Man Sues Hospital After Doctor Accidentally Performs Sex Change Instead of Liposuction

Posted on November 12, 2014 by Abe Abrams

LOS ANGELES, California –

Rick Ryan, an aging porno film star that has appeared in over 500 films, is suing his surgeon and the hospital he recently visited for botching a simple procedure. The actor allegedly had his livelihood cut off in what was supposed to be a simple tummy tuck procedure.

“I’m a star, or at least I was a star. I had one of the most recognizable penises in the world. A small amount of liposuction was all I wanted,” said Ryan. “Every guy knows that the smaller the stomach and pouch is, the bigger the penis looks. I’ve had the procedure done in the past, but this time they removed my penis, inverted it, and gave me a vagina!”

“It was all a horrible misunderstanding,” said Dr. Clark Campbell, the surgeon who performed the operation. “I wasn’t even supposed to do the procedure – my partner came down sick, so I finished his surgeries for the day. There was a mix up with the charts it seems, which is unfortunate and I apologize. I didn’t think anything of it when I performed the surgery because, quite frankly, Mr. Ryan’s penis looked like he beat it as if it owed him money. I thought to myself ‘this is a man who doesn’t want his penis.’ Now that I know he was a popular adult film actor, it does give an entirely new explanation for why his dick was so raw and swollen.”

“To be honest, I’ve already gotten some work offers doing some girl-on-girl, but it’s just not the same. I do find myself playing with my vagina more than I did my penis, but this lawsuit is not about pleasure, it’s about money. I’m Rick Ryan, damn it. They took my dick, now I’m going to take their balls!”

Peter Palmer, public relations for Los Angeles Metropolitan Hospital said he doesn’t really understand the complaints.

“This is very embarrassing for us as a medical establishment, yes, although I don’t see why Mr. Ryan is that upset. I’m a big fan of all of his films, but to be fair they were all gay porn and Ryan is a bottom. His moneymaker has always been that ass.”

Wendy’s Restaurants Admits Burgers Are Made With Horse Meat

Posted on November 10, 2014 by Abe Abrams

TROY, New York –

“Where’s the Beef?!” was a popular phrase in the 80s, based on the 1984 TV commercial for Wendy’s restaurants featuring little old ladies sampling other restaurant’s menu items. Apparently the answer to the question is, ironically, not at Wendy’s. At a press conference this morning, Wendy Thomas, daughter of founder Dave Thomas, and president of operations Carl Frosty admitted that mounting internet rumors are true, and that Wendy’s stopped using beef in their burgers back in 1984.

“It’s true – the 1984 ‘Where’s the Beef’ ad was an inside joke started by my father. I really don’t see the big deal, honestly,” said Thomas. “Horse meat is FDA approved, is has been for ages. If you’ve enjoyed our burgers any time in the last 30 years, there’s no reason not to keep enjoying them. My father was a businessman; he experimented to find the cheapest, yet best tasting meat he could. He tried dog, cat, llama, and rats in our testing labs, but horse meat was the tastiest and the cheapest. It’s even less expensive than beef, if you can believe it.”

“We use horse meat in everything that our restaurant serves,” said Frosty. “Our chili, burgers and sandwiches – even our new ‘pulled pork’ sandwich is horse meat. It’s amazing, really. With the right seasoning, you can get horse meat to taste like anything. Wendy’s is not only fast food, but it’s good food, and I hope everyone keeps enjoying our burgers as much as we enjoy making them for you.”

“Personally, I don’t see the big deal at all,” said Carmine Classi, a self-professed ‘Wendy’s lover’ who was at the press conference. “Horse meat, zebra, unicorn, antelope – I don’t care, as long as it tastes good and it’s cheap. Where else can you take the family out to dinner for $20 bucks? I’m on a tight budget all the time, thanks to a small problem I have with gambling. But hey, when I lose my money at the track I’d yell normally yell ‘I hope they make glue out of you!’ But now I can yell ‘I’ll see you at Wendy’s!'”

New York To Raise Cigarette Taxes, Prices Could Reach $25 Per Pack

Posted on November 8, 2014 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

With cigarette prices going up in cities all over the nation, it appears that New York will soon hold the crown once again as the state with the most expensive cigarettes. Cigarettes have been heavily taxed by state and federal regulators, with the cost increasing steadily over the past 20 years, but now New York will be adding an additional tax to them.

