Party Leaders have announced the official dissolution of the Tea Party Movement, and the end to Tea Party-approved candidates and sponsored political endorsements.

The bombshell announcement was issued through a joint press release from Marco Rubio, U.S. Senator for Florida, and Representative Ted Cruz (R-Texas). The statement reads in part:

In recent months, growing tensions and increasing divisions within the party have led us to make the difficult but necessary decision to halt all Tea Party political activities. We just can’t keep up with all the nonsense we spew on a daily basis, and it’s gotten to the point where nobody even listens to our crap anymore. Once people stop listening, then the crap just seems that much…crappier. We have taken this action because we feel it is crucial for the future health and political success of our current and seriously divided mainstream GOP.

Over the last several years, there have been many setbacks to the Tea Party movement. Original Tea Party member Eric Cantor lost his bid for re-election in June 2014 to newcomer and college professor David Brat. Florida Representative Allen West narrowly lost his bid for reelection to political novice Patrick Murphy in November 2012. Plus, former Alaska Governor and 2008 GOP Vice-Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin also aligned herself with the movement and remains highly vocal – which might be the biggest setback of all for the party.

The Tea Party unofficially got started during a February 2009 speech from the floor of the Chicago Mercantile Exchange when CNBC commentator Rick Santelli made reference to the original Boston Tea Party revolt of 1773. Santelli proposed a Chicago ‘Tea Party’ style uprising to oppose government intrusion into the housing market. At the time, President Barack Obama’s mortgage relief bailout plan faced widespread opposition and criticism.

A faction of the new party used racially-charged symbolism and rhetoric aimed directly at Barack Obama, the nation’s first African-American President, causing further divisions and contributing to the party’s demise.

“At a time when our GOP leadership was achieving limited success in attracting a more diverse base,” explained Rubio, “unfortunate events were taking place, with no clear direction toward party cohesion. The sooner we get back to the work of repairing today’s GOP, the stronger the party and the entire nation will be.”

Current Speaker of the House John Boehner was reportedly against the move, but was overruled in what is seen as a further weakening of his political power and influence. Several members of the House were reportedly overjoyed by the decision for the group to disband. Others, though, were just concerned about whether or not they’d still be able to enjoy their Chai.

Hillary Clinton Caught In Love Affair With Female White House Staff Member

Posted on September 27, 2014 by JP

Washington D.C. –

The Clinton name is back in the news this week, but for once it isn’t former President Bill Clinton who is under the spotlight – this time it’s his wife, Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who is under scrutiny, after allegedly being caught having an affair with her co-worker.

The co-worker in question is a former White House secretary, and it is being speculated that the affair has been happening since Hillary first took the job as Secretary of State. The woman, who so far has only been listed in the press as ‘Samille,’ has not been fully identified. It is still unclear if that is a pseudonym. So far, the only information that appears to be accurate is that the affair has taken place over several years.

‘Samille’ was not directly hired by Clinton, and reports indicate it may have been someone who had worked within the White House for many years, possibly meeting Hillary as far back as when her husband was President. Sources within the White House say that they spent so much time together ‘working,’ and having late-night meetings, that people began to wonder if there was something illicit happening almost as far back as 2012. The alleged affair officially came to light when a White House staffer, who had set up a meeting with Hillary, showed up 15 minutes early only to find the lovers kissing.

Since the accusations, Samille has admitted to it happening a lot more than once, and is claiming that she couldn’t help her emotions towards the former first lady.

“I mean it was something about the power, and the political presence that she holds. Plus, my God – the pantsuits are to die for, you know? They just set a fire in my heart…and between my legs,” said Samille via email to the Associated Press.

Former president Bill Clinton, who was first confronted with the news by reporters who caught him out to dinner on a business meeting, was asked if this would be the end of his marriage with Hillary.

“Oh God, I don’t think so. I mean, I think if anything at this point we would be considered even,” said former president Clinton, not at all taken aback by the news of his wife’s alleged infidelity. “She stood by me while I diddled everything that walked into the Oval Office, or Oral Office, as I liked to call it, haha. It’s high time she took the stick out and had a little fun, if you know what I mean. I just hope this might parlay into a little mixing-together-three, if you catch my drift.”

Political analysts are saying that the news breaking at this time might actually be good for Clinton, especially if she has any plans on running for president in 2016.