The decision was made after congress saw that New Yorkers were still buying cigarettes like crazy, even with their ridiculous prices. A study conducted by the state science board showed that people in New York spend more money on tobacco then they do on food year-over-year.

“Taxing cigarettes is a perfect way for us to earn money for our schools, for our roads, really for whatever we want,” said New York state representative Aaron Silver. “We might just use the money to have a big party at the State House. It doesn’t matter. People need their smokes, and they’ll pay whatever the cost.”

“In the long run, they’re just going to get what they want,” said New York smoker Jared Coff. “I don’t have time to drive into Jersey for my cigarettes, and even if I did the gas would equal the damn savings anyway. I might as well cut my losses and just pay whatever they’re asking. I hear that Camels, which is my brand, could hit $25 or $30 a pack. It’s a Goddamn racket is what it is.”

Currently, the average price of cigarettes nationwide is about $8, so New York’s new tax will essentially triple the cost of a normal pack. Prices in New York City tend to trend slightly higher already, at anywhere from $12-$14 for a pack of many major brands.

“What else can I do, really, except pay it?” said smoker Chris Moke. “I smoke, and the prices are going up. So they double? Whatever. You pay it, you bitch, and you move on. Really, that’s the only option, as far as I can see it. The price of milk has gone up a ton over the years, too, but I ain’t putting water in my cereal, ya know?”

According to a recent street poll, over 90% of New Yorkers say that they are against the new tax, but that they would still pay for their cigarettes. When the idea of just quitting was brought up, and overwhelming 100% said that the thought never crossed their mind.

Los Angeles Holistic Medicine Clinic Says Coconut Oil Cures Cancer

Posted on November 3, 2014 by Chip

LOS ANGELES, California –

Holistic Henry’s Holistic Clinic is once again in the midst of controversy. Holistic Henry’s is run by Henry Rackman, who initially made waves in the medical community 2 years ago when he opened Henry’s House of Medicine, a pain clinic in Los Angeles that specialized in the dispensing of narcotic pain killers. The pain clinic was almost immediately raided by the DEA, and shut down for a laundry list of infractions.

Immediately upon Henry’s House of Medicine being shut down, Holistic Henry’s was opened. Rackman was convicted of dispensing pharmaceuticals without a license, but was given a suspended sentence.

Holistic Henry’s has recently been targeted by the media for taking advantage of chronically ill patients that are dying of cancer. It is estimated that Holistic Henry’s currently has at least 40 chronically ill patients. It has been confirmed that at least 9 of the clinics patients have passed away this month.

Treatments prescribed by Holistic Henry’s include frequent yoga, heavy applications of coconut oil, and ‘eating right’.

Amanda Rotberg, the daughter of one of the recently deceased patients, has spoken out against the clinic and said her father was taken advantage of. She said he had a hard time digesting the news from his doctor that even with continued treatment, he would most likely only have 2 years alive. She says that her father was not in a clear state of mind and, was desperately searching for something that would cure his cancer.

“My father thought he found what he was looking for at Holistic Henry’s, however what he actually found was a bunch of con-artists that convinced him rubbing excessive amounts of coconut oil on his tummy every night would cure his stomach cancer,” said Rotberg. “It’s sickening what they’re claiming, and they have no evidence to back it up whatsoever.”

“The worst part of the whole thing, is that insurance does not cover any treatment received at places like Holistic Henry’s, so my father paid out over $150,000 to the clinic. Exactly what is the overhead on coconut oil and yoga? I’ll tell you, it’s damn near nothing!”

A Holistic Henry’s representative was asked what services they offer to a patient suffering from cancer, and they said that it varies, but they have a basis of treatments that all patients should receive.

“We offer several modern treatments, but honestly, aside from heavy applications of coconut oil and frequent yoga, the best treatment for someone dying from cancer is to just be a good person.”

NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio Bans Smoking On City Streets

Posted on October 31, 2014 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK, New York –

At a press conference earlier today, NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio announced that he would be banning smoking in public areas, including city streets.

”Let me read you the definition of litter,” said de Blasio. “Litter consists of waste products that have been disposed improperly, without consent, at an inappropriate location. Ladies and gentlemen it is with that definition I am banning cigarette, cigar, and pipe smoking on city streets in all five boroughs. Second hand smoke is litter, make no mistake. If I could declare cigarettes illegal I would but I can take steps to make sure no one on city streets has to see or breathe in their poisonous fumes.”

James Jenson, Philip Morris spokesman commented on the new ban, saying ”I don’t have much to say at this time, we were only just giving a copy of the press release and our legal team is just now looking it over. What I can say is that Philip Morris is this nation’s leading manufacturer of cigarettes, and we go to great lengths putting people’s health before profit. We will continue to make the very best cigarettes and we will continue to fight for a persons right to enjoy a smoke wherever they are.”

”It’s getting ridiculous, first Bloomberg tells us we can’t drink big gulps and now this new idiot is telling me I can’t have a smoke on the street,” said avid smoker Carmine Classi of Brooklyn. “I can’t smoke at work, the wife won’t let me smoke in the house, I’m getting treated like a second class citizen.”

“Smoking kills more people each year than all other illegal drugs combined, and cigarettes are a drug peddled by corporations, for what? For profit, that’s what,” said de Blasio. “They are selling death for profit. As of November 1st, the smoking ban will go into effect in New York. Initially, there will be a fine of $50 dollars for the first offense, and a $100 dollar fine for all offenses after that. All proceeds from the fines will go directly to rebuilding inner city parks and playgrounds.”

Confused Teen Burns Down House After Trying ‘Smoky Eye’ Makeup Effect

Posted on October 30, 2014 by DvanL

BATAVIA, Illinois –

A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. 13-year-old Bobbie Vicha finally reached that magical age – the age when her mother told her she could start wearing makeup.

The eve of Bobbie’s 13^th birthday was like Christmas Eve in the Vicha household. “She saved her allowance for months to buy some makeup,” said her mother Barbara, speaking from a downtown Batavia Red Cross emergency shelter.

Brought up to be environmentally responsible, Bobbie researched which cosmetics were animal friendly, and which ones contained harmful chemicals, which she wanted to avoid.

Returning from the nearby Yorktown Center mall, Bobbie sprinted upstairs to begin the transformation process. “We almost got a speeding ticket on the way back from Yorktown,” said Barbara. “She was so excited to get home, and I was so excited for her. We talked about different looks and eye shadows, and she really wanted to do the ‘smoky eye’ look that all the celebrities use.”

What Barbara didn’t know was that Bobbie’s attempt at authenticity would involve actual smoke – from potpourri the teen used to naturally scent her room. Bobbie burned some of the natural plant material and used the ash to create the ‘smoke’ look. “I didn’t know she was going to use any fire or matches,” said her mother.

The excitement apparently clouded Bobbie’s judgment. While studying online makeup tutorials in the opposite corner of her bedroom, a smoldering ember of potpourri apparently ignited the youngster’s frilly curtains.

“When I turned around,” said the sobbing teen, “the whole room was on fire. It happened so fast and all I could do was scream and run downstairs.”

Bobbie alerted her mother that the house was on fire, grabbed her pet cat Chloe and the wireless kitchen phone. “It was a cheap phone,” said Barbara, “and it was out of range when we got to the front yard. The fire spread so quick – the whole house went up just like that!” Fire officials arrived after a neighbor phoned in the emergency.

Medical personnel initially thought Bobbie had been badly burned, as only one eye had been made up to look ‘smoky,’ while the other eye was badly smeared. Bobbie explained to fire officials what had happened, and that no mystery or foul play was involved.

“I appreciate her honesty,” said Barbara “She fessed up, and it was an accident. The home was fully covered by fire insurance. She feels bad enough already.”

When asked if the teen would be allowed to concoct her own makeup in the future, her mother replied, “Screw that – I’m buying her some Maybelline!”

Trojan Creates New ‘Juniors’ Condom Line For Pre-Teen Market

Posted on October 29, 2014 by Abe Abrams

PRINCETON, New Jersey –

Trojan Condoms announced a new, smaller sized condom yesterday, one they say they are specifically marketing to sexually active pre-teens. The company says they are trying to acknowledge the fact that kids are slipping it in each other at younger and younger ages, and wants everyone to be protected.