“When the truth came out about [Bill] Clinton giving Monica Lewinsky the ol’ heave-ho, and Hillary stood by him for some stupid reason, people called her a coward and a wimp. The claimed she didn’t have the nerve to leave her husband because he was president, when any other woman on the face of the planet would have just said “sayonara,'” said political analyst for the Washington Post Times, Bill Reed. “This turns everything on its head. This will get her the vote if she runs in 2016. Women will begin to love her for that strong sense of womanhood, and men might actually find her appealing now, because all men fantasize about two women going at it. Even if one of them is Hillary Clinton, who has the sex appeal of a school house fire.”

As of this time, there has been no official statement given by Hillary Clinton or anyone from within her political party. When asked about her take on the events, from an ‘insiders’ perspective, Monica Lewinsky said “Well, at least this time it wasn’t me. I certainly don’t need any of those kind of stains on any of my dresses.”

Obama Admits To Forging Birth Certificate; President Not Natural-Born U.S. Citizen

Posted on September 26, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

It looks as though many Republicans and ‘birthers’ were right all along. In a press conference this morning from the White House, President Obama admitted that he had forged his birth certificate, and that he was not a natural-born U.S. citizen.

“It’s true that I was not born here in this great country,” said the President in his speech. “That does not mean, though, that I have not led us through some great times. I have fought hard to make sure we are protected. I almost single-handedly killed that son of a b—- bin Laden. I have driven us into, and then right back out of, a horrible recession. I knew what needed to be done to get to where I am, and so I had to make it happen.”

President Obama has been the talk of many conspiracy theories over the course of his presidency, beginning while he was still running for office. At one point in time, a poll showed that over 50% of people in the Republican party thought that Obama had forged his birth certificate, and that he was not constitutionally allowed to be president. These people, often referred to as ‘birthers’, hold onto one of several theories, including that the president was born in Kenya, that he is a dual US/UK citizen, or that he is of Indonesian citizenship. The rumors and theories became so bad that in 2008, President Obama released what is now being found to be a forged birth certificate, stating he was born in Hawaii.

“I had to do what I did to become president,” continued Obama. “Yes, the birth certificate is a forgery. No, I was not born in Hawaii – my God, do I even look like I was born in Hawaii? Don’t answer that, actually. Regardless – as your elected leader, I plan to continue to run this country the best that I can for the remainder of my term, and prove to everyone that a strong leader can come from anywhere, and still take over this great land.”

Before the announcement, President Obama went through the motions of giving himself an executive pardon, making it impossible to stand accountable for breaking the law, something that until this presidency, no one had ever considered possible.

“I have pardoned myself for my crimes, and for lying to the country,” said the President. “Therefore, I will not be able to be arrested or taken into custody. In the eyes of our great judicial system, I have now done nothing wrong.”

Despite the shock of the announcement, and the surprise of the pardon, many reporters at the White House were still wondering where Obama was actually born, if the entire time his birth certificate had just been a ruse.

“I am so glad that you asked that,” said Obama. “To be truthful – no, I am not from this great nation. Nor was I born in Kenya. To be fair, I am actually not even of this world. I come from a distant planet, known as Garlarktaschpel, which when translated to English becomes ‘Change.’ I am, indeed, the most illegal kind of alien there is.”

“I have tried to tell you all from the beginning that ‘Change’ was coming, and I am making this announcement now to let you know that ‘Change’ is very near. My people, the Changers, are nearing Earth. We are coming. The Changers will bring life to those who deserve it, and death to the remaining. It will be The Rapture. It will be the end for most. If you thought you feared ‘Change’ before, then just wait for what’s coming.”

High School Gym Teacher Suspended For Forcing Girls To Play ‘Shirts vs. Skins’ Games

Posted on September 25, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LEE, Massachusetts –

School officials at Hardin High School in Lee, Massachusetts are trying to handle a whirlwind of a media storm, after word got out this past week of their school’s gym teacher forcing the girls in his class to play basketball, dodgeball, volleyball, and other sports as “shirts versus skins” games.

Greg Creek, a new hire at the school this year, was put on a temporary suspension while the superintendent of schools, as well as the school principal and local police department, looked into the case.

“We are extremely disturbed that one of our teachers would be forcing girls to play sports topless. It is highly disrespectful and I’m pretty sure it’s mostly illegal, as several of the girls in Mr. Creek’s class were underage,” said Superintendent of Schools Melissa Dyer.

Creek, 36, has been a coach or a gym teacher at a number of New England schools over the last decade, and was most recently let go by a school in Concord, New Hampshire, for separating the homosexual students in his classes from the other students. It was reported that he would force the students to do arts and crafts, sewing or “other gay activities,” as opposed to the sports and games the rest of the class would partake in.

When asked why Creek, who had such a spotty record, would be hired at Hardin School, Dyer said that she was not made aware until recently why Creek had been let go by his previous employers, and only that he portrayed himself as a great teacher with a lot of great ideas to keep the kids healthy and active.

“He also wasn’t a scary, militant lesbian, which is what we have predominantly have had in the past for our physical education teachers. Generally our gym teachers haven’t been well liked by the students in the past,” said Dyer.

Students in Creek’s classes seemed to be un-phased by being forced to play topless in gym class. Several of the girls even claim that once they started being selected for the “skins” teams, their popularity in school went up significantly.

Molly Hamlin, 17, said that before Creek’s classes, she was a ‘nobody’ to the other students at Hardin. “I used to be, like, the invisible girl here at Hardin. People thought I was like, a freak or something, I guess. I didn’t have a lot of friends,” Said Hamlin, a senior. “Once Mr. Creek started forcing us into the shirts and skins games, boys started noticing me a lot more. I guess once my shirt came off and they got to see what they were missing out on, they actually noticed me. My Friday nights are always booked now. I’m so thankful for Mr. Creek!”

Parents are outraged, though, at Creek’s behavior, and most are calling for not only his job, but his literal head on a platter.

“This kind of disgusting pervertism cannot be tolerated,” said Regina George, murdering the English language. “I am the mother of 3 young, teen girls here, and I can’t believe that we have this man oogling our children’s dirty pillows. I am sickened. 2 of my girls, Katie and Felicity are not, well, you know – endowed. Now my girls have spats at home all the time, because my oldest, Samantha, gets all the attention from the boys at school. These games have ruined their self-esteem and their social lives.”

So far, Creek himself has not commented publicly, except to say that he was not doing anything wrong. “We just didn’t have enough colored jerseys to go around, so I improvised. It was not sexual at all. At least not as far as I was concerned,” said Creek in a prepared statement via his lawyer.

Currently, Creek will be on a multi-week suspension with pay until school officials decide what to do about his position. As of this writing, no legal charges had been filed by the school district or the parents of any of the students. Curiously, no one within the school offices, or parents of any children, seemed phased by the fact that Creek also forced boys into participating in the activities while bottomless.

Wal-Mart To Begin Selling Breast Milk In Stores

Posted on September 24, 2014 by carriesnotscary

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas –

New moms everywhere can now tell their babies to let go of their tired breasts and grab their piggy banks, because Wal-Mart has announced their plan to begin selling pre-bottled breast milk in all of their stores. Super Wal-Marts across the country will sell the breast milk, which is to be pumped from lactating women in Indonesia, at their low prices as soon as March 2015, according to company executives. The breast milk will be imported to the U.S., and donors will receive approximately seven American dollars per gallon. All women selected will have healthy, tasty, drug and disease free breast milk ready for retail.

“This is profitable for us for so many reasons. But most importantly, there will always be babies. Out of all those babies, millions of them have moms who shop at Wal-Mart and don’t want to breastfeed. In the end, it benefits everyone,” said Wal-Mart executive Brent McGee. “It’s going to be affordable, and it’s going to fill your baby up. It’s also guaranteed to make your baby cry less, and smile more.”

McGee is right. Moms across America have expressed excitement about this new addition to Wal-Mart shelves. “I don’t want to breastfeed, and I can’t afford nor do I appreciate the ingredients that can be found in the formula,” said loyal Wal-Mart customer and soon-to-be mom Krystall Cooper of Lexington, Kentucky. “When this baby gets out of me, I want to drink all the Franzia wine I want, and that’s just not possible with breastfeeding. A girl’s gotta live! Even when she has a baby.”

Lauren Tooney of Tucson, Arizona feels relief. “I already have three kids to take to soccer practice, water polo practice, elocution lessons, piano practice, scuba diving, modeling classes, and I’ve got another kid on the way. I’d love to breastfeed, but I don’t have the time, and my God – have you seen the prices for formula? I can’t breastfeed it while I’m driving, but that was what I was planning on doing before I heard about this amazing Wal-Mart breast milk.”

McGee says that the milk will be part of their Great Value brand, and will be able to be purchased in half or full-gallon sizes, just as regular milk is sold.