“It’s a sign of the world we live in today, children younger and younger are having sex and they have the same risk as adults of contracting STDs and unwanted pregnancies,” said CEO Bill Blass. “We at Trojan see this as a huge potential market, so today we announce our new line of ‘Trojan Juniors.’ These condoms will live up to the same strict quality assurances as our adult condoms, but will be sized to fit young men in the 7 to 12-year-old range. Plus, each box will have cartoon illustrations showing the correct way to wear, and use, our Trojan Juniors.”

“It’s about time!” Said Planned Parenthood spokesperson Lisa Levin. “This has been a big need for ages. The number of pre-teen pregnancies is going through the roof, as evident by MTV’s new hit show 12 and Pregnant. We at the Planned Parenthood organization will make sure that Trojan Juniors are made readily available at all elementary and middle schools that we can as soon as possible.”

Aside from children, Blass says that Trojan Juniors will be beneficial to ‘smaller’ men, who never had a place to turn when it came to proper fit and size. Larry Lynn, President of the Wee Man Club of Houston, said “I look forward to trying Trojan Juniors, personally. I just pre-ordered a dozen of the ribbed ones. It will be nice to have a condom that doesn’t fall off during sex, because I can assure you, not everything is bigger in Texas.”

“Down the line, the brand may feature licensed characters and celebrities including Spongebob Squarepants and Justin Bieber on the condoms themselves,” said Blass. “We’ve really got a good feeling about the future of this new product, and we’re really looking forward to it all coming together.”

Not to be outdone by a competing brand, Durex announced early this morning a new line of smaller condoms as well, conveniently named Durex Minis. Both brands expect to have their new products to market by December.

Quack Doctor Arrested in ‘Urine Therapy’ Scam

Posted on October 28, 2014 by DvanL

NEW YORK, New York –

In 1988, Dr. Peter Hobart rented a commercial space on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, and transformed it into a drug testing facility.

“His place was always packed,” said local deli worker Luke Jacobs. “Everybody called him Doctor P. He had a million clients, people were pouring in and out of the place like crazy.”

What Jacobs and the rest of the city didn’t know was that the doctor wasn’t a doctor at all – he’s a longtime con-man who apparently has a rather strange fetish.

Hobart asked several clients to take part in a bogus “urine/oxygen” study he was conducting. Volunteers were required to produce and submit urine samples, some as frequently as 3 times a week. After many months, when no study appeared, several of his clients began to suspect the water in the well was bad.

One patient took part in the fake doc’s so-called ‘Trevi Fountain’ project. “He wanted to find out if a person would go to the bathroom more if a song or a movie that had to do with rain, or the ocean was playing in the background, that kind of thing” said Patient X. “He said it was psychological, and I’d be in a medical journal. One day when I was about to give my sample, Dr. P. brought in a tv, and played that famous movie with the blonde lady who runs through the water fountain in Italy – La Dolce Vita – that’s the name of it. Anyway, so I had to do ‘number one’ during the water fountain scene, and Dr. P. took notes. He accidentally dropped his clipboard and I just happened to glance down at it; the page was just full of doodles of penises – some had smiling faces, some were erect, and most of them were peeing. I pretended I didn’t notice, but I felt all sick inside. As soon as I left I called the police. I didn’t even use my real name when I called, I was so embarrassed.”

Dr. P. was arrested last month and charged with falsifying medical records, misrepresentation, medical quackery, and Medicare fraud. A hidden camera was also discovered in a room used by clients to produce samples.

Officials estimate it will take three to four months to retrace the financial trail Hobart left in his wake. “We’ll never be able to locate all the paperwork,” said one accountant from the DA’s office, “and people are too embarrassed to give information. Can’t blame them, I guess. I’d be so pissed off if something like that happened to me.”

Hobart faces up to 20 years in prison if convicted. His lawyer entered a plea for a reduced sentence if Doctor P. helps locate the missing financial records. Sentencing will take place before the end of the year.

Family Pediatrician In Hot Water After Diagnosing 7-Year-Old With ‘A Case of the Gays’

Posted on October 27, 2014 by Chip

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Carl and Debbie Houser have spoken out publicly against their family pediatrician Dr. Walter Wentworth for diagnosing their 7-year-old son Randall with “a case of the gays.” The story first gained media attention when Janice Henderson, a local reporter for Boston’s affiliate FOX station stumbled across an online blog created by Debbie Houser entitled Mommy Knows The Truth.

Houser says it all started at the beginning of October, when their son Randall arrived home from school with a fever of 102. “He was really lethargic and hot to the touch,” said Houser. “We immediately took him to our family doctor to have him checked out. We have been taking Randall to Dr. Wentworth since he was born; he was actually my husband’s pediatrician as well. He has been taking care of our family for ages.”

Dr. Wentworth seemed disinterested in treating the boys fever and told Debbie and Carl that there is no reason for them to panic, and that it was probably just associated with a stomach bug that has been going around.

According to Debbie, “[Wentworth] was so dismissive about poor Randall’s fever, then he got real serious, and said ‘you may want to brace yourself for the news I’m about to deliver.’” Debbie says she and Carl were terrified to hear what the doctor was going to say next.

Dr. Wentworth told the concerned parents that he had been tracking young Randall’s behavior for many years, and feels confident that Randall has what he referred to as “a case of the gays.”

He explained that Randall exhibits many effeminate behaviors that are quite worrisome and cannot be ignored. Dr. Wentworth told the Housers that Randall has developed a lisp that he didn’t have 2 years ago, often wears pink and purple clothing, and typically plays with the girl’s toys in the pediatrician’s waiting room.

Though Carl and Debbie tell the media that they were outraged by the offensive and confusing diagnosis, several of Dr. Wentworth’s nurses have told the media they overheard Carl Houser privately pleading with Dr. Wentworth to “please fix his son.”

The Housers say they are planning a lawsuit against their former doctor, although they haven’t said what, precisely, they are suing for or why.

“Our lawyer thinks we can sue him just for his offensive diagnosis, and the emotional distress it’s caused us…I mean Randall,” said Debbie. “Dr. Wentworth needs to realize that our son is not gay. I mean, even if he was, we would love him just the same, but he’s only 7 years old. He’s definitely not gay. He just isn’t. That’s the beginning and the end of if. There are no gay people in my family at all. Period.”

Dr. Wentworth says he isn’t worried about a lawsuit. “The kid’s as queer as a three dollar bill. What are they going to sue me over? Telling them the truth?”

‘Price Is Right’ Superfan Drowns In Hot Tub He Received As Prize

Posted on October 17, 2014 by DvanL

VENTURA, California –

Ted Bosworth was a dedicated husband, father, and self-described ‘ultimate superfan’ of The Price Is Right, the iconic daytime game show known for its legion of enthusiastic fans.

Bosworth attended so many tapings of the show, that audience coordinators knew him by name. He was at Bob Barker’s final show in 2007, and just last year, the ultimate superfan’s dream came true – he was selected to “come on down!” and become one of 4 lucky audience members to join ‘Contestant’s Row.’

Bosworth had dreamed of this moment for years. “He loved the show ever since we were kids,” said Bosworth’s younger brother, Al. “It’s like he was always preparing for it. Life’s just not fair sometimes,” said Al, “I mean what happened to him. Life’s just not fair.”

Ted bid on the first prize of the day, a state-of-the-art hot tub, and was indeed, the contestant who came closest to the ‘actual retail price without going over.’ “That was no surprise,” said Al. “We watched the show so many times, he always came closest when we watched at home. He bid, and he won.”

“After he won,” continued Al, “it was like watching a kid waiting for Christmas. It took a few weeks for the tub to be delivered, so he got the space all ready in the backyard, fixing it up and getting the plumbing done. When they came to install it, we almost had to tie him down. Deb [Ted’s wife] told me he didn’t sleep the whole night before.”

“We were planning a big party for the ‘Christening.’ That’s what we called it – people were coming over for the first hot tub party that night,” said Al. We were all out getting food and drinks and Ted stayed home testing it out, and that’s when the accident happened.”

The “accident” Al refers to was an all-too-common household mishap – slipping and falling in the tub. “We got back home and I knew something was wrong. The house was too quiet. I went back out to the patio and that’s when I found him. He must have slipped and hit his head and went under. We called 911, but I knew it was too late even when I was pulling him out of the tub.”

Paramedics were unable to revive Bosworth and he was pronounced dead at the scene.

“We drained the tub and took it out the next week. It was too painful to keep it around but we planted a tree out back to remember.”

“I couldn’t watch the show anymore for about 6 months, but one day I thought about it and decided that Ted would want me to move on and watch it again, since we both had so much fun enjoying it over the years. It’s like he’s here when the show’s on,” he added